Freaky Friday

Since we missed Freaky Friday last week, let's make it doubly dripping with sarcasm, should we? Mmmmokay!

I'm so excited to have a lazyish weekend planned. No super big plans except for sleeping and eating waffles. And maybe watching Harry Potter. All those celebs with high profile parties to attend should be JEALOUS.



Hey, do any of you experienced moms want to tell cute pregnant Beyonce here that it takes like 40 weeks to have a baby? So she's probably not going to have it right now? And so she should probably put on some pants?



These are the nerdiest cutoffs I have ever seen. It was like the designer had a ruler out to make sure there was the perfect amount of pocket underhang. In related news, I never want to type the word "underhang" ever again.


My brother sent me this, (which is apparently the world's creepiest and most Chuck Norris-esque winter hat) while I was on vacation and harassed me about it so I can only assume that he wants me to give it the Freaky Friday treatment. I think he's really just jealous that this hat grows a more masculine beard than him.

Zzzzzzing.

If you want a good laugh and want to see my brother's beard, check out this blooper reel from one of his videos. Like, I cannot watch it and NOT laugh at what is possibly the world's worst British accent.



One of the commenters on Wednesday's post went looking for Breckelle's boots like I was wearing and came up with this hybrid gem. It's the Frankenstein of the shoe world. I can only assume they patched it together with whatever scraps were lying on the floor.


Victoria emailed me this and pointed out that it appeared that skanky Halloween costumes are back in. We're only a month away from sexy Spongebob, guys! The best part about this costume pattern is that THEY'RE ALL THE SAME. There is something wrong with the world when a fireman is roughly the same as a cat. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills here.


Bethany sent this to me with a note that this appeared on her "Fall Trends" InStyle email. Oh, I must have missed when hairy man arms made their way down the catwalk.

On the bright side, at least Bigfoot would be impressed.

And slightly turned on.



Rebecca posted these pants on Pinterest for me to see. Literally everything about this is wrong. You all know how much I love 16 inch crotches, but add retirement village teal, pleats and an awkward length and you have a recipe for my heart.


Noooo it's fall and these knit headband thingies are back. STOP IT. They make heads look weird and hair look dirty. Always.



My brother Ryan also sent me this product and I told him that this is why I hate other parents. Because they make cool parents (LIKE ME) lame by association. Hey, everyone who knows me. I don't do this. I'm a cool mom. I even sometimes let my kids use their legs.

Call CPS!

Fashion Week Trends for Real People

I felt guilty for leaving you high and dry while I frolicked and became sunburned, so here's a fun Thursday post!

Fashion Week *just* ended, which means my US Weekly iPhone app has been cluttered with stories like "Lindsay Lohan causes scene at fashion show" and "Kristen Stewart sits next to Kate Moss at Mulberry" and "I DON'T CARE."

Seriously, I know Fashion Week is like, basically mecca for the industry, but I don't want to know about famous people who sat on the sidelines and watched. And can we talk about how ridiculous most of the fashion is anyway? Like you really have room in your wallet and your closet for a feathered jacket? Fashion Week is really for the 2 percent of the human population who actually have $2,000 to spend on bejeweled pasties. (Gwyneth Paltrow, I'm lookin' at you.)

However, since most of the trends in the next six months with come as a direct result of stuff shown on unrealistic NYC catwalks, I can do my best to decode so you can still be in style, even if you don't survive on a diet of coffee, cigarettes and self importance like the rest of the fashion industry.

1) Pink and Navy

Star by Julien Macdonald shell top, £32
Abercrombie & Fitch vintage style jeans, $48
ALDO ballet flat shoes, $30
Call it SPRING shoulder bag, $45
Worthington sparkle jewelry, $9.99
Dorothy Perkins viscose shawl, £12

I am actually super in love with this color combo. To the point that pale pink and navy were my wedding colors. It's fresh and preppy without being too prim. I especially love it in bold prints; stripes, plaid, dots, etc. I just bought a striped pink and navy shirt and I cannot wait to wear it. When trying this out, remember that it's supposed to look classic and refined. Dark navies and blush pink is best, since bright blue and pink will look juvenile. Wearing a Hypercolor shirt with ratty jeans won't make this work. Pearls? Yes.

