Freaky Friday

I'm full-on sick with the flu today, so I'm going to hammer out some freaky Friday goodness and then go back to bed and curse my decision to ever have children. It is the WORST when you're sick. Boo, I had plans to shop today. The fashion gods must be angry with my hatred of capris.



FINE! I'll say it! This dress makes her look a little hippy. HIPPOPOTAMUS-Y, THAT IS!

I'm not proud of myself.


Sadly, these are not marketed for Halloween. But what can you expect from a clothing company called "Nasty Gal"?


What is with the furry clog shoe?? It is horrifying. I don't know whether to wear it or ride it up a mountain.



Sweet mother. This is a very expensive, very confusing shirt. I feel like it's the equivalent of a man's tuxedo shirt. Like, casual but FANCY all at once.



Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, BEELTEJUICE!


Aaaand this would be the wrong way to wear shorts. Is it really necessary to have them super short AND tie-dyed AND torn up by an angry cat? Now it's just overkill.


But why? WHY were these pants on sale for $3? THEY ARE SO FLATTERING.



I swear, they'll give a fashion line to any celeb. From the much-anticipated Flinestone line.

Well, do any of you want to go shopping in my stead? I have a date with a few talk shows, some sweatpants and my own pity.

Maternity Monday - Dressing the Bump for Spring

Someone please fund a shopping spree for me quick because there are so many cute trends for spring!

Let's start with tops:

Graphic T's are in. And although grey doesn't seem like a very springy color, it's all over the place this season. (Gap)

Knots are also all the rage. (Such a lame phrase.) Look for shirts or dresses with a little knot detail, but make sure it doesn't look too bulky when you try it on. (Old Navy)Cut outs, like the ones on these sleeves are another cute trend for spring. (Old Navy)Florals and ruffles are also in. Be careful with both, though. Too much of either is not a good thing. (Nordstrom)

Moving on to bottoms:

I love casual skirts while preggo. Sometimes I don't feel like squishing my extra meaty legs into shorts. (Motherhood Maternity)

But I do love love love me some Bermuda shorts. I have a pair of white ones like these that are sadly starting to get a little too tight. Please don't pair these shorts with the shoes pictured. (Gap) Here's another style of bermuda shorts I like. More cargo-y. For a Florida girl like me, these are great with a graphic T and some cute flip flops. (Motherhood Maternity)Another spring trend is cuffed shorts. I have to say, I wasn't crazy about a lot of the looser fitting cuffed shorts I found. But these are more subtle and I want to own them. (Motherhood Maternity)

Let's talk dresses:

This little number can either be worn as a dress or a skirt. This with a colorful cardigan and some cute jewelry would be adorable and so comfy, no? If you're going to wear it as a skirt, pair it with a snug fitting top. Loosy flowy skirt + loosy flowy top = hugeness. (Nordstrom)This wrap dress combines a few spring trends: knots, draping, and bright colors. I want it to be miiine. (Nordstrom)And finally, the maxi dress. Oh how I am coveting this dress. I'd pair it with a little cardi and some colorful accessories. I'm thinking plum. It could also be belted, if my stomach muscles weren't killing me these days. (Nordstrom) Go shop, spring chickens. Then I can live vicariously through you.

Freaky Friday: Awesomely Bad Fashion Inventions

I love watching the Fashion Week footage and seeing all of the crazy stuff designers roll out, hoping that it'll be the next big things. Unfortunately, there is only one Crocs, so I'm afraid the "crazy ugly thing that regular people think they like" spot has been filled. So, all of the other weirdo fashion inventions end up in the bargain bin at the Pick n' Save. Luckily, they are preserved for all time on the Internets. Yay for you AND me!



Hey, I've only had two children in what I THOUGHT was a normal labor and delivery. But maybe I was doing it wrong? This looks much easier. And creepier.


These pants are meant to wink at other people while you walk. Number one problem: All of these people need to go a size up, am I right? Number two problem: Calling attention to your undulating bum is bad form always. ;) (That was a wink... did it make you feel dirty?)


