Freaky Friday: Weird Fashion Inventions 2.0

Just so you know I just spent the morning cleaning out the Freaky Friday folder on my computer and it turned into a nostalgic yearbook moment. "Aww, remember that awful dress? Those shoes WERE hideous." Something like 200 pictures later and I decided it was time to do another weird fashion invention post. Because nothing says "the end of the year" like gathering up all the crap stuff that's sold via infomercials in one place.



You know I couldn't have this list without the Forever Lazy! Not only is it a glorified sleeper, but it has a butt hatch for using the bathroom AND a cool black guy wears it in the commercial. It's basically a must-have at this point. Please, feel free to wear it to Walmart without even a hint of irony.



Yessss fishnet tights attached to a shirt. Because putting on tights isn't hard enough as it is. It takes me roughly 30 minutes to maneuver myself into a pair after a shower, but yeah I definitely want to wrestle them over my arms too.

I swear, even a size 2 feels fat when trying to get into tights.


The Gizmo skirt!! Word on the street is that Lady Gaga bought one of these. I will forever associate her ladyparts with Gremlins. I mean, I think I might have already subconciously associated her ladyparts with Gremlins, but now it's for real.


Non-washable underwear. It's yellow in the front and brown in the back. I will point out that while it might not SHOW, it definitely will SMELL.

Might I introduce the Comfort Wand instead? It attaches to toilet paper to give you an additional 18 inch reach AND you can keep it in your purse. Please please please, at the very least.... use a Ziploc?


If UGGS and Crocs had a love child, this shoe would be born. And I would not come to its baby shower.


Necklace clasps are SO FRUSTRATING. It's like, just stay in the back eager beaver! Never fear, because now you can spend $15 to TAPE YOUR NECKLACE TO YOUR NECK I HAVE LOST ALL FAITH IN HUMANITY.


LED Bra! I can see it now... "You are getting sleeeeeepy. So sleeeeeeepy. You kiiiiiind of have a headaaaaaache and don't reallllllly want to dooooooooo it. You waaaaant meeeeee to reeeeeead my new boook in the bathtub insteaaaaaaaad."


K, really tooth jewelry? Is it me or do all old teeth smell like DEATH? Like, here! Have you seen my stinky molar jewelry?


The noodle eater hair cover! Why didn't I think of that? Ohhh yeah.... I don't eat my soup with my face hovered over my bowl, that's why. Also.... no one thought of a ponytail here? Really?


YAY! We're just sorority sisters, you know, hanging out in our towels. Oops! They fell open! Oh no! Better get a glorified scrunchie to hold the top inch closed! Because heaven forbid we should actually wear pants when we hang out!

I blame Aguilera.

Yeah, you do your walk of shame, pantsless wonder.

Layering 101

Hahaha I accidentally typed in the title of this post as "Laying 101." Ummm that's for another website. Sorry creeps.

Ugh, sorry about the lack of posting yesterday, amigos. It was just one of those days when it straight up wasn't gonna happen. Oh, the joys of running a blog.

Anyway, I did get some great inspiration for my post when I woke up on Saturday morning. This is what I woke up to:

Yeah, that would be a massive amount of snow in the frozen tundra where I live. Also, my mittens.

Guys, I'm not prepared for full-on winter yet. Not to mention that where I live missed the memo on SEASONS. I went from running my air conditioner full blast to running the heater full bast and right now I'm writing this with a cat blanket on my lap. Not a blanket made from cats, just a blanket decorated with cats. My mom got it for me. I don't even know.

Anyway, thanks to the sudden arrival of winter, I had all of my summer and fall clothes out and in full rotation when it hit. And I don't feel like putting them away just yet, so it's pretty much the perfect time for layering.

One of the big secrets of looking put together is dimension. See, a t-shirt and sweats can only get you so far. When you start adding pieces together, that's when you actually find your style. So instead of throwing my cute summer dress to the back of the closet, I did this:


Yes, I know these are crappy cell phone pictures. Just go with it.
I threw my summery white dress over plain tights, cable knit socks (from my Halloween costume, natch) and added a blazer and a scarf. Totally fallish and warm, and I didn't have to reorganize my closet. WIN.

