Cleaning Out My Closet

Probably one of the funnest facts about me is that I love rap music. Like, really Jae? I want you to imagine me now, driving back from dropping off carpool in my large SUV in my sleepy 2,000 person town. Now imagine I’m blasting Eminem from the stereo and bobbing my head like I’m in a hip hop video. I might throw up a gang sign or two. Yeah, I would say I’m pretty much the most intimidating 5’4” suburban mom EVER. Why am I even telling you this? Because this post is clearly devoted to cleaning out your closet a la Eminem, to the tune of writing a violent rap song in which you pretend like you’re going to kill your mother.

I’m totally kidding. Not only is that silly, but it has nothing to do with fashion. If you want to kill your mother with a shovel you can do it on your own time, thanks.

While Eminem did write “Cleanin’ Out My Closet,” he probably didn’t mean getting rid of ugly clothes. At least I think he didn’t. I only took one class in song interpretation so I could be wrong.

One of the biggest challenges with trying to dress well with kids is that sometimes, you just don't feel like you have the time to put yourself together and get out the door. You're running off to carpool while listening to gangsta rap, hurrying out to work or trying to squeeze in a trip to the gym and the way you look just happens to take a backseat for the day. So you end up heading out in your trusty tee and jeans combo, with barely enough time to slip on your flip flops as you run out to the car.

Well, at least half of the problem is probably found deep within your closet. We all have the exact same issues, no matter how our closets are organized: the clothes you wear all the time are easy to find near the middle, the clothes that don't fit yet you hang onto like a crazy person are stuffed in the back and there's probably a few pieces that you forgot about too. Like me and my red skirt. Because of this, you probably grab whatever you see first to get dressed in a hurry. Which may or may not be frumpy and disappointing.

Can I let you in on a mind-blowing fashion secret?

If you don't have crappy clothes in your closet.... (wait for it) ..... you don't wear crappy clothes.

I KNOW, RIGHT!?

That's why I urge everyone to clean out their closets at least twice a year. I tend to do a big cleaning in both fall and spring. It's when I assess the season's clothes with the upcoming weather change and decide whether or not I want to hold onto them for another year. Seeing as I just got rid of a massive bag of clothes, plenty of stuff didn't make the cut. That sweater with the hole in the armpit? That jacket that didn't button? The hat that was a really bad idea? All gone. Because I got rid of so much stuff, I was able to rescue some lesser-worn pieces from the back of my closet to put them back into rotation again. Hello, friends! I'm sorry I have forsaken you.

Don't know where to start? Here's some tips! Hows about you get rid of/donate/trash/give to a cross-dresser:

-Anything that doesn't fit. Um, yeah. Doi. Yes, I know you want to lose ten pounds, but that doesn't mean the jeans you wore in high school are in style. Let it go.

-Anything that you don't feel confident or attractive in. Don't know if you like it? Put it on and snap a digiphoto. You'll find out real fast which clothes are keepers and which are kickers. Ask your husband too. You'll be surprised at how vocal he is about your favorite sweater. Every so often my husband dispenses helpful fashion advice, like "You should wear more pink." I own exactly one pink shirt. Time to go shopping.

-Any comfort items that you're keeping just because they're easy to throw on or it looked good once upon a time/10 lbs ago/when you were in 8th grade. Seriously, if the only reason you own a piece of clothing is “because it’s comfortable,” toss it. Comfort isn’t the only reason to get dressed in the morning, people. Get rid of your 9am safety net and MAKE yourself try something new.

-Anything barfed on, peed on, pooped on, stained with food or otherwise destroyed. It's gross. Only a true mother would understand why this is a common issue.

"But Jae!" you say. "If I tossed a bunch of my clothes I wouldn't have anything to wear." Correction: You won't have anything crappy, misshapen, stained or sloppy to wear. When you pare down your closet to well-fitting, well-made basics, you'll actually have more to work with. You'll be able to clearly see what you have and how it works with other pieces, instead of just blindly reaching into your closet every morning.

Here was my weekend's work:

Shoes are organized by color and texture, with both the front and the back showing so I can choose them according to the way they look AND heel height. Plus it just makes me happy to have prettiness in my closet.


Tops are arranged by sleeve length, then dresses, pants and jackets. Makes it super easy to find what I'm looking for and it only takes a few minutes extra when folding clothes to divide them up properly.

