Freaky Friday

Happy Friday friends! I'm finally upgrading to the new Blogger, so if it looks like a five-year-old on crack wrote this post, it's probably because I gave my five-year-old some crack earlier and she got a hold of my computer. HA I kid. But seriously.

Seriously.

Anyway, I've gotta knock this one out because my kids are forcing me to take them to see Alvin and the Chipmunks at the cheap theatre today (oh, I just looove Spring Break).  I would probably rather stub my toe, but whatever, I get popcorn.

Here we go!


Ok, this just in... I officially hate new Blogger.  This has been the most harrowing 10 minutes of my life.

 

Oh, I was so worried about missing Cinco De Mayo, but luckily, I can bring the party on my feet! Ole! (Aaaand thus ends the extent of my impeccable Spanish)

My adorbs friend Manda sent be this gem from Pinterest. Either this girl is dressed as a sexy urinal for Halloween, or her husband really, REALLY enjoys the smell of urinal pucks.

Steph sent these, worried that they might not be ugly enough for me to feature them. Don't worry Jessica. You did the right thing. Easter hookers should be exposed for what they really are. 

Brings a new meaning to "egg hunt" amiright? 

Hahahaha. Ew. Things just got weird.

 

Heather sent this with a whole article dedicated to the crack-showing trend. Like, has mankind descended so fully that I have to make a statement on this? This is the BACK of a dress. I guess we should all just be happy it's not the front. 

OMG YES. I was just voted "Queen of the Damned" and had NO idea what to wear to the blood drinking ceremony. Pheeeeew. 

Hey, flip flop/cowboy boots-wearer! I promise the boots can stay at home while you go to the beach. I can guarantee most people know you're a redneck just by looking at your face. (Thanks Rebecca and Stacey!) 

Another reader sent this dress, which had the title "Pretty Cool Tank-Style Summer Dress" Let's break it down:
Pretty: No
Cool: Uh, maybe in Amish country.
Tank-Style: Where??
Summer: Nope.
Dress: Ding ding ding!

Oh, so tree leggings are like, a thing now? I guess they say "I love the planet and talk incessantly about my square foot garden and don't shut up about my sustainable house" in a really subtle way. 

 

These pants were called "Darn Yankees" I'm sorry, did I miss the part in American history when the Confederate Army fought off a band of  flamboyant ill-fitting pants wearers from Maine?

 

I guess they're better than these, which are called "Used to Be" pants. I can think of a few things they used to be:

1) A gay pride flag.

2) Table coverings for an ice cream social.

3) An advertisement for candy corn.

4) Anything but actual pants. 

As always, thanks to my awesome readers who keep my inbox and Facebook page packed with bad fashion for each Friday. I love you like I love cake. And I love cake a lot.  

OK, I'm off to get a headache from listening to the Chipmunks for the next two hours. And by "listening the Chipmunks" I mean playing "Draw Something" with my headphones in. Happy weekend! Muah!

Summer Shoe Eye Candy

Since I was just complaining that I was sick of my flip flops after wearing them all weekend long, how about some alternatives? I've posted full outfits here, so I don't think you need the full lecture. How about some pretty shoes to look at instead? Deal? Deal. Click the pictures to buy and give my apologies to your husband!

I've been obsessing over these wedges fora few weeks now, after I saw them in a local store. I should probably just buy them, but I'm on a shopping diet, you guys! It's like the food equivalent of Mini Eggs and it would just ruin everything. But oh, May 1st THEY WILL BE MINE. I love how bright and happy they are -- adorable with shorts and summer dresses with jean jackets.


I bought these a few weeks ago on my last binge. I found them to be adorably ugly, like a pug or Steve Buscemi. Because of that, I snapped them on at a major discount, I might add. Apparently no one else shared my opinion. But whatevs, I've been wearing them with my cropped skinny jeans and shorts ever since. I'm totally into boat shoes lately and have been on the hunt for some for my kidlets. Ideas? Shhhh ugly shoes. I won't let anyone hurt you anymore.

