Freaky Friday: Love Letters

Ah, you guys! My kids went to the cabin with their grandparents yesterday evening and I've been home alone since. So far, I've done exciting things like: eat ribs like a motherflippin' ladyboss, go to Wal-Mart, stay up late to watch Jimmy Fallon with my husband and work with very loud and inappropriate Robin Thicke music playing in the background. It's glorious, especially after a week of Spring Break where I felt all this pressure to be the best mom ever and take my kids to every crowded, overpriced activity we could think of. I have big plans to catch up on all the HBO I DVRed last week, watch wedding shows and do my hair. I'm giddy.

Unfortunately, I'm on my annual April shopping diet, otherwise I'd be using this mama time-off to hit up stores. It's killllllling me for real. I'm going for a girl's trip in a few weeks, so I can binge then but for now, I'm trying to stay away from online shopping. And to do that, I'm writing love letters to some of my favorite mom-related celebs and public figures that I've been thinking of lately.


Dear Gwyneth Paltrow:

So I noticed that you're back trying to make me hate you again. And you're doing an excellent job, I might add. When you released your "Spring Review" aka "Spring Humblebrag About How Rich You Are", I'll admit that I was curious. After all, if you're spending $450K on clothes this spring, I can only assume you purchased excellent pieces that can be worn in a variety of ways for seasons to come.

 And yet... I was so wrong. Instead, you showed pieces that would work on no one. Not even yourself. And yeah, I know you worked hard on that toned belly by eating baby food and doing the idiotic Tracey Anderson method for two hours every day, but I still don't want to see your stomach. I actually don't want to see anyone's stomach outside of a pool or beach. And I DARE you to wear those orange metallic shorts again. DARE.

Kisses,
Jae

Dear Kim Kardashian

Sweetie. Honey. Baby. Muffin. Cinnamon Buns. You have GOT to start thinking about maternity clothes for me. Look, I know you want to be cool and sexy during your pregnancy. We all do. But it's OK to show off your bump -- don't cover it up. Sure, your babydaddy is a huge douchecanoe and is probably a jerk about you shopping a A Pea in the Pod like normal people, but he doesn't own you. Seeing you stuff your belly into high-waisted pants or hiding it under huge flowy dresses makes my heart hurt.

Also, pregnancy is NOT the time to go with a strapless bra. Because now my heart and my back hurts. You're a millionaire. You can do better than this.

Check out Jessica Simpson, who is doing a MUCH better job with clothing this time around:



 Can we just make a tight shirt and cute blazer like, the uniform for maternity clothes? That would be greaaaat.

Thanks!
Jae

Dear That Person Who Wrote the "Dear Mom on the iPhone" Letter I Saw on Facebook:

I honestly wanted to write a whole tirade about this because it irked me so bad. But I've calmed down and now I'll just say a few things.

1) Hey, other people who aren't parents to my kids -- wanna stop judging me for it? As long as mine are fed, clothed, sheltered and safe, I'm doing my job and you don't need to worry. I've got this.

2) My kids actually don't need me drooling and clapping like a seal over everything they do. Not every trip down the slide is going to be the best ever. Sometimes, it's just a routine trip to the park and I don't need to bring a DSLR camera to document every movement.

3) Let's face it: Kids are pretty mediocre most of the time. It's just mommy blogs, Instagram and judgey article writers who make it sound like your child is just a magical fairy dust moment waiting to happen in perfect lighting. We're spawning a generation of moms who plunge into deep depression when they have children and realize that most of the time their kids smell like peanut butter and have hobo hair and do stupid things like trying to be ninjas and hurting themselves and then what will they blog about???

4) I'm checking my phone because I'm emailing a client. I work. I actually want my kids to see me working. My work is important to me. One day, I want work to be important to them too.

5) I'm taking my kids to the park and that should be super-mom enough. I consider this a triumph because they could be inside watching SpongeBob. Don't ruin that for me. 

6) "Your little boy keeps shouting, "Mom, MOM watch this!" I see you acknowledge him, barely glancing his way. He sees that too. His shoulders slump." 
Excuse me while I vomit. You know what moms need right now? More guilt. Because they don't have enough from everyone else already. So now, not only do I have to feel guilty that my kids don't eat an all-organic diet, go to private school or read at an 8th grade level, I have to feel guilty each time I look at my freakin' phone. I was actually looking for something else to feel guilty about, so thanks for that.

7) Stop watching me at the park. It's creepy.

Love forever,
Jae

Dear Josh Duhamel:

You're adorable. I read an article that said you called Fergie giving birth "a beautiful thing." And yeah, it's pretty special. But be prepared for the not-so-beautiful parts too. Because giving birth is also pretty slimy.

