Attack of the Mom Bum!

I'd be lying if I said I didn't get the inspiration for this post while at the pool. So thank you, ill-fitting swimsuit wearers of the world!

I always say I'd like to write a book for what REALLY to expect after your pregnancies. Like, after all of the baby care business and all that, I'd like to write something that had two chapters dedicated to the following subjects:

1) Your bum will never look the same.

2) Trampolines will make you pee.

Instant bestseller right?

But seriously, what is it about pregnancy that is a total bum ruiner? It's like you lose all this baby weight and are rewarded with a pancake for a butt. It's depressing and droopy and it makes me sad. While I can't do anything about the state of your actual butt, I do know how to make it look perky and young in a really good pair of jeans.

On the bright side, a pancake bum is usually skinny and it means you've done an awesome job at losing the baby weight and you should be proud of that. So definitely look for clothes that show off your awesomeness and makes Sir Mix-a-Lot swoon. Speaking of which, did I ever tell you about the time I was grooving to Baby Got Back at full blast and my father in law came down to talk to me about something? I couldn't concentrate on what he was saying because I was trying to detract from hearing all about Sir Mix-a-Lot's anaconda. It was embarrassing.

ANYWAY, I'll give you some ideas on how to fight the evil attack of the mom bum!

Jane Norman bohemian style top, £30
Old navy, $40
Not Rated beach sandals, $50
Clutch bag, $25
Zara feather jewelry, $9.90

Trousers are the BEST when your bum lacks overall volume and shape. The fact that they're a bit higher waisted gives you the illusion of a rounder bum. Low rise jeans are not your friend and also, you're not 16. Trousers also hug your bum and then usually fall straight to the ground, so you see the best part and everything is camouflaged. YAY! Look for tab pockets that sit higher in the tush to detract from a lengthy bum. I bet you never thought you'd be worrying about your lengthy bum, but there it is. Also, adding definition at the waist and then wearing a shirt that offers a little coverage makes everything look super balanced. Plus, I love the 70s and wish I could dress like Farrah Fawcett every day. You can too!

Black top, $23
Shirt top, $15
Linen skirt, £18
Betsey Johnson crystal earrings, $35
Waist belt, £15
Canvas bow jute wedge, $30

When wearing skirts and dresses, a-line is your friends. While I totally have no problem with anyone wearing a great pencil skirt, you might be self-conscious about putting so much of the goods on display. If you want to try a pencil skirt, I recommend doing one with a cardigan for some coverage. Otherwise, a supercute flirty a-line floats away from the body, making your waist look teensy and your butt less of the main event and more of a supporting factor. Awesome if you're looking for more modesty.

Rue21, $30
Hollister co, $50
Old navy shoes, $3.50
Satchel bag, $45
Beading necklace, $15

The pockets on your jeans are going to make a huge difference in how your butt looks in pants. Always, always, always look at your butt when trying jeans on. Always look for pockets that are in proportion with the caboose. Tiny pockets are going to look ridiculous on this large, flat expanse of fabric. If you really want to get extra credit, look for flap pockets or rhinestones to round out the back a little more fully. These jeans are especially helpful because of the fading. They'll make everything look perkier, but BE CAREFUL. Too much fading can be trashy and gross. I want this outfit immediately.

Now this is where I should wax poetic about how my kids have changed my body and how they were worth everything but sometimes it's like THANKS A LOT, GO TO BED. While I'm big on self-love, I'm also big on recognizing flaws and knowing how to dress them so yo feel more confident. Mom bum doesn't have to be a life sentence. Some cute jeans and you'll have a moneymaker that makes you look like, one of those rap guys girlfriends.

Even white boys have to shout.

Cardio Vs. Strength Training

Is one better than the other: Cardio vs. strength training?

More than likely, you know people who are nuts about cardiovascular exercise. They love running on the treadmill and riding the stationary bikes. Lifting weight? No thanks. And if you know many people, you likely know a few weight lifting folks who would rather be stranded on a desert island than have to spend time doing cardio.

But not you. You're wise to the ways of overall good health. You know the benefits that are offered through a well-rounded exercise routine that incorporates cardiovascular exercise as well as strength training. You're just unsure how much to get of each and when each is appropriate.
That's about to change.