OK, if you're going to stick with flip flops all summer long, I think you should definitely get at least one "special" pair. I have be bejeweled white ones, but these are adorbs too. They look a little overtly girly in the pic, if you didn't notice, but a bow over your toe? I die. These would be so cute with bermudas or a white summer skirt. OOh! Or with a white maxi skirt with the bows peeking out? Love.

  K, I'm not even American and these make me want to attend a 4th of July party STAT - preferably one not on squishy grass. But seriously. How prep are these? They'd be subtle enough to wear with a super cute red dress or pencil skirt to suggest patriotism, rather than painting your belly with a confederate flag.

I know we had our difference of opinions with the TOMS post last year (seriously, it got a little heated) but you cannot deny the adorableness of these TOMS flats. They are SO. CUTE. And, while they're pretty pricey, I completely justify the money I spent on mine. They fit like a glove and are uber comfy. In fact, while traipsing all over the desert over the weekend, I was totally wishing for my TOMS.

 
Hey, casual BBQ goers, pay attention! When you want to look cute but not aerate your neighbor's lawn by sinking into the grass, these are perfect. A miniscule heel means you're not toppling over, and the bright color is perfect to wear with shorts, skirts, dresses, whatever. These would also be super cute on the beach -- any beach wedding goers? 

 
I love these shoes as a major summer shoe. Like, I;m thinking awesome concert or movie night with your hubs. These, plus a maxi in any colore would make you look like, 10 feet tall. Wear with a leather jacket for instant coolness. I would also totally pair these with a casual khaki skirt to kick it up a notch. Drool.

 
I am still loving floral shoes for summer. These are so pretty I might die. Wear with a pastel cocktail dress for a formal (indoor) wedding and other than the bride, you're best dressed. These would also be great to summer-ify some wintery staples, like a pencil skirt. Also, if you're kidless, you can wear them with white. But if you have kids, you'll definitely end up with a ketchup stain. Don't say I didn't warn you!



So, do you have sufficient ideas yet? You can totally wear flip flops. I wear them all the time. But don't let that be your only go-to shoes. You'd be surprised at what else you can work in there.

What do you think? Still hate my TOMS and want to send nasty emails to my inbox. Bring it. You can hate on my Steve Buscemi shoes too. I can take it.

What I Wore: Moab Love

OK, so this is going to be the weirdest "What I Wore" ever, mostly because this is how my internal monologue worked last week.

Inner self: Jae, you really need to take pictures of a cute outfit for Monday.
Smug actual self: Relax, inner self. I've got plenty of time.
Inner self: You look cute today! Just get your child-photographer to snap a shot.
Smug actual self: Yes, but Real Housewives of Orange County is on! And Alexis is still pretending that her nose job was for "Sinus issues!" Plus, it's going to be Easter, and I shall wear something floral and lovely.
Inner self: You're a jerk.

I should have listened to inner self, because I put it off all week. When I woke up Saturday morning, my husband rolled over in bed and asked if I wanted to drive down to Moab. Moab is 3.5 hours away and it was the Easter Jeep Safari. The Mr. drives a Jeep, so it was kind of easy to tell his motives. But, we put it to the kids and to be honest, the idea of heading somewhere warm when there was snow on my lawn sounded pretty good. SO we went.

And I wore flipflops all weekend long.

And I did not dress nice for Easter. In fact, I wore day-old shorts on Easter instead.



We hiked up to Gemini Bridges, a place where there are two natural bridges spanning over a massive canyon. Here I am in my not-cool clothes, scared for my life while hanging over the canyon. PS, bringing your hyperactive three year old to a place where ten feet of rock separates you from life and death made me have a minor heart attack. NEVER AGAIN.



Not to mention the trail leading up to the spot is hollow. Here's a teeny me and Hubs demonstrating how quickly we could have tumbled to our deaths. YAY.


We also hit the sand hill, AKA kids paradise. Sand as far as the eye can see and about 150 feet in the air. It was the best workout I've ever had. This rock was a quarter of the way up. I was so tired I wanted to lay down and sleep for three days.


Here was my impeccable strategy for climbing. Crawl on my hands and knee, with my head down like a dog for 10 yards, then lay down and pray for the sweet release of death. PS those are my kids above me, laughing as they climbed up for the third time. Ugh, kids are the worst.

