Freaky Friday: Fun With Keywords

Reading my keyword analysis is my favorite thing to do EVER. Like, I love shopping and being with my famjam, but finding out how people happened upon my website is pretty super awesome. Unfortunately, some of the entries I read make me sad, for I know that they did not find what they were looking for on my site. It's for this reason that I do fun with keywords as a service to all of those who still haven't found what they're looking for.

(Totally a side story, but when I was 16 I worked as a babysitter five nights a week for a kid who had ADHD. The best part about the job -- besides the fish sticks -- was that the mom owned U2s entire collection and had a great stereo. To this day "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" makes me feel like an awkward 16 year old doing my homework and telling Austin to stop licking the wall.)

ANYWAY, I found some real ems when I logged in to my Statcounter the other day and far be it from me to disappoint my adoring Google searchers.

-Baby cinch belt.

Wait, so like a belt to put on your baby to make her look thinner? That kind of reminds me of baby wigs:

Or even better, baby spanx:


By the way, the wigs are real, the Spanx are not. Please don't write an angry letter to Spanx.

-Why does Skippy keep asking me for money?

First of all, I have no idea how this would relate to my blog in any way, shape or form. Second of all.... have you asked him?

-Bajingo

OK, I KNOW this has to do with the uterus pillow posting from like, a year ago. But it made me laugh as singular word typed into Google. Also, my mom is here visiting and the other day she stuttered and somehow said "Vajungle" which I am now using on a daily basis. VAJUNGLE.

-Trashy girl

Your wish is my command:

Take a bath, hippie.

-Ideas for everyone wearing plaid in family pictures.

Here's an idea. Don't. Ever. And while you're NOT all wearing plaid shirts, you can go ahead and burn the khakis that I KNOW you would have paired them with.

-A man in a frilly shirt.

Really? You just couldn't Google "Fabio" and be done with it?
Please. You know this guy's name is something like "Fox Stone" and he's on every cover of every paperback ever sold in Walmart. Seriously. Looking for a book at Walmart makes me want to poke myself in the eye and enroll myself in school. It's either horny Harlequins or horny teen vampires. Jane Austen would be so proud.

-Asymmetrical flap pockets make my butt look....

Oh, you like... want an opinion? Well, I would go with lopsided. Or kind of like your butt is giving a coy half-smile.



YAY I'm off to go shopping with my Mamadukes today. She entertains children while I try on armloads of clothes I shouldn't buy. Score! Also I'm making her take my outfit pics today. I'm excited to see if she's any better than my 5 year old.

Super Awesome Jewelry Storage

Fans on my Facebook page know that I had a bit of a mishap yesterday. In a fit of feeling Betty Crocker-ish, I went in search of my crockpot to make a full chicken. When I found it, it was at the very tippy top of my cupboards. Unphased, I seized the electrical cord for said crockpot, so I could tip the actual pot down to my level before snagging it. Instead, the thing came crashing down on my FACE and now I have a sore eye. I did have a pretty gnarly swollen black eye afterward, but I think it's gone down. Now it just looks like I'm wearing dark eyeshadow. So pretty.

THIS IS WHY I NEVER COOK.

So, clearly, I'm not all that great at storing cookware. However, jewelry is a different story.

When you don't store your jewelry properly, it hurts a lot less when it lands on your face, but it can also ruin and tarnish a lot easier. I can guarantee half of your jewelry snafus are the result of crappy storage. The other half are the result of your two year old putting your bracelets in the toilet, so I won't judge. Anyhow, I started thinking about ways to store your precious jewels and came up with a few cutesies that I loved online.




Remember this from my friend Charity? I still think it's PERFECT and practically genius. So pretty on a dresser too, you can just leave it out as decor.


How genius are these knobs? They're just mounted to an old board for perfect necklace and bracelet storage. No more knots and yanking on chains! Not that I know what that's like or anything...


This is a rake head. Mind is blown. This is from Country Living magazine. I should do this in my house because it's log and looks pretty with old timey things. But I also love the contrast between the rake and the pretty baubles.


This is my stuff above my dresser. I just tack up my necklaces. If I don't, I totally forget what I even own and don't take full advantage of all of my jewelry. I also use the towel rack in my bathroom to hang my rings, but that's more out of laziness than for storage. Plus it makes me husband mad.


Just avoid creepy storage solutions, like this HAND coming out of a WALL. Fastest way to terrify me at night.

Go forth and organize! Anyone else have any brilliant solutions?

What I Wore: 5'10"

Let's face it. Being short in the fashion world sometimes sucks. I'm a very average 5'4" and certain items of clothing, like jeans, can be hard to find. Why it's so hard to find jeans in lengths like they have for men I'LL NEVER KNOW.

