Freaky Friday Bonus! Vintage Jae

So chatting on Facebook with my brother, because that's what I do with my Friday nights, he posted this VINTAGE family picture of my family, and I thought I'd post it for your enjoyment.




Couple things:
-This was in 1991, and I am seven years old.
-If you're thinking about sending me applications about my single brothers, Jonathan is no longer that chubby, and Ryan has a better haircut and less freckles.
-I used to have a lazy eye, which explains my disinterest in looking at the camera.
-My mom's hair WAS that epic.
-My dad's glasses WERE that large.
-My littlest brother Dallin looks like a tiny alcoholic politician with those suspenders.
-WE LOVED COLLARS.

I'd also like to point out that we're not matching, so we were clearly ahead of the pack on that one.

Freaky Friday: What Not to Wear for Family Pictures

So, I took the plunge and finally had our family pictures done yesterday. My husband and I literally hadn't had our picture taken together professionally since the day we got married over seven years ago, no joke. We're just not the "family picture type" I guess. Also, it turns out my son has an unnatural fear of photographers and hated the entire experience. I felt like a circus monkey trying to get him to smile and more often than not he was just giving the poor photographer the stink-eye. So was my husband.

Anyway, the outfits! Oh, how I stressed over the outfits! For goodness sake, I expound almost daily on the merits of dressing properly for family pictures, and I had to live up to my good name! Of course, the pictures will be coming in like two weeks or something, and I can show you what we all decided to wear. But yesterday, as I was questioning my clothing choices, I surfed on over to Awkward Family Photos and picked out things no one should ever wear for family pictures, and I suddenly felt more confident. Ahh, making fun of other people makes me happy.

So, all pictures here are from AFP, and they make me unnaturally happy.


Family photo rule etiquette #1: Bikini waxes and shiny tights are absolutely mandatory. Don't forget the leopard headband!


PROOF that matchy outfits make babies cry. Even twins. Their faces match, they don't need their shirts to match too. See the happy kid? He's happy his mom didn't dress him like the other two.


Would you laugh if I told you that me and my siblings have a picture EXACTLY like this? When I was 12, we did family pictures and for some inexcusable reason, my mom let me show up in jeans and my brother's plaid shirt with a ponytail. To this DAY everyone who sees it wonders why they didn't notice that my mom had five boys before.


I feel like this family a) has figure skating practice every Saturday and b) can be heard walking down the street about a mile away. SWISH SWISH SWISH.


Easily my brother Ryan's favorite family picture. He suggested we do it with our family, which could be awkward since I'm the only girl and subsequently, the only one who looks good in a dress. You lose, Jonathan. (OMG if you have time read my brother Jonathan's blog. He's living in Botswana and has all sorts of crazy shenanigan adventures)

(Also, as an aside... both Ryan and Jonathan are single and I am accepting applications for my future sister in law through December. Yes I look for every opportunity to pimp out my brothers. I want to go to a wedding.)


Cowboy hats? Yes. Cowboy shirts? You've got it. Creepy neck beard? Woah... you gotta earn that, son.


Only thing creepier than clowns? Child clowns. That baby wants to eat my soul, I just know it.


"Little to the left.... okay, chin up.... aaaaand here hold this spine. Perfect!"


K, I'm going to run down this conversation for you. Both people in this picture were clothed previously.

Photographer: OK, Sally, do you want to get a few belly shots?
Sally: Sure!
Photographer: K, if you don't mind, let's do a bare belly shot.
Sally: You want me to take off my shirt?
Photographer: Only if you're comfortable.
Mike: Do you want me to take off my shirt?
Photographer: Aaaactually that's not necess-- K, your shirt is off anyway.
Mike: The beach is that way!
Sally: Very funny, Mike.
Mike: I think I'm "expecting" rippling back muscles, amirite?
Sally: Seriously Mike, shut up.
Mike: I believe my bicep is pregnant.... with MUSCLES! Heh heh.
Sally: OMG take the effing picture.


So, I've set the bar really low so people don't think I'm judging their family picture anymore. I do a little, but I know they're not as bad as these. See how I did that? I'm always thinking about you.

Jae-gging

OMG I am hilarious with the titles.

