Freaky Friday: Winter Clearance

Did I tell you guys what happened to me a week or two ago? So, I was heading out on my usual Friday shopping excursion when my in laws called to see if they could take the kids for the afternoon, since they hadn't seen them in a while. Of course, I obliged. We were already ready to go so it was a quick deposit. THEN I went and had lunch with my adorable husband. AND THEN!! When I got to the mall, I found out they were having a sidewalk sale. I think there was a beam of light shining down on me and the angel's chorus was singing, because I had to have been living righteously for all those stars to align.

But oh, winter clearance. How you delight me and pain me at the same time. Perfect time to get new sweaters (I bought a TON of those comfy drapey ones and they make me SO happy) but such a bad, bad time for getting rid of kookoo merchandise that no one would ever wear. Like these:


K, so apparently this Twilight line didn't sell very well because EVERY piece was on 50% off. What I don't get is this: I kind of understand the "Team Whatever" shirts, but this makes no sense. No one will even get the shirt, and you just look like a weirdo. Slash, if you are a mom, you'll also look like a pedophile. I like Twilight as much as the next girl, but the other day I watched it on Starz at home for the first time, and without all the screaming girls and buttery popcorn, it's a stupid movie. For more fun, check out this article here on the Oatmeal. Also, check out "Why Printers Were Sent from Hell" and "Good Reasons to Punch a Dolphin in the Mouth". LOVE.



Um... okay... Fur vests were quite popular during the winter. But ballsy, capey ones? They are a cool 40% off because no one likes them and thinks you're douchey for wearing them.



*Taps model on the shoulder* "Um, miss? I don't want to alarm you, but.... *glances around awkwardly* You have a zebra chewing on your breast."



Does this not remind you of bad maternity clothes i nthe early 90s? Like everything was huge and swingy and had like, a sailor collar? AWFUL. The worst part about this one is that it's 30% off and still is over $100.



On the bright side (PUN VERY MUCH INTENDED) you can also help to direct traffic.


Why do these scary leggings have drapery tassels on the bottom? If I saw someone wearing these I would be so tempted to step on them to see if I could make her trip. I'll be honest; I'm not a nice person.



OMGGGGG can I explain my hatred for these AWFUL headbands? Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE around here owns one. And I have yet to see someone NOT look homeless while wearing one. What's with the giantness of it? It looks like a regular hat with the top cut off. JUST WEAR A HAT. Okay, you know what? I am getting too heated. I must step away from the picture and go look at my shoes or something. Just letting you know, these are very much on winter clearance. Because they are horrible.

Shape Up or Ship Out

Deep breath.

Today, I am going to talk to you about something that usually moms don't want to talk about. They'd like to seem effortlessly skinny after having babies, like everyone in Hollywood. "I don't even work out!" they say. The weight just falls off, right?

Um, that would be WRONG. Thanks again, Angelina Jolie for perpetuating that awesome lie that makes regular people all over the world feel dumpy after having a baby. I do, however, nurture a serious girl crish on Jennifer Garner, for the sole reason that when asked how she got rid of the baby weight said "I had to get my biscuit on the treadmill like EVERYONE ELSE." Love you, JenGar. Let's hang out.

Anyway, want to know the real reason your fave celebs look so good after popping out quintuplets or whatever they're doing nowadays? SHAPEWEAR. Yeah. You heard me right. They are all wearing Spanx. No matter how hard they try to act like they were just born into the bodies of goddesses, they have shapewear on under those Oscar gowns. Do you know how I know that?

No belly button. Even the skinniest person will show a belly button indentation when wearing tight clothes. Celebs never have that. Because they are wearing their tighties underneath.

Luckily, shapewear is available for mere mortals to purchase, and it can give you a much need silhouette boost in certain outfits.

I'll admit it. I am pretty small framed and generally like my body. But I own one brown jersey dress that I will absolutely not wear without a shapewear cami underneath. IT CLINGS. I feel naked and lumpy and ribby without it. I think most women feel ashamed when they have to wear shapewear or feel like it's cheating. The truth is, some clothes just won't look good without it. And honestly, it is awesome in the first three months after having a baby.

Usually you think of shapewear and think of scary girdle type dealies that are admittedly terrifying, and they are UNCOMFORTABLE. They slip down and make you look sausagey and make you look exactly how you DON'T want to.

