Freaky Friday: Designer Finds

IT IS STILL TECHNICALLY FRIDAY! Forgive my late posting, I had some Valentine's Day things to attend to today. Namely receiving gifts from my husband, and trotting off to the mall to find that to my dismay, one pound of chocolate dipped strawberries would cost me $15 and I resolved to make them myself instead. I was craving them the other day, and NO JOKE, after surveying the state of my fridge, I ended up dipping raspberries in chocolate pudding and feeling very sorry for myself indeed.

Anyhow, I just got home from the movies and thought, for a laugh, I'd go through some of the most expensive designer items and see what freaky friday goodness I could find. Guess what? It was shockingly simple. For kicks, everything on this page is over $1,000 and HORRIBLE.


Exhibit A: A $4,000 jewel encrusted purse. Exhibit B: My ridiculous looking mini-schnauzer. She only cost $450, and is a living, breathing MAMMAL. Plus she looks better in a butterfly costume.

I KNOW.


I have been trying to think of what purpose this monkey dress serves. The best I could come up with is to wear it when you have really bad PMS. Ain't no one gonna mess with you. You are wearing teeth. On your boobs.


This jacket looks like the inhabitants of Fraggle Rock and the Muppets got a little tipsy at a bad frat party, made out and ended up barfing in the same bathroom. Hideous, yet smells like Fruit Loops.


No, go ahead and rub your eyes again. You are looking at a leather skirt ATTACHED to cashmere bloomers for a cool $2,000. It's a steal! I swear, I tried to make this clickable, because who isn;t always looking for the perfect pair of bloomers, but alas I cannot reveal my sources.


Yup. Wear this. You're guaranteed to be beat up. By me.



Ah! Ah! Wear this with the gorilla dress! Please? Oh it would be so perfect. Who can I get to wear this perfect combination? Oh Ladyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!


Like, this suit was okay, I can get on board with a print, cute cut and the OH SWEET MOTHER WHY ARE THERE TISSUE PAPER SQUARES SQUIDGING OUT THE BOTTOM? What will the kindergartners use for Mother's Day crafts??


Okay, weird nautical shoulder flappy pocket dress.


OKAY! Crazy designer shoe roundup!!!


A weird '80s sweater which I'm fairly sure I owned.


Wicker chairs at my grandmother's house.


Aaaaand cheap office furniture from Wal-Mart.

Thanks, designers, for reminding me that anyone will buy your overpriced and whackadoodle crap as long as your gold studded name is stamped on it somewhere.

Vertically Challenged

So, let's face it. I'll never be on America's Next Top Model. Even the one that they had for short people, I'm fairly sure I would be too little still. At a staggering 5'4", I've learned that the fashion world is not kind to those who don't tower over their peers. Sadness.

I received a really good question from a reader who shared in my frustration. And while she was short, she felt like she had to wear longer shirts to mask the dreaded mummy tummy, making her look only shorter. Boo. I FEEL YOUR PAIN.

Luckily, there are a lot of "work arounds" for this type of thing. Let me tell you right now, I am the queen of all "work arounds". You know, like when something doesn't work right away you find another way to do it? Once upon a time I worked in e-commerce, and I swear my boss kept me on for the sole purpose that I never asked him how to do anything. I would just make up my own way. Process is silly.

It's also the reason I suck at math.

But I digress. Just because you're not an amazon lady doesn't mean you can't have great style. And what's more, you can use it to your advantage to make you look a whole inch taller. While I prefer the four inch heel method, you can even do it in flats, all while camouflaging your less than perfect parts. Ignore all fashion made for models and find stuff for REAL, LIVE people. Plus, have you seen this ? You don't want to look like that anyway. If you thought your playgroup buddies judged you harshly before, show up looking like the corpse bride and see what they think.

WHAT DID YOU EVER DO WITHOUT ME?

AND! I found out that my neato Polyvore tool for making outfits can also give you clickable links to find the items. Soooo get out your wallets, ladies!

Items in this set:
Chiffon Ruffle Tie Top - Women's Clothing and Apparel - Chic Dresses,..., $49
Indigo bootcut jeans, 15 GBP
Sexy! Red Classic Pointed Toe Pumps - Special Occasion, $20
Cole Haan 'Whitney' Zip Hobo Handbag
Jessica Simpson - Leather and Chains Cuff Bracelet (Rust Leather) -..., $48

So why does this work? A few reasons. The shirt is totally embellished and frilly so it covers up problem areas without being fuddy duddy. It stops at the hips, where you get a loooong leg line thanks to bootcut jeans and a pointy toe shoes. Pointy toes extend the foot longer, making the whole effect sleeker so you look statuesque. Plus, how awesome is red and yellow together? Ugh it makes me feel springy and lovely.