Thong jeans! Do you think that if a girl wore a visible thong underneath this the universe would explode?



K, so whatever, this isn't really fashion, but you put it in your pants (ew) so it's close enough. Have a special event coming up? Fill your undies with toot patches here to diffuse your irritable bowel syndrome. Also, you're super classy.


Your dog hates you. He hopes you die in your sleep and totally won't be heroic and call 911 like the dogs on tv.


The breast pillow. First of all, can I say hahahahaha? My boobs are so small that when I sleep they look like they are ignoring each other. Maybe I need a vice to crank them together?


Listen, Miley Cyrus. YOU CANNOT ALWAYS HAVE THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS. Observe the flip flop sock. It makes me sad inside.



The patch to avoid camel toe. Know another way to avoid camel toe? Stop dressing like a dirty prostitute.



Padded butt jeans. I have it under good authority that this is actually a picture of my own derriere. And I didn't see a PENNY.


Armored jeans. I kind of feel like these would be well-respected in the LARPing community. I could not love a human baby as much as I love LARPing videos on Youtube.

Well, I'm off to buy some flip flop knee sock hybrids. I hope everyone has good, yet fashion failure free weekend!

Jae Tests the Trend: The Maxi Dress

SO last week my sister in law Facebooked me to see if I would come shopping with her for a maxi dress after seeing last week's post about spring trends. So we set off on Thursday to find a maxi dress with the following criteria: 1) Must fit over her lovely lady lumps. 2) Actually, that was it. Of course, while perusing the racks I found a few things for myself. It would be sacrilege otherwise. Anyway, I've heard people say things like "I'm short, I can't wear maxi dresses" or, "I'm a jeans a tee kind of girl." This Test the Trend is proof that maxi dresses are easy to wear, totally comfy, and a good change from the same old. (PS, people who don't try new things because it isn't 'them' totally grind on me, by the way. Uh, obviously if you never try anything different, it won't be you. It doesn't exempt you, it just makes you seem like an old stick in the mud.)

Anyhow, there are some right ways to do a maxi dress, okay ways, and oh so very wrong ways to do it.

Observe.


K, this is SO WRONG. We were in our friendly neighborhood Forever 21 and kept grabbing things that we THOUGHT were maxi dresses, but were really maxi pantsuits and horrendously scary. Here I am sacrificing myself YET AGAIN for you people, to show you just how crotch-tastic this thing is. So bad. And it had like, a triple leather belt for maximum drama. I felt very "Dallas" in this outfit. Also, we were laughing and making fun of it while taking my picture and got the stink-eye from the dressing room worker. K, JUST BECAUSE YOU WORK THERE DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO DEFEND THE CRAPPY STUFF THEY SELL OMG. Obviously, this was left hanging neatly in the dressing room, which was more than it deserved. Also, my sister in law sent me this picture saved as CROTCHMONGER.jpg, which was fitting. It gave me an EPIC front-bum.


So this is a "meh" way of doing the maxi dress. It's oooookay I guess. I love the color, but this is a little plain jane. It also can come off as a little jumperish, regardless of how cute the dress is. I won't judge you for this per se, but I will believe you can do better. Also, the sun streaming through the windows makes me look like I've died but come back to make pottery with my old girlfriend. Wait, that's Ghost. I had to take these pics on self timer, okay? My husband vehemently opposes being any part of this blog.


Much better. Remember how we talked about maxi dresses being pregnancy-inducing? And not in the I-wanna-be-pregnant way? A cinchy belt totally helps. Now, when it comes to wearing a shirt under something, or wearing a cardi over it, I always pick wearing something over it. It doesn't mess with the aesthetic so much and gives some dimension to the outfit. Now my 5'4" frame looks tall and statuesque, even tho "maxi dresses aren't for short people". Pshhh I say. Pshhh.


I was going to post this picture so you could again see the cinchy belt doing its job and making my waist looking tiny.... but I just wanted to show off my baby. Cute right? Clearly he is not concerned about making his waist look smaller.