Understanding Your Body

Before going any further in this article, there is something you should know. Everything from this point forward requires you to know what is best for your body. To have this knowledge, you need to spend time in the gym, trying out different routines and intensities to have an idea of how your body responds to certain exercises and how well you like certain exercises. If you're already armed with this knowledge of your body, you are clear to continue reading.

If you train hard, you'll not only be hard. You'll be hard to beat. - Herschel Walker

Order of Operations

One of the biggest questions about strength training and cardiovascular exercise is which should go first in a routine. Ask certain people, and you'll learn that getting your cardio in upfront helps you burn more calories during your strength training. Ask others, and you'll hear the exact opposite. And ask a few others, and they'll say you'll burn the same amount of calories regardless.

While there is no consensus on which should go first, you need to make sure you get in strength training and cardiovascular exercise on a regular basis. And to make sure you don't suffer injury during either, spend a few minutes warming up and stretching before each. Warming up is as simple as jogging lightly or performing a few repetitions lifting very light weights. Once the warm-up is over, gently stretch the muscles you plan to work out during your routine.

Separate But Equal

While some advocate performing cardio and strength training in the same routine, others claim separating them is the secret to health and strength. With this, you're not stuck trying to figure out whether to go with cardio or strength training first or last. Rather, you do nothing but strength training on one day, while you save the cardio for another day. The upside to this is being able to focus all your energies to one pursuit each day. The downside? If you really only like strength training or cardiovascular exercises, spending an entire workout doing what you don't prefer can seem like torture, and you may wind up skipping those days that are filled with exercises you don't care for.

Intensity Defined

Once you figure out when you are going to lift weights and when you're going to head to aerobics class, you're still stuck with a question: How hard do you work out? A question that can be exceptionally difficult to answer and depends largely on your goals and how you go about your routine.

Doing both cardio and strength training on the same day? You'll want to push yourself on whatever you choose to do first, but don't push so hard that you won't be able to push yourself during the second half of your routine. This may mean you give 80 to 90 percent in your first half so you'll have the energy to give about that much during the second half.

Planning to split up your cardio and weight lifting on different days? Then you give yourself the opportunity to push your body to its full abilities on both. Choose this path and go ahead and push yourself as hard as you can. With a good night's rest, you should be ready for the next day's routine.

Committed to your fitness success,

Kelly Parker

www.bestfitbodybootcamp.com

Freaky Friday: The WTH Files

In my quest to make fun of stuff of a daily basis, I usually come across things that aren't so much funny as they cause me to gasp audibly or shake my head. My favorite part is that not only did someone actually create these monstrosities, but actually attempted to try and get people to PAY MONEY for them. Oh, poor weird product creators. Instead, you're sentenced to a life of being ridiculed by fashion bloggers until the end of time.



Plastic cowboy rainboots. When you want a little more flair for shoveling poop out of stalls. Don't worry, at least the horses will be SUPER impressed.



The swimsuit hoodie. If I had a nickle for every time my legs, arms, butt and chest are warm but my head was freezing, I'd probably get a job.



This could be the most idiotic thing I've ever seen. So they're gloves... with "Yes" and "No" written on them so you can use hand signals to talk to your friends. Problem is, you probably don't have any if you're wearing these. Because your friends would have all gotten tired of the fact that NODDING was too difficult for you.



Couple things here: When would you ever walk around with this on your face? Also, I believe Mario was Italian. This is awkward.

Also, I might have a Princess Peach shirt because I'm a Nintendo nerd. Contemplating cutting holes in it so I can wear it over my face.


Oh, hey Crocs. Thanks for ruining anything remotely cool, like feet or the iPhone. If I was Apple, I'd sue for defamation.



Hey! Turn your hand into baby's favorite toy! And never have a life! Just stand there with your hand out while your baby uses you as a play thing! Then, go into a deep depression! YAY!

Waitaminute! Are you telling me I can wear JUST the bacon, JUST the eggs, or THE BACON AND THE EGGS TOGETHER? Two points for innovation, plastic earring makers of the world!

Also, where were these on my anniversary? Rawr!