With warning,
Jae


Dear Amanda Bynes' Mom:

I don't know if you realize this, but your daughter is having a mental breakdown. Like, stage 5, Michael Jackson dangling a baby out of a window capital-M Meltdown. Where are you? You need to go scoop her up, bring her home and bake her shepherd's pie while watching a Downton Abbey marathon like a good mother.

This is a cry for help.  A really badly-dyed cry.

Lovingly,
Jae


Dear Holly Madison:

You named your child Rainbow.




















So I guess we're assuming she's not becoming a lawyer?

In all seriousness,
Jae



Whew... that felt good to get off my chest. It's your turn! Anyone you'd like to write a passive-aggressive note about? Because I want the dishy dirt while I watch wedding shows!

Ask Jae: Part II

So after I did my last "Ask Jae," I had a bunch of questions filter in via email and Facebook and I'd feel like a huge jerk if I didn't answer them. I mean, I'm a huge jerk anyway, I don't need this on top of it. Luckily most of the questions are pretty broad and helpful for everyone, so instead of just answering them via email, I'll do it here. YAY efficiency.

Elise asked: "Are leggings an appropriate resolution to a skirt that leans towards being too short?"

Hi Elise. Okay, so you can take this with a huge grain of salt, but I am not a lover of leggings. I can see why you'd want to wear them for modesty's sake, but I'm all about looks because I'm super vain. Seeing that legging peeking out throws the outfit off for me because it becomes super casual. I'm much happier with an extender slip -- you can see my What I Wore post from two Mondays ago. They're super cute and I feel like they add to a look rather than subtract. I've been very happy with mine and love that a lot of my dresses and skirts feel "new" with it.


Patricia asked: "So I was wondering if you could maybe give me some outfit ideas for the summer? I always love the layering and maxi dresses I see on here, but I'm from Tucson, AZ and sometimes I wish I could go out naked it is SO very hot here."

Kristina also asked: "What's a tall 40 year old girl to wear in the summer? I typically stick to skirts, dresses, or a light weight pair of jeans cuffed at the ankle. I think I might never wear shorts again. 2 inch inseams? Are they kidding?"

A|Wear fitted wedding dress, $15 / Dress / H&M capped sleeve dress, $30 / A|Wear lacey dress, $18 / Dorothy Perkins cotton dress / H&M h m, $38 / Wallis print dress / Shirts dress / Knee boots / A|X Armani Exchange leather strappy sandals / Oasis leopard print shoes, $36 / TOMS shoes / Michael Antonio espadrille wedge / N.Y.L.A. espadrille wedge / Lining shoes / Charlotte Russe skimmer shoes

Well, by all means, go out naked -- the neighbors would love it. But, in the case that you just don't feel naked-ready, I can tell you that when the desert summer rolls around, I love in my bermudas and dresses. Not maxi dresses -- just knee-length cotton dresses I pick up on the cheap. I love that they're one piece, don't need layering and have a built-in ventilation system if ya know what I'm sayin'. Casual dress + cute sandals = love forever.

Check out places like Dorthy Perkins and Asos for cute, knee-length dresses to keep you cool. 

Shorts can be trickier. Short and it's scary bum cheek territory and too long and you can look a little dumpy. I look for shorts to hit juuuuust above my knee cap. Then you get a nice long leg line that is cute and not stumpifying. Pair it with a featherweight tee and you're pretty much done!

Lorraine is adorable and wonders: "I'm retired and feel most comfortable in casual clothing. In summer it's shorts, my fav Asics or flip flops and a tee.  Occasionally I need to step it up a notch.  Nice jeans, etc.  But I can't seem to find or know how to put things together that say  "She knows how to dress her body"!  Help!"


Well you are just my favorite person ever for being retired and still wanting to look cute. You're petite, so you want things that won't overwhelm your figure. When it comes to dressing over 50, classic silhouettes are best -- I love a skinny cigarette pant with a embellished top and cardigan or jacket. Add flats and you'll totally look like you know what you're doing. I think the trick is to go classic, but bring in modern colors, like coral and turquoise. Like so.

Oatmeal cardigan, $20 / Oasis metallic top, $42 / J.Crew j. crew pants / Charles Albert shoes / Cross body handbag / Pendant jewelry

Sarah sent me a message to ask about business casual wear for her new job. "Are there any pieces i should be buying that go with everything (or most)?"  

