Freaky Friday: Wedding Edition

My SEVENTH anniversary is fast approaching in two weeks. I cannot believe I've been married that long. I keep telling my husband to brace himself, because a divorce is sure to follow. Seven year itch right?

Every so often I find myself thinking about the wedding. I think about the things that I would do differently now that I'm older and (hopefully) wiser. For instance, I wish I Would have scrapped the wedding reception altogether and gone somewhere warm with my family and a quickie ceremony. We had two receptions, one in Utah and one in Toronto and it was WAY too much. My mother and I wanted to kill each other, my husband and I wanted to kill each other, and I pretty much wanted to kill myself.

One thing I wouldn't change? My dress. I STILL love my dress. I remember buying it, thinking wait... am I going to look at pics ten years down the road and regret that my hair was too big or my dress was outdated? And no. While my wedding was in 2003, I'd probably pick the same. It was a very "Jae" dress. It was the quarter length sleeves. So me.

Here, look how pretty!


Right? I do wish I'd swapped the veil for just natural hair. I hate overdone wedding hair, it haunts my dreams. Mine was pretty simple, but if I were to do it again, I'd just leave it plain and call it good.

It made me wonder if any of the following brides would want to change things for their weddings. I mean, you do what you think you love at the time, and then something new comes out and you're like craaaaaaap I wanted that. Poor, conflicted brides and their poor, conflicted fashion.


Yeah, you'd better pray that your groom doesn't run in the other direction. I also feel like exposed tights are not church-appropriate, but hey, I could be wrong.


Non-white bridal dresses are totally acceptable not. Killing your toy poodle, dyeing him pink and wearing his pom-pom hat as a tail is never acceptable.


Miss Muffet got married? I didn't even get an invitation, y'all! RUDE.


Wow. Her future husband is in for a TREAT. Guess she's a virgin and doesn't quite know what to expect on the wedding night. Here's a hint: You don't *always* need boxing gloves.


LADY GAGA GOT MARRIED? I didn't even get THAT invitation either, y'all. I'm starting to think these fictional characters hate me. Wait, what's that you say? Lady Gaga isn't fictional? Oh. I thought I made her up.


This is so sweet and virginal, isn't it? What is the groom thinking as he watches her walk down the aisle? Better yet, what is his MOTHER thinking as she walks down the aisle??


I feel like weddings are an occasion where you should, at the very least, wear a shirt.

So, are there any things you would do different if you got married again? I figure with the seven year itch and all, I could be getting married again one of these days. Hopefully I'll remarry with one of the sexy hotnesses that were in last week's Freaky Friday.

Those were some fine, upstanding gentlemen.

Summer Swag on the Cheap

So I was just thinking about how much I am enjoying the summer this year. I usually am a die-hard winter girl. I love the cold, love the now, love everything about it.

Then I had kids.

And I got tired of hearing my daughter complain about being bored or my guilt setting in because she's watched four hours straight of Nick Jr. and I feel like I'm on acid because Yo Gabba Gabba is singing a song about biting friends, or not biting friends, as it were.

We've spent the last two weeks putting in your lawn and garden like REAL GROWN UPS and we've spent every day outside. I'm developing a lovely little tan that I've become quite vain about. I'm just waiting to get really burned so I'm put back in my place.

Anyhoo, summer fashion is so fleeting that you really shouldn't have to spend a lot of money on it. Instead, I like to buy a few cheapie accessory pieces to layer on my summer favorites to make them look new. Seriously. I've owned the same pair of shorts since 2006, and they are a little too big but every summer I drag them out of the closet and wear them to death.

Invest in a few really good summer pieces that won't go out of style. We're talking bermuda shorts, dresses and some really well-cut plain white tees. Everything else you can add to look like you're in the loop without spending a lot of coin.