I know that serious layering can be confusing. It's hard to know what goes with what and all that business. The good news is that it's pretty easy and as long as you don't go overboard, you won't look like a bag lady. Unless you want to.

Observe!

Old navy cardigan, $25
Skinny jeans, $30
Oasis, $9
De Blossom boots, $45
Bracelet, $20
Free People long necklace, $38
Zara braided belt, $15

When layering with a cute cardigan like this one, a few things give the outfot more dimension. The first is allowing your clothes to have different lengths and levels. If the cami and the sweater were the same length, you'd lose some of the awesome interest here. Another fun thing to try is a belt over the sweater. It adds another layer of style and gives your waist more shape, especially when you're wearing bulkier layers like wool, etc. Finishing it with a tall riding boot makes the look warm without looking heavy. I would love this for shopping... but not Christmas shopping because it's only Nov. 10th, but thanks anyway Toys R Us.

Striped skirt, $16
We Love Colors red hosiery, $15
Allover Lace Tube Top-TUBES-Styles for Less Clothes Womens & Juniors..., $15
Stripe socks, $9.99
Camel shoes, $50
BCBGeneration metallic handbag, $50
Wet Seal feather jewelry, $13
Target:Xhilaration® Bomber Jacket - Assorted Colors, $40

Okay, I might have a serious crush on this outfit. Tights are back in this winter, which makes me so happy because I enjoy them quite a bit. They're just super versatile and can make a piece look totally different. Take this body-con striped skirt. It looks pretty vampy on it's own, but pair it with a casual bomber and some tights and it's totally everyday material. Also, knee socks over tights make me feel warm inside. It just adds another layer of dimension and adds length to your boots so your legs look super long and you look like you know what you're doing fashion-wise. 10 points if you also used your socks to dress up as the Sun Drop girl.

Miss Selfridge cotton jacket, £30
YMI faded jeans, $30
Fergie ballerina shoes, $40
Hobo tote bag, $26
Antique silver ring, $18
Mimco bow stud earrings, £30
Polka dot scarve, $28
Belt, $28

K, you don't have to wear boots all winter. That's just me because I live on a real-life mountainside. Seriously. A deer jumped into my car while I was driving home the other night and went in the house and chewed out my husband for making us live somewhere where deer run at cars. You know where I never hit a deer? Toronto.

Anyway, I digress. Flats are fine in the winter as long as you're not traipsing through the snow. I've done it and it's not pleasant. One of the easiest ways to look layered up is with a scarf. How crazypants adorable is this? I love that it's tied with a fluffy bow. Add a blazer as another layer and you're pretty much done. Alone, these pieces are fine. You could wear them and still look put together. But when worn together you've got way more dimension and interest, which should be the whole point of layering up your clothes.

Layering helps you extend your wardrobe. All of a sudden stuff looks new when worn in different ways. I usually wear my summer dress alone with my Fryes and maybe a cardigan. Adding tights, riding boots and a blazer and it's like "OMG I hate that Jae she buys new clothes all the time." And while I DO buy new clothes all the time, that dress isn't new.

So slap on some knee socks, grab a scarf and belt your cardigan and we can be friends.

What I Wore: Pretty Sweet

I feel like I could totally host a Stepford Wives dinner party in this outfit. I mean really? Lace, pearls AND a flower? It doesn't get any more deliciously feminine than that. It was so girly that I had to drag out some serious five-inch platforms so I could make sure people knew that while I dress girly sometimes, I could still put your eye out with my shoe. And really, what more could you ask from an outfit?


Lace shell and undershirt: Local boutique
Belt and skirt: White House Black Market (LOVE!)
Shoes: Qupid
Pearls: Nordstrom
Flower: Local


Well, hello! Would you like me to bake you an apple pie? Here, I'll bring you your slippers.



