How to Hide a Superhonkinginormous Zit.

K, whatever. We all get them. Don't be bashful.

I will be the first to admit that my skin sucks. I have super combination skin that is half dry, half oily and super sensitive. (Thanks, redhead mom.) Because of this, nearly everything irritates my skin and I can only purchase products that declare SENSITIVE and FOR LITTLE BABIES LIKE YOU on the label. So I've had to learn to cope with my craptastic skin, and that means covering the zit that occurred as a result of my overzealous facial cream application.

The problem I always see when girls are trying to cover up zits is using WAY too much makeup. Instead of hiding the zit, it creates a neon sign that says "My skin is like a 14 year old boy's!" And we don't want that, do we?

Instead, we're going to use some corrective coloring and a soooooper light hand to hide the zit so you don't feel awkward or suggest that you eat somewhere with dim lighting. Unless you're in to that kind of thing.

Here we go. Let's do some role play and I'll walk you through this. You wake up in the morning because your neighbor's dog is barking outside of your window. Or in my case, the neighbor's chickens. Not barking, clucking. Barking would be weird. ANYWAY. You stumble to the bathroom and see that horror of horrors, you have a zit. CALM DOWN. It will be fine.

1) Shower or else you'll feel gross and greasy all day. Wash your face with a mild cleanser.

2) Moisturize. Use something light and allow it to completely absorb before you attempt anything else.

3) Use a green cream concealer and dot the product lightly over the zit. This will tame the redness so it's not so obvious. If you tend to apply too much makeup, use your ring finger or a small brush to lighten up.

4) Dot foundation over your face and place ONE DOT on the zit. ONE. Then blend with your fingertips to cover.

5) Use a brush with short, rounded bristles to apply powder. Instead of swirling the powder around your face, stipple. This is what will make your skin look normal rather than cakey around your zit. Otherwise you just have a weirdly textured bump on your skin and who wants that. Just dab at the area with your short brush until everything's blended and then finish applying powder to the rest of your face.

How easy was that? Five steps and your zit is gonzo. Or at least gonzo until you wash your makeup off at night. But then only your husband can see you, and I feel like after a certain amount of time, they just stop caring about your zits. Especially if you have boobs too. If your husband ever makes a comment about a zit, just say "May I direct your attention to my chest?"

Because boobs are the greatest concealer of all, my friends. See? I even made a diagram. Can you even tell I had a zit in this picture? No. You can barely tell that this picture was inexplicably taken in a pig pen. It's all been CONCEALED!


(PS I apologize to my brothers who sometimes read this blog. I don't think they ever wanted to see a Paint-altered photo of me in which my boobs are labeled. Family dinner will be awkward.)

Makeup Week: Jae's Guide to Corrective Coloring

We haven't had a theme week in so long and I miss it! Plus I just did a makeup buying binge and I spent like two hours playing with it all and now I feel like talking about face paint.

Specifically corrective color. No, that's not what you do when you accidentally dye your hair bright yellow in an effort to look like Gwen Stefani. Corrective color is a makeup technique which uses different colors of primer and concealor in order to camouflage super common skin problems. I first started using corrective coloring when I had my first baby and learned that I looked perpetually dead tired. Even when I wasn't, I looked like the Corpse Bride after months of that time warp that is having a new baby. Once I figured out how to use different colors to my advantage I learned to fake it like I was bright and perky and well rested.

And then we laughed and laughed...

Anyway, it's a super easy concept. A flawless face is evenly toned. In order to fake it like you have an even tone, you need to neutralize problem areas. How do you neutralize dark circles, a zit or rosacea? By covering it with the color that is opposite your problem area on the color wheel. Does that make any sense? For instance, say you have one of the awful zits that sits under the skin and never emerges and makes you feel like punching a baby seal every time you accidentally touch it. Since green is opposite red on the color wheel, a green concealor will neutralize the red before you put on your foundation to cover it completely. Brilliant!

You can use four different colors in order to correct the various flaws on your face. Green is best for red, like zits, sunburn or rosacea. I use yellow to neutralize purple and blue, which usually show up under my eyes when I've been up all night watching basketball with my husband and wishing I were dead. Pink can help neutralize gray, which is awesome if your skin looks sallow from tiredness. You can also use a blue makeup to help tone down yellow and orange tones should you apply a makeup that is too yellowy. (I've also used blue to cover one of those nasty fading yellow bruises on my leg when I was wearing a skirt. That totally makes me sound like a battered woman. I promise it was because I shut my leg into a car door. Who does that?)

