Deciphering Gwyneth Paltrow's Annual GOOP Gift Guide

Yes, it's that time of year again. That time when Gwyneth Paltrow reminds us why we all hate her so. As you fight over toaster ovens in a Black Friday stampede, she's grating Himalayan rock salt and loving her children more than you.

And because I understand that not everyone has the sophisticated palate that it takes to decipher a gift guide of such high caliber, it is I who have made the courageous sacrifice to page through and assign the proper recipient for each gift. I like to think that someone like me–yes, someone who orders double caramel sundaes at McDonalds–truly understands what it's like to live in the lap of luxury to a point where Christmas is when you have the opportunity to make even giving all about yourself.

I feel ya, Gwyn. We're kindred souls, you and I. Cosmic fist bump. Conscious solidarity.

The Canoe Condom Dispenser: $42
Best for: Your Slippery-Fingered Husband

Why not give birth control the same treatment as that crusty nickel holder in your old Geo Metro?

The Hock Design Gold-Plated Dumbbells: $125,000Best for: Anyone with a blatant disregard for charity in general. 

Hmmmm pay for access to fresh water in a third-world country, or grab a pair Richard Simmons-heavy dumbbells so you can mall walk with your friends?

This Crappy Fire Starter Kit: $16
Best for: That one friend who apparently doesn't have 9,000 craft sticks lying around like the rest of humankind. 

GOOP said this would be a great Secret Santa gift. Surprise! Your Secret Santa doesn't know anything about you, nor does she care. Here's a fancy bag of wood chips. Enjoy.

Tracy Anderson Workout Streaming: $90 per month (Or a steal at $475 per year)
Best for: White people. 

Just. White people. 

The Live the Process Unitard: $260Best for: You, while drunkenly recreating your 1994 dance recital to "Good Vibrations." 

Because it's pretty much the last time you actually heard the word "unitard." Extra points if you wear it while flapping wildly, trying to follow along with a Tracy Anderson butterfly workout routine. 

The Impero Toothbrush Cup: $145
Best for: Literally the most boring person you know.

GOOP listed this gift in a guide for "The Doer." I don't want to judge, but if "brushing your teeth" is on your bucket list, you might want to realign your priorities. Reach for the stars. Why not get crazy and floss?

The Himalayan Rock Salt Grater: $29.95Best for: Your pretentious sister-in-law. 

She'll love to grate fresh Himalayan salt while telling you all about her gluten sensitivity. 

A Custom Photograph of One of Your Belongings: $1,200
Best for: Someone who doesn't believe in shelves. 

Why keep a cherished memento when you can give someone $1,200 to take a creepy picture that you could have snapped with your iPhone? 

Ooh, extra points if the item pictured IS YOUR IPHONE.

The Pacha Series Dreamcatcher: Custom Pricing
Best for: The kid who still thinks there are monsters under his bed.

Don't worry Billy, we'll hang this thing that looks exactly like the girl from The Ring above your head. You're safe now. 

The Cedes Milano Toothpaste Squeezer: $245
Best for: The fingerless snob

Ugh, fingers, amiright? They're so plebeian. 

And honestly, anything with the word "squeezer" in the title is not worth more than $5. Ever. 

The Devi Steam Seat: $55
Best for: Your oversharing friend

I'll buy you this if you promise to never say "vaginal steam" again. 

The Vintage Ball and Chain: $1,500
Best for: Your significant other

The perfect way to remind your spouse what a tremendous mistake he or she made in marrying you. 

The Space Exploration Balloon Trip: $90,000
Best for: Anyone you wish would leave and never come back.

Enjoy your trip to space in a hot air balloon, jerk.

That's it for this year, folks. As always, let's thank the Queen of "Why Don't They Like Me?" for her inspired choices.

Christmas. It's about spending.

Trashy Halloween Contest Winner AND What I Wore: Thank All That is Holy October is Over

Yay you guys! The winner of the trashiest of all Halloween costume was actually a tie and somehow that warms my heart! As it turns out, Sexy Ronald McDonald AND Sexy Rosie the Riveter are equally as offensive, so Lauren and Anna, email me at nomoremomjeans (at) gmail to claim your prizes!