Luckily, new school shapewear is AH-MAZ-ING. Half of it doesn't even look like anything, and the other half is comfier and waaay more discreet.

Let's get it out there. I don't like one piece bicycle short shapewear that goes from like, your knees to your shoulders. It is a pet peeve of mine to see a lady moving around and catch glimpses of the scary nude fabric that is indicative of shapewear. Plus, your poor husbands will never get you out of it. Anyone remember that scene from Bridget Jones' Diary? Scarred me for life.

Choose your shapewear according to application and trouble spot. For instance, me. When I want to wear my very clingy jersey dress that I love, I know that I'm going to have a problem area in my tummy. Cami solves it and voila, perfect, belly button-less outfit.

Take a look at these sweet options when it comes to your dirty-little-secret shapewear.


The tube (Blissworld). This is awesome if you just want to slim your tummy under more casual wear. Good for everyday use, they'll have sticky undersides so you don't have to worry about slippage.


I love this for under a dress (Asos). Besides the fact that it slims all over, it doesn't look scary or frumpy. It'll smooth out the VPL or VBL so that you look pretty darn flawless. Anyone would just assume it's an adorable little slip. This is ideal for little wrap dresses.



Hello, lover! A slimming cami (by Spanx) is faaantastic for going under just about anything, and if you don't love layers it just looks like a regular cami and you look ridiculously tiny. I wear one under my clingy dress and it just looks like a regular layering cami. You can even make vapid remarks about how the weight just fell off and that you're lucky you have good genes.


Do double duty with pretty patterned tights (Spanx) that make your butt and legs look crazy out of this world. I was wearing something like this soon after I had my daughter, and my best friend of 20 years was like "OMG your butt looks good." In case you were wondering , yes, we do often make mildly uncomfortable remarks to each other about our general good-lookingness. Some things will never change. But the point is, tightie tights were the reason. And they are totally ADORABLE too, right?


If you're looking for the Jessica Rabbit body in your pencil skirt, pick a slimming slip like this one, also from Spanx (omg their line is incredible. Really, you must check out all the cool stuff they have.) Anyway, these will smooth out bumps and give you a crazy awesome hourglass figure that is completely enviable.

Alright, so now I've outed myself. I don't have a perfect body. Why? Because I had one kid, and then barely got my old body back before getting pregnant with twins and spending six weeks on bed rest. I don't think it will ever return to it's former glory. (Oh 17 year old me, WHY, WHY did you not appreciate your hotness more?) Instead, I have to respect it for doing it's thing, and work with what I've got. Dress the body you have NOW. It's totally fine to give it a nudge in the right direction. I promise, for once, I will not judge.

Freaky Friday

Sorry for the late post, my friend. My schedule was all thrown off kilter this morning. And then I went shopping and bought my 81st pair of shoes. And then my husband met me for lunch and nearly murdered me in the food court. But I'm home now! And as always, on the look out for bad mom fashion.



These were listed as DENIM CAPRI CASUAL HAREM PANTS. Like, how many things are there wrong with that sentence. Besides being the ugliest capri pants ever made, they poof at the bottom. The description also said they were all the rage when it came to the harem trend. No no no no. Harem is not a trend. It is a group of concubines. Who would not be caught dead in those pants.


Apparently SOMEONE didn't read my entry about boots because there were the best seller on my secret, always know I can find bad fashion website. What? WHY? Who is buying these??



...and it's the woman that never ends. It's like she actually wanted an extra five inches on her waist. "Oh, it's just too darn small."



Have I ever told you how much I dislike unattractive people who dress up as witches, belly dancers or medieval characters on a daily basis. Doesn't this shirt just smack of weirdo, with the bell sleeves and the weird green? Ugh, I hate weirdos.




Hey, I love patterned tights as much as the next girl. But not if they make you look like you work at Hot Dog on a Stick. Or "Candy" the prostitute with a heart of gold.



Really? Strapless AND sequins AND the color of baby poo? All mothers will know that this color brings back horrible, horrible memories of the rotovirus bout in '08.




Haha. Why are women still doing this to their bodies. Why yes, I would like to seem like I have unnaturally large shoulders and very high pants, thank you!



