Freaky Friday

 Like, I don't want to jinx my life or anything, but I had a really good week. Just super laid-back and simple and I got a tan and read my books and yesterday I fell asleep on my porch with my mouth open while my kids played on the Slip and Slide. Like YES this is summer.

Next week we've planned a little "staycation" (ugh that word is up there with "fashionista" for annoyance) at the resort that I stayed at 12 years ago when I was visiting Utah and my husband asked me on our first date. It seems kind of funny that we're heading back there with two kids in tow with 11 years of marriage on the books. I plan to repeatedly give the employees there the thumbs up and congratulate them on a job well done.

There might be some suggestive eyebrows too.

But for now, there is house cleaning and folding laundry because life.

For the smooth price of like $200, you too can look like you accidentally fell into a time machine and don't know how computers work. 

 This skirt looks like a Muppet. And I actually really enjoy Muppets. Should I buy it?

 The logistics of this shoe baffle me. Like, isn't the whole point of flip flops the fact that you can keep them by the door and slip them on without having to stuff your leg into a tube sock add-on?

 The other day I was in a department store that shall remain unnamed and the regional manager or something was there. She was probably like, 55, and touring the store with a whole entourage and she stopped at a fringe vest and was like "Oh, I like this display." And one of her entourage, who was also in her 50s piped up about how "the kids" like to wear these vests to festivals, like the one "I think is called Bonaroo."

So let it be known, weird hippy teen festival-goers: Your fashion is being chosen by some middle-aged women in Utah. NOT SO COOL AFTER ALL, HUH?

 When I saw this shirt, I immediately started itching my neck. Now it's all red. 

 I can't look at this and NOT see boob sunglasses. 

 This looks like Lady Gaga's interpretation of a sexy doctor. 

I can see it as the opening for her next music video: 

"I'm sorry to tell you that you have a serious case of funk, so I'm prescribing you some soul."

"Also, you have herpes."

Sometimes I see fashion and I'm just like "Mmmmokay good luck with that." Like yeah, good luck with your giant short-sleeve puffy rosette coat. Good luck finding somewhere to wear that and someone to admit they know you. No, really. Good luck. 

Welp, my house hasn't been vacuumed in like, three weeks so I'd better get on that. Hope your Friday is more glamorous than mine! 

Today in "Awful Trends That Shouldn't Have Happened in the First Time" News....

YOU GUYS.

I was at Macy's the other day (in my great search for the perfect sunglasses that lasted like, three weeks) and I encountered a horrifying sight.

There, parked in the foyer of the store, was a huge display of...

MINI. BACKPACKS.

Like, just take a moment to let that soak in. 

They looked like this:

....and they were $250.

Say it isn't SO! Mini backpacks were a terrible idea in 1998 and I don't know why they're back.

When I was 14, I saved all of the money I made from cleaning my aunt's house (which was a pricey $20 per week) to purchase what I understood to be the height of fashion back in 1998 – a mini backpack. It was $19.99 and it was beautiful. In fact, my two best friends and I all bought the same one so we could be stylin' when we were chauffeured to the mall by our parents for the afternoon. We would eat Chinese food in the food court and buy all of the plastic accessories and baby t-shirts with sassy sayings on them that we could handle. All while keeping our chore money and Bonne Bell stowed safely in our randomly tiny backpacks with leather straps. And just because I know you're dying to know, they were brown and navy plaid and inexplicably furry.

Do you notice the key fact about the above story?

I'll give you a hint. What the heck, I'll just tell you. This isn't a mystery book. It's the fact that it was 1998 and I was 14.

If these two factors are true for you, I'll congratulate you for both understanding how to operate electronic devices and discovering the secret to time travel. Because those are the only two reasons anyone should ever be able to wear a mini backpack. Ever. In the history of mankind.

I always cringe when I see a grown woman wearing a mini backpack. First of all, they're so tiny that they make everyone look massive in comparison. I was probably a size 0 at age 14, and I still wandered around looking like a complete linebacker with my tiny backpack. Add 16 years and two pregnancy's worth of baby fat to the mix and wearing a mini backpack would in fact make me look like the Incredible Hulk.

Secondly, they are super unnecessary. It's like the designer of the mini backpack took a look at a regular backpack and said, "You know what would be cool? If we shrunk this down to an eighth of its size so it was both harder to access and infinitely less convenient for storing anything other than child-sized Chapstick." 

Then he instantly created a miracle and we all have mini backpacks stored in the attic.

To me, the mini backpack is as completely offensive as the fanny pack. And we all know how lame fanny packs are, despite designers constantly trying to make them cool and the fact that Samantha wore one on "Sex and the City." Some things are never cool, no matter how much positive PR they've had.

