Freaky Friday: Fun with Keywords

I just got back from yoga, where I'm happy to say I didn't spend the entire time thinking about pastrami burgers. This time I was too busy agonizing over my freakishly small arms. Le sigh.

Anyway, I signed into my stat counter the other day and noticed that the weirdo search queries were piling up yet again. Time for some more fun with keywords, right?

(If you're new to the blog, "Fun with Keywords" is when I check the search queries that people used to find my oh-so-fine website and then try and figure out how to answer them. YAY!)

-"Volleyball nude."

Um, I'm not a huge volleyball player at all. But that's because I'm 5'4' yuk yuk yuk I am so funny. But seriously. There's a lot of jumping. If nude, wouldn't there be a lot of flopping as well? SHUDDER.

-"Sexy woman wearing half-arm latex gloves."

What an incredibly specific fantasy you have.
Wife: Want to role play tonight?
Husband: Do I!?
Wife: Tell me what you want.
Husband: I'd like you to wear half-arm latex gloves. HALF ARM. None of those unsexy wrist-length. Also, I'd like you to wear three-year-old tennis shoes with purple socks. PURPLE. Then, exactly two inches of belly skin showing. I have a ruler to check. Put your hair in a hairnet and draw a heart on your face while singing Coldplay's Viva la Vida.
Wife: I have a headache.

(In case you were wondering, yes, I did miss my calling as an adult film writer.)

-"Bedazzled jean jacket."


-"Fanny pack abs."

I think you and I both know there's no such thing. Fanny packs are almost always worn with a pancake butt and tourist belly, kthanks.

-"Mango fantasy clothes."

That really depends on the type of mango.


Either way, things are gonna get exotic.

-"Pikachu jokes."

Um.. OK. Here goes:

Why did the pokémon trainer hide under your bed?
So he could pikachu in the night!

Ba-dum dum cheeeee. (That was drum.)

-"Women cat exercise clothes."

Sorry. This was all I found. But I think it's infinitely more adorable than a woman wearing a cat leotard, amiright?

-"Freaky bunnies."

Please. There's an entire site dedicated to that.


As always, I want to personally thank the perverts, Internet newbies and people who just took a wrong turn at Google to get here. It means endless entertainment for yours truly and plenty of traffic that I probably shouldn't have gotten. Hooray internet!

Happy Friday guys!

How to Hide Heinous Roots

Spoiler alert here people! I'm not *actually* a natural blonde. I know, you're just blown away, right? I apologize for ruining your day.

Seriously though, old-timey readers know that I went blonde at the end of the summer last year because I got into my head that I could pull it off. After three hours in the hairstylist's chair I had scored the perfect shade and I've been overjoyed with the results. Know what I'm not overjoyed with?

The crazypants roots I get after a few weeks! I have freakishly thick, quick-growing hair, which means every couple of months I back, begging my hairdresser for more blonde. I figure I'll go back to dark hair this fall, but for summer, I'm keepin' it (not) real with the lighter color. I actually have an appointment on Friday, so you know it's getting bad.

So, that means I've had to become a prostar at hiding really bad roots until I can snag an appointment. One of the first things you want to avoid at all costs is giving your hair a hard part, like so:

K, you guys know I love you because I'm letting you see my really bad roots. Go ahead, make fun of me. I can take it. And by "take it" I mean "cry in my bed while eating ice cream and watching Sabrina."

But seriously, they look SO bad because my hair is slicked back into a pony. I might as well have made a sign that says "Hey, I'm busy and highlights cost a lot!"

Don't be like me.

Instead, how about these suggestions to get you through till hair day?

1) Tons of Texture

One way that I can usually hide roots is by using a ton of body and texture to trick the eye into thinking my hair is like, you know, done. Going with waves or curls makes the line between your real color and what you tell people your real color is by blurring the hard line of the roots. I just add product to wet hair and let it air dry or use a diffuser. Then I pretend like my diffuser is creature from outer space trying to attack my brains because sometimes I get bored while drying my hair.

2) Slick it Back

I love to have some sweepy bangage (which sounds kinda dirty) but when I have roots, I opt for something a little neater. I'll pull all of my hair back from the front hairline and do a messy bun. Then, I grab a thick cloth hair band and slide it right over the bad roots. You can then take your hair down for a totally cute vintage 70s look or leave it up, which always makes me look like I'm going to play volleyball, but whatevs. I'm not really because I'm a terrible volleyball player. TERRIBLE.