But sometimes, I don't mind the shortness. Especially when I find a new magenta pencil skirt that would probably be a tad short on a taller girl. Seriously, I bought this on Friday afternoon and may have "Squee'd!" when I saw it. Luckily it fit like a glove with no room to spare and was like, $10. $10!!

So, with the power of my fave heels, I rose myself up to a full 5'10". It always wigs my husband out when I'm taller suddenly.



Top: I have no idea... I bought it from Ross in 2007. lol. It's one of my faves because it goes with literally everything I own.
Skirt: Forever21
Belt: H&M
Shoes: Qupid
Earrings: F21
Ring: Inspired Silver
Cuff: Gucci

Anyway, I *almost* wore my zebra shoes with this, but I think I'll use any excuse to wear blue shoes. Ever. THEY'RE BLUE.


This just in: I have a big butt! So it might have fit like a very tight glove but it has spandex! WOO! Also - teeth pic! My husband was like "Smile with your teeth!" And then I would and he'd be like "Why do you look so weird?" Um, thanks.



My adorable daughter got in for the shot. We inadvertently matched with her blue bow and pink sash. Boom! I pretended like it was on purpose because that's how we roll.

I also did a mini-shop on Friday and bought a new fall pieces that I'm super stoked about. New blazer, anyone? My mom is coming down for a week-long visit tomorrow, so I'm probably going to be heading out with her to do some bank account damage. I'm dying to know what you're looking for fall so I can keep an eye out.

Comment! Comment! Comment! (That's me chanting obnoxiously.)

Freaky Friday

Since we missed Freaky Friday last week, let's make it doubly dripping with sarcasm, should we? Mmmmokay!

I'm so excited to have a lazyish weekend planned. No super big plans except for sleeping and eating waffles. And maybe watching Harry Potter. All those celebs with high profile parties to attend should be JEALOUS.



Hey, do any of you experienced moms want to tell cute pregnant Beyonce here that it takes like 40 weeks to have a baby? So she's probably not going to have it right now? And so she should probably put on some pants?



These are the nerdiest cutoffs I have ever seen. It was like the designer had a ruler out to make sure there was the perfect amount of pocket underhang. In related news, I never want to type the word "underhang" ever again.


My brother sent me this, (which is apparently the world's creepiest and most Chuck Norris-esque winter hat) while I was on vacation and harassed me about it so I can only assume that he wants me to give it the Freaky Friday treatment. I think he's really just jealous that this hat grows a more masculine beard than him.

Zzzzzzing.

If you want a good laugh and want to see my brother's beard, check out this blooper reel from one of his videos. Like, I cannot watch it and NOT laugh at what is possibly the world's worst British accent.



One of the commenters on Wednesday's post went looking for Breckelle's boots like I was wearing and came up with this hybrid gem. It's the Frankenstein of the shoe world. I can only assume they patched it together with whatever scraps were lying on the floor.


Victoria emailed me this and pointed out that it appeared that skanky Halloween costumes are back in. We're only a month away from sexy Spongebob, guys! The best part about this costume pattern is that THEY'RE ALL THE SAME. There is something wrong with the world when a fireman is roughly the same as a cat. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills here.


Bethany sent this to me with a note that this appeared on her "Fall Trends" InStyle email. Oh, I must have missed when hairy man arms made their way down the catwalk.

On the bright side, at least Bigfoot would be impressed.

And slightly turned on.



Rebecca posted these pants on Pinterest for me to see. Literally everything about this is wrong. You all know how much I love 16 inch crotches, but add retirement village teal, pleats and an awkward length and you have a recipe for my heart.


Noooo it's fall and these knit headband thingies are back. STOP IT. They make heads look weird and hair look dirty. Always.



My brother Ryan also sent me this product and I told him that this is why I hate other parents. Because they make cool parents (LIKE ME) lame by association. Hey, everyone who knows me. I don't do this. I'm a cool mom. I even sometimes let my kids use their legs.

Call CPS!

Fashion Week Trends for Real People

I felt guilty for leaving you high and dry while I frolicked and became sunburned, so here's a fun Thursday post!

Fashion Week *just* ended, which means my US Weekly iPhone app has been cluttered with stories like "Lindsay Lohan causes scene at fashion show" and "Kristen Stewart sits next to Kate Moss at Mulberry" and "I DON'T CARE."

Seriously, I know Fashion Week is like, basically mecca for the industry, but I don't want to know about famous people who sat on the sidelines and watched. And can we talk about how ridiculous most of the fashion is anyway? Like you really have room in your wallet and your closet for a feathered jacket? Fashion Week is really for the 2 percent of the human population who actually have $2,000 to spend on bejeweled pasties. (Gwyneth Paltrow, I'm lookin' at you.)