2) Plaid

Hollister Co embroidered shirt, $50
Ganni mini skirt, €120
Wet Seal flat slouch boots, $28
Forever21 antique handbag, $33
Linea Pelle leather wrap bracelet, $40
Gathering Eye feather earrings, $20
Tan belt, £20

Chunky plaid is back and I am so excited. There's just something about a cute, girl-next-door style that I totally gravitate towards. New plaid is more girly, so leave your jeans and cowboy boots for the honky tonk. (Seriously, going to a real, live honky tonk is totally on my bucket list. I want to dance in my cowboy boots while listening to Sweet Home Alabama, please!) Pairing plaid with skirts is super cute and fall appropriate. Boots are still OK, just look for some with less Western styling. And leather! Lots of leather!

3) Lace Anything

Chiffon top, $20
Agent Ninetynine striped tank, $30
Hydraulic faded jeans, $43
Not rated shoes, $45
Dorothy Perkins navy handbag, £25
Manumit brass jewelry, £12
Dorothy Perkins zebra print jewelry, £7.50

Lace is huuuuuge right now, but not in the way you think. Lace automatically conjures images of doilies and girliness and grandmas, so it's exciting to see lace with a harder edge. This for date night with the hubby? It's baby makin' time! Throw on a leather jacket and you're all set. Look for lace in unexpected places, like cardigans, tights and accessories. It's major. I want this outfit immediately.

4) Mustard and Gray

H by Henry Holland ruffle top, £15
Dorothy Perkins pleated skirt, £25
2 Lips Too stiletto heels, $50
Quilted handbag, $18
VIcenza stackable ring, £8
Drop earrings, $9.80
Zara belt, $7.90

...or is it grey? It doesn't matter, it's just pretty. I love this dress up look because it's polished without being totally yawn-worthy. It still has enough color to make it clear that you know your stuff. If you're going to do two colors as a theme, make sure to throw something else in there for interest. A pop of red makes the look less matchy matchy. And the shoes? Please. I die. I want to become a secretary at a 50s law firm.

Remember. Just because celebs were glued to Fashion Week doesn't mean you have to. Trying to decipher what the heck designers are getting at gives me a headache. How does trash bag couture translate to the real world? It doesn't. But there are a few gems in there, so it shouldn't be too hard to freshen up for for fall. Oh fall... jackets! Tights! Closed-toe pumps! I can hardly stand it.

What I Wore: The Camera Never Lies

When I first thought up this outfit, it was with my trusty old jeggings. The best part about doing outfit posts is that I actually get to see the clothes on camera through the process. I tried on the outfit that I had planned, took one look at the outfit on the camera's view screen and was like "Ooh, no." Because we all know that when I think I look good and the mirror tells me I look good, the camera will dash all hopes and make me feel like a cow and render me useless and eating ice cream for the rest of the day.

So I ran upstairs to change into new jeans and everything was right with the world again.

Now, I had my 5-year-old daughter taking the pictures again. We had to run to a soccer game before I went out so I wouldn't see my husband in time. Taking pictures with a kindergartner is the most frustrating experience OF MY LIFE. She doesn't understand why she can't jump up and down while lining up the shot and her brother is biting her leg and she really just wants to go play soccer.

Mom of the year.

Anyway, we just spent the week down in Lake Powell, where I wore swimsuits and didn't brush my hair or wear makeup, so it was actually lovely to get back to my rituals at home. As I was blowing out my hair I realized that it is about 50 percent lighter than when it was originally colored, meaning the sun at LP bleached the crap out of it... it also doesn't help that my face is FRIED. I was nervous, but I think I'm getting used to it. It's weird to see myself in the mirror and be like "AH WHO'S THAT!"


Oh! It's just me. In my fall clothes. In 80 degree weather. DEAL WITH IT.

Jeans: Abercrombie & Fitch (Emma)
Wrap shirt: Chris and Carol
Cardi: Derek Heart
Boots: Breckelle's (I LOVE THESE)
Rings: Local craft fair and Lia Sophia
Scarf: Buckle


My daughter calls this "hitting my pose." As in, "Hit your pose, mom!" I don't know when she became such a demanding little stand-in kindergarten photographer.



