Jae's Annual Trashy Halloween Costume Contest 2015

You know I couldn't ever abandon what very may well be the best costume contest in the United States. Maybe the world?

You guys know the drill; we've been doing this for the past five years. Vote for what you think is the trashiest/worst instance of sexifying inanimate objects/children's characters/actual cultures and we'll award the winner a $25 gift card to Target.

And, since I also get annual hate mail from this, can I make a point very quickly? So, I have a (female) friend who works in law enforcement. So I get super annoyed when I see sexy cops parading around every Halloween because I know it makes her job that much harder, especially in a male-dominated industry. Sometimes, it's harmless fun, but sometimes, it's reallllly setting us back a few decades, females. Stop this.

Also, I just think sexy costumes are THE WORST. Like I've said one million times before, if you want to use Halloween as an excuse to attend a party in your underpants, please choose a costume that is inherently sexy so I don't need to explain to my kids why Spongebob isn't wearing his titular square pants.

So there's my shpiel. Hate mail away. Here are this year's entries.

This is Katie's entry. Her name is Donna T. Rumpshaker and is apparently supposed to be sexy Donald Trump. Instead, all I see is Paula Poundstone in hot shorts. Man, that was a really old reference, you might need to go ahead and Google Paula Poundstone. 

Actually, don't. She was super messed up. Just take my word for it. 

Sexy mime from Sarah F. Because, you know, it's so much sexier if women just don't talk. 

IS NOTHING SACRED? As the sister to four brothers, I grew up with Transformers. If I ever tried to sexify transformers, my brothers would probably do this thing where one of them sat on me and the other ones tapped my forehead until I cried which was a common occurrence in my childhood home. So, unless you want to enact that type of torture, you should probably leave Optimus Prime alone. (Thanks, Kara!) 

Sexy goldfish. Spoiler alert: She gets flushed down the toilet in the morning. 

(Thanks, Jenn!) 

Because regular Ronald McDonald isn't enough to give you nightmares. (From Anna!) 

Who in their right mind is like "Yes that orange slice? So sexy right now." 

Like, I know there are a lot of weird fetishes out there but man, orange slices? It kind of makes me worried for the future of our children. (Thanks, Sarah L.)

At first, I thought this was sexy falafel but then I noticed she was wearing the world's tiniest sombrero so I now I see it's sexy taco with just a sprinkling of Latino cultural appropriation. (Thank you kindly, Amy.) 

Who says you need pants to celebrate a feminist icon? Isn't this what we've worked for, ladies? 

(Thanks, Lauren.)

T'is the season to celebrate cultural icons like this Sexy Pizza Rat. I bet real Pizza Rat is just really enjoying his 15 minutes of fame oh wait he's not because he's a rat and doesn't have Internet access. 

(Thanks, BeQui!) 

It took me a minute on this one, but I learned that because of the teeny tiny logo at the hem of the dress that this is sexy Brian from Family Guy.

Yes. That's what it is. 

(From Jessica)

Alright, that's the worst of 'em! Thanks to everyone who played this year! I'll leave voting open until Monday morning because let's be honest, that's when I'll get around to posting again. In the meantime, my kid has a volleyball practice (ON HALLOWEEN WHAT EVEN IS THIS) and then I have to tidy my main floor to assuage the judgement of parents whose kids will trick-or-treat at my house tonight. Worst holiday ever, amiright?