Freaky Friday

Hi Friends! (I thought you guys would find this hilarious, especially with the hipster love everyone's been feeling lately -- "Pretend to be deaf, just like you pretend to be short sighted!")

I am declaring today a "catch up day," where I get all the stuff I didn't have time for the rest of the week done. I have my sights set on laundry, a few episodes of "Vampire Diaries," and a couple of work projects I've had on the back burner. Sorry, shoe-a-day calendar. You did not make the cut and shall remain on June 1st.

Let's check this one off the list!



Lauren sent me these on Facebook, kindly pointing out that when viewed from a certain angle, they look like they have a certain part of anatomy. I apologize in advance.

Also, they're just ugly. Like, a special type of I-do-macrame-and-smell-like-patchouli-ugly.


Saw this on Pinterest as a way to "upcycle" old Barbie dolls. OK, people. This obsession with upcycling HAS GOT TO STOP. Turning jeans into cutoffs, I understand. But slicing the lips off of your kid's toys and wearing them around your neck makes you look like a cannabalistic serial killer.

I bet you listen to Gotye, too.


These are called - I kid you not - Shoe Condoms. The zebra part is s cover that "protects your heels" with a "conversation piece."

Couple things:
1) I'm sorry, but if you're hanging out in places where your shoes are at risk for STDs, you might want to rethink the company you keep.*

2) Also, does the conversation they inspire go like this? "Um, did you skin a zebra? You deserve an STD."

*And yes, I know that this product is not actually meant to protect against herpes. It's A JOKE. There, that absolves me of anyone getting chlamydia while wearing these. I'm basically a lawyer.


Ohhhhhhhh.






As if you need ANOTHER reason to never wear Crocs ever: Croc-foot.


Oh Chinese Walmart, you so racist!

If you can't read it, this shirt says "Now be a good boy else the black man will come down after you."

Let's just take a moment to absorb that.

Racist cats. So hot right now.


Jessica sent these over. Is anyone else feeling the need to run a marathon?

Also, is it me, or do they look like tiny stripper poles for the littlest strippers?

Oh sweet mother, I just gave TLC an idea for their next reality show.


Jennifer sent over these pants, but what confused me more was the product description, which said these would be great after a low impact workout? Umm, OK, weirdly specific product description. Can I try? "These pants are great for repelling the opposite sex while petting your cat and watching "Say Yes to the Dress" and crying into your lonely pillow every Friday night." See? I can do it too.

Alright, my day of awesome productivity BEGINS. OK, or at least it BEGINS when my in-laws come to get my kids to take them to the movies. Until then, you can find my pouring Froot Loops and wondering why we have so many McDonald's toys to step on.

Great Lengths

Sometimes it's amazing what I spend time thinking about. Like when I have deep thoughts about the length of pants. But with legitimate warm weather starting like, two weeks ago, comes the return of the capri pant.

Now, my hatred for capris is well documented with a highly controversial post. But I'd like to point out that my hatred for said isn't just a whim, it's just because they're so darn unflattering. I saw a comment on another blog about that post and it said "She's just writing that because she doesn't look good in capris." NO! I don't! I'm 5'4" and capris make me look about two feet shorter. I can't afford that.

I don't care if your calves are like toothpicks (and mine are not) capris just widen things out. That's because a true capri pant cuts across the widest part of your calf, stopping your leg short. The result? Short legs, wide calves. I know, it's enticing.

HOWEVER, as much as I eschew capris, I'm not opposed to a pair of Bermudas or a cropped pant.

"But JAE!" You shout at your computer. "How am I supposed to know the difference!?" Calm down. Don't alarm the neighbors. I shall tell you!



These are capris. See how they end right across where the calf is the widest? No bueno. They make the leg look stumpy.


These are crops. See how the pant stops at the slimmest part of the ankle instead? YAY! They make the leg look way slimmer. And SO cute with flats!


Ew.


Here are a pair of true Bermudas. I LOVE THEM. The best part about Bermies is that you can style them like you do a skirt. I love to wear mine with wedges and a dressier top for nighttime in the summer. And, since they stop anywhere between mid-thigh and the knee, you get nice, long line from knee to ankle for super slimming power.


Boo.


