Freaky Friday

Shockingly, it was very easy to find clothes for today's posts. Either I'm becoming increasingly cynical or fashion is becoming increasingly unfortunate. I guess either way my life becomes easier. Hooray for cynicism!


There is so much going on here! Farm plaid slash clown collar slash baglady loose slash French flair? PS for future reference: berets. Always lame.


K, there is good leopard and bad leopard, and this is co very very bad. Another example of something that reminds me of my friend's boozy mom in her leather bustier. *shudder*


Story time! So when we were in the NICU, I had this fantastic occupational therapist that would come in and work on my son's release timeline and help me with breastfeeding. And the first time I worked with her, I hated her. She talked really close, spat a little when she talked, made weird mewing noises when she watched me nurse, and complimented my nipples. I KNOW, RIGHT? Anyway, long story short, I grew to adore her but never quite got over how eccentric and odd she was. My point? She had a shirt just like this. And wore it every day. AND SHE WAS WEIRD. So, we can deduce that in wearing oddly long denim shirts with rounded collars, people will believe that you are also weird.


I really feel like these pants don't need an explanation. If you don't know that these are bad, all of my blogging has been in vain.


Again! Leopard! This just SMACKS of single ladies night down at the Kitten Club; a hip place for middle-aged singles.


Well, why NOT have a purple shirt with an elastic arm band and puffy sleeves? Of course! It doesn't make you look disproportionate and giraffe-necked at all!
(or, But I don't want to be a pirate!)


I wonder how one even shops for something like this.
Saleslady: Hi, can I help you with something?
Shopper: Yes, actually. I'm looking for something large, shapeless, perhaps with a completely unnecessary hood. Appliqued sleeves would be a bonus."
Saleslady: Oh! Hmm. You know what? We just had something come in. What about this.
Shopper: Almost. I was just hoping you'd have it in a cat-lady blue.
Saleslady: You're in luck! We do have one.
Shopper: Oh, bless your heart. I tell you, I have had the hardest time finding clothing to hide my body in every way possible. Sometimes I feel like I just look too SKINNY. I need more HEFT.
Saleslady: Oh, honey, we all have those days. That'll be $60.

What to Wear: To the Gym

I know, I know. You're all like "Jae! I don't need to look nice at the gym omg will you lay off the fashion juice for two seconds and LET ME WEAR SWEATS???" and I hear you, I totally do. But I contend that acceptable workout gear will actually make you feel skinnier.

Here's my theory. So when you go to the gym wearing your hubby's sweats and your over-sized shirt from BAND CAMP, you're all sloth-like and hiding under your clothes, right? Like the whole POINT of gym wear is to be comfortable, so why not wear the largest clothes you own, right? WRONG.

See, if there's anything I've learned from my love affair with pilates, is that you get more out of a work out when you keep your abs pulled in and your body tucked...

...which is exactly what will happen anyway when you wear form-fitting gym clothes. You don't want to be the chubby girl, so you suck it in on the treadmill, and VOILA! suddenly your cardio workout is even more effective.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

Seriously though, it makes me sad to see sloppy dressers at the gym. When I have cute gym clothes, it motivates me to work out even more, because I've spent money on the dumb stuff, I might as well wear it. What's more, these are clothes that you can run errands in before hitting the gym, so you can multi-task with your five minutes of freedom for the day.

Put some thought into what you wear to workout in. Does it make you feel good? Does it make your body look good? Will you actually wear it?

Choose clothes that are functional, comfortable and dare I say it: pretty. That way you don't have to spend the whole gym session avoiding the 80 foot mirrors lining all the walls.

Hey! Check out my new outfit making tool just for you! Now I can put them together in ensembles so you can see my vision a little more clearly. I'm actually way more excited about this than I should be, and plan on spending countless hours playing around with it. LOVE!!


If you don't have the world's hottest body just yet, head to the gym in something fashionable but loose-fitting so you can breath. The top is by Gap, the pants and hoodie by Old Navy, the bag by Nordstrom, while the shoes can be anything you want. I don't care if your gym shoes are ugly .These ones are New Balance.

As you progress in your fitness goals, buy yourself new gym wear to keep yourself motivated. TOTALLY an investment in yourself, and I flipping love this outfit. Bra by Nike, hoodie by Victoria's Secret, pants are Old Navy, the bag is Kipling, and the shoes Nike.

