Freaky Friday: Awesomely Bad Fashion Inventions

I love watching the Fashion Week footage and seeing all of the crazy stuff designers roll out, hoping that it'll be the next big things. Unfortunately, there is only one Crocs, so I'm afraid the "crazy ugly thing that regular people think they like" spot has been filled. So, all of the other weirdo fashion inventions end up in the bargain bin at the Pick n' Save. Luckily, they are preserved for all time on the Internets. Yay for you AND me!



Hey, I've only had two children in what I THOUGHT was a normal labor and delivery. But maybe I was doing it wrong? This looks much easier. And creepier.


These pants are meant to wink at other people while you walk. Number one problem: All of these people need to go a size up, am I right? Number two problem: Calling attention to your undulating bum is bad form always. ;) (That was a wink... did it make you feel dirty?)


Thong jeans! Do you think that if a girl wore a visible thong underneath this the universe would explode?



K, so whatever, this isn't really fashion, but you put it in your pants (ew) so it's close enough. Have a special event coming up? Fill your undies with toot patches here to diffuse your irritable bowel syndrome. Also, you're super classy.


Your dog hates you. He hopes you die in your sleep and totally won't be heroic and call 911 like the dogs on tv.


The breast pillow. First of all, can I say hahahahaha? My boobs are so small that when I sleep they look like they are ignoring each other. Maybe I need a vice to crank them together?


Listen, Miley Cyrus. YOU CANNOT ALWAYS HAVE THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS. Observe the flip flop sock. It makes me sad inside.



The patch to avoid camel toe. Know another way to avoid camel toe? Stop dressing like a dirty prostitute.



Padded butt jeans. I have it under good authority that this is actually a picture of my own derriere. And I didn't see a PENNY.


Armored jeans. I kind of feel like these would be well-respected in the LARPing community. I could not love a human baby as much as I love LARPing videos on Youtube.

Well, I'm off to buy some flip flop knee sock hybrids. I hope everyone has good, yet fashion failure free weekend!

Jae Tests the Trend: The Maxi Dress

SO last week my sister in law Facebooked me to see if I would come shopping with her for a maxi dress after seeing last week's post about spring trends. So we set off on Thursday to find a maxi dress with the following criteria: 1) Must fit over her lovely lady lumps. 2) Actually, that was it. Of course, while perusing the racks I found a few things for myself. It would be sacrilege otherwise. Anyway, I've heard people say things like "I'm short, I can't wear maxi dresses" or, "I'm a jeans a tee kind of girl." This Test the Trend is proof that maxi dresses are easy to wear, totally comfy, and a good change from the same old. (PS, people who don't try new things because it isn't 'them' totally grind on me, by the way. Uh, obviously if you never try anything different, it won't be you. It doesn't exempt you, it just makes you seem like an old stick in the mud.)

Anyhow, there are some right ways to do a maxi dress, okay ways, and oh so very wrong ways to do it.

Observe.


K, this is SO WRONG. We were in our friendly neighborhood Forever 21 and kept grabbing things that we THOUGHT were maxi dresses, but were really maxi pantsuits and horrendously scary. Here I am sacrificing myself YET AGAIN for you people, to show you just how crotch-tastic this thing is. So bad. And it had like, a triple leather belt for maximum drama. I felt very "Dallas" in this outfit. Also, we were laughing and making fun of it while taking my picture and got the stink-eye from the dressing room worker. K, JUST BECAUSE YOU WORK THERE DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO DEFEND THE CRAPPY STUFF THEY SELL OMG. Obviously, this was left hanging neatly in the dressing room, which was more than it deserved. Also, my sister in law sent me this picture saved as CROTCHMONGER.jpg, which was fitting. It gave me an EPIC front-bum.