(Sunglasses $13 found here)

You really need a solid pair of sunglasses. I tend to buy one nice designer pair and one crappy Wal-Mart pair that I don't care about losing. Right now I am rocking a pair of gold Timberland aviators that I love like I love my mother. I have larger features and a very heart-shaped face, so I tend to buy bigger glasses. Choose them according to your face shape, and TRY THEM ON. That's the best way to see whether or not they suit you.



(Wedges $30 found here)

Wedges definitely have become my new summer shoe. I bought a pair and have worn them religiously because I love how long and slender they make my legs look. Snakeskin is also a favorite for me too. The nice thing about wedges is that they don't sink into the grass, you can actually walk in them and they are casual enough to wear to the mall and easy to dress up with a skirt. Love them for life, I'll be sad when I have to put mine away.



(Scarf $8 found here)

A summer scarf is SO CRAZY FOOLPROOF and easy to wear. It takes two seconds and all of a sudden it's like oh, insta-hip. I now have like seven of them and I don't see stopping anytime soon. In the summer, I love to wear mine with a white tee, sunglasses and big hoop earrings (and PANTS, gosh don't be such a perv) Because they are made of lighter fabrics, you're not going to get hot and it adds nice dimension to an otherwise boring outfit. I think I just talked myself into wearing one today!


Coral cardi $20 found here)

When I was shopping over Memorial Day I could not get over how many stores had coral as part of their collections. It was everywhere. And in the process of the day, it grew on me and then became indispensable. I bought a sheer-striped cardigan from Banana Republic in this color and I've worn it a bazillion times since then. It's been so fun to find color combos. I've work it with crisp white, turquoise, gray, even an army green and it all looked amazing. Plus the color makes tan people look bronze and white people look fair and blushing. LOVE.


White bag $25 found here)

Yes! I love a white bag in the summer. Look for one that is big enough to hold at least some sunscreen and a good book, and check out the girly details. Handbags lately are all frills and bows and I love. Just a word of caution: I bought a white bag and wore it with dark jeans and the blue from jeans totally rubbed off on the bag and made me frown. Another tip though? Magic eraser takes off ANYTHING.

Summer shopping isn't going to cost an arm and a leg. Besides, I spend all of my money on snow cones until September anyway. Look for cheapie, "now" pieces to update. Now with less guilt!

PS: Those of you who have followed and enjoy my brother's antics... here you go!

Freaky Friday: Father's Day

Since Father's Day is *just* around the corner (That's a reminder to all you stragglers to get out and buy a present) I thought I'd do a little something for my four male readers this morning. I think guys, in general, have it pretty rough when it comes to clothes. There aren't a lot of "trends" when it comes to guys. Jeans and polos have pretty much been it since the 70's. But that doesn't mean you can't find fantastic little gems to make you look EVEN MORE masculine, if that's even possible.


So, Matt over at Tiepedia alerted me to some seriously geeky ties. He posted a bunch on his website, which are hilarious, and then I found this pixel one. FOR SERIOUS GEEKS ONLY. Go buy your husband one so you can give it to him and make sure he never wears it.


Denim is masculine, right? This guy looks like an old timey sailor... if they were all gay. Dogpile in the bunks tonight, sailors!


What is this, the Phantom of the Opera? Best for dads who have a flair for the dramatic. And maybe an alter ego too.


This man's chest and bicep were doing something naughty so they had to be censored. I wish that it was the only thing wrong with this outfit.


Mesh!?!?! Really? What's the point? Just go naked for the love of all that is holy. PS: What's with the POSE.


For the pimp daddy who has everything on Father's Day. Pimp daddies are fathers, right?


Hahaha. I love the model's face in this picture. "Really? A ruffled shirt? I thought we went over this in Seinfeld. Whatever, it's work." PS Model, nice dye job.


Why is this man clearly wearing a woman's tankini? Note to all men, everywhere. HALTER TOPS ARE NOT FOR YOU.


Oh, yeah, let's definitely bust out the tie dye striped VEST and then leave it unbuttoned. At some point, doesn't the shirt stop mattering? Unless his nipples are super susceptbile to sun damage, this shirt does nothing.

