Spring Fashion for Real, Non-Weird People

K, so one of the things I missed most while in the hospital was, you guessed it, SHOPPING. Then, my dear sweet husband told me to go to the mall like, 5 days post partum. I did, and against my better judgement, tried things on. And became severely depressed. I should have waited another week or so.

Anyhoo, I did get to see all the new spring stuff that I'd missed. Now, I love spring. Spring and fall are my favourite times of year, both weather wise and fashion wise. Its when they roll out the good stuff. Now, we JUST had fashion week, so we got to see all the things that designers think that we should be wearing. A note about fashion designers. They are ANNOYING. Does anyone watch Project Runway? I mean, really, there is not a more stuck up bunch of people than designers. They can't take criticism and they think they are awesome. And they presume to tell you what to wear. How DARE they. But sometimes they come up with a good CONCEPT, even if its not viable in real life the way they have it.

So I was looking through some fashion week photos and decided to feature some stuff that looked good on the runway, but would look ridiculous on you. BUT THEN!! Save you with some suggestions on how to use the concept in real life.

There was a huge throwback to the dirty '30s from Burberry, which I think is supposed to be a cute nod to our current economic situation.

What I like: Cinched waists and trench coats. What I don't like: Flapper dresses and hats. I HATE hats. Hats always make you look like you're trying too hard.

(http://www.makemechic.com/)
Do your own throwback with a belted trench, which you can wear with a slimmer skirt and some freakin' fantastic peeptoe stacked heels. Why did I choose this trench when I featured other ones in the coat section? LENGTH. What makes this trench newer for spring is that is super feminine and meant for skirts and dresses and flirtiness. LOVE. Extra points if you get in in red.

K, next up is geometric patterns a la Dolce and Gabbana. You are never going to wear any of these outfits. Ever. Real people don't run around looking like disproportionate airline stewardesses from the '50's.

These are both geometric and cute to the nth degree. I am so loving patterns this spring, I am so over the basics of the winter, you know? Remember when picking prints, choose ones that are proportionate to your body size. That means if you're plus sized, don't choose prints that are super busy and tiny... its going to look like alot. Try a monochromatic print like the blue one above. If you're smaller, go for a bolder and more contrasting print, like the red and blue. (Both at Nordstrom.)

NExt is the grecian thing again done by YSL. I really thought we were done with all of this, after the gladiator sandal debacle of '08. But its back again. Now, look past the grecian thing and see what these designers are really going after; draping. Draping is good. It's generally very forgiving of body flaws because it basically means FABRIC. Lots of it. To hide anything.

The Gap is SO good with the draping thing. So many of their clothes are all loosey goosey, so its a good place to start. Look how cute! And see how you wouldn't ever have to worry about your mummy tummy... not that I have one or anything.....*cough*. Moving on.



Indian inspired at Ralph Lauren and Gucci!! I love love love really rich fabrics and ethnic prints. I don't love love love puffy pants. So use it as inspiration. The colors and the tunics are awesome. And not those scary mom tunics that everyone was wearing like two years ago. New school ones.

Love this for fuller figures. Such hotness!! Colour! Pattern!

New school tunic cut... much less granola eating hippy than years past. (Nordstrom)

K, finally it brings us to sportswear. When I look at the runway from Michael Kors, I'm like k, who would wear that? WHen I hear sportswear, I think of the stuff I wear when running errands, back and forth to the gym, or on Saturdays in general.

I do agree with one sentiment though. STOP LOOKING LIKE A SLOB. If you are going to wear comfy yoga clothes to run errands in, I totally understand. But don't do it in your husband's sweatpants and your band t-shirt from highschool, k? PLEASE. Because then I will judge you and THEN I'll feel bad. But its your own fault.

These pants are reeeeedonkulous (ANyone know the show thats from? Come on!) Such good bum pants for running around in. And pair it with a cute hoodie and voila! I don't hate you anymore! (Victoria's Secret)

So there you have it. Don't worry about the designers... they are so full of it they don't even realize they are making things that no one will ever wear. Just learn from their cues and look hot.

I'm Baaaaack

Did you miss me?

Saley Sale Sale

So I know its been like, a MONTH since I posted last but I'm in the hospital and super uninspired by the fashion choices here. You can hear about my pajama pants, or my take on scrubs, but neither one sound good to me.