Accessory closeups! I just pinned this flower right on the strand of pearls. Easy peasy. These shoes are also awesome and have a little peekaboo over the toe that makes them feel naughty. Unfortunately I wore them outside and sunk three feet into the grass. Stilettos forever!!

I don't usually dress this girly, but it was fun to play dress-up and I highly recommend it. Just don't get mad when your husband expects dinner when he comes home from work. Mine does and he's highly disappointed EVERY DAY.

Freaky Friday

Hey friends! Time to get back to usual Freaky Friday without all of the boob and thigh of last week. I know, I'm sad too.

Fun story of the day! So, when I dressed up in my Halloween costume on Monday, I decided to wear it while trick or treating on Main Street a few towns over. I figured a) no one would know me there and b) it was Halloween and I'm psychotic. Anyway, my GIANT two year old decided that his legs no longer worked after less than half of the event, so I was slogging along with my awesome friend Ashleigh and our collective kiddos when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

"Um, are you from nomoremomjeans.com?"

OMG KILL ME. Literally any time I've met a reader in public I can almost guarantee I'm wearing like, a trucker hat and camo pants, but this time I was dressed in like a complete mental patient.

It turns out it was Janelle, of the sexy house costume! I was so excited to meet her IRL because she actually won the costume and I got to tell her in person. She told me she wasn't sure that was something to be proud of because let's be honest, that costume was filthy. Anyway, she said she was sure it was me because there is no way anyone else would leave the house dressed as the Sun Drop girl. It was awesome.

So hi Janelle! Gift card is on it's way and I promise next time you see me I won't be wearing *that* much Spandex.


Maybe these instead? I feel like if you wore these pants, you'd have to have jazz hands everywhere you went.
"Hey, can I get a cherry Coke with extra ice?" *JAZZ HANDS!*
"Yes, I've noticed that Susie struggles with her reading." *JAZZ HANDS!*
"No, I don't want to try a free sample." *JAZZ HANDS*

Found by Julia on Pinterest, I call this "Ugly Sweater Refashion Fail." While I can certainly appreciate pom poms on any piece of clothing, this still leaves you with two moose on your buttcheeks and I am not OK with that.

This jacket is meant to have a shirttail detail that hangs out at the back. I don't care what anyone says, that extra fabric looks like a diaper. But you can still totally buy it for $10,000. Cloth diapers are much cheaper.

















Alyssa sent me these sequin UGGS that were suggested to her by her account on ShoeDazzle.com. She also noted that the stylist tip said to wear them with a sequined beret for "the right amount of sparkle."
Dear ShoeDazzle.com Stylist:
I don't care what anyone says. These are robot boots. I've never seen a robot wear a beret, much less a sequined one. French robot? Now I'm confused.
Love, Jae

Yes, you are seeing the world's longest torso. I'm pretty sure this woman doesn't even have a pelvis. It goes straight from abs to kneecaps.





















This basically looks like you skinned a unicorn. Not a sexy unicorn, just a garden variety-type.




YAY! Finally something to wear to Dracula's pool party. I can breathe. (Thanks Michelle!)


Sheriece sent these over. I was totally on board until I saw CAT FACE in the product title. Like, I mourn the loss of these shoes. A velvet red wedge with ankle strap? I die. Cat face on the shoes? I kill someone else.


I feel like running a marathon.


Well, I've gotta get my work done. There *might* be a half-yearly sale that I *might* need to check out. I want to try on this dress. I hate the way it's belted in the picture, but I'm thinking it could work with a thick brown belt a bit higher, worn with brown boots for fall. What do you think? Also, I'm looking for jeans and a couple casual dresses and skirts to wear with thick tights for winter. K, I just want an excuse to shop SO SUE ME.

De-scare-ifying Red Lipstick

Hey, I totally know why red lipstick gets a bad rap. It's because when ANYONE thinks about red lips EVER, it's in a Christina Aguilera way.



Sweet mother of mercy, homegirl loves red lipstick like I love an anniversary sale. And is it me, or does she kind of look like Snooki here?