So why don't we all give our husbands/significant others a big fat kiss for father's day for not dressing like a douchebag, shall we? I know I'm grateful that my husband has less sculpted eyebrows than me.

Skills: 10 Steps to the Perfect Blowout

(Ah! Pretty hair that I covet! This here is pretty much the perfect blowout. )

...and I don't mean in your baby's diaper. Those ten steps would be like 1) Feed your baby prunes and apple juice all morning. 2) Leave the house without your typical *just in case* extra diaper... etc. OMG the diaper blow out in public. Is there anything worse? Actually, no... one time I was in a store when my daughter was a year old and she totally projectile vomited everywhere. But diaper blowouts are pretty gross. Luckily, we're not talking about them today.

We are talking about HAIR blowouts. You know when you get your hair done, and the stylist blow dries it all perfectly silky smooth, and then you can never seem to replicate the job at home? Yeah that. Now I prefer to do my own blowouts so much that when I have my haircut I never let her dry it. I head home with it wet, where I can assess the hairstyle and style it my own way. I've had too many bad experiences where what I thought was a terrible haircut (PANIC!) was just a too-fluffy blowdry job (HOORAY!)

You should know how to get a perfect blowout. That means hair that has volume without being too terrifying or without having it go too flat. I like y blowout to have a little curl, but it totally depends on the texture that you have. If you have for real curly hair, you can complete the blowout steps with a diffuser for really defined curls.

Ready? Have your pen out? You better be taking notes! At the end there will be a test.

1) Start with wet hair straight outta the shower. I don't always condition my hair, but I always do when I know I'm going to be doing a blowout. When you get out of the shower, don't scrub your hair dry. That just ruffled the hair shaft and practically guarantees flyaways. Pat it dry.

2) Pop in some product. I am a mousse lover because I like the volume. But gel is fine, as is serum, if you have frizzy hair. Instead of just scrunching it through, apply it directly to the roots. I work mine in like I work in shampoo. Then, comb the product through to the ends. YAY.

3) Clip the top portion of your hair with a couple of large alligator clips. If you don't own any, get some immediately. They are awesome. Just part your hair by running your thumbs across the tops of your ears and pinning the top portion on top of your head like a weirdo.

4) Get your dryer and brush ready. I prefer to do the bottom portion of my hair without a brush, and just run my fingers through while I do the bottom portion, so it doesn't look so *done*. But a round brush will give you a good shape if you're not comfortable with going without. Point the dryer DOWN from the top of your head, directing the heat to the exposed hair. Pointing down with give you the smoothest results. Anyone who has seen a hair care commercial knows that your hair shaft can get all frazzle-y otherwise.

5) Once the bottom portion of hair is like, 80 percent dry, unclip the top. This is because as you blow dry the top of your hair, the bottom portion will be dried the rest of the way. If you dry it 100 percent, you could be burning it. NO GOOD.

6) Work with your haircut to dry the top portion of your hair in the same way as you did the bottom. If you have a shorter hairstyle, you're going to be working with your brush more to nudge it into the right shape. If you have longer hair, it's pretty easy to just dry it into shape. I flip all of my hair to once side and blast the hair dryer at the roots to get better lift, then I point downward as I slowly flip sections back over to the right side.

7) Heat up a flat iron or curling iron. I run it through the top layer of the hair only, and then twist the ends so I get a bit of bouncy curl at the bottom. Or, for straight hair, run the flat iron through while following the path of the iron with a round brush. The shape of the round brush will make the volume from the flat iron take hold.

8) Apply a little hairspray or pomade to finish the look. Shorter hair will benefit from pomade because it gives your hair more definition and shine. I prefer hairspray because my hair is longer. To finish off the look I grasp a large portion of my hair on the side, lift it, and spritz short bursts of an aerosol hairspray as I slowly release the hair. It creates little pockets of air and hold that give my hair a more well-rounded blowout.

