Freaky Friday: For the OB/GYN Who Has Everything

On a forum I frequent the other day, a friend pointed me toward a growing and DISTURBING trend across the Interwebs lately.

Hoo-ha accessories.

Yeah, no. I will never be one of those people who can use anatomically correct terms in every day conversation. Much like my 16 year old self, they will cause me to giggle like a child. So you get my favorite creative terms for the lady portions of your body.

Anyway, I was all set to post tons of pics of scary chocha jewelry, buttons, EARRINGS, t-shirts and underwear omg and all the rest of it, when I was like, wait a second. My BROTHERS read this blog. And I cannot ever speak to them ever again if I know that they happened across scary va-jay-jay pics on my website. DON'T YOU PUT THAT EVIL ON ME! So I'll give you a little push in the right direction, and whatever you find, you find.

K, so on the topic of ladyparts pendants and such, I get it. I get that you are all "Man, I Feel Like a Woman" and want to roar and vote and all of that business. Hey, you've probably had a baby and really respect what your body can do. But, unless you have an extremely mannish haircut AND unisex name like Alex, most people will know that you are a female simply by looking. If the only way to tell your gender is to flash your ladybits, then you have bigger problems than I can fix here. I don't understand why a nice lip gloss can't do the same thing. Still makes you feel like a lady, and doesn't scare children.

Or me.

Not to mention, do you really want the awkward moment that ensues when a nice old man compliments your "flower necklace" and you have to point out that it's actually an artful sculpture of your business? No. It would be horrifying for both of you. Unless you're one of those weird fertility-esque tree huggers who is all about the prowess of femininity and the goddess of making people feel uncomfortable. In which case, you love smacking people upside the head with your kooky slash disgusting love of your coochie, and you delight in informing people about your body and are obviously not my friend.

So, next time you're looking for a way to play up your girlyness, try a lacy cardigan, a Mary Jane shoe perhaps. I don't want to see your delicates hanging from your earlobes.

Okay... obviously not safe for work, or children, or husbands or anyone that could possibly be in the room with you, but I give you Etsy's premiere seller of jewelry that makes me want to avert my eyes and dip my entire body in Lysol Disinfecting Spray.

Also, because I couldn't help posting just one picture, I give you....


The uterus pillow.

Nothing comforts me more than reverting back to the soft warmth I felt in the womb. How do you explain that to people at your dinner party? "What, that? Oh, it's just my uterus pillow. UTERUS PILLOW. As in ovaries, fallopian tubes, etc? Who's up for some deviled eggs?"

Although, I do like the idea of a big fluffy uterus pillow at the OB's office. "K, recline, place your feet in the stirrups and your head on the smiling uterus there. Atta girl."

Moral of the story: Hey! Kooky crafty vag lovers! Fashion is a sacred thing. Leave it alone and stick to fertility vases.

PS A whole post on genitalia and I didn't ONCE have to use the real name. YESSSS. Score two points for me and the issues that my children will have as adults. Woop! Woop!

In the Year 2000....

This should really be a freaky Friday post, because it is so awesomely bad, but I have something else cooking for that. So today, you get to make fun of me!

I was going through some things the other day. When my hubby built me the new closet where dreams come true, he also chucked a bunch of old, sentimental stuff that had been holing up in the shelf above the closet at me to clean up. Among this stuff were my old journals.

K, can I first say, how EMBARRASSING are old journals? I don't know WHY we are urged to keep them. For posterity? If my grandchildren ever get ahold of them, all they'll know about me was that I was extremely awkward, hated my brothers, loved every boy that ever walked the earth and couldn't decide whether I liked or disliked my friends. They're going to be like "OMG, Grandma Jae was such a LOSER." And I kind of was, so it would be true. I would so like to go back to the year 2000, when I was in grade ten and thought it was fun to look "quirky" and be all like "Oh, honey no. No one likes your orange cargo pants."

The weirdest thing that I did in my journal in the year 2000 was write down everything that I would wear in a given week. Growing up, I didn't have a lot of money to spend on clothes, so I strategically planned my outfits so that they always looked new and it didn't look like I was wearing the same pair of pants over and over again. Because I really was.

Let's take a look-see at a couple entries.