Hey, I love rocking out to "Fighter" in my car as much as the next person, but Christina (because I refuse to call her X-tina) does the red lip wrong time and time again. Baby, fire your stylist ASAP. Christina's red lip is wrong for a myriad of reasons, the most obvious being it's not the right color and she's done it with bighairbiglipsbigeyesandbigboobs which is what makes the red lip veer into trannytown. And trannytown is only fun when you're up late at night and Rock Horror Picture Show is on TV.

So I get that most people have a little trepidation with wearing a red lip. I do. But I think it's a trick that all women should have in their makeup bag, so we're going to take some time to demystify and descarify the red lip.

First, color. The color red you choose is EVERYTHING. Take me, for instance. I am very fair-skinned. Because of this, a true red lip makes me look like all of the vampires in the first Twilight movie. Comically undead. So when I'm choosing a red lipstick, I know it has to have pink undertones for me not to look crazy.

You know those makeup counters you hurry past each time you run through a department store? Stop. Tell the nice makeup lady that you're looking for a red lipstick and she'll be overjoyed to help you find one. I like Sephora and the Christian Dior counters the best. You simply cannot buy something as bold as red lipstick without trying a few first. Here's some guidelines for skin tones that should help you on your quest.

If you have fair skin with pink undertones (like moi): Look for lighter reds with pink or coral undertones. You don't need to get all Aguilera-like.

If you have medium skin with golden undertones: look for truer reds with bluish undertones. They'll make your teeth look whiter and look best with more tanned, golden skin.

If you have dark skin: Look for reds with burgundy and brick-colored undertones because you can pull it off and I'm jealous.

Once you know what type of red looks best on your skin tone, you can narrow down your search to a few different shades so you don't need to try a bajillion shades.

When applying red lips, you need to be careful. If you don't apply it right, the middle part could wear away, leaving your a dark ring around your lips. I'm not a lipliner girl, but if you are, line and then fill your lips completely to give the lipstick something to stick to. I prefer a lip primer, so I slick on some of that, then add my red lip. I then blot and reapply. Finally, I add a little shine with a clear or coral lip gloss on top. The coral helps tone down the red when I want it to look less "TA-DA!"-ish. Yes, that's totally a real phrase.

I prefer a red lip with more toned down clothes and makeup. The lips are enough. Don't go all crazy and do a smoky eye and wear a bustier and no pants like SOME people I know. Seriously, I love a more casual look and light eye with red lips, because they are seriously enough on your own. Pile on the makeup and it'll look like you got into mommy's makeup bag for the first time.

AB
Exhibit A) Too much of a good thing, Queen of the Undead.
Exhibit B) Lovely and natural.

A red lip is a super glam way to change things up, so I seriously think you should give it a try. If you're still unsure, consider heading to the drug store or Wally World and picking up a few super cheap shades from whatever dollar brand makeup line you can find. They won't wear particularly well, but you'll have the chance to test drive the red before you spend a little more coin on a longer-lasting brand.

Can we all make a pact to give it a try? Let's do! Plus, when you have red lips you get to leave all sorts of cute smacky prints all over your husband's face like you're in a Looney Tunes cartoon.



Mwah!

Kisses,
Jae

What I Wore: Happy Halloween! I am so embarrassing.

Ready to see me make a huge fool of myself!?

Happy Halloween my awesome friends!!





If you have no idea what I'm supposed to be, click here to watch what might be the most epic commercial of ALL TIME.

I watched it like five times this morning to make sure I had it right. My two year old walked into the room while it was on and said "Mom! It wooks just wike you!" And then wanted to watch it endlessly, convinced that I was on the computer.

And while the real Sun Drop girl CLEARLY STOLE MY MOVES, I am said to report I'm not actually in the commercial. I LOLed hard when going through these pictures. I am a joke.

See... you don't have to dress like a sexy desk or whatever it is to be super awesome on Halloween. Can't wait to rock this for Trick or Treating... although I might need to keep the commercial loaded on my iPhone at all times in case it's too obscure.

