Maternity Monday - Dresses

One of my pregnant friends was recently complaining that all maternity dresses make her look like she's wearing a tent. This put me on a hunt for cute non-tent-like dresses. There are a lot of options out there that won't make you look much bigger than you actually are. Just stay away from this: When looking for maternity dresses an empire waist is mucho flattering. Having some tightness on your top half is the key to not looking like you're wearing a big fat muumuu. Here are a few options I found.

The Tie Dress(Nordstrom)
This dress ties in the back, which allows you to control how tight to make it under your bustline. This will give you some shape and create a nice silhouette. The big sleeves hide jiggly arms.

The Smocked Dress(A Pea in the Pod)
This one is smocked under the bustline, which makes it nice and tight. Because of the elastic band, there's no need for a tie back.

The Baby Doll Dress

(A Pea in the Pod)

Again, this is tight on the bust, making you look like you still have some kind of a figure. I love the detail on the sleeves and I think the neckline is really flattering.

The Bow Dress

(A Pea in the Pod)

I think we've established that I like a cute bow. It's so girly and sweet. I think off to the side looks best. It just adds a little eye catching detail.

And finally, my favorite, The Wrap Dress(Gap)
Very flattering to your expanding waistline. I have a black wrap dress that I love. I like that I can adjust it as my belly grows. But who styled her? Wrong shoes!

See? No tents here. Maternity dresses have come a looong way from the scary jumpers our moms once wore.

Freaky Friday: What to Wear for Family Pictures with Lady Gaga

If you've never been to the blog before, you may be confused that I am writing a post on how to dress for family pictures with Lady Gaga. (You might want to check out the posts labeled "My rivalry with Lady Gaga". She and I have been at odds for a while now.) As most of my readers already know, I have a deep-rooted annoyance for her. While I find her songs catchy, I find her indulgent and confusing, and I generally think her dressing like a weird whackadoo is a bigger contributor to her success than her nonsensical albeit catchy music. I heard her say in an interview that the last thing teenage girls need is another pop singer writing naked in the sand, but somehow a pop singer danging with nipple tassels and a g-string in a jail is better? Like whatever, dress like a crazy person, but acknowledge that it's the only reason anyone is interested.

Oh, and if you are a Gaga lover, don't fear. I do like the music and you will fully here me singing along with "Telephone". But before you tell me she's an artist, look up the lyrics to all of her songs. So deep.

Also, don't come here and try to defend her fashion choices. Unless you are willing to go to a party with a bejeweled lobster on your head, I won't listen to you. It's not real life. And this is How Not to Dress Like a Mom; not, How Not to Dress Like a Functioning Person in Society. Wrong website.

My friend Sara gave me the idea to do a post about dressing Lady Gaga for her own family pictures, but since I can only assume she was hatched from a pod, I don't think she has family. Either that or they are now annoyed at her and don't want her to come to Thanksgiving dinner dressed as a sexy bikini turkey with gemstone wings and a beak made of real giblets. (Dressing as a pilgrim would have been too literal.)

But, if for some reason the Gaga shows up at YOUR house for family pictures, use this Freaky Friday post to know what to wear so she doesn't look out of place


Of course, you'll need a $800 fabric crown to show everyone the ridiculous things you spend your money on when there are people starving in Haiti. And who wouldn't want to wear a fabric crown as a hat? I think my husband will love it.


A parasol for no reason, indoors. I actually think that this parasol is the most adorable thing of life. To really Gaga it up, pour some blood on it and wear it as an accessory. ("I'd like a single plum, floating in perfume, served in a man's hat." Anyone??)


Definitely wear some creepy open toed stud boots that for some reason, remind me of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Extra points if they are knee high.


Don't you dare even think about wearing pants! FOR SHAME. Shiny vinyl bodysuits make your bajingo smile. Ask Gaga; we've had more than enough opportunities to see her happy lady parts. She must be doing something right!

Use these futuristic glasses when you don't think Kanye West's shutter glasses douch-ey enough.

And of course, don't forget to finish the whole ensemble with a hair bow. Because if there's anything living with a short haired boxer-rottweiler mix has taught me, it's that EVERYTHING looks better when covered in hair.

Carry a gold teacup the entire time. It ups the "artistic nature" of the picture. I think. I don't know.



As a demonstration, here is a picture of my family with Lady Gaga. I think she fits in really nice and we definitely look just the right balance of coordinated and stupid.

Guess what? Photoshopping with Gaga is fun. Let's do it again sometime.