My Halloween was awesome, but only because this is what my daughter decided to be:

(Maximize the screen for maximum awesomeness.) She's 9, people. And her life dream is to become a paleontologist and when she this costume, it was over. I was forced to shell out $50 and constantly inflate her all day long to get this to work.

Not gonna lie, that Halloween felt like it lasted longer than Christmas and I'm glad October is over.

Also, because I'm into multitasking, here are outfit details for the month of October. MAN AM I EFFICIENT.

I went shopping with friends and all four of us bought this sweatshirt moto jacket. It was honestly like $17 and it's fantastic for when you want to look a little put-together but also not super fancy. Also, it's SWEATSHIRT material. 

T-shirt: VS Pink (cute!) (similar)

Jacket: CP Lounge via TJ Maxx (similar) (similar)

Jeans: Calvin Klein (here)

Shoes: Nike (similar)

Okay, sometimes I don't do my hair. So sue me. A big, fat bun and a hairband is my go-to when I don't feel like doing anything, ever. This outfit was for a Wednesday, when I had to be to a couple of meetings and also at my kids' school. It was a pretty solid balance. I bought the shirt and vest at the same time  but didn't plan on wearing them together until I noticed how much I loved the plaid on plaid thing, therefore encouraging all Canadian lumberjack stereotypes. 

Short: Gap (here) I loooove the fit of these boyfriend shirts. 

Vest: Okay, it's from Gap too (similar)

Jeans: Calvin Klein (here)

Boots: Frye (12R, here)

I had planned to wear a completely different outfit this day but it didn't work. And when outfits don't work, you throw on a dress and jacket and call it good. Also, I wanted these shoes foreeeeeeeeever and finally got them and now I can't stop wearing them!

Dress; Dorothy Perkins (this one is so cute!) (love this too)

Jacket: H&M (here)

Shoes: Calvin Klein (here, mine are a dark burgundy and they will look sooo good with jeans.)

I'm not normally very matchy matchy, but I couldn't resist when I realized that I had a top and a pair of shoes in the same super-bright orangey-red. Ehhh one time won't hurt anything. Let's just not make it a habit. 

Shirt: Calvin Klein (here) I officially own one million of these shirts. 

Skirt: Urban Wear (it's super old) (super cheap) (so cute I might die)

Shoes: Charlotte Russe (here)

I believe this day was errand-ing and it was probably the most glorious fall day of all time. Naturally, I wanted to drive around with the sunroof down so I had to wear a hat. Also because my hair was messy but we don't need to talk about that shhhh. 

Sweater: Abound (I super love this one) (similar)

Pants: Calvin Klein (do I own anything else anymore??) I bought these last year but they're back at CK outlets)

Shoes: White Mountain (this year's)

Hat: Kate Landry (similar and cheap!)

Off I go to face November. I will not think about Christmas. I will not think about Christmas.

Jae's Annual Trashy Halloween Costume Contest 2015

You know I couldn't ever abandon what very may well be the best costume contest in the United States. Maybe the world?

You guys know the drill; we've been doing this for the past five years. Vote for what you think is the trashiest/worst instance of sexifying inanimate objects/children's characters/actual cultures and we'll award the winner a $25 gift card to Target.

And, since I also get annual hate mail from this, can I make a point very quickly? So, I have a (female) friend who works in law enforcement. So I get super annoyed when I see sexy cops parading around every Halloween because I know it makes her job that much harder, especially in a male-dominated industry. Sometimes, it's harmless fun, but sometimes, it's reallllly setting us back a few decades, females. Stop this.

Also, I just think sexy costumes are THE WORST. Like I've said one million times before, if you want to use Halloween as an excuse to attend a party in your underpants, please choose a costume that is inherently sexy so I don't need to explain to my kids why Spongebob isn't wearing his titular square pants.

So there's my shpiel. Hate mail away. Here are this year's entries.

This is Katie's entry. Her name is Donna T. Rumpshaker and is apparently supposed to be sexy Donald Trump. Instead, all I see is Paula Poundstone in hot shorts. Man, that was a really old reference, you might need to go ahead and Google Paula Poundstone. 

Actually, don't. She was super messed up. Just take my word for it. 

Sexy mime from Sarah F. Because, you know, it's so much sexier if women just don't talk. 

