Freaky Friday Don'ts

Oh how I've missed scouring the Internets for ugly clothes. The things I turn up!!


For a romantic, yet casual, dinner date with Boss Hogg.


Did you know the French actually find it offensive when you yell "Garcon!" at a restaurant? I'd be offended if I wore this and didn't get yelled "Garcon!" at.



K, story time. So I had this childhood friend (Who I am desperately hoping does NOT read this blog) who's mom was like the biggest cougar OF ALL TIME. She would come home from work in one of these babies and her leather jacket and make dinner dishes that were like spaghetti in a wine sauce with wine appetizers and a glass of wine. And she would get drunk and teach me and me ten year old best friend about how men were bad and you don't need nobody to take care of you. Moral of the story; wear something like this and I'll imagine that you prey on young, supple teenage boys because you like being a sugarmama. Leopard + bustier is scary. PICK ONE SEXT AT A TIME, coug!




From the Laura Ashley "I give up on trying to look attractive" collection.



This shirt was labeled "Bold Floral." Really? Because thats not what I imagine when I hear the word bold. Its what I imagine when I hear "Now, what can I wear with my white keds and mom jeans?"




I'll take "How to look pregnant even though I am a statuesque supermodel" for 800, Alex.





Scariest. Pants. Alive.

Oh my gosh you guys, I agreed with Billy Bush

So I have a weird confession about my obsession with Billy Bush. Every time he comes on the TV screen for Access Hollywood or Entertainment Tonight or whatever show he's on, my husband and I remark, "Where the heck did he even come from?" Like, he didn't even exist, I'm sure. I think he was grown from a pod somewhere. Add in the fact that he is the ex-president's cousin and its just like, woah. I watch him and note how much he looks like out dear Georgie. ANYHOW, on his entertainment gossip shows, I generally think Billy is kind of a douche. He says stupid things and wonders aloud if "Angelina went blonde for a movie role? Real or Rumor?!" And its like, did people honestly wonder if that was real or rumor? When there is an economic crisis going on??

BUT! Lately, (and you all know of my other obsession with the Today show) he has been filling in for Kathie Lee Gifford on the 1pm hour of Today, and I find him to be a DELIGHT. He is witty and full of anecdotes about keeping things spicy with his wife of like ten years, which is sweet because I'd always assumed he was gay. And its a relief from listening to harpy old Kathie Lee go on about Hoda getting a man, which annoys me because its not like KLG scored so big in that area. She's married to Frank Gifford for pete's sake, its time to get off your high horse there, KLG! And I just find her generally annoying and I wish she would SHUT UP about her stupid lullaby CD she made that no one bought but that the producers insist she give as consolation prizes to those who lose when they do trivia segments. And what a consolation prize it is.

But that's beside the point. Yesterday, during a segment about new trends, they showed some serious accessories and Billy made the comment that they should only be worn when the rest of the outfit is more subdued. He said something to the effect of just like in a living room, if you want something to pop, you let it be the center of attention. And I was like BILLY! You little minx, I agree!

Colour is SO GOOD this time of year. My favourite thing that I'm seeing are bright almost neon looking colours. Only thing is, if you don't wear them right, its going to come across as totally '80s, and not in a cute retro way. More like a scary Belinda Carlisle way. Not cool. So when wearing colours, its best to *gulp* take Billy's advice and DON'T OVERDO IT. Serious colours call for subdued outfits. And absolutely NO. MATCHING. The easiest way to wear colour is in accessories, so if you're loving the neons but not ready to buy yellow PANTS, then try some easier ways to wear them.

Observe.

ANYONE can get away with bright coloured shoes. How to do it: Either with really dark denim paired with an absolutely not matchy shirt (Like, don't wear a pink shirt and pink shoes. It scares me.) I would love the yellow shoes with anything khaki coloured. And please do the Pucci-esque ones with something white. Make the shoes the focus by toning it down elsewhere. I would probably carry a really neutral bag with these too.

Love this little accessory. Put it in your hair or clip it onto a blazer and its like, instant spring happiness.