Also, after I slid down the hill, you could see my bum trail from roughly a mile away. You're WELCOME, people of Moab.

So basically, we swam, we ate, we hiked, we Jeep-ed, and then we got home sunburned last night. All without nice shoes. Seriously, if you're local, you should definitely check it out. We used to go when we were kid-free, but this was out first time taking the mini-mes. They slept sooooo well last night.

So, my inner self was right. I should have taken cute pictures earlier. But it was fun and I don't care.

Did anyone else do anything fun over the weekend? Do you shun me for my flip flop wearage? Of course, you could also judge me for skipping out on church on Sunday AND watching Real Housewives of Orange County, but you're going to have to choose one.

Freaky Friday

SO I woke up this morning to see SNOW outside my window. What the what? Luckily, it'll be in the 70s all next week. Way to be, Utah.

Therefore, I am completely hibernating today until the sun comes out again. I shall amuse myself with bad fashion sent by my fave loyal readers. Thanks for the material, guys!



Amy snapped this pic while shopping at Ross. No, that's not her daughter trying on a pair of heels. That's size-7 Amy trying on a pair of size 14 boats. I'm just glad to know that women and drag queens with a size 14 foot can have cute shoes too.


Alexandra posed these on the Facebook page. I don't care who you are, but if your butt is visible, I will contemplate inserting a quarter. I may or may not actually do it, but just we warned. I'm thinking about it.


Lindsay snapped this shot at the zoo with her family. I can only assume that the zoo also features a circus, and this juggler was on her break. Please let that be true.


Meleah sent this pic of Jada Pinkett Smith at the Desperately Trying to Look Younger 2012 Awards. Oh wait, I meant Kids Choice. My bad!

Don't worry Jada, it's not like you're married to one of the most attractive men on the planet or anything. Definitely keep dressing like a deranged 12-year-old with child-bearing hips.


Sara sent me this awesome burger makeup listed on a page called "Looks to Try." I have never once looked at myself in the mirror and wished for more pickles and ketchup.


Deanna and Amy both sent me these picnic pants that open into a for-real table. Yeah, I'm pretty sure God already gave us space to eat off of our pants. It's called a lap. And conveniently enough, you can use it with your legs neatly closed.


Alexandra sent over the world's saddest pirate shirt. Somewhere, Jerry Seinfeld is very worried.


These shoes look like the entire craft section of the dollar store barfed onto a pair of heels. You guys know I love feathers, but not the kind you can buy in a big, multicolor plastic bag. (Thanks Stephanie!)


Just in case these pantaloon-thingies weren't ugly enough on their own, they have a weirdly smooth butt that makes me feel pervy.

Is it me, or does this scream "Unfinished Piece on Project Runway?"

It's almost as good as this:

Whatever you do, DO NOT step away from that wall.

(Thanks Heather!)

OMG you guys, what the duck is up with these shoes Sara sent me?

Bahahahahaha like I actually laughed while typing that. Just so you know. Puns.

Alright, I kind of want to make some hot chocolate and surf the web for cat videos, so my Friday is pretty much all booked up. Maybe I'll do something worthwhile tomorrow. I also need to go to Macy's... I have a gift card. It's not breaking the shopping diet if I have a gift card, right?

Right!?

All Dressed Up and Nowhere to Go

One complaint I often hear from moms is that they have nowhere to wear all the cute things posted on fashion blogs. I mean, really! When you're hauling diapers around, the clutch doesn't really have a place in your life. I can totally understand that. My husband bought me a gorgeous little designer handbag right before I had my first baby and I only got to carry it for like, a month before it was honkin' huge bag time.

Now, I'm sure you already know that I don't like this kind of thinking. It's like only eating fish sticks for a week yourself because that's all your picky two-year-old will eat. I think that stepping it up appearance-wise can make a big difference in how you carry yourself and how you feel.

But how can you make trendier, cuter stuff part of your daily repertoire? I'll tell you right now, it's going to freak some people out. When I started wearing dresses casually like, four years ago, people would always ask me why I was "so dressed up." And I'll admit, it annoyed me to death -- like, is anything but jeans considered "dressed up?" But after a while, people got used to it and I don't hear a peep.

