Freaky Friday

Hello friends! It's time for more Freaky Friday! A reader alerted me to some bad fashion on one site, and I ended up pulling all of these items from the clearance section. Oh clearance section, how you bring me subsequent joy and shame!





So I actually own this necklace, so it's not part of Freaky Friday. But I wanted to show you how much I really enjoy "bib" necklaces.


...But the really needn't be ACTUAL bibs, k? I know it would be helpful while eating lobster in a chic way, but you'd just get butter all over the beading. Embarrassing.


Remember when we talked about being too literal? Aye, aye, Jae!


My dad actually owned a pair of these shorts in the 70s I believe. I feel like you have to know my dad to appreciate this. He's a biker with a heart of gold. He also used have a beard of gold, which I think is what really made the short acid wash cut offs WORK.


Now this is an overshare. How this poor model doesn't just feel naked and all exposed is beyond me. Here's another rule of thumb for you! If you have to have a Brazilian in order to wear the outfit, it's too short.


I love me some python, but this is horrifying.


YES! This whole outfit just works. AND it hides your adult diaper just so.


Oh, please, more rompers! I especially like this one that a reader sent in. I enjoy how it reminds me of an old-timey jailbird being chased down by hound dogs.

Well ladyfriends, enjoy your weekend. It's going to be rainy here so you might just find me seeing Prince of Persia again because I love Jake Gyllenhaal's hot body and clever one liners.

Look Better in Less Time

(Sweet mother, this stuff is GOLD. If gold was $1.)

So I want to continue on our theme that Kelly the Trainer started, about being strapped for time pretty much every day.

We've discussed how obnoxious I find it when people believe that if you look nice, you must be neglecting your children in some way. THIS IS PISH POSH. I know this because yesterday, while I got ready my son ate all of my makeup brushes because he was sitting right beside me.

Take that, naysayers.

But really, is there anything more annoying than getting ready to go somewhere? There's the showering and the dressing and the makeuping and the yelling at my kids and the show finding because baby's shoes are officially THE WORST. My son's always end up somewhere totally weird like the underwear drawer and my husband and I end up in a screaming match because we're late and our child is shoeless and just threw up on himself.

I KNOW.

Since having numero dos (that's number two for my non-Dora watching friends) I have learned to streamline my process so that at least I am looking presentable before we leave the house, no matter what.

That's not to say I don't have days where I wear my husband's Nike shorts around. I had a really BAD sunburn on Tuesday and pants hurt me.

But my general rule of thumb is this: Never leave the house in a state where you would be MORTIFIED if your ex saw you.

You know how you always want your ex to see how amazingly attractive and successful you've become? And how you've exceeded his expectations completely so he can go home and mourn your loss forever? Yeah. That's how you should look when you leave the house. Because you never know, right?

In my case, I'm just usually terrified that a reader will catch me in sweats and my credibility will be destroyed. But usually I can get showered, dressed, hair and makeup done in 30 minutes. So I plan accordingly and more often than not, finish it fast.

Of course, I don't always need 30 minutes. I separate how "ready" I have to get into levels.

Level One: I'm picking up my daughter from preschool and don't want to look haggy, but don't really care just the same.

After getting showered and dressed in something easy like jeans and a vintage tee, I brush a motherlode of mousse through my hair and call it good. I have lovey wavy hair that can go either way. I then brush on some BareMinerals, which is my makeup lover, curl my eyelashes and hit them mascara. Done in five minutes, BOOM. Flip flops are applied.

Level Two: I am getting ready for the day, have 15 minutes and don't want my husband to be terrified of me when he gets home.

Shower, dressed in something like dark jeans and a more embellished shirt, and blowdry my hair with a diffuser. Then I do my super awesome flat iron curls. For makeup, I get BareMinerals foundation AND bronzer, pop on liquid eyeliner (My favorite is E.L.F. in purple. I am obsessed. I might buy several in advanced because I'm scared of not having it. It goes on like a marker so it stays put FOREVER) and eyelashes curled, mascara applied, flats on.

Level Three: I have an event, like a wedding or something.

This is when I do my whole shebang 30 minutes. I wear something hot, because that's the way I roll. If you know anything about me by now you know I enjoy Mad Man-esque 40s and 50s vintage styles. I usually straighten out my hair which can be time consuming. As for makeup, I do it the same but add a smoky eye. Does everyone know how to do a smoky eye? I feel like next week should be skills week and we'll cover smoky eyes and blowouts. SHALL WE? Ooh, I'm excited. ANYHOW, the smoky eye is the fastest way to look dramatic with not much effort. Then I slap on some super dramatic jewelry like peacock earrings, a pair of heels and am good to go.