Mini backpacks and fanny packs are the Charlie Sheen of the fashion world. He could save 500 children from a burning building and people would still be like, "Ehh…"

Don't lower your standards. If you had a complete lapse of sense and in fact purchased a $250 designer mini backpack, please immediately gift your mini backpack to your time-traveling teenager or donate it to someone who enjoys a lack of storage and the necessity of removing one's backpack every time one needs to get a debit card. 

As for wearing it, let's remember the Cardinal Rule of Trends: If you wore it the first time it was popular, you don't get to do it again. Particularly if you were 14 during the last cycle.

In the meantime, Michael Kors and I are going to have words.  

So, sound off: A) Did you ever have a mini backpack? And B) Did you immediately kill it with fire once you realized how ridiculous it was?

What I Wore: Birthday Girl

 I'm home and it's amazing! While I'm pretty outgoing, I consider myself to be an introvert, especially when it comes to being around other people. I'll join the group and have fun, but being with others completely drains me and I need to recharge with alone time.

So it only makes sense that I would go and help run a camp for 400 girls for five straight days, right? I shared a cabin with 20 people, taught a workshop, tried to explain to 200 girls at a time how to make a bracelet (which wasn't frustrating AT ALL), forgot matches, and sat out a torrential downpour.

It was totally fun and dirty and exhausting, but what I found to be the most challenging was never being ALONE. When I was finally done and pulled my Jeep off of the mountain where the camp was held, I was literally almost in tears just because for the first time in five days, I was all by myself.

I went home and because my kids were still with their aunt, I enjoyed like, a whole hour of Jae time before my family burst through the door and I was officially recharged. And, since Saturday was my birthday, I didn't have a lot of downtime. We went to my favorite breakfast place first thing and then spent the day shopping for new sunglasses (I could not have been MORE indecisive but ended up with a sweet pair of Wayfarers) and then my husband and I went out for our anniversary dinner (yes, we got married on my birthday) and for a little more shopping. SO basically, it was my perfect day. Shopping + Food = Happy Jae.

On the way home, we stopped to grab a cake for my family birthday dinner, and ended up with this giant hamburger, which I couldn't stop laughing at. My kids basically thought it was the best thing ever.

So yeah. Lots of camping, a seriously well-deserved nap, almost crying from relief, hamburger cake, 11th anniversary, and turning 30. That's what I did last week.

Oh. I also wore this:

Top: American Eagle (similar)

Skirt (Arden B) (similar) (also pretty close!) (plus)
Shoes: Nine West (similar) (these are adorable) (sassypants)

Cuff: c/o Wizards of the West

Earrings: F21 (here)

I'm totally craving my routine again, which always happens when I'm away. It felt sooo good to fire up my computer and eat toast while checking my email this morning. YES I am aware of how sad that sounds. What can I say? After 30 years, old habits die hard. 

Freaky Friday

Happy 4th, everyone! Don't worry, I'm not blaspheming and writing this on a holiday. It's scheduled. I'm stealthy like that. I'm probably off boating, which makes me very excited because I just downloaded a behemoth of a book on my Kindle and we are going to have some super special alone time while my husband and kids try to fish. 

Because you know, America. 

Before you head out to your BBQ, however, you might want to be sure you're not wearing any of these. 

 Julie sent me these creepy flesh-colored bootie wedges, which are made infinitely creepier by the addition of decapitated Barbie heads. Why? We may never know. 

 I just want to go on the record and say that Teenage Jae would be ALL OVER this sweater. It would go with my bucket hat, cargo overalls and chunky boots. 

 Meleah sent over these pants which were actually described as bloomers, so there's that. Like, hey what pretend fairy party are you wearing those to, dementia patient? 

 Speaking of fairy parties, she also sent over these pants, which feature a loincloth and remind me of the movie Epic, which was terrible but still made me cry a little. 

Also, Beyonce in that movie was too hilarious. The whole thing was like "Hey sistafriend babychild, I'm the queen of the forest." 

 Gillian sent this dress. This most disturbing part? It's called the "Your Fault" dress. 

YOUR. FAULT.

Just marinade on that for a while. 

 I hate high low skirts in the best of times, but even more so when they make you look like a pumpkin. 

 Quite possibly the most awkward maxi dress ever. Too short, weird pattern and childlike bottomflounce? We have you covered, friend. 

 Suddenly I want to get physical. 

Another Julie (but not the first Julie) sent me these from the Canadian Shopping Channel. So if you're visiting Canada soon, remember things you need to do in this order:
1) Eat poutine (I'm partial to Harvey's)

2) By peach acid wash elasticized pants. 

How did I end up talking about Canada on Independence Day? Ugh, I'm the worst. Anyway, have a great holiday, and freely eat large quantities of potato salad. I feel like that's what your forefathers would have wanted. 

What I Wore: Making Hay

I'm feeling a little frazzled today. I did that thing where you feel stressed about your to-do list and so you write down everything you need to get done so you feel better. But it just made me more stressed. I'm helping to run a girl's camp for 400 teenagers next week and I woke up in a cold sweat at 6 a.m. thinking about tents and what I did with my sleeping bag and how I needed to buy peanut butter to bring with me because I can't live without peanut butter.