When covering flaws that change the texture of the skin, I prefer a cream-based color. It helps to smooth over any bumpy areas while filling in any divots lefts by scarring or anything like that. If I want to just change the color and my texture is fine, I like a powder, like under my eyes. It's lighter.

If you want to try using corrective color, start with a bare face. Apply your color BEFORE your foundation, otherwise you will have a colorful rainbow face and that's weird. So I might apply a mixture of yellow and pink under my eyes to tame the purple and gray areas while using a bit of green around my nose where I tend to be redder. THEN I brush on my foundation (I use Bare Minerals) and I'm good to go. It totally fakes the appearance of smooth, flawless skin without caking a ton of concealer and foundation over the problems, which totally just makes them more obvious BY THE WAY.

As for products, I like something that gives me more for my money. I've liked both Physician's Formula and ELF because both offer kits with several colors that you can blend and brush to my little heart's delight.

Now that we know how to use corrective color, tomorrow we'll discuss using the technique to cover a superhonkinginormous zit. Which I really feel should not be an issue at age 27, but c'est la vie. It happens to the best of us.

Do You Have Baby Fat To Lose??

Do you think that because you had a baby or two or even three that you can't lose your baby fat?

I have to be honest with you, I have three girls whom I all love to death and wouldn't change for anything but it does take a toll on the body. Be pregnant changed my body in ways I couldn't have dreamed. Did you know that your feet can change permanently while pregnant? Along with my feet I saw changes in my hips, but even though I saw some changes in my body after having children, I didn't allow having children become an excuse. I didn't allow it to become an excuse to eat anything I want or not to exercise because I'm too busy. I have to admit, I had to become a little more creative with my workouts but I always get them in-even if it's only 10 min.

I was recently reading an article about 4 moms who worked hard and lost their baby fat ( I like to be inspired as well) and it confirmed to me what I already know, but it's nice to read about people having great success after going through one of the most challenging things a body can do. It also proved to me once more that with hard work and determination anyone can get the results they want.

I know first hand what having a baby can do to your body, but I also know that after my second daughter who I gained 10 more pounds with than my first, I was also in the best shape of my life after 12 weeks of hard work.

How To Lose Your Baby Fat.

1) Don't wait too long to start getting back into shape. Of course make sure you have the green light from your doctor, but if you keep putting it off it will only get harder.

2)No Excuses. Now that you have a baby in your life, life will never be the same again. Time will never be just yours and you have someone else to think about, but that doesn't mean you get to completely ignore yourself. The best thing about babies is that they will sleep anywhere (most of the time). Take them out in the stroller and do your exercises outside. Join a stroller class. Not only will you get out, you will meet other moms with the same goal as yourself.

3) Workout at Home. The great thing with workouts is that you don't need to go to the gym to get a great workout in. You can invest in some simple inexpensive equipment like dumbbells, a stability ball and some tubes and you have everything you need for a challenging workout in your living room.

4) Just Get Started. Don't wait for the perfect time because it will never come. You will always be tired, and you will always have laundry to do. If you wait for a better time it will never come and you could end up spending years waiting. If you have 10 min. then get it in then. I have do power workouts before and believe me when I say that you can pack in alot in 10 min.

My favourite do anywhere exercises:

1. interval training for cardio. You can walk or run (when you are ready). You can do it outside or on a treadmill or bike.

2. Lunges. As you know, this is my favourite all time exercise. It targets the entire lower body.

3. Burpees. You can do these anywhere and it gets your heart rate really going.

4. Push Ups- A great over all upper body exercise.

5. Bicycle Abs.

Don't give in to the excuses. Just because you have a baby doesn't mean you have to look like you have a baby. You determine what you are going to look like not your baby. Set your goals, be consistent and you will see great results.

Committed to your fitness success,
Kelly Parker
www.fitmommakeover.net

Freaky Friday: Makeup

So next week is going to be makeup week! YAY! I'm excited because it gives me an excuse to buy new makeup. And I thought I'd better preface it with some really bad makeup, so when I do tips and tutorials next week, you'll be like OMG Jae is a genius! It kinda goes with the whole smoke and mirrors thing. Shhhh don't tell.