K, so does anyone know what this is? It would be a wallet. For your BRA. So you can stuff money and credit cards down the front of your shirt. Yes, I can see where it would be helpful while traveling, but every time you go to pull out money, wouldn't you feel just the slightest bit like a stripper? Be honest.

Also, ten points to whoever can think of the best name for it. I'm thinking RackCatcher. Yes?

Jae Tests the Trend: The Boyfriend Blazer

(My inspiration - TopShop)

If you're like me, you sit in your bubble bath nightly with a glass of lemon water and peruse through your fashion magazines. Oh, what's that? You're not like me and don't do that ever? Well, you should try it. It's great.

While I look through my mags, which are in order of faves Glamour, Elle, Redbook, Jane, InStyle and occasionally Cosmo when my stomach isn't turning over their gross articles, (But never Vogue; the advertisements molest my eyes.) I see trends and think "Hey, I like that! I wonder if I could pull it off." Pulling it off is a delicate balance of confidence, body type and personal style, and so more often than not I will go shopping with the notion of a trend I want to try, to see if I actually can pull it off.

Last Friday, after looking at pictures of the new "boyfriend" style blazer; one that is longer, more oversized, tailored and casual than your usual blazer, I decided to go shopping for one. I brought along the Blackberry so I could snap pictures of the good, the bad and the ugly of my trying on clothes. (Can I point out that it makes a snapping noise when I take a picture, and I couldn't figure out how to turn it off, so EVERYONE in the dressing room could hear me? So embarrassing. They probably thought I was taking nakey pics to send to my skeezy teenage boyfriend)

This is me, providing a valuable service to you. I learned what works on a boyfriend blazer, and what so, so does not. And you get to see pictures of me looking bad in a blazer in the dressing room at Nordstrom. YOU'RE WELCOME.


This was the first one I tried on. While I didn't MIND it, I didn't love it. The first problem was that it didn't have a button, which left it hanging open all of the time and meant no locking and loading effect for a better body shape. The other thing I wasn't so sure about was the ruched sleeves. They were meant to be pushed up to the elbows but I have raptor-like arms and they just ended up looking too short. I did love the color and the fabric was awesome and very mensweary. I was very undecided - hence the "undecided" face.



The second was so, so very bad. The first thing I realized is that boyfriend blazers are cut VERY generously. While they are supposed to be more loose, I was positively swimming in this one, and it was a small. The next thing I learned was that too long is bad when when you are only 5'4". I look like I'm wearing my daddy's jacket. The last thing I learned, as references by the picture, is that rolled up sleeves make me look like Jerry Seinfeld. "What's up with BLAZERS?" Very sad.



Finally! I found a good fit. What works about this blazer over the other two? Mostly the length. It stops at the hip, so it's not cutting my body in half unnaturally across my thighs. The sleeves are a much better fit, even for someone as short armed as me. AND it featured a button, which tightens up the midsection and makes me happy. If you must know, I bought this one and left the other two hanging out in the dressing room. THUMBS UP!

PS if you're wondering why you can't see my legs in the pics, it's because I was wearing my Fryes and they totally don't go with boyfriend blazers. There's another tip for you.

So, what I learned about my experience and what you can take away from this is:
1) Watch your length. A long boyfriend blazer is great on a leggy model, not so great on a vertically challenged mother of two.
2) Make sure the sleeves fit properly. If you love the blazer anyhow and still want it, you can have them tailored to fit better.
3) Wear flats when trying on blazers. Dirty boots look out of place.

One last lesson though is to not be afraid to try on several different styles of the same trend. If I had only tried on the first blazer, I would have left empty handed (HEAVEN FORBID). That is what dressing rooms are for, ladies. You might look like Seinfeld in one outfit, but get over it, move on and don't be discouraged. Because now my perseverance in the dressing room has paid off and I have a hot new blazer.

If there's another trend you want me to test out, drop me an e-mail. I HAVE NO SHAME!

Freaky Friday: For the OB/GYN Who Has Everything

On a forum I frequent the other day, a friend pointed me toward a growing and DISTURBING trend across the Interwebs lately.

Hoo-ha accessories.

Yeah, no. I will never be one of those people who can use anatomically correct terms in every day conversation. Much like my 16 year old self, they will cause me to giggle like a child. So you get my favorite creative terms for the lady portions of your body.