Deep breaths. I do have some awesome friends who are helping out, to whom I am eternally grateful and very sorry. But I think I'm going to need a tranquilizer to get through the next week.

Here's one more thing to check off my list:

Skirt: Urban Wear (similar)

Top: Calvin Klein (it's one of  these awesome City T's) (similar)

Jacket: H&M (this season's) (very similar)

Belt: ASOS (similar)

Shoes: Charlotte Russe (similar)
Earrings: F21 (so cheap!)

I'd stay and write something great about this outfit, but right now my kids are still asleep and I have to make hay while the sun shines. Or actually design graphics and invoice clients while the sun shines. Either way. 

Freaky Friday

 There must have been something in the water, because three readers sent me weird Lycra creations screened with body parts. There's a sentence you don't say twice.

Sarah sent this to me, which says "I may look sexy, but I'm also making poop right now." 

 Lindsay sent me this one, which would come in handy if you wanted an instant six pack. 

And also to be followed around by Hannibal Lector. 

 Cari sent me this and was like "Check out that thigh gap!" I'm sensing a new trend this season: Femur gap. So hot right now. 

 What may be the ugliest purse that 100 percent looks like it was hocked up by my parent's cat, Mo. She's scared of everything and lives in the basement and only comes out once a day to eat and glare at you like you're going to sexually harass her before retreating back to the storage room. 

 Y'know, for your side job as a party clown. 

 For some reason, this shirt reminds me of this. 

 How. HOW. Can harem pants be getting uglier over time? This is not OK. That isn't a drop crotch. It's a drop shin. 

Hey sassy scarecrow, whatcha doin'? Standing sassily even though you look like a cat toy? That's cool. 

You guys, I wasn't feeling all that great so I stayed home in my pajamas and watching like, seven episodes of Drop Dead Diva. I feel bad for my children so I have to go take them somewhere fun today, le sigh. And by somewhere fun, I obviously mean somewhere they can have fun while I pursue a relationship with my Kindle. It's meaningful.

Happy weekend, friends! 

3 Ways to Wear a Kimono Top

If you haven't noticed kimono tops in every store right now, you probably haven't been shopping in a while. Because I was like, punched in the face with them repeatedly over the weekend. And I bought two. Because guess what? They're kind of perfect for summer, even if they seem a little weird and shapeless at first.

They're obviously not a direct representation of actual kimonos, but rather chiffon tops that are drapey, open and have large sleeves. So like a sexy robe that you only wear when your kids aren't around. But you can wear it (with clothes please) to the grocery store. Score! They're comfy, light and super pretty.

I think the trick with kimonos is that you need to balance them with a pretty sleek look underneath. Too much loose-ness and you're in patchouli burger territory. Instead, use it as a romantic-type topper on an otherwise fitted look.

And, if you're like "What the heck am I going to do with a kimono top?" I have some ideas for you.

1. Casual Date

Boohoo floral chiffon kimono / Mango blue jeans / Miss Selfridge clothing /
Aldo shoes / ALDO pink purse / Wet Seal bangle bracelet / Gold jewelry

How pretty would this be out to dinner? Answer: Very pretty. See how the rest of the outift is basic? Cami, jeans, flats. So easy. Throw on some huge bangles and you have a really simple boho look without going completely crazy. It kind of takes the place of a blazer or cardigan because honestly who wants a cardigan in the heat?

2. Church or Wedding

NLY Trend scalloped lace top, $30 / Boohoo chiffon kimono /
Dorothy Perkins pattern skirt / High heels stiletto / Dorothy Perkins green handbag /
ALDO ring / ALDO earrings / Miss Selfridge belt

Again, you can wear your kimono with a dress or skirt as long as it's a pretty fitted getup. I tried with all my might to see if I could get it to work with a maxi skirt and I think they only way to do that would be a fitted maxi with a very defined waist and/or belt. Otherwise it's just too much. But with a blush pencil skirt? Like, shut up it's so pretty.

Also, I saw a girl wearing a kimono with bermuda shoes and wedges the other day and it was super adorable, so there you go.

3. Beach

Boohoo chiffon kimono / Topshop black swimsuit / Topshop bathing suits bikini /
 GUESS bow flip flops / Qupid shoes / Hurley purse

Hey, awesome use for your kimono: Wear it to the pool or beach. Real talk here: The wedges would be a bit much for shlepping children to the pool, but so fun for a vacation with the hubs. Otherwise, some cute flip flops and an adorable swimsuit (I'm obsessed with these high-waisted bottoms!) and you're good to go. Added bonus: Some coverage when you're running into the gas station for pistachios which is what happens to me every time.

So, what do you think? Are you going to try this trend or are you happy to send it on its way?