These are a capri-bermuda hybrid I found on Pinterest and they totally work. That's because they're cuffed right before the calf starts. Super cute AND an awesome way to make your capris into a more flattering length. See? You don't have to burn them! This with a low wedge and a tee for summer? Perfect.


If you want to give cuffing a shot, here's a perfect example of how to. Take a regular pair of skinny jeans and turn the bottoms up once or twice. They don't have to be perfectly neat. I like to do this when I really want to show off my shoes. If I had these shoes, I would probably just wear them everywhere.

I feel like that should open up your summer options a bit. By all means, show a little leg now that it's warm; just make sure it's the right part of your leg. Length is kind of a big deal when it comes to shorts and crops.

Do you still hate me for hating capris? I promise I have entirely honorable intentions. I just want to eradicate the world of stumpiness... is that so wrong?

What I Wore: Minty Fresh

So I have to tell you about my awful experience shopping at Abercrombie and Fitch last weekend. I know A&F sucks terribly for customer service in general, but I do enjoy their jeans so I usually put up with the AXE Body Spray smell and awful techno music to try on a few pairs. So I was checking stuff out and I had a huge armload of clothes to try on. I looked around for a person to let me in a fitting room (MAJOR pet peeve of mine when shopping: No one at the fitting rooms so you have to wander around looking for someone. It's THE WORST) and I couldn't find anyone. Finally, I spotted a girl with the lanyard around her neck and a key around her wrist, so I walked over. I was like "Hey, can I get a fitting room?" And she was like "Um, if you find someone who is actually on the clock you can."

............. um, what?

Apparently she was on break and decided to be a complete cow instead of pointing me toward someone who could open the stupid fitting room or just doing it herself. I was so ticked off that I walked over to where my sister in law was waiting, told her what happened, and dumped the entire armload of stuff on the nearest table and got the heck out of there.

Like, hey thanks minimum wage earning teenager. I hope you have fun transitioning into the real world where you need social skills and can't live on your mom's credit card but okthanxbye.

Why am I telling you this? Well first, because I'm mad. But second, because I went next door to Downeast and spent all my money instead. And this is one of the things I bought.

And here is me wearing it. Consider it my personal thumb to the nose to the terrible customer service at A&F.

Top: Downeast Basics (where they had lovely customer service)
Jeans: Refuge
Wedges: Charlotte Russe
Earrings: F21
Ring: Inspired Silver
Watch: Gucci (I feel stupid listing this because I wear it daily so I shall stop now)

I was excited by this top because it needed nothing... no cami under, no sweater over, so I could just wear it and be happy. But it was still interesting enough to be more than a plain T. And I was obsessed with the minty color, which didn't photograph well so here's a closeup. lol. I am a profeshunal blogger, y'all!

This is a "me" shirt. It was so "me" that I made them take it off the dang mannequin because they didn't have my size. Any store that will strip a mannequin for me is a happy place.

I'm kind of in love with the green and pink shoes combo for summer. I wore this when me and my friend took our kids to see "Chimpanzee" at the cheap theater. My daughter was in love with the entire thing, and my son lost interest after about 30 seconds. It was oh so relaxing.

Moral of the story, I'm glad the A&F worker was such a flaming jerk because I predict a long and happy life with my minty Downeast shirt instead.

Have you ever had a maddening shopping experience? Vent to me and share in my white hot rage, please?

Also, note that my jeans are cuffed in these pics. Stay tuned for a cuffing lesson on Wednesday! YAY this is what occupies my brain when there are wars going on. I am so shallow.

Freaky Friday: Hipsters

Me and my little brother (who is like 10 feet tall despite being three years younger than me) had a text convo about hipsters. I thought I'd share.

As a precursor, please keep in mind that Marshall is my parent's dog. Jonathan did not throw up on a person. Also, all of his texts are labeled Ton because he might have had what we call a bit of weight problem when he was a child and the name stuck. Sorry, Ton Ton.



Here, I'll make it up to you by proving that you've lost your baby chubs. Readers, one of the above guys is my brother. GUESS!

I'm in the process of trying to marry him off. I'll accept applications or just put him and my other brothers on a weird family edition of "The Bachelor."

