Freaky Friday

I took my 8-year-old shopping yesterday with her BFF for back to school. I told her to get dressed and when she came out, she was wearing a fedora, a pair of aviator sunglasses, a summer scarf and a purse. 

I told her she needed to look in the mirror and remove one accessory because I'm about those life skills.

Today is an old friend day: I'm hanging out with one friend that I've had since childhood (and happens to live in Utah and saves my sanity because her mom makes me roti when I ask) and some couple friends that my husband and I used to be basically attached to in our young and carefree newlywed days. Old friends are the best. 

But in order to do these things, I will need a shower and makeup. All in good time, because first it's Freaky Friday.  

Allison sent me this flesh-colored, pleather pleated skirt for hip grandmas everywhere. You could also use it as lame person camouflage. Just some ideas. 

Jenifer sent over this dress. And, since I don't like to judge (ahahahahahaha) I'm going to assume this woman is very focused and doesn't crave Cheetos ever. 

I mean, are we sure this is "paint?" 

(Thanks, Emilee!) 

Cari sent this glorious specimen, which is ideal for when your lips are cold, your arms are hot, and you want to look like a homemade potholder. 

Annie took this snap to prove that yes, ABC Family is now designing clothes, which probably means Melissa Joan Hart had something to do with it, and they stop every five minutes for a 20-minute break.

Only people with children understand the agony of commercials during a movie where your kids are actually interested. I hate ABC Family with the fire of a thousand suns. 

Hey, I like a strong shoulder, but I stray from anything that could be described as "shelf-like."

I'm in the middle of a historical novel right now (historical fiction lovers, I'm working through the Edward Rutherfurd books and am on "London" after just finishing "Paris" -- SO GOOD).

There was an entire section devoted to how chain mail was constructed, so I feel like I was destined to find this suit of armor this morning. 

These shoes look like they were made from Starburst wrappers. I tried to find an example but I just found these:

So I'll just skip my plans for the day and jump off a bridge instead. 

Okay, off to the shower and makeup table I go. The other thing about old friends: They remember what you looked like when you were young and skinny and fresh. 

Freaky Friday

I had to go and register my kids for school yesterday and now I'm dreaming of a marathon Back to School shopping trip with my daughter (thank goodness I have one because seriously). Where do you guys do most of your B2S clothes shopping? I'm planning on checking out H&M and F21 for leggings and pants and then I usually do jeans from Old Navy and Gap because my 8 year old still needs an adjustable waist. Poor thing is shaped just like me: Her legs start like, directly beneath her armpits so it's impossible to find pants that fit.

My son doesn't care what I buy him. He has three shirts with pictures of sharks and just rotates through them. I'm hoping to find two more shark shirts so he doesn't try and wear the same one to school twice each week.

Anyway, I'm interested in where everyone else goes! But for now, lets get our freak on (ugh that was such an annoying thing to say).

 Kimberly sent these along. I've featured bones leggings before, by my favorite part was that these were called "empire waist." How can pants be empire waist? Explain this to me. Please.

And here we have some shoes that were made by blind orphans in...

...what's that? They were made by a seeing adult?

Well, this is awkward.

 This came from a J.Crew ad (obviously) and I was like hey, I know everyone worships J.Crew and all, but what is this look called exactly? 

Hippyfoot Business Lady Sailor? 

Sort yourself out, J.Crew.

 Corinna found this... garment.... in an in-flight magazine. The best part is that you can wear it any way your psychiatric hospital will allow you, as seen here. 

AT LEAST designers are getting smarter and putting zippers in the backs of these monstrosities. I mean, you'll still look like a demented Rainbow Brite, but at least you'll be able to get out of them quickly when you realize it. 

 Stephanie sent me a sweater that looks like a Muppet made sweet love to that old rug your Grandma won't give away. 

 Just in case you're hoping to live out your fantasies of being a formal jellyfish. 

 So Leigh emailed me and APPARENTLY, grown women in the South are wearing these pants and they are status symbols somehow? 