I love the black, orange and greeny-brown (breen? grown?) of the cardigan together. Bring on colder weather, I have a whole section of my closet that hasn't been used in months!

How to: Get an Awesome Haircut

My new hair cut and color! AND I'm smiling with me teeth! It's a Festivus miracle! I still think I look like a doof but the hair looks good!

So I finally went and I had my hair done yesterday. After three hours in the chair I'm super happy with the transformation, although it's taking some major time to get used to. I've never had hair this light EVER. I told my hairdresser that I've associated myself so long with being a brunette that having blond hair has thrown me off kilter. Am I more fun yet!?

Anyway, while I was talking for THREE HOURS with my main hair girl, Patti, we started discussing what makes a good client and how to get what you want from your hairdresser and I picked up some awesome tips that you'll want to use the next time you head to get a haircut.

I get the worst anxiety before getting my hair done. Like, I feel like I'm going to throw up. I usually want some drastic change and then I sit and stress over how it'll look and what will I do if it doesn't look good and all the rest of it. Most of the world is stressing over an economic crisis right now. Me? WILL MY HAIR BE OK?? So I feel like the better prepared you are for a hair appointment, the better off you'll be with the pregame anxiety.

1) Get a good hairdresser. I never know whether to call them stylists or dressers or what, but whatever you call her, trust her with your life. Or your hair. Same thing. When I lived at home I had an AWFUL hairdresser, only I didn't know she was awful. Her name was like, Lyyza or something stripperish like that and she always wanted to talk about her ex-husband and she NEVER listened to what I wanted. I always came home panicked because she had totally given me bangs or cut too much off or something else that made me freak out.

Since I moved here I've had the same hairdresser for eight years. She lives across the street from me, which is super convenient and she listens much better than my old one. I never leave there thinking OMG WHAT DID SHE DO? It might take a few tries, but if you have a bad haircut or feel like she's not listening to you, don't go back. I kept my crappy hairdresser for like, four years. WHY.

2) Bring pictures. My hairdresser said this was a must. Ambiguously gesturing to your hair while saying things like "Maybe a few inches off but like, layers here and some length over here" is confusing and a recipe for disaster. Scour the web for a few different pictures. I sometimes bring two or three and point out elements that I like from each one, like the banks from one picture but the layers from another. A good hairstylist will be able to interpret what you want with a better idea of what you'd like the outcome to be.

3) Be realistic. Just because you tell your hairdresser you want a Jennifer Aniston cut doesn't mean you'll walk out of there literally looking like Jennifer Aniston. A hairstyle needs to be adjusted for your hair type, length and color, so it's better to have a general ideal of the style you want, rather than perfectly copying someone else's. You'll end up disappointed.

4) Give specific parameters when it comes to color. I really wanted to go lighter but I didn't want it to wash me out. I decided on an ashy blond because I have natural ash brown hair. So I asked specifically for a cooler-toned ash blond, instead of just asking to go lighter. I'm super particular about my color so it was helpful to tell my hairdresser the basic tone I wanted to go for so I didn't end up surprised with like, a strawberry blond.

5) Give your hairdresser a little credit. She's trained and as long as you've done your homework, a good one. While I had a general idea of what I wanted my hair to look like, I have no idea about how anything is actually accomplished. Let your hairdresser be creative and do her work and you'll be happier with the result. Unless you're a stylist yourself, lay off a little. Once you've given the proper parameters, let her do her thing.

6) Ask for advice on how to style and care for your hair once you leave the salon. This is imperative, because you'll leave there with the perfect blowout and after two days it'll be flat and weird and you'll think you have a difficult cut. Instead, watch your stylist as she styles your hair and ask about the products she's using. My hairdresser told me yesterday that lighter, bleached hair curls faster so I should dial down my heated tools. I had no idea! So glad she told me, because that'll make my cut and color last so much longer. And not light on fire. Which is important.

7) Speak up. Once I didn't communicate what I wanted very well and I wasn't in love with the cut I got. After going home I whined about it to my husband and finally hung my head in shame to call my hairdresser for a redo. She was mostly just mortified I didn't say anything while I was actually there. She had me come over that minute and gave me exactly what I wanted after I explained it better.