Anyway, I was all set to post tons of pics of scary chocha jewelry, buttons, EARRINGS, t-shirts and underwear omg and all the rest of it, when I was like, wait a second. My BROTHERS read this blog. And I cannot ever speak to them ever again if I know that they happened across scary va-jay-jay pics on my website. DON'T YOU PUT THAT EVIL ON ME! So I'll give you a little push in the right direction, and whatever you find, you find.

K, so on the topic of ladyparts pendants and such, I get it. I get that you are all "Man, I Feel Like a Woman" and want to roar and vote and all of that business. Hey, you've probably had a baby and really respect what your body can do. But, unless you have an extremely mannish haircut AND unisex name like Alex, most people will know that you are a female simply by looking. If the only way to tell your gender is to flash your ladybits, then you have bigger problems than I can fix here. I don't understand why a nice lip gloss can't do the same thing. Still makes you feel like a lady, and doesn't scare children.

Or me.

Not to mention, do you really want the awkward moment that ensues when a nice old man compliments your "flower necklace" and you have to point out that it's actually an artful sculpture of your business? No. It would be horrifying for both of you. Unless you're one of those weird fertility-esque tree huggers who is all about the prowess of femininity and the goddess of making people feel uncomfortable. In which case, you love smacking people upside the head with your kooky slash disgusting love of your coochie, and you delight in informing people about your body and are obviously not my friend.

So, next time you're looking for a way to play up your girlyness, try a lacy cardigan, a Mary Jane shoe perhaps. I don't want to see your delicates hanging from your earlobes.

Okay... obviously not safe for work, or children, or husbands or anyone that could possibly be in the room with you, but I give you Etsy's premiere seller of jewelry that makes me want to avert my eyes and dip my entire body in Lysol Disinfecting Spray.

Also, because I couldn't help posting just one picture, I give you....


The uterus pillow.

Nothing comforts me more than reverting back to the soft warmth I felt in the womb. How do you explain that to people at your dinner party? "What, that? Oh, it's just my uterus pillow. UTERUS PILLOW. As in ovaries, fallopian tubes, etc? Who's up for some deviled eggs?"

Although, I do like the idea of a big fluffy uterus pillow at the OB's office. "K, recline, place your feet in the stirrups and your head on the smiling uterus there. Atta girl."

Moral of the story: Hey! Kooky crafty vag lovers! Fashion is a sacred thing. Leave it alone and stick to fertility vases.

PS A whole post on genitalia and I didn't ONCE have to use the real name. YESSSS. Score two points for me and the issues that my children will have as adults. Woop! Woop!

In the Year 2000....

This should really be a freaky Friday post, because it is so awesomely bad, but I have something else cooking for that. So today, you get to make fun of me!

I was going through some things the other day. When my hubby built me the new closet where dreams come true, he also chucked a bunch of old, sentimental stuff that had been holing up in the shelf above the closet at me to clean up. Among this stuff were my old journals.

K, can I first say, how EMBARRASSING are old journals? I don't know WHY we are urged to keep them. For posterity? If my grandchildren ever get ahold of them, all they'll know about me was that I was extremely awkward, hated my brothers, loved every boy that ever walked the earth and couldn't decide whether I liked or disliked my friends. They're going to be like "OMG, Grandma Jae was such a LOSER." And I kind of was, so it would be true. I would so like to go back to the year 2000, when I was in grade ten and thought it was fun to look "quirky" and be all like "Oh, honey no. No one likes your orange cargo pants."

The weirdest thing that I did in my journal in the year 2000 was write down everything that I would wear in a given week. Growing up, I didn't have a lot of money to spend on clothes, so I strategically planned my outfits so that they always looked new and it didn't look like I was wearing the same pair of pants over and over again. Because I really was.

Let's take a look-see at a couple entries.

March, 2000:
-Khaki overalls (shudder) with green turtleneck. Hair in a half up ponytail with bangs parted to the side.
-White cargo pants, green plaid button up (Ugh, this was such a mom shirt, why did I ever wear it?) Hair down.
-Jeans with dragon shirt (This dragon shirt was EPIC. It was black with an embroidered Chinese dragon. Why would I wear something this? Ever. The worst part? One of my friends had the same one and we would coordinate days.)
-Jeans, orange FLANNEL shirt (just kill me) Hair in pigtails omg.
-Yellow vinyl pants (I am not kidding) blue elephant shirt (WTH???)