ANYWAY! Hipsters.... (I'm in blue, Ton is silver. Colors are so mainstream.)









Seriously, is there anything worse than hipsters? I mean FINE nuclear warfare would be slightly worse, but they're up there. It's not even the clothes that I hate. It's more the superiority complex that makes me want to punch a display of thrift store tweed pants.


Yes, Hipster Ariel. WE KNOW you hate popular stuff. You're SO underground.



It's pretty ironic... you wouldn't get it.

All annoying habits and serial killer music aside, some of hipster fashion is actually bearable. The other stuff just looks like a Goodwill threw up on a homeless person. Observe.


Awesome hipster. Note the use of humor AND irony AND non-douchebaggery. Much love, Jakie-poo.



You are SO right, geriatric hipster.

Let this be a warning to all of you hipsters... Despite dressing in clothes that are 40 years old, you will not age well.



Um, I pretty much want to be this hipster. Those are the ultimate skinny jeans and I might have a slight girl crush.


I'm sorry, I missed the part where crotchtastic boob shorts were hip? I think I might be too old to get it. Wait... does that make me vintage and even MORE hipster? I'M SO CONFUSED.


I WILL have this shaggy hipster haircut. The 80s blazer is AH-mazing, even if she got it at the Salvation Army. And teamed with a sloppy shirt and skinny jeans? Excuse me while I recreate this look IMMEDIATELY. I even love the glasses and shall be buying some soon.

Rock on, hot hipster. Rock on.


Sigh. The Beatles? Really? What a lazy attempt at being a hipster.
"It's the Beatles. They're pretty underground... you've probably never heard of them."
"Um, they're the most popular band in history."
"WHAT!? The guy in the record store told me this was legit! I would have picked it out for myself but I've ruined my eyes by wearing my grandmother's bifocals!"


Audrey Hepburn: The O.H. - Original Hipster. Remember her GAP commercial? Suck it, misunderstood upper middle class teens!


Sure they are.

I know this post just proves that I'm either woefully out of touch with current fashion and pop culture or just more committed to personal hygiene than most hipster 20-somethings. I can't decide which.


Plus, I'm pretty sure I was a hipster back in 1989. Check those glasses, Zooey Deschanel haircut and suspenders, suckas!

Weigh in: How do you really feel about hipster culture? If you're reading this on your Macbook in a coffee shop while drinking chai tea and wearing thrifted flannel, I think we already have your vote, thanks.

How to Shop Sales

Oh, this Monday-less week has taken a toll on me. I feel all backwards and off-schedule and I love my schedule so that's bad. Today I even slept in until 7 am. THE HORROR. I find that when I start off my morning by sleeping in, I tend to be sloth-like all day. My workout just about killed me this morning.

Anyway, the reason for the Monday-less week was obviously Memorial Day. There's always a huge sale that I like to hit the Saturday before Memorial Day, so I naturally went to go check things out. And I think I did well; I got some basic tees, a couple pairs of shoes, and a couple of fun new shirts that's I'm excited about. It made me think about sale shopping in general. Do you guys know how to shop sales?

The trick is to not get too excited. Sale tags are AWESOME, but only when you actually need what you're buying. My father-in-law always says that it's not saving money if you're spending it. He usually says this when I tell him I save $20 on a pair of shoes, so boo to that.



(My shopping triumph last weekend: These $90 Nine West shoes for $14 BOOM)

Anyway, if you want to check out the summer sales without losing your head, here are some of my best tips.

Make a day of it. When you're cruising sales, you're probably going to need to do a lot of browsing, and you can't do that with a crunched timeline. Give yourself a couple of hours, some comfy shoes, and a good friend so you're not cranky and pressed for time while shopping.

Check out different stores. When there's a mall-wide sidewalk sale, it's the perfect time to check out stores and brands that you might not have worn before. When I was shopping over the weekend I picked up an Ann Taylor shirt. And no offense to AT-wearers, but I'd never even thought to shop there before because it's just not my style. Who knew?

Make up outfits. Yeah, that sweater might be a screaming deal, but only if you'll actually wear it. If you can't think of at least two ways to wear a new piece, it might be a good idea to pass. Otherwise, it could end up in that dark corner of your closet where old clothes go to die and that's a waste of money.