So, I made a mental note to tell you guys about my experience with jeggings. I should have brought along a camera, but 1) That would be really, super dooper embarrassing, and 2) it wasn't a planned shopping trip. I somehow "ended up" at the mall and apparently was DRUNK because I thought it would be a good idea to try on mass amounts of jeggings.

You know what jeggings are, right? They're leggings that are printed and dyed to look like jeans. Like SO:



Oh, the more I look at them the more I realize what a bad idea it was.

So, I met up with my husband the other day for lunch. He CONVENIENTLY works a block away from the mall so we met at the food court for some Chick-Fil-A goodness. When it was time to go, I wondered if I should just wander the mall for a few hours. The kids had just gotten up from a nap, and my daughter got me to promise that I would take her to the indoor play area, so I thought that I could squeeze some good behavior out of the kids.

While I was perusing the windows, I caught sight of some jeggings. As usual, I mentally scoffed because THEY ARE SILLY. But as I looked at them, I begin to wonder how they would look under boots. I have plenty of pairs of boots, and one pair in particular are too tight to wear over regular jeans. I wondered if jeggings were the right choice. Especially because you can get tightness without muffin top. WIN WIN right?

So I began the great jegging try-on of 2010. You guys, I must have stuffed my kids into the fitting rooms of eight different stores trying to find jeggings that I liked. I tried: Wet Seal, Macy's, Forever 21, Charlotte Russe, American Eagle and Buckle.

Let's point out what type of body I have. I am an hourglass that teeters precariously over the edge of pear-dom. In other words, BABY GOT BACK. I don't mind my trunk. In fact, most of the time I enjoy it quite a bit. I like having shape.

But oh sweet mother of mercy, my body has never looked so mangled as it did in jeggings. Each pair I tried on was worse than the last, and ALL made me look like a severely unbalanced, albeit trendy, Humpty Dumpty. And one pair even had stirrups.

STIRRUPS!

So after pair after pair of jeggings and my exhausting the kids' supply of patience and pretzel bites, I resigned myself to the fact that I cannot pull off jeggings. While I still like the idea of jeggings for bootwear, I just can't get past what they do to my body. They transport me directly back to 1985. I envision my large purple plastic bifocals (YES I HAD THEM) side-ponies and Christmas sweaters all year round. I just. Can't. Do it.

Instead of buying jeggings, I ended up leaving the mall with a very large cocktail ring, a fur bolero (WTH? I was feeling festive, I think) and my own weight in chicken nuggets. I proceeded to drown my jegging-related sorrow in ranch dressing and waffle fries, as I made a solemn vow to never do that to myself again.

Look, I'm not trying to singlehandedly take down the entire jegging empire. I still think they look totally cute with skinny boots. But you know what else works with them? Skinny butts. Child bearing hips like mine have no place in stretch jeans-dyed leggings. Especially ones with stirrups. I'M SO ASHAMED!

Consider yourself warned.

A Lesson on Fit and Proportion

Every time I pick up any women's magazine (I currently receive Glamour, InStyle and for inexplicable reasons Women's Health omg I have a magazine addiction) there's undoubtedly an article about "The Best Jeans for Your Butt!" or "Swimsuits for Your Shape!". In the pages therein you'll find pictures of women dressed poorly before and looking fab after, with the help of better clothes and a virtual army of hair and makeup people.

Yet, every month, the same cover stories. Why? Because no one really *gets* it. Picking out an outfit and dressing yourself need not be a project for Cosmopolitan. Instead, it makes things easier when you realize that all of looking good in your clothes boils down to one thing: PROPORTION.

Now, first off, it should be said that an hourglass shape is the holy grail of body shapes. That's what you're going for. While other shapes are very lovely, an hourglass shape is the most proportionate. An hourglass shape occurs when you have a waist that is smaller than your chest and hips, which are proportionate to each other.

Bummer, right? We don't all have the vampy ladylike body of Marilyn Monroe. BUT!! We can totally fake it. Learn how to balance your proportions, and you'll be able to pick out an outfit and most importantly, work it. Suuuuper easy.

First you'll need to look in the mirror. Or measure yourself. Either way, you need to know your body shape. There's five basic shapes.

