Deciphering Gwyneth Paltrow's Annual GOOP Gift Guide

Yes, it's that time of year again. That time when Gwyneth Paltrow reminds us why we all hate her so. As you fight over toaster ovens in a Black Friday stampede, she's grating Himalayan rock salt and loving her children more than you.

And because I understand that not everyone has the sophisticated palate that it takes to decipher a gift guide of such high caliber, it is I who have made the courageous sacrifice to page through and assign the proper recipient for each gift. I like to think that someone like me–yes, someone who orders double caramel sundaes at McDonalds–truly understands what it's like to live in the lap of luxury to a point where Christmas is when you have the opportunity to make even giving all about yourself.

I feel ya, Gwyn. We're kindred souls, you and I. Cosmic fist bump. Conscious solidarity.

The Canoe Condom Dispenser: $42
Best for: Your Slippery-Fingered Husband

Why not give birth control the same treatment as that crusty nickel holder in your old Geo Metro?

The Hock Design Gold-Plated Dumbbells: $125,000Best for: Anyone with a blatant disregard for charity in general. 

Hmmmm pay for access to fresh water in a third-world country, or grab a pair Richard Simmons-heavy dumbbells so you can mall walk with your friends?

This Crappy Fire Starter Kit: $16
Best for: That one friend who apparently doesn't have 9,000 craft sticks lying around like the rest of humankind. 

GOOP said this would be a great Secret Santa gift. Surprise! Your Secret Santa doesn't know anything about you, nor does she care. Here's a fancy bag of wood chips. Enjoy.

Tracy Anderson Workout Streaming: $90 per month (Or a steal at $475 per year)
Best for: White people. 

Just. White people. 

The Live the Process Unitard: $260Best for: You, while drunkenly recreating your 1994 dance recital to "Good Vibrations." 

Because it's pretty much the last time you actually heard the word "unitard." Extra points if you wear it while flapping wildly, trying to follow along with a Tracy Anderson butterfly workout routine. 

The Impero Toothbrush Cup: $145
Best for: Literally the most boring person you know.

GOOP listed this gift in a guide for "The Doer." I don't want to judge, but if "brushing your teeth" is on your bucket list, you might want to realign your priorities. Reach for the stars. Why not get crazy and floss?

The Himalayan Rock Salt Grater: $29.95Best for: Your pretentious sister-in-law. 

She'll love to grate fresh Himalayan salt while telling you all about her gluten sensitivity. 

A Custom Photograph of One of Your Belongings: $1,200
Best for: Someone who doesn't believe in shelves. 

Why keep a cherished memento when you can give someone $1,200 to take a creepy picture that you could have snapped with your iPhone? 

Ooh, extra points if the item pictured IS YOUR IPHONE.

The Pacha Series Dreamcatcher: Custom Pricing
Best for: The kid who still thinks there are monsters under his bed.

Don't worry Billy, we'll hang this thing that looks exactly like the girl from The Ring above your head. You're safe now. 

The Cedes Milano Toothpaste Squeezer: $245
Best for: The fingerless snob

Ugh, fingers, amiright? They're so plebeian. 

And honestly, anything with the word "squeezer" in the title is not worth more than $5. Ever. 

The Devi Steam Seat: $55
Best for: Your oversharing friend

I'll buy you this if you promise to never say "vaginal steam" again. 

The Vintage Ball and Chain: $1,500
Best for: Your significant other

The perfect way to remind your spouse what a tremendous mistake he or she made in marrying you. 

The Space Exploration Balloon Trip: $90,000
Best for: Anyone you wish would leave and never come back.

Enjoy your trip to space in a hot air balloon, jerk.

That's it for this year, folks. As always, let's thank the Queen of "Why Don't They Like Me?" for her inspired choices.

Christmas. It's about spending.