I find that offices get more casual all the time. So before you ever go shopping. I'd head to work for a week and see what other people in the office are wearing. You might find that things are a little more casual than you expected -- or more formal. That way, you know what you need to buy. And business casual doesn't have to be a total snoozefest. While you should definitely adhere to some rules -- skirts to the knees, covered shoulders, put your boobs away -- you can still have fun with jewelry. Start with a basic formula of straight-cut pants, a bright top and then a topper, like a cardi or blazer. When it gets hot, you'll want to swap out the topper for shirts that are interesting enough on their own. You don't need button-ups and suits unless you really want to wear one. Business casual usually just translates to modest and streamlined. Also, I love dresses for BC wear. It's an easy way to get dressed in the morning and boots or wedges help tone down the formal factor.

H&M h m blazer, $23 / H&M slim pants, $38 / Black Paisley Border Top, $23 / Wet Seal heel wedge shoes / Magid handbag / Sabine jewelry

Dorothy Perkins print dress, $23 / Clarks black boots, $76 / Buckle handbag / Bracelet jewelry / MNG by Mango coral jewelry / Elastic belt

Julia wanted to know "I was wondering where good places to shop for maxi skirts are??"

I can definitely tell you a few places where I've found awesome maxi skirts! LulaRoe.com has sent me a maxi skirt before and its an entire store dedicated to just maxi skirts of crazy adorableness.  I've also done really well at like, neighborhood boutique places like Urban Trends... if you're in Utah, let me know and I can direct you ;). I also have a few skirts from Forever21, just be mindful of the length because I find them to be a little shorter than normal. Check with department stores too -- Macy's had a ton and for cheap when I was there a few weeks ago!

Heather has a serious prob: "With my job I have to wear a ton of work polos or tee shirts with a logo on the front. It's very blah and I want to spice it up...only thing is that I work in the front office of a warehouse."

When I was in high school and right after graduating, I worked as a receptionist in a front-end office of a warehouse-type place. I didn't have to wear a polo, but it definitely wasn't a dress-up place. And if I were in your situation, I'd definitely steer clear of khakis because khakis+work shirt makes you look like you're a  theme park or Best Buy employee. Instead, I'd spice things up with styling the shirt -- cute, statement jewelry or wearing bright wedges with some ankle pants. Or, you could top a polo with a well-fitted, bright blazer to differentiate yourself from the average warehouse worker. That would also work well with a graphic work tee, as long as the tee fits well. Does that help?

Finally, Lori asked: "What do you do about pale skin? Summer's coming and I am NOT ready!"

 

Yeaaaaah about that. Honestly, I don't think there's anything wrong with pale skin. Okay, so a tan might make you feel better. But after my bout with stupid skin cancer last year (it was completely non life-threatening, but it did result in a sucktastic surgery and a scar that I could have done without) I am a respecter of sun. I've never been in a tanning bed in my life. If I do need to get some color, I either use the Jergens lotion that adds color gradually (because I'm a spaz and probably won't apply one-shot color well) or run and get a Mystic Tan. Other than that, I wear sunscreen every day and embrace my Canadian paleness. You can too!


Okay, I think I got them all! Remember you can send questions whenever and I'll more than likely answer them in a completely non-timely manner. But it's the thought, right?

 

What I Wore: Moab Love 2013

So I went to Moab with the fam this weekend. And I mostly wore workout pants and T-shirts. But I thought I'd blog about it anyway since I did last year. Traditions, people. Blog traditions!

We've been going to Moab since we were dating -- in fact, my husband proposed to me just a few days after our first-ever trip there. I guess he just couldn't resist the way I look when driving a Jeep and not showering.

This year we planned MUCH better and instead of doing the whole "Wouldn't it be cool to go to Moab right this minute?" thing, we actually like, booked a hotel and had the Jeep serviced at least a week in advance. I was very proud.

 This is what happens at Moab. Really bad hair. There's sand and dust everywherrrrrrre. 

 A woefully inadequate sign.

"Hazardous cliffs." They forgot to add "especially when wrangling a really excited 4-year-old."

 

 "And very nervous 7-year-old. Also, a 28-year-old who's scared of heights. While her husband takes pictures from a safe distance." 

 Guys, I know you can't see it, but this is totally me driving like a boss. 

 

I give my husband dirty looks when driving, FYI. 

What I wore:
Victoria's Secret tee
Buckle sunglasses
Workout pants
Nikes

.... all. weekend. long. 

 

Excuse me while I pray for our survival.

Especially when there is an erratic child behind the wheel. 

 Meanwhile, back at the hotel, I finally got to wear this amazing swimsuit that Beverly Swimwear sent me. Excuse me while I die of cuteness/awesome tan line overdose.