Yes, it's hard to transition and it's a little embarrassing when people make a big deal about your wearing flats instead of sneakers, but it's all for a good cause, right?

Instead of sticking with the same old because you don't really have anywhere to wear something new, MAKE UP A REASON.

Check it out:

Halter neck top, $30
Lauren Conrad slim fit jeans, $35
Michael Antonio white heels, $50
Clutch handbag, $40
Stella dot jewelry, $44
Forever 21 antique rhinestone jewelry, $6.80

Seriously, one of the first things I do when I buy a new jacket or pair of shoes is snag a babysitter and tell my hubs we're going out for a night. Yes, I could go to the movies in a hoodie and sneaks, but it's way more fun to bust out the leopard print heels for a date, even if it's just to the cheap theater (which, in most cases for us, it is).

H m blazer, £25
H&M slim fit pants, £25
Black Paisley Border Top, £15
Wet Seal wedge heels, $22
Magid straw clutch, $50
Chandelier earrings, $20

Or how about a girl's night? I love to go for lunch or din-dins with my friends and wear some of my better stuff that doesn't get much play on a daily basis. I wore my yellow skinnies out to a friend's birthday lunch on Monday and I'm telling you now, women can appreciate colored jeans more than a man ever could.

Old Navy striped shirt, $17
Miss Selfridge skirt, $26
Blowfish ballerina flat, $40
Quiksilver beach tote bag, $33
Miss Selfridge cotton scarve, $25
H&M retro sunglasses, £4.99
Wet Seal beaded belt, $11

Even hanging out with your kids on a trip to the museum gives you a chance to bust out your new scarf or wear a preppy cardigan instead of the same old stuff.

All I'm saying is that you shouldn't be waiting for an invitation to the Oscars to get a little dressed up every now and again. For one, it's probably not going to happen, and if it does, you'll end up wearing Spanx.

NOT FUN.

Instead of biting your lip and relegating cute clothes to the back of your closet, bust 'em out and make 'em work for whatever you're doing. I cannot tell you how much of a difference it makes. I'm not even kidding. Yesterday I did laundry and mopped floors in a maxi skirt. I'd be lying if I said I didn't spin around a little and pretend I was Cinderella. I'm only human. Regardless, I didn't have to avoid my own reflection when I cleaned the mirrors, which is totally what happens when I'm hanging around the house in my husband's basketball shorts and that hoodie I have with inexplicable burn marks. I just can't bring myself to throw it out.

Anyway, I give you a challenge to find an "occasion" where you can get dressed up this week. Hey, I'm not talking stilettos and a cocktail dress to your kid's field trip, I'm talking lunch with the girls, an impromptu outing with your kidlets, or to surprise your significant other for lunch at work. Not only will it inspire you to wear some of the more special pieces in your closet, but it's FUN.

Will you promise? Dooooooooo it. Peeeeeer pressure!

What I Wore: Last Binge

I love these white pants. Love them. But white pants are so scary. I wore these to catch "Mirror Mirror" with my 6 year old and a gaggle of kindergarten friends and I spent the two hours worrying that I would get popcorn butter on them. Scary thought. I did OK, though, despite being the most spill-prone person on the planet.

Because it was a gooooorgeous spring day when I wore these, I decided to team up white with some coral and teal. And flip flops, because that's how I roll.


Sweater: Cotton On
Pants: Abercrombie
Scarf worn as belt: GAP
Flip flops: Ummm I've had them since I got married and can't remember. That was 9 years ago.
Earrings: Buckle
Ring: Downeast Basics

Seriously, is there a more summery combo than white, teal and coral? I think not. It made me want to eat peach snow cones and go for a ride in the Jeep with the top off. But alas, it would mess up my hair.



Local girls, have you checked out Cotton On in the University Mall? It's new and it's adorable. I bought a couple of shirts (including this one for cheap) and some home decor stuff. I KNOW. Home decor, who knew?

I will also point out that the beginning of April begins the start of my annual shopping diet. Since I tend to blow my shopping budget in May, I try not to buy anything in April to pad my account. Think I can do it? I bid a bittersweet farewell to the mall on Thursday. It was sad. We hugged. Tears were shed. Money was spent in binge-style. I'm done now.