Check on return policies. Plenty of sales and clearance items are going to be final sale, so you'd better be sure you love it if you're going to commit. This is not the time for wishy washiness. Ask a store associate about the return policy when you're checking out so you don't get any annoying surprises when the pants you didn't actually try on don't actually fit.

Pick up "hole fillers": Sale shopping is the perfect time to pick up items that fill a gap in your wardrobe. Whether it's a really awesome-fitting shirt, or a new pair of flats, you can't go wrong by doing a little bargain shopping. It'll make you feel like you accomplished something on the cheap. YAY!


Alright, do you have any good tips for sale shopping? What was your best score? I'm always happy with cheap shoes, but I got a screaming deal on a leather jacket during the Nordstrom anniversary sale that I'm way proud of.

What I Wore: Long Weekend

I'm back from Memorial Day shopping and feeling very fulfilled. Nine West was having a big sale and I'm proud to announce that I broke the 120 threshold in my shoe closet with two new pairs of heels. I'll show you them tomorrow!

I love me a long dress for a long weekend. I picked this one up last week because I just can't say no.

This just in: I am in desperate need of a tan.
Dress: Local boutique (Bella Ella)
Jacket: Old Navy
Belt: No clue
Shoes: Roxy
Earrings: F21

I wore this while running errands on Friday. My kids needed new pajamas and I was on the hunt for more kids summer clothes. Chasing after my 3-year-old in a mall is torture, so comfy clothes are a must. I also like that it didn't need a ton to dress it up. Earrings and done!

Then, it was totally wearable for when me and my hubs went on our hot date. We're coming up on our 9-year anniversary, so any date where we don't have to order from the kid's menu is pretty hot and heavy for us. We also saw Men in Black which was hilarious, even though the butter from my popcorn seeped through the bag and onto my pretty dress.

Don't judge.

Anyway, if you still don't have a maxi (or two) in your closet, it's time to go shopping! They're super flattering and I love how easy they are to wear. And just so you know, I totally wore my ugly/cute Roxy boat shoes with this on Friday, and then switched it up with wedges on Sunday. Versatile? Yes.

Also, a reader emailed me to ask if I could do a tutorial on belting, since I belt A LOT. So look for that in the next week. Just don't expect me to ever remember where my belts are from, k?

What did you guys do for Memorial Day?

Freaky Friday

I'm having one of those fantastic Fridays so I'm excited to get out the door today. Work in the bag, yoga class done, big date night planned with the manly man (so what if our lives revolve around Men in Black 3?) and a Memorial Day shopping extravaganza? I'm in! I also bought a new maxi dress to wear on said date and I can't wait to show you guys on Monday, so put on your excited face and wear it for the next three days.


Katy Perry and Kate Upton both were wearing these shoes, because we all needed a reminder that they liked sex. I think the cupcake bra and the Sports Illustrated cover, respectively, was probably enough for both.


My favorite thing about summer? Stupid magazine articles about what to wear to music festivals. It always includes fringe. Because who wouldn't want to wear something that a) looks like it's falling apart and b) drags around on the floor of a Port-a-Potty.


This would be cool for like five seconds before realizing that you're unemployed.


OK, you know what? These are clearly just Jasmine's pants. Designers are getting LAZY.

Janelle sent me this and I declare it awesome. It's what I think when I see people wearing sweats in public anyway, so it saves me thinking part!


Nothing says "I kind of have a crush on my sister" like acid wash American flag cutoffs.


From the "I'm a huge idiot who spends money on stupid crap even though there's people starving all over the world" collection.

Can I also tell you that I'm always saving bad fashion pics on my phone and I live in fear of someone opening my Camera Roll and being like um, why do you have these?


I'm sorry, but where exactly does one wear these? Basic training? Spy school? A Matt Damon movie?


I found these while surfing around looking for shoes to buy the other day. I promptly decided that if Ronald McDonald had a lady love, she would definitely wear these shoes. And I swear, if McDonalds suddenly starts marketing a female clown wearing these, I will sue for royalties MARK MY WORDS.

Alright, I'm out for the weekend. Anyone else have any super awesome Memorial Day plans? Wanna come shopping with me? I'll the one shutting my eyes in fear as I swipe my credit card.