Having a process and a plan when you get ready for the morning or for a date can make it go faster and be less painful for your poor husband, who if like mine is sitting out in the car and trying very hard not to lay on the horn.

Streamline your process and know beforehand how long it will take you to get ready for anything. It bothers me when someone is like "Yeah, it'll be like 10 mins!" and it's really like, an hour, and they're advertising how much time and effort it takes to make them look presentable, you know? Giving a little extra to your appearance shouldn't take hours. It shold take a few extra minutes to do something that gives you a little umph in your step.

If you don't usually feel good about yourself during the day because you feel crappy about your appearance, why not just *try* today to fix your hair or wear some cute shoes. I KNOW it's trivial when baby birds are dying in the Gulf of Mexico, but maybe it'll do a little something for your day. Don't get me wrong, I'll bet you have a super sweet spirit, and your personality is like, the soul equivalent of a Victoria's Secret model. But maybe it's okay to care that the inside and outside match, right?

Mama Fit Monday: The 20 Minute Fat Blasting Workout!

Everyone is busy these days. But no one is busier than a mom.
Trust me, I know. Running a business, getting three kids to the bus on time,
cleaning up after the morning rush, for that matter cleaning up after the last night
rush, getting to work, helping with papers after school, throwing on a load of laundry,
getting three kids to three different
fields for soccer, showers, snacks, reading, bed. Opps I forgot to feed the cat!

As a mom, I know you are busy, and because of what we do, I know you are the
last person you think about. I know your children will have the latest, cutest shoes.
Their hair will always been done, (unless your daughter is like mine and refuses
to let me touch it), they are signed up for swimming, soccer, gymnastics or hockey, put
simply, they're taken care of.

What about you?

If you are like most moms, you will maybe get a hair cut once a year, and buy a pair of jeans
at the same time. You won't get new shoes (unless you are Jae) cuz your old ones will do just fine.
The point I'm trying to make ladies, is that we just don't take time to care for us.

Trust me, when I learned I needed "me" time, I was so much happier. And isn't it true that when
"mom" is happy the whole family is happy??

There are tons of ways to get in some special "me" time, but since I change people lives through
health and fitness I'm going to share with you a ton of ways you can look and feel better through
taking some important time for you.

The biggest reason I hear from people why they don't exercise is: I Don't Have Time!!!

While I understand, I really do. I also know, that you will never have time. Something will always be there.
You Must MAKE the time if you are going to feel better, look better and have more energy.

This is my favourite cardio workout ever!! I have to admit I didn't come up with this one on my own, but
I have been doing it for years, and it's the best fat burner ever(with the exception of using weights) that I know. The best part is
it takes only 20 min. from start to finish and you can do it anywhere, on anything.

I have even done this running in place when I absolutely couldn't get out of the house.

Here it is: The 20 Minute Fat B lasting Workout!

Minute --- Intensity
1 ---------- 5-warmup
2 ---------- 5
3 ---------- 6
4----------- 7
5----------- 8
6----------- 9
7 -----------6
8 -----------7
9----------- 8
10---------- 9
11---------- 6
12 --------- 7
13 --------- 8
14---------- 9
15 ----------6
16 ----------7
17---------- 8
18 --------- 9
19 --------- 10- maximum
20--------- 5-cooldown

There it is. Now this may take a few tries before you feel like you really got it. If you are doing this on equipment do not increase your incline. For every minute, you will increase your speed just a bit. The same goes for when you are outside walking or running. Increase your speed every minute just a bit. Sometimes it's easier to work backwards. At minute 19 you are going at your max. So therefore you know that a 9 intensity is still pretty quick and 8 and so on.

Give a try a few times and you will get to know your intensities and if you need to push yourself harder next time. Try this workout 2 times a week and you will start to see your body make some big changes. Good luck with it and let me know how it goes.

Freaky Friday

We're a little late getting started today! Sorry 'bout that.

I do have some delicious treats for you in the way of my embarrassment. I went shopping over Memorial Day and couldn't help but check out the sale racks to see what lovely mishaps I could dig out and try on for Freaky Friday's sake. And man, did I get some doozies. Also, I have plenty more reader submissions that make me very happy. Join the Facebook fanpage (see left) and send 'em over. I'll be your best buddy and not make fun of you in public.

I said IN PUBLIC. I will not restrain myself at home.