Anyone wanna shopping starve with me? It'll be fuuuuun!

Freaky Friday: Fun with Keywords

I just got back from yoga, where I'm happy to say I didn't spend the entire time thinking about pastrami burgers. This time I was too busy agonizing over my freakishly small arms. Le sigh.

Anyway, I signed into my stat counter the other day and noticed that the weirdo search queries were piling up yet again. Time for some more fun with keywords, right?

(If you're new to the blog, "Fun with Keywords" is when I check the search queries that people used to find my oh-so-fine website and then try and figure out how to answer them. YAY!)

-"Volleyball nude."

Um, I'm not a huge volleyball player at all. But that's because I'm 5'4' yuk yuk yuk I am so funny. But seriously. There's a lot of jumping. If nude, wouldn't there be a lot of flopping as well? SHUDDER.

-"Sexy woman wearing half-arm latex gloves."

What an incredibly specific fantasy you have.
Wife: Want to role play tonight?
Husband: Do I!?
Wife: Tell me what you want.
Husband: I'd like you to wear half-arm latex gloves. HALF ARM. None of those unsexy wrist-length. Also, I'd like you to wear three-year-old tennis shoes with purple socks. PURPLE. Then, exactly two inches of belly skin showing. I have a ruler to check. Put your hair in a hairnet and draw a heart on your face while singing Coldplay's Viva la Vida.
Wife: I have a headache.

(In case you were wondering, yes, I did miss my calling as an adult film writer.)

-"Bedazzled jean jacket."


-"Fanny pack abs."

I think you and I both know there's no such thing. Fanny packs are almost always worn with a pancake butt and tourist belly, kthanks.

-"Mango fantasy clothes."

That really depends on the type of mango.


Either way, things are gonna get exotic.

-"Pikachu jokes."

Um.. OK. Here goes:

Why did the pokémon trainer hide under your bed?
So he could pikachu in the night!

Ba-dum dum cheeeee. (That was drum.)

-"Women cat exercise clothes."

Sorry. This was all I found. But I think it's infinitely more adorable than a woman wearing a cat leotard, amiright?

-"Freaky bunnies."

Please. There's an entire site dedicated to that.


As always, I want to personally thank the perverts, Internet newbies and people who just took a wrong turn at Google to get here. It means endless entertainment for yours truly and plenty of traffic that I probably shouldn't have gotten. Hooray internet!

Happy Friday guys!

How to Hide Heinous Roots

Spoiler alert here people! I'm not *actually* a natural blonde. I know, you're just blown away, right? I apologize for ruining your day.

Seriously though, old-timey readers know that I went blonde at the end of the summer last year because I got into my head that I could pull it off. After three hours in the hairstylist's chair I had scored the perfect shade and I've been overjoyed with the results. Know what I'm not overjoyed with?

The crazypants roots I get after a few weeks! I have freakishly thick, quick-growing hair, which means every couple of months I back, begging my hairdresser for more blonde. I figure I'll go back to dark hair this fall, but for summer, I'm keepin' it (not) real with the lighter color. I actually have an appointment on Friday, so you know it's getting bad.

So, that means I've had to become a prostar at hiding really bad roots until I can snag an appointment. One of the first things you want to avoid at all costs is giving your hair a hard part, like so:

K, you guys know I love you because I'm letting you see my really bad roots. Go ahead, make fun of me. I can take it. And by "take it" I mean "cry in my bed while eating ice cream and watching Sabrina."

But seriously, they look SO bad because my hair is slicked back into a pony. I might as well have made a sign that says "Hey, I'm busy and highlights cost a lot!"

Don't be like me.

Instead, how about these suggestions to get you through till hair day?

1) Tons of Texture

One way that I can usually hide roots is by using a ton of body and texture to trick the eye into thinking my hair is like, you know, done. Going with waves or curls makes the line between your real color and what you tell people your real color is by blurring the hard line of the roots. I just add product to wet hair and let it air dry or use a diffuser. Then I pretend like my diffuser is creature from outer space trying to attack my brains because sometimes I get bored while drying my hair.

