Freaky Friday: Peekaboo!

This post was made possible by fan Valerie, who sent me a horrendous link to a dress and inspired an entire post dedicated to sexiness failure.

There's a fine line between looking sexy and looking like a sad porn star. Unfortunately, that line is crossed daily in clubs and grocery stores across North America. When I was younger, my brothers and I were obsessed with a Canadian talk show called Jenny Jones. Now, Jenny Jones only ever had two topics on her shows. 1) From Geek to Chic, where nerds from high school dressed like hookers and came back to prove to past bullies how cool they were, and 2) My Mom Dresses Too Sexy, where 40-somethings showed video of themselves grocery shopping in spandex and then came on stage wearing nipple pasties.

(Yes, I'd like to know why my mom let us watch this too.)

It was some quality program. Please don't dress like this. It embarrassed your kids and launches me into lengthy musings about Canadian talk show hosts.



I actually think this would be fantastic for my next pregnancy (and then we laughed and laughed.) Everyone always wants to feel up my belly anyway, why not make it easier?


Quite possibly the ugliest shoe I've ever had on this blog. Not only does it look smelly, but it smells smelly.



Saddest styling ever. Oh hey, looks at this cut out leather top. What should I wear it with? Nursing scrubs? YES!


But if I don't wear thong-pants no one will see my trashy flower hip tattoo!


Saddest attempt at sexiness ever. "Here. These are my shoulders and stuff."


This is not a dress. It is a cupcake liner.


Ohhhhh yeah SEXY JUMPSUITS! Love that diaper bum!


Best for your next gynecologist appointment. You probably won't even have to wear the paper gown. "Here, why don't you put -- you know what? You're fine. The doctor will be here in a moment."


This is the dress Valerie sent me. I'm going back and forth between thinking it looks like eyebrows and thinking it loos like a smiling anime character. Either way, it's handy for nursing.


This dress is for when you want easy access to gross everyone out with your c-section scar. Preferably at a dinner party. Or PTA.

The sad truth is that some items of clothing, on a mother, always look sad and desperate. Avoid the following:
Latex as a fabric.
Cutouts near your belly, boobs and butt. Actually, cutouts anywhere.
Anything shorter than where you normally shave to.
JUMPSUITS
Anything that makes you look like you make money with your body, you might smell funny or like you might have a sketchy disease.

That should be easy enough, right?

How to: Get Out of a Style Rut

My husband and I were just talking about how when we first got married in 2003, I lived in my baby tees and low-slung jeans and bought things like colored sneakers and thought they were amazing. I still have a pair of red sneakers from my newlywed days, but really, where does one wear red sneakers? A Ronald McDonald convention? (Hahahaha kill me.)


(Me in my favorite newlywed outfit, featuring my Liger shirt. Yes. Liger. It says "Liger - Bred for its skills in magic.)

I love change. Love it love it love it. I'm constantly looking for ways to change up what I have, much to my husband's chagrin. I always want a new paint color or a new wall hanging or what if we put that over there? So it's no biggie for me to head out and buy clothes and accessories that may not be "me." I'll give just about anything a shot. But not jumpsuits. Never jumpsuits.

Still, I understand that if you've looked a certain way for a long period of time, changing your style and getting out of a rut can be a little nerve wracking. You don't want to end up looking stupid or like you're trying hard and then you have piles of acid wash jeans that you're worried will come back in style in like five years (Hint: If you wore a a style the first time around, you don't get to do it again.)

We all have our comfort zones. For some, that happens to be sweatpants, while others find comfort in five inch heels. Guess which one I am. The problem with a comfort zone is that if you stay too long, you might get a little too comfortable. And I mean that in a puffy 80s bangs kind of way. The sad truth is that it's all too easy to get stuck in a style rut. After a while, you can begin to look like a caricature of yourself in another era, and that's sad. Might I suggest some ways that you could spruce up and get out of a style rut?

1) Get a haircut, hippie.

