Freaky Friday: Fun with Keywords

Hey guys!

So, it was my birthaversary yesterday (I was married on my birthday which freaks people out) and I had so much fun. First, my hubs and I went to a wedding at the same place we were married a gajillion years (read: nine) ago. It was awesome.


Seriously, we look like baby fetuses in this picture. SO YOUNG. I love this picture. It's just happy.

Then we headed home and were sans kids for a bit so we did prezzies. I love to wakeboard and my husband had accidentally dropped my fins (the dealies that go on the bottom) in Lake Powell last year so I've been boarding sans fins. So when he handed me a packet of fins I was like wow, easy there romantic. Replacement fins for our old wakeboard. But he had actually gotten me my own wakeboard fit for my weight and height instead of his. I am SO excited to give it a shot. Of course, it's supposed to rain all weekend. Curse you watersports gods!!


Also, I bought this dress on Monday to specifically wear on my birthday and was overjoyed to find that it matched my wakeboard. Meant to be. Alas, I will wait until next week to get on the water.

He also bought me a pair of new workout shoes that I needed badly and a couple of other pairs (what? he knows the way to my heart) We ate out and got cake and it was lovely. See? I actually like having my anniversary on my birthday. My poor hubs feels like he totally has to make it the best day ever and I get spoiled.

Anyway, it was awesome and I'm feeling very relaxed for the weekend. So let's do some Fun with Keywords, shall we? If you're new to the blog, Fun with Keywords is when I find the search queries used to find my site for some freakiness. You would be surprised at what the heck people come up with to find me. Hey, I don't judge!

Baahahaha we all know that's a lie.

"Jim Halpert's chest."

Um, has Jim ever gone topless on "The Office?"

Apparently, he has. Now my search history is peppered with "Shirtless Jim Halpert" queries and I feel weird.

Also, he is hairier than I would have guessed. What an educational blog I have!

"How to stop dressing like a 12 year old and start dressing like I'm 20." (Yes, someone searched this.)

Ooh, I'm sorry, this is How Not to Dress Like a Mom. You're looking for How Not to Dress Like a Toddler.

"Lady Gaga makeup tips."

My best tip? Don't.

"Awful infomercial clothing."

Oh, there is TOO much:
How about the Wearable Towel?
The Collar Card?
Our favorite Pajama Jeans?
The Booty Pop?
MUSIC VEST (Elegant and versatile!)
All so good.

"How do people dress for weddins?"

Oh, dressing for weddin's is WAY different than dressing for weddings. I mean, is there going to be a mechanical bull and a hoedown? If so, you'll probably wanna git somethin' fancy, like ironed Wranglers and that belt buckle you got at the saddle shop.

Or this.

'Merica.


"Amish urinal cakes."

I don't even....
no comment.

"Cool clothes for a 40-year-old hipster."

Dude. You are officially too old to be a hipster. You're the kind of person who makes hipsters mad. Here they are, trying to be all urban and cool and then all of a sudden you're like "Oh I actually listened to record players when they were legitimately the only choice. "

Not cool man. Not cool.

"Clogs and capris."

Leave my blog immediately.

"Cute fashion lines for when you're 8?"

First of all, you're too young to be on a computer, so go have a time out. Secondly, uh... Garanimals?


Alright, I have work to get back to and a long day of admiring my new shoes planned, so I'm out. Happy Friday lovelies!

Summer Dresses on a Budget

If it seems like I've been wearing dresses and skirts a lot, it's probably because I've been wearing dresses and skirts lot. Temps are in the triple digits here and I find pants and shorts generally insufferable, so out come the dresses! If you're still shying away from dresses, I can't see why: They're one piece, super easy, and the fastest way to look put together.

Need more reasons? Check out some of these awesome summer dresses and ideas. I did my best to keep the prices under $50 and find places that'll ship to the U.S. My apologies to your husband and your bank account.

Nautical Dresses:

A|Wear nautical dress, $49 / Dorothy Perkins cotton dress, $23 / Joules nautical dress, $46 / A|Wear mini dress, $38 / Mango dress, $26 / Platform wedge / Qupid ankle wrap sandals / Qupid Finder 69 Red Velvet Sculpted Peep Toe Platform Wedges

Nautical is SO summer. Navy, red, and white with graphic prints like stripes or dots is the fastest way to achieve it. Grab one of these and throw around words like "starboard" for no apparent reason. Extra points if you wear gold jewelry and constantly refer to your husband as "first mate."