Can I just voice my opinion now? I hate any trend that "little girlifies" women. I also hate ribbon embellishments, excessive usage of bows and when grown women wear Saltwaters. Anytime I see women dressing in twee clothes, it makes them look like chubby, tantrum-throwing toddlers. So these ruffle pants are an abomination to me. 

I just picture a crazy stage mom who is like "Oh, my and my little Paisley are more like SISTERS than mother and daughter, right Payz?"

Cue Paisley emancipating herself from her deranged mother. 

And speaking of twee shoes for grown women:

I hope you like bananas to be this devoted to Chiquita. 

OK, yes. Back to school shopping and dreaming about what it will be like when both kids are in school and I have three glorious hours to myself each morning.  

Who am I kidding: I'll watch the Today show and think about working out until I hear the bus rumble up the street. 

Freaky Friday

 First off, thank you for all of your awesome responses yesterday. I seriously hit the post button and then cowered like someone was going to hit me because I was waiting for the "HOW DARE YOU" and instead I got mucho love. Seriously. Love you guys.

We are headed off on an adventure, but I couldn't have a family adventure until I got all the snark out of my system. Otherwise I get sarcastic toward my 8-year-old and it's not pretty.

Alex sent me these boot/heel/dalmation? hybrids, pointing out that they're described as "refined." Yes. Because when I think "refined," my mind goes to Forever 21 and racks of neon crop tops. 

 OK, so this shirt is pretty ugly. But the best part is that the peacock feathers all look like Pigeon from Mo Willems' book series. (Our family is like, pigeon groupies)

Aaaaand now you can't unsee it. 

 It's like Marky Mark had a love affair with an eclectic older lady. 

 What is this? A burlap Tinkerbell costume?

 The pants are bad enough. Pairing them with turtleneck llama shoes? Terrible. 

 What live grown woman has cause to wear these circus pants? Like, I dare you to think of a time and place that these are appropriate. 

"Ma'am, the OB/GYN will see you now. Here, take your pants off and drape yourself with this gown. Oh, nevermind. I see you brought your own."

 This was listed as a DIY to dress up your shoes. But also to make you look like a psychopath who scalps a blonde and then taunts police with impeccable fashion. I smell a Law & Order: SVU episode. 

Well, I should have been packing a bag like, 30 minutes ago. Time to frantically throw everything at my suitcase and hope for the best. Happy weekend everyone! 

Freaky Friday

 Like, I don't want to jinx my life or anything, but I had a really good week. Just super laid-back and simple and I got a tan and read my books and yesterday I fell asleep on my porch with my mouth open while my kids played on the Slip and Slide. Like YES this is summer.

Next week we've planned a little "staycation" (ugh that word is up there with "fashionista" for annoyance) at the resort that I stayed at 12 years ago when I was visiting Utah and my husband asked me on our first date. It seems kind of funny that we're heading back there with two kids in tow with 11 years of marriage on the books. I plan to repeatedly give the employees there the thumbs up and congratulate them on a job well done.

There might be some suggestive eyebrows too.

But for now, there is house cleaning and folding laundry because life.

For the smooth price of like $200, you too can look like you accidentally fell into a time machine and don't know how computers work. 

 This skirt looks like a Muppet. And I actually really enjoy Muppets. Should I buy it?

 The logistics of this shoe baffle me. Like, isn't the whole point of flip flops the fact that you can keep them by the door and slip them on without having to stuff your leg into a tube sock add-on?

 The other day I was in a department store that shall remain unnamed and the regional manager or something was there. She was probably like, 55, and touring the store with a whole entourage and she stopped at a fringe vest and was like "Oh, I like this display." And one of her entourage, who was also in her 50s piped up about how "the kids" like to wear these vests to festivals, like the one "I think is called Bonaroo."

So let it be known, weird hippy teen festival-goers: Your fashion is being chosen by some middle-aged women in Utah. NOT SO COOL AFTER ALL, HUH?

 When I saw this shirt, I immediately started itching my neck. Now it's all red. 