What to Wear: For Family Pictures

I put the question of what today's post should be to my Facebook fans (PS, if you haven't joined yet, please do so here. It's fun, I promise. We discuss things like my hatred of Lady Gaga's clothes, and how I wore knee high boots the day after I gave birth. It's good times) Anyhow, the majority of people wanted to see a post about family pictures, with wedding wear and more Gaga following. Luckily, I'm planning to be around for a while. I also have some good posts coming up about wearing maxi dresses and trends without looking like an idiot. YAY!

Oh, family pictures. Remember how AWFUL they used to be? STORY TIME! My mom and her sister are very close, so we grew up with our cousins like siblings. Which is good because brothers I have (four of them! Any takers?) sisters I have not, and my cousin Kelly is the best stand-in sister ever. HOWEVER, when I was eight, my mom and aunt decided to do family pictures, and dressed me and Kelly, who is ten years older than me, in the same clothes. She was 18. We both were wearing floral dresses with giant collars.

Aaaaand I had a lazy eye.

OF COURSE my childhood lazy eye would kick in whenever pictures were taken, so after a long night of family picture taking, all of the takes looked like I was looking in the wrong direction. Oh how I wish I had a scanned copy of those pictures. There is still one hanging in my parent's living room. It mocks me.

My point is that the days of matching outfits is far over, and there is literally no excuse for dressing an 18 year old and an eight year old in the same clothes. Ever.

Remember this type of portrait gear?

Denim! And khaki! And white bread! And barefoot, natch. This is so boring. And I am NOT posting where to get these clothes. SHame on you. Although I will say that those fug capris are like $300. What is the world coming to?

When dressing your family for family pictures, you have to walk a fine line between "matching" and "coordinating". Are you following me? My general rule is to pick a palette of three colors with white and black being free colors. Got it? Then you have a general idea of the colors without jamming a theme down your photographer's throat.

Like so:

Items in this set:
Cable Knit Shawl Collar Cardigan, 125 GBP
3/4 Rib Cardigan - Teen Clothing by Wet Seal, $9.50
!iT Jeans Belle Stretch Jean, $74
BKE Tyler Jean, $73
Gap Loose fit whiskered dark jeans, $33

K, this is something I envision for a more conservative family. Here I chose gray, navy and pink as the palette, with white as the free color that didn't matter. Do you see how much more cohesive, yet not vomit-inducing something like this is? What's more, it won't make your husband hate you. He can thank me later. Preferably with money. I think these types of outfit would work best in a more natural, traditional type setting. Although I always think family pictures in the forest are weird. It's like "Oh hey, you just caught us hiking through the woods in matching denim shirts. Would you like to take a photo of us? I'll hang it on the wall."

Oh, also, heels are wonderful for family pics, k? They makes your legs look miles long and thinner. Flats are cute too, but it you're going for the max, do heels. And no sneakers for you, even if I do think they are adorable on men and boys. You're not going to the gym, thanks.

Now, if you are a little more of a sassy family, despite all of the people who tell you otherwise, you CAN do a print in a family picture. Most people feel safer with solids, but I feel like a spunkier family would be so cute in a few scattered print. The trick to doing prints in family pictures is to keep it very bold, very graphic and very simple. We are talking black and white here, people. Check it.

Items in this set:
BKE Emery Cove Polo, $33
Pleated Jabot Knit Top, $20
Microbe by Miss Grant Black Tutu Skirt Childrensalon, 41 GBP
Gap Loose fit whiskered dark jeans, $33
stripe full skirt, 25 GBP

So I utilized my favorite black, white and yellow palette. See how the only pattern is on the skirt? It makes it a graphic focal point without totally ruining the picture. This type of set-up would look gorgeous in a more urban setting. I'm thinking concrete, brick, wrought iron type stuff. The last family picture we had done with my brothers, we'd all agreed to wear solid shirts. My oldest brother SOMEHOW misunderstood it, and showed up in a printed shirt. It was Photoshopped out. If you're going to do prints, make sure they look ON PURPOSE by coordinating with the rest of the fam. Otherwise, your family will yell at you for a while and your photographer will charge you extra for touch ups.

Make sure that whatever you talk your family into wearing that it is comfortable and looks good. Before the shoot, lay all of your clothes out on the floor. If you notice something off, a shade that isn't right or something that stands out too much, you can replace it before getting 100 pricey prints. Also, it's a good idea to talk to your photographer beforehand to see what he or she prefers, and where the pics are going to be done.

Alright, deep breaths then everyone. Spring is upon us. It is time to frolic through the forest looking neat and cohesive and take pictures for posterity!

Maternity Monday - Post Partum Secrets

Back in my working days, before I had kids, I knew a beautiful little pixie of a girl. I would have sworn the girl was a single college student, so when she told me she was actually a mother of two, I thought, "What?? How?? But your stomach is flatter than mine!" I hadn't experienced childbirth yet and assumed that having kids meant saying goodbye to your girlish figure forever. I asked little miss pixie one word: How? And she responded with one word: Girdle.

