Fashion and Beauty 911

Remember the cameltoe liners? AHAHAHA I die. The best way to fix this is to wear bigger pants... THANKS.

When I was like, eight years old, my friend and I thought it would be super funny to call 911 and giggle into the phone and then walk away leaving the phone off the hook. In hindsight, it wasn't that great of an idea and we got in a lot of trouble. HOWEVER, fashion 911s are always a good idea.

I'm one of those people who just sits around tempting Murphy's Law all day, every day. If there's a chance that an entire sippy of chocolate milk will land on my khaki skirt, it will happen. If I see a sad movie, I will inevitably walk out of the theater looking like the undead. I ALWAYS GET RUNS IN MY TIGHTS. Because there's always something to go wrong, I've picked up a few little tricks that I've kept with me to take care of these fast. That's why everyone thinks I'm put together. Nope, just prepared for the worst always. Zombie apocalypse? Bring it on.

Here's my best collection of sneaky tips so you can avoid a super big emergency.

1) So you know when you've eaten too much cheese ball and your pants won't stay zipped up? Spray your fingers with a little hairspray and rub them over the zipper. It'll make the teeth tacky and stay up until you wash them. So eat up!

2) Once I was trying on lipstick at Sephora and totally got BRIGHT red smeared over the side of my mouth and couldn't get rid of it. Thank goodness I am a real mom who carries baby wipes always. They're also awesome for smeared mascara and eyeliner. And baby poop.

3) Keep safety pins in your bag. Just trust me. I cannot count the number of times I've pinned a wayward bra strap or pinned something to my blazer. They are awesome. Just look for the tiny discreet ones unless you're like Avril Lavigne and still desperately holding onto 2001 punk.

4) Staticky hair makes me SO angry. Especially because I get into my car and shut my hair in the door EVERY TIME. Now I've learned to slick on my lip blam, then use a little extra on my fingers, combing them through my hair. It'll add a little moisture to your hair and weight down flyaways so you look more polished and avoid looking like a dork because your hair is stuck in the car door. Not that I know what that's like or anything.

5) My engagement ring is marquis-cut so it has lovely pointy edges. It catches on everything made from wool ever. If you get a snag in a sweater, use a sharp pencil to push the snag back through the knit. Out of sight, out of mind.

6) Definitely keep at least one hair elastic and two bobby pins in your handbag at all times. I cannot tell you how many times I've felt like I looked drab or was having a bad hair day and could McGyver something with a couple of pins. You can pin your bangs back, do a high pony or a loose braid, whatever. It fixes hair so fast.

7) Run a dryer sheet over your outfit before you leave the house. Your panty line will thank me.

8) So I may not have the largest chest, but that doesn't mean I don't get annoying gaps in button-up shirts. Double sided tape can seal it up in a hurry, especially if you just notice it while running out the door. YES the same double sided tape that celebs wear to dress like street walkers. It's also good for wayward bra straps.

9) While I totally don't recommend going out in anything that needs to be drawstringed, I totally mourn when the string from my fave hoodie slips into the hood and is gone forever. Remove the string and tie one end around a pencil. Then use the pencil to thread the string back into the item of clothing without having to maneuver it around like a monkey.

10) Greastastic hair always makes you look borderline homeless. If you didn't have a chance to wash, sprinkle a little baby powder or cornstarch near your hairline, then brush through. That will soak up and distribute the oil evenly so you can get by a few more hours. Just don't add to much or your hubby will be like um, why does your head smell like our child's diaper? And that's embarrassing.

I feel like that should prepare you for just about anything that comes your way. If you guys have any other tips and tricks, I' would LOVE to hear them in the comments. I am always down with tips that help me not look like a complete idiot.

Will to Change, Will to Succeed

Saturday we headed out to my mom's for a visit. We dropped the kids and continued on for another hour and a half to pick out our new puppy. I'm sooooo excited. He is only 5 weeks and we can't bring him home for another 3 weeks but I am going to go crazy for the next few weeks getting everything ready for him.

On this long drive my husband was reading to me from a book I got him for Christmas. It was all about some guys that decided to go on an Amazon adventure and recaped the good and poor choices that were made.

There were oringinally 3 friends and a guide that embarked on this journey. For whatever circumstances they were split up, and two of the friends were together. One was named Yossi and this is his experience.

Yossi and his friend Kevin were travelling down a river within the rain forest when there raft got stuck. Kevin got out to dislodge it and it quickly continued down and went right over a 20 foot water fall. Yossi somehow survived but found he lost his pack with the food and other survival items in it. He made a shelter for that night and went back the next morning to try and find their supplies. With a little bit of luck he found the food and survival supplies which happened to be limited.