9) Finally , smooth the top layer of hair over for a sleek look. I sometimes apply a leetle oil to the ends just to they look smooth and not frizzy.

10) Give it once over and wink at yourself in the mirror, sexy laday!

Alright, want to see a finished product blowout? Here's me!


This was my favorite hair EVER but it was red and everyone kept telling me I looked like my mom. Not that that's bad... it just got weird.


This was my family picture blowout that I did around Christmas time. It was EPIC good hair and I congratulated myself quite heartily. Also, I'm wearing false eyelashes and my friend said it looked like an Old Navy ad. Psssshhh if Old Navy had me styling everyone's hair maybe.

So, the blowout. The pretty, non-diaper kind isn't as hard as it seems. It takes a little time, the right techniques and the right products, but once you done it one time, it's super easy. It can even fit into a 30-minute level three! In fact... I think I might do one today (I have a volunteers dinner tonight to go to.) I'll post pics on the Facebook page when I'm done!

PS... I would like to point out that although I was extremely tempted to title this post "Skillz" I refrained. YOU ARE WELCOME, good sirs.

Mama Fit Monday: Amazing Abs--Is It Possible?

If you were to ask 10 people what they would like to change about their body, 8 of them would say their abs.

We all want strong, sexy looking abs. But after having kids, is that possible?

Absolutely!

So how do you get great looking abs? I'd love to tell you all you have to do is 100 crunches everyday, but it doesn't quite work like that. It's more of a combination of things.

1. Cut your Sugar.
This may sound easy, but sugar is in everything. So start reading your labels and avoid sugar (the white refined kind) at all costs. (I will talk more about the damaging effects of sugar later).

2. Move More
You need to increase your cardio. As you know my favourite cardio is the 20 min fat burning workout out, but if you are not moving now, more will do just fine. Get out and go for a walk, jog, roller blade. You will find yourself burning more calories and losing more weight.

3. Lift weights
Most women are nervous about lifting weights. Please don't be. They will give your body the toned look you want. You not only will be stronger and leaner but you will turn your body into a calorie burning machine.

Getting great looking ab's is possible. It's not as easy as some would have you believe, but with some determination, persistence and hard work, you too can have strong, sexy abs:)

Committed to your fitness success,
Kelly Parker
www.fitmommakeover.net

Freaky Friday

Hello friends! It's time for more Freaky Friday! A reader alerted me to some bad fashion on one site, and I ended up pulling all of these items from the clearance section. Oh clearance section, how you bring me subsequent joy and shame!





So I actually own this necklace, so it's not part of Freaky Friday. But I wanted to show you how much I really enjoy "bib" necklaces.


...But the really needn't be ACTUAL bibs, k? I know it would be helpful while eating lobster in a chic way, but you'd just get butter all over the beading. Embarrassing.


Remember when we talked about being too literal? Aye, aye, Jae!


My dad actually owned a pair of these shorts in the 70s I believe. I feel like you have to know my dad to appreciate this. He's a biker with a heart of gold. He also used have a beard of gold, which I think is what really made the short acid wash cut offs WORK.


Now this is an overshare. How this poor model doesn't just feel naked and all exposed is beyond me. Here's another rule of thumb for you! If you have to have a Brazilian in order to wear the outfit, it's too short.


I love me some python, but this is horrifying.


YES! This whole outfit just works. AND it hides your adult diaper just so.


Oh, please, more rompers! I especially like this one that a reader sent in. I enjoy how it reminds me of an old-timey jailbird being chased down by hound dogs.

Well ladyfriends, enjoy your weekend. It's going to be rainy here so you might just find me seeing Prince of Persia again because I love Jake Gyllenhaal's hot body and clever one liners.

Look Better in Less Time

(Sweet mother, this stuff is GOLD. If gold was $1.)

So I want to continue on our theme that Kelly the Trainer started, about being strapped for time pretty much every day.