Also, the top of my closet is for workout clothes and the Nerf gun I confiscated from my son. WHO buys a two-year-old a Nerf gun? My husband, that's who.

Anyway, with an organized closet it probably takes me LESS time to grab something that looks put-together than it would for me to dig out some yoga pants and an oversized tee, so it pretty much forces me into looking like a normal human being. Drat.

Although I am looking for ideas for hanging handbags and scarves, if you have any... right now they're stored in a laundry room cupboard and fall on my head when I try to get at them.

Seriously though. Two hours on a Saturday. That's all it takes to separate the wheat from the chaff and start dressing just a little bit better. Plus you get to have that Sex in the City moment every time you open up a clean, organized closet. Half of the time I expect birds to fly out and soft music to start playing when I try to pick out some shoes. It's THAT satisfying.

And just so you know, I did NOT give away these shoes. They've become my closet mascot. One day, when Minnie Mouse clodhoppers come back in style I WILL BE READY.

What I Wore: What Happens When I Clean

I bought this red skirt with plans to wear it all autumn long, then I promptly stuffed it in the back of my closet and forgot it existed for like, two months. Isn't that the way? Anyway, I did my big pre-holdiay-closet-cleanout over the weekend and trashed, gave away and otherwise got rid of stuff, AND I found this skirt again. Happy day! If that isn't a testament to cleaning out your closet, I don't know what is. Also, on Wednesday we're going to go over closet organization and how to part with that shirt that doesn't fit but you keep it anyway in case you drop 100 pounds and want to dress like you're in high school. It'll be FUN.


Top: Charlotte Russe
Cardigan: BP @ Nordstrom
Skirt: F21
Belt: Walmart
Boots: BP @ Nordstrom (Something else I forgot I owned until I cleaned my closet - double win!)
Bracelet/Watch: Inspired Silver
Earrings: F21

Who says short people can't wear long stuff? I say pish posh on that. I love a long, floaty skirt . It makes me feel like I'm in an old timey Western EVERY TIME. Also, I've been watching "The Quick and the Dead" a lot recently, so it's fitting. Is that weird? It comes on TV and I can't not watch it.


Peacock earrings basically match everything and the lace on the collar of this shirt is my fave. Also, this just in: I need to have my hair done. I'm seeing how close to Christmas I can push it because that's how I roll.

Well, I'd post more but my son has been in stage five tantrum mode since I got home from the gym. Luckily that was only AN HOUR AGO but no biggie. Anyone want a potty-training two year old?

Hahahaha but seriously.

Freaky Friday: Weird Fashion Inventions 2.0

Just so you know I just spent the morning cleaning out the Freaky Friday folder on my computer and it turned into a nostalgic yearbook moment. "Aww, remember that awful dress? Those shoes WERE hideous." Something like 200 pictures later and I decided it was time to do another weird fashion invention post. Because nothing says "the end of the year" like gathering up all the crap stuff that's sold via infomercials in one place.



You know I couldn't have this list without the Forever Lazy! Not only is it a glorified sleeper, but it has a butt hatch for using the bathroom AND a cool black guy wears it in the commercial. It's basically a must-have at this point. Please, feel free to wear it to Walmart without even a hint of irony.



Yessss fishnet tights attached to a shirt. Because putting on tights isn't hard enough as it is. It takes me roughly 30 minutes to maneuver myself into a pair after a shower, but yeah I definitely want to wrestle them over my arms too.

I swear, even a size 2 feels fat when trying to get into tights.


The Gizmo skirt!! Word on the street is that Lady Gaga bought one of these. I will forever associate her ladyparts with Gremlins. I mean, I think I might have already subconciously associated her ladyparts with Gremlins, but now it's for real.


Non-washable underwear. It's yellow in the front and brown in the back. I will point out that while it might not SHOW, it definitely will SMELL.

Might I introduce the Comfort Wand instead? It attaches to toilet paper to give you an additional 18 inch reach AND you can keep it in your purse. Please please please, at the very least.... use a Ziploc?


If UGGS and Crocs had a love child, this shoe would be born. And I would not come to its baby shower.


Necklace clasps are SO FRUSTRATING. It's like, just stay in the back eager beaver! Never fear, because now you can spend $15 to TAPE YOUR NECKLACE TO YOUR NECK I HAVE LOST ALL FAITH IN HUMANITY.