Hourglass: We covered this already. Were you even paying attention? If you've got an hourglass shape, you need to do everything in your power to show off that tiny waist. Belts are your best friends, as are wrap dresses and fitted shirts. DON'T put it all on display. You may have a lovely body, but pick one feature to show off. Boobs, legs, waist, whatever. You don't need too small, too tight, too revealing. It's gross.

Theme Rayon-Blend Slub-Jersey Wrap Dress, $62
Casual Trench, 20 GBP
Heels|Shoes:Stiletto Heel,Heel Pump,Women's High Heel Shoes,Spool..., $17
Lucky Brand 'Large' Printed Canvas Shopper, $39
Metal Flower Headband, 8 GBP

Pear: A pear shape has a smaller chest and waist with larger hips. I know, I feel for you. This means that to look better, you need to balance the largeness of your badonkadonk with your chest. The best way to do this? Layers! Oh how I love fall because it mans I can bring out delicious jackets and sweaters and blazers again. These will add bulk up top so your body looks balanced. You may want to avoid things that are heavily belted because it will show clear definition where your generous hips begin. Keep the focus up top. Stay away from skinny jeans. It's just not gonna happen. Bootcut for you, baby.

Pilot : Cap Sleeve Knitted Shrug, 10 GBP
Petite vertical denims Navy, 16 GBP
Pointed Studded Ballerina, 15 GBP
Studded Flower Hobo Handbag: Clothing, $47
Betsey Johnson - Betsey Paris Fluer de Lis Studs (Brass Ox) - Jewelry, $31
Striped cotton scarf, $45
Utility Belted Blazer - Best Sellers - tops & basics - Vanity, $30

Apple: If you've an apple, your hips and waist are similar in size, and your chest is smaller (darn small chests) Apples need to create a clear definition between what is waist and what is hip, so choose dresses with three distinct parts: bodice, waist, skirt. This will break up your body so it doesn't all come together in the middle. Tummy controlling jeans are your friends, as are empire waists. They'll make your waist look longer without calling attention to trouble areas.

Exclusive Red Big Sleeve Dress**, 45 GBP
Faux Suede Heel Boot - Teen Clothing by Wet Seal, $10
All Over Sequin Bow Metallics Clutch, 30 GBP
Carolee Double Drop Cognac Earrings - Max and Chloe, $38
Stone Stack Ring, $18

(PS, I could not love a human baby as much as I love this dress)

Inverted Triangle: Got a big rack and a tiny waist and no bum? You are an inverted triangle, my friend! That means you need to do what you can to balance out your top half with the bottom. You need to add volume around your hips with fuller skirts and embellishment. Shirts that end right at the hips can make them look more proportionate as well. Look for jeans with flap pockets to add a little bulk around the bum.

Roll Sleeve Burnout Top - Teen Clothing by Wet Seal, $17
A-line Woven Skirt, $20
Nicole Magical flower ballet flats in burnt orange, $73
Ted Baker 'Poppy Print' Hobo, $47
Kingdom Gold Holy Cross Key Necklace, $28
Gold Knotted Chain Belt, 20 GBP

Ruler: Oh, rulers. You are straight up and down with no curves at all. On the plus side? You look so good in skinny jeans. On the down side, you can look boyish if you're not careful. Belt things to create a waist, and look for tops with a clear emphasis or embellishment at the waist. Look for feminine detailing, like frills and sequins that girly up your boyish shape. Stay away from anything too column-like unless you're willing to belt as well. Breaking up your silhouette will fool the eye into thinking your have kickin' curves.

BKE Braided Cardigan Sweater, $48
FULL TILT Lace Rose Womens Tank, $15
AE Women's Skinny Jeans, $50
Black Faux Leather Pointed Toe Knee Hight Boot, $25
Woven Hobo Handbag: Clothing, $47
Peacock Feather Earrings, $13
Double wrap stud & punchout belt Black, 20 GBP


No matter what your shape, as long as you remember that you're always trying to achieve that hourglass shape, it can give you a little more direction in dressing and accessorizing. And it proves that even if you don't have model thin hips and porn star boobs, you can make it work (Is anyone else watching Project Runway? omg I love Tim Gunn.)