However, since most of the trends in the next six months with come as a direct result of stuff shown on unrealistic NYC catwalks, I can do my best to decode so you can still be in style, even if you don't survive on a diet of coffee, cigarettes and self importance like the rest of the fashion industry.

1) Pink and Navy

Star by Julien Macdonald shell top, £32
Abercrombie & Fitch vintage style jeans, $48
ALDO ballet flat shoes, $30
Call it SPRING shoulder bag, $45
Worthington sparkle jewelry, $9.99
Dorothy Perkins viscose shawl, £12

I am actually super in love with this color combo. To the point that pale pink and navy were my wedding colors. It's fresh and preppy without being too prim. I especially love it in bold prints; stripes, plaid, dots, etc. I just bought a striped pink and navy shirt and I cannot wait to wear it. When trying this out, remember that it's supposed to look classic and refined. Dark navies and blush pink is best, since bright blue and pink will look juvenile. Wearing a Hypercolor shirt with ratty jeans won't make this work. Pearls? Yes.

2) Plaid

Hollister Co embroidered shirt, $50
Ganni mini skirt, €120
Wet Seal flat slouch boots, $28
Forever21 antique handbag, $33
Linea Pelle leather wrap bracelet, $40
Gathering Eye feather earrings, $20
Tan belt, £20

Chunky plaid is back and I am so excited. There's just something about a cute, girl-next-door style that I totally gravitate towards. New plaid is more girly, so leave your jeans and cowboy boots for the honky tonk. (Seriously, going to a real, live honky tonk is totally on my bucket list. I want to dance in my cowboy boots while listening to Sweet Home Alabama, please!) Pairing plaid with skirts is super cute and fall appropriate. Boots are still OK, just look for some with less Western styling. And leather! Lots of leather!

3) Lace Anything

Chiffon top, $20
Agent Ninetynine striped tank, $30
Hydraulic faded jeans, $43
Not rated shoes, $45
Dorothy Perkins navy handbag, £25
Manumit brass jewelry, £12
Dorothy Perkins zebra print jewelry, £7.50

Lace is huuuuuge right now, but not in the way you think. Lace automatically conjures images of doilies and girliness and grandmas, so it's exciting to see lace with a harder edge. This for date night with the hubby? It's baby makin' time! Throw on a leather jacket and you're all set. Look for lace in unexpected places, like cardigans, tights and accessories. It's major. I want this outfit immediately.

4) Mustard and Gray

H by Henry Holland ruffle top, £15
Dorothy Perkins pleated skirt, £25
2 Lips Too stiletto heels, $50
Quilted handbag, $18
VIcenza stackable ring, £8
Drop earrings, $9.80
Zara belt, $7.90

...or is it grey? It doesn't matter, it's just pretty. I love this dress up look because it's polished without being totally yawn-worthy. It still has enough color to make it clear that you know your stuff. If you're going to do two colors as a theme, make sure to throw something else in there for interest. A pop of red makes the look less matchy matchy. And the shoes? Please. I die. I want to become a secretary at a 50s law firm.

Remember. Just because celebs were glued to Fashion Week doesn't mean you have to. Trying to decipher what the heck designers are getting at gives me a headache. How does trash bag couture translate to the real world? It doesn't. But there are a few gems in there, so it shouldn't be too hard to freshen up for for fall. Oh fall... jackets! Tights! Closed-toe pumps! I can hardly stand it.

What I Wore: The Camera Never Lies

When I first thought up this outfit, it was with my trusty old jeggings. The best part about doing outfit posts is that I actually get to see the clothes on camera through the process. I tried on the outfit that I had planned, took one look at the outfit on the camera's view screen and was like "Ooh, no." Because we all know that when I think I look good and the mirror tells me I look good, the camera will dash all hopes and make me feel like a cow and render me useless and eating ice cream for the rest of the day.

So I ran upstairs to change into new jeans and everything was right with the world again.

Now, I had my 5-year-old daughter taking the pictures again. We had to run to a soccer game before I went out so I wouldn't see my husband in time. Taking pictures with a kindergartner is the most frustrating experience OF MY LIFE. She doesn't understand why she can't jump up and down while lining up the shot and her brother is biting her leg and she really just wants to go play soccer.

Mom of the year.

Anyway, we just spent the week down in Lake Powell, where I wore swimsuits and didn't brush my hair or wear makeup, so it was actually lovely to get back to my rituals at home. As I was blowing out my hair I realized that it is about 50 percent lighter than when it was originally colored, meaning the sun at LP bleached the crap out of it... it also doesn't help that my face is FRIED. I was nervous, but I think I'm getting used to it. It's weird to see myself in the mirror and be like "AH WHO'S THAT!"


Oh! It's just me. In my fall clothes. In 80 degree weather. DEAL WITH IT.