So this is a "meh" way of doing the maxi dress. It's oooookay I guess. I love the color, but this is a little plain jane. It also can come off as a little jumperish, regardless of how cute the dress is. I won't judge you for this per se, but I will believe you can do better. Also, the sun streaming through the windows makes me look like I've died but come back to make pottery with my old girlfriend. Wait, that's Ghost. I had to take these pics on self timer, okay? My husband vehemently opposes being any part of this blog.


Much better. Remember how we talked about maxi dresses being pregnancy-inducing? And not in the I-wanna-be-pregnant way? A cinchy belt totally helps. Now, when it comes to wearing a shirt under something, or wearing a cardi over it, I always pick wearing something over it. It doesn't mess with the aesthetic so much and gives some dimension to the outfit. Now my 5'4" frame looks tall and statuesque, even tho "maxi dresses aren't for short people". Pshhh I say. Pshhh.


I was going to post this picture so you could again see the cinchy belt doing its job and making my waist looking tiny.... but I just wanted to show off my baby. Cute right? Clearly he is not concerned about making his waist look smaller.

Anyways, really, really DO try maxi dress this season. I think you'll find that its just as easy, if not easier than jeans and a t-shirt, and easy even for people who are fashion-challenged. IT'S ONE PIECE. If you don't think you can handle putting one piece on in the morning, then you probably shouldn't be operating a computer.

Except, still do, because I like having readers. Mmmkay. I'm sorry I called you challenged.

Touchy.

Maternity Monday - What to Wear Underneath

When you get into your third trimester, it can get a little difficult to cover up. Perhaps the shirts you wore in your last pregnancy shrunk while they were in that plastic bin for the last couple of years (That's my story. It can't be that I'm just bigger this time. It just can't be.), or perhaps the maternity shirts you find in stores aren't quite long enough to cover your bump.

Whether you're trying to cover the fact that you're wearing unbuttoned jeans, hide the band on your maternity jeans, or conceal your growing belly, there are a few options you can try.

First up: The BellaBand.

While I've never personally tried one of these, I've seen them work for other women. They are advertised to work all through your pregnancy, and are offered in a few colors.

If an actual BellaBand is a little out of your budget, Target sells a cheaper version, called a BeBand:Another option is a long camisole. I'm short, (5'3"...and a half thankyouverymuch), so these work for me. They're long enough that they cover what some of my maternity shirts don't cover. The other thing I love about wearing a cami is that it helps to smooth everything out a bit. It also covers up my newly acquired preggo cleavage when I need it to. Motherhood Maternity sells inexpensive camisoles in a couple of color options:As we've established, I'm a cheapo, so I checked Ross and found maternity cami's for $5 each.

Option 3: Topless Undershirts

These are inexpensive undershirts that start just below the bra line and are long enough to cover everything you want covered. Be warned: While these work great for us preggos, be sure to buy a size bigger because they don't come in maternity sizes. These are also great for nursing moms because unlike a cami, there are no straps to worry about, and they hide more of your stomach than a belly band, so you can stay covered while you're trying to discreetly whip out the ladies.
Topless Undershirts come in tons of colors. There are even a couple of prints to choose from.

Freaky Friday: Croc Mutations

So one of my awesome readers (Hi, Lisa!) sent me a great pic that she snapped while out shopping of this horrible little Croc-seersucker abomination and it made me want to go see what the folks at Croc were up to when it came to the design of new Crocs. And since they can't leave well enough alone, there was plenty to choose from.


*Shudder) WHY.


The Crocs are mutating!! Actually, I feel like this one looks like Darkwing Duck:


Hahaha... how do I even remember Darkwing Duck? Those must have been my impressionable cartoon years.


WHY do they want to keep thinking of new ways to use plastic to make your feet ugly? These look like a chew toy.


These are new, feminized version of Crocs. Oh yeah, my husband would be ALL over those. "Hey Jae. I love the way those shoes make your cankles more pronounced. RAWR!"


You know what is feminizing? FURRY PLAID. Why would you do this to an already mannish shoe? Like, I like it... but is it lumberjacky enough?