LED Bra! I can see it now... "You are getting sleeeeeepy. So sleeeeeeepy. You kiiiiiind of have a headaaaaaache and don't reallllllly want to dooooooooo it. You waaaaant meeeeee to reeeeeead my new boook in the bathtub insteaaaaaaaad."


K, really tooth jewelry? Is it me or do all old teeth smell like DEATH? Like, here! Have you seen my stinky molar jewelry?


The noodle eater hair cover! Why didn't I think of that? Ohhh yeah.... I don't eat my soup with my face hovered over my bowl, that's why. Also.... no one thought of a ponytail here? Really?


YAY! We're just sorority sisters, you know, hanging out in our towels. Oops! They fell open! Oh no! Better get a glorified scrunchie to hold the top inch closed! Because heaven forbid we should actually wear pants when we hang out!

I blame Aguilera.

Yeah, you do your walk of shame, pantsless wonder.

Layering 101

Hahaha I accidentally typed in the title of this post as "Laying 101." Ummm that's for another website. Sorry creeps.

Ugh, sorry about the lack of posting yesterday, amigos. It was just one of those days when it straight up wasn't gonna happen. Oh, the joys of running a blog.

Anyway, I did get some great inspiration for my post when I woke up on Saturday morning. This is what I woke up to:

Yeah, that would be a massive amount of snow in the frozen tundra where I live. Also, my mittens.

Guys, I'm not prepared for full-on winter yet. Not to mention that where I live missed the memo on SEASONS. I went from running my air conditioner full blast to running the heater full bast and right now I'm writing this with a cat blanket on my lap. Not a blanket made from cats, just a blanket decorated with cats. My mom got it for me. I don't even know.

Anyway, thanks to the sudden arrival of winter, I had all of my summer and fall clothes out and in full rotation when it hit. And I don't feel like putting them away just yet, so it's pretty much the perfect time for layering.

One of the big secrets of looking put together is dimension. See, a t-shirt and sweats can only get you so far. When you start adding pieces together, that's when you actually find your style. So instead of throwing my cute summer dress to the back of the closet, I did this:


Yes, I know these are crappy cell phone pictures. Just go with it.
I threw my summery white dress over plain tights, cable knit socks (from my Halloween costume, natch) and added a blazer and a scarf. Totally fallish and warm, and I didn't have to reorganize my closet. WIN.

I know that serious layering can be confusing. It's hard to know what goes with what and all that business. The good news is that it's pretty easy and as long as you don't go overboard, you won't look like a bag lady. Unless you want to.

Observe!

Old navy cardigan, $25
Skinny jeans, $30
Oasis, $9
De Blossom boots, $45
Bracelet, $20
Free People long necklace, $38
Zara braided belt, $15

When layering with a cute cardigan like this one, a few things give the outfot more dimension. The first is allowing your clothes to have different lengths and levels. If the cami and the sweater were the same length, you'd lose some of the awesome interest here. Another fun thing to try is a belt over the sweater. It adds another layer of style and gives your waist more shape, especially when you're wearing bulkier layers like wool, etc. Finishing it with a tall riding boot makes the look warm without looking heavy. I would love this for shopping... but not Christmas shopping because it's only Nov. 10th, but thanks anyway Toys R Us.

Striped skirt, $16
We Love Colors red hosiery, $15
Allover Lace Tube Top-TUBES-Styles for Less Clothes Womens & Juniors..., $15
Stripe socks, $9.99
Camel shoes, $50
BCBGeneration metallic handbag, $50
Wet Seal feather jewelry, $13
Target:Xhilaration® Bomber Jacket - Assorted Colors, $40

Okay, I might have a serious crush on this outfit. Tights are back in this winter, which makes me so happy because I enjoy them quite a bit. They're just super versatile and can make a piece look totally different. Take this body-con striped skirt. It looks pretty vampy on it's own, but pair it with a casual bomber and some tights and it's totally everyday material. Also, knee socks over tights make me feel warm inside. It just adds another layer of dimension and adds length to your boots so your legs look super long and you look like you know what you're doing fashion-wise. 10 points if you also used your socks to dress up as the Sun Drop girl.

Miss Selfridge cotton jacket, £30
YMI faded jeans, $30
Fergie ballerina shoes, $40
Hobo tote bag, $26
Antique silver ring, $18
Mimco bow stud earrings, £30
Polka dot scarve, $28
Belt, $28

K, you don't have to wear boots all winter. That's just me because I live on a real-life mountainside. Seriously. A deer jumped into my car while I was driving home the other night and went in the house and chewed out my husband for making us live somewhere where deer run at cars. You know where I never hit a deer? Toronto.