SUMMER SCARVES. Hallelujah, they are still in for spring. Difference is they are not in brighter colours. How cute would this look with like, a plain long sleeved white tee, some cropped skinny jeans and flats? Ugh like I want to go buy the whole outfit in my head immediately.

K, check out this awesome jewelry. I would totally wear these together. Why? because they DON'T match. Instead, they are totally complimentary and interesting. Just keep the rest of the outfit pretty neutral and don't wear a necklace or earrings and all of a sudden its all "Hey, where'd you get those?"

Yeah, you knew I'd have a clutch up here. Love this one because its a wallet inside with organizers for all of your plastic, and the colour is awesome and will literally go with everything. Its so vibrant that any other colour combo will look intentional, even if its not. For instance, a bright yellow top. You wouldn't necessarily match the two together, but because the green is so bright, it looks interesting anyhow. Don't stress over combinations. Go for interest over coordiantion. It's newer and less stuffy.

Time to swap out your winter bag (black or brown = boo) for something more springy. Again, even if you're like "Yeah, I'm totally not a colour girl" do it with your handbag. It doesn't have to be crazy, just fresher.

So moral of the story: try COLOUR in little ways. And listen to BILLY BUSH.

(All accessories from Shop Suey Boutique, Wet Seal, Forever 21 and GoJane.com)

My Top Ten! Not That it Would Ever Happen...

So have I ever told you how much I enjoy Tim Gunn's Guide to Style? Of all the television fashion people who have their own shows, he is BY FAR my favourite. And not just because he says awesome catch phrases like "Hmm.. this has me concerned. Make it work!" And not just because he used to be like, president of a university and quit to become a designer, but because he ACTUALLY makes sense. I always trust a guy to tell me what looks good on girls. Not just any guy, mind you, but in general, they can tell you if its good or bad. Girls will overanalyze the cut, colour and style, where a guy is like "Meh, I'm really not feeling it." I appreciate that.



So on Guide to Style, Timmy always has a list of basics that ALL women should have in their closet. In fact, when people ask me what are some things they should buy, I always direct them to his list, because it is far more inclusive than anything I could come up with. He is a genius, and I kind of love him.


Anyhow, that being said, if you were to put me at GUN POINT and say "Choose ten things from your closet that you can keep and I'm setting fire to everything else!" I would first cry and beg, then cry some more, then offer to give up my own life first, then cry a little more, go through the 7 steps of mourning, and choose these items. Not saying you must have these in your closet, but it is a really good starting point. No mommyness here!!




1) My favourite pair of jeans. These jeans are perfect, I have yet to find something I don't like about them. I firmly believe that everyone should have a jean "wardrobe"; that is, jeans for just about every occasion in different lengths, styles, washes and fits. I love jeans. But when you find your perfect jean, make a note of it, and buy a few pairs in different washes. I love these Emma cut ones from Abercrombie. They are a perfect dark wash, skinny enough to be trendy but not scary and tapered, and they KILL with a pair of heels. LOVE.


(Abercrombie)



2) A really crisp white button up. I like mine to look mens-weary but with feminine details. The one I own is cut classically, but has like rhinestone buttons to make it firmly a woman's shirt. My most major hint is pick one that looks a little on the long side. Button up shirts ALWAYS end up looking short on people. Choose a long one that you can tuck into jeans or a skirt, and it looks neat and professional instead of sloppy and mommish.


(Venus)


3) A pencil skirt. JUST GET ONE. Pencil skirts make ALL women's bodies look so good, no matter what your size. They do such a good bum huggage thing. I have this grey one and wear it SO MUCH. With my white button up shirt, a pair of really cute pointy heels, and voila. An outfit.


(BodyCentral)


4) A casual but special top. I have long expounded upon how I hate women who shlub around all the time. Even if your only agenda for the day is grocery shopping, make yourself feel better by picking up a few shirts that are comfy and easy to wear, but still cute. Throw it on with a pair of jeans and flats. It took two seconds, but I will guarantee you'll feel better about yourself. Stay away from your husband's oversized Hanes. Please.