I LOVE Stella McCartney's entire Adidas line... all of these pieces are from it. I own a couple pieces and they are awesome for working up a sweat because of the material. It totally helps that they are distinctive and adorable too, right? Like hey muscular meathead. You can totally ogle my body while I do crunches if you want, no worries.

If you're not sure wear to look for gym clothes and don't want to spend a ton, try Old Navy or a Nike outlet store. Sports stores like Gart or Dick's (tee hee) will also have a ton of good stuff for runners and gymrats, and runner's specialty stores are awesome too.

Try and see if it doesn't make you want to head to the gym in all your hotness and glory.

Okay, well now she's just messing with me...

Because WHY ELSE would she sing at the Grammys looking like a deranged Tinkerbell on smack? It's like she's pointing at me and saying "FU Jae. This outfit and my psychotic shenanigans are the only way I keep myself and my music relevant so you can shove it."

All I can say is that on the bright side, at least we know she waxes.

Freaky Friday: Winter Clearance

Did I tell you guys what happened to me a week or two ago? So, I was heading out on my usual Friday shopping excursion when my in laws called to see if they could take the kids for the afternoon, since they hadn't seen them in a while. Of course, I obliged. We were already ready to go so it was a quick deposit. THEN I went and had lunch with my adorable husband. AND THEN!! When I got to the mall, I found out they were having a sidewalk sale. I think there was a beam of light shining down on me and the angel's chorus was singing, because I had to have been living righteously for all those stars to align.

But oh, winter clearance. How you delight me and pain me at the same time. Perfect time to get new sweaters (I bought a TON of those comfy drapey ones and they make me SO happy) but such a bad, bad time for getting rid of kookoo merchandise that no one would ever wear. Like these:


K, so apparently this Twilight line didn't sell very well because EVERY piece was on 50% off. What I don't get is this: I kind of understand the "Team Whatever" shirts, but this makes no sense. No one will even get the shirt, and you just look like a weirdo. Slash, if you are a mom, you'll also look like a pedophile. I like Twilight as much as the next girl, but the other day I watched it on Starz at home for the first time, and without all the screaming girls and buttery popcorn, it's a stupid movie. For more fun, check out this article here on the Oatmeal. Also, check out "Why Printers Were Sent from Hell" and "Good Reasons to Punch a Dolphin in the Mouth". LOVE.



Um... okay... Fur vests were quite popular during the winter. But ballsy, capey ones? They are a cool 40% off because no one likes them and thinks you're douchey for wearing them.



*Taps model on the shoulder* "Um, miss? I don't want to alarm you, but.... *glances around awkwardly* You have a zebra chewing on your breast."



Does this not remind you of bad maternity clothes i nthe early 90s? Like everything was huge and swingy and had like, a sailor collar? AWFUL. The worst part about this one is that it's 30% off and still is over $100.



On the bright side (PUN VERY MUCH INTENDED) you can also help to direct traffic.


Why do these scary leggings have drapery tassels on the bottom? If I saw someone wearing these I would be so tempted to step on them to see if I could make her trip. I'll be honest; I'm not a nice person.



OMGGGGG can I explain my hatred for these AWFUL headbands? Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE around here owns one. And I have yet to see someone NOT look homeless while wearing one. What's with the giantness of it? It looks like a regular hat with the top cut off. JUST WEAR A HAT. Okay, you know what? I am getting too heated. I must step away from the picture and go look at my shoes or something. Just letting you know, these are very much on winter clearance. Because they are horrible.

Shape Up or Ship Out

Deep breath.

Today, I am going to talk to you about something that usually moms don't want to talk about. They'd like to seem effortlessly skinny after having babies, like everyone in Hollywood. "I don't even work out!" they say. The weight just falls off, right?

Um, that would be WRONG. Thanks again, Angelina Jolie for perpetuating that awesome lie that makes regular people all over the world feel dumpy after having a baby. I do, however, nurture a serious girl crish on Jennifer Garner, for the sole reason that when asked how she got rid of the baby weight said "I had to get my biscuit on the treadmill like EVERYONE ELSE." Love you, JenGar. Let's hang out.

Anyway, want to know the real reason your fave celebs look so good after popping out quintuplets or whatever they're doing nowadays? SHAPEWEAR. Yeah. You heard me right. They are all wearing Spanx. No matter how hard they try to act like they were just born into the bodies of goddesses, they have shapewear on under those Oscar gowns. Do you know how I know that?