Exercise During Pregnancy

When I was pregnant, exercise was sometimes the last thing I wanted to do. I woke up feeling nauseous, and didn't feel better until I had visited the bathroom. I continued to feel nauseated all day, not only for the first three months, but for the entire pregnancy. I do have to admit it did get a little better around 5 months.

You could often find me on the elliptical 3-4 days a week with my growing belly and my saltine crackers, but I knew I was always better for it. And although my goal wasn't to lose weight, I continued to lift my weights to keep strong, build my endurance and be healthy.

If you exercised before you were pregnant, and you have had a normal pregnancy, there is no reason you can't continue to exercise during your pregnancy.

Benefits of regular exercise:

1. You feel better. Even though your body is going through many hormonal changes, when you exercise you still release your feel good hormones (endorphins).

2. As your belly grows, you will start to feel the aches and pains in your back. By continuing to keep your body strong, you can help decrease the aches and pains you feel in your back.

3. Relief Stress. Whether you are pregnant or not, regular exercise is beneficial for keeping stress under control.

Cautions while exercising when pregnant:

1. If you feel pain-stop immediately.

2. You body will be releasing a hormone relaxin. As the name refers it's job is to "relax" your joints in the pelvis preparing you for delivery of the baby. You may also find yourself a little of balance. Because of this, stick to exercises where you are sitting, or standing on a smooth surface. Leave your BOSU balancing training for after the baby is born:)

3. Never hold your breath. Always be sure to exhale, preferably on the hard part of the exercises.

4. Don't go to Heavy. Now is not the time to see how much weight you can lift. Stick with lighter weights and do more repetitions. You are always better to start really light and add a couple of pounds if you need to.

Once again if you have been exercising and you have a normal pregnancy, you are generally fine to continue with your program. Just be sure to use common sense and modify when needed. If you are unsure, it's always best to take your program to your doctor or mid wife and have them check it over.

There following are some great exercises to do while pregnant.

Chair Squat: Stand behind a chair and holding on for balance, simply pretend you are sitting back into your chair. You want to try to inhale down, exhale as you stand up. Push through the heels of your feet. Try 10 reps.

Ball Rocks: Sit on a stability ball and using your hips, rock side to side. This is great for the low back:)

Ball 8's: Sit on a stability ball and do figure 8's by rolling your hips around. Again, great for pelvis and low back:

Bicep Curls: Use a light weight and as you exhale bring your hands up towards your chest.

Wall Push Ups: Stand with your feet about 2 feet from the wall (the farther your feet are the harder it will be). Put your hands against the wall, keeping your back flat. Lower yourself to the wall and push yourself back to starting position. Try 10 reps.

Remember your goals for exercising during pregnancy. You're not doing it to lose weight. You are doing it to feel good, help you stay strong for the birth and to help you recover faster after, help you control your stress, and have a good pregnancy overall.

Committed to your fitness success,
Kelly Parker
www.fitmommakeover.net

Freaky Friday: Shoes (For the Love of All That is Holy, WHY!?)

Just so you know, I become personally offended when I see bad shoes. Like, WHY when there are so many adorable options would you defile your foot like that? Just go barefoot!


These are billed as wedding sneakers. I have seen a lot of wedding footwear in my time. Pretty colors, styles, I can even live with flip flops if that's what you really want. But you WILL NOT wear these Frankenstein boots, do you understand me?




OHHH!!! Double camel toe! ALL THE WAY!!! What does it mean??

(Please, please tell me you get that joke. Otherwise I'm afraid you're new to this whole "Internet" thing)

Look, I know I said that leopard was in this season. But when you turn it into a fugly oxford wit ha goldfish heel, somewhere along the way you're going to lose me.


These shoes are "recycled" because they're made with leftover pieces of broken furniture. YOU DON'T SAY!? I never would have noticed except for the cabinet leg on the heel. Just because something is recycled doesn't make it automatically hip. See "Goodwill."


I feel like if you have to conditioner, dry, brush and braid your boots before you head out the door, it's just a *smidgen* too much. PS This shoe looks like it had a Brazilian Blowout, amiright?


So my dearest sister in law is always on the lookout for bad footwear, and she sent me some courtesy of Burlington Coat Factory. That one on the left looks like a dirty camel.