Anyways, really, really DO try maxi dress this season. I think you'll find that its just as easy, if not easier than jeans and a t-shirt, and easy even for people who are fashion-challenged. IT'S ONE PIECE. If you don't think you can handle putting one piece on in the morning, then you probably shouldn't be operating a computer.

Except, still do, because I like having readers. Mmmkay. I'm sorry I called you challenged.

Touchy.

Maternity Monday - What to Wear Underneath

When you get into your third trimester, it can get a little difficult to cover up. Perhaps the shirts you wore in your last pregnancy shrunk while they were in that plastic bin for the last couple of years (That's my story. It can't be that I'm just bigger this time. It just can't be.), or perhaps the maternity shirts you find in stores aren't quite long enough to cover your bump.

Whether you're trying to cover the fact that you're wearing unbuttoned jeans, hide the band on your maternity jeans, or conceal your growing belly, there are a few options you can try.

First up: The BellaBand.

While I've never personally tried one of these, I've seen them work for other women. They are advertised to work all through your pregnancy, and are offered in a few colors.

If an actual BellaBand is a little out of your budget, Target sells a cheaper version, called a BeBand:Another option is a long camisole. I'm short, (5'3"...and a half thankyouverymuch), so these work for me. They're long enough that they cover what some of my maternity shirts don't cover. The other thing I love about wearing a cami is that it helps to smooth everything out a bit. It also covers up my newly acquired preggo cleavage when I need it to. Motherhood Maternity sells inexpensive camisoles in a couple of color options:As we've established, I'm a cheapo, so I checked Ross and found maternity cami's for $5 each.

Option 3: Topless Undershirts

These are inexpensive undershirts that start just below the bra line and are long enough to cover everything you want covered. Be warned: While these work great for us preggos, be sure to buy a size bigger because they don't come in maternity sizes. These are also great for nursing moms because unlike a cami, there are no straps to worry about, and they hide more of your stomach than a belly band, so you can stay covered while you're trying to discreetly whip out the ladies.
Topless Undershirts come in tons of colors. There are even a couple of prints to choose from.

Freaky Friday: Croc Mutations

So one of my awesome readers (Hi, Lisa!) sent me a great pic that she snapped while out shopping of this horrible little Croc-seersucker abomination and it made me want to go see what the folks at Croc were up to when it came to the design of new Crocs. And since they can't leave well enough alone, there was plenty to choose from.


*Shudder) WHY.


The Crocs are mutating!! Actually, I feel like this one looks like Darkwing Duck:


Hahaha... how do I even remember Darkwing Duck? Those must have been my impressionable cartoon years.


WHY do they want to keep thinking of new ways to use plastic to make your feet ugly? These look like a chew toy.


These are new, feminized version of Crocs. Oh yeah, my husband would be ALL over those. "Hey Jae. I love the way those shoes make your cankles more pronounced. RAWR!"


You know what is feminizing? FURRY PLAID. Why would you do this to an already mannish shoe? Like, I like it... but is it lumberjacky enough?


This is in case someone doesn't know what kind of shoe you're wearing. Probably because they were living on another planet, or were encased in ice for thousands of years and resurrected by two plucky California teens. Oh wait, that's the plot of Encino Man, isn't it? HEY EVERYONE, I'M WEARING CROCS!


These were billed as shoes for the office. What office do you work at where plastic footwear is an acceptable part of the dress code? And what the is wrong with actual mary janes? Are they really that uncomfortable that you NEED them in croc form? My four year old wears mary janes. You can handle it.

Also, did you see the teeth shoes over on the fanpage? So terrifying.

Keep the Freaky Friday-spotting coming! I love seeing what people find out and about. My friend Morgs once texted me a picture of GOLD knock off Uggs. It was so bad, but it totally made my day.

Aaaaaand....

My brother impersonates Lady Gaga again. It is super awesome. Thought you fellow Gaga-Love-to-Haters would be interested!

Till tomorrow,

Jae