First of all, let it be known that I look RIDICULOUS in large, floppy hats, yet very cool in my Canada shirt. True north strong and free, indeed. Sorry if I disappoint you with my lack of fashion while shopping the weekend. You get t-shirt and jeans Jae. I did wear my Gucci watch in an attempt to get more fashion-y. See? She's pretty.


You know, I want to buy these jeans but I wasn't sure I had the extra ten minutes that it would take each morning to zip up the FLY. (Thanks Charity!)


Oh what's that? You want to see what I would look like in capris AND clogs? Don't mind if I do!


Lets have a close up. They were silver, with mint green and fuchsia embroaidery. I would have bought them except for the fact that they gave me man feet and were an abomination.


YES! Hey, model... I have a guy I want to set you up with. I think she would be a perfect match for Sexy Unicorn Man, no?


The only thing scarier than this mans coin slot bum jeans is his MUSTACHE.

PS, I feel like men shouldn't have such shapely bums. It's disconcerting.

I can't stop looking.


Facebook fans and I had a HEYDAY with this one this week. So many good comparisons, including
-A Great Clips mascot
-Tina Turner's skirt AND hairstle
-Where the Wild Things Are
-A bleached cousin IT
-Jelly fish
-A curtain tassel

I felt all were tres appropriate.



I found this BEAUTIFUL ANGEl denim jacket with corduroy collar for a mere $1.99 over the weekend. Don be jealous homegirls... I know you want its shapeless waist and awkward length. Also, the pose is a homage to another fashion blogger who always does the same one in her outfit posts. I think it is hilar. Anyway, could it make me any bulkier? I was *this close* to buying the whole rack and burning them so they were gone from the face of the earth completely. Then I remembered there were other stores and I wanted to spend my money on pretzel dogs and such.

It was a good weekend. My sister in law tried to get me to wear a pair of pleather leggings for Freaky Friday. I love you guys, but this is not the Jersey Shore, nor is my name Snookie. You'll just have to imagine.

Literally.

If you know me in real life, you know that "literally" is probably one of my favorite words. So much do I love it, that my brothers made fun of me all Christmas break by saying "figuratively" after every made up sentence to combat my love for the word. As in:

Me: This snow is making blind.
Brother: Figuratively.
Me; K, YES I GET IT.

Anyhow, one big pet peeve of mine when it comes to fashion, is when a new trend is introduced. You love it. You want to be cool, right? So you go and purchase every piece of clothing that matches and wear them altogether like the runway exploded on you.

Very, very bad.

Trends should NOT be taken literally. Even when the models are dressed quasi-comically in a collection, that doesn't mean that's how you should wear it in real life. Most collections are completely exaggerated, and to make it work, you take one or two pieces instead of doing the whole shebang.

Here I'll look over the trends. SEE if you can spot the literal translation.

Just kidding, I'll totally tell because I like to hear myself talk. Er... type. Hopefully you'll note that the outfits to the left are the literal way of doing the trend, and the right is something that's a better choice.

Abandon Hitch Cardigan | Abandon Knitwear @ USC, 15 GBP
Ruffled Polka Dot Knit Top, $18
7580 Skinny Jean - American Eagle Outfitters, $30
AE Women's Artist Jeans (Bright Medium), $40
FRYE Women's Harness 12R Boot: Frye: Shoes, $168
Forever21.com - New Arrivals - 1062767024, $5.80

Okay, so you know I love a western trend like I love my mother. And the Fryes pictured are the ones I own AND THEY ARE ON SALE. Such a good investment if you have it. But I really dislike when people head out looking like actual cowboys when there isn't a horse nor cow in sight. At the most, pick two trendy items to wear together. Instead of the hat and the boots and the buckle, go for a worn boot and a plaid, non-cowboy shirt, or pair the belt with a cardigan. I like darker denim too, so it doesn't look so corn-pokey.

AE Women's Camp Shirt (White), $35
MIA Women's Cristina Wedge Sandal: Shoes, $49
Pocket-Front Shoulder Bag, $35
OMYGOD Swarovski Crystal Dog Tag Pendant, 17 GBP
Camo Cargo Short, $23
Gap French terry camo hat, $11

I love camo because it looks so masculine, but can be cut in feminine ways so there's an interesting juxtaposition of both. But wearing a lot of camo can look gross and boyish, OR super redneck. The best way to do camo is to pair it with something crisp and structured, like a really good button up... or button down? Tomato, Tomahto. Anyways, feminizing it with heels or wedges makes it a definitive fashion statement instead of looking like you borrowed your hubby's shorts. And finally, adding a punch of color to brighten up the neutrals will help with the blah feeling.

