Freaky Friday: Shoes

So I actually keep a file on my computer so save ugly things in. Then, when I have a file full I can do a Freaky Friday. I sit around and worry over my computer crashing and then having to take it into the Geek Squad or something and them being like "Um, what the heck is all of this stuff?" Luckily my brother in law (Hi Shane!) is my resident computer-fixer and he knows my love for ugly fashion. I am saved.




K, so one question. Where does your toe go? Because if you have to jam that golf ball in between your toes it will not be cute. Plus these weirdo hybrid boot sandals ALWAYS remind me of a llama.


See? The tail and everything, right?



I get the whole barefoot running movement thing, but these are an abomination any way you slice it.

Speaking of running abominations, TONING SHOES. Once, I was in high school and I bought these Converse clog-type thingies and wore them to school thinking I was the coolest person to ever walk the earth. One of my friends watched me walk into Ancient History class and then yelled, "Get a load of those clodhoppers!" I was crushed. They looked like this shoe. Also, google American Council on Exercise and toning shoes and see what you find concerning their effectiveness. Your feet are suffering in Frankenstein shoes for nothing.


I hope everyone had a really good Valentine's day. Also, I hope that if you tried to be sexy and wear shoes like this to bed, that you tripped and knocked over a candle and burned your house down. That's how much I hate these. K, fine. Not burned your house down... that's mean. Kicked your husband in the face? We have a winner!



These are actually the newest shoe from Adidas. I can't wait to wear them, play jump rope, trade stickers and play Pogs with my friends while wearing them.

That's funny, I wasn't aware my five year old daughter was designing shoes. Way to go, Addie.


OMGOMGOMG. Has anyone seen this infomercial? It makes me want to vomit every time it's on. Something about the bristles going in between the girl's feet makes me ill. Like... it's a foot fetishist's dream. Also, in one part of the commercial this thing is stuck to the shower wall. Who is that acrobatic? WHO!?

Alright, I'm signing off for another week. I will tell you that my hubs got me an iPhone for V-day and I expect to put it to good use snapping pics of stuff I see when I'm out and about. The other day I saw a woman wearing baggy knee shorts and knee high boots. It was awful. I wish you all could have seen.

Trend Alert: The 70s

I have been super excited to page through my fashion mags to see a huge resurgence of 70s style. Why do I love it so? One word:

Flares.

See, I have a fair amount of junk in the trunk. Don't worry. Most days I appreciate it as heartily as Sir Mix Alot. But it means that a lot of trends just don't look good on my frame, since I sometimes end up looking kind of like Humpty Dumpty. With good shoes. But Humpty Dumpty nonetheless.

Flares are like bootcut pants' kooky sister. She's a little more daring and fun to wear, and she might just embarrass you at the family reunion.

Wait. What?

Also, because flares have more volume around the hem, they can balance out a generous boo-tay, if you know what I mean. The best part is that you can do a flare in a polished trouser which is SO easy to wear and generally looks good on everyone. YAY!

Anyhow, the problem with dressing like you're from the 70s is that you look like you're dressing like someone from the 70s. Decade dressing can be tricky, since it can lead you into costume territory. Costumes are bad for everyday, for those of you keeping track.

If you're like me, and can't wait to get your moderately sized butt to the mall to pick up some 70s inspired gear, let's keep some things in mind.

In general, this is scary.

You are not on rollerskates, nor are you at Studio 54. Sorry. Also, that is the longest crotch I've ever seen. Terrifying.

The look to go for here is modern and polished. Not scary and figure skatery. Like so:

(Gap) *Drool* Helloooooo, nurse.

Try something more along the lines of this.

Harper Military Shirt, $15
!iT Jeans Dream Diva Stretch Jean, $50
QUPID Saydie Rugged Rivet Womens Shoes, $27
Nine West Dark Angel, Satchel Ruffle and Bow Satchel (GRAY), $40
Jessica Simpson - Holiday Flower Swag Necklace..., $44
Gold bow ring, 4 GBP
Miss Selfridge Cream Patent Skinny Belt: compare and buy |..., 28 GBP

When attempting the 70s trend, you're going to want to find a crisp shirt up top. A flowy shirt will make you look like a hippy every time. Then tuck that bad boy in and finish with a SKINNY belt. This is key. Lock and load, baby. Look for jeans that have trouser detailing, where the hem of the jean is wider than the knee. You want the jeans to fit tight in the butt. Loose trouser or flare jeans are bad news bears. Then, finish off with 70s-reminiscent items like gold jewelry. This hearkens to the trend without causing you to become a super big trend whore.