March, 2000:
-Khaki overalls (shudder) with green turtleneck. Hair in a half up ponytail with bangs parted to the side.
-White cargo pants, green plaid button up (Ugh, this was such a mom shirt, why did I ever wear it?) Hair down.
-Jeans with dragon shirt (This dragon shirt was EPIC. It was black with an embroidered Chinese dragon. Why would I wear something this? Ever. The worst part? One of my friends had the same one and we would coordinate days.)
-Jeans, orange FLANNEL shirt (just kill me) Hair in pigtails omg.
-Yellow vinyl pants (I am not kidding) blue elephant shirt (WTH???)

Anyways, there's a little snippet. I was reading these and laughing my head off over what I thought was cool back in the day. Like those yellow pants were my pride and joy. PRIDE AND JOY.

Anyway, I also dug out some pictures of me from ten years ago! TEN! So embarrassing.


Here's me with a group of friends before a big dance. I'm in the white dress. The dance was in December, so I'd obviously not learned that a white dress in December was a faux pas. Also, that dress started WW3 around my house with my mom. I had to do the old switcheroo and leave wearing something else, then sneak it over to my friend's place to change into it. REBELLLLLL!


WHY am I wearing matching VEST and set of PANTS? The worst part is that I think I wore this for class pictures. I am preserved in a yearbook somewhere in this exact, hideous outfit.


With my best friends. I went through a Blossom-like phase where I wore large hats all of the time. This yellow one was the height of fashion.


This was through my faintly suggestive baby t-shirt phase. Cherries? Really? Also, clearly before I discovered eyebrow waxing, to be sure. How did I have friends???


And thus begins the bandanna phase. I wore bandannas. Everyday. Haven't we talked about doing things in excess before? WHO IS THIS PERSON?


Helllloooo high waisted jeans!!! I love that mom jeans look I had going at age 15.


The infamous yellow vinyl pants. These were my pride and joy. True story, I found them at an outlet store in the city, and they only had a size 11. In high school I was a size 3. I still wore them.

So, clearly, there was a time when my ideas of fashion left much to be desired. Ten years ago I liked strange things that no one else had. Today, I know that looking unique doesn't mean you need to dress like a psychopath.

Alright, now that I've sacrificed myself on the altar of dignity, it's your turn. Leave me some good comments about what trends you liked ten years ago that you wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole now (I HAD AN ORANGE FLANNEL SHIRT) If you're really brave, e-mail me a throwback pic and I'll post 'em on another "In the Year 2000" post.

I'm going to go wash my eyes now.

Freaky Friday: Bad Boots

There are so many cute boots out there, and then there are bad, bad boots, which should return to the deepest depths of the fiery lake of Satan and never return.

Am I being dramatic? You be the judge.



"WHAT HAVE YOU DON TO POCAHANTAS!?" The worst part? Someone gave these a five star review. Really? What were your criteria? Fringiness and stereotype?



Why these are still on the market, I'll never know. They look like the blow up shoes that I made my dog wear when I dressed her up as Jack Sparrow for Halloween. DON'T JUDGE ME! I just like dogs in clothes!


The shoe boot? This pair is having an identity crisis.


These boots make me feel all sorts of dirty and wrong. Like, I know they're just legs, but doesn't it make you feel like a dirty peeping Tom?



K, so explain this one to me. WHY wear boots if the toe is open? Doesn't that negate the entire purpose of wearing boots. Not to mention, are you the Jolly Green Giant's wife? What's with the color??



Hahaha. Gameboy shoes! Hey, I love my Nintendo DS as much as the next closet nerd, but I don't understand how you can play it if it's on your foot. Also, it makes you look like you're going to do a quickdraw Super Mario Brothers shootout.


So shiny... and confusing... The worst is these are from of one of my favorite stores, which saddens me. Why do they want customers to dress like a disco ball? And KNEE HIGH? K, I can't even look at them. There are so many things wrong.



OH! What have we here??? The "Lady" who is "Gaga" for CRAPTASTIC FASHION? I'm not going to name names, but omg why does she torment me so?

PS: PUT SOME PANTS ON. I AM TIRED OF LOOKING AT YOUR SCARY 80s FITNESS VIDEO CROTCH.

Shoes for GLOBAL WARMING!

So how cute does Jenna look? I have those same tights, so I'm partial.

Did you guys miss me? How were your holidays? Please tell me you got some awesome glammy presents for husbands and kids who know you don't want pot holders?

So I was watching the Today Show this morning, which I do every morning because I have an inexplicable love for Matt Lauer. Anyone who can STAND not punching Tom Cruise right in the mouth when being called "glib" is a-ok in my book. Anyway, the big news story this morning was the freakish cold snap that has hit the entire U.S. of A. I had to chuckle. I'm not one of those people who thinks the world will end in a fiery inferno, especially after that admission that the research on global warming wasn't THAT bad. Don't get me wrong, I believe in caring for our planet and using reusable shopping bags, but just out of social responsibility.