Cocktail Dresses:

Wallis animal print dress / Dorothy Perkins floral print dress, $46 / Dorothy Perkins dress, $46 / Dorothy Perkins grey dress, $47 / Wallis black cocktail dress / Platform heels / Peep toe shoes / Wet Seal platform shoes / Charlotte Russe high heel pumps / Michael Antonio shoes

So, if you have an evening wedding to attend during the summer, the trick to hot
weather cocktail dresses is to wear fewer accessories.
Honestly, a good cocktail dress is kind of like an accessory itself.
Look for details; lace, patterns and texture all count.
Then, add some crazy awesome shoes and you're pretty much done.

Maxi Dresses:

Ruffle neck dress / Dorothy Perkins twist dress, $26 / V neck dress, $23 / Knit maxi dress / Short cardigan / Calvin Klein Underwear draped top / Carly Knit Maxi Dress - Extended Length / Ankle tie wedge / Charlotte Russe strappy wedge / Zara wedge heel shoes / Platform wedge / Promise Shoes black wedge heels

If you didn't notice, maxi dresses are kind of a summer staple for me.
It's like wearing pajamas to WalMart only more socially acceptable. The gold standard
for maxi dresses are wedges, but they're totally cute with flat strappy
sandals too. I bought an adorable maxi to wear tomorrow and I'm excited
in a nerdy fashion kinda way. I also like having some maxi dresses
that I can wear alone and some that look better with layers. YAY SUMMER.

Casual Dresses:

A|Wear cap sleeve dress, $16 / Wrap dress / H&M dress, $31 / A|Wear lace cocktail dress, $47 / Dorothy Perkins cotton dress, $34 / H&M dress, $39 / Wallis print dress / Military dress / Suede boots / A|X Armani Exchange leather sandals / Oasis leopard loafer, $37 / TOMS flat / Michael Antonio gold sandals / N.Y.L.A. wedge heels / Beige shoes / Charlotte Russe glitter flat

What do I wear when grocery shopping, checking out the farmer's mark,
or ignoring my children while they play at the park?
Why, casual dresses of course ! I find them to be way cooler than shorts and hello!?
They're totally adorable. Wear 'em with flats, sandals, and boots...
TOMS too if you can handle it and don't hate them.
(I heart mine, so there you go.)

Peplum Dresses:

Dorothy Perkins peplum dress, $23 / Dorothy Perkins peplum dress, $39 / Dorothy Perkins peplum dress, $47 / Platform heels / Platform shoes / Restricted high heels / Forever 21 beaded clutch / Clutch handbag / Clutch handbag

Peplum dresses are SO summer for two reasons.
1) It's just fun to say "peplum." Try it right now! I wasn't lying.
2) It's a fun change from the same old dresses.
Super ladylike, I love them for formal stuff and business. Add a cardi to dress one down.
How do you make sure your peplum is modern and not scary 80s?
Look for more demure peplum. A bow or just a halfsie peplum feature is more 2012 than an entire Madonna-esque half skirt from your senior prom.

In short, I'm saying that dresses are awesome for summer and
you should wear them constantly.

Which one's your fave? Are you a dress wearer or do you fear that moment
when you wear a dress somewhere outside of church and someone is
like "Why are you all dressed up?" Ugh, so annoying.

Rut-Busting with Revlon

This post brought to you by Revlon. All opinions are 100% mine.

When Revlon asked me to be part of their Revlon Expression Experiment, I was all-in. You guys know that I'm a complete sucker for makeup, but I'll be the first to admit that I totally get stuck in a rut every so often. You know the drill; there's a kid hanging off of your pantleg, you're late for swimming lessons, you just finished a workout, and then you have like 3.2 seconds to grab your mascara and go. That's why I've always tended to stick with the same stuff: I know it works, and I use it. End of story.

But Revlon sent me a ton of new products to try, and it totally forced me out of my comfort zone and out of my year-old makeup rut and I'm super excited about it!

Because I'm timid like that, I hit the nail polish first. Nail polish I can handle. Especially when it goes on my toes. I slicked it on for an afternoon on the boat and caught myself staring at my toes for roughly 60 percent of the time. Therefore, I officially declared it the new nail polish color of summer: ColorStay Longwear Nail Enamel in Marmalade = Love!

