Freaky Friday: My Bad

So I'm going to take a break from our regular Freaky Fridays because I had something happen to me yesterday that was too hilarious slash embarrassing not to share. This just goes to show that for all of my advice and judgmental posts, I still do stupid stuff when it comes to fashion.

So as you all know, yesterday was my hubby's birthday. We decided I'd bring the kids up to his office so we could all go out to lunch together and I wanted to look super cute so that he could spend his birthday relishing in the fact that the last 31 years netted him a pretty wife and adorable children. SO I got out of the shower and started getting dressed. As I put on the shirt I picked out, I realized that I suddenly looked like I had gained roughly 10 pounds overnight. My shirt wouldn't lay flat and instead was all bulgy and weird.

Of course I went into crazypants freakout mode. I tried on at least three other shirts and was panicking because NONE of them looked great. Every time I changed, I'd get the same weird puckering, lines and bulging. I looked soooo fat. Finally, with our lunch date nearing, I threw on my patented fat day outfit -- jeans, a white tee and a huge scarf -- and ran off to make our lunch. While there, I uncharacteristically complained to Justin about my fatness. I was like "I know I skipped the gym these last few weeks but I've been BUSY! Would three weeks make me gain 10 pounds? Did I eat too much popcorn at the movies? WHAT!?" Of course, he told me to chill out and said I wasn't fat and spent his birthday consoling me.

After lunch I had to run to the mall and Justin suggested I pick out a few things for myself. On HIS birthday. But since I don't like to say no, I obliged.

AND OF COURSE everything I tried on looked terrible. Shirts wouldn't lay flat and I just looked weird and dumpy. Don't worry, I still bought a few things, but I wasn't happy about it. I then texted the girls I work out with, letting them know that we would be starting ON MONDAY and committed to no less than six hours per day.

I also swore off cheese bagels. I was that serious.

We had family over for dinner and it wasn't until I was getting undressed for bed that I realized my problem. I had not gained 10 pounds.

I was wearing my underwear backward.

And since it's cut to fit A BUM, all of the excess fabric was making weird bunchiness under my clothes. Not to mention they fit comically high on my hips, making me look all sausagey. Yet somehow I didn't realize any of this until I was getting undressed and saw the tag hanging out the front.

To say that I was relieved won't convey the correct response. I ran into our room and was like JUSTIN I'M NOT FAT I'M JUST STUPID! like it's a fair trade off.

So today, I'm wearing the new shirt I bought yesterday and it looks infinitely better when I have my underwear on properly. I know. I checked.

So my question to you is: have you ever done something super embarrassing while getting dressed? Please, I just sacrificed myself on the altar of dignity telling a couple thousand strangers an underpants story. Seriously. On a related note, the word "panties" makes me simultaneously sweat and want to gag on a spoon. Ugh. Gross. We wear undies in this house.

If you need more encouragement, I have three more as a Freaky Friday offering.

1) The first time I tried on a shirt that had those little straps to go on a hanger, I thought they were part of the shirt and put my arms through them. I was like, 14 and my friends laughed.

2) I was shopping with my husband at Express and the salesgirl did one of those annoying things where she brings me things she "thinks I like" even though she doesn't know my life and I put it on and came out to show my husband, where I was informed that the skirt I was actually a dress, sized for a baby prostitute.

2) I just broke ANOTHER pair of sunglasses. Want proof?


Yup.

So all aboard the fail train! Please tell me I'm not the only one!

Happy Birthday to My Hubs!

We're in looooooove and coordinate (BUT NOT MATCH) perfectly for family pictures!

I purposely skipped posting yesterday because today is my husband's birthday! Happy birthday Justin!

Let me tell you a little about Mr. Jae. It might shock you to find out that he is the biggest penny pincher ever known to man. He's gotten better over the years, but he still has a mild heart attack any time I spend over $20 on a pair of shoes. He's had several heart attacks. It's sad, really. He's four years older than me so he has a weak heart, naturally. SO OLD.

Still, I think he's resigned to the fact that he's the saver and I'm the spender. We decided to have separate bank accounts like, three years into our marriage and it's the best decision we've ever made. We have access to each other's money, but he doesn't need to freak out when my account balance is low and I'm not tempted by the piles of money saved in his account.

