Freaky Friday: Fun With Keywords

Today's Freaky Friday is late because it's my daughter's 5th birthday party and I'm gearing up for the invasion of 12 kids. I'm bolting down breakables, duct taping things to the wall... you know, the usual stuff. But I have a few seconds of downtime, so I think it's time to go through my keywords!

If you've never experience a "Fun With Keywords" post before, it's when I look through my site statistics to find out what people are searching in order to find my site. Since I talk about everything from Full House to uterus pillows, I get a lot of weird ones.


Here we go!

--"Winking oil sexy body"

Sweet mother of mercy, get a girlfriend. Also, I want to know how surprised this guy was when he searched what amounts to Victoria's Secret and ended up here, a website for MOMS. I guess, if you're into that kind of thing...

Awkward.

--"Man coin slot."

What? Why?

--"What does a mom look like?"

Here you go!

'
That should be in the Mullet Hall of Fame. You work it, Carol!

--"Faux fur reindeer shrug."

Um, WTH? Who wears reindeer? And how do you explain that to your kid. You know what would be funny? Putting a blinking red nose on your reindeer shrug. Just for kicks.

--"Obnoxious wedding dress."

OMG you guys, how obsessed am I with wedding shoes? The answer is: very obsessed. I watch an average of 300 "Say Yes to the Dress" episodes PER DAY. And nothing annoys me more then girls who describe their ultimate wedding look to be like a PRINCESS.

But.... you're not a princess.

So I'm basically against any dress that is larger than a Mini Cooper. You'll just be bumping into people all night. THAT'S obnoxious.


Ew.

--"Desperate need to pee/"

WHO takes the time to head to google to type this in? JUST GO! I have nothing more to say to you.

--"Sexy phantom costume."

I hate you for making me do this.

Just so you know, every time you search "SEXY" in front of any costume idea, Hitler eats a baby seal.


--"Lady Gaga dressed normally."





*crickets*




riiiiiiight.

Also, with my awesome typing skills, I first typed her name out as "Lad Gag." Hilarious.

Thanks to the freaks who actually search this stuff. I love logging into StatCounter to see what you crazy kids will come up with next.

Now, I'm off to gird my loins for a child party invasion. Wish me luck.

Upping the Ante for Spring Shopping

Now is about the time every year that I get stuck in a rut, fashion-wise. Something about the doom and gloom weather and the craziness of my kids makes me want to hide in my room wearing my husband's sweatpants and that free shirt I got from work. This is when I have to work the hardest to put myself together and get going! Since I have a strict "no staying at home all day rule" it means I usually have to, at the very least, put on pants. So it's time to try a few new things.

I have to admit, I get annoyed when I hear someone say, "I couldn't pull that off," after viewing a style or trend. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? I contest that there's always some element of style that you can incorporate into your current wardrobe so that it looks up to day without you looking like a trend whore.

By taking your cues from a handful of trends, it's a good way to add new pieces to your wardrobe without spending a ton of cash while making things look new and different. Observe:

Something girly:

(Charlotte Russe)

Girly pieces look best when paired with decidedly ungirly clothes. I would pair these with my favorite gray pencil skirt and a structured shirt and cardigan a la Mad Men. If you pair with girly things, it's a tad too sweet... like a Fun Dip. Mmmm Fun Dips. But Fun Dips always give me canker sores. What I'm saying here is that too much girliness is not a good thing. Look for pale, ballerina-esque colors and ruffles. When I went on a search for ruffled things there was WAY too many I wanted to buy. My husband will not be impressed.

Something sexy:


(Alloy)
It hurts my heart when a woman doesn't own anything that helps her to feel smokin' hot. The problem is that sexy is usually perceived to be skin tight and that is no bueno when you're battling post-baby bulge and that Chocolate Cream Pie Shake you had yesterday (Which I learned has 700 calories AFTER I consumed one in like, 3 seconds. Kill me.) Instead, look for form-fitting, with details that make you feel more comfortable. Ruching around the waist? Check. Bouse-y sleeves that hide heavier arms? Check. Deep v-neck so your hubby's eyes pop out of his head like he's a cartoon character (A-wooo-ga!)? Check and check. Can you imagine this with a pair of bootcut jeans and heels? Simple but hot.