After spending the next five days unsuccessfully trying to find his friend Kevin he headed down stream towards a village. On one of those nights it got a little worse. For whatever reason that night he didn't have time to make a proper shelter and was out exposed in the jungle. After a little bit it was dark and he heard some noises not too far away. He was on guard but then heard the breathing too. With a flashlight he quickly saw he was being hunted by the rain forests biggest predator—the jaguar. With a little innovation he miraculously managed to send him off and survive the night.

It rained constantly in the forest and he was starving daily. Because of the constant rain he had horrible trench foot and began hallucinating from exhaustion and near starvation, but he knew he had to keep going.

With a little bit of luck he ended up being in the right place at the right time and his friend Kevin found him almost dead on a beach. Yossi managed to survive of the most difficult challenges he ever faced. It wasn't his knowledge of survival skills, or his times of good luck but it really came down to his will to survive.

It has been said that the elements of survival are:

Knowledge: 5%

Luck: 20%

Kit: 15%

Will to Live: 60%

Yossi was a true survivor. He had almost no knowlege of the Amazon or how to survive there. He had a kit that was adequate but lacked many important things. His luck was so-so. He had some good but then he also had some really bad luck too. With all of these things going against him it didn't change his pure will to survive and desire to live.

As I was listening to Yossi's experiences I thought of how although we may not be facing waterfalls, jaguar's, hornets, and termites, but we have other challenges we need to face. We each have a goal. Yossi was to get through the Amazon forest ours may be to lose 15-20 pounds. Each of those goals will have challenges to go with it.

When you want to lose weight, it is never easy. It takes dedication, persistance, courage, desire and pure will. Anyone can lose 10 pounds, but not everyone can make changes to lose 10 pounds and keep it off forever. I would like to apply the elements of survival to losing weight and being healthy.

Elements of Losing Weight

Genetics: 5%

Exercise: 10%

Nutrition: 15%

Will and Desire to Change: 70%

This is just an example of me making a point of how important it is to have that desire to want to make changes to improve your life. (it was not based on scientific evidence, but on the many examples and experiences of my clients)

I have seen people take control of their lives and make the necessary changes to improve themselves and conquered some of their biggest “jaguars”. The most important thing you can do is decide what you want. Once you have decided don't let anything stand in your way.

I did not do Yossi justice by recapping his story. It was truly amazing. If you want to read the entire account and others like it you can pick up Les Stroud book “Will to Live”

Committed to your fitness success,

Kelly Parker

www.fitmommakeover.net

Freaky Friday: Bad, Bad Hair

In honor of my hair poll on Wednesday, in which red was the overwhelming winner, I thought bad hair would be fitting. Plus, I just really like making fun of people.


Does anyone else's heart hurt for this poor, normal mother.?This is definitely NOT going in the Christmas card.


This is basically what every parent dreams for their little girl. I like the way the lip spike compliments the Hello Kitty hair clips.


What a classy bunch of broads.


Even classier.


Like, at first I was like whoa, hair. But when paired with the frosted lipstick and pink eyeshadow -- you'ev won me over again, SJP.


K, So I love ScarJo. I love her more now that she's divorcing my boyfriend Ryan Reynolds. But her hair at the Golden Globes totes looks like that commercial for condoms. The one that says "They'll blow your hair back." I hope she was paid handsomely for this glowing endorsement.


This looks like "Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs." CURSE YOU GIANT TORTILLAS FROM THE SKY!


Hey laaaaaaaaadies. It's Valentine's soon! I know what you should request from your hairy hubby.


She's deep. You wouldn't understand.

I'm starting to think mom hair isn't really that bad. Like, it's depressing but at least it's not desperate. Even so, I can't wait to get my hair did and show you all in the next week or so! Then I'll shave a checkerboard into my head. That seems normal.

Also, check out the fanpage today for what may be the best link of all time.

Help Jae Decide!

Every January/February, I start to get restless and want to do something drastic with my appearance. The year before last I cut off about eight inches of hair and hated it, so I don't want to do anything THAT drastic. I settled on some new hair color. Problem is, I can't decide which way to go. Will you lovelies help me figure it out?

Here are some pics to help you decide. It should be known that I've been dyeing my hair since I was 14 and I know one day it will fall out and I'll go bald. I'm just banking on some amazing advances made in the world of wigs when I'm old. I'm OK with that.




This was me last year, with the blondest hair I've ever had. I don't mind going lighter, it's just that I'm SO PALE. My mom is a redhead and I was blessed with the fair skin and blue eyes without the hair color. I've considered an ashy blonde but I'm scared, guys!! And I haaaaaate brassiness. I abhor brass in any form. Unless they're buttons on a cute jacket. That's fine. Not on my head.



This is in 08 (I think!?) when I was really red. I love having red hair because it suits my skin color really well and makes my eye color pretty intense. I hate when it goes orangey. Orange hair is never OK. But I was a definite fan of this look.