IS NOTHING SACRED? As the sister to four brothers, I grew up with Transformers. If I ever tried to sexify transformers, my brothers would probably do this thing where one of them sat on me and the other ones tapped my forehead until I cried which was a common occurrence in my childhood home. So, unless you want to enact that type of torture, you should probably leave Optimus Prime alone. (Thanks, Kara!) 

Sexy goldfish. Spoiler alert: She gets flushed down the toilet in the morning. 

(Thanks, Jenn!) 

Because regular Ronald McDonald isn't enough to give you nightmares. (From Anna!) 

Who in their right mind is like "Yes that orange slice? So sexy right now." 

Like, I know there are a lot of weird fetishes out there but man, orange slices? It kind of makes me worried for the future of our children. (Thanks, Sarah L.)

At first, I thought this was sexy falafel but then I noticed she was wearing the world's tiniest sombrero so I now I see it's sexy taco with just a sprinkling of Latino cultural appropriation. (Thank you kindly, Amy.) 

Who says you need pants to celebrate a feminist icon? Isn't this what we've worked for, ladies? 

(Thanks, Lauren.)

T'is the season to celebrate cultural icons like this Sexy Pizza Rat. I bet real Pizza Rat is just really enjoying his 15 minutes of fame oh wait he's not because he's a rat and doesn't have Internet access. 

(Thanks, BeQui!) 

It took me a minute on this one, but I learned that because of the teeny tiny logo at the hem of the dress that this is sexy Brian from Family Guy.

Yes. That's what it is. 

(From Jessica)

Alright, that's the worst of 'em! Thanks to everyone who played this year! I'll leave voting open until Monday morning because let's be honest, that's when I'll get around to posting again. In the meantime, my kid has a volleyball practice (ON HALLOWEEN WHAT EVEN IS THIS) and then I have to tidy my main floor to assuage the judgement of parents whose kids will trick-or-treat at my house tonight. Worst holiday ever, amiright? 

What I Wore: September Remix

I slept in a hoodie last night, so that means one thing and one thing only: Time to wear fall clothes without sweating. Man you guys I am so excited about that. AND I've been on a month-long shopping diet (which I only broke to buy this, this, and this BUT IT DOESN'T COUNT) and I'm done this weekend. And yes, I am planning to break that shopping fast in a major way on a weekend-long bender. And yes, I am aware that it totally negates any benefit of going on a shopping diet.

I spent the month of September remixing stuff that I already own. I know. The horror. I also lopped off a good five inches of hair and it's been lovely. 

Top: Local boutique but here's a close one. 

Jeans: Jolt (I bought these for dirt cheap on sale and I've been wearing them alllllll the time)

Boots: Frye (here on sale!) These have been, hands down, my fave purchase of the summer. And when I say "my face purchase" I obviously mean "fave purchase my husband made). 

Since school has been back, I've spent a day a week helping with reading in my kids' classes. And one time, I helped with math in my daughter's 4th grade class and afterwards realized I had taught them how to do it all wrong. Thanks, common core. Anyway, I've been living in jeans and boots since I've been crawling around classrooms and sitting on the floor a lot. 

Top: Calvin Klein (here) 

Skirt: F21 (I've had this for like five years and it's still going strong. Similar, similar)

Shoes: Charlotte Russe (here)

I'm not gonna lie, this is the picture that inspired me to cut my hair off. It was just looking super straggly at the ends and needed a refresh, so I made an appointment and headed in the next day. Also, I'm actually wearing lipstick in this picture, which is something that basically never happens. I use Nars Velvet Matte Lipstick Pencil in Cruella. A good red is so hard to find and this one is just dark enough to avoid looking garish. And (don't ask me how I know this) it looks equally as good on my olive-skinned daughter as it does on super pink-fair me. 

I love a good before and after!

Top: Local boutique (here it is in navy) (loving this one)

Pants: Calvin Klein (similar -- I have these and I love them and recommend them to everyone)

Boots: Frye (here)

So I obviously wore this to my hair appointment. When I got there I was like "Ehhhh do you have time to touch up my highlights too?" and it ended up being a blonde overhaul. I'm looooving the ashier tone and plan to go just a touch lighter next time. I told my husband I'll eventually just show up with white hair. Anyway, I brought this picture with me when I got the cut and am super happy with the way it turned out. It's one of the better cuts I've ever gotten, and I change my hair A LOT. 