Items in this set:
Womens AE Flocked Dot Shirt - White, $35
Grey dog tooth pencil skirt, 23 GBP
Violet glitter platform peep toe shoes, 18 GBP
Carlotta's Large Oval Black Onyx Cocktail Ring, $48
Betsey Johnson - Vintage Vicky Crystal Bow Pendant (Crystal) - Jewelry, $41

Alright, well it's no secret that I have a violent love affair with pencil skirts, but it is my secret that I totally use them to look taller. Because they sit so much higher on the waist, they make the leg line look insanely long. Paired with a cute pump, you get major height. What's more, pencil skirts are a mom's best friend EVER. They flatter everyone and lock your body into this totally flattering, hourglass pin-up girl shape.

Items in this set:
Crochet Cardigan W/ Sash, $35
Womens AE Cut It Out Cami - Dockside Blue, $25
Indigo wide leg jeans, 20 GBP
Monsoon Accessorize - Pleated Satin Ballerina Pumps, 15 GBP
Candice Large Plaid Tote, $16

K, last one. This one is so flattering and easy for running errands or whatever. The cardigan (which I am SO buying) brings your waistline nice and high, and then camouflages imperfections with an attention grabbing satin bow. Pair it with a same-color shirt underneath and your top half looks TINY. Then, trouser jeans. I just bought a pair of trousers from the Gap and oh, how I love them. Paired with flats, it is the best way to look put together, without too much work. I mean, anyone can handle three pieces in the morning.

So, even if Tyra Banks would give you the boot (and who cares anyway? Girlfriend is RIDICULOUS) you can still look hot and put together. The cardigan might have drool on it, and there's likely diapers in your sweet satchel, but no one needs to know but you.

Freaky Friday

Shockingly, it was very easy to find clothes for today's posts. Either I'm becoming increasingly cynical or fashion is becoming increasingly unfortunate. I guess either way my life becomes easier. Hooray for cynicism!


There is so much going on here! Farm plaid slash clown collar slash baglady loose slash French flair? PS for future reference: berets. Always lame.


K, there is good leopard and bad leopard, and this is co very very bad. Another example of something that reminds me of my friend's boozy mom in her leather bustier. *shudder*


Story time! So when we were in the NICU, I had this fantastic occupational therapist that would come in and work on my son's release timeline and help me with breastfeeding. And the first time I worked with her, I hated her. She talked really close, spat a little when she talked, made weird mewing noises when she watched me nurse, and complimented my nipples. I KNOW, RIGHT? Anyway, long story short, I grew to adore her but never quite got over how eccentric and odd she was. My point? She had a shirt just like this. And wore it every day. AND SHE WAS WEIRD. So, we can deduce that in wearing oddly long denim shirts with rounded collars, people will believe that you are also weird.


I really feel like these pants don't need an explanation. If you don't know that these are bad, all of my blogging has been in vain.


Again! Leopard! This just SMACKS of single ladies night down at the Kitten Club; a hip place for middle-aged singles.


Well, why NOT have a purple shirt with an elastic arm band and puffy sleeves? Of course! It doesn't make you look disproportionate and giraffe-necked at all!
(or, But I don't want to be a pirate!)


I wonder how one even shops for something like this.
Saleslady: Hi, can I help you with something?
Shopper: Yes, actually. I'm looking for something large, shapeless, perhaps with a completely unnecessary hood. Appliqued sleeves would be a bonus."
Saleslady: Oh! Hmm. You know what? We just had something come in. What about this.
Shopper: Almost. I was just hoping you'd have it in a cat-lady blue.
Saleslady: You're in luck! We do have one.
Shopper: Oh, bless your heart. I tell you, I have had the hardest time finding clothing to hide my body in every way possible. Sometimes I feel like I just look too SKINNY. I need more HEFT.
Saleslady: Oh, honey, we all have those days. That'll be $60.

What to Wear: To the Gym

I know, I know. You're all like "Jae! I don't need to look nice at the gym omg will you lay off the fashion juice for two seconds and LET ME WEAR SWEATS???" and I hear you, I totally do. But I contend that acceptable workout gear will actually make you feel skinnier.

Here's my theory. So when you go to the gym wearing your hubby's sweats and your over-sized shirt from BAND CAMP, you're all sloth-like and hiding under your clothes, right? Like the whole POINT of gym wear is to be comfortable, so why not wear the largest clothes you own, right? WRONG.

See, if there's anything I've learned from my love affair with pilates, is that you get more out of a work out when you keep your abs pulled in and your body tucked...