Smocked Waist Ruffle Top - Women's Clothing and Apparel - Chic..., $39
Heidi Panel Jacket, 110 AUD
Jesiré Bow Front Twill Skirt, Grey, 16, 75 GBP
Fuchsia Faux Suede Semi Pointy Studded Pump Heels clipped by salvsnena, $29
Amazon.com: SR SQUARED by Sondra Roberts Beach Day Button Clutch: bag..., $35
Sterling Silver Cubic Zirconia Interlocking Teardrop Post Earrings:..., $22
Fossil - Braided O Ring (Black) - Accessories, $44
VELVET BOW ANYWHERE CLIP, $40

So, I love bows. My husband and I once engaged in a heated discussion because I purchased leather hair bows and he wondered if they were for our daughter. Obviously he didn't GET my vision. But bows can be taken very literally and worn with a girly outfit, making it look twee and childish. When you wear something as feminine or girly as a bow, it helps to harden it with leather or a more rock and roll look. The gray skirt picture has a bow at the waist and could look totally ballerina, but when paired with a leather jacket and studded heels, it gets an instant update.

So, if you see something that you like in the shop window or on TV, remember not to take trends to literally. I mean, if the trend is "peasant", you don't ACTUALLY have to dress like a peasant. That would be weird and make people uncomfortable. Choose pieces here and there, and then BALANCE them with contrasting pieces to make a fashion-forward and non-crazyperson outfit.

Freaky Friday: Fun With Keywords

I obviously have a Statcounter installed on this site so I can see who is floating around. Mostly I use it to see how many hits a day I'm getting, and where they are coming from, but every so often I peek in the keyword analysis to see what people are searching in order to happen upon my site.

They. Are. Hilarious.

My fave fashion blog, Daddy Likey does "Inadvertently Ask Daddy Likey" , where she answers questions asked solely to the search engine when someone is searching and finds her site. I thought it would be fun to do some keyword analysis of my own using the awesome inquiries that people type into Google before landing over here. These are ACTUAL searches... I'm serious.

1) Eyeliner Memories?

Um, okay... I have an eyeliner memory. Once, when I was in the hospital, I was feeling vain and brought along all my makeup. I was going to be there for six weeks for goodness sakes. The only shelf in the hospital bathroom was directly above the jet-engine toilet, so I stuck all of my makeup there. After doing my makeup one day ( I was only allowed out of bed to shower, so I made the most of it) I put my eyeliner back and it rolled immediately into the toilet. When I made a desperate grab for it (not in the water) I triggered the motion sensor and it was flushed down the toilet. Heartbreaking. I don't know why you wanted to rehash such a sad memory.

Also, when I was 14, I wore white eyeliner until I found out that only easy girls did that. So I switched to brown. Enough memories for you?

2) I don't own any capris.

That's probably because you've read my blog. I give you a hearty cyber pat on the back.

3) Miley Cyrus bad outfits.

Wrong website, bub. I cover an extensive array of bad fashion, but not THAT bad. You're looking for "How Not to Dress Like a Normal and Respectable Teenager".

4) My mom dresses badly.

First of all, bless your little heart for being caring enough about your mom to run a Google search on her. Really, bravo. Secondly, give her the website to this blog, and tell her I'm here for her. Also, let her know that every time she wears tapered jeans, God kills a blind puppy.

5) What to wear to the OB/GYN.

Well, first, we need to have a frank discussion of what goes on at the OB/GYN. He checks out your lady parts in a non-threatening way. I say skip the wait and go pantless. Will it make the other people in the waiting room uncomfortable? Yes. But it'll get rid of that awkward moment when you're asked to derobe and given a paper sheet to be modest with. Your OB will soon know you as the fastest appointment of the day, and he might give you a discount. You heard it right here, folks.

6) I hate gladiator sandals.

Hey, me too! Can we be best friends and braid eachother's hair and I'll tell you my secrets?

7) Attracting a mom.

Really? Wait, are you wanting to attract a mom because you want to date her, or wanting to attract a mom because you want a mom? Either way, you're weird.

8) How would I look in capris.

Probably stumpy. Unless.... wait, is this Heidi Klum? In that case, you'll look leggy and adorable.

9) What to wear at a wedding for ladies.

K, I know this person probably meant "What should a lady wear to a wedding" but I read it as "What to wear to a wedding for LADIES only," and in that case, the answer is plaid. Lots and lots of plaid. Especially if you're the butch one.