Anyways, there's a little snippet. I was reading these and laughing my head off over what I thought was cool back in the day. Like those yellow pants were my pride and joy. PRIDE AND JOY.

Anyway, I also dug out some pictures of me from ten years ago! TEN! So embarrassing.


Here's me with a group of friends before a big dance. I'm in the white dress. The dance was in December, so I'd obviously not learned that a white dress in December was a faux pas. Also, that dress started WW3 around my house with my mom. I had to do the old switcheroo and leave wearing something else, then sneak it over to my friend's place to change into it. REBELLLLLL!


WHY am I wearing matching VEST and set of PANTS? The worst part is that I think I wore this for class pictures. I am preserved in a yearbook somewhere in this exact, hideous outfit.


With my best friends. I went through a Blossom-like phase where I wore large hats all of the time. This yellow one was the height of fashion.


This was through my faintly suggestive baby t-shirt phase. Cherries? Really? Also, clearly before I discovered eyebrow waxing, to be sure. How did I have friends???


And thus begins the bandanna phase. I wore bandannas. Everyday. Haven't we talked about doing things in excess before? WHO IS THIS PERSON?


Helllloooo high waisted jeans!!! I love that mom jeans look I had going at age 15.


The infamous yellow vinyl pants. These were my pride and joy. True story, I found them at an outlet store in the city, and they only had a size 11. In high school I was a size 3. I still wore them.

So, clearly, there was a time when my ideas of fashion left much to be desired. Ten years ago I liked strange things that no one else had. Today, I know that looking unique doesn't mean you need to dress like a psychopath.

Alright, now that I've sacrificed myself on the altar of dignity, it's your turn. Leave me some good comments about what trends you liked ten years ago that you wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole now (I HAD AN ORANGE FLANNEL SHIRT) If you're really brave, e-mail me a throwback pic and I'll post 'em on another "In the Year 2000" post.

I'm going to go wash my eyes now.

Freaky Friday: Bad Boots

There are so many cute boots out there, and then there are bad, bad boots, which should return to the deepest depths of the fiery lake of Satan and never return.

Am I being dramatic? You be the judge.



"WHAT HAVE YOU DON TO POCAHANTAS!?" The worst part? Someone gave these a five star review. Really? What were your criteria? Fringiness and stereotype?



Why these are still on the market, I'll never know. They look like the blow up shoes that I made my dog wear when I dressed her up as Jack Sparrow for Halloween. DON'T JUDGE ME! I just like dogs in clothes!


The shoe boot? This pair is having an identity crisis.


These boots make me feel all sorts of dirty and wrong. Like, I know they're just legs, but doesn't it make you feel like a dirty peeping Tom?



K, so explain this one to me. WHY wear boots if the toe is open? Doesn't that negate the entire purpose of wearing boots. Not to mention, are you the Jolly Green Giant's wife? What's with the color??



Hahaha. Gameboy shoes! Hey, I love my Nintendo DS as much as the next closet nerd, but I don't understand how you can play it if it's on your foot. Also, it makes you look like you're going to do a quickdraw Super Mario Brothers shootout.


So shiny... and confusing... The worst is these are from of one of my favorite stores, which saddens me. Why do they want customers to dress like a disco ball? And KNEE HIGH? K, I can't even look at them. There are so many things wrong.



OH! What have we here??? The "Lady" who is "Gaga" for CRAPTASTIC FASHION? I'm not going to name names, but omg why does she torment me so?

PS: PUT SOME PANTS ON. I AM TIRED OF LOOKING AT YOUR SCARY 80s FITNESS VIDEO CROTCH.

Shoes for GLOBAL WARMING!

So how cute does Jenna look? I have those same tights, so I'm partial.

Did you guys miss me? How were your holidays? Please tell me you got some awesome glammy presents for husbands and kids who know you don't want pot holders?