Top: Arizona (here)

Jeans: Calvin Klein (here)

Jacket: Calvin Klein (this season's is gray and I need it, right?)

Boots: Frye 

Cuff: Frye 

Here's what I've learned about doing head-to-toe black: It really only looks good with high-quality(ish) pieces. I love wearing all black, but there needs to be some variance in texture or you'll look crazy and texture usually comes along with better clothes. The texture on these boots with the smooth jeans and the leather jacket make me a lot happier than my black clothes would let on. It's not something I would do everyday, but it's kind of refreshing and makes me feel just a little powerful. Plus, you know what they say: Once you go black.... you enjoy it immensely and put it on rotation for when you want people to generally leave you alone. 

Also, lob + messy curl = love forever. 

Top: stoosh (here)

Jeans: Calvin Klein (here)

Boots: Ardene (similar)

Cuff: Frye 

Most of my work meetings happen via video call at my desk, so I don't even have to wear pants if I don't feel like it. (I do.) (Usually.) But I do occasionally have to meet with clients in-person, like I did this particular day. Working in a creative career means I get some wiggle room with clothing, so I went with a pleasantly clashy white, black, and brown vibe. I need my clothes to say "I'm detail-oriented, but just weird enough to be creative." 

Alright, that's another month on the books. I think I will probably be back on Monday to talk about what I bought on my binge shopping weekend. It's time for fall clothes and I'm excited to get some jackets back in the rotation. I feel like they missed me. 

Random Fashion-Related Thoughts

Aww yeah I'm staring down the barrel of 70-degree temps and I am lovin' every minute of it. I'm gonna wear the CRAP out of my leather jackets because it's supposed to go back up to 80 next week. Utah ugh.

How do we feel about lace-up flats? I'm not a huge fan of lace up heels (maybe it's because I haven't found the right pair but they always seem trashy to me. I could maybe get on board with these) but lace up flats might be OK, right? I feel like these would look super cute with a cropped jean and loose-knit sweater for fall.

Now is the time to buy swimwear, my friends. I've gone on a rampage and had to calm myself when alllllll the swimsuits I've been ogling are on for 75 percent off. My swimsuit collection is getting out of control but how can you not buy them when they're like, $13?

I'm on a shopping diet right now and it's horrible. I only have to make it until the first weekend in October. The first few days I found myself browsing online and feeling nervous and sweaty and then it became so unbearable that I scrounged up an old half-used gift card so I could order something (IT DOESN'T COUNT). Whenever I do a shopping diet it makes me painfully aware of how much I actually shop and it's mildly horrifying.

How glad am I that plaid is super in this fall? I bought this shirt (before the diet started I went on a binge because that's what you do before a diet starts) and it fulfills me. Plaid button-ups have been my jam since I was like, 14 and really into bowling shirts and cargo pants for some reason (not to be confused with my short-sleeve turtleneck phase) (or my too-small overalls phase) (or my sassy phrase T-shirt phase please someone just burn all old pictures of me).

Jae's Law: Whenever I get ready for work and shower and do my hair and slap some makeup on, my video call for that day will inevitably be canceled. If, however, I decide to tempt fate and bank on an audio call, sure enough, I'll see a video call coming through and I'm left feigning technological difficulties while I race around the house and throw on a cardigan and mascara. Also, it means I look nothing like my superprofessionalglamorshot and I can feel clients' confusion when a bespectacled, bebunned person pops on their screens.

I'm getting a haircut this week. My ends are fried. I'm thinking a lob (long bob)? I'm really feeling this one. Or maybe I'm just feeling Chrissy Teigen. Thoughts?

So can we declare the summer of the romper over? I understand that people think they're comfortable but a) they give everyone wedgies and b) we still have not resolved the fact that in order to pee, you have to get naked. Which, whatever, if you want to do that in your own home that's fine just make sure your blinds are closed. But in a McDonald's bathroom?

We are having a lively discussion about ironic mom jeans WHICH ARE A THING THIS FALL on my Facebook page. Feel free to weigh in unless your opinion is that mom jeans are chic and timeless, in which case you can leave forever and never come back. 

.
Okay, I think that fulfills my needs to word vomit fashion-related topics for the month.

What I Wore: August Rush

Can we talk about how much I love my children, but how much I love that my house is so quiet around 8:30 am every morning now? They started back to school and I'm just left here working and having full conversations with my dog.