Anyways, just popping on to say that one of my favourite stores, EXPRESS, is having a big box sale, with everything 40% the posted price. Whee. Let me tell you, remember when we talked about not looking crappy when running errands and stuff? Their featherweight tees are THE BEST for just being casual but still looking cute. Come to think of it, I am wearing an EXPRESS shirt right now. They are super long, which I love, and actually fit over my belly with their extreme perfect fittedness. Something like this is pretty adorable for every day. And they are like $5 right now. So enjoy the sale, and know that though I am bed ridden, I am still looking out for your fashion well being. If that doesn't warm your cold little hearts, I don't know what will.

Dressing Your Man

So I've received a number of e-mails about how oh yeah, dressing the mom's is all well and good, but what about my slouchy husband. K, right off the bat, guys are tricky. They seem to have a more defined style than women do. That's because women typically are open to new ideas when it comes to the fashion arena. Men, however, are not. They get stuck in obsessive ruts with their clothes, which explains why so many of them still dress like they're in senior year of high school.

So, basically what I'm saying is, I can tell you what I pick out for my husband, but this is not a one size fits all deal. I'm not going to lie, I like a certain style on guys and pretty much buy that stuff for my husband, who more often than not is happy to wear it. So if you don't have this kind of sway with your husband OR he refuses to take of his Star Wars t-shirt, then I am sorry. You're pretty much out of luck.

So anyways, here's what I like on guys.

1) Polos. Polos are not scary. Most guys will be okay with wearing them. Please watch the fit though. Some polos, no names *cough*Old Navy*cough* wash funny and can become boxy. We don't want boxy polos. Try something with a slimmer, longer fit and your poor husband won't have to be yanking it down 24/7.

2) Sweaters. Omg, I love a guy in a sweater. My favourite are the half zip ones, because then you can get your guy to wear collared shirts underneath them. Collared shirt plus half zip sweater = me love you long time. When buying sweaters for your guy, its best to err on the side of largeness because tight sweaters can come off looking the wrong way, if you know what I mean.

3) Speaking of collared shirts. Hello daddy. I love these with jeans and rolled up sleeves. They can fit a little snugger if you want, especially is you're using them as layering pieces. If it's too bulky, then its uncomfortable, and guys don't wear uncomfortable clothes. Ever. They will not suffer for fashion like we do ladies. Sorry.

4) Jackets. Your guy should have a nice, go-to jacket that he can wear on a date with you (presumably) or to a work function or just whatever. Be prepared to spend money on it. I bought my husband a wool coat like, three years a go. It was pricey, but it's nice, and what do you think he always reaches for when we're headed out? That's right, his pricey coat. I also bought him a more fun leather jacket as well. Spend money on one nice, solid piece he'll wear forever, then you can mix it up with fun pieces that cost less.

5) Jeans. Jeans for guys are so personal that I hesitate to even suggest. But I'm presumptuous like that, so can I suggest that the same thing that works for you might work for him? Bootcut. Not like ,girl bootcut because that's weird. But give him a little wiggle room. My favourite jeans for guys are the Loose Boot from the Gap or similar. Carpenters are a no-go. Unless your husband is really a carpenter. And honestly, if buying your guy jeans ALWAYS go with a dark wash k? They match literally everything.

Once you've established a basic "nice" wardrobe for your guy, then he can supplement it with whatever. I think you'll find though, that if you start him down the right path in clothing, that he'll be more apt to follow it when shopping for himself, if that ever happens. I have to drag my husband by his ear to the mall, and even then you'd think I was giving him a root canal while pointing at things I like. But I'm proud to say that he is pretty much always well dressed, except on Sundays when he wears black socks and tan shorts. WHY.

Even if you're reading this thinking "K, my husband/boyfriend/fiance/significant other will NEVER wear that stuff!" Or even if you don't particularly like it (I obviously like my husband to look very clean and tailored and to basically look like a Docker's ad) think of what you do like on guys and never underestimate the power of suggestion. Hasn't your guy ever said to you in passing that he likes something on girls so you rush out in a mad panic trying to find it so you can be the girl of his dreams? Ask me why I own this shirt in every possible color.

You guessed it. My husband "suggested" that he liked it on me. Do the same thing to him! It totally works.

So, good luck girls. Getting your husband to change the way he dresses might be kind of a feat. Not to mention, you probably fell in love with him when he was wearing his ratty Philly Eagles t-shirt right? Riiiiiiight? So buck up, buy him a nice shirt for Christmas and see what happens.

How to Wear...

So, I said in that post where I was like, making fun of every trend I've seen so that I've probably offended like half of you, that I really enjoy summer scarves. Summer scarves have been pretty big, starting in about spring of this year and I still see them all over. Now believe me, I know how ironic it is that I just badmouthed trends and now I am singing the praises of one. But there is a HA-YUGE difference between wearing a trend because everyone else is, and doing it because you really love it. Plus I see this one sticking around for another season at least.