He's definitely paying for our retirement because I'm too busy paying for leather jackets.

Justin and I are probably the least romantic couple ever. It's really because I didn't like him when we first met. I thought he had a bad attitude. He still does, it just had to grow on me over time. We were really good friends before we started dating, which means our relationship was and is based on a mutual love of making fun of people and Will Ferrell movies. We can't take anything seriously. I don't think we've ever formally talked about our relationship. I don't even know how we got married, because that means Justin would have had to make the effort to actually ask me to marry him and that in and of itself is astounding.

Justin is the strong, silent type. I always joke that after someone meets him for the first time, they always come over to me privately and say, "Does Justin like, totally hate me?" Sometimes he legitimately does, but usually it's just because he doesn't feel like talking. That's why he married me. I do enough for two.

Although I will say that Justin is a kick-butt dad. He's the kind of pops that kids have a seizure over every time he walks in the door because he gets down on the floor and plays and plays and plays. He probably plays Barbies with my daughter more than I do. (I never know what to say past "Hi! My name's Sally." Then me and my daughter are just stuck there staring blankly at each other.) He's really good about keeping the kids so I can get out of the house. I think he had them four out of five nights last week because I was out and about.

He's also a super awesome house designer. His website is in my side bar. He had the genius idea for us to build our own house when we'd only been married a couple of years. He designed the entire thing and LITERALLY built it with his own two hands. Literally. I helped grout the tile nine months pregnant. Now I'm happy about it because I love our house, but I still like to bring that point up. Nine months pregnant!? Really.

And since this is a fashion blog, I'll tell you that he is a fantastic dresser. Mostly because I pick out everything he wears but he had a little Calvin Klein in his closet when we first got together so I knew he was a keeper. Also he's a solid eight inches taller than me, which means I can always wear heels and I appreciate that fact. Way to be tall, shmoopie!

Anyway, what's the point of a blog if you can't use it to wish your significant other a Happy Birthday? THERE IS NO POINT, I SAY!

Plus this gets me out of having to make him breakfast. Win!

Love you, Just. Happy birthday you grouchy old man.

You can say happy birthday to him too. Maybe that will make him like this blog more. He mostly just think it's a nuisance because he has to take pictures of me for What I Wore and he usually just wants to leave already.

What I Wore: Accident Waiting to Happen

AKA me in white pants.

Top: Local boutique
Cargos: Abercrombie and Fitch
Necklace and Ring: F21 (My daughter picked out the necklace. So proud.)
Bangles: Nordstrom

I know I tempt fate every time I wear these blindingly white pants, so they come out very infrequently and whenever it doesn't matter if they stay pristine or not. We spent Saturday shopping around for new shoes for my husband, going to the movies (Yeah Transformers!) and perusing the farmer's market, so it was OK for me to pull out the infamous white pants.

While they're totally inappropriate for any activity ever, I still can't part with these pants. They make my butt look good and as long as they're paired with a graphic tee and some gun metal jewelry, don't look too overly South Beachy. I especially love the cargo detailing. They also have ties to make them into capris, but we all know how I feel about that.

PS: the only thing I got on these on Saturday was some red marker and since we were sitting in a dark theater, I considered it a massive success. I fared better than my husband, who was sprayed with butter as I enthusiastically pumped it all over my popcorn.







Just so you know, this was my "sexy face."

I'm so hot right now.

Freaky Friday: Shoes

So we couldn't all agree on the cuteness that is TOMS, but I will point out that the response was overwhelmingly positive, which means I can wear my sparklers in peace. Someone asked me yesterday if the pair they give away are the same sequined ones, to which I say I sincerely, sincerely hope so. I so hope there's some kid in Africa wearing special edition plum sequined TOMS. That would be sweet.

But, even if we can't agree on TOMS, we can totally agree on awful shoes in general, right? I was sent some awesome examples on the fan page, which you should totally join. Because we make fun of stuff. Who doesn't like making fun of stuff!?


Have I ever told you how much I hate Betsey Johnson as a designer? No? Well I will. I hate Betsey Johnson as a designer. There is nothing OK with these boots, which is why I expect Katy Perry to wear them in her next music video.