Anyhoo, I was thinking about our dear friends in the South, who are probably scrambling right now to find winter shoes to deal with the snow that they had no idea would affect them this winter. Here in Utah it's a balmy 35, so I'm not minding it. I'm from Canada, remember? We are all born with an extra layer of skin or something. Yesterday morning though, I walked outside and prayed for the sweet release of global warming. Because it was the kind of cold that makes your bones shiver.

The right shoes are SO important in the winter and snow. First, you have to deal with slipping and sliding on the ice. Second, the snow spilling into your cute flats. Third, you don't want to wear scary moon boots and look like you're heading on an expedition of Mount Everest.

So here are some of the best shoes that I've found for the global warming emergency we are facing right now.

I'll start off by bragging about my husband for a second. He got me the Frye Harness boots for Christmas. I cried when I got them. This is how much I love these boots. I've wanted them for like two years. That should say something, because they still haven't gone out of style. They are awesome in the snow and cold and I've worn them nonstop since I got them. Look how pretty!

I'm considering naming them. Is that weird?

Anyhow, the best case for these as snow boots is that they are virtually indestructible. Any snow or ice on them only serves to make them more comfortable and worn in. Love.

K, so I will admit that the price tag on the Frye's is more than I would usually spend on a shoe. Which would be why my husband had to buy them. But, if you want the look for less, American Eagle does a pretty darn good job of a look alike for around $40.


Love these. And they'll still function well in the cold and look cute with jeans.

But there are other riding boots I love for the winter too. Look for something flat, with a bit of a grip on the sole, so that you don't look like an idiot slipping around in totally nonfunctional winter boots.



(F21)



Ugh, love this color so much! (Nine West)

If you're dealing with snow and cold that is like, MAJOR (I'm lookin' at you, Wisconsin) a real, super warm winter boot doesn't have to be hideous. Check out these from Loris that are totally acceptable.



And, if you're weird about wearing boots over jeans or don't have appropriately skinny jeans to tuck (we've talked about this; skinny jeans to tuck only. Otherwise you'll look like a weird pirate) try an ankle height boot that will still keep you out of the snow, but you can wear under jeans.


(Payless)



(Aldo) These are seriously adorable. The buckles peeking out from under some jeans? Love.

I also want to note that all of these boots are under $50, for you Southerners who don't want to spend serious cash on boots you might not ever wear again. You know, with global warming and whatnot.

Finally, you can always try something like this, if your best friend is Harry, and you've just found a briefcase full of money in Aspen, CO and are trying to seduce a woman named Mary who's husband is being held for ransom.



............anyone?

Maternity Monday: Winter Wedding

So sorry for the hiatus, guys! Between buying a house, becoming enormously pregnant and eating my weight in holiday goodies, I've been so busy. Blogging has kind of taken a back seat.

But alas, I am back.

Last week, my little sis took the plunge and got hitched. Yay! But, I admit I was a little stressed about my hugely pregnant self being in all those wedding pictures. And furthermore, I didn't want to be "the pregnant sister who wore her only denim skirt, Coleman tent top and Birks" to the wedding. No. I wanted to be "the pregnant sister who looked smokin'." So, I knew I had to put a totally bangin' outfit together and then, I'd feel awesome about myself the entire day. And folks, that is precisely what I did.

Behold:

(click to enlarge)

Headband: Icing, $5.99
Rosette flower clip: boutique, $8.00
Pearls: Forever 21, $3.80
3/4 Sleeve Dress: Motherhood Maternity, $29.98
Patterned tights: Wet Seal, $7.50
My favorite black Mary Janes in the world: Payless (American Eagle), $22.99 (Disclaimer --I got them last season so I'm not sure if they're still around. But they are the most comfortable AND cute heeled Mary Jane shoe ever. My feet didn't hurt until about 10 pm!)

See? It IS possible to look cute for a wedding while pregnant, AND to be comfortable.

Hope you all had a wonderful holiday!

Glammy Gifts on the Cheap

With Christmas being a lot tighter this year for most people, you might not have as much cash as you want to spend on your friends and fam. Plus, you've always got those random people that you can never figure out what to buy for... your mom, sis, best friend, whatever.