It doesn't have to even be something drastic. Just a little trim, a few swingy layers or a different color always helps me feel a little more fashion forward. There's nothing like the feeling of new hair. I get my haircut and immediately want to go shopping to buy things that match said hair. Is that weird?

(Short hair? Don't mind if I do!)

2) Start with accessories.

Changing your style is scary, I get it. But if you have a classic and traditional style you can totally keep it. Just play with your accessories. They're cheaper and they always fit. Buying a big pair of colorful earrings, a chunky cuff bracelet or a new pair of heels can be the key to more fashion-forward style and if you purchase them in abundance from a store like F21, your husband won't be mad. He'll just be happy you got rid of the snap bracelets and mousy necklaces.

(Turtle shells... they're so hot right now.)

3) Shop with a friend (preferably me.)

I thought about this the other day when shopping with a friend. She needed a new outfit for family pictures and I knew some of the things I picked out for her weren't things she would normally pick for herself. In fact, she may have had a slight anxiety attack when I loaded her up with pencil skirts and wrap shirts and wedge heels. But you know what? She looked totally hot. Sometimes you need to go shopping with someone who isn't YOU. Because YOU always pick the same stuff and end up with a closet full of khaki.

4) Put your own spin on things.

If you see a trend that you love but think would never work on you, the Tim Gunn that bad boy and MAKE IT WORK. I had a friend comment the other day that I must be "pretty tall." I'm 5'4" and she had just never seen me sans heels. I'm very realistic about my body and know what will and won't work on me, but I also don't allow that to sideline me from trying new things. My best tip is to find someone whose style you admire and who has a similar body type and shape as yours. Stop wishing that you could wear summer scarves/oversized sunglasses/skinny jeans and see how others have made it work for them.

5) Just try.

Unless it's a swan dress or a lace mask or a dress made entirely out of Kermit the Frogs, you don't know until you try. Go shopping with a good friends and get ready to laugh at yourself. Last Memorial Day I was shopping at Guess with my sister in law and I picked out a REALLY flamboyant shirt. It was cute, but not really my style but I thought what the heck. I disappeared into the fitting room, telling my sister in law that for some reason, Guess shirts always make me look like a prostitute. Something about the way they fit. When I came out, I laughed hysterically because I most certainly did look like a prostitute. Try things on. If they don't work, laugh and move on.

(This just in: I look like an idiot in jumpsuits. Laugh and learn, people!)

I hope all of my style misadventures are enough to make you want to try something new. I think you'll 100 percent surprise yourself. Nothing quite beats the feeling of slipping on an item that you totally rock without realizing that you could.

Except for jumpsuits.

Never, ever.

What I Wore: Tangerine Dream

YAY! Are you guys ready for this? It's my FIRST OUTFIT POST. Despite the fact that I feel like a complete idiot having my husband take pictures of me for my blog, I'm excited to add this to the site and I think it'll be inspiring to come up with cute, mom-appropriate outfits (that aren't camo pants and flip flops, natch.) So without further adieu, I give you our first "What I Wore" post. Drum roll please!


(Click the pic for better details, stupid Blogger)

Ruffled tank top: Local boutique
Cardigan: Banana Republic
Pencil skirt: JC Penney
Flower ring: F21
Bracelets: Charlotte Russe
Necklace: Buckle
Belt: Came with skirt
Shoes: Qupid
Tote: Calvin Klein




Accessory pics! These shoes make me die with delight!

Alright, so this peach/coral outfit was inspired by my messy room. Which means, I came home from shopping and threw this tank top on the floor, which happened to be where my favorite coral cardigan was. A wonderful color pairing was born. I added my Mad Men-esque skirt and then my leopard pumps that I pined for and finally bought but have only worn twice. This is the kind of person I am. Anyway, I wore this to church, which explains the world's biggest tote bag: it's stuffed with crayons and fruit snacks and books to ensure good children during the hour-long first meeting. Also, sometimes I eat the gummy worms in there. It's shameful but how else am I supposed to stay awake? I mean REALLY.