So one of my brothers spends a lot of time in Japan and loves him some toe socks to wear with his sandals. But this is just lazy. Are real flip flops really that much of a hassle? Also, why are all the toenails painted? Sexist socks!


If a guy came up to me wearing this jacket, I wouldn't hesitate to find the "Esc" button. HAHAHA I kill me.


Does anyone feel a draft? Or just wildly awkward and uncomfortable?


Cigarette socks. Toe ash - it's so hot right now.



This shoe has a ponytail. It looks like Madonna and it haunts my dreams at night. IT HAS HAIR.

Haaaaaaaaair.



Also, a reader sent me this link the other day, for Brants - Bra/Pants. Oh how I wish it were real so I could buy them as gag gifts for all of my friends. Super freakin' hilarious, actually. I love submissions, so drop me a line or post on my fan page if you find something totally WTF-worthy!

Happy weekend, friends!

Birthday Love!

I'm actually not one of those people who is all "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY BOW DOWN." In fact, my husband and I were married on my birthday, so it's also my anniversary. And everyone thought I was crazy but it doesn't bother me much. Plus I got to have birthday cake at my wedding. It was awesome. But, since it WAS my birthday yesterday, I shall report and show you what I got. Because I like doing that.

Since it was my birthday slash anniversary, my hubs planned to take a half day off, so we hauled the kids to Tucanos to eat ourselves into oblivion. You must know that on my top 10 list of things I hate the most in the entire universe is having Happy Birthday sung to me. I feel SO awkward and I never know what to do with my hands and I just hate it. So when the Tucanos people came out banging the drum and shaking the tambourine, I was happy to know that no one knew it was my birthday. UNTIL one of the waitresses walked over and asked if anyone was celebrating a birthday. I must have answered too quickly with "No," because she then asked, "Are you lying?" to which I replied "Yes." KILL ME. So they handed over a tambourine and I was supposed to play along. Instead I just looked around awkwardly and handed the instrument to my son who was infinitely more entertaining and less self conscious.

After that, I took my daughter along to get a pedicure, which I needed in the worst way. Note to all of the ladies, NEVER allow your husband to be nearby during the payment portion of the pedicure. Mine had taken our son to wander around while we had our nails done and came back to pay. He then had a heart attack and had to be rushed to the hospital. No, not really. But almost. He also loved the fact that it took me approximately 30 seconds after leaving the nail salon. Classic Jae.

We headed home, where my hubster handed over the goods!



Check out my new white gold diamond key pendant, y'all! I'm so happy with it. My husband ALWAYS expresses concern over the fact that he usually gives me jewelry for most special occasions, like I'm not going to like it or something? Yeah, diamond-encrusted necklaces are THE WORST. Ugh, I just hate pretty things.

Seriously.

So after assuring him I liked it and taking pictures of it so you could see (hello, boobs!) I also got an anniversary (or was it a birthday?) gift, which was a pound of this stuff. Clearly he has no idea how little will power I have and how fast I will eat it ALL. It's my favorite treat in the world. I also got a couple shirts and a new book. Another perk of having your anniversary and birthday on the same day? "Sorry we had to combine them" presents. You know what I gave him? A new pillow. I wish I could say it was for friskiness, but it was really just that his old pillow made his neck hurt. We've been married for eight years and are getting old and frail.

Then, SOMEHOW I convinced him to take me to see Monte Carlo that night. Can I point out he was the only male in the entire theater? And that we knew someone there? Embarrassing! But I cannot abstain from my 16 year old girl romcoms! I just love them too much. BTW, Monte Carlo was AWESOME... for high school sophomores.

So, I'm another year older, which is OK because I never remember my age anyway. I don't understand the concept of lying about your age. Maybe I'll change my mind when I'm like, 70, but I hope I'm one of those spry, feisty 70 year olds who like, swim a mile a day and carry their own groceries and catcall at 60 year old men.

Ohpleaseohpleaseohplease!

Also, I'm happy to announce that I reaped enough in awesome birthday money to purchase my beloved glitter TOMS! My husband refused to buy them for me yesterday because he thinks they aren't sensible. Yeah, because my entire shoe collection is soooo sensible.

Men.