I need to get a better picture of it, because it is seriously awesome. I chose it specifically for wakeboarding and I can't waaaaaait.

 We also did the Moab Easter Egg hunt. Thirty minutes of buildup, thirty seconds of activity.

 Oh I'm sorry, I forgot my kid was too cool for school.

So yeah, no cute outfits. Just some family time where I didn't have to ask my child to take pictures of me. I forget that being behind the camera is fun too. And I can have dirt in my hair. Don't worry, it's washed out now.

Mostly.

Freaky Friday + Giveaway Winner!

 First off, our Shabby Apple giveaway winner! Drumroll please....

Alison Miller Pandina, you get to go shopping! Keep an eye out for an email from Shabby Apple with your spoils and thanks for entering, friends.

If my post is completely riddled with more typos than usual, I apologize. I went out last night to celebrate a friend's birthday and we had our nails done and somehow, I reacted to whatever they used in the pedi bath. Like, my feet went all red and swollen and I'm hopped up on Benedryl to try and take it down. Luckily we're trying to get ready for a little getaway this weekend, so it's not like I need to be focused or efficient or anything... siiiiigh.

Anyway, let's round out our dress week with some of the uglies I've come across.

 Somewhere, a Eurotrash bar is missing a Paris Hilton. 

 I'm hoping this is a learning development dress for children. "Point to the blue circle, kids!" 

 Just in case you were hoping to fish your sleeves out of your soup all night long.

 I see London, I see France, I see parts of you that should only be accessible via speculum!

And, yes, I did have to show you both views of the dress. Also, what is this model staring at? Did she just see her dignity fly on by?

 Somewhere Angelina Jolie's leg is twitching. It wants in on this BAD.

 For when you want to show your love for Jesus, but also Jello shooters.

 Finally! A use for that ugly scrap of fabric your grandma gave you!

Is it me, or does every bag of scrap fabrics have  a piece that looks exactly like this?

 "I like it."

 Well this looks suspiciously like self-loathing. 

Well, I'm going to pop another Benedryl and then drunkenly pack a suitcase full of unrelated things YAY. Happy weekend, guys!

5 Reasons to Wear More Dresses + A Shabby Apple Giveaway!

Yesterday I was doing my laundry (I always do laundry on Monday -- only Monday so it doesn't taint the rest of my week) when I realized that my dress collection is getting out of control. For a once-tomboy, a huge portion of my closet is now reserved for cocktail dresses, maxi dresses, wrap dresses -- you name it. But why not?

Dresses are pretty much my favorite thing to wear. And it makes me sad when people think dresses are only for Sunday or "dressing up." NAY! NAY to that I say! I say dresses are for everyday. No, don't go to Wal-Mart in full cocktail garb, but  a cute summer or maxi dress? Yes. DOoooo it.

If you need more convincing, here's five reasons that dresses should make an appearance in your closet.

1. They're Easy.

I hate when I'm wearing like, a maxi dress, which is pretty much like pajamas, and someone is like "Wow, you're all dressed up." Are you kidding me? Between struggling into a pair of jeans and finding a matching shirt and belt or just pulling on a dress, the dress wins every time. It's one piece, no layering unless you want and you don't have to worry about lubing yourself up just to put it on.

2. They're Pretty.

Look, I was raised by a feminist. I am a feminist. I have a job. My own bank account. I get all z-snappy when someone talks about women's rights. But hey, I can still like to be pretty. And dresses make me feel pretty. Especially maxi dresses. Like, there's just something pretty and dramatic about not doing the pants thing. Especially if you haven't burned your bra.

3. They're Versatile.

I have this uber-cute striped wrap dress. It's not even that special. It's just a plain old dress. But it's SO versatile that I keep it around. I wear it with flats and a cardi in the summer, with tights and a leather jacket in the winter and it always looks perfect. There are so many pieces that you can only wear one way, but dresses can go up or down in the formality department and always look awesome.

4. You Can Eat More.

You know when you're wearing a tight shirt or that pencil skirt that you love, but when you eat, you can practically see the outline of your taco in your belly after? I am no stranger to food babies, which is why I love me a dress. Tight pants and shirts make me look a few months pregnant after eating a burrito, but dresses never do me like that. They stay looking awesome and I can eat to my heart's content TAKE THAT PANTS.

5. They're Always Appropriate.

Wedding? Wear a dress. Office job? Wear a dress. Lunch with the girls? Dress me, baby. Shopping? Dress. Date night? Dreeeeeesssss. Are you getting my drift here? Other than the gym or doing cartwheels on your lawn, there's literally no event where a dress isn't totally appropriate. Just make sure the type of dress matches up with the event ie: casual dresses for casual events, people. And if anyone says anything about your dress-ness, the correct answer is "Jealous?"