Jeans: Abercrombie & Fitch (Emma)
Wrap shirt: Chris and Carol
Cardi: Derek Heart
Boots: Breckelle's (I LOVE THESE)
Rings: Local craft fair and Lia Sophia
Scarf: Buckle


My daughter calls this "hitting my pose." As in, "Hit your pose, mom!" I don't know when she became such a demanding little stand-in kindergarten photographer.



I love the black, orange and greeny-brown (breen? grown?) of the cardigan together. Bring on colder weather, I have a whole section of my closet that hasn't been used in months!

How to: Get an Awesome Haircut

My new hair cut and color! AND I'm smiling with me teeth! It's a Festivus miracle! I still think I look like a doof but the hair looks good!

So I finally went and I had my hair done yesterday. After three hours in the chair I'm super happy with the transformation, although it's taking some major time to get used to. I've never had hair this light EVER. I told my hairdresser that I've associated myself so long with being a brunette that having blond hair has thrown me off kilter. Am I more fun yet!?

Anyway, while I was talking for THREE HOURS with my main hair girl, Patti, we started discussing what makes a good client and how to get what you want from your hairdresser and I picked up some awesome tips that you'll want to use the next time you head to get a haircut.

I get the worst anxiety before getting my hair done. Like, I feel like I'm going to throw up. I usually want some drastic change and then I sit and stress over how it'll look and what will I do if it doesn't look good and all the rest of it. Most of the world is stressing over an economic crisis right now. Me? WILL MY HAIR BE OK?? So I feel like the better prepared you are for a hair appointment, the better off you'll be with the pregame anxiety.

1) Get a good hairdresser. I never know whether to call them stylists or dressers or what, but whatever you call her, trust her with your life. Or your hair. Same thing. When I lived at home I had an AWFUL hairdresser, only I didn't know she was awful. Her name was like, Lyyza or something stripperish like that and she always wanted to talk about her ex-husband and she NEVER listened to what I wanted. I always came home panicked because she had totally given me bangs or cut too much off or something else that made me freak out.

Since I moved here I've had the same hairdresser for eight years. She lives across the street from me, which is super convenient and she listens much better than my old one. I never leave there thinking OMG WHAT DID SHE DO? It might take a few tries, but if you have a bad haircut or feel like she's not listening to you, don't go back. I kept my crappy hairdresser for like, four years. WHY.

2) Bring pictures. My hairdresser said this was a must. Ambiguously gesturing to your hair while saying things like "Maybe a few inches off but like, layers here and some length over here" is confusing and a recipe for disaster. Scour the web for a few different pictures. I sometimes bring two or three and point out elements that I like from each one, like the banks from one picture but the layers from another. A good hairstylist will be able to interpret what you want with a better idea of what you'd like the outcome to be.

3) Be realistic. Just because you tell your hairdresser you want a Jennifer Aniston cut doesn't mean you'll walk out of there literally looking like Jennifer Aniston. A hairstyle needs to be adjusted for your hair type, length and color, so it's better to have a general ideal of the style you want, rather than perfectly copying someone else's. You'll end up disappointed.

4) Give specific parameters when it comes to color. I really wanted to go lighter but I didn't want it to wash me out. I decided on an ashy blond because I have natural ash brown hair. So I asked specifically for a cooler-toned ash blond, instead of just asking to go lighter. I'm super particular about my color so it was helpful to tell my hairdresser the basic tone I wanted to go for so I didn't end up surprised with like, a strawberry blond.

5) Give your hairdresser a little credit. She's trained and as long as you've done your homework, a good one. While I had a general idea of what I wanted my hair to look like, I have no idea about how anything is actually accomplished. Let your hairdresser be creative and do her work and you'll be happier with the result. Unless you're a stylist yourself, lay off a little. Once you've given the proper parameters, let her do her thing.

6) Ask for advice on how to style and care for your hair once you leave the salon. This is imperative, because you'll leave there with the perfect blowout and after two days it'll be flat and weird and you'll think you have a difficult cut. Instead, watch your stylist as she styles your hair and ask about the products she's using. My hairdresser told me yesterday that lighter, bleached hair curls faster so I should dial down my heated tools. I had no idea! So glad she told me, because that'll make my cut and color last so much longer. And not light on fire. Which is important.

7) Speak up. Once I didn't communicate what I wanted very well and I wasn't in love with the cut I got. After going home I whined about it to my husband and finally hung my head in shame to call my hairdresser for a redo. She was mostly just mortified I didn't say anything while I was actually there. She had me come over that minute and gave me exactly what I wanted after I explained it better.

There's no reason you shouldn't be able to get exactly what you want at the hairdresser's. Seriously, have a loving, communicative relationship with two people in your life: Your spouse and your hairdresser.

Everyone's happy!