2) Slick it Back

I love to have some sweepy bangage (which sounds kinda dirty) but when I have roots, I opt for something a little neater. I'll pull all of my hair back from the front hairline and do a messy bun. Then, I grab a thick cloth hair band and slide it right over the bad roots. You can then take your hair down for a totally cute vintage 70s look or leave it up, which always makes me look like I'm going to play volleyball, but whatevs. I'm not really because I'm a terrible volleyball player. TERRIBLE.

3) Ziz Zag Part

In highs chool, my brother learned the hard way that it's NOT OK to mess up the ziggy zaggy part a teenage girl spend three hours to create. But since we're not teenagers anymore, you shouldn't have to fear obnoxious 16 year olds messing up your hair. Unless it's your own kid. That's something I would totally do to my mom. (A reader pointed out that this originally said "do my mom" which is hilariously awkward/awesome. Oh Jae, when will you learn to proofread?)

Seriously, I love to torture her. Sometimes I like to bodycheck her into the wall when I pass her in the hallway. Is that mean?

I DIGRESS. A messy part can hide some seriously bad roots, so mix it up a little! Try parting your hair farther over than normal or go with a center part. Just let your hair fall wherever and you won't see them as badly. Or, grab a comb and seriously draw a zig zag going from the front of your hairline to your crown, then part. Done!

4) Eyeshadow

I know what you're thinking -- Jae's being drinkin' the crazy juice. But unless crazy juice is peach/mango Crystal Light, I assure you, I have not. Eyeshadow can be your BFF when your roots are showing. Seriously! I've totally done this and my secret is out. People who know me IRL, don't you DARE JUDGE ME.

Grab some eyeshadow close to the color of your dyed hair. I use a goldy color. Spray your hair with hairspray and quickly brush a little eyeshadow onto your roots while the spray is tacky. Hey, it's not going to work every time, but when you only have a half inch showing and you have family pictures, it's totally worth the quick fix.

SO, have I given you hope for the future? If all else fails, wear a hat. I've been wearing one nonstop this week because I know I'm *so close* to getting rid of my roots. Ahhh... hair salon feeling, you shall be mine!

What I Wore: Colored Skinnies

So did everyone see The Hunger Games? I thought it was innnnnsane. I'm waiting for my brother to get up so I can gab about it with him. Bah. So good.

Anyway, I declared this last weekend "The Weekend of the Skinnies!" Because I basically lived in them. I posted my yellow pants on the Facebook page -- I wore those on Thursday -- then I dragged out the red skinnies for the movie.

If you missed it, here's my yellow skinny outfit.

I hate camera phone pics but I was home alone so you'll have to deal.
Chambray: Papaya
Skinnies: Local boutique
Socks: Target
Boots: Frye
Necklace: Buckle
Crap on the floor: My bathrobe

Then here's my spin with the reds.

Top: Buckle and c/o mod bod
Blazer: f21
Pants: Same local boutique as the yellows
Wedges: Full Tilt YAYYYY wedge weather!
Earrings: Charlotte Russe

OMG, you guys, check out my hair. I did it as my homage to the movie.


I didn't want to do the whole Katniss braid but something along the same line. Easy peasy.

So I'm officially addicted to the colored skinnies, even if my hubby told me that the yellow ones made me look like Willy Wonka.

A super fashionable Willy Wonka, maybe.

I'll take it. This is coming from a man who once described his favorite color as "neutral."

Freaky Friday

Hey Friends!

I'd be totally lying if I said my entire day isn't revolving around The Hunger Games... my tickets are for 6pm, who else is going? Sorry, I can't do the whole midnight showing thing. I'm too old and I watched a thing on the news last night about people who dressed up for the movie. I wondered HOW on earth you could dress up for it, then I saw I couple. She was wearing fruit around her neck and he was wearing a game of Sorry around his neck. Together they were hunger....games.

I kind of hope they're celibate.

Anyway, did everyone see my yellow jeans yesterday? I'm kind of in love. Especially because if you're a long-time reader, you'll know that this was not my first pair of yellow pants. I had a vinyl pair back when I was 16 and was the complete height of fashion (kill me). I think my jeans are slightly better, but you can be the judge.