I genuinely feel sad for this shoe. It clearly is a flat that wished it was an Oxford that wished it was a flip flop that wished it was a boot that wished it was dead.


I sincerely hope that this was made in a kindergarten class. If so, bravo! If not, BOO, HISS.

How to Take a Completely Lovely Trend and Beat Everyone Over the Head with it Relentlessly: The title of my newest blog. All about this shoe and how I enjoy florals.


On the bright side.....

....nope, I got nothin'. These are ugly. Checkerboard? Really?

Ohhhhh the infamous kitty shoes. I'd like to point out that while they look like they are for three-year-olds, they are from Torrid and therefore not only made for adults, but plus size adults. Because apparently plus sized girls like..... cats? Also, they came in leopard, so be excited for that.

Also they were labeled as "vintage." Could someone kindly point me toward that era in time?

(Thanks, Meleah!)


Oh, Christian Siriano, you hot mess. Please stop designing high fashion shoes for Payless. All it does is convince soccer moms that they can pull off Muppet feet. Although I would like to touch... then pull my hand away in a disgusted fashion. Let's arrange that.

(Thanks, Rachel dear!)

Can we be done with the huge cuff sandals, please? I've never seen one I like and this one is especially horrendous. The twee boy just kills me. It says "I'm avant garde, but I still like lollipops.



Emily notified me of this alarming trend of cross flip flops with interchangeable straps. None of those words should ever go together. I feel like if you want to express your faith, doing so between your toes probably isn't the best method.


I love a red shoe as much as the next girl... I probably have six or seven pairs. Still, I will not be owning this glorified band costume for the foot. Not only are they ugly, but I was a terrible french horn player.

See? I feel like we're all back on the same page now. Happy sighs all around.

TOMS: Love 'Em or Hate 'Em

On my birthday this year I finally took the plunge and bought my first pair of TOMS. I had hummed and hawed over it for the longest time. The pair I wanted were a special edition plum glitter that retailed for about $90, so they were more of an investment than I usually make in casual shoes. Still, every time I passed by them I thought of all the ways I could wear them. Finally, I had my family members donate to the "Buy Jae some TOMS" fund for my birthday gifts and my TOMS were purchased. I'm super happy with them. Not only are they ridiculously comfortable, but the sequins make them a little different. Happiness.

Still, I know that TOMS are kind of polarizing. I will admit that they're pretty darn ugly. But that's pretty much the point. They're supposed to look organic and homemade and not like the usual five inch pumps I usually traipse around in. My husband hates them and can't believe I spent so much. But at the mall yesterday no less that four people stopped me to say they liked my shoes. So I know that you either love them or you hate them.

But they CAN look super cute and casual with different outfits. I've been experimenting with mind and have come up with a few ways to wear TOMS without looking like a complete hispter wannabe.

Rue21 woven shirt, $20
Pleated skirt, $24
Toms shoes, $54
Antique sunglasses, $35
Dorothy Perkins wrap bracelet, £13
Dorothy Perkins red belt, £5

I love to wear mine with a skirt. My little family went over to the local farmer's market last weekend to buy raspberries and this amazing cream syrup and I was super cool and comfy in my skirt and TOMS. They're awesome from making a skirt look less churchy. Also, start loading up on plaid this fall because it's gonna be big. I love the idea with plaid and a girly skirt.

Floral shirt, £24
Old Navy denim short shorts, $13
TOMS white shoes, $44
Metal Mulisha polka dot bag, $35
Mimco tahitian pearl earrings, £30

I also wear my TOMS with my bermuda shorts. Actually, I did that yesterday. It's a nice change from flip flops without being as dressy as flats. Yesterday I just did a floral tank with a boyfriend cardigan and called it a day. It was super easy and I felt like I totally blended in with the tortured teenagers shopping at Hot Topic at the mall. Just kidding.

H m cardigan, £4.99
TopShop stripe shirt, $24
Almost famous jeans, $35
Toms shoes, $44
Vintage handbag, $50
Coral jewelry, 17 AUD
1928 jewelry, $20

I've also worn my TOMS with jeans and was really happy at how casual and easy it looked. I love the idea of wearing them with bootcuts or flares and just have a little of the sequins poke out, but a more subdued pair is every bit as cute for a nautical-inspired outfit like this one. What a perfect outfit for fall shopping, lunch with friends or just generally not looking like a hobo when your husband comes home from work? This would be so cute with a patterned scarf too!