3) Ziz Zag Part

In highs chool, my brother learned the hard way that it's NOT OK to mess up the ziggy zaggy part a teenage girl spend three hours to create. But since we're not teenagers anymore, you shouldn't have to fear obnoxious 16 year olds messing up your hair. Unless it's your own kid. That's something I would totally do to my mom. (A reader pointed out that this originally said "do my mom" which is hilariously awkward/awesome. Oh Jae, when will you learn to proofread?)

Seriously, I love to torture her. Sometimes I like to bodycheck her into the wall when I pass her in the hallway. Is that mean?

I DIGRESS. A messy part can hide some seriously bad roots, so mix it up a little! Try parting your hair farther over than normal or go with a center part. Just let your hair fall wherever and you won't see them as badly. Or, grab a comb and seriously draw a zig zag going from the front of your hairline to your crown, then part. Done!

4) Eyeshadow

I know what you're thinking -- Jae's being drinkin' the crazy juice. But unless crazy juice is peach/mango Crystal Light, I assure you, I have not. Eyeshadow can be your BFF when your roots are showing. Seriously! I've totally done this and my secret is out. People who know me IRL, don't you DARE JUDGE ME.

Grab some eyeshadow close to the color of your dyed hair. I use a goldy color. Spray your hair with hairspray and quickly brush a little eyeshadow onto your roots while the spray is tacky. Hey, it's not going to work every time, but when you only have a half inch showing and you have family pictures, it's totally worth the quick fix.

SO, have I given you hope for the future? If all else fails, wear a hat. I've been wearing one nonstop this week because I know I'm *so close* to getting rid of my roots. Ahhh... hair salon feeling, you shall be mine!

What I Wore: Colored Skinnies

So did everyone see The Hunger Games? I thought it was innnnnsane. I'm waiting for my brother to get up so I can gab about it with him. Bah. So good.

Anyway, I declared this last weekend "The Weekend of the Skinnies!" Because I basically lived in them. I posted my yellow pants on the Facebook page -- I wore those on Thursday -- then I dragged out the red skinnies for the movie.

If you missed it, here's my yellow skinny outfit.

I hate camera phone pics but I was home alone so you'll have to deal.
Chambray: Papaya
Skinnies: Local boutique
Socks: Target
Boots: Frye
Necklace: Buckle
Crap on the floor: My bathrobe

Then here's my spin with the reds.

Top: Buckle and c/o mod bod
Blazer: f21
Pants: Same local boutique as the yellows
Wedges: Full Tilt YAYYYY wedge weather!
Earrings: Charlotte Russe

OMG, you guys, check out my hair. I did it as my homage to the movie.


I didn't want to do the whole Katniss braid but something along the same line. Easy peasy.

So I'm officially addicted to the colored skinnies, even if my hubby told me that the yellow ones made me look like Willy Wonka.

A super fashionable Willy Wonka, maybe.

I'll take it. This is coming from a man who once described his favorite color as "neutral."

Freaky Friday

Hey Friends!

I'd be totally lying if I said my entire day isn't revolving around The Hunger Games... my tickets are for 6pm, who else is going? Sorry, I can't do the whole midnight showing thing. I'm too old and I watched a thing on the news last night about people who dressed up for the movie. I wondered HOW on earth you could dress up for it, then I saw I couple. She was wearing fruit around her neck and he was wearing a game of Sorry around his neck. Together they were hunger....games.

I kind of hope they're celibate.

Anyway, did everyone see my yellow jeans yesterday? I'm kind of in love. Especially because if you're a long-time reader, you'll know that this was not my first pair of yellow pants. I had a vinyl pair back when I was 16 and was the complete height of fashion (kill me). I think my jeans are slightly better, but you can be the judge.

But, onward and upward. Let's finish FF so I can go play in my closet and obsess over what to wear tonight.



I definitely won't wear these shoes, since I'm not going to Target beforehand. Also, I feel like if you actually wore these in a Target, the universe would explode. (Thanks Bethany!)


Janelle was shopping last week and snapped this shot of a blazer made completely of human skin. It would be more realistic if it had hair.