Anyway, I digress. Flats are fine in the winter as long as you're not traipsing through the snow. I've done it and it's not pleasant. One of the easiest ways to look layered up is with a scarf. How crazypants adorable is this? I love that it's tied with a fluffy bow. Add a blazer as another layer and you're pretty much done. Alone, these pieces are fine. You could wear them and still look put together. But when worn together you've got way more dimension and interest, which should be the whole point of layering up your clothes.

Layering helps you extend your wardrobe. All of a sudden stuff looks new when worn in different ways. I usually wear my summer dress alone with my Fryes and maybe a cardigan. Adding tights, riding boots and a blazer and it's like "OMG I hate that Jae she buys new clothes all the time." And while I DO buy new clothes all the time, that dress isn't new.

So slap on some knee socks, grab a scarf and belt your cardigan and we can be friends.

What I Wore: Pretty Sweet

I feel like I could totally host a Stepford Wives dinner party in this outfit. I mean really? Lace, pearls AND a flower? It doesn't get any more deliciously feminine than that. It was so girly that I had to drag out some serious five-inch platforms so I could make sure people knew that while I dress girly sometimes, I could still put your eye out with my shoe. And really, what more could you ask from an outfit?


Lace shell and undershirt: Local boutique
Belt and skirt: White House Black Market (LOVE!)
Shoes: Qupid
Pearls: Nordstrom
Flower: Local


Well, hello! Would you like me to bake you an apple pie? Here, I'll bring you your slippers.



Accessory closeups! I just pinned this flower right on the strand of pearls. Easy peasy. These shoes are also awesome and have a little peekaboo over the toe that makes them feel naughty. Unfortunately I wore them outside and sunk three feet into the grass. Stilettos forever!!

I don't usually dress this girly, but it was fun to play dress-up and I highly recommend it. Just don't get mad when your husband expects dinner when he comes home from work. Mine does and he's highly disappointed EVERY DAY.

Freaky Friday

Hey friends! Time to get back to usual Freaky Friday without all of the boob and thigh of last week. I know, I'm sad too.

Fun story of the day! So, when I dressed up in my Halloween costume on Monday, I decided to wear it while trick or treating on Main Street a few towns over. I figured a) no one would know me there and b) it was Halloween and I'm psychotic. Anyway, my GIANT two year old decided that his legs no longer worked after less than half of the event, so I was slogging along with my awesome friend Ashleigh and our collective kiddos when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

"Um, are you from nomoremomjeans.com?"

OMG KILL ME. Literally any time I've met a reader in public I can almost guarantee I'm wearing like, a trucker hat and camo pants, but this time I was dressed in like a complete mental patient.

It turns out it was Janelle, of the sexy house costume! I was so excited to meet her IRL because she actually won the costume and I got to tell her in person. She told me she wasn't sure that was something to be proud of because let's be honest, that costume was filthy. Anyway, she said she was sure it was me because there is no way anyone else would leave the house dressed as the Sun Drop girl. It was awesome.

So hi Janelle! Gift card is on it's way and I promise next time you see me I won't be wearing *that* much Spandex.


Maybe these instead? I feel like if you wore these pants, you'd have to have jazz hands everywhere you went.
"Hey, can I get a cherry Coke with extra ice?" *JAZZ HANDS!*
"Yes, I've noticed that Susie struggles with her reading." *JAZZ HANDS!*
"No, I don't want to try a free sample." *JAZZ HANDS*

Found by Julia on Pinterest, I call this "Ugly Sweater Refashion Fail." While I can certainly appreciate pom poms on any piece of clothing, this still leaves you with two moose on your buttcheeks and I am not OK with that.

This jacket is meant to have a shirttail detail that hangs out at the back. I don't care what anyone says, that extra fabric looks like a diaper. But you can still totally buy it for $10,000. Cloth diapers are much cheaper.

















Alyssa sent me these sequin UGGS that were suggested to her by her account on ShoeDazzle.com. She also noted that the stylist tip said to wear them with a sequined beret for "the right amount of sparkle."
Dear ShoeDazzle.com Stylist:
I don't care what anyone says. These are robot boots. I've never seen a robot wear a beret, much less a sequined one. French robot? Now I'm confused.
Love, Jae

Yes, you are seeing the world's longest torso. I'm pretty sure this woman doesn't even have a pelvis. It goes straight from abs to kneecaps.





