Okay, so here's my disclaimer: I am not a doctor and have no idea if what I'm about to tell you is actually a terrible idea. This is just what I do. Well, me and little miss pixie.

This beautiful girl I speak of had c-sections. She didn't let that stop her from wearing a girdle, so neither did I. I actually found that being held in made me feel better during my recovery. But for some, it might be really uncomfortable. Just a warning.

In my search to find non-scary pictures of girdles for you, I discovered that not only do they make girdles specifically for post partum tummies, but they even make c-section girdles. All the pictures I found of them were a little scary, but they basically look like this:

sensationalshapewear.com

That's one option. As you lose the weight, you pull the snaps a little tighter. I've never tried this kind.

Here's the first girdle I got after my first son was born. It was so so. It gave me some killer saddle bags and who doesn't want that? So attractive. Plus it was really annoying to go to the bathroom.

spanx.com

This is the type I ended up using the most. No saddle bags, held in tummy, and even some booty lift. Nice! But there was still the annoying problem of going to the bathroom.

spanx.com

Now they make girdles just like the two above, but with snaps in the...um....bathroom going area. Like a onesie. Sorry, but I wasn't going to post pictures of that. I have a friend who is currently using that kind and she's really happy with it. So that's what I'm going to try this go around.

Actual Spanx are a little pricey for me, so I just buy whatever brand of girdle I can find at places like Target or Kohl's. Even though you can do an online search of post partum girdles, I just buy regular girdles in a size or two bigger than my normal size. I love that it holds in and smooths out my bumpy, doughy, post partum tummy, and they're totally ideal for Plus Size Maternity. I usually use mine for several weeks until my stomach starts to look somewhat normal again.


This may sound like crazy talk to some of you, but for those of you wanting to try it, the three pictures above aren't the only styles to choose from. There are all different kinds. Try what you think will work best for you.


Did I lose you all?

Freaky Friday

Happy Friday everyone! I wake up every Friday morning overjoyed that I get to search the depths of online clearance bins everywhere to bring you the very best in crappy fashion. I take my responsibility very seriously, and have an entire folder on my computer dedicated to it. It makes my eyes bleed.

On to the freakiness!


I'm sorry, but what am I even looking at here? It looks like these stilettos are wearing a scarf. But one of those weird scarves that everyone used to have in the 80s that made them look like they had llama necks.


Next stop, spinsterhood! (Look closely. Those are dogs and cats on that bag. And ti comes with a matching photo album so you can show people just how desperate and lonely you are.)


I don't care who you are, who made them and how much they cost. Clogs are ugly. They are coming back. I want to hide.


Um, but where would one wear a blue, purple and turquoise flamenco dress? It's hardly wedding appropriate, is it?


Here's a quick hint: If the description of the item uses the words "Band Jacket" at any time, step away. Band wasn't cool when you were 14, and it definitely is not cool now. (The acid wash jeans are primo, though. WHO STYLED THIS WOMAN?)


But why, weird denim outfit with unnecessary chiffon middle, why were you on clearance?


Is it me, or are these leggings extra scary? Graffiti is for buildings, not your scary stretch pants.


Basic rule #4,663. If your child wears something called a "romper", it is not for you to wear one too. Unless you like sharing clothes with your 18 month baby boy Also, you WILL have to get naked every time you go pee. Is it worth it? No. Hey! I wonder if they could make this with snaps up the leg like your baby's? Sure it might be awkward, but so much more convenient for diaper changes, am I right?

Alright, I'm outtie for the weekend. I put myself on a "shopping diet" after my huge lapse in judgment while in Canada, but that was TWO WHOLE WEEKS ago. Brutal.

The Skinny on Dressing Skinny

Oh I am ever so clever with my titles! So, I admit it. I don't have the perfect body. I very much want one but no can do. For one, have no will power. I come from a long line of buy-exercise-videos -but-never-user-them types. In fact, I have Turbo Jam sitting on my T.V. right now. That Chalene is a mean lady. So just because of that, I likely won't be an infomercial success story (although I really, really love infomercials.) But it's totally okay, because I know how to dress skinny, even when I'm not feeling so skinny.

The basis of fashion in general is all about proportion; fooling the eye to make you seem like you have the ideal body type. More often than not, the hourglass shape is considered ideal, thank you Marilyn Monroe. Wouldn't it be awesome if everyone wanted a pear shape and was like "OMG have you seen my butt? It is so tiny. I hate my life." But alas, hourglass it is. The good thing about an hourglass shape is that it's pretty easy to replicate. I've got five outfits here that demonstrate five principles of making your clothes do the work that Turbo Jam tries to make you do. Ha! I've beaten the system!