Something biker or rocker inspired:


(Delias)
My love for a good biker jacket is well documented. I have five. I just think they make bodies look insane with the seaming and the higher neck. Awesome. Buy one. If you already have a biker jacket, look for other biker/rocker wear to add to girlier pieces. Studded shoes, a leather bracelet, whatever. I like that rock-inspired pieces add immediate texture to whatever I'm wearing. Jeans and boots are just meh, but then I add a corded necklace and everything is tied together.

Something fancy:


(F21)
I love things that look substantial and expensive without costing a ton. This little baby is $5 and I WILL HAVE IT. You should have something equally ornate and expensive in your wardrobe or jewelry box. It's awesome to dress up an otherwise plain outfit. I have a brown wrap dress that I adore but is hard to accessorize. This would be perfect because it lends a pop of color and all I'd need is a pair of stud earrings to finish things off. Plus, aqua blue is awesome on everyone.

Something bright:


(Delias)
It's spring, people! Time to shuck the gray, brown and black for something that doesn't make you feel like a sad emo kid. A super bright piece can anchor a whole outfit. Even if you're wearing the same slacks and flats you always do, add something bright near your face and you're guaranteed compliments. I love the idea of this belted with a brown leather belt too, so it's not so shapeless. Either way, it's a adorable, hence your adorableness while wearing it.

K, so do you have your lists ready. I'm going to have Tim Gunn moment and tell you to make it work. The next time you see a celeb wearing a trend you'd love to try, find a way to do it on a small scale and I promise you'll be able to "pull it off." By updating a few key pieces in your wardrobe you automatically update just about everything else. Super easy and affordable. I wish I could take everyone shopping!

Unless you were excited about Gaga dressing in an egg. With an oxygen tank. That is neither safe nor attractive. I would have been more impressed if someone literally gave birth to her on stage.

Oh no... I'm giving her ideas.

Bonus: How to Shop With Kids

Just had some adorbs pictures to post. (YAY iPhone!)

I have two kids, who are two and five. This can mean exasperation when shopping together. My daughter is an awesome shopping partner and totally tells me how I look in things. My son? He'd pretty much rather get immunizations than come to the mall. Unfortunately, their mother is a shopaholic so they end up at the stores with me more often than not. We've learned to deal with. Mama gets the shopping shakes when she hasn't been for a while.

But we make it fun. I shop with my kids by:

1. Bribing with pretzel bites and lemonade.

2. Allowing my son to watch "Go Diego Go!" on my phone.

3. Doing my best to endear my children in the hearts of women who work retail so they don't hate me when my son licks the mirrors.

4. Yelling at my son to stop peeking under the fitting room walls like a creep. Then apologizing to strangers.

5. Parking by the play structure and bribing my children for the entire time.

6. Chick-Fil-A. This is also fun for me. Not so fun when the salesperson informs me that they've run out of the skirt that I want but I can take the size 2 from the mannequin. I have just eaten eight pieces of delicious chicken. Ohhhhhh dear. (PS I totally bought it and then vowed to stop eating Chick-Fil-A..... until tomorrow.)

7. Going for frequent rides up and down the escalator. Sorry, Macy's.

8. Bringing my husband, who can get the kids gumballs while I hum and haw over large purchases. By "hum and haw" I mean purchase without thinking and then panic later.

9. Two words: Disney. Store. Speaking of large purchases.......

10. Employing the buddy system. Yeah, we're like seven feet across and no one can get by us. But I do get audible "awwwws" when people see my kids happily holding hands while we walk through the department store.

Awesome.





We have got this DOWN.

Freaky Friday: Shoes

So I actually keep a file on my computer so save ugly things in. Then, when I have a file full I can do a Freaky Friday. I sit around and worry over my computer crashing and then having to take it into the Geek Squad or something and them being like "Um, what the heck is all of this stuff?" Luckily my brother in law (Hi Shane!) is my resident computer-fixer and he knows my love for ugly fashion. I am saved.




K, so one question. Where does your toe go? Because if you have to jam that golf ball in between your toes it will not be cute. Plus these weirdo hybrid boot sandals ALWAYS remind me of a llama.


See? The tail and everything, right?



I get the whole barefoot running movement thing, but these are an abomination any way you slice it.