There's no reason you shouldn't be able to get exactly what you want at the hairdresser's. Seriously, have a loving, communicative relationship with two people in your life: Your spouse and your hairdresser.

Everyone's happy!

Freaky Friday

I have yet another banana Friday planned today. Hopefully I can get another call 15 minutes before I have to be somewhere so I can throw myself together and look generally sweaty and slightly annoyed all day. That was SO FUN.

Also, I have a Pilates class in like, 20 minutes and I'm dreading getting my butt handed to me. I basically took the month of August off from the gym and I am paying for it now. I went on Tuesday and still feel like an old lady when I bend down to pick up toys. The result is a messy house. It's a fair trade, I would say.

Let's do this!


Hmm... I can't help but feel this is a bit... boxy?

*snort*

Also from the back she looks like a flasher.


Most terrifying dress of life.

I don't even... it already has ARMS.

You know what it reminds me of?

THIS.

HAHAHA it still makes me pee.

Sorry for ruining your day like that.


But it's such a GLAMOROUS diaper!


Oh these pants are horrendous. I probably had a pair just like them when I was like 15, that I would wear with a cropped T-shirt and a mini backpack. I am so ashamed of my past.


JUMPSUITS STOP IT. Why. WHY!? This is torture. Also these are like three inches too short and I just can't do this anymore.


Megan sent me this gem and my favorite part was the description. The dress is completely sheer and the company suggested you be daring and wear it over a pair of jeans. I'm sorry, are you Stevie Nicks? I feel like they're confusing "daring" with "chemically unbalanced."


Emily posted these to the fan page and we agreed that they were a gateway shoe for moms who will eventually become "special massagers" like on "The Client List." It's a hard and dirty road, girls.

Also, did you hear that J. Love is going to be in a show version of that terrible movie? Can't wait to see another show featuring her flouncing around in long nightgowns and wearing low cut shirts.


For sexy geek pharmacists. Meow!


How to make your butt look like a squashy pumpkin. 1) Buy these pants. 2) Wear them ridiculously high.

Mission complete.


Kelsey posted some awesome pants on the fan page that she saw IRL at Forever 21. Unfortunately, when I went to find them this morning, they were SOLD OUT. These are the zebra version of the leopard print style she sent me.

Am I taking crazy pills here? Didn't the president JUST give a speech last night about the economy? Yet women are still buying droopy harem pants. It can't be that bad. Sure, the housing market's in the toilet, but ugly-pants-buying must be at an all time high!

Also, I'd like to point out that her first instinct was to grab the crotch. While I don't think it's socially acceptable, it's entirely appropriate.

This girl could be packing heat.

What I Wore: Easy A

"Easy A" is one of my favorite movies ever. I have an unnatural love for teen movies in general. Once, my best friend and I watched "Ten Things I Hate About You" three times in one day and I can completely quote the entire script. I dragged my husband along with me to see "Easy A" in the theatre and have been obsessed ever since. Now I watch it when I'm folding laundry and the kids are napping and I can organize and watch teen movies and drink Crystal Light in PEACE.

One of the things I love about the movie -- besides the amazing level of sarcasm -- is the clothes! So when I was at the gym yesterday, struggling through a round of lunges, I concocted an outfit idea based on the cute clothes in the movie.

No, not these clothes:


I was thinking more like these, at the beginning of the movie before all the pretend sex happens:


I love the idea of wearing wedges with super skinnies to balance out the look, so I gave it a go and totally loved it!


Tank: WalMart (yeah, you read that right! It was $3 AND I got milk and cleaning supplies. You cannot beat that.)
Boyfriend cardi - American Eagle
Jeggings: F21
Wedges: Tilly's
Earrings: Local craft fair
Bag: Aldo
Scarf: H&M

Of course I didn't want it to be a literal translation because I'm not a misunderstood teenager, so I used a scarf and some serious earrings to make the look a little more suburban mom appropriate.



You MUST see the cuteness level of these wedges. They go with everything I own and they are actually comfortable. Zipper roses? Adorbs without being too cutesy. I love it.


Check out these major earrings that I picked up at a local craft fair on Friday. They are literally six inches long. I love me some feathers all day long. Does it matter that I already have five pairs of feather earrings? NO! These are nude. I don't have any in nude.