But, onward and upward. Let's finish FF so I can go play in my closet and obsess over what to wear tonight.



I definitely won't wear these shoes, since I'm not going to Target beforehand. Also, I feel like if you actually wore these in a Target, the universe would explode. (Thanks Bethany!)


Janelle was shopping last week and snapped this shot of a blazer made completely of human skin. It would be more realistic if it had hair.

OMG, have any of you seen the movie "Ravenous?" When I was younger I used to hang out with these guy friends who loved it and they made me watch it and I've never been more sick in my life. Seriously. It's about CANNIBALS.

I also now own it. I kind of want to wear this blazer and watch it. While eating KFC.


Stephanie sent me these shoes, which automatically made me think of how painful it would be if you kicked some guy in the crotch while wearing them. Weird, right? It's all those self defense classes they made us take in high school. Seriously. These are the new form of pepper spray.


Ami sent these along with the comment that it kind of look like crabs were crawling upward to the crotch area. What is the deal with uterus shapes on the pelvis, people. As long as you took 7th grade health class, you KNOW it's there. You also know that page 17 in the textbook has boobs.


Sara sent me these cat shoes because she knows I *love* when people wear animals on their feet. Other things I *love* sarcastically?
-Slow people in the mall.
-Lady Gaga
-Eating healthy food on the weekend.
-Dubstep
-Waking up because my son has tried to get to the potty in the night, but started peeing in front of the toilet before his pants were down. LOVE IT.
-When the Utah Jazz play back to back games and I have to sit through six hours of basketball.
-Jumpsuits.


You've heard of the maxi dress right? What about the maxi sweater? All I can picture is the smell of patchouli and a lot of waddling.


Speaking of JUMPSUITS! How about a droopy one that looks like it was knitted in your grandma's nursing home?

Also, what are these models doing to their ankles!? Is it weird I always notice that?


Hey, if you don't want to wear pants, that's totally fine. It's a free country. Just don't wear something labeled as "shorts" like they're legit. Hint: if you need to wax before you put them on, they're too short.


Oh, I have such a pure and abiding hatred for anything asymmetrical. Especially when it makes you have a fifth mystery limb.


OK, I know some of you had trouble getting on board with the bacon bra.... but how about a bacon scarf? I would leave it next to the griddle while making bacon so that I could carry around the scent of bacon wherever I went. Then people on the street would wanna smell my scarf too and it would be totally normal.

Plus I love the girl's expression in this pic. Like "Yep. It's a bacon scarf."

Alright, I'm off and running. I'm thinking red skinnies for the movie?

4 Things That Make You Look Fat

Ooh, that's a harsh title, right? I KNOW. It's shock value. I'm so shocking.

But seriously, I want to take a minute to talk about a few habits that make you look chubbier than you really are. First, can we say that I really hate serious self-deprecation? Like, joking that you're a terrible cook is one thing. I'm a terrible cook. But whining that you look fat is another thing altogether. I feel like it's just asking for the sympathy vote and I don't like it.

You are the way you are. If you don't like it, change it. If you don't feel like changing it, learn to live with it.

But body types and weight aside, there are things I see women do ALL THE TIME that make them look fat. Seriously, a Victoria's Secret model would look paunchy if she broke some of these rules. Because size is really all relative, it's worth it to check if you're guilty of some of these sins. That way, you can look skinnier without hitting the gym (and I mean that. Yesterday was "personal best" day at the gym, where you're supposed to push yourself harder than before. I woke up to cement legs this morning. Ouch.)

1) Wearing Clothes that Don't Fit

Whether it's too big or too small, it makes you look fat. Clothes make a huge difference in the way your body looks, period. I am one of those people who is way heavier than she looks. Which is exactly the reason I haven't weighed myself in three years.

Is there anything worse than seeing someone stuff herself sausage-style into way-small clothes? Yes. Seeing someone shlub around in clothes that are way too big. They're equal offenders. That's why you should always try clothes on, tailor them if necessary and use stuff like belts or cardigans to help define your look. Who cares about the actual size? I'm concerned about the fit. You can look svelte at size 6 or 16 as long as your clothes actually fit your body.