When I got my Expression kit, I saw the eyeshadow palettes and immediately went into "Whatchu talkin' bout Willis" mode. The first one I grabbed was a collection called "Inspired" and it features turquoise, chartreuse, beige, and navy. YEAH. I couldn't remember the last time I rocked the blue eyeshadow.

But now, I'm kind of obsessed. I always thought that I shouldn't wear blues because y eyes are blue and it washed them out, but it ended up being the perfect bright eye for summer. Observe, my friends!

Yup, I'm a fan.

Here's the thing. I did an ombre look, which would normally be torturous on me because I have super-deep eyelid creases and all eyeshadow ends up hanging out there like its the watercooler or something. Luckily, Revlon also sent me this life-changing PhotoReady Eye Brightener+Primer.

I bow down! Notice how bright and non-tired my eyes are, despite the fact that I spent the weekend sleeping outside? I'm in love.

Want a quick tutorial?

OK. so I primed first, and then I dabbed more into the corner of my eyes to banish darkness and make me look 10X more well-rested than I really was. I used the green color over my tear ducts, the beige on my brow bone, the turquoise in the middle, and then I used a smoky brush to add navy to the outer corners. The entire thing took like, a minute. Then, I skipped the eyeliner completely and went straight for a coat of mascara.

Take that, makeup rut! This look is totally in my new rotation and it's replacing my usual smoky eye for the summer months.

Another way that I spiced up my routine was with a red lip. Now, I usually reserve the red lip for major occasions, because it can be a little high maintenance what with the lining and the reapplying. Which is why I was overjoyed to see that I'd also received ColorBurst Lip Butter in Cheryr Tart, which might be the most perfect red ever known to man.

Drooooool. It's like this lipstick lip balm hybrid that I've reviewed before. I love it because it's really low key and has a little bit of sheerness to it.

It's like, girl next door red instead of like, drag queen Miss Piggy red. It's so easy to just wear while running errands and it finishes a face super fast. You could also totally use it to amp up a brighter red lip. I also slicked it over my red lipstick and it made it shinier and easy to wear because it wasn't all dried out and icky. Win!

So yeah, I'm totally all over this Experiment. It gave me a chance to play with colors that I probably wouldn't have picked up by myself. And yeah, I totally went to the grocery store all dolled up in my effort to bust a rut. And it was the foxiest trip to the grocery store EVER.

Seriously, it doesn't take any extra time and it might just shift your outlook a tad.

So what do you say? Are you a tried, tested, and true kinda gal or do you love to switch up your look?

I mean really... turquoise eyeshadow? Who knew?

Freaky Friday: Swimwear

Ha! You guys, I woke up to this picture in my email. It's my youngest brother Dallin, noting that despite we live thousands of miles away from each other (Dallin lives in England, where he's completing his LDS mission next month) we still are the same person. This makes me laugh TOO hard. I call Dallin my mini-me, but he's actually like three feet taller than me for reals.

OK! onto the freakiness. I was looking through my files and realized that it's a month into a summer and I Haven't even made fun of swimsuits yet. Yes, I keep multiple Freaky Friday files on my computer. It's embarrassing, but I'm an organized blogger, OK?



Oh, so that's what I forgot at the beach! My overalls!



Fastest way to inspire hatred in Jae: Wear Ed Hardy at the beach and then dress up your dog the same way. Actually, that's the second fastest way.

The first is be Lady Gaga.


Ultimate hipster swimwear: It's so vintage, it's Renaissance

Please cue the angry emails in which an angry hipster informs me that this picture is not actually Renaissance but Neoclassicism and then I shoot myself. Happens. Every. Time.



Ohhhh the tan lines. DO NOT WANT! Not to mention the fact that you'd have to be a size 00000 to pull this off. Consider the squidge factor, people!


You could knit this yourself, but why would you?

Also: Underboob.


This monstrosity is by Armani and is sold out and also I hate everything. I'm sweating just looking at this. And then sand sticks to sweat and gets matted in your fur and then it's just embarrassing.


Why not head to the beach looking like Mad Max?

OMG, I have a swimsuit with a big metal ring in the top and it looks cute but the thing feels like molten lava in the sun. Whose idea was that?


This 100 percent looks like something that a Project Runway contestant pulled off with some sailing canvas, three straws, a shoelace and a "make it work" attitude.


Hey, model: Wanna join the Sandwich Club? Initiation is that you have to eat a sandwich. You go first.



I guess it could be worse... it could be men's swimwear.



Come on, that's gotta be enough to make you feel pretty awesome in your tankini, right?