FUN STORY TIME! So yesterday I was lounging around, still in my workout clothes. I had plans for the night but not until 6, so I had plenty of time.

Until my daughter's soccer coach called at 4:45pm to remind me of soccer team pictures, happening at 5pm. I had to go into psycho mode to get my daughter into her uniform and me ready from shower to dressed in literally 15 minutes. I am pleased to announce that I was only seven minutes late. Still, even running out the door I had the wherewithal to grab a second pair of shoes because I had to leave straight from the field, but I didn't want to be that mom who comes to soccer practice teetering on heels. I am actually THAT vain.

Thank goodness I used my workout time to think about clothes, otherwise who knows what I would have thrown on. See? It pays to plan things like this!

So I got home around 10:30 pm and made my husband take pictures before we went to bed. He was so happy about it too.

Oh my life.

Freaky Friday: My Bad

So I'm going to take a break from our regular Freaky Fridays because I had something happen to me yesterday that was too hilarious slash embarrassing not to share. This just goes to show that for all of my advice and judgmental posts, I still do stupid stuff when it comes to fashion.

So as you all know, yesterday was my hubby's birthday. We decided I'd bring the kids up to his office so we could all go out to lunch together and I wanted to look super cute so that he could spend his birthday relishing in the fact that the last 31 years netted him a pretty wife and adorable children. SO I got out of the shower and started getting dressed. As I put on the shirt I picked out, I realized that I suddenly looked like I had gained roughly 10 pounds overnight. My shirt wouldn't lay flat and instead was all bulgy and weird.

Of course I went into crazypants freakout mode. I tried on at least three other shirts and was panicking because NONE of them looked great. Every time I changed, I'd get the same weird puckering, lines and bulging. I looked soooo fat. Finally, with our lunch date nearing, I threw on my patented fat day outfit -- jeans, a white tee and a huge scarf -- and ran off to make our lunch. While there, I uncharacteristically complained to Justin about my fatness. I was like "I know I skipped the gym these last few weeks but I've been BUSY! Would three weeks make me gain 10 pounds? Did I eat too much popcorn at the movies? WHAT!?" Of course, he told me to chill out and said I wasn't fat and spent his birthday consoling me.

After lunch I had to run to the mall and Justin suggested I pick out a few things for myself. On HIS birthday. But since I don't like to say no, I obliged.

AND OF COURSE everything I tried on looked terrible. Shirts wouldn't lay flat and I just looked weird and dumpy. Don't worry, I still bought a few things, but I wasn't happy about it. I then texted the girls I work out with, letting them know that we would be starting ON MONDAY and committed to no less than six hours per day.

I also swore off cheese bagels. I was that serious.

We had family over for dinner and it wasn't until I was getting undressed for bed that I realized my problem. I had not gained 10 pounds.

I was wearing my underwear backward.

And since it's cut to fit A BUM, all of the excess fabric was making weird bunchiness under my clothes. Not to mention they fit comically high on my hips, making me look all sausagey. Yet somehow I didn't realize any of this until I was getting undressed and saw the tag hanging out the front.

To say that I was relieved won't convey the correct response. I ran into our room and was like JUSTIN I'M NOT FAT I'M JUST STUPID! like it's a fair trade off.

So today, I'm wearing the new shirt I bought yesterday and it looks infinitely better when I have my underwear on properly. I know. I checked.

So my question to you is: have you ever done something super embarrassing while getting dressed? Please, I just sacrificed myself on the altar of dignity telling a couple thousand strangers an underpants story. Seriously. On a related note, the word "panties" makes me simultaneously sweat and want to gag on a spoon. Ugh. Gross. We wear undies in this house.

If you need more encouragement, I have three more as a Freaky Friday offering.

1) The first time I tried on a shirt that had those little straps to go on a hanger, I thought they were part of the shirt and put my arms through them. I was like, 14 and my friends laughed.

2) I was shopping with my husband at Express and the salesgirl did one of those annoying things where she brings me things she "thinks I like" even though she doesn't know my life and I put it on and came out to show my husband, where I was informed that the skirt I was actually a dress, sized for a baby prostitute.

2) I just broke ANOTHER pair of sunglasses. Want proof?


Yup.

So all aboard the fail train! Please tell me I'm not the only one!