OMG, have any of you seen the movie "Ravenous?" When I was younger I used to hang out with these guy friends who loved it and they made me watch it and I've never been more sick in my life. Seriously. It's about CANNIBALS.

I also now own it. I kind of want to wear this blazer and watch it. While eating KFC.


Stephanie sent me these shoes, which automatically made me think of how painful it would be if you kicked some guy in the crotch while wearing them. Weird, right? It's all those self defense classes they made us take in high school. Seriously. These are the new form of pepper spray.


Ami sent these along with the comment that it kind of look like crabs were crawling upward to the crotch area. What is the deal with uterus shapes on the pelvis, people. As long as you took 7th grade health class, you KNOW it's there. You also know that page 17 in the textbook has boobs.


Sara sent me these cat shoes because she knows I *love* when people wear animals on their feet. Other things I *love* sarcastically?
-Slow people in the mall.
-Lady Gaga
-Eating healthy food on the weekend.
-Dubstep
-Waking up because my son has tried to get to the potty in the night, but started peeing in front of the toilet before his pants were down. LOVE IT.
-When the Utah Jazz play back to back games and I have to sit through six hours of basketball.
-Jumpsuits.


You've heard of the maxi dress right? What about the maxi sweater? All I can picture is the smell of patchouli and a lot of waddling.


Speaking of JUMPSUITS! How about a droopy one that looks like it was knitted in your grandma's nursing home?

Also, what are these models doing to their ankles!? Is it weird I always notice that?


Hey, if you don't want to wear pants, that's totally fine. It's a free country. Just don't wear something labeled as "shorts" like they're legit. Hint: if you need to wax before you put them on, they're too short.


Oh, I have such a pure and abiding hatred for anything asymmetrical. Especially when it makes you have a fifth mystery limb.


OK, I know some of you had trouble getting on board with the bacon bra.... but how about a bacon scarf? I would leave it next to the griddle while making bacon so that I could carry around the scent of bacon wherever I went. Then people on the street would wanna smell my scarf too and it would be totally normal.

Plus I love the girl's expression in this pic. Like "Yep. It's a bacon scarf."

Alright, I'm off and running. I'm thinking red skinnies for the movie?

4 Things That Make You Look Fat

Ooh, that's a harsh title, right? I KNOW. It's shock value. I'm so shocking.

But seriously, I want to take a minute to talk about a few habits that make you look chubbier than you really are. First, can we say that I really hate serious self-deprecation? Like, joking that you're a terrible cook is one thing. I'm a terrible cook. But whining that you look fat is another thing altogether. I feel like it's just asking for the sympathy vote and I don't like it.

You are the way you are. If you don't like it, change it. If you don't feel like changing it, learn to live with it.

But body types and weight aside, there are things I see women do ALL THE TIME that make them look fat. Seriously, a Victoria's Secret model would look paunchy if she broke some of these rules. Because size is really all relative, it's worth it to check if you're guilty of some of these sins. That way, you can look skinnier without hitting the gym (and I mean that. Yesterday was "personal best" day at the gym, where you're supposed to push yourself harder than before. I woke up to cement legs this morning. Ouch.)

1) Wearing Clothes that Don't Fit

Whether it's too big or too small, it makes you look fat. Clothes make a huge difference in the way your body looks, period. I am one of those people who is way heavier than she looks. Which is exactly the reason I haven't weighed myself in three years.

Is there anything worse than seeing someone stuff herself sausage-style into way-small clothes? Yes. Seeing someone shlub around in clothes that are way too big. They're equal offenders. That's why you should always try clothes on, tailor them if necessary and use stuff like belts or cardigans to help define your look. Who cares about the actual size? I'm concerned about the fit. You can look svelte at size 6 or 16 as long as your clothes actually fit your body.

2) Wearing the Wrong Pattern

OK, here's where it gets dicey. Patterns are awesome. But patterns can also make you look fat. Some serious zero in on your trouble areas, like HERE I AM. I have a shirt that I really love, but the pattern makes me look like I just ate Thanksgiving dinner. Not cool. Try on clothes and make sure the pattern detracts. That's why I love abstract patterns. Geometric and uniform patterns can make you look chubby when they don't lay completely right.

Also, look for patterns that are proportional to your body. If you carry some extra weight and you wear a teeny pattern, it looks like there's this vast amount of polka dots or whatever. Look for a mid-sized pattern instead and you'll look way slimmer.