When choosing shoes, look for something more substantial to wear with this trend. Wedges are best, but a stacked heel, heavy details or a chunkier heel will work as well.

Finish off with some super stylish aviators and you are on your way to trendiness.

See? Super easy to pull off and VERY forgiving in the body department. This. Is. Awesome. So what do you think? Trend to try? Or will you ditch it and watch Starsky and Hutch instead? I need opinions!

Strengthen Your Core, Get Sexy Abs

Imagine getting sexy abs, having more stamina, strength, power and balance. You can--with the right kind of ab training.

If you want toned, flat abs, stop doing a million crunches and start fine tuning your sense of balance. Core training is a phrase that has been tossed around for a while now, appearing in magazines and used by trainers to help their clients get their best body. Performing it properly is another story.

To get great looking abs you have to train them in more than one way. You also need to train your back. The trick to good core training is to challenge stability in multiple planes of movement using a variety of exercises.

Some of my favourite pieces of equipment that are relatively inexpensive or can often be found at your local gym are the stability ball, the Bosu, and something as simple as a piece of foam or towel. The reason these are all great is they challenge your balance which challenges your core.

Instead of using a solid bench you can use a stability ball. You need to activate your core muscles to stay on the ball. A great exercise is taking the simple bench press off the bench and onto the ball.

Start by sitting on it and rolling out until your shoulders and head are on it. Activate your abs by drawing your belly button in towards your spine. Keep your hips up. Hold a fairly light weight to start and have your arms in a right angle position. Press the weight up over your chest bringing the hands close together. Lower until you feel a slight stretch in your chest (about parallel to floor) then repeat. Try and always exhale as you push the weight up over your chest.

One of my most favourite pieces of balance equipment will not only work your core but work the entire body is the Bosu balance trainer. It looks like half a ball. I have a million favourites on the Bosu but some really good ones to work on your core is simply balancing on it.

Start by simply standing on it. Have your legs slightly bent, belly button pulled in and work on not falling off. If this is really easy, try standing on one leg.




Using a foam or towel is similar to the bosu. It creates instability. You can stand on it like the bosu or you can try exercises like a squat on it. As with all the exercises pull your belly button in and exhale on the hard part of the exercise.

Once you master exercises like standing and squatting, you can try adding some rotation. Start by simply standing tall, belly in, and both arms stretched out to the side. Take one hand and bring it around to meet the other, then switch sides. You can also try bending down to take one hand to the opposite toe.

By adding exercises more than just crunches you will not only give yourself great looking abs, you will give your body strength, power and balance.

Committed to your fitness success,
Kelly Parker
www.fitmommakeover.net

Freaky Friday

Happy Friday, all! I've decided to strike while the iron's hot and finally see Harry Potter tonight. Yup, I'm a book nerd in a disguise. So let's get this show on the road so I can go nurse my girl crush on Hermione Granger.



I absolutely had this vest when I was 10. I also had a teal green one-piece jumpsuit covered in rhinestones and sequins, so that doesn't make it OK.


Excuse me miss? Your $500 dress is caught in your underpants. Embarrassing. Wait, it's supposed to be like that? Carry on then.


Did you guys know that Snuffie here was designing?


And skinning himself, apparently.

(The model's face makes me laugh so hard. She's trying her best to look regal. Really she is. I would love to offer a sandwich)


K, couple things here. This shoe definitely looks like a cow hoof. I don't think, at any time, should a woman wear anything reminiscent of a cow. Second. WHY is it falling apart at the back? So not only are you a cow, but you're a sloppy, poor cow.


Hey, my dad from 1985 called. He wants his Seinfeld sweater back. He's also mad you shrunk it in the wash because he was thinking about wearing it again.


This is called the "Military Lace" dress. Bit literal, isn't it? I was totally on board until it hit the knees.


Its like sweatpants for your feet!


This is from Snookie's line of slippers. I can't believe I just typed that. Just kill me immediately. I have a friend who works in marketing and she actually works on some of Snookie's tweets. I think she should tweet, "OMG just designed some slippers while I was WASTED. Will sell them for $29.95 and stuff the money in my poof."


Hey, I love Urban Outfitters as much as the next hipster. But these overalls are not cute. When I was a teenager, one of my best friends had this pair of overalls that I COVETED. Then I realized I was not a train conductor. You are also not a train conductor. Avoid.
s(Thanks, Linda!)