...which is exactly what will happen anyway when you wear form-fitting gym clothes. You don't want to be the chubby girl, so you suck it in on the treadmill, and VOILA! suddenly your cardio workout is even more effective.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

Seriously though, it makes me sad to see sloppy dressers at the gym. When I have cute gym clothes, it motivates me to work out even more, because I've spent money on the dumb stuff, I might as well wear it. What's more, these are clothes that you can run errands in before hitting the gym, so you can multi-task with your five minutes of freedom for the day.

Put some thought into what you wear to workout in. Does it make you feel good? Does it make your body look good? Will you actually wear it?

Choose clothes that are functional, comfortable and dare I say it: pretty. That way you don't have to spend the whole gym session avoiding the 80 foot mirrors lining all the walls.

Hey! Check out my new outfit making tool just for you! Now I can put them together in ensembles so you can see my vision a little more clearly. I'm actually way more excited about this than I should be, and plan on spending countless hours playing around with it. LOVE!!


If you don't have the world's hottest body just yet, head to the gym in something fashionable but loose-fitting so you can breath. The top is by Gap, the pants and hoodie by Old Navy, the bag by Nordstrom, while the shoes can be anything you want. I don't care if your gym shoes are ugly .These ones are New Balance.

As you progress in your fitness goals, buy yourself new gym wear to keep yourself motivated. TOTALLY an investment in yourself, and I flipping love this outfit. Bra by Nike, hoodie by Victoria's Secret, pants are Old Navy, the bag is Kipling, and the shoes Nike.

I LOVE Stella McCartney's entire Adidas line... all of these pieces are from it. I own a couple pieces and they are awesome for working up a sweat because of the material. It totally helps that they are distinctive and adorable too, right? Like hey muscular meathead. You can totally ogle my body while I do crunches if you want, no worries.

If you're not sure wear to look for gym clothes and don't want to spend a ton, try Old Navy or a Nike outlet store. Sports stores like Gart or Dick's (tee hee) will also have a ton of good stuff for runners and gymrats, and runner's specialty stores are awesome too.

Try and see if it doesn't make you want to head to the gym in all your hotness and glory.

Okay, well now she's just messing with me...

Because WHY ELSE would she sing at the Grammys looking like a deranged Tinkerbell on smack? It's like she's pointing at me and saying "FU Jae. This outfit and my psychotic shenanigans are the only way I keep myself and my music relevant so you can shove it."

All I can say is that on the bright side, at least we know she waxes.

Freaky Friday: Winter Clearance

Did I tell you guys what happened to me a week or two ago? So, I was heading out on my usual Friday shopping excursion when my in laws called to see if they could take the kids for the afternoon, since they hadn't seen them in a while. Of course, I obliged. We were already ready to go so it was a quick deposit. THEN I went and had lunch with my adorable husband. AND THEN!! When I got to the mall, I found out they were having a sidewalk sale. I think there was a beam of light shining down on me and the angel's chorus was singing, because I had to have been living righteously for all those stars to align.

But oh, winter clearance. How you delight me and pain me at the same time. Perfect time to get new sweaters (I bought a TON of those comfy drapey ones and they make me SO happy) but such a bad, bad time for getting rid of kookoo merchandise that no one would ever wear. Like these:


K, so apparently this Twilight line didn't sell very well because EVERY piece was on 50% off. What I don't get is this: I kind of understand the "Team Whatever" shirts, but this makes no sense. No one will even get the shirt, and you just look like a weirdo. Slash, if you are a mom, you'll also look like a pedophile. I like Twilight as much as the next girl, but the other day I watched it on Starz at home for the first time, and without all the screaming girls and buttery popcorn, it's a stupid movie. For more fun, check out this article here on the Oatmeal. Also, check out "Why Printers Were Sent from Hell" and "Good Reasons to Punch a Dolphin in the Mouth". LOVE.



Um... okay... Fur vests were quite popular during the winter. But ballsy, capey ones? They are a cool 40% off because no one likes them and thinks you're douchey for wearing them.



*Taps model on the shoulder* "Um, miss? I don't want to alarm you, but.... *glances around awkwardly* You have a zebra chewing on your breast."



Does this not remind you of bad maternity clothes i nthe early 90s? Like everything was huge and swingy and had like, a sailor collar? AWFUL. The worst part about this one is that it's 30% off and still is over $100.



On the bright side (PUN VERY MUCH INTENDED) you can also help to direct traffic.


Why do these scary leggings have drapery tassels on the bottom? If I saw someone wearing these I would be so tempted to step on them to see if I could make her trip. I'll be honest; I'm not a nice person.