(BodyCentral, Forever21)


5) A really basic but well cut tee. Sometimes I think there is nothing hotter than a plain v-necked tee with a cute pair of jeans and heels. It is so easy to do but it looks so good. You know how much I love Express, they are the best place to buy basic stuff at. When buying a plain t-shirt, pay attention to the way it fits. It should be comfy but not baggy. It should be long enough so you're not tugging on it all the time; in fact, one that has a little extra length is great if you're looking to wear one that is camouflaging to the middle area. TRY THEM ON.


(Express)



6) Pointy toed heels. If you don't own a pair, STOP crying about how they look uncomfortable and you have hammer toes or whatever excuse you're coming up with. Find a pair that are comfy and get them. They make your legs look leaner and literally go with everything. My current faves in my closet are a really basic Guess pair. Make sure you have at least one black pair and then branch out into other colours. Wear them to dress up jeans, slacks, skirts, whatever. I have a friend who totally WOULD NOT wear these, until I forced her to try on mine. The first words out of her mouth? "OMG, look how hot these make my legs look." I didn't say I told you so... but I thought it.



(GUESS)


7) A date night top. Can I tell you how many times I hear women complaining that their hubbies aren't romantic or passionate enough? Um, hate to break it to you, but if I came home to see you covered in baby spit and wearing sweats, I probably wouldn't be jumping your bones either. So get an awesome date night shirt, so when you do go out somewhere, your husband or significant other is pleasantly surprised... not only that you showered, but you look like you did when you were dating. I love the sweetness of the lace one, and I love the hardness of the beaded one. I would wear it with a leather jacket and look all hot and biker-chic. Find a shirt that is special, that you feel incredibly attractive in. Your date night might actually last longer than the movie and dinner. WINKITY WINK!!! Thank me later.

(WetSeal)


8) A little black dress. If you've been reading my blog since the beginning and STILL don't own an LBD, then SHAME ON YOU! You should have one. Please for the love of pete get one. They are so perfect for SO many occasions. Try alot on, and choose one that flatters your body the best. Check out Nordstrom.com's little black dress shop for some awesome ideas. I go over there and drool, literally drool. I love really classic ones, mine is cut just like this one, but without the sheer sleeves. I got it from H&M but they didn't have it on their site. BOO.


(Nordstrom)


9) A seriously cute jacket. I love jackets. Ask my husband. When we built our house, he built me not only my own closet in our room, but my own TWO closets down in the mudroom, because he knows of my love for jackets. Trench coats, pea coats, bombers, leather jackets, blazers. I collect them. Why? Because even if what I am wearing is less than fantastic, the addition of a really awesome jacket perks the whole thing up. Its why I hate summer. No jackets. Sadness. You can find awesome ones all over, look for special details and great tailoring. I just bought the leather biker styled jacket of my dreams. I left it in Canada last time was there and harassed my mom to bring it to me. When she arrived a few weeks ago, I hugged her and asked "DID YOU BRING MY JACKET?" She was flattered.

(Victoria's Secret (LOVE!!!) Abercrombie )


10) A clutch. Every woman should have a clutch. It drives me CRAZY when I see a woman all dressed up and looking good, and then have a huge bag slung over her shoulder. Don't get me wrong, big bags have their place. But not when you're dressed up. Even if you're wearing say, your date night top and favourite jeans with a pointy toed shoe, I want you to be carrying a clutch. It is so much sleeker than your every day bag and a little more special. And when out with your husband, you're not bringing diapers anyway. Its freeing to only need a lip gloss!! Pick one in a fun colour, a clutch literally does not have to match anything.

(ShopSuey Boutique)



So there are my top ten if I HAD to choose. Really though, if someone threatened me with paring down my closet to ten items I would slap them silly. That's crazy talk.

Spring Fashion for Real, Non-Weird People

K, so one of the things I missed most while in the hospital was, you guessed it, SHOPPING. Then, my dear sweet husband told me to go to the mall like, 5 days post partum. I did, and against my better judgement, tried things on. And became severely depressed. I should have waited another week or so.