So I was watching the Today Show this morning, which I do every morning because I have an inexplicable love for Matt Lauer. Anyone who can STAND not punching Tom Cruise right in the mouth when being called "glib" is a-ok in my book. Anyway, the big news story this morning was the freakish cold snap that has hit the entire U.S. of A. I had to chuckle. I'm not one of those people who thinks the world will end in a fiery inferno, especially after that admission that the research on global warming wasn't THAT bad. Don't get me wrong, I believe in caring for our planet and using reusable shopping bags, but just out of social responsibility.

Anyhoo, I was thinking about our dear friends in the South, who are probably scrambling right now to find winter shoes to deal with the snow that they had no idea would affect them this winter. Here in Utah it's a balmy 35, so I'm not minding it. I'm from Canada, remember? We are all born with an extra layer of skin or something. Yesterday morning though, I walked outside and prayed for the sweet release of global warming. Because it was the kind of cold that makes your bones shiver.

The right shoes are SO important in the winter and snow. First, you have to deal with slipping and sliding on the ice. Second, the snow spilling into your cute flats. Third, you don't want to wear scary moon boots and look like you're heading on an expedition of Mount Everest.

So here are some of the best shoes that I've found for the global warming emergency we are facing right now.

I'll start off by bragging about my husband for a second. He got me the Frye Harness boots for Christmas. I cried when I got them. This is how much I love these boots. I've wanted them for like two years. That should say something, because they still haven't gone out of style. They are awesome in the snow and cold and I've worn them nonstop since I got them. Look how pretty!

I'm considering naming them. Is that weird?

Anyhow, the best case for these as snow boots is that they are virtually indestructible. Any snow or ice on them only serves to make them more comfortable and worn in. Love.

K, so I will admit that the price tag on the Frye's is more than I would usually spend on a shoe. Which would be why my husband had to buy them. But, if you want the look for less, American Eagle does a pretty darn good job of a look alike for around $40.


Love these. And they'll still function well in the cold and look cute with jeans.

But there are other riding boots I love for the winter too. Look for something flat, with a bit of a grip on the sole, so that you don't look like an idiot slipping around in totally nonfunctional winter boots.



(F21)



Ugh, love this color so much! (Nine West)

If you're dealing with snow and cold that is like, MAJOR (I'm lookin' at you, Wisconsin) a real, super warm winter boot doesn't have to be hideous. Check out these from Loris that are totally acceptable.



And, if you're weird about wearing boots over jeans or don't have appropriately skinny jeans to tuck (we've talked about this; skinny jeans to tuck only. Otherwise you'll look like a weird pirate) try an ankle height boot that will still keep you out of the snow, but you can wear under jeans.


(Payless)



(Aldo) These are seriously adorable. The buckles peeking out from under some jeans? Love.

I also want to note that all of these boots are under $50, for you Southerners who don't want to spend serious cash on boots you might not ever wear again. You know, with global warming and whatnot.

Finally, you can always try something like this, if your best friend is Harry, and you've just found a briefcase full of money in Aspen, CO and are trying to seduce a woman named Mary who's husband is being held for ransom.



............anyone?

Maternity Monday: Winter Wedding

So sorry for the hiatus, guys! Between buying a house, becoming enormously pregnant and eating my weight in holiday goodies, I've been so busy. Blogging has kind of taken a back seat.

But alas, I am back.

Last week, my little sis took the plunge and got hitched. Yay! But, I admit I was a little stressed about my hugely pregnant self being in all those wedding pictures. And furthermore, I didn't want to be "the pregnant sister who wore her only denim skirt, Coleman tent top and Birks" to the wedding. No. I wanted to be "the pregnant sister who looked smokin'." So, I knew I had to put a totally bangin' outfit together and then, I'd feel awesome about myself the entire day. And folks, that is precisely what I did.

Behold:

(click to enlarge)

Headband: Icing, $5.99
Rosette flower clip: boutique, $8.00
Pearls: Forever 21, $3.80
3/4 Sleeve Dress: Motherhood Maternity, $29.98
Patterned tights: Wet Seal, $7.50
My favorite black Mary Janes in the world: Payless (American Eagle), $22.99 (Disclaimer --I got them last season so I'm not sure if they're still around. But they are the most comfortable AND cute heeled Mary Jane shoe ever. My feet didn't hurt until about 10 pm!)

See? It IS possible to look cute for a wedding while pregnant, AND to be comfortable.

Hope you all had a wonderful holiday!