We've discussed how obnoxious I find it when people believe that if you look nice, you must be neglecting your children in some way. THIS IS PISH POSH. I know this because yesterday, while I got ready my son ate all of my makeup brushes because he was sitting right beside me.

Take that, naysayers.

But really, is there anything more annoying than getting ready to go somewhere? There's the showering and the dressing and the makeuping and the yelling at my kids and the show finding because baby's shoes are officially THE WORST. My son's always end up somewhere totally weird like the underwear drawer and my husband and I end up in a screaming match because we're late and our child is shoeless and just threw up on himself.

I KNOW.

Since having numero dos (that's number two for my non-Dora watching friends) I have learned to streamline my process so that at least I am looking presentable before we leave the house, no matter what.

That's not to say I don't have days where I wear my husband's Nike shorts around. I had a really BAD sunburn on Tuesday and pants hurt me.

But my general rule of thumb is this: Never leave the house in a state where you would be MORTIFIED if your ex saw you.

You know how you always want your ex to see how amazingly attractive and successful you've become? And how you've exceeded his expectations completely so he can go home and mourn your loss forever? Yeah. That's how you should look when you leave the house. Because you never know, right?

In my case, I'm just usually terrified that a reader will catch me in sweats and my credibility will be destroyed. But usually I can get showered, dressed, hair and makeup done in 30 minutes. So I plan accordingly and more often than not, finish it fast.

Of course, I don't always need 30 minutes. I separate how "ready" I have to get into levels.

Level One: I'm picking up my daughter from preschool and don't want to look haggy, but don't really care just the same.

After getting showered and dressed in something easy like jeans and a vintage tee, I brush a motherlode of mousse through my hair and call it good. I have lovey wavy hair that can go either way. I then brush on some BareMinerals, which is my makeup lover, curl my eyelashes and hit them mascara. Done in five minutes, BOOM. Flip flops are applied.

Level Two: I am getting ready for the day, have 15 minutes and don't want my husband to be terrified of me when he gets home.

Shower, dressed in something like dark jeans and a more embellished shirt, and blowdry my hair with a diffuser. Then I do my super awesome flat iron curls. For makeup, I get BareMinerals foundation AND bronzer, pop on liquid eyeliner (My favorite is E.L.F. in purple. I am obsessed. I might buy several in advanced because I'm scared of not having it. It goes on like a marker so it stays put FOREVER) and eyelashes curled, mascara applied, flats on.

Level Three: I have an event, like a wedding or something.

This is when I do my whole shebang 30 minutes. I wear something hot, because that's the way I roll. If you know anything about me by now you know I enjoy Mad Man-esque 40s and 50s vintage styles. I usually straighten out my hair which can be time consuming. As for makeup, I do it the same but add a smoky eye. Does everyone know how to do a smoky eye? I feel like next week should be skills week and we'll cover smoky eyes and blowouts. SHALL WE? Ooh, I'm excited. ANYHOW, the smoky eye is the fastest way to look dramatic with not much effort. Then I slap on some super dramatic jewelry like peacock earrings, a pair of heels and am good to go.

Having a process and a plan when you get ready for the morning or for a date can make it go faster and be less painful for your poor husband, who if like mine is sitting out in the car and trying very hard not to lay on the horn.

Streamline your process and know beforehand how long it will take you to get ready for anything. It bothers me when someone is like "Yeah, it'll be like 10 mins!" and it's really like, an hour, and they're advertising how much time and effort it takes to make them look presentable, you know? Giving a little extra to your appearance shouldn't take hours. It shold take a few extra minutes to do something that gives you a little umph in your step.

If you don't usually feel good about yourself during the day because you feel crappy about your appearance, why not just *try* today to fix your hair or wear some cute shoes. I KNOW it's trivial when baby birds are dying in the Gulf of Mexico, but maybe it'll do a little something for your day. Don't get me wrong, I'll bet you have a super sweet spirit, and your personality is like, the soul equivalent of a Victoria's Secret model. But maybe it's okay to care that the inside and outside match, right?