3) Slouching

Yeah, your mom was right. Oh, this one really gets on my nerves. Probably because I'm inexplicably proud of my posture. It's like I went to one of those old timey schools where they made you walk with a book on your head -- but I didn't. I just know that slouching makes you look fat and paunchy. Seriously. How about you tuck your shoulders back and straighten up. Stop walking around like you want to be invisible. Standing up straight is like, a 1 second diet. You'll look skinnier and like you're actually happy to be alive. Win!

4) Crappy Accessories

You know I love me some accessories, right? They are the way to make an outfit look on-purpose. But they can also make you look fat if they emphasize the wrong areas of your body. Ask me why I never where those full finger rings. Go ahead, ask me!! It's because I have stubby child hands and they make me look like a weirdo. Cocktail rings are much better on me. Same goes with dicey accessories that are hard to pull off, like a choker. Instead, look for accessories that lengthen: a drop pair of earrings, a long scarf, some layered necklaces. They'll make the eye look up and down rather than side to side. Yay!

SO yeah, you can totally look slimmer without a huge Biggest Loser weight overhaul. I mean, that would be super cool, but most of us don't need to lose 200 lbs, just perk up a bit.

Fess up: Are you guilty of any of these?

What I Wore: Rainy Day

SO remember how I was wearing shorts last week? I had planned to wear an adorable spring outfit COMPLETE WITH ORANGE when I woke up to gray, drizzly snow on Sunday morning. I decided the orange would have to wait and I pulled out my trusty yellow trench. I've had this jacket forever but I only ever wear it a couple of times per year. I always forget it's just hanging out in the mudroom, waiting for it's time to shine. You shall not wait any longer, yellow trench coat.


If I look tired, it's because I spent Saturday doing spring cleaning. It was awful, but now my house is junk-free and smells like bleach. Love!
Sweater: I can't remember. Story of my life.
Skirt: F21
Belt: Stolen from a skirt I bought at Urban Trend
Bracelet: Inspired Silver. Even though it's gold.
Ring and earrings: F21
Trench: I bought it online but the tag just says "twentyone" but I don't think like, F21 so I really have no clue. Thanks, online shopping. Regardless, I love yellow with leopard. Happy times!
Shoes: Qupid


Shoe shot time! I wanted these for like, a month before I bucked up and bought them. My husband thinks they're ridiculous but he generally thinks all of my shoes are ridiculous. He has like, three pairs. It's embarrassing.

Anyway, you may have noticed that Freaky Friday was missing last week. My computer had a seizure on Friday and I called it good and went out to play with friends instead. The level of commitment I have to this blog is astounding.

Since it's Monday, I'm trying to get off of my weekend hangover by thinking up some of the good things that have happened today. Here are a few:
-I went to lend my copy of The Hunger Games to my sister-in-law and found $10 stashed inside. I'm pretty sure it's my brother's. I'm going to spend it anyway.
-I went to Pilates class and had my butt handed to me, but now I feel so strong I could tear the head off of a billy goat. Don't mess with me today.
-Kid's Netflix. Need I say more?
-I have to go grocery shopping today, which is lame, but I love the day after you grocery shop and there's SO MUCH FOOD. Especially since I've been living on Reese's Eggs for the past weekend. My Mini Eggs were all gone.
-My house is already clean, so when my kids take a nap I won't feel guilty for reading a book and watching Real Housewives of Orange County. Winning!

Anybody else have any Monday goodness to share?

Spring Trends and How to Wear 'Em: 2012

It's that time again! Time when I sift through all of the stuff that magazines say "YOU MUST HAVE" to bring you the most wearable trends available. Some are so not wearable at all. One I saw was colored camo. Really? We're doing colored camo now? That might work in the city, but I live where people actually go hunting and I Would be laughed at if I showed up in puprle camo. So I'll leave that one to the city slickers. I kid you not, the other day I drove behind a truck with a big old dead deer in the back and every time they turned a corner I'd see it roll around. It was So. Gross. Sometimes I think I'll never get used to living here.

But all dead deer aside, there are some seriously cute trends going on this spring that you -- yes, even you who wears sweatpants to WalMart -- can try to look like you know stuff about fashion. I *love* knowing stuff.