So, what do you think? Do you love TOMS or do you hate them? Remember that every time you buy a pair, they donate a pair to a child in need, which is how I reconciled the $90 price tag when I bought them. They also have super cute wedges and other types of shoes, but I think starting out with a classic TOMS is the way to go. I have my eye on their vegan wrap boots... Christmas?

I call for a vote! Let's see if there are more lovers than haters! Comment away!

What I Wore: Blue Suede Shoes

All my Facebook friends knew when I bought these shoes AND when I got them in the mail, so they should definitely know about the first time I wore them. I'm kind of obsessed with these blue shoes. I have another pair of teal Steve Madden's, but the corset detail on the back of these babies was too adorable to miss. Anad a bow!? Swoon! They came in black, red, nude and blue and I thought, what the heck... everyone needs some blue shoes. Even Elvis knew that.



Tank top: Charlotte Russe
Tuxedo cardigan: Joe
Skirt: Arden B
Shoes: Qupid
Necklace: F21
Bangles: Charlotte Russe

Normally I wouldn't pair blue shoes with a blue top, but I really loved the idea of doing a peacock/jewel tone type of outfit. Still, I'm dying to wear these with a plainer shirt because I think they would be adorable in like, 9,000 different applications.

Also, I thought I looked short in that picture until I realized that the chair behind me looks like it belongs in a dollhouse. Those shoes gave me an extra five or six inches so I clocked in around 5'9", Take that, Tyra!


My peacock necklace sees as much action as I'll give it. It generally matches anything, but I love to wear it with white. Also, fun fact: If your feathered accessories get a little crazy because you left them in your vanity drawer under your makeup case (not that it ever happens to me or anything) use a little hairspray to get it back into shape.



I could not love a human baby as much as I love these shoes.

Blue shoes: Not a must-have, but definitely a probably-should-have.

Freaky Friday

Happy Friday everyone! I have a full day of work and play and a wedding to get to, so let's make fun of some clothes, shall we? It makes me feel better about myself when I haven't gotten dressed yet. I might be wearing pajamas... but at least I'm not wearing this crap!



THIS is why no one dresses femininely or modestly anymore. Because this is what we're left with. A $200 potato sack and a frowny face model.


The other night, my husband and I were folding laundry when he came across a pair of kids overalls. He looked at them for a minute before asking if they were our son's or our daughter's. (Despite being three years apart, they're roughly the same size.) I stared him down before I reminded him that I would never put our children in overalls. Ever. I still don't know where they came from. But we don't do overalls in our family because they always end up looking like your butt needed a snack.

You have to take a stand for something.


Pants... that have pleats...that look like acid wash... that have a droopy crotch....that look like sweatpants. Worn with cute wedges. STOP TOYING WITH MY EMOTIONS!



Is it me or do these pants make this poor model look like she has a 36-inch crotch? I feel like crotch lengthening is NEVER in.


Let's clear this up: Maxi skirts = adorable and cute. Oddly cut Little House on the Prairie skirts = weird and unflattering.



Unfortunately, this spandex.... thing is on backorder for two weeks. 1) Sorry to get your hopes up. 2) Looks like you won't be the only person dressed like a demented Yankee Doodle at the family reunion. Sadface.


I love this. It's like a chic Peter Pan. Wait a minute... I don't love this at all!


Reader Megan sent me a website that had TOO MANY gems. Like these pants, which make you look mysteriously naked.


...or this swimsuit, which makes you look mysteriously lonely.

Also... kitty jowls near your hips is never a good idea. I don't care how much you love cats.

Alright, I'm off and running for the day. I'm excited for my Monday outfit post because it's the debut of my sweet blue shoes. Remember when I said I bought them because I needed blue shoes? When I went to put them in my closet I realized I absolutely had a pair of blue shoes all along. Some would say that means it's probably time to pare down my shoe closet. You know what I would say to that?

Leave now. Never come back. Kthanks.