10) Capris and gladiator sandals?

My world just exploded. Thanks.


That was fun, wasn't it. Aren't you glad that if you search something odd, I'll post it here for everyone to see? I SURE AM!

And just so you know, this post was in fact Gaga-approved.




See her gesture of approval? She loves my turtleshell smock.

Well, I am kicking off a Memorial Day shopping excursion and the end to my terrible shopping diet. My shopping diet went as well as a regular diet would for me, meaning I made sneaky trips to McDonald's for a Big Mac when no one was looking.

Happy long weekend! Empty those wallets!

Jae's Guide to Necklines

I bet you haven't thought a lot about necklines, have you? Unless it's like, your wedding, you probably go to the store, find a shirt you like, and buy it regardless. But the neckline ultimately determines the type of accessories and body part you're featuring, so it's worth a quick look. Know what looks good on your body, and your shopping stress decreases exponentially. Instead of wandering through a giant store (*cough*F21*cough*) you can quickly pinpoint what you want and THEN eat your emotions in pretzels.

Here's a BASIC listing of neckline styles and a few cute shirts I like too.

Br-break it down... (Okay, I might have been watching Yo Gabba Gabba today. One day I'm going to take a Percocet and watch it. I bet it's HILARIOUS.)


Welp... that was a weird and honest admission on my part. TO THE CLOTHES!

V-NECKS





Graphic V- Victoria Secret (MUST BUY IMMEDIATELY), relaxed V - American Eagle

I tend to gravitate towards v-necks because I think they are a universally flattering neckline. They open up the face by showing more skin around the chest and neck. V's are especially great if you carry a little extra weight; they create distance between your chin and chest for a thinner appearance. A word of warning though; a lot of v's are so deep you need to wear a cami under. This is fine, but wearing a cami that is too high necked can ruin the proportion of the shirt. Let's keep it low, ladies!

ROUND

Raglan tee- Charlotte Russe

YAWWWWN. Oh, I'm sorry, were you talking to me? I had fallen asleep from boredom of this shirt. Hey, don't get me wrong. I own like three raglan tees and wear them when I feel tomboyish and generally adorable, but round neck shirts as a whole aren't looking to party. I understand wearing a casual round neck, but look for something to spice it up a little. Wear your round neck graphic tee with a worn blazer, or pile on a few huge necklaces. Much better. Or be like me and walk around looking like a little leaguer.


SWEETHEART



Sweetheart Tank - Tilly's

By far my favorite of the bunch, a sweetheart constitutes straight straps or shoulders and a sculpted neckline. It looks good on EVERYONE. Like, no joke. Instant pretty. Imagine this with a little navy cardigan? I die. I've also been watching too much Rachel Zoe. THAT IS BESIDE THE POINT. Another look that opens up your chest, it allows you to show a little cleave without taking a trip into ho-town, if you know what I'm saying. Pretty with earrings, you don't even need to really do anything to this to make it pretty. It's so feminine and lovely.

SQUARE


Square neck - French Connection

So plus size girls, listen up! You know how every time you put on a shirt, it either makes you look like you're a nun, OR trying to scare children with your bosom buddies? A square neckline is perfect for you. It shows a little skin without wandering into XXX territory. It cutts straight across the top, giving you a nice line while still offering some modest coverage. Love!

SCOOP

Studded tee - GoJane.com

A scoop neck is a good choice for something out of the ordinary. I really prefer it on smaller-framed girls who carry their weight in the hips and butt (ahem, me) because it balances out the width across yours hips for better proportion. It's also fun to dress up or down, depending on where you're going... with this shirt, I wouldn't touch it as far as accessories except for maybe a ring. A plainer shirt would get some awesome necklaces. Or some peacock earrings WOO!

BATEAU

Boat neck tee - Alloy

So bateau or boat neck shirts can be tricky to wear. If you love your neck and shoulders, go right ahead. Otherwise it can be a mess. It's a lot of fabric around the neck area, which means it's best for those with a thinner build and longer neck. It looks so pretty with earrings. If you have big boobs, move away. This will do what a turtleneck does... meaning they are going to look gargantuan. Unless that's the look you're going for. Or, if you're like me and have small boobs, wear it to fool people.

So, clear as mud? Hopefully that helps to guide your way through your next shopping trip. Incidentally mine is on Saturday. Print it off and it's like you have a little Jae in your pocket, which is helpful and not the slightest bit creepy.