We packed a ton of stuff into August, because it's usually the time I start feeling guilty about not doing enough summer activities before school starts. We've hit up museums, waterparks, boating, and we just got back from Yellowstone (which was beautiful but far too much physical activity for an actual vacation).

Now that things are calming down, I'm just waiting for the weather to change so I can start wearing actual outfits again. I can only do so much with a T-shirt and jeans. It's too hot for layering. Utah, feel free to get it together anytime.

Top: H&M (similar) (similar) 

Skirt: Local boutique - you can buy online though! (here) (considering this one next!)

Boots: Frye Isa (here) Seriously the detail on these makes me die (cheaper option)

Necklace: Nordstrom (similar) (this one is literally $4)

Bracelets: Marc Jacbos, Ardene (Canada)

This is the first time I got to wear my new Frye boots that my lovely husband bought for my birthday. Seriously you guys, one pair of Fryes is like a gateway pair. Then you can't stop buying them forever because other boots feel terrible. My advice is to not start at all. I got them in July, but it's been too warm to really wear anything but flip flops. I cheated the system and wore them to a Shania Twain concert (because obviously) and then with a skirt the next day. I am a devious genius. I cannot wait to start wearing them with any sort of regularity. I just went fall pants shopping (I KNOW IT'S TOO EARLY) and got some black skinnies that these will look suh cyut with.

Top: Calvin Klein (print is gone, same fit)

Pants: Calvin Klein (similar)

Shoes: Dollhouse (similar) (sparkly!) 

Necklace: F21 (similar) (waaaaant) 

I'm reasonably sure I wore this to go see Shaun the Sheep with my kids, which BY THE WAY is friggin' adorable. My husband was so embarrassed because I have a loud theater laugh and there were only like, three other people there. But man there is just something about sheep and British stop motion movies amiright? 

Top: H&M (one of the five that I now own of this exact shirt. Please send help and also money to buy more shirts.)

Skirt: Old Navy and very old and the only thing I've ever bought from there that didn't end up horribly disfigured after laundering (similar) (plus)

Shoes: Soda and also very old (similar) (yes please)

I'll never get tired of semi-nautical style and I just really wanted a chance to wear these shoes again because they're so fun but look exceedingly patriotic when worn with the wrong clothes. Luckily, I have a neverending supply of these H&M tops and the light blue offset the red, white, and blue a little. So, you know, it's necessary to keep buying them. 

T-shirt: Decree (here) It's $9 and probably the perfect-est white tee I've ever owned. 

Jeans: Calvin Klein (here but no zippers :( 

Boots: Dexflex @ Payless (similar) (wedge)

Necklace: Nordstrom 

Bracelet: My son picked it out for my birthday. He has excellent taste for a 6-year-old. 

OK,OK so this was yesterday and technically September, but you'll probably notice that consistency is not my strongest point. I wore this out to lunch with my husband for his birthday. He is super private about his personal life at work, but we ran into basically his entire office while out to lunch, so I sneaked over and told his boss that it was his birthday. I got an accusatory text an hour later, when 20 people were in his office singing "Happy Birthday." Suckaaaaaaa.

Also, I bought these boots on a whim like, four months ago and this is the first time I've ever worn them. I think I only paid like $15 for them, which is about what you should spend on novelty stuff like leopard-print booties. They only really look good with jeans and a T-shirt. Everything else just comes off as vampy. So basically what I'm saying is bootie buyer beware. 

Remember that you can always see outfits over on Instagram (@nomoremomjeans) and I have some product reviews on the docket too. I'm trying to think up a couple of good fall-related posts but it's only September 2nd and I might be getting ahead of myself. Seriously, these 94-degree days are killing me inside.

What I Wore: Summer Days

It's pretty fitting that I would write this post on a cold, rainy day. It's the first day in like, three weeks that I'll wear something other than a swimsuit, which would explain an extreme lack of outfit pictures over the last two months. It's been too hot to consider something other than like, swimwear and a very, very light coverup.

My son's new school backpack came in the mail on Saturday and he's been asking me when school starts every hour, on the hour since then. I know that feel, bud. Summer break is over in less than three weeks and I'm excited to get back to a normal routine. I love routines. Routines are my jam. They mean predictability and I enjoy that immensely. And then you can expect outfit pics again.