I also really love the layered necklace I'm wearing. I bought it on a whim and find myself wearing it with anything I possibly can. It's one piece so it's easy to slap on and look like I tried.

Also, a couple of style notes that you can use. See how my shirt is untucked? I do that when my cardigan or jacket is shorter than the top of my pants/skirt, since otherwise you get a weird strip of fabric. If my topper meets or is longer than the top of my pants, I'll tuck in the undershirt for a cleaner overall look. Does that make any sense at all? It's just one of those little things that make a big difference style-wise.

Also, my legs are really tan and I'm pretty happy about that.

ANYWAY, how did I do? Should we keep this and do it weekly or are you like OMG Jae shut up?

Freaky Friday: The Clearance Rack

Today I decide to shirk my blogging duties and take my kids to see Winnie the Pooh, which you would have KNOWN had you been a fan of my Facebook page. I've been whimpering over previews for a good two months now. Like, please, with the "Somewhere Only We Know" background music? Tug at my heart strings some more. Luckily, all of my attention was taken by my son yelling at me to be quiet for absolutely NO REASON for the entire movie, so I didn't embarrass myself too badly. Plus there were only three other people in the theater. On the way home, I girded my loins and popped into a local thrift shop. AND GUESS WHAT! I actually had a really good experience. I plan to tell you all about it next week. But seriously. I was in the zone and actually bought two things and didn't even cry. Baby steps, people. Baby steps.

Anyway, all that bargain shopping inspired me to dig through some online clearance bins to see what lovely items I could find.


Honestly, I tend to avoid wearing anything that conjures the idea of "pigskin." Also, this company apparently believes everyone is square and it makes me angry.


OK, is it me, or are jumpsuits getting worse? Boo hiss. This one isn't even pretending to be modern.



So whimsical Julia Roberts from "Pretty Woman" called. She wants her man pants back.


WHY do they keep trying to make shape up shoes cute? THEY ARE NOT CUTE. They look like Frankenstein started a shoe line. I see what you're up to with those sequins, Skechers... and I'm NOT buying it.


Anything that makes people wonder if you have a hairy chest is no bueno.


Doesn't this defeat the purpose of wearing a jacket? I have never once put on a hoodie and wished I could show off my shoulders simultaneously. Call me crazy.

The saddest shorts I have ever had the misfortune of seeing. Besides the fact that they are droopy and depressing, they are the EXACT color of my legs in the winter. My legs in the winter are not pretty.



Ohhh yeah, nothing revs the engine like oversized teal shirts. Rawr! This woman just oozes sex appeal.



I can't remember what I was going to say about this, except that in the thumbnail on my computer, this woman looks like spaghetti.

Before I sign off this week, I have a question for my lovely readers. I could make it a poll, but I want your thoughts. How do you feel about outfit posts? Like when a blogger actually posts what she's wearing? Self absorbed or helpful? Because I could totally do it if it would be helpful, but since this isn't a "What I Wore Today" blog I don't want to overwhelm with self-centeredness (ie. LOOK AT HOW CUTE I LOOK!) I was thinking once a week because honestly, yesterday I wandered around in camo pants and flip flops. They aren't all winners, folks. Let me know in the comment section and we'll see what the consensus.

Happy weekend!

Pattern Mixing for Beginners

I will preface this post by saying this look is NOT for everyone. If you're still learning that pleats on pants are weird, this is probably a little advanced for you. HOWEVER, if you're moderately fashion savvy and want to look up-to-date, you can totally handle this.

I'm talking about pattern mixing, people.

Once upon a time, mixing patterns was scary and unknown, like Mars. Did I ever tell you I'm really scared of aliens? One time my husband was off camping and I was home alone watching a 20/20 special about aliens and I swear I cried myself to sleep. That was a classic Jae tangent. Back to the topic at hand. Ah, yes. Pattern mixing need not make you cry yourself to sleep. As long as it's done properly, it can look totally current and subsequently make you look like you know everything about fashion ever and then be the envy of playgroup.