I'd be scared except for that delightful daisy on his head.


Just in case you were looking to bring the age old clown fantasy to life. It's the nose that turns me on.



I really don't think I like her demeanor.


I don't know what's going on in this picture, but I can only assume it's one of the places that Stefan was talking about. Stefan makes me cry with laughter and a little uncomfortable at the same time.



Hey! Not only do you get to see a closeup of creepy blow up doll makeup, but it comes with a tutorial too! I want to see this at the next PTA meeting, k?


Don't look at me. I didn't paint you like the most depressed clown ever.


Silver eyeliner in the daytime? For shame, Gaga, FOR SHAME. (I've decided that if I don't acknowledge her constant search for shock then she'll start dressing like a human being. Fingers crossed!)


One time one of my best friends had a little too much to drink and then asked me to do her makeup. In the process, she started crying and her makeup ran down her eyes and I convinced her that it looked "Heroin Chic" and sent her back to the party. I haven't the slightest clue as to why the memory was triggered just now.

Alright, so next week when it's all about makeup you can be impressed by my skillz. If not, come back to this post and then read again and I promise you will.

Best Dress Ever!

I found myself at the mall the other day. Do you notice that all of my good stories are about finding myself at the mall? Anyway, my kids were bored, it was rainy, there was a play area. I gravitated toward it. While passing by the stores, I decided to pop into Charlotte Russe, which I haven't done in forever. They were having a huge maxi dress sale and with the warmer temps, I could not resist.

And then I saw her. The world's most perfect maxi dress. I was so excited because while I own five or so maxi dresses, I'm always having to modify them with a tank under or a cardi over. I wanted a dress that I could throw on without any alterations.

I give you the most perfect maxi dress ever made:



Oh, it may not look like much in the picture, but when I put it on, I knew I had found love. A deep-v that I can wear without a cami, fluttery, non-sausage arm inducing sleeves and the right length to wear with my favorite leather wedges.

So I carried her triumphantly to the cash register, where I learned that she was also 50 percent off.

So I bought a pair of jeans too.

I want to wear her every day of my life. So. Happy. I've worn the dress once and added gold bangles, a honkin' huge fuchsia ring and coral earrings. I looked like a disco queen and I loved it.

Just wanted you to share in my joy.

Come onnnnn summer shopping season!

Freaky Friday: Royal Wedding Edition

Just in case you weren't tired enough of Matt Lauer going on about the wedding, I had to weigh in. I'll admit I absolutely did not get up to watch the wedding take place. Instead I woke up around 8 and tuned into the Today Show for the sole purpose of seeing the dress. Union for the British Monarchy? I don't care... what was she wearing?



Um she was wearing the most awesome dress of all time. The only thing that makes me sad is that now this dress will be mass produced and everyone will wear it. C'est la vie. But this dress was spot on. The creative director for Alexander McQueen dressed her and I think it is pretty brilliant. I'm so relieved she didn't end up in some foofy concoction.


Speaking of concoctions, how many alcoholic versions did this girl drink before getting dressed? The only thing worse than the electric blue dress is the shoes, clutch, gloves and wackadoo hat. So basically the whole outfit. It looks like she was trying to fulfill the tacky drunk bridesmaid role.


So I love Joss Stone, but she always looks generally unwashed and barefoot. How did she clean up this nicely? I covet this dress. And the hat? Cute without being psychotic and attention grubbing UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE.


Just kidding, not you Queen Elizabeth. I can't say anything mean about you because I'm Canadian.


I LOVED Pippa's dress. And the name Pippa. If I ever have another baby, I will name it Pippa, boy or girl. Just kidding, I'll never have another baby. Next fish I get. Pippa for sure.


Unlike Miss Tim Burton over here. Like, she's totally not married to Tim Burton but her outfit is a little creepy like a Tim Burton movie is. Although, after looking at all of these pictures I feel like I need to invest in a pair of gloves.


Hellllooooo Mrs. Prime Minister! She did it right and looks like she was also reading my blog and learning about the importance of a nude shoe. I appreciate your allegiance! She's lovely.


You know what really helps Victoria Beckham's ice queen reputation? Wearing all black to a wedding. Not to mention I hate when pregnant women cover their bumps with giant clothes. Show it off! It's the only time it's socially acceptable to have a gargantuan belly.