Likewise, if your husband sucks as bad as mine does when it comes to buying Christmas presents (they are always good, but he is totally one of those sad guys running around at 11pm on Christmas Eve), giving him a few ideas of things you'd like can give him a hand so that you can actually spend Christmas Eve TOGETHER.

So, with that in mind, I think some good suggestion for cheap gift ideas are in order. I'd tell you to look in your latest Cosmo for ideas, but don't you hate when they are like hey! It's a steal! And it's really like, $150? SO DEPRESSING.

But, you CAN find some glam gifts for your friends, or to give to your husband to give to you and act surprised for under $20. Observe!



Arden B. Bib style necklace - $18



So I love a flower brooch, sue me. Anthropologie - $18



Hooray for crazy cool tights! F21 - $5



Perfect sparkly topper: Styles For Less: $15. I might be buying this because I love it so deeply.

Who wouldn't want an awesome red snakeskin clutch? Seriously! F21 - $15



I am obsessed with vintage-looking hair clips right now. This one is cute without being crazy and weird. Wet Seal - $4



Take that, chilly night! I shall be warm AND look stylish. Booyah. Delias - $20


Awesome. Ring. Miss Selfridge: $16



These shoes rock my world. Might not be the best for winter, but who wouldn't love to open SHOES on Christmas morning? Especially sequined ZEBRA shoes. F21 - $11



These earrings look rich, but don't break your poor little Christmas bank account. American Eagle - $12

So repeat after me. Gifts do not have to be expensive to be fashionable. And fashionable items are the gifts that keep on giving. Because first, you give them and feel good. Then the recipient gets them and is happy. Then she wears them, and the world is a more beautiful place. Soon enough, peace on earth. See how that happens?

OMG I think I just solved all of the world's problems! Moral of the story? Fancy cheap gifts = world peace. Hooray!

Ask Jae: Pencil Skirts

I got an e-mail this week from Joy, who had bought a few pencil skirts (which were ADORABLE by the way) and wanted some outfit ideas.

Let me say that I LOVE pencil skirts. To a ridiculous degree. I think they make anyone's body look pretty insane, and we've talked quite a bit about my love for form-fitting, feminine 40s and 50s fashion. Pencil skirts are so awesomely versatile, and one good pencil skirt can see a lot of use.

Can we also talk about the fit of a pencil skirt? Remember that a pencil skirt is cut slim throughout and is meant to sit above your natural waistline, usually just above the belly button. That might seem weird if you're more used to low slung skirts, but that is the beauty of the pencil skirt.

For Joy, here are some outfit ideas for different circumstances. I want to buy them all. The skirt that I am using for reference is a stacked pencil skirt from Arden B.


For a party:




I love the idea of this blous-y (I hate the word blouse) top with a lacy bolero over top. It's so girly and festive with the bow. The top is from Arden B. as well, and the shrug is from Oasis.


YAY Pencil skirt!


Awesome shoes from Go Jane to brighten up the whole outfit.


And some super girly earrings from Nordstrom. Love these.

All together, you have a hot party or date night look with a serious pencil skirt as the anchor.





For church or semi-casual wedding.


Red satin will always look good with a pencil skirt. I feel like it's noticeable without being too ostentatious. This one is from Debenhams, a great little British shop that ships over the pond. My little brother lived in Manchester for two years, so I am prone to loving British fashion. Don't be afraid to pit a looser top with a slim pencil skirt. The proportions are just right. The only thing you need to worry about really is shirt length. I like to keep shirts on the shorter size with a pencil skirt; it emphasizes a nice, lean and long leg.


Here she is again, the same pencil skirt in a completely different outfit.

These shoes from F21 own my heart with their cuteness. My sister in law has them in red and they are so adorable in person.



And a simple layered necklace, and you are allll set! This one is from Miss Selfridge.



For work:

Pencil skirts are so work appropriate because of their length, but you need to dress them down a little to taper off the va-voom Jessica Rabbit factor.



Try doing it with a fitted cardigan. Love the color on this F21 one.


And a ruched shirt that can be tucked in and will hide any little flaws. This one could also be belted. A little gray belt would be awesome. This one is from Charlotte Russe.



Why, hello pencil skirt! Nice to see you again!


K, so your shoes can be a little naughty secretary, but that's it! ModCloth.


And pin on a little flower for a low key accessory, and you've pretty much got it.

If you don't have a pencil skirt, get one!! I love scouring Polyvore.com for all sorts of designers. Just head over there and type in what you're looking for. Buy one for sure. No matter what size you are, I love the way they lock and load you and make your curves look kickin'.