When wearing two patterns together, the most basic rule is this: At least one MUST be a graphic print. This is because two wishy waashy prints, say, floral and paisley, are going to make you look like a crazy hippy slash Laura Ingalls lookalike. So long as you have a graphic print, such as a dot, stripe, zig-zag, whatever, you can make this work.

Once you've chosen your graphic print, you can choose your coordinating print. This can be anything, but be warned. The crazier the print, the more vital you stay within the same color family as your graphic print. So, stripes and florals can totally work so long as they are monochoromatic, whereas choosing two graphic prints lets you go crazy with the colors and I won't judge.

So, after you've chosen your two patterns (ONLY TWO, PEOPLE) you can then add accessories. It's vital that your accessories act as anchor pieces, so please for the love of all that is holy choose neutrals. Anything else is insane. Like, Bjork at Fashion Week insane. Please don't.

I feel like some examples are in order.

Dot dress
$35 - delias.com

Red Herring stripe tee
£10 - debenhams.com

Long sleeve top
£30 - houseoffraser.co.uk

Floral print skirt
£10 - axparis.co.uk

BC Footwear metallic shoes
$45 - nordstrom.com

Old Navy heeled sandals
$33 - oldnavy.gap.com

Tan handbag
$30 - amazon.com

Hurley bag
$40 - tillys.com

Bow jewelry
$7.99 - tillys.com

Marc by Marc Jacobs lock jewelry
$30 - ssense.com

Wet Seal hoop earrings
$11 - wetseal.com

All Saints striped scarve
$43 - allsaints.com

Here I have two examples of supercute pattern mixing. Notice how the first has a graphic and a more traditional print? See how they're both coral? Happy times! It's totally cute and fashion forward and springy. Now can you imagine the tragedy that would have been colored accessories? TOO matchy: you just want to look coordinated. The nude in the accessories acts as the anchor that keeps this outfit from sailing into Crazytown harbor.

The second look I had more to play with as far as colors because dots and stripes are both graphic prints. They can look a little more bold since there's less for the eye to take in. Plus, polka dots are adorable and make me want to eat my arm from the sheer cuteness. Still, you'll notice that the accessories are fairly neutral to keep everything together.

So do you feel like pattern mixing is something you can do or are you like Jae, you're Crazytown's resident crazy person? Although I will say, as always, if you think you "can't pull it off" then you probably can't. Because you'll try it and feel awkward and then LOOK awkward and that'll be the end of it. But if you want to give it a shot and work it and be confident, it's probably going to work for you.

Remember that it's just fashion. Email me if there's any other trends you want to try but don't know how. So long as it's not droopy crotch pants or jumpsuits (shudder), we can make it work.

Safe Hot Weather Workouts!!

For those of you who love to work out in all types of weather "Safe Hot Weather Workouts" is for you. Although I am not one to say don't exercise when it's warm out, I do think you need to be extra careful when it's really hot.

This July has been awesome for nice warm weather. Last week it actually got up to a very uncomfortable 50 degrees with the humidity. That's HOT!!

If you're not careful, if you are exercising in extreme heat, you could wind up suffering all sorts of heat-related health issues.

So what do you need to watch out for when exercising outside in the heat, and what can you do to avoid these issues?

Potential Problems

A hard workout in the heat is filled with potential dangers. The most likely to occur is dehydration. While headache and exhaustion may seem harmless dangers to suffer, severe dehydration can have more serious consequences. You may become dizzy and be unable to maintain your balance, which puts you at risk for all sorts of injury.

But dehydration isn't the only danger of hot-weather working out. You can wind up with heat exhaustion or heat stroke. With heat exhaustion, you feel weak, suffer muscle cramps, and your internal temperature rises. When your body temperature rises above 104 degrees Fahrenheit, your body can't produce any more sweat, or you lose consciousness, it's probably a heat stroke.