Any awesome plans for the weekend? You guys, I haven't gone shopping in FOREVER. Actually, I went on Saturday but all I bought was a couple of plain pocket t's and where is the fun in that? I would like to purchase something extravagant instead.

Fashion and Beauty 911

Remember the cameltoe liners? AHAHAHA I die. The best way to fix this is to wear bigger pants... THANKS.

When I was like, eight years old, my friend and I thought it would be super funny to call 911 and giggle into the phone and then walk away leaving the phone off the hook. In hindsight, it wasn't that great of an idea and we got in a lot of trouble. HOWEVER, fashion 911s are always a good idea.

I'm one of those people who just sits around tempting Murphy's Law all day, every day. If there's a chance that an entire sippy of chocolate milk will land on my khaki skirt, it will happen. If I see a sad movie, I will inevitably walk out of the theater looking like the undead. I ALWAYS GET RUNS IN MY TIGHTS. Because there's always something to go wrong, I've picked up a few little tricks that I've kept with me to take care of these fast. That's why everyone thinks I'm put together. Nope, just prepared for the worst always. Zombie apocalypse? Bring it on.

Here's my best collection of sneaky tips so you can avoid a super big emergency.

1) So you know when you've eaten too much cheese ball and your pants won't stay zipped up? Spray your fingers with a little hairspray and rub them over the zipper. It'll make the teeth tacky and stay up until you wash them. So eat up!

2) Once I was trying on lipstick at Sephora and totally got BRIGHT red smeared over the side of my mouth and couldn't get rid of it. Thank goodness I am a real mom who carries baby wipes always. They're also awesome for smeared mascara and eyeliner. And baby poop.

3) Keep safety pins in your bag. Just trust me. I cannot count the number of times I've pinned a wayward bra strap or pinned something to my blazer. They are awesome. Just look for the tiny discreet ones unless you're like Avril Lavigne and still desperately holding onto 2001 punk.

4) Staticky hair makes me SO angry. Especially because I get into my car and shut my hair in the door EVERY TIME. Now I've learned to slick on my lip blam, then use a little extra on my fingers, combing them through my hair. It'll add a little moisture to your hair and weight down flyaways so you look more polished and avoid looking like a dork because your hair is stuck in the car door. Not that I know what that's like or anything.

5) My engagement ring is marquis-cut so it has lovely pointy edges. It catches on everything made from wool ever. If you get a snag in a sweater, use a sharp pencil to push the snag back through the knit. Out of sight, out of mind.

6) Definitely keep at least one hair elastic and two bobby pins in your handbag at all times. I cannot tell you how many times I've felt like I looked drab or was having a bad hair day and could McGyver something with a couple of pins. You can pin your bangs back, do a high pony or a loose braid, whatever. It fixes hair so fast.

7) Run a dryer sheet over your outfit before you leave the house. Your panty line will thank me.

8) So I may not have the largest chest, but that doesn't mean I don't get annoying gaps in button-up shirts. Double sided tape can seal it up in a hurry, especially if you just notice it while running out the door. YES the same double sided tape that celebs wear to dress like street walkers. It's also good for wayward bra straps.

9) While I totally don't recommend going out in anything that needs to be drawstringed, I totally mourn when the string from my fave hoodie slips into the hood and is gone forever. Remove the string and tie one end around a pencil. Then use the pencil to thread the string back into the item of clothing without having to maneuver it around like a monkey.

10) Greastastic hair always makes you look borderline homeless. If you didn't have a chance to wash, sprinkle a little baby powder or cornstarch near your hairline, then brush through. That will soak up and distribute the oil evenly so you can get by a few more hours. Just don't add to much or your hubby will be like um, why does your head smell like our child's diaper? And that's embarrassing.

I feel like that should prepare you for just about anything that comes your way. If you guys have any other tips and tricks, I' would LOVE to hear them in the comments. I am always down with tips that help me not look like a complete idiot.

Will to Change, Will to Succeed

Saturday we headed out to my mom's for a visit. We dropped the kids and continued on for another hour and a half to pick out our new puppy. I'm sooooo excited. He is only 5 weeks and we can't bring him home for another 3 weeks but I am going to go crazy for the next few weeks getting everything ready for him.

On this long drive my husband was reading to me from a book I got him for Christmas. It was all about some guys that decided to go on an Amazon adventure and recaped the good and poor choices that were made.