Old Rule #1: Wearing All Black is Slimming.

Items in this set:
Heavenly Couture- White & Charcoal Pinstriped Tank, $15
Waterfall Twill Jacket - Jackets - New Look, 25 GBP
ASOS Leather Pointed Strapped Shoe, $37
Tracy Reese 'Tunisia' Medium Satchel Handbag, $30
Sequin Beaded Long Multi Strand Necklace, $98

New Rule #1: Monochromatic Color in General Will Make You Look Skinnier.

I see someone wearing all black and immediately think "INSECURE!" because someone, bless their hearts, gave the advice that all black is slimming, albeit very depressing. But you can achieve the same result with just about any color if you do similar shades all the way up and down. And then you can add punches of color in your accessories so it's not boring. Monochromatic works because it fools the eye into not seeing any breaks. You're just one tall drink of fashionable water.

Old Rule #2: Hiding in Bulky Clothes Makes You Look Thin

Items in this set:
Crochet Open Cardigan, $30
Popcorn Romance Tank - Teen Clothing by Wet Seal, $22
Gap Petite Womens Houndstooth Hip-Slung Pants, $30
Slouch Shoulder Bag, $33
Bonjour Eiffel Tower Earrings

New Rule #2: Long Accessories Can Thin You Out

How much do I love an open-front cardigan? They make me so happy. The point here is to choose long and drapey accessories over thick and bulky to draw the eye up and down your body. The scarf can help hide any imperfections, while the cardigan gives the illusion of height and a very tiny middle. Two extra points if you belt the entire thing to show off a tiny waist for a pretty much perfect hourglass.

Old Rule #3: Loose Jeans Hide Your Chubbies

Items in this set:
Old Navy Womens Belted Boyfriend Cardigans, $30
Old Navy Womens The Diva Demi Boot-Cut Jeans, $35
Women's shoes/bags: Nine West Barbe - Purple suede, $50
Quilted Stud Handbag, $25
Stone Set Beauty Ring, 16 GBP

New Rule #3: Closer Cut Clothes Hold Your Chubbies IN

Loose clothes make me sad, but so do uber-tight ones. The truth is, when you feel uncomfortable about your body, the last thing that you want is sausage casing pointing at your love handles. When in doubt, go a size up. A well fitting cardi with LONG bootcut jeans worn with decent heels = instant svelteness.

Old Rule #4: Patterns are Bad, Solids are Good

Items in this set:
BCBG Max Azria - Colorblock Top (Multi) - Apparel, $88
Cropped Shrug, $15
Black stripe wide leg trousers, 28 GBP
Women's shoes/bags: Two Lips Marilyn - Tan, $25
Moschino Borsa Tracolla 'Ruffle' Handbag, $75

New Rule #4: Color Blocking is Your Friend

Big, graphic swatches of color, especially in a diagonal or horizontal pattern are your friend. They conceal without being fuddy duddy or obvious. By the by, trouser pants are also super slimming. Find the kind with the large tab-top waist band and you will be in love forever, I promise. PS I totally pine for that red bag!

Old Rule #5: Flowy Dresses Hide Your Flaws

Items in this set:
French Connection Little Black Dress, 47 GBP
Ruffle Front Shift Dress, 60 GBP
Tatianna Halter Dress, $50
Bowtie, $50
Platform Pumps, $25

New Rule #5: Structured LBD's Make You Look Like a Hot Mama

If you're really looking for a good dress, chose one with tones of structure on the top. We're talking seaming and panels, whatever. Then choose the bottom for your body type. Pear shapes, go with fitted on the top and a-line on the bottom. Boy shapes, choose frilly goodness. And the center sheath is universally flattering. Add a really good pump and suddenly you have legs for days and are neatly tucked into a dress that puts everything where it needs to be.

Also, aside from the LBDs, check out the sizes on the bags. They are larger than your every day type. If I've said it once, I'll say it again; bags can make you look smaller. Choose a nice roomy one so you look polished AND skinny.

Remember that clothes are your friend. Instead of using them to hide your body, use them to enhance your body so it looks proportionate and you feel sex-ay.

Giveaway Winner!

Alllllllright, I've got the name of the giveaway winner. From Random.org, the winner iiiiiiisssssss:

BEQUI!

Bequi, shoot me an email at nomoremomjeans at gmail dot com to claim your prize. You've got 48 hours. Congrats, lady!

Thanks to everyone for entering. I love love loved doing a giveaway and will definitely do more. And thanks for joining the facebook page. Isn't is pretty and shiny? It's so awesome to be able to communicate with all of you. And it gives me an excuse to be on facebook more than I already am.

My husband thanks you.