If you're still looking for a costume idea, might I suggest this? Seriously, I bow down.

Alright, fess up. Are you dressing up and what are you going to be?

Jae Tests the Trend: Colored Skinnies

Let me explain my thought process for buying my red skinnies.
1) "I really want some red pants. They are super cool."
2) "Am I too old for this?"
3) "Let me Google some pictures of people wearing red pants. Crap, they're all young celebrities."
4) "I should take a consensus on my Facebook page."
5) "OMG, they are all saying yes... maybe not so ridiculous?"
6) "I should just go look. To the store!"
7) "ZZZZZZZOMG these are amazing how did I ever live without them."

Seriously, these skinnies own my soul. Still, they're red for a reason. It's the closest color to a neutral that I could get. Their shape is perfect and they have an ideal length. If these were seafoam green and flared, I'd look like a psychopath.

Testing this trend made me think about looking trendy and fashionable in general. Probably the thing I hear the most when shopping with friends or recommending clothes to people is "I couldn't pull that off." It's also probably the phrase that annoys me the most. To me, it represents close-mindedness. Because most often, when I hear that phrase, it means you're not even going to try. And not trying is what lands you in yoga pants day after day.

Trends are tricky territory, especially after you've had a couple of kids and you're not ACTUALLY going to be 21 forever. It can be hard to decipher which trends are right for you and which ones should be left to the young, hip and childless set.

Still, there's no reason you shouldn't at least give it a shot. The trick to deciphering trends is to know your tastes and your body shape. I can usually look at a trend in the magazine and know right of the bat if it's something that will flatter me. For instance, trench coats - yes! Capes - no. I need definition around the waist, not at the shoulders.

That being said, there's not a lot in the world of trends that I won't try at least once. Usually it's just a matter of five minutes in a fitting room to decide whether or not a trend is for me. Whether it's peacock feathers, granny boots, dolman sleeves, jeggings or wide leg trousers, they've all had their moments for better or for worse.

I think what you really need to remember is that not everything is going to work on your body. But since you're probably alone in the fitting room, THAT'S OK. You don't have to have the body of a model to try something new. If you hate it, you only need to hand it back to whoever is working the fitting room and leave the store. That's it. No commitment whatsoever. You can handle that, right?

So if you see something in a magazine, on another woman or on a mannequin that you'd love to try, you literally have nothing to lose to give it a shot. If it looks great, hello confidence booster! If not, whatevs... on to the next.

Once you find things that work for your body type and that you love, look for ways to make them more "you." That's the true difference between someone who knows fashion and someone who is just a big fat trend whore. Anyone can buy expensive clothes that are "in," but you don't want to look like you just purchased a mannequin. Instead, find ways to work a new piece into outfits that you typically wear and all of a sudden, you're totally pulling it off. Take my red jeans for example. If I paired them with a graphic tee or something, the look wouldn't be me because that's not how I usually dress. Instead, I reached for a plain tee and my trusty leather jacket, which is practically my signature piece. Now I'm wearing a trend... the trend isn't wearing me.

Now, with that in mind, it doesn't mean you have to give every single trend a shot. I know there are some trends that I know likely won't look great on me and that I never even consider. Not that I can't "pull it off" (whatever the heck that means) I just know they won't be flattering. Like booties, for instance. I prefer a more streamlined look to the leg and I don't like the way they break up the calf. I have never been intrigued by them. But if I see a trend and like the way it looks, why wouldn't I give it a shot?

I just want you to know that perfect body, flawed body, pear-shape, apple-shape, you CAN participate in trends as long as you find ways to make them work for you. That could mean you reach for a graphic scarf instead of a flashy tee or participate in the feather trend by wearing earrings. You can totally embrace more color with a neon belt or printed shoes. Whatever the case, you don't need a complete wardrobe overhaul to look fashionable. Just a couple of key pieces each season and a super open mind.

Or me as a shopping partner. I'm super pushy and kind of mean won't take no for an answer.