OMGGGGG can I explain my hatred for these AWFUL headbands? Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE around here owns one. And I have yet to see someone NOT look homeless while wearing one. What's with the giantness of it? It looks like a regular hat with the top cut off. JUST WEAR A HAT. Okay, you know what? I am getting too heated. I must step away from the picture and go look at my shoes or something. Just letting you know, these are very much on winter clearance. Because they are horrible.

Shape Up or Ship Out

Deep breath.

Today, I am going to talk to you about something that usually moms don't want to talk about. They'd like to seem effortlessly skinny after having babies, like everyone in Hollywood. "I don't even work out!" they say. The weight just falls off, right?

Um, that would be WRONG. Thanks again, Angelina Jolie for perpetuating that awesome lie that makes regular people all over the world feel dumpy after having a baby. I do, however, nurture a serious girl crish on Jennifer Garner, for the sole reason that when asked how she got rid of the baby weight said "I had to get my biscuit on the treadmill like EVERYONE ELSE." Love you, JenGar. Let's hang out.

Anyway, want to know the real reason your fave celebs look so good after popping out quintuplets or whatever they're doing nowadays? SHAPEWEAR. Yeah. You heard me right. They are all wearing Spanx. No matter how hard they try to act like they were just born into the bodies of goddesses, they have shapewear on under those Oscar gowns. Do you know how I know that?

No belly button. Even the skinniest person will show a belly button indentation when wearing tight clothes. Celebs never have that. Because they are wearing their tighties underneath.

Luckily, shapewear is available for mere mortals to purchase, and it can give you a much need silhouette boost in certain outfits.

I'll admit it. I am pretty small framed and generally like my body. But I own one brown jersey dress that I will absolutely not wear without a shapewear cami underneath. IT CLINGS. I feel naked and lumpy and ribby without it. I think most women feel ashamed when they have to wear shapewear or feel like it's cheating. The truth is, some clothes just won't look good without it. And honestly, it is awesome in the first three months after having a baby.

Usually you think of shapewear and think of scary girdle type dealies that are admittedly terrifying, and they are UNCOMFORTABLE. They slip down and make you look sausagey and make you look exactly how you DON'T want to.

Luckily, new school shapewear is AH-MAZ-ING. Half of it doesn't even look like anything, and the other half is comfier and waaay more discreet.

Let's get it out there. I don't like one piece bicycle short shapewear that goes from like, your knees to your shoulders. It is a pet peeve of mine to see a lady moving around and catch glimpses of the scary nude fabric that is indicative of shapewear. Plus, your poor husbands will never get you out of it. Anyone remember that scene from Bridget Jones' Diary? Scarred me for life.

Choose your shapewear according to application and trouble spot. For instance, me. When I want to wear my very clingy jersey dress that I love, I know that I'm going to have a problem area in my tummy. Cami solves it and voila, perfect, belly button-less outfit.

Take a look at these sweet options when it comes to your dirty-little-secret shapewear.


The tube (Blissworld). This is awesome if you just want to slim your tummy under more casual wear. Good for everyday use, they'll have sticky undersides so you don't have to worry about slippage.


I love this for under a dress (Asos). Besides the fact that it slims all over, it doesn't look scary or frumpy. It'll smooth out the VPL or VBL so that you look pretty darn flawless. Anyone would just assume it's an adorable little slip. This is ideal for little wrap dresses.



Hello, lover! A slimming cami (by Spanx) is faaantastic for going under just about anything, and if you don't love layers it just looks like a regular cami and you look ridiculously tiny. I wear one under my clingy dress and it just looks like a regular layering cami. You can even make vapid remarks about how the weight just fell off and that you're lucky you have good genes.


Do double duty with pretty patterned tights (Spanx) that make your butt and legs look crazy out of this world. I was wearing something like this soon after I had my daughter, and my best friend of 20 years was like "OMG your butt looks good." In case you were wondering , yes, we do often make mildly uncomfortable remarks to each other about our general good-lookingness. Some things will never change. But the point is, tightie tights were the reason. And they are totally ADORABLE too, right?


If you're looking for the Jessica Rabbit body in your pencil skirt, pick a slimming slip like this one, also from Spanx (omg their line is incredible. Really, you must check out all the cool stuff they have.) Anyway, these will smooth out bumps and give you a crazy awesome hourglass figure that is completely enviable.

Alright, so now I've outed myself. I don't have a perfect body. Why? Because I had one kid, and then barely got my old body back before getting pregnant with twins and spending six weeks on bed rest. I don't think it will ever return to it's former glory. (Oh 17 year old me, WHY, WHY did you not appreciate your hotness more?) Instead, I have to respect it for doing it's thing, and work with what I've got. Dress the body you have NOW. It's totally fine to give it a nudge in the right direction. I promise, for once, I will not judge.