The 10 Commandments of Belting

Hey friends! Did everyone have an awesome Canada Day/4th of July? We went fishing and by fishing I mean my husband and kids played around with worms while I read a book down in the nose of the boat. It was very outdoorsy.

Anyway, I think it's time to talk about belting. It's one of the questions I get the most and sometimes, knowing how to belt clothes is hard to define. When do you go over? When do you go under? Where do you belt? Bahhh so many questions.

But never fear. While I do think it takse a bit of instinct, I can give you some basic commandments to follow when you're faced with belting. Remember these, and you too can belt like a total pro.



1) Thou shalt use a belt for definition. This is the most important of all of the commandments. Belts are used to make a shapeless outfit look sleek and hour-glassy. Anytime you have an outfit that makes people think "Is she pregnant?" and behold, thou is not, belt that sucker! Er... suckerest?


2) However, though shalt not belt things with an elasticized hem. Bubble shirts shall never be belted, as thou shalt look like a mushroom. Instead, save belts for shirts with volume around the middle.


3) Thou shalt try the sloppy tuck with a thick belt. Tucking a sloppy shirt too snugly into your belt will make thee look like thou hast just returned from band camp. Not that there's anything wrong with that...

... but there is.

4) However, thou mayest try a full tuck into a skinny belt as long as the shirt and pants are slim-cut and don't puff out like a pirate shirt around the middle.


5) Thou shalt try belting over multiple thin layers. Belting over thin layers shall give thee shape and connect all of the layers together in an outfit instead of just some sloppy stuff thou hast thrown together by accident. If the uppermost layer is hefty, like a blazer or cardigan, thou mayest belt only the layers underneath.


6) Thou shalt belt at thy natural waist. That's the spot between your hips and and your ribs. It's tiny and makes thee look like Marilyn Monroe. If though beltest too low, thou will look hippy. Too high, and thou wilt look as though thou is with child.

7) Thou should not always use the holes provided on thy belt. Belts can be tied and tucked in different ways.


8) Thou shalt own different belts in different sizes and colors. Then, thou shalt wear a belt that is comparable to the thickness and numbers of layers you're wearing. Therefore, thin belts are best with thinner layers, and thick belts are better over more substantial layers. However, thou should not be scared to experiment.


9) Thou shalt wear belts as an anchor or focal point of an outfit. Belts and shoes must not always match, but can only coordinate if there are no other matching pieces in the outfit. Otherwise, I dost not care.

10) Though shalt give thy belt some wiggle room. Thou must not cinch thy belt too tight, else thou will end up sweaty and uncomfortable all. day. long. Thou might also then need to take thy belt off in the car, and then thy husband will wonder why there are always belts stuck under the seats.

This is not from mine own personal experience.

Geez, all that Bible language hast made me tired.

Seriously though, does that help? Do you have any belt related questions? Hit me! Just not with a belt. That's abuse.

What I Wore: Wild Thing

YAY! I found my camera cord! It was in my guest room. I don't even... whatever. No one ever goes in there so I have no idea how it wound up under the bed, but I won't complain. I was afraid it was in the mass of laundry laying around my house since I haven't had the time to clean in the last 14 days. Make that 15 because I'm definitely not doing it today either.

Can I just insert a giant sigh here? I got back on Saturday from two weeks of "vacation" and the workaholic in me is so happy to be tapping away at my computer once again. I just love my schedule too much to be away for long. Plus I feel guilty when I don't post anything. Guilt be gone!

Two weeks ago, we headed down to Lake Powell for some boating and wakeboarding and such. Then, I got home for one day and headed up the mountain to take 30 girls camping. So what I'm saying is I spent the last weeks not showering and wearing a hat, so I wasn't exactly feeling all fashion-y. I was secretly happy to put on makeup yesterday. Oh eyeshadow, how I missed you. Let's never be apart.

I feel like a lack of showering, plus mixing peacock and snakeskin qualifies me as a wild child, right?
Sweater: GAP
Skirt: Ricki's (Canada - Hey, it was Canada Day yesterday, I had to pay homage!)
Wedges: Soda
Ring and necklace: F21

I'm not gonna lie -- the peacock necklace served two purposes. The first was that it was pretty, and the second was that my shirt is a low 'v' and I didn't feel like wearing an extra cami. Problem solved!