This is in case someone doesn't know what kind of shoe you're wearing. Probably because they were living on another planet, or were encased in ice for thousands of years and resurrected by two plucky California teens. Oh wait, that's the plot of Encino Man, isn't it? HEY EVERYONE, I'M WEARING CROCS!


These were billed as shoes for the office. What office do you work at where plastic footwear is an acceptable part of the dress code? And what the is wrong with actual mary janes? Are they really that uncomfortable that you NEED them in croc form? My four year old wears mary janes. You can handle it.

Also, did you see the teeth shoes over on the fanpage? So terrifying.

Keep the Freaky Friday-spotting coming! I love seeing what people find out and about. My friend Morgs once texted me a picture of GOLD knock off Uggs. It was so bad, but it totally made my day.

Aaaaaand....

My brother impersonates Lady Gaga again. It is super awesome. Thought you fellow Gaga-Love-to-Haters would be interested!

Till tomorrow,

Jae

Spring Trends and How to Wear 'Em

Spring trends can sometimes be confusing. For one, they are often ridiculous. Like, hey, this spring everyone is wearing pink from head to toe, or "Orange is the new black!". The other problem with spring trends is that when embracing them, people sometimes get a little... enthusiastic. Like, "Oh, polka dots are the biggest trend this spring? THEN I SHALL WEAR POLKA DOTS EVER DAY!" Being a slave to trends is not cute.

On the other hand, ignoring trends completely and wearing the same thing season after season is boring. So I like to find the middle ground, and let trends influence my style choices without looking like a crazy person.

This spring, there's been a ton of maxi dresses, camo-inspired military gear, and of course, floral. All of these have the potential to go horribly, horribly wrong if you go crazy with it. But in small doses, all are super cute.

Observe.

Maxi Dresses

Items in this set:
Old Navy Womens Surplice Drawstring Maxi Dresses, $30
Women's AE Classic Denim Jacket, $16
Kustom Charlie Sandal, $28
BILLABONG Skin Deep Handbag, $49
Via Nativa + Aros Reclaimed Wood Earrings, $25

Maxi dresses were big last summer, but they are going to get even more popular this summer because they've been mainstreamed (OMG that's actually a word.) The problem I most have is with maxi dresses is this. They have the potential to make you look pregnant. Adorable if you are, sad if you are not. While most maxi dresses are pretty flowy and casual, look for one with a defined waist line, and wear something trim over top. I love this jean jacket, dress combo for every day. How cute would this be running errands?

Items in this set:
Digital Print Maxi Dress, 21 GBP
Banded Collar Hacci Shrug, $12
Monsoon Accessorize - Round Stud Gladiator Sandals, 25 GBP
Phantasya Line - Swarovski Crystal Bar Drop Pendant Necklace -..., $98
Women’s Jewelry: necklaces, earrings, rings, bracelets, brooches and..., $45

Also, the maxi dress doesn't always have to be super casual. Ditch the All-American Girl jacket and replace a few accessories and you can totally wear it for a girl's night or on a date. Just choose a maxi dress with a graphic pattern and let it be the star of the show. Also, the belt on this baby makes for a teensy waist.

Florals

Items in this set:
Spring Woven Floral Top, $25
PARIS BLUES Embroidered Back Womens Bootcut Jeans, $35
Forever21.com - Shoes - Casual - 2074956363, $23
Dakine - Nina (Candy Stripe) - Bags and Luggage, $36
Lacie's Silver Daisy Cuff Bracelet, $40

Florals for spring can be horrible and cliche. But doing florals in a new way is fresh and not so scary Laura Ashley. Instead of wandering around looking like an Easter egg in pastels, do florals in a different color palette. The coral color of this shirt looks cute and vintage instead of Easter egg-hunty. The shirt's empire waist will help to hide any mummy tummy. The dark jeans make the look a little more serious. I actually covet this outfit quite heavily.