2) Wearing the Wrong Pattern

OK, here's where it gets dicey. Patterns are awesome. But patterns can also make you look fat. Some serious zero in on your trouble areas, like HERE I AM. I have a shirt that I really love, but the pattern makes me look like I just ate Thanksgiving dinner. Not cool. Try on clothes and make sure the pattern detracts. That's why I love abstract patterns. Geometric and uniform patterns can make you look chubby when they don't lay completely right.

Also, look for patterns that are proportional to your body. If you carry some extra weight and you wear a teeny pattern, it looks like there's this vast amount of polka dots or whatever. Look for a mid-sized pattern instead and you'll look way slimmer.

3) Slouching

Yeah, your mom was right. Oh, this one really gets on my nerves. Probably because I'm inexplicably proud of my posture. It's like I went to one of those old timey schools where they made you walk with a book on your head -- but I didn't. I just know that slouching makes you look fat and paunchy. Seriously. How about you tuck your shoulders back and straighten up. Stop walking around like you want to be invisible. Standing up straight is like, a 1 second diet. You'll look skinnier and like you're actually happy to be alive. Win!

4) Crappy Accessories

You know I love me some accessories, right? They are the way to make an outfit look on-purpose. But they can also make you look fat if they emphasize the wrong areas of your body. Ask me why I never where those full finger rings. Go ahead, ask me!! It's because I have stubby child hands and they make me look like a weirdo. Cocktail rings are much better on me. Same goes with dicey accessories that are hard to pull off, like a choker. Instead, look for accessories that lengthen: a drop pair of earrings, a long scarf, some layered necklaces. They'll make the eye look up and down rather than side to side. Yay!

SO yeah, you can totally look slimmer without a huge Biggest Loser weight overhaul. I mean, that would be super cool, but most of us don't need to lose 200 lbs, just perk up a bit.

Fess up: Are you guilty of any of these?

What I Wore: Rainy Day

SO remember how I was wearing shorts last week? I had planned to wear an adorable spring outfit COMPLETE WITH ORANGE when I woke up to gray, drizzly snow on Sunday morning. I decided the orange would have to wait and I pulled out my trusty yellow trench. I've had this jacket forever but I only ever wear it a couple of times per year. I always forget it's just hanging out in the mudroom, waiting for it's time to shine. You shall not wait any longer, yellow trench coat.


If I look tired, it's because I spent Saturday doing spring cleaning. It was awful, but now my house is junk-free and smells like bleach. Love!
Sweater: I can't remember. Story of my life.
Skirt: F21
Belt: Stolen from a skirt I bought at Urban Trend
Bracelet: Inspired Silver. Even though it's gold.
Ring and earrings: F21
Trench: I bought it online but the tag just says "twentyone" but I don't think like, F21 so I really have no clue. Thanks, online shopping. Regardless, I love yellow with leopard. Happy times!
Shoes: Qupid


Shoe shot time! I wanted these for like, a month before I bucked up and bought them. My husband thinks they're ridiculous but he generally thinks all of my shoes are ridiculous. He has like, three pairs. It's embarrassing.

Anyway, you may have noticed that Freaky Friday was missing last week. My computer had a seizure on Friday and I called it good and went out to play with friends instead. The level of commitment I have to this blog is astounding.

Since it's Monday, I'm trying to get off of my weekend hangover by thinking up some of the good things that have happened today. Here are a few:
-I went to lend my copy of The Hunger Games to my sister-in-law and found $10 stashed inside. I'm pretty sure it's my brother's. I'm going to spend it anyway.
-I went to Pilates class and had my butt handed to me, but now I feel so strong I could tear the head off of a billy goat. Don't mess with me today.
-Kid's Netflix. Need I say more?
-I have to go grocery shopping today, which is lame, but I love the day after you grocery shop and there's SO MUCH FOOD. Especially since I've been living on Reese's Eggs for the past weekend. My Mini Eggs were all gone.
-My house is already clean, so when my kids take a nap I won't feel guilty for reading a book and watching Real Housewives of Orange County. Winning!

Anybody else have any Monday goodness to share?