No belly button. Even the skinniest person will show a belly button indentation when wearing tight clothes. Celebs never have that. Because they are wearing their tighties underneath.

Luckily, shapewear is available for mere mortals to purchase, and it can give you a much need silhouette boost in certain outfits.

I'll admit it. I am pretty small framed and generally like my body. But I own one brown jersey dress that I will absolutely not wear without a shapewear cami underneath. IT CLINGS. I feel naked and lumpy and ribby without it. I think most women feel ashamed when they have to wear shapewear or feel like it's cheating. The truth is, some clothes just won't look good without it. And honestly, it is awesome in the first three months after having a baby.

Usually you think of shapewear and think of scary girdle type dealies that are admittedly terrifying, and they are UNCOMFORTABLE. They slip down and make you look sausagey and make you look exactly how you DON'T want to.

Luckily, new school shapewear is AH-MAZ-ING. Half of it doesn't even look like anything, and the other half is comfier and waaay more discreet.

Let's get it out there. I don't like one piece bicycle short shapewear that goes from like, your knees to your shoulders. It is a pet peeve of mine to see a lady moving around and catch glimpses of the scary nude fabric that is indicative of shapewear. Plus, your poor husbands will never get you out of it. Anyone remember that scene from Bridget Jones' Diary? Scarred me for life.

Choose your shapewear according to application and trouble spot. For instance, me. When I want to wear my very clingy jersey dress that I love, I know that I'm going to have a problem area in my tummy. Cami solves it and voila, perfect, belly button-less outfit.

Take a look at these sweet options when it comes to your dirty-little-secret shapewear.


The tube (Blissworld). This is awesome if you just want to slim your tummy under more casual wear. Good for everyday use, they'll have sticky undersides so you don't have to worry about slippage.


I love this for under a dress (Asos). Besides the fact that it slims all over, it doesn't look scary or frumpy. It'll smooth out the VPL or VBL so that you look pretty darn flawless. Anyone would just assume it's an adorable little slip. This is ideal for little wrap dresses.



Hello, lover! A slimming cami (by Spanx) is faaantastic for going under just about anything, and if you don't love layers it just looks like a regular cami and you look ridiculously tiny. I wear one under my clingy dress and it just looks like a regular layering cami. You can even make vapid remarks about how the weight just fell off and that you're lucky you have good genes.


Do double duty with pretty patterned tights (Spanx) that make your butt and legs look crazy out of this world. I was wearing something like this soon after I had my daughter, and my best friend of 20 years was like "OMG your butt looks good." In case you were wondering , yes, we do often make mildly uncomfortable remarks to each other about our general good-lookingness. Some things will never change. But the point is, tightie tights were the reason. And they are totally ADORABLE too, right?


If you're looking for the Jessica Rabbit body in your pencil skirt, pick a slimming slip like this one, also from Spanx (omg their line is incredible. Really, you must check out all the cool stuff they have.) Anyway, these will smooth out bumps and give you a crazy awesome hourglass figure that is completely enviable.

Alright, so now I've outed myself. I don't have a perfect body. Why? Because I had one kid, and then barely got my old body back before getting pregnant with twins and spending six weeks on bed rest. I don't think it will ever return to it's former glory. (Oh 17 year old me, WHY, WHY did you not appreciate your hotness more?) Instead, I have to respect it for doing it's thing, and work with what I've got. Dress the body you have NOW. It's totally fine to give it a nudge in the right direction. I promise, for once, I will not judge.

Freaky Friday

Sorry for the late post, my friend. My schedule was all thrown off kilter this morning. And then I went shopping and bought my 81st pair of shoes. And then my husband met me for lunch and nearly murdered me in the food court. But I'm home now! And as always, on the look out for bad mom fashion.



These were listed as DENIM CAPRI CASUAL HAREM PANTS. Like, how many things are there wrong with that sentence. Besides being the ugliest capri pants ever made, they poof at the bottom. The description also said they were all the rage when it came to the harem trend. No no no no. Harem is not a trend. It is a group of concubines. Who would not be caught dead in those pants.


Apparently SOMEONE didn't read my entry about boots because there were the best seller on my secret, always know I can find bad fashion website. What? WHY? Who is buying these??



...and it's the woman that never ends. It's like she actually wanted an extra five inches on her waist. "Oh, it's just too darn small."



Have I ever told you how much I dislike unattractive people who dress up as witches, belly dancers or medieval characters on a daily basis. Doesn't this shirt just smack of weirdo, with the bell sleeves and the weird green? Ugh, I hate weirdos.