Anyhoo, I did get to see all the new spring stuff that I'd missed. Now, I love spring. Spring and fall are my favourite times of year, both weather wise and fashion wise. Its when they roll out the good stuff. Now, we JUST had fashion week, so we got to see all the things that designers think that we should be wearing. A note about fashion designers. They are ANNOYING. Does anyone watch Project Runway? I mean, really, there is not a more stuck up bunch of people than designers. They can't take criticism and they think they are awesome. And they presume to tell you what to wear. How DARE they. But sometimes they come up with a good CONCEPT, even if its not viable in real life the way they have it.

So I was looking through some fashion week photos and decided to feature some stuff that looked good on the runway, but would look ridiculous on you. BUT THEN!! Save you with some suggestions on how to use the concept in real life.

There was a huge throwback to the dirty '30s from Burberry, which I think is supposed to be a cute nod to our current economic situation.

What I like: Cinched waists and trench coats. What I don't like: Flapper dresses and hats. I HATE hats. Hats always make you look like you're trying too hard.

(http://www.makemechic.com/)
Do your own throwback with a belted trench, which you can wear with a slimmer skirt and some freakin' fantastic peeptoe stacked heels. Why did I choose this trench when I featured other ones in the coat section? LENGTH. What makes this trench newer for spring is that is super feminine and meant for skirts and dresses and flirtiness. LOVE. Extra points if you get in in red.

K, next up is geometric patterns a la Dolce and Gabbana. You are never going to wear any of these outfits. Ever. Real people don't run around looking like disproportionate airline stewardesses from the '50's.

These are both geometric and cute to the nth degree. I am so loving patterns this spring, I am so over the basics of the winter, you know? Remember when picking prints, choose ones that are proportionate to your body size. That means if you're plus sized, don't choose prints that are super busy and tiny... its going to look like alot. Try a monochromatic print like the blue one above. If you're smaller, go for a bolder and more contrasting print, like the red and blue. (Both at Nordstrom.)

NExt is the grecian thing again done by YSL. I really thought we were done with all of this, after the gladiator sandal debacle of '08. But its back again. Now, look past the grecian thing and see what these designers are really going after; draping. Draping is good. It's generally very forgiving of body flaws because it basically means FABRIC. Lots of it. To hide anything.

The Gap is SO good with the draping thing. So many of their clothes are all loosey goosey, so its a good place to start. Look how cute! And see how you wouldn't ever have to worry about your mummy tummy... not that I have one or anything.....*cough*. Moving on.



Indian inspired at Ralph Lauren and Gucci!! I love love love really rich fabrics and ethnic prints. I don't love love love puffy pants. So use it as inspiration. The colors and the tunics are awesome. And not those scary mom tunics that everyone was wearing like two years ago. New school ones.

Love this for fuller figures. Such hotness!! Colour! Pattern!

New school tunic cut... much less granola eating hippy than years past. (Nordstrom)

K, finally it brings us to sportswear. When I look at the runway from Michael Kors, I'm like k, who would wear that? WHen I hear sportswear, I think of the stuff I wear when running errands, back and forth to the gym, or on Saturdays in general.

I do agree with one sentiment though. STOP LOOKING LIKE A SLOB. If you are going to wear comfy yoga clothes to run errands in, I totally understand. But don't do it in your husband's sweatpants and your band t-shirt from highschool, k? PLEASE. Because then I will judge you and THEN I'll feel bad. But its your own fault.

These pants are reeeeedonkulous (ANyone know the show thats from? Come on!) Such good bum pants for running around in. And pair it with a cute hoodie and voila! I don't hate you anymore! (Victoria's Secret)

So there you have it. Don't worry about the designers... they are so full of it they don't even realize they are making things that no one will ever wear. Just learn from their cues and look hot.

I'm Baaaaack

Did you miss me?

Saley Sale Sale

So I know its been like, a MONTH since I posted last but I'm in the hospital and super uninspired by the fashion choices here. You can hear about my pajama pants, or my take on scrubs, but neither one sound good to me.

Anyways, just popping on to say that one of my favourite stores, EXPRESS, is having a big box sale, with everything 40% the posted price. Whee. Let me tell you, remember when we talked about not looking crappy when running errands and stuff? Their featherweight tees are THE BEST for just being casual but still looking cute. Come to think of it, I am wearing an EXPRESS shirt right now. They are super long, which I love, and actually fit over my belly with their extreme perfect fittedness. Something like this is pretty adorable for every day. And they are like $5 right now. So enjoy the sale, and know that though I am bed ridden, I am still looking out for your fashion well being. If that doesn't warm your cold little hearts, I don't know what will.