OK, time for my usual disclaimer here. As usual, remember that trends are trendy. That means you really don't need to go crazy with them. See what's new and pick a few things that you want to try for yourself on the cheap. That way, if yo don't like it, you haven't spent major moolah on stuff you'll never wear again. And please, don't wear these all at once. You'll look crazy. Crazy like a person with a dead deer in your truck.

Shall we?

1) Orange!

BKE lace top, $25
Knee length skirt, £17
2 Lips Too peep toe platform pumps, $45
H M leather shoulder bag, £25
Mantaray logo watch, £20
Miso flower earrings, £6
Wet Seal rope belt, $11

Orange is THE color du jour and I kind of love it. Remember when everything was all about mustard in the fall? It's now all about super bright orange. The color you want almost looks like it's been mixed with coral. You're going to see a lot of coral and orange in this post because it's gonna be big. Just make sure that when you wear orange, you steer clear of black. It's not Halloween. I like it with navy and white as neutrals. PS I must have striped wedges this year. MUST.

2) Peplum Dresses

Dorothy Perkins v neck dress, $49
Rampage platform shoes, $40
Star by Julien Macdonald flap handbag, £21
Turquoise bangle, $29
Topshop leather jewelry, $20

I could not love a human baby as much as I love this trend. Peplum (the fancy British name for the little ruffle at the hip) dresses are SO amazing for spring and I already bought mine -- it's the teal dress I have. But I also want this one. Unfortch, it's sold out and that makes me very sad. But you get the idea. The trend is alll about a super feminine, vintage look. Just don't go crazy. I've seen some crazy peplum dresses that have like, a full skirt on top of a skirt. This isn't Inception. Look for small details that make a big difference. Then wear it will all of your most proper accessories.

3) Exaggerated Prints

Summer dress, £30
H M leather jacket, £30
Sodamix Tropical print maxi, £30
Navy and Fuchsia V-neck Maxi Dress, $47
Forever 21 platform wedge, $27
ALDO platform high heels, $41
Stud earrings, $5.99
VIcenza beaded cuff bracelet, £6
Gold necklace, $25
Michael Michael Kors Mk Plate Jelly, $49

Yaaaay it's maxi dress season again! I am so excited to drag them all out again. But this year, it's all about exaggerated prints. We're look for huge graphics, bold colors and prints that look like a magnifying glass has been zeroed in on a piece of material. This goes for just about everything -- skirts, tops, cardigans, whatever. Just look for non-boring patterns. Last year it was all about vintage-y, scattered prints, but this year, the bolder the better. You can still wear your solid maxis though. I absolutely will be doing the same thing.

4) Pastels

Splendid striped shirt, £66
Blazer, £28
Hollister Co. faded jeans, $50
Call it SPRING ballerina flat, $40
Beige handbag, £15
Stone jewelry, $17

Spring means pastels, but they don't have to be Easter egg colors. This tank, with the brighter pastels makes me die inside. When you want to try pastels, make it look as crisp as possible. I love them with a white blazer or cardigan and a dark wash denim. That way, the look isn't wishy washy Laura Ashley. Finally, always add in a harder-edged element. A chained bag makes this look less like Easter Sunday and more everyday cuteness.

5) Color Blocking

Wallis tie shirt, $44
Hollister Co. skinny leg jeans, $50
Flat heels, $36
Faux leather handbag, $48
Mango silk shawl, £15
ASOS skinny belt, $11

If you've never heard of color blocking, you've probably never been on Pinterest. Seriously, this it ALL of what's over there. Color blocking means putting large pieces of solid color against each other. But some people can look like crazyperson clowns when color blocking, so here's a more tame version. I'm all about color blocking in accessories. The shoes and scarf hit the trend without it looking crazy. Now, a seasoned blocker would put this outfit with like, green skinnies. But that's super advanced. A dark wash denim tones down the whole outfit. Then, add a neutral bag to anchor everything and you can wear super bright colors without looking like your 5 year old picked out your outfit.

OK, those are my top five for the season. Now I feel like I need to rush off to the store for some turquoise flats and a lemon yellow belt, but that will have to wait. I have a very important schedule of cleaning my house on tap today. Fashion must take a backseat to the small mountain of pistachio shells currently residing on my desk. They're grossing me out.

So spill: which trend are you most excited to try this spring?