Shape Up or Ship Out

Deep breath.

Today, I am going to talk to you about something that usually moms don't want to talk about. They'd like to seem effortlessly skinny after having babies, like everyone in Hollywood. "I don't even work out!" they say. The weight just falls off, right?

Um, that would be WRONG. Thanks again, Angelina Jolie for perpetuating that awesome lie that makes regular people all over the world feel dumpy after having a baby. I do, however, nurture a serious girl crish on Jennifer Garner, for the sole reason that when asked how she got rid of the baby weight said "I had to get my biscuit on the treadmill like EVERYONE ELSE." Love you, JenGar. Let's hang out.

Anyway, want to know the real reason your fave celebs look so good after popping out quintuplets or whatever they're doing nowadays? SHAPEWEAR. Yeah. You heard me right. They are all wearing Spanx. No matter how hard they try to act like they were just born into the bodies of goddesses, they have shapewear on under those Oscar gowns. Do you know how I know that?

No belly button. Even the skinniest person will show a belly button indentation when wearing tight clothes. Celebs never have that. Because they are wearing their tighties underneath.

Luckily, shapewear is available for mere mortals to purchase, and it can give you a much need silhouette boost in certain outfits.

I'll admit it. I am pretty small framed and generally like my body. But I own one brown jersey dress that I will absolutely not wear without a shapewear cami underneath. IT CLINGS. I feel naked and lumpy and ribby without it. I think most women feel ashamed when they have to wear shapewear or feel like it's cheating. The truth is, some clothes just won't look good without it. And honestly, it is awesome in the first three months after having a baby.

Usually you think of shapewear and think of scary girdle type dealies that are admittedly terrifying, and they are UNCOMFORTABLE. They slip down and make you look sausagey and make you look exactly how you DON'T want to.

Luckily, new school shapewear is AH-MAZ-ING. Half of it doesn't even look like anything, and the other half is comfier and waaay more discreet.

Let's get it out there. I don't like one piece bicycle short shapewear that goes from like, your knees to your shoulders. It is a pet peeve of mine to see a lady moving around and catch glimpses of the scary nude fabric that is indicative of shapewear. Plus, your poor husbands will never get you out of it. Anyone remember that scene from Bridget Jones' Diary? Scarred me for life.

Choose your shapewear according to application and trouble spot. For instance, me. When I want to wear my very clingy jersey dress that I love, I know that I'm going to have a problem area in my tummy. Cami solves it and voila, perfect, belly button-less outfit.

Take a look at these sweet options when it comes to your dirty-little-secret shapewear.


The tube (Blissworld). This is awesome if you just want to slim your tummy under more casual wear. Good for everyday use, they'll have sticky undersides so you don't have to worry about slippage.


I love this for under a dress (Asos). Besides the fact that it slims all over, it doesn't look scary or frumpy. It'll smooth out the VPL or VBL so that you look pretty darn flawless. Anyone would just assume it's an adorable little slip. This is ideal for little wrap dresses.



Hello, lover! A slimming cami (by Spanx) is faaantastic for going under just about anything, and if you don't love layers it just looks like a regular cami and you look ridiculously tiny. I wear one under my clingy dress and it just looks like a regular layering cami. You can even make vapid remarks about how the weight just fell off and that you're lucky you have good genes.


Do double duty with pretty patterned tights (Spanx) that make your butt and legs look crazy out of this world. I was wearing something like this soon after I had my daughter, and my best friend of 20 years was like "OMG your butt looks good." In case you were wondering , yes, we do often make mildly uncomfortable remarks to each other about our general good-lookingness. Some things will never change. But the point is, tightie tights were the reason. And they are totally ADORABLE too, right?


If you're looking for the Jessica Rabbit body in your pencil skirt, pick a slimming slip like this one, also from Spanx (omg their line is incredible. Really, you must check out all the cool stuff they have.) Anyway, these will smooth out bumps and give you a crazy awesome hourglass figure that is completely enviable.

Alright, so now I've outed myself. I don't have a perfect body. Why? Because I had one kid, and then barely got my old body back before getting pregnant with twins and spending six weeks on bed rest. I don't think it will ever return to it's former glory. (Oh 17 year old me, WHY, WHY did you not appreciate your hotness more?) Instead, I have to respect it for doing it's thing, and work with what I've got. Dress the body you have NOW. It's totally fine to give it a nudge in the right direction. I promise, for once, I will not judge.