Dressing Your Man

So I've received a number of e-mails about how oh yeah, dressing the mom's is all well and good, but what about my slouchy husband. K, right off the bat, guys are tricky. They seem to have a more defined style than women do. That's because women typically are open to new ideas when it comes to the fashion arena. Men, however, are not. They get stuck in obsessive ruts with their clothes, which explains why so many of them still dress like they're in senior year of high school.

So, basically what I'm saying is, I can tell you what I pick out for my husband, but this is not a one size fits all deal. I'm not going to lie, I like a certain style on guys and pretty much buy that stuff for my husband, who more often than not is happy to wear it. So if you don't have this kind of sway with your husband OR he refuses to take of his Star Wars t-shirt, then I am sorry. You're pretty much out of luck.

So anyways, here's what I like on guys.

1) Polos. Polos are not scary. Most guys will be okay with wearing them. Please watch the fit though. Some polos, no names *cough*Old Navy*cough* wash funny and can become boxy. We don't want boxy polos. Try something with a slimmer, longer fit and your poor husband won't have to be yanking it down 24/7.

2) Sweaters. Omg, I love a guy in a sweater. My favourite are the half zip ones, because then you can get your guy to wear collared shirts underneath them. Collared shirt plus half zip sweater = me love you long time. When buying sweaters for your guy, its best to err on the side of largeness because tight sweaters can come off looking the wrong way, if you know what I mean.

3) Speaking of collared shirts. Hello daddy. I love these with jeans and rolled up sleeves. They can fit a little snugger if you want, especially is you're using them as layering pieces. If it's too bulky, then its uncomfortable, and guys don't wear uncomfortable clothes. Ever. They will not suffer for fashion like we do ladies. Sorry.

4) Jackets. Your guy should have a nice, go-to jacket that he can wear on a date with you (presumably) or to a work function or just whatever. Be prepared to spend money on it. I bought my husband a wool coat like, three years a go. It was pricey, but it's nice, and what do you think he always reaches for when we're headed out? That's right, his pricey coat. I also bought him a more fun leather jacket as well. Spend money on one nice, solid piece he'll wear forever, then you can mix it up with fun pieces that cost less.

5) Jeans. Jeans for guys are so personal that I hesitate to even suggest. But I'm presumptuous like that, so can I suggest that the same thing that works for you might work for him? Bootcut. Not like ,girl bootcut because that's weird. But give him a little wiggle room. My favourite jeans for guys are the Loose Boot from the Gap or similar. Carpenters are a no-go. Unless your husband is really a carpenter. And honestly, if buying your guy jeans ALWAYS go with a dark wash k? They match literally everything.

Once you've established a basic "nice" wardrobe for your guy, then he can supplement it with whatever. I think you'll find though, that if you start him down the right path in clothing, that he'll be more apt to follow it when shopping for himself, if that ever happens. I have to drag my husband by his ear to the mall, and even then you'd think I was giving him a root canal while pointing at things I like. But I'm proud to say that he is pretty much always well dressed, except on Sundays when he wears black socks and tan shorts. WHY.

Even if you're reading this thinking "K, my husband/boyfriend/fiance/significant other will NEVER wear that stuff!" Or even if you don't particularly like it (I obviously like my husband to look very clean and tailored and to basically look like a Docker's ad) think of what you do like on guys and never underestimate the power of suggestion. Hasn't your guy ever said to you in passing that he likes something on girls so you rush out in a mad panic trying to find it so you can be the girl of his dreams? Ask me why I own this shirt in every possible color.

You guessed it. My husband "suggested" that he liked it on me. Do the same thing to him! It totally works.

So, good luck girls. Getting your husband to change the way he dresses might be kind of a feat. Not to mention, you probably fell in love with him when he was wearing his ratty Philly Eagles t-shirt right? Riiiiiiight? So buck up, buy him a nice shirt for Christmas and see what happens.