K, here is the thing about summer scarves. Remember this: They are an accessory. Treat them as such. They are not an item to build your outfit around, if you get what I'm saying. They are meant to look a little sloppy, and a little after-thoughty. Like a pair of earrings, you kind of add them to finish off the outfit... (or at least this is how I wear earrings... .except for SE XY ones, which I do in fact plan my outfit around... I wear it with my va-jay-jay hugging stripper dress and my knee high boots, natch. Looks realllllly hot with a 6 month pregnant twin belly OW OW) So when picking out a summer scarf, its best to choose one not overbearing, so it's not like HERE'S MY SCARF!! They are supposed to look easy and whateverish.

Summer scarves are only as cute as how you wear them. You want it to look totally casual and like, whatever, instead of being like HEY I BOUGHT THIS NEW SCARF AND WANTED TO WEAR IT!!! Anywho, I have one, and the way I wear it is not matchy matchy with my outfit. Like, I honestly think the best way to wear it is with jeans and a white tee, because the pattern that close to your face can be overwhelming. Keep it super casual or it will look costumey. And unless you have short hair or are wearing your hair off of your face (read: ponytail) abstain from earrings. It's just a lot around the facial area. But I am totally cool with a sleek ponytail, scarf and some hoop type earrings. Ooh! Hot! What did I do with my hoop type earrings?

Also, I know the typical way to wear it is kind of cowgirly, but that only works if you have a smaller scarf. Again, overwhelming factor. Liiiiike So!

Cute, but thats alotta scarf!

I tend to wear mine like a regular winter scarf... you know like, you toss it back over your neck and pull then ends back around so that it would theoretically keep your neck warm, but then take the piece that is on your neck and pull it down so its more loose and a little easier looking. Here's an example. Side note, I totally just had to DIG this scarf out of my closet where it has been patiently waiting for Saturday's easy breeziness to wear it (YES I plan my clothes in my head, deal with it.) and I'll tell you right now, a foray in my closet is no easy-breeziness. It's a near death experience. I almost got a concussion from falling handbags. SEE WHAT I DO FOR YOU?

My floor is delightfully clean!

See what I did there? Notice that both scarves I chose are super neutral. If you want it to be the casual look you're trying for, make sure you don't have to work your butt off to get it to match anything in your closet. The nice thing about summer scarves is that there's no "wrong" way to tie them. Remember that this trend is supposed to look like you just threw it on and totally casual. Anything that you have to work at is going to look strangely professional, if that makes any sense...

Finally, the piece of advice I always want to give is that if you want to try a trend, then WEAR IT. Don't let it wear you. I don't care if the newest trend is to wear a plastic Timex watch band on your head with ribbon tied to it, if you really like it, don't just meekly "give it a shot". Put it on and work it like you invented it and don't understand why anyone WOULDN'T wear a plastic Timex watch band on your head with ribbon tied to it. It's pretty much the way to wear any fashion. Its clothes! Don't be scared! You can always do what I do and relegate them to the Goodwill box if they're naughty.

Its Your Lucky Day!

OMG you guys! I was surfing along the internet and lookee what I found on sale!?





YES!! Our favourite earrings from the accessories post! For only $1.99!!!! Listen, I know you're busy during the holiday season and spend all your money on other people, but lets class it up this holiday by spending $1.99 on these puppies. Also, wear them to a work cocktail party and watch all the other wives go positively GREEN with envy.

Hahahahahaha.

What I Don't Want You to Wear

K, I know it can be confusing. We see new trends rolling out 24/7 and wonder to ourselves, "Hm, I really like that. I wonder if it would work on me!" Again, I like to say to not worry too much about trends. Once you've worked out a personal style, you can add and subtract trendy pieces each season and still look like your classy self. Problem is, what trends are for you? I can guarantee that our favourite designers are not sitting in their workspaces thinking, "Gee I wonder what I can create for the sophisticated mom-on-the-go, who has exactly 3 minutes to get ready in the morning, who a or may not be accessorizing with baby barf today?" So you need to be choosy about what trends you participate in. You could totally end up looking a) weird b) old or c) both.


Again, I will also say that my personal rule on trends is to remember that fashion is cyclical. If you participated in the trend the first time around, you don't get to the second time. I'M SORRY. That's just the rule. You had your chance, now move along.

K, so with saying that, I can give you some quick alternatives to trends that aren't going to work on you. Let me also say that if there is something you LOVE and looks so super fantastic on you that your confidence soars, then buy, regardless of whatever anyone else is saying.