This basically looks like you skinned a unicorn. Not a sexy unicorn, just a garden variety-type.




YAY! Finally something to wear to Dracula's pool party. I can breathe. (Thanks Michelle!)


Sheriece sent these over. I was totally on board until I saw CAT FACE in the product title. Like, I mourn the loss of these shoes. A velvet red wedge with ankle strap? I die. Cat face on the shoes? I kill someone else.


I feel like running a marathon.


Well, I've gotta get my work done. There *might* be a half-yearly sale that I *might* need to check out. I want to try on this dress. I hate the way it's belted in the picture, but I'm thinking it could work with a thick brown belt a bit higher, worn with brown boots for fall. What do you think? Also, I'm looking for jeans and a couple casual dresses and skirts to wear with thick tights for winter. K, I just want an excuse to shop SO SUE ME.

De-scare-ifying Red Lipstick

Hey, I totally know why red lipstick gets a bad rap. It's because when ANYONE thinks about red lips EVER, it's in a Christina Aguilera way.



Sweet mother of mercy, homegirl loves red lipstick like I love an anniversary sale. And is it me, or does she kind of look like Snooki here?

Hey, I love rocking out to "Fighter" in my car as much as the next person, but Christina (because I refuse to call her X-tina) does the red lip wrong time and time again. Baby, fire your stylist ASAP. Christina's red lip is wrong for a myriad of reasons, the most obvious being it's not the right color and she's done it with bighairbiglipsbigeyesandbigboobs which is what makes the red lip veer into trannytown. And trannytown is only fun when you're up late at night and Rock Horror Picture Show is on TV.

So I get that most people have a little trepidation with wearing a red lip. I do. But I think it's a trick that all women should have in their makeup bag, so we're going to take some time to demystify and descarify the red lip.

First, color. The color red you choose is EVERYTHING. Take me, for instance. I am very fair-skinned. Because of this, a true red lip makes me look like all of the vampires in the first Twilight movie. Comically undead. So when I'm choosing a red lipstick, I know it has to have pink undertones for me not to look crazy.

You know those makeup counters you hurry past each time you run through a department store? Stop. Tell the nice makeup lady that you're looking for a red lipstick and she'll be overjoyed to help you find one. I like Sephora and the Christian Dior counters the best. You simply cannot buy something as bold as red lipstick without trying a few first. Here's some guidelines for skin tones that should help you on your quest.

If you have fair skin with pink undertones (like moi): Look for lighter reds with pink or coral undertones. You don't need to get all Aguilera-like.

If you have medium skin with golden undertones: look for truer reds with bluish undertones. They'll make your teeth look whiter and look best with more tanned, golden skin.

If you have dark skin: Look for reds with burgundy and brick-colored undertones because you can pull it off and I'm jealous.

Once you know what type of red looks best on your skin tone, you can narrow down your search to a few different shades so you don't need to try a bajillion shades.

When applying red lips, you need to be careful. If you don't apply it right, the middle part could wear away, leaving your a dark ring around your lips. I'm not a lipliner girl, but if you are, line and then fill your lips completely to give the lipstick something to stick to. I prefer a lip primer, so I slick on some of that, then add my red lip. I then blot and reapply. Finally, I add a little shine with a clear or coral lip gloss on top. The coral helps tone down the red when I want it to look less "TA-DA!"-ish. Yes, that's totally a real phrase.

I prefer a red lip with more toned down clothes and makeup. The lips are enough. Don't go all crazy and do a smoky eye and wear a bustier and no pants like SOME people I know. Seriously, I love a more casual look and light eye with red lips, because they are seriously enough on your own. Pile on the makeup and it'll look like you got into mommy's makeup bag for the first time.

AB
Exhibit A) Too much of a good thing, Queen of the Undead.
Exhibit B) Lovely and natural.

A red lip is a super glam way to change things up, so I seriously think you should give it a try. If you're still unsure, consider heading to the drug store or Wally World and picking up a few super cheap shades from whatever dollar brand makeup line you can find. They won't wear particularly well, but you'll have the chance to test drive the red before you spend a little more coin on a longer-lasting brand.

Can we all make a pact to give it a try? Let's do! Plus, when you have red lips you get to leave all sorts of cute smacky prints all over your husband's face like you're in a Looney Tunes cartoon.



Mwah!

Kisses,
Jae