My feet were so happy to be in wedges again, especially with my summer orange polish. I can only wear flip flops for so long. Seriously, when I got home from camping on Saturday I felt like dipping them in bleach. I didn't, because that's extremely harmful and only on "My Strange Addiction," but I definitely thought about it.

PS this wedges make my ankles look impossibly tiny and therefore I try to work them into every outfit ever.


Also!! Easy hairstyle alert for when you sleep in! This is just three sections of hair would into messy buns. Like seriously, two seconds of work. I just did the middle section first and then wound up the sides and done. Do it! Dooooooooooooooo it.

OK, so I will admit that while camping I curled my eyelashes and wore mascara. I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself. Am I a total wuss or not? I swear, after five nights up late, I looked progressively more like a zombie each day. Mascara makes it allllll better. Do you bring your makeups with you or do you go au naturel while camping?

Swimsuitphobia

Hey guys --- I'm off and running on my two-week long adventure of tearing my hair out, but since I'll be squeezing into a swimsuit this weekend, I thought this was a good reminder for all of us!

*******************************************************************

Have I ever told you guys that I'm terrified of birds? No? OK, I'm telling you now. I hate them. There's something about the way they dart around erratically that makes me nervous. I hate any type of insect or animal that is erratic. Moths make me dry heave.

But do you know what's scarier than birds? Trying on swimsuits, amiright? And it's not like I'm the only one. I think the idea of baring your body to the general public makes nearly every woman break into a cold sweat. Want to know why?


This.

Remember when Jessica Biel did this spread for GQ or Maxim or whatever it was, and everyone was like OMG SHE HAS THE PERFECT BODY!?

I do. I believe she started dating Justin Timberlake shortly after this. Considering her claim to fame was "7th Heaven," it's proof that a magazine spread can do amazing things for your career.

ANYWAY. That picture is exactly what's wrong with every other woman on the planet come June. We have to go to stores with terrible lighting and squeeze into swimsuits made for supermodels and then NOT look like supermodels and then contemplate a liquid diet. It's pretty much the worst ever.

So the other day I finally decided to man up and go swimsuit shopping. I took my kids, loaded my iPhone with movies and took a deep breath. I've been at the gym at least three or four times a week for the past month, so I figured I wouldn't be too horrified with the results. I headed to the store and surveyed the goods. I chose six and disappeared into the fitting rooms. I put "Megamind" on my phone for the kids and started the process.

And wouldn't you know it? I DIDN'T LOOK LIKE JESSICA BIEL.

Now, let's get something straight. Even Jessica Biel doesn't look like Jessica Biel. That is called Photoshop. But I didn't even look like unphotoshopped Jessica. You know who I looked like? Myself.

Me who has carried and delivered three babies. Me who struggles out of bed at 6:30 am every morning to get to the gym to be tortured during Pilates. Me who never says no to butter on her popcorn. Me who can still do cartwheels on the front lawn, much to my husband's chagrin.

So while I stood there in an ill-lit fitting room with two kids and an armful of swimsuits that would not make me look like a supermodel, I felt my attitude soften toward my body in general. It's never going to look like Jessica Biel's. Ever. She has never had kids and therefore has hours per day to work with a personal trainer. And that's totally fine for her. More power to her! But it doesn't mean that I can mope around and feel sorry for myself because I can only squeeze in an hour per day. (However, I do feel sorry for myself that I'm not dating Justin Timberlake. It's a hard knock life, my friend.)

In fact, it put me in an annoyed mindset. I'm annoyed that women have to constantly feel apologetic that they look like THEMSELVES. "Um, sorry for my big thighs and my weird calves and belly pooch." Yesterday I caught myself complaining to my friend about my ribs. MY RIBS. WHO complains about that? It's so "Mean Girls."

I propose that we all get over our crazy swimsuit phobias. I know it's scary to put on very small pieces of stretchy fabric and not look like a Victoria's Secret model, but who cares? Everyone at the beach/pool/lake is so worried about ensuring that the light hits their abs so you can't see their stretch marks that they don't even notice what you're wearing. Unless you're shlubbing around a pool in a T-shirt and shorts. I always notice that. It's like a lighted sign that says "I HATE MY BODY." With a frowny face. Instead, find a suit that you love and that makes you feel good about yourself and stop apologizing. You look fine and maybe even a little confident. My swimsuit-buying advice? Suck it up and stop sucking it in.

You want to know what I bought? A swimsuit with a ruffled top and gold buttons and hardware. I totally wore it boating, despite the fact that my ribs are weird.