The Legging:
The legging has long been an enemy of mine. WHile I don't mind it on a teenage girl, I can't stand seeing a grown women with like, three kids in tow and a minivan wearing them. Honestly. They are the worrrrrrst for stumpifying your leg. Not to mention I just think it looks ridiculous, like hey! I'm the cool mom! I wear leggings, even though they aren't particularly flattering!!

But I know there are lots of outfits out there that won't work without a legging. THINK AGAIN! Anything that can be done with a legging can be done with an opaque knit tight OR some skinny jeans.


NO!


YES!

In fact, all those cute long sweaters we're seeing this season? Love it SO MUCH more with a skinny jean and slouchy boot than with a legging. It just looks cozy and totally like "Oh yeah, I totally just threw this on effortlessly to go shopping and such."


The Tapered Jean:
Oh my word I have seen so much of the tapered jean lately I want to throw up. Can we again say there is a massive difference between a tapered jean and a skinny jean? Skinny jeans are straight and cut close through the leg, while tapered jeans narrow as they descend. NARROW! WHY? So gross. I don't like anyone wearing them, ever. Can we just see how much better a standard straight leg or bootcut looks first?





Ugh, its like the tapered jean is on a personal mission to make you look disproportionate. And that's on the model. Now look at the pretty bootcut one below. Look how much better the entire line of leg looks. its long and lean and the butt looks good. LOOK AT IT! Beautiful. Hah! You totally checked out a girls butt today.


The "Pashmina" or Shawl:
K, this one befuddles me because it was made up by old ladies who get cold in church and suddenly everyone has one? Like, what do you sit at home with your cats and drink tea and read Better Homes and Gardens too? It's funny because most trends are made for younger generations, but somehow a septuagenarian snuck in there and got people to think these were a good idea. No. They look old and outdated. I remember back in like, 2001, EVERYONE was buying them. And saying the word pashmina obsessively. PASHMINA. I HAVE A PASHMINA. No, it's still a lame shawl.


Weeeeeird. Plus I don't think a scarf should have this much presence in general. Like, let it go peeps.

However, I love the gauzy summer scarves we see now. They are super versatile and way more fresh feeling than a stuffy old pashmina. And they literally go. with. everything.

Also very good fro detracting from a very pregnant belly. I KNOW! I TRIED IT!

Patterend Hoodies:
This one kind of sucks because I love a cute hoodie, and these ones ave adorable hearts and patterns on them. But be warned. They are made for 17 year olds. Not you. You look silly. Not only are they cut for a teenagers body, but the patterns are just too young to get away wit when you're toting around kids and have a mortgage.





See how short and girly it is? Not good for you. But who doesn't love a hoodie? I think they are awesome and own a ton. Make sure when buying them you are looking at a few things to make them grown up vs high school. The fit. It should be long enough to fit close to your body to your waist or hips. The material. Don't buy giant sweatshirt hoodies that are thick. Yes they are comfy, but they add a ton of bulk that you don't want. This is my current fave by Volcom:




See how it's colours, the fit and the cut are a little more grown up? If you're going to spend all day in a hoodie, let it be this one.


Sweatpants as Normal Clothes OMG IT'S THE APOCALYPSE:

So this is not a trend that I like, nor do I participate in under normal circumstances. But due to my dr's appointments and high likeliness that I will have to get ultrasound goop on my clothes, this has become a reality for me a few days a week. But if you must, must, must, go out and run your errands in sweatpants, so help me god if they have an elastic on the bottom, I will go ballistic.


Oh, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Nothing in this world makes me angrier than sweatpants with elastics around the bottom at say, the grocery store. Like really? You couldn't be bothered to put some big-girl pants on before you went out into the world? K, fine, wear sweatpants, but wear RESPECTABLE ones.


I will always be okay with a co-ordinated velour set. It says to me, yes, I want to be comfortable, but I also don't want to look homeless, so I match.

Or, my personal choice of sweatpants is the Lululemon. I honestly hesitate to say that name for fear that everyone will want some, because they are the GREATEST. I wear them around all the time because they actually make your butt look so good, that no one is even noticing you're totally wearing sweatpants. I used to wear them to the gym, but since the gym has become a dream for me, often these are my dr's appointment and general running around pants instead.



Scrumptious! Buy some!! And give your elastic sweatpants to your husband. He misses them.


K, so think carefully when pursuing a trend. Am I wanting this because everyone else has it? Or because it will actually look flattering on my body? If you're buying it to just keep up with everyone else, PUT IT BACK. You are better than that. Work instead on cultivating a personal, signature style that lends itself every now and again to trends without looking like a trend whore. Repeat after me. Trends are not my friend. Be discerning!