Hey, I love patterned tights as much as the next girl. But not if they make you look like you work at Hot Dog on a Stick. Or "Candy" the prostitute with a heart of gold.



Really? Strapless AND sequins AND the color of baby poo? All mothers will know that this color brings back horrible, horrible memories of the rotovirus bout in '08.




Haha. Why are women still doing this to their bodies. Why yes, I would like to seem like I have unnaturally large shoulders and very high pants, thank you!



K, so does anyone know what this is? It would be a wallet. For your BRA. So you can stuff money and credit cards down the front of your shirt. Yes, I can see where it would be helpful while traveling, but every time you go to pull out money, wouldn't you feel just the slightest bit like a stripper? Be honest.

Also, ten points to whoever can think of the best name for it. I'm thinking RackCatcher. Yes?

Jae Tests the Trend: The Boyfriend Blazer

(My inspiration - TopShop)

If you're like me, you sit in your bubble bath nightly with a glass of lemon water and peruse through your fashion magazines. Oh, what's that? You're not like me and don't do that ever? Well, you should try it. It's great.

While I look through my mags, which are in order of faves Glamour, Elle, Redbook, Jane, InStyle and occasionally Cosmo when my stomach isn't turning over their gross articles, (But never Vogue; the advertisements molest my eyes.) I see trends and think "Hey, I like that! I wonder if I could pull it off." Pulling it off is a delicate balance of confidence, body type and personal style, and so more often than not I will go shopping with the notion of a trend I want to try, to see if I actually can pull it off.

Last Friday, after looking at pictures of the new "boyfriend" style blazer; one that is longer, more oversized, tailored and casual than your usual blazer, I decided to go shopping for one. I brought along the Blackberry so I could snap pictures of the good, the bad and the ugly of my trying on clothes. (Can I point out that it makes a snapping noise when I take a picture, and I couldn't figure out how to turn it off, so EVERYONE in the dressing room could hear me? So embarrassing. They probably thought I was taking nakey pics to send to my skeezy teenage boyfriend)

This is me, providing a valuable service to you. I learned what works on a boyfriend blazer, and what so, so does not. And you get to see pictures of me looking bad in a blazer in the dressing room at Nordstrom. YOU'RE WELCOME.


This was the first one I tried on. While I didn't MIND it, I didn't love it. The first problem was that it didn't have a button, which left it hanging open all of the time and meant no locking and loading effect for a better body shape. The other thing I wasn't so sure about was the ruched sleeves. They were meant to be pushed up to the elbows but I have raptor-like arms and they just ended up looking too short. I did love the color and the fabric was awesome and very mensweary. I was very undecided - hence the "undecided" face.



The second was so, so very bad. The first thing I realized is that boyfriend blazers are cut VERY generously. While they are supposed to be more loose, I was positively swimming in this one, and it was a small. The next thing I learned was that too long is bad when when you are only 5'4". I look like I'm wearing my daddy's jacket. The last thing I learned, as references by the picture, is that rolled up sleeves make me look like Jerry Seinfeld. "What's up with BLAZERS?" Very sad.



Finally! I found a good fit. What works about this blazer over the other two? Mostly the length. It stops at the hip, so it's not cutting my body in half unnaturally across my thighs. The sleeves are a much better fit, even for someone as short armed as me. AND it featured a button, which tightens up the midsection and makes me happy. If you must know, I bought this one and left the other two hanging out in the dressing room. THUMBS UP!

PS if you're wondering why you can't see my legs in the pics, it's because I was wearing my Fryes and they totally don't go with boyfriend blazers. There's another tip for you.

So, what I learned about my experience and what you can take away from this is:
1) Watch your length. A long boyfriend blazer is great on a leggy model, not so great on a vertically challenged mother of two.
2) Make sure the sleeves fit properly. If you love the blazer anyhow and still want it, you can have them tailored to fit better.
3) Wear flats when trying on blazers. Dirty boots look out of place.

One last lesson though is to not be afraid to try on several different styles of the same trend. If I had only tried on the first blazer, I would have left empty handed (HEAVEN FORBID). That is what dressing rooms are for, ladies. You might look like Seinfeld in one outfit, but get over it, move on and don't be discouraged. Because now my perseverance in the dressing room has paid off and I have a hot new blazer.

If there's another trend you want me to test out, drop me an e-mail. I HAVE NO SHAME!