So much going on for one shoe! The metallic... and the very large sequins....and the bunching at the back? You'd have to go naked to pull it off.


Ahhhh! This shoe is wearing a lace thong! I feel all sorts of dirty!

Now I need to go look at some pretty shoes to make up for this post. I will not buy... I will not buy... I will absolutely buy...

Deciphering Fall 2010 Trends

So it was just Fashion Week and the trends of Fall were sashayed down the catwalk for mere mortals like us to try and understand. Fashion is probably the most indulgent industry in the world. In no other industry can you completely, and I mean COMPLETELY, go off your rocker and create something and have it be considered worthy. Wait, I forgot art. But still. I don't pay attention to Fashion Week until it's well over. Because otherwise, I peruse through the photos and scratch my head because I have no idea where any designers are going with their collections. Wearing helmets? I don't know if I can pull it off.

But a few weeks after the hubbub dies down aI can look through and pull the general ideas from each collection to make sense of it all. Let's be clear: couture has no place in a home with toddlers. Any time I spend serious coin on a piece of clothing it will no doubt be ruined by my slobbery son. But just because I'm gun shy about spending money on high fashion doesn't mean I can't be in style, right?

So, because I'm a caring individual, I pulled five general trends straight out of Fashion Week and I'm going to break them down for you. Yes, I know I'm an angel. Here we go!

Vintage Inspired



Call it the Mad Men Effect, but this trend makes me positively gleeful. NO ONE loves 50s fashion like Jae loves 50s fashion. I love the femininity of it all. It's just gorgeous. While the runways showcased seriously poofy dresses, you can get the same look with a pencil skirt. I love this one found at YesStyle.com. And these gloves are on my Christmas list fo shizzle (Did I just say "fo shizzle"?) Can you imagine how pretty these would be with a rolled up pea coat. I. DIE. And then I SHALL. OWN. (Modcloth)

Biker Glam


K, so Biker gone wrong can be seriously scary and too androgynous in a "Hi, my name is Alex" sort of way. But I think when you make biker a little more casual, it's less literal and more fashion forward. A good biker-inspired jacket is a must. As in, you must own one to be my friend. Then we'll embroider TEAM JAE on them. Wait, that got away from me. Anyway, this one from Old Navy is actually made of twill so you don't look like you actually want to be in a biker gang. And flats make the look pretty and innocent, but they can still add a rocker element to an otherwise blah outfit (Gap).

Embellished LBD



Now that we know how to accessorize an LBD, these LBDs come out that practically accessorize themselves. Boo, they usurp my power! Anyway, look for little black dresses that have an element of surprise, like a jeweld shoulder or lace overlay. It makes the dress look less office cocktail party and more 2010. Am I the only one who still has trouble typing out 2010? Also, I find it annoying I can't say '10 like I could say "Oh, it was back on 0-9," you know? (Oasis and Pinko)

Southern Belle



K, I am enamored by this trend as well. Said to have stemmed from Miss Sookie Stackhouse herself, an emphasis on sweet prints with flwing silhouettes works on just about every body type. The cardigan is ah-mazing. I would wear it with a plain ribbed tank, my boots and a mother load of necklaces. The tank top? Wear it with a little cardigan, jeans and heels for a date night. Your husband will thank me... and then you will become annoyed with me when you have to fake a headache AGAIN. (Buckle and Delia's)

Animal Prints


Oh, how relieved was I to see animal print come stomping down the runway; I *just* bought a pair of leopard print heels. These ones to be exact:HELLO DARLINGS!

Anyway, as always I think animal print is best in accessory form when just starting out. Otherwise it can be terrifying and cougar-y. I like leopard, zebra and snake and am even OK with mixing them AS LONG as they are neutrals. Like, no hot pink zebra and leopard print, please? The clutch is Rue21, and the watch (which I love and think is super awesome) is Endless.com. I think acquiring a piece or two of animal print can really update your wardrobe.

So, don't head out and buy the newest Tiny Hat . Keep your head around fashion week and buy pieces that translate into your real life. I already wore my new shoes and they were super foxy. Now I must have some vintage red gloves and I think I'll be good.

This week.