Geez, could my head be anymore heart-shaped? Anyway, this is the most recent hair color. My natural color from when I was like, a baby is ash brown. I was trying to get back to that color without being too mousey. I really liked it for when we did family photos because it looked polished and crisp. But now I'm afraid I'm veering into mousey again.

Also, I look quite mischievous in that photo.



My hair was almost black during my second pregnancy. I thought it was a little too dark for how pale I am but I enjoyed not worrying about my roots when I was in the hospital for six weeks. I proooobably don't want to go here again. When I first did it, I panicked and made my little brother buy me the Color Oops stuff to remove some of the darkness.

Things to consider:
I am the whitest white person ever known to man. I wear the lightest shade makeup in every brand.
My hair is uncontrollably thick. I had a ton sliced out during my last haircut, but the funny thing about hair is that it grows.
I will never go drastically red because I already look just like my mom. We don't need to be twins.

See? She's adorable... but I get enough "You look JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER"s without having the same hair.
(She's going to be like what the eff Jae, why did you post a picture of me. Then she'll get mad because I said eff. CHILL OUT MOM.)

So what is the consensus? If I don't get an answer soon I swear I'll end up chopping my hair off and hating life. I am quite enjoying my lovely long locks right now. Don't make me do it. I need a trim anyway, but I am the kind of person who will decide five minutes before my hair appointment that I want like, a mohawk or something.


Poll: What Do Ye Say?

• Blondes have more fun!


• Redheads ahoy hoy!


• Au naturel (ish)


• Queen of Black

Results:




I totally accept an "other." Leave your thoughts in the comment. Although I dyed my hair so dark it was almost black once and it was bad news bears.

Freaky Friday: Designer Edition

I feel like we haven't done a designer Freaky Friday in a long time and I SO LOVE perusing designer collections for scary clothing that costs as much as a used car. Of course, looking through designer clothes makes me want to buy all of the pretty things as well. Like this Alexander McQueen dress.


*drool* I only need a couple of things... $2,500 with which to purchase it and somewhere to wear it without looking like a psycho. PTA meeting anyone?


These shoes are $1,900. They would have been only $100, but the extra $1,800 is for the ridiculousness.


OMGOMGOMGOMG I found a pothead poncho, but this time by a designer. This thing costs $1,500. Why wouldn't you just pick one off of your dirty floor and wear that instead? It's free. As an added bonus, it probably smells like pot.


But how will I get through doorways? PS this shirt (?) is $3,200. Can you imagine wearing this to like, church or something? Great style, but why do you need armor?


Quite possibly the ugliest $4,000 vest of all time. What's with the triangle in the middle? It looks like a swimsuit cover up at an old folk's home.


I'm sorry. I must do a throwback for this $2,500 jacket.


Rufio likey.

(I will admit that I used to have SUCH a crush on Rufio when I was like, 11 and me and my friends would fight over who got to be his wife when we played house. Yeah.)


These are clearly made for Britney Spears circa 2002 ONLY. And they're $7,000 so only she can afford them. Sassy!


I don't care what anyone says. I saw this $2,200 vest....dress thingy on Janet Reno Dance Party.


I... I just don't even know what to say anymore. This looks like a biker did the deed with a figure skater while listening to Cyndi Lauper and out popped this monstrosity of a baby. And then everyone said it was "breathtaking."


Would it be totally inappropriate to make a joke about anorexia here? What about hunger in general? Rats. FINE. Here's a weird skeleton dress for $1,300. I can't wait to see Lady Gaga wear it in protest of the killing of baby koala bears or something like that.

Oh, designers. You are so silly sometimes! But much like a dog who pees on the floor yet charmingly chases a flashlight, I just can't stay mad at you forever. Try harder next time please.

Happy Friday everyone!

2 Day Winter Workout Program

If you live in Ontario, or somewhere where it snows, then you know you better learn to embrace the snow or the winter can seem like a death sentence. I have to admit I’m a warm weather kind of girl, but this winter we have been loving the cold and snow. We built a ice rink for the first time this year and it’s been great. The kids are out on it most days, and loving it.

Last week my oldest daughter (12) came to my husband and I and asked if 3 of her friends could sleep over on Friday. I’m not a fan of sleepovers, especially at that age, because they just don’t want to go to sleep! Well to guarantee she had a sleep over, she tells my husband she wants to build a quinzee and they all sleep in it. What!! That for sure will work. My husband was all over it. Of course, you can do that. How many will be sleeping in it? Of course you can…..that was it, done deal.

Well, he was busy with a meeting so Thursday evening, I went out with Kendyll and started shoveling the snow into a huge pile. This was quite the chore. After an hour my back was killing me, even after telling myself to pull my belly button in and use my legs. It was a slow process. After about an hour and a half, I sent Kendyll to bed and my husband came out to help. We still had a long way to go. The problem was, even though we had a fair amount of snow, we ran out of it in the back yard. So we dug out the tarp, and headed to the front yard.