Until then, I'm combining June and July, which were crazy travel, play, and birthday months.

Top: J. Crew Factory (here's the style but the color was found in store) (similar)

Jeans: Calvin Klein (here)

Sandals: Antic - sold out online but I bought them at Zumiez (similar)

Watch: XOXO (similar)

My daughter plays softball, so I basically lived at the ballpark for June. She had two games a week, plus whatever practices, and this is what I wore to a double header. Have you even been to a double header softball game for 9-year-old girls? IT'S THE WORST. 

Shirt: Gap (seasonal) 

Jacket: Calvin Klein (here)

Jeans: Calvin Klein (here)

Shoes: Airwalk (here)

Yes, I bought another moto jacket. This one is a super light denim and I cannot wait to wear it through the fall because it fits beautifully and is now the twin to my black leather one. The jacket obsession is real, you guys. Also, my husband talked me into buying these faded jeans which I thought were going to be weird but ended up being my favorite jeans this summer. When I do wear jeans. Which is like, never because pants are too hot. 

Top: H&M (here)

Skirt: White House Black Market (similar) (omg so cute)

Shoes: Charlotte Russe (similar) (wedge!)

I'm not gonna lie, guys: I loved this shirt I bought it four different colors/patterns. It's just such a nice break from wearing T-shirts every day and the fit is adorable. Also, I am usually diehard about pencil skirts, but a full A-line is so darn ladylike it makes me want to throw a tea party or something. 

Shirt: MNG (here)

Jeans: Calvin Klein (here)

Sandals: Soda (similar) (love these)

One of my core personality traits that I take a lot of flack for is being "aloof." I don't try to do it. Most of the times I'm just in my own head space and don't really go out of my way to be everyone's BFF. So sue me. My husband says it's intimidating. So basically, when I saw this "Snob" shirt, I had to buy it. I felt like it was an accurate way to set up expectations before I offended someone by being purposelessly distant. 

Shirt: H&M (here)

Shorts: Tommy Hilfiger (here)

Sandals: Montego Bay (similar) (similar)

I wore this while shopping on a Saturday and yes, that's the same H&M shirt as above, just in a different pattern. Ugh I love it too much. When I bought it, the checkout girl was wearing the same one and we were both like "RIGHT?! Right." I love a little preppy nauticalness. 

Top: JCPenney (here and cheap!)

Jeggings: Walmart (I KNOW)
Sandals: Antic - sold out online but I bought them at Zumiez (similar)

Talk about your sleeper hit: I've literally bought seven pairs of these jeggings. I'm not exaggerating at all. They're just super fun and come in a ton of colors and patterns and they're super light, so they've been bearable to wear during the heat. I kid you not, when I was in Canada, I wore these with a neon top like, 8 out of 10 days and my brother was like "Do you just have aneverending supply of those?" For $11, I just grab a pair whenever I see a new pattern when I'm buying milk. Yasssss. 

Top: Lily White (similar) (similar)

Skirt: Old Navy (love this one)

Sandals" Sanuk (here)

Sunglasses: Ray-Ban (here)

The real story here are my Sanuks, which never left my feet in Toronto and were the best ever. We walked all over the the place and these babies were so comfy the whole time, plus they're just a little different than your typical flip flop. 

Can we also discuss what humidity does to my hair? 

Oh hey, I turned 31 on this day. GO ME! We spent the entire day (which was also our 12th anniversary) wakeboarding and tubing, which is pretty much all I ever want to do. Also, my husband bought me this adorable swimsuit as part of my bday present. You can find it here. 

Top: Victoria's Secret (they have them in a bazillion colors -- it's one of the Varsity tees)

Shorts: Celebrity Pink (here)
Shoes: Soda (here)

Finally, an uber casual look I wore when hanging out with my family. I liked these shorts, but the pockets were kind of bunchy so I went through and cut them out. Then, we were out shopping and I put my cell phone in my pocket and it dropped right to the floor because I'm super fprgetful and couldn't figure out why it was happening. So there's your cautionary tale for the day: Don't cut out pockets and put your iPhone down your pants, kids. 

Alright, I'm signing off for a bit. It's been a slice as usual. I'm not going to get all fashion bloggy on you and be like "YES fall is coming" but seriously, outfits are so much more interesting when layers are involved. Le sigh.