 I can't look at this and NOT see boob sunglasses. 

 This looks like Lady Gaga's interpretation of a sexy doctor. 

I can see it as the opening for her next music video: 

"I'm sorry to tell you that you have a serious case of funk, so I'm prescribing you some soul."

"Also, you have herpes."

Sometimes I see fashion and I'm just like "Mmmmokay good luck with that." Like yeah, good luck with your giant short-sleeve puffy rosette coat. Good luck finding somewhere to wear that and someone to admit they know you. No, really. Good luck. 

Welp, my house hasn't been vacuumed in like, three weeks so I'd better get on that. Hope your Friday is more glamorous than mine! 

Freaky Friday

Happy 4th, everyone! Don't worry, I'm not blaspheming and writing this on a holiday. It's scheduled. I'm stealthy like that. I'm probably off boating, which makes me very excited because I just downloaded a behemoth of a book on my Kindle and we are going to have some super special alone time while my husband and kids try to fish. 

Because you know, America. 

Before you head out to your BBQ, however, you might want to be sure you're not wearing any of these. 

 Julie sent me these creepy flesh-colored bootie wedges, which are made infinitely creepier by the addition of decapitated Barbie heads. Why? We may never know. 

 I just want to go on the record and say that Teenage Jae would be ALL OVER this sweater. It would go with my bucket hat, cargo overalls and chunky boots. 

 Meleah sent over these pants which were actually described as bloomers, so there's that. Like, hey what pretend fairy party are you wearing those to, dementia patient? 

 Speaking of fairy parties, she also sent over these pants, which feature a loincloth and remind me of the movie Epic, which was terrible but still made me cry a little. 

Also, Beyonce in that movie was too hilarious. The whole thing was like "Hey sistafriend babychild, I'm the queen of the forest." 

 Gillian sent this dress. This most disturbing part? It's called the "Your Fault" dress. 

YOUR. FAULT.

Just marinade on that for a while. 

 I hate high low skirts in the best of times, but even more so when they make you look like a pumpkin. 

 Quite possibly the most awkward maxi dress ever. Too short, weird pattern and childlike bottomflounce? We have you covered, friend. 

 Suddenly I want to get physical. 

Another Julie (but not the first Julie) sent me these from the Canadian Shopping Channel. So if you're visiting Canada soon, remember things you need to do in this order:
1) Eat poutine (I'm partial to Harvey's)

2) By peach acid wash elasticized pants. 

How did I end up talking about Canada on Independence Day? Ugh, I'm the worst. Anyway, have a great holiday, and freely eat large quantities of potato salad. I feel like that's what your forefathers would have wanted. 

Freaky Friday

 There must have been something in the water, because three readers sent me weird Lycra creations screened with body parts. There's a sentence you don't say twice.

Sarah sent this to me, which says "I may look sexy, but I'm also making poop right now." 

 Lindsay sent me this one, which would come in handy if you wanted an instant six pack. 

And also to be followed around by Hannibal Lector. 

 Cari sent me this and was like "Check out that thigh gap!" I'm sensing a new trend this season: Femur gap. So hot right now. 

 What may be the ugliest purse that 100 percent looks like it was hocked up by my parent's cat, Mo. She's scared of everything and lives in the basement and only comes out once a day to eat and glare at you like you're going to sexually harass her before retreating back to the storage room. 

 Y'know, for your side job as a party clown. 

 For some reason, this shirt reminds me of this. 

 How. HOW. Can harem pants be getting uglier over time? This is not OK. That isn't a drop crotch. It's a drop shin. 

Hey sassy scarecrow, whatcha doin'? Standing sassily even though you look like a cat toy? That's cool. 

You guys, I wasn't feeling all that great so I stayed home in my pajamas and watching like, seven episodes of Drop Dead Diva. I feel bad for my children so I have to go take them somewhere fun today, le sigh. And by somewhere fun, I obviously mean somewhere they can have fun while I pursue a relationship with my Kindle. It's meaningful.

Happy weekend, friends!