I’m sure our neighbours thought we were crazy, shoveling our front yard onto a tarp. We then would drag that around the side of the house. Talk about using your legs and core muscles. Whew! Snow is really heavy. We did that for another hour and a half. Now both of us were exhausted. As we stepped back to look at our pile of snow, I knew it was killing my husband. He had to work the next day and then that meant it was left to me to dig it out. These are the kinds of things he loves to do, not me. We had to let the snow sit before we began digging it out so that job would wait until tomorrow.

Around 2pm I headed out back, gathered my sticks to use and broke them into 1 foot pieces. I stuck them all over the snow pile and then I began. At first it seemed like I would never even make a dent, but then I started to notice a difference. I few times I got snow in the face, but it was coming along. With all the pushing and pulling, I could totally feel my back, shoulders and triceps–I was getting double workout! After 2 hours of digging and dragging out snow, I thought I was done. I tested to make sure 4 of them could fit in there and I thought it would be tight but doable.

As we were piling in tarps, foam mats, sleeping bags and then the girls themselves, I thought cool, they were really going to sleep in it. Once you are in there, it’s actually quite warm. There wasn’t a ton of room to move around but definitely enough room to sleep. Ready with extra hats, mitts and even sleeping bags the girls actually got a decent sleep…me on the other hand, stayed up most of night worrying and checking to make sure everything was ok. Of course it was and in the morning that was all I heard about. How cool it was to sleep outside in the quinzee.

The first picture is actually not of our quinzee, but ours looked very much like that(without the dog). I was slow enough not to get a picture the following day. Then we got unusually warm weather and everything began to melt. Before it completely collapsed I did manage to get a pic. It was actually tall enough that I could completely sit up and wide enough for the 4 girls to sleep. I had placed a tarp over the door so the cold air would stay out. So as you can see, getting in a workout doesn’t have to be traditional. This took me 2 days to do and believe me when I say it was hard work! Think outside the box. You will not only have fun discovering something new, but you may build a lifetime of memories:)

Committed to your fitness success,

Kelly Parker

www.fitmommakeover.net

Freaky Friday

K, first things first. To find out who won the gift card giveaway, check out the Swag Page. Good times!

Now, onto the good stuff. I think the theme of today's Freaky Friday is "Fashion that someone legitamately thought was a good idea but it wasn't," because the bulk of it was taken from Etsy. I mean, I love spending hours ignoring my children and browsing cute things on Etsy as much as the next person. Handmade flowers? Yes please! Cute shirts? Sure thing! Uterus pillows and vajayjay necklaces? Errr....



My aunt in Canada sent me a pic of these pants with a note that they were called UFO pants. Then I relaized that they totally reminded me of Seth Green in "Can't Hardly Wait."


RIGHT? Oh I so love that movie. After I saw it with my friends when I was like 14 I went home and printed off a zillion pictures of Seth Green and put them up in my room because I was a weird kid and I always liked strange characters. Anyway, the best part about the pants is that they expand at the ankle. For when you're having one of those days where you just don't love your lower legs, I guess. On the bright side, there is a side pocket to hold your copy of the kama sutra!


If you'll notice the title of this Etsy listing, these are described as "Upcycled." If these are UP I don't want to know what they looked like before.


You'll just be the belle of Nascar with this Dupont bandanna dress. Unfortunately, the beer and red neck are not included.



Calling this a "blouse" really is using the term loosely. This is a "blouse" like Lady Gaga is a "lady".


Sometimes my heart hurts a little when people make things and then try to sell them for $25 because they're proud of their work... but when you have to wear a skirt under your jeans I feel like it's no longer worth the money. But um... nice bracelets?


Remember like three or four years ago when Lindsay Lohan was all mad because Paris Hilton and her friends kept calling her "Fire Crotch?"

That is all.


This totally matches my uterus pillow, y'all! It's a uterus pinata. I can think of a few times I've wanted to take a baseball bat to my uterus too, amiright??

Seriously though, the description says that it's perfect for celebrating your daughter's first period. And subsequently your daughter's understandable emancipation from THE WORST PARENTS IN THE WORLD.


Yes! These are just SO FUN! Isn't incontinence a HOOT!?



My brother sent me this, telling that it made MY Snuggie look prehistoric. Then I told him to never talk about my Snuggie like that and hugged it. Then I thought about adding this person-shaped sleeping bag with this:


The Snazzy Napper (WHICH IS COMPLETELY REAL)

...You would basically never need a house. Of course, then you'd be homeless and crazy but hey! You could sleep snazzily on a plane so everyone wins!

Remember to send any Freaky Friday contributions to nomoremomjeans@gmail. OH! And did you notice that my new website is www.nomoremomjeans.com now? So save your fingers and stop typing blogspot! You're welcome.