Freaky Friday: Bad Shoes, Bad Celebs

Another week down! Don't you love four-day work weeks? They make me pass out with happiness. Also, Tuesday is my b to the irthday and I'm pretty excited to go buy myself some shoes or something. Have you seen the new plum glitter TOMS? I DIE. They must be mine. It just so happens that the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale coincides with my birthday every year. It's like the fashion gods KNEW!

Anyway, lets kick the weekend off with some bad shoes and bad celebs!



Ahahaha I see what you did there. Clever and a bit unhygienic, bravo!


So Heidi Klum is a) wearing the latest monstrosity she had to pretend to like on Project Runway, or b) moonlighting as a car mechanic on the weekends. I hope it's b because my car needs an oil change and manly car mechanics intimidate me.


Is it weird that when I first saw these shoes I wondered what the back must look like? Are they anatomically correct? I JUST WONDERED!


Oh Kim...Kim Kim Kimmy Kim WHY do you do this to your body? And who was shopping with you when you bought this and told you it looked OK? I would have been truthful, Kim. You can count on me. I would have told you right away it makes you look like a leathery cougar without feet, I swear I would have.


Miley Cyrus is turning into such a delicate flower of a lady, isn't she?


I think we could all use a lesson on "How to Make Completely Thin Women Look Like They've Gained 10 lbs of Calves Only." The subject matter would be these shoes. Only these shoes.



These look like what someone in the 70s would have thought furniture in 2012 would look like. Also, there would be hovercrafts. There's ALWAYS hovercrafts.


Quite possible the WORST DRESS EVER. Also, when you're on a red carpet, I feel like you should remove your sunglasses from your head. It's like her top half is running to the drugstore for PMS medicine and her bottom half is attending my grade 8 graduation in 1998.


These shorts make me sad for Rihanna's crotch. It is heartbreaking what she's doing to it.


J. Lo has not figured out that there IS such a thing as too much of a good thing. Like snakeskin print, for example. Or short skirts. Or sassy Latina facial expressions.

Every time I see a picture of her it's like she's saying "Que?"



K, we get it. You win. You win for frumpiest person who cares the least about fashion in Hollywood. Now can you stop dressing like a 14th century monk?

Alright, I'm going to go peruse catalogs and pick out pretty things that I'll badger my husband into buying to prove his love for me. YAY. Happy weekend!

Summer Maternity Awesomeness

Fun fact time! I'm always pregnant at the same time as Britney Spears. How weird is that? I remember PRAYING during my first pregnancy that Britney Spears would have a boy because she said in an interview that if she had a girl, she'd name her Addison. I refused to have a daughter with the same name as Britney Spears' kid. Luckily, a boy was born and my child's name was saved. Is that vain?

Anyway, it was so fun to watch to see what koo koo kachoo outfits she would come up with. She is a crazy dresser y'all! I want you to look at the two pictures above. Think: would I rather spend my pregnancy looking like uber-adorable and happy Selma Blair, or wedgie-picking, cigarette smoking Britney Spears?

THINK HARD.

I know it's the summer and you're hot and super uncomfortable and basically just want to lay around in your undies all day, but eventually, you're going to have to leave the house in all your preggo glory. Luckily, I can help you with that, despite it having been two years since my last (LAST) pregnancy. You'll note that all of the outfits pictures are dresses or skirts. They are SO much cooler in the summer when you're a bajillion degrees. Shorts and pants are fine, but I know when I got to the end I was like NOTHING CAN TOUCH ME EVER and I eschewed anything with more fabric than absolutely necessary.

Mama licious maternity, £21
Old Navy denim maternity, $33
Wet Seal flip flop shoes, $7.99
Peace bag, $23
TopShop beading earrings, $20


When choosing shirts, look for ones that don't require layering. Besides the fact it'll just make you hotter, there's too much adjusting needed when you move around. Looser, lighter fabrics are king and super flattering because they don't give you sausage arms. Down with sausage arms! And flip flops are your friends when you're retaining fluid. Now, you'll notice that these are decidedly NOT capris. That's because a skirt will be cooler and not showcase pregnancy cankles. Lovely!