There were oringinally 3 friends and a guide that embarked on this journey. For whatever circumstances they were split up, and two of the friends were together. One was named Yossi and this is his experience.

Yossi and his friend Kevin were travelling down a river within the rain forest when there raft got stuck. Kevin got out to dislodge it and it quickly continued down and went right over a 20 foot water fall. Yossi somehow survived but found he lost his pack with the food and other survival items in it. He made a shelter for that night and went back the next morning to try and find their supplies. With a little bit of luck he found the food and survival supplies which happened to be limited.

After spending the next five days unsuccessfully trying to find his friend Kevin he headed down stream towards a village. On one of those nights it got a little worse. For whatever reason that night he didn't have time to make a proper shelter and was out exposed in the jungle. After a little bit it was dark and he heard some noises not too far away. He was on guard but then heard the breathing too. With a flashlight he quickly saw he was being hunted by the rain forests biggest predator—the jaguar. With a little innovation he miraculously managed to send him off and survive the night.

It rained constantly in the forest and he was starving daily. Because of the constant rain he had horrible trench foot and began hallucinating from exhaustion and near starvation, but he knew he had to keep going.

With a little bit of luck he ended up being in the right place at the right time and his friend Kevin found him almost dead on a beach. Yossi managed to survive of the most difficult challenges he ever faced. It wasn't his knowledge of survival skills, or his times of good luck but it really came down to his will to survive.

It has been said that the elements of survival are:

Knowledge: 5%

Luck: 20%

Kit: 15%

Will to Live: 60%

Yossi was a true survivor. He had almost no knowlege of the Amazon or how to survive there. He had a kit that was adequate but lacked many important things. His luck was so-so. He had some good but then he also had some really bad luck too. With all of these things going against him it didn't change his pure will to survive and desire to live.

As I was listening to Yossi's experiences I thought of how although we may not be facing waterfalls, jaguar's, hornets, and termites, but we have other challenges we need to face. We each have a goal. Yossi was to get through the Amazon forest ours may be to lose 15-20 pounds. Each of those goals will have challenges to go with it.

When you want to lose weight, it is never easy. It takes dedication, persistance, courage, desire and pure will. Anyone can lose 10 pounds, but not everyone can make changes to lose 10 pounds and keep it off forever. I would like to apply the elements of survival to losing weight and being healthy.

Elements of Losing Weight

Genetics: 5%

Exercise: 10%

Nutrition: 15%

Will and Desire to Change: 70%

This is just an example of me making a point of how important it is to have that desire to want to make changes to improve your life. (it was not based on scientific evidence, but on the many examples and experiences of my clients)

I have seen people take control of their lives and make the necessary changes to improve themselves and conquered some of their biggest “jaguars”. The most important thing you can do is decide what you want. Once you have decided don't let anything stand in your way.

I did not do Yossi justice by recapping his story. It was truly amazing. If you want to read the entire account and others like it you can pick up Les Stroud book “Will to Live”

Committed to your fitness success,

Kelly Parker

www.fitmommakeover.net

Freaky Friday: Bad, Bad Hair

In honor of my hair poll on Wednesday, in which red was the overwhelming winner, I thought bad hair would be fitting. Plus, I just really like making fun of people.


Does anyone else's heart hurt for this poor, normal mother.?This is definitely NOT going in the Christmas card.


This is basically what every parent dreams for their little girl. I like the way the lip spike compliments the Hello Kitty hair clips.


What a classy bunch of broads.


Even classier.


Like, at first I was like whoa, hair. But when paired with the frosted lipstick and pink eyeshadow -- you'ev won me over again, SJP.


K, So I love ScarJo. I love her more now that she's divorcing my boyfriend Ryan Reynolds. But her hair at the Golden Globes totes looks like that commercial for condoms. The one that says "They'll blow your hair back." I hope she was paid handsomely for this glowing endorsement.


This looks like "Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs." CURSE YOU GIANT TORTILLAS FROM THE SKY!


Hey laaaaaaaaadies. It's Valentine's soon! I know what you should request from your hairy hubby.


She's deep. You wouldn't understand.

I'm starting to think mom hair isn't really that bad. Like, it's depressing but at least it's not desperate. Even so, I can't wait to get my hair did and show you all in the next week or so! Then I'll shave a checkerboard into my head. That seems normal.

Also, check out the fanpage today for what may be the best link of all time.