PS that's the correct answer for any negative comment. Forever.

So, in celebration of my obscene love for dresses and the fact that they're taking over my closet, I'm teaming up with Shabby Apply for a dress giveaway. YAY! I own a couple of Shabby Apple dresses and they are ah-mahzing. I'm currently on a vintage dress kick and they are pretty much perf.

So, want $75 to spend on starting (or supplementing) your own dress wardrobe? Sure you do!


a Rafflecopter giveaway
The giveaway ends on Friday morning, so you have today and tomorrow to enter. Sorry, I just hate giveaways that drag on and on. I'll announce the winner on Freaky Friday. Also, U.S. entries only... sorry Canucks, I don't make the rules -- I just follow them because I was politely raised that way and you should understand

Now go forth and buy pretty dresses, my friends! 

What I Wore: Peep Show

Oooh, peep show, the title is so tantalizing.

Well, I'm sorry to say that I'm fully clothed. BUT! I did get to wear my peep toe shoes for the first time this year and I had a lacy slip peeping out of my dress, so I feel like that's even more exciting. eShakti.com offered to send me another one of their awesome sauce dresses and this is the one I chose. It was a tank and a little shorter, so I had some length and sleeves added for a little 40s flair. Unfortunately, because my legs are disproportionately long, the dress was still a bit short. No worries -- I picked up this wardrobe-extending slip the other day and all was right with the world. Well, except for like, world hunger and whatnot. That is not right.

I look really smug here.

Dress: c/o eShakti
Necklace: Nordstrom
Shoes: F21
Ring: Inspired Silver

I loveee the way eShakti dresses fit. You send 'em your measurements and customization requests, they send you back something pretty that fits like a glove.

These shoes pretty much ate my feet, but look how cute. And polka dot toes? I die. This is how I spend my Saturday nights you guys. Jelly beans and nail polish. That's it. 

It's fun to look at dressed-up pictures when I'm still in pajamas and a hoodie. Such fond memories. Of yesterday. Le sigh.

Freaky Friday: Manly Men Edition

I know I make fun of women's clothing A LOT, so I decided that it was the boys' turn. I write a column for men's fashion from time to time and yesterday I was working on an article about Mad Men. It was totally appropriate, since I've been plowing my way through Mad Men on Netflix for the last few weeks. It's my new guilty pleasure. And while I spend most of the time girl crushing on Joan, I do occasionally stop to think about how amazing the men looked. Of course, they were also raging sexists, but hey, they looked pretty slick doing it. Now we get the opposite -- sloppy-looking men who really, like, respect us for our minds, you know? And I GUESS that's better. But sloppy or no, make sure your guy isn't committing any of these cardinal manly men sins.

Proof that longcrotch works on neither men or the ladies. Best to not make people think your pelvic bone is 12 inches long. 

 You're not a real man until your pants wear pants.

 Well, you look awfully smug for a man wearing a corset and Seneca's beard from The Hunger Games.

For the man who separately wants to look like a stereotypical gay raver. Like, JUST ONCE I want a gay raver to wear like, khakis and oxfords. Just to mess with people's heads.

My husband is practically allergic to v-necks. I wonder if this is a good place to start? 

 For the man who wants to prove that he's available for conference calls and client meetings, but also the beach is THAT WAY.

 Hey, Romeo. Laces belong on your shoes. Not your rippling chest muscles. Staaaaaaahp. 

PS is that acid wash? Because if it is, I quit. 

 Finally! Pants cobbled together from a respectable pair of jeans and also that pair that your dad has had since 1993 and refuses to give away.

I read an article about how Kim Kardashian's wardrobe choices have been inspired by Kanye because he's just soooooo fashionable right now. 

Really, pregnant lady? You're letting a man in a skirt tell you what to wear? If I was pregnant and my baby daddy was like "Hey, you should wear those brocade hammer pants I picked out for you" I'd be like "Yeah and you should gestate a human and shut your face while I put on sweatpants. But you're welcome to wear some of my clothes oh wait you already are." 

Sorry, I just had some feelings on that one.

Also, I would like to point out the level of prance-age happening in that photo. And this is coming from someone who has seen Kanye West live in concert: He is every bit as douchey IRL as he seems in every type of media ever.

Aaaaand this sums it up for me. 

Thanks, creepy men's fashion designers. Thanks for letting the women have a break today. Ladyfriends, let's all feel pretty and go shopping and thank the heavens that our husbands don't wear leather skirts.

Unless they do...

... in which case... I just don't know.