Becks on the other hand looks dapper and adorable and I want to marry him immediately even though his voice is jarringly high and feminine.


Oh sisters. I can only imagine that Eugenie thought she would steal the show with her bright blue dress until Beatrice sauntered in with a massive cameo necklace pinned to her head. IN YOUR FACE 'GENIE!.


Kate's mom looked adorable. And I always feel badly for Camilla. I would really hate to be known as the other woman for the rest of my life. Of course, that's because I've never been an other woman and that would be a fat lie. Maybe it's different if you really are the other woman?

So, now that the wedding is over, can I get back to watching normal TV again? I swear, if TLC plays another version of the Wills and Kate love story instead of Strange Addictions I WILL cry.

(Photo credits: Geoff Pugh, REUTERS, Getty Images and PA)

Smoke and Mirrors

So I was driving around with a friend the other day, and we were discussing how we both needed to get into shape because swimming season is like, next month despite the fact that I live on a flipping mountain and I'm fairly sure it will never stop snowing, ever. Anyway, she made a comment about my being in shape and I almost laughed out loud. I know for a fact that my love of Big Macs and Mini Eggs will never allow me to be one of those intimidating hard-bodied workout types. It's just not me.

Still, I workout and *mostly* eat well, but the rest is all done with clothes. I completely believe in the power of clothes to trick the eye and make me look thinner than I really am. Plus, as a teenager, I had two best friends who were impossibly tiny and I still think of myself as the chubby one. I know I'm not chubby, but teenager stuff like that NEVER goes away. So I obsess over smoke and mirrors to get in shape without having to hit the gym. It's all about the instant gratification, baby!

Want my secrets? Ooookay. But first I will point out that anyone who knows me in real life will now know the jig is up and see that I only fake being in shape. Boo.

Scarves

When I'm feeling a little chubby 'round the old middle, a scarf is the fastest way to bring the eyes up to the face. Plus, it's long enough that it lengthens out the whole torso so everyone wins. Seriously though, it's also the fastest way to look fashionable without doing anything. I wear a scarf when I'm in a white tee and jeans and don't feel like putting anything else together. Skinny and fashion forward? I'll take it! Just look for gauzey scarves. 10 points if it's the color or this one from Lorisshoes.com because I heart it.

Wide Belts

After my second pregnancy, when my body didn't do the old bounceroo back into shape like the first time around, I took to wearing wider belts a lot of the time. And people would be like "Hey, how'd you get into shape so fast?" But really I'd just tucked it all in. Is that gross? Anyway, a wide belt can really camouflage a larger belly AND create a middle when you lack one. The big trick is to ensure that it isn't too tight. Sausage belts are a pet peeve of mine. Let it hug you, not squeeze you. There's a difference. Ask a boa constrictor. (F21)

Dresses


I wear dresses all. the time. Not only do they make me feel super feminine, but they make me look skinny, so bonus. It's because dresses create a long, uninterrupted line on your body so you look overall leaner. If you really want to go for full skinny potential, look for an a-line dress like this pretty one from Ruche. Add a little cardigan and how cute and svelte are you?

Trickster Shoes

Nude pumps are the equivalent to Bridget Jones' scary granny panties in the sense that they create this glorious illusion that is in no way true. While I have fairly long legs, the rest of me is pretty stumpy (seriously, my arms are so short that I can't touch my toes when stretching. It has nothing to do with flexibility, I swear) but when I put on a pair of nude pumps, I suddenly have these crazy long, slender legs and actually look something akin to statuesque. Of course, then I come home and put on my polka-dot cow socks and the illusion is utterly ruined, but I got it for a few hours, right? Look for nude pumps that have an open design. Straps and buckles need not apply. (PiperLime)

Structure


Structure can help lock and load your body so you look more put together. Wearing empire waist shirts and loosey goosey pants is all well and good, but when you're having a fat day, forget about it. Stick with button up shirts, blazers and more tailored pieces. And how adorbs is this Buckle blazer. I would be lying if I said I wasn't considering going to the mall and buying it immediately. Tailored clothes like this will shave inches off of your frame (not literally, that would be super dangerous) and nip in your body so you look tinier. Seriously. If I'm wearing a blazer, you can be sure that I binged on Little Debbie Cosmic Brownies the previous night and am making up for it via clothes.

Oh clothes, you never fail me.