Since heat strokes are responsible for hundreds of deaths each year, you don't want to push your body to this point. Fortunately, avoiding heat stroke and other heat-induced issues isn't too difficult if you're careful.

Keeping Cool

Plan to do some outdoor exercising in the midst of the summer? Then you'll need to take some steps to keep your body from getting too hot for its own good. The most obvious way to avoid heated health issues is to stay hydrated. But what kind of hydration is best in the simmering heat of mid-summer? Nearly any kind of fluid will help, but stay away from alcohol. Instead, go for the most plentiful drink on planet Earth: water. For extreme conditions or in the event you'll be pushing yourself for more than 30 minutes in an extremely hot environment, go with a sports drink that provides electrolytes you lose during your workout.

You can also avoid overheating by working out when the sun is not directly overhead. This means exercising either in the early hours of the morning or after the sun has started going down in the evening. Additionally, you can keep your body from suffering heat-related problems by wearing loose-fitting clothes that absorb your sweat. As a final tip, your outdoor routine should be called off for the day if you feel any symptoms of a heat stroke or heat exhaustion coming on. In the event you begin feeling weak, tired, or have other heat-related symptoms, get inside and drink up. Doing this can help you prevent your minor symptoms from turning into something major.

Tips for Safe Hot Weather Workouts

1. Drink tons of water. Don't skimp on your water before, during and after your workouts. Always stay hydrated.

2. Wear lots of sunscreen. Don't waste your money and grab a 4 or even a 15 sun protection. Be sure to get at least a 30 and use it all over including your face. I know it can be a pain to apply everyday, but if you are going to be exposed to the sun, it's worth doing.

3. Wear a hat and sunglasses. Protect your head and eyes.You only get one of them, don't take them for granted.

4. One of the most important tips I think is, don't go and do your workout when the sun is at its strongest, which is generally from between 10am and 4pm. Get up extra early or wait til evening when it has a chance to cool off.

Committed to your fitness success,

Kelly Parker

www.fitmommakeover.net

Freaky Friday: Letters to Fashion

Have you guys ever seen the website Dear Blank Please Blank?

It's only the funniest site EVER. It makes me die. Although me and my brother who lives in Botswana really enjoy First World Problems as well. Not that it has anything to do with anything. I'm just saying.

So, today I thought I'd write a few love letters to our fashion offenders. You know, just to keep it personal. That's how I roll.




Dear En Vogue:

You've really let yourself go.

On the other hand, you have the right to lose control. (GET IT!? HAHA)

Kisses, Jae.



Dear Purse:

Do I put you in my vacuum? I'm always running out of bags.

Confused, Jae.



Dear type of girl who would carry something like this:

Please don't hurt me.

xoxo, Jae.



Dear Model:

Might I interest you in a sandwich?

Hungrily, Jae.


Dear Maker of these sweatpants:

A pig in a tuxedo is still a pig.

Love, Jae.


Dear shoe:

You have a garbage stuck to you. How embarrassing.

Cordially, Jae.



Dear short dress wearing model:

I can see your Fallopian tubes. Pants next time?

Hopefully, Jae.



Dear Claire, the awesome reader who sent me this:

You are my second favorite. Next to Steve Buscemi. Even so, I probably wouldn't wear him on my dress. While he is the best part of The Wedding Singer, (Best man! Better man....) he may be the least attractive man alive. Sorry Steve. I feel like you know. But hey, my face isn't on a dress, so more power to you.

Call me!

-Jae.


Dear jumpsuit makers of the world.

Stop. Just stop.

Wearily, Jae.


Dear Model:

You look like me when I go to stay at my parents house and forget hygiene and shlump around in whatever I dig out of my little brother's closet.

I like it.

Love, Jae.


Dear Prada.

$1,500? Really? I already have legs.

Grumpily, Jae.


Happy Friday everyone!