Speaking of running abominations, TONING SHOES. Once, I was in high school and I bought these Converse clog-type thingies and wore them to school thinking I was the coolest person to ever walk the earth. One of my friends watched me walk into Ancient History class and then yelled, "Get a load of those clodhoppers!" I was crushed. They looked like this shoe. Also, google American Council on Exercise and toning shoes and see what you find concerning their effectiveness. Your feet are suffering in Frankenstein shoes for nothing.


I hope everyone had a really good Valentine's day. Also, I hope that if you tried to be sexy and wear shoes like this to bed, that you tripped and knocked over a candle and burned your house down. That's how much I hate these. K, fine. Not burned your house down... that's mean. Kicked your husband in the face? We have a winner!



These are actually the newest shoe from Adidas. I can't wait to wear them, play jump rope, trade stickers and play Pogs with my friends while wearing them.

That's funny, I wasn't aware my five year old daughter was designing shoes. Way to go, Addie.


OMGOMGOMG. Has anyone seen this infomercial? It makes me want to vomit every time it's on. Something about the bristles going in between the girl's feet makes me ill. Like... it's a foot fetishist's dream. Also, in one part of the commercial this thing is stuck to the shower wall. Who is that acrobatic? WHO!?

Alright, I'm signing off for another week. I will tell you that my hubs got me an iPhone for V-day and I expect to put it to good use snapping pics of stuff I see when I'm out and about. The other day I saw a woman wearing baggy knee shorts and knee high boots. It was awful. I wish you all could have seen.

Trend Alert: The 70s

I have been super excited to page through my fashion mags to see a huge resurgence of 70s style. Why do I love it so? One word:

Flares.

See, I have a fair amount of junk in the trunk. Don't worry. Most days I appreciate it as heartily as Sir Mix Alot. But it means that a lot of trends just don't look good on my frame, since I sometimes end up looking kind of like Humpty Dumpty. With good shoes. But Humpty Dumpty nonetheless.

Flares are like bootcut pants' kooky sister. She's a little more daring and fun to wear, and she might just embarrass you at the family reunion.

Wait. What?

Also, because flares have more volume around the hem, they can balance out a generous boo-tay, if you know what I mean. The best part is that you can do a flare in a polished trouser which is SO easy to wear and generally looks good on everyone. YAY!

Anyhow, the problem with dressing like you're from the 70s is that you look like you're dressing like someone from the 70s. Decade dressing can be tricky, since it can lead you into costume territory. Costumes are bad for everyday, for those of you keeping track.

If you're like me, and can't wait to get your moderately sized butt to the mall to pick up some 70s inspired gear, let's keep some things in mind.

In general, this is scary.

You are not on rollerskates, nor are you at Studio 54. Sorry. Also, that is the longest crotch I've ever seen. Terrifying.

The look to go for here is modern and polished. Not scary and figure skatery. Like so:

(Gap) *Drool* Helloooooo, nurse.

Try something more along the lines of this.

Harper Military Shirt, $15
!iT Jeans Dream Diva Stretch Jean, $50
QUPID Saydie Rugged Rivet Womens Shoes, $27
Nine West Dark Angel, Satchel Ruffle and Bow Satchel (GRAY), $40
Jessica Simpson - Holiday Flower Swag Necklace..., $44
Gold bow ring, 4 GBP
Miss Selfridge Cream Patent Skinny Belt: compare and buy |..., 28 GBP

When attempting the 70s trend, you're going to want to find a crisp shirt up top. A flowy shirt will make you look like a hippy every time. Then tuck that bad boy in and finish with a SKINNY belt. This is key. Lock and load, baby. Look for jeans that have trouser detailing, where the hem of the jean is wider than the knee. You want the jeans to fit tight in the butt. Loose trouser or flare jeans are bad news bears. Then, finish off with 70s-reminiscent items like gold jewelry. This hearkens to the trend without causing you to become a super big trend whore.

When choosing shoes, look for something more substantial to wear with this trend. Wedges are best, but a stacked heel, heavy details or a chunkier heel will work as well.

Finish off with some super stylish aviators and you are on your way to trendiness.

See? Super easy to pull off and VERY forgiving in the body department. This. Is. Awesome. So what do you think? Trend to try? Or will you ditch it and watch Starsky and Hutch instead? I need opinions!