Items in this set:
Contrast Floral Linen Dress, $25
Open Dolman Cardigan, $16
Cowboy Harness Boot, $40
Quilted Stud Handbag, $25
ASOS Feather And Rhinestone Drop Earrings, $7.65

Another way to do this season's florals is to toughen them up a bit. I think our brains are pre-wired to want to make floral clothes look sweet and girly. But I think choosing a graphic print and then accessorizing with leather and studs makes the floral print stand out even more, without be way too literal. I love a cowboy boot with a dress anyway, and this would be so cute on a date or something. When you really want a print to stand out, stick with just two colors. It's all about the dress here.

Camo-Military

Items in this set:
Brown Air Force Military Shirt, 18 GBP
Christian Louboutin Almeria Leather Espadrille, $340
Freebird by The Sak Peace Medium Crossbody, $59
ASOS | ASOS Genuine Leather Thick Studded Cuff With Popper Fastening..., $17
My Pet Octopus Cuff-Mod Retro Indie Clothing & Vintage Clothes, $16

Finally, the camo trend. This one is surprising to me for spring, because the colors are so fall, but I can dig it. Anyway, THIS is the type of thing that people can get too crazy with. Like camo pants, camo shirt, camo hat, CALM DOWN EVERYONE! Just because you saw it on a celeb in a picture does not mean it's okay. Instead, let camo colors and military lines be your inspiration. Hook me up with a walking short any day. The military-inspired shirt looks current without looking crazy, and a red espadrille lends color to the look. (In case you haven't noticed, I like to have a little bit of color imbalance in all of my outfits. Just something that is a little un-matchy and enough to be like "Oh, that's interesting!") If you don't love an ankle strap like I do, this outfit would work equally as well without one. The shoe is more about the wedge and material as it is the style. Also, when it comes to accessories for a military look, I like to keep things minimal. A few cuff bracelets and that's it.

So, when perusing through the racks of floral skirts and camo pants at Forever 21, remember that trends are more guidelines than set rules. If you're not sure if you can pull off a look, you probably can't. Just try it, even if it's outside the box for you. You might find that maxi dresses are your new summer uniform of choice, or you love the way you look in last year's buffalo plaid instead (I know I do). Create your style, and then add pieces as you get new ideas and inspiration for more current stuff.

In a related note, the other night my husband made me count the shirts I own. The tally is now at 210, and whatever is downstairs in the laundry. I am ashamed....

....ASHAMED I don't have MORE! (I think he was doing it to prove a point that I had too much clothes but it just made me want to go shopping. In your face, husband!)

Maternity Monday - Dresses

One of my pregnant friends was recently complaining that all maternity dresses make her look like she's wearing a tent. This put me on a hunt for cute non-tent-like dresses. There are a lot of options out there that won't make you look much bigger than you actually are. Just stay away from this: When looking for maternity dresses an empire waist is mucho flattering. Having some tightness on your top half is the key to not looking like you're wearing a big fat muumuu. Here are a few options I found.

The Tie Dress(Nordstrom)
This dress ties in the back, which allows you to control how tight to make it under your bustline. This will give you some shape and create a nice silhouette. The big sleeves hide jiggly arms.

The Smocked Dress(A Pea in the Pod)
This one is smocked under the bustline, which makes it nice and tight. Because of the elastic band, there's no need for a tie back.

The Baby Doll Dress

(A Pea in the Pod)

Again, this is tight on the bust, making you look like you still have some kind of a figure. I love the detail on the sleeves and I think the neckline is really flattering.

The Bow Dress

(A Pea in the Pod)

I think we've established that I like a cute bow. It's so girly and sweet. I think off to the side looks best. It just adds a little eye catching detail.

And finally, my favorite, The Wrap Dress(Gap)
Very flattering to your expanding waistline. I have a black wrap dress that I love. I like that I can adjust it as my belly grows. But who styled her? Wrong shoes!

See? No tents here. Maternity dresses have come a looong way from the scary jumpers our moms once wore.