Short sleeve cardigan, $7.99
Maternity, £25
Forever21 flat thong sandals, $19
Ruffle bag, $15
Amrita Singh metal bracelet, $40
Belle Noel by Kim Kardashian hoop earrings, $49

Maxi dresses own my heart for pregnancy. They are mucho adorable and so easy because it's one piece. I know you can handle one piece. They are practically pajamas. Go ahead, have a nap in one. It's great. If you're self conscious about pregnancy arms, totally wear a drapey sweater if you can handle it in the heat. I also noticed that when I was preggo I liked to keep my chest bare and wear earrings and bracelets instead. That may be because I had awesome pregnancy boobs and wanted everyone to see, but it also had something to do with the fact that necklaces made me sweaty.

Isabella oliver maternity, $81
ALDO t strap sandals, $45
Dorothy Perkins clutch bag, £10
Pearl jewelry, $11
Calla freshwater pearl jewelry, $25

No matter what, some jerk friend always wants to get married right when I'm massively pregnant. Like, hello, gestating a fetus here... can we wait? Just kidding, I didn't expect people to plan around my gargantuan-ness, but it was always hard to find something cute for a formal occasion. For dressing up, I like an outfit that shows the belly, otherwise I think people must just think I'm fat. This dress is so cute. If you can handle heels, by all means, but this would be just as cute with ballet flats. Note that the heels are substantial.. don't teeter around on stilettos when massively pregnant, please. It's disconcerting. Dress up, eat the food and waddle out the door before your ankles swell.

Does that give you hope for the last few months of summer pregnancy? Definitely hang out in your undies as much as you want... but put something cute on before you leave the house lest you startle the neighbors!

You Can Burn More Calories

To maintain a

healthy weight, you've got to burn calories. Sometimes, though, it seems that you just can't burn enough in the time you have to spend exercising. Wish you could make better use of the time y

ou have working out to burn all the calories you can? No problem. With these tips, you'll burn more calories than ever!

Hit the water running!

Okay you know now that water makes you weigh less, and it allows you to work out even if you have painful arthritis. But did you know that water is also one of the best ways to burn calories? Simply get in the water and jog around the shallow end. Unlike your leisurely jogs in the park, a run in the water provides extra resistance that makes it much harder to run with ease. The end result? Maximum calorie loss without all the sweating!

Go to the Beach

As with water running, taking a jog or run on the beach forces your body to work harder than if you were on a treadmill or sidewalk. The shifting ground under your feet also helps strengthen your core. So you burn more calories and build more muscle, all while enjoying the beautiful beach.

Enter the Racquetball Court

How many exercises do you know of that can burn as many as 400 calories in half an hour? Yes, an intense game of racquetball can indeed get rid of that many calories. Full of sprints, direction changing, and an occasional volley that seems to last forever, racquetball is your best bet for small-court calorie burning.

"If only calories burned as easily as toast" - Unknown

Hop on the Bike

Want to burn as many calories as racquetball without having to stand up? Then it's time to climb on a bicycle. Whether you go for a ride in the great outdoors or go with a stationary bike, a hard ride can reap the same calorie-burning benefits as racquetball. If you really push it, you can even burn more calories than your racquetball-loving friends.

Get Started Early

Wish there was a way to burn calories all day long? There is. All you have to do is squeeze your routine in before heading off to work. Sound impossible? Do a quick evaluation of your routine. What keeps you from early exercise? If it's too hard to wake up early, turn off the television an hour earlier and go to bed so you can wake up earlier. Don't have someone to watch the kids in the morning? Do a light workout in your living room in the morning and get to the gym in the afternoon. Even a small workout will get your heart pumping and help you burn calories throughout your day.

Always Start Warm

No matter what you plan to do in the gym, you'll work harder and longer after a brief warm up. So instead of starting out with dumbbells in your hands, hop on a treadmill or stationary bike to get the sweat flowing. After a brief jog or bike ride, your heart will be working well, and your muscles will be warm and full of blood, ready to take on whatever you throw its way.

Do the Little Things

Big burning doesn't always come in big packages. During your daily routine, you can take little steps that add up to burned calories. Don't take the closest parking place, take the stairs, walk to your coworker's office instead of calling him or her, and play air drums or air guitar to your favorite songs. Along with the other exercise-centric steps, these will give you even more calorie-burning power on a daily basis.

Committed to your fitness success,

Kelly Parker

www.fitmommakeover.net