Strengthen Your Core, Get Sexy Abs

Imagine getting sexy abs, having more stamina, strength, power and balance. You can--with the right kind of ab training.

If you want toned, flat abs, stop doing a million crunches and start fine tuning your sense of balance. Core training is a phrase that has been tossed around for a while now, appearing in magazines and used by trainers to help their clients get their best body. Performing it properly is another story.

To get great looking abs you have to train them in more than one way. You also need to train your back. The trick to good core training is to challenge stability in multiple planes of movement using a variety of exercises.

Some of my favourite pieces of equipment that are relatively inexpensive or can often be found at your local gym are the stability ball, the Bosu, and something as simple as a piece of foam or towel. The reason these are all great is they challenge your balance which challenges your core.

Instead of using a solid bench you can use a stability ball. You need to activate your core muscles to stay on the ball. A great exercise is taking the simple bench press off the bench and onto the ball.

Start by sitting on it and rolling out until your shoulders and head are on it. Activate your abs by drawing your belly button in towards your spine. Keep your hips up. Hold a fairly light weight to start and have your arms in a right angle position. Press the weight up over your chest bringing the hands close together. Lower until you feel a slight stretch in your chest (about parallel to floor) then repeat. Try and always exhale as you push the weight up over your chest.

One of my most favourite pieces of balance equipment will not only work your core but work the entire body is the Bosu balance trainer. It looks like half a ball. I have a million favourites on the Bosu but some really good ones to work on your core is simply balancing on it.

Start by simply standing on it. Have your legs slightly bent, belly button pulled in and work on not falling off. If this is really easy, try standing on one leg.




Using a foam or towel is similar to the bosu. It creates instability. You can stand on it like the bosu or you can try exercises like a squat on it. As with all the exercises pull your belly button in and exhale on the hard part of the exercise.

Once you master exercises like standing and squatting, you can try adding some rotation. Start by simply standing tall, belly in, and both arms stretched out to the side. Take one hand and bring it around to meet the other, then switch sides. You can also try bending down to take one hand to the opposite toe.

By adding exercises more than just crunches you will not only give yourself great looking abs, you will give your body strength, power and balance.

Committed to your fitness success,
Kelly Parker
www.fitmommakeover.net

Freaky Friday

Happy Friday, all! I've decided to strike while the iron's hot and finally see Harry Potter tonight. Yup, I'm a book nerd in a disguise. So let's get this show on the road so I can go nurse my girl crush on Hermione Granger.



I absolutely had this vest when I was 10. I also had a teal green one-piece jumpsuit covered in rhinestones and sequins, so that doesn't make it OK.


Excuse me miss? Your $500 dress is caught in your underpants. Embarrassing. Wait, it's supposed to be like that? Carry on then.


Did you guys know that Snuffie here was designing?


And skinning himself, apparently.

(The model's face makes me laugh so hard. She's trying her best to look regal. Really she is. I would love to offer a sandwich)


K, couple things here. This shoe definitely looks like a cow hoof. I don't think, at any time, should a woman wear anything reminiscent of a cow. Second. WHY is it falling apart at the back? So not only are you a cow, but you're a sloppy, poor cow.


Hey, my dad from 1985 called. He wants his Seinfeld sweater back. He's also mad you shrunk it in the wash because he was thinking about wearing it again.


This is called the "Military Lace" dress. Bit literal, isn't it? I was totally on board until it hit the knees.


Its like sweatpants for your feet!


This is from Snookie's line of slippers. I can't believe I just typed that. Just kill me immediately. I have a friend who works in marketing and she actually works on some of Snookie's tweets. I think she should tweet, "OMG just designed some slippers while I was WASTED. Will sell them for $29.95 and stuff the money in my poof."


Hey, I love Urban Outfitters as much as the next hipster. But these overalls are not cute. When I was a teenager, one of my best friends had this pair of overalls that I COVETED. Then I realized I was not a train conductor. You are also not a train conductor. Avoid.
s(Thanks, Linda!)

Any awesome plans for the weekend? You guys, I haven't gone shopping in FOREVER. Actually, I went on Saturday but all I bought was a couple of plain pocket t's and where is the fun in that? I would like to purchase something extravagant instead.