Freaky Friday: Awesomely Bad Valentine's

 So how was everyone's Valentine's Day? My favorite part was when my family decorated my bed with cards. One of them, from my daughter, read in its entirety:

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
You are nice.

I mean, really how can you top something like that? With presents, that's how. I got a cargo jacket, new boots and a La Mer watch on order that I'm suuuuper excited about. We stayed in and had a romantic dinner... with the kids. The Mr. and I are having our super lovey romantic time V-Day date tonight. In case you're wondering, the leather pants will be making an appearance.

Oh yeah.

Anyway, my hubs is pretty good at gifts, obviously. So I thought I'd check out some stuff that would make for the most awesomely bad Valentine's Day ever. Are you feeling the love? You shouldn't.

 Tiny potato chip bag earrings. Hey, just because you're dressed up doesn't mean you can't remind everyone you shop at Wal-Mart too!

 This made me LOL. Oh, 80s you were so ugly. But I'm thinking a heart-festooned side ponytail is exactly what I need for my hot date tonight!

 Well now I'm just mad I spent all that money on a boat, when my husband just could have bought me an inflatable dress instead. Dave Ramsey would be soooo unimpressed with my money skills. 

 My husband loves him some cinnamon buns and no, that's not a pet name. I would so enjoy him licking my ears in a totally nutritive way. 

PS is it weird that we don't use pet names at all? Like, they make me cringe a little bit.

 Beer dress! This is when you know your guy is a full-on alcoholic. "You know what would be reallllllly sexy? If you dressed like beer. Oh yeah."

 Light up nails. Because you're a raver, but also a lady. 

 Can I just take an official "no wearing food" stance now? Because it's never OK.

Ladies, if your husband gives you a bracelet that looks like you slit your wrist, check your life insurance policy. There's a good chance he increased it before getting ready to kill you, hide your body and then film a Dateline special about it. 

 I'm just about done work for the day, but it's my son's birthday tomorrow so I'm busy with running around for that. We're taking him to Monster Jam and he is so excited that he's been carrying around his ticket confirmation for the last four days. Awesome. I'm just glad we're doing this instead of a party. It's my daughter's birthday the week after next and a massive My Little Pony party is in the works and it makes me want to nap forever. Halfway through this awful month!

Non-Hippie Boho Styles

I think we can all agree that I maintain a pretty straight-laced style. I identify mostly with preppy clothes, only without the bank account, bad nicknames and pretentious children (seriously if I see another "what my child wore" post I will go insane). But I do like to loosen up once in a while and love me some boho. But I can see how boho can be intimidating for some. Too little and you're not boho enough, too much and you look like a Woodstock wannabe, amiright?

But I've come up with some boho outfits that balance out the hippy-ness of boho pieces so you can wear them everyday. Seriously, boho is too interesting to skip completely. I love me some embroidery and leather!

Unless you're Rachel Zoe (and I'm reasonably sure you're not) boho dressing is all about proportion. If you're wearing a loose, flowy piece up top, go structured on the bottom and vice versa. If you go all boho skirt with long drapey cardigan, you're going to end up looking like that weird art teacher everyone had. It's best to choose one boho piece and build the rest of your outfit around it instead. Love some comfortable Free People Clothing like this shirt here. Aaaaand this shirt says it wants to belong to me badly.

Don't be afraid to mix boho pieces into some of your other stuff. Aztec pattern is pretty much the biggest thing ever right now, but worn with soft brown leather and you'll look like you're attending Burning Man. Add a hard leather jacket and suddenly, it's date night material. Unless your date is Burning Man. In which case, enjoy.

Here are some ideas for boho pieces without committing to an entire wardrobe overhaul: Tons of scarves, antique gold jewelry, brown leather EVERYTHING, slouchy bags, long lines and shapes, loosey goosey clothes and layering your jewlery. You want it to be a bit eclectic and not so planned.

I do like how everything looks a bit sunnier with brighter colors, flowy shapes and embroidery. And I need all the sunny I can get, people. I had to go to the bank today and walking outside made me want to become a recluse.

So, how do you define your style? Are you into boho? More structured? Decidedly more into sweatpants and oversized band T's?

What I Wore: Foiled Again

 Don't you just love when you buy something new and you have a great outfit planned and then the night before it snows another foot and you can't wear it anymore? YEAH ME TOO. Thus, this outfit was cobbled together by a need to wear boots and boot socks or face frostbite and the subsequent removal of my toes. And then I couldn't wear peeptoe shoes anymore and it's just a vicious cycle, you know?

Seriously. I was dying to wear this top sans jacket, but c'est la vie when you live where I do. I *guess* it was OK. It just could have been so much better. Next time.

 Top: here

Skirt and jacket: F21
Boots: Payless (I bought these when I first moved to Utah 10 years ago so the next time someone tries to get all pompous with you and tells you to spend a gajillion dollars on good boots to last forever you tell them it's not necessarily true. Also tell them to get over themselves.)

Earrings: Downeast
Ring: F21

 My feet were kept warm, even if they secretly wished they were in pointy, ridiculously high heels instead.Note that these socks are also the legwarmers from the Halloween I dressed up as the Sundrop Soda girl. Repurposing y'all!

 The weather girl last night said this would be the last of it and spring is coming next week. I swear, weather girl. Don't you get my hopes up for nothing. You and the groundhog will have some maaaajor 'splaining to do!

Freaky Friday

I am having one of those super low motivation days. Like, I got up, got some work done, hit my workout and now... nothing. Instead, I have a major case of the shopping trunkies. Since my husband has been on the mend since Monday, I haven't left the house for anything but prescription medication in five days. To be honest, I think I might ditch everything and go poke around the mall for a bit.

But I am productive enough for Freaky Friday! Also, the big news of the week is my getting Instagram. We can be friends if you want: nomoremomjeans. I'm still getting the hang of it. My little brother keeps texting me helpful tips on what is and isn't OK. Sibling tech love!

But before I ditch my life and do something unproductive, here's some freakiness.

 Do designers sometimes just look at the front of a garment? Because no on in his right mind would see the rear view and be like "Yes, that's exactly the pancake longbutt we're going for. Order 10,000."

 Speaking of rear view, check out these babies. Those are brake lights. On the bum. 

It reminds me of that episode of "My Strange Addiction" where the guy thought he was in a relationship with his male car even though he wasn't gay. I feel like if he did have a human relationship, these pants would be involved. 

Also, I've thought up six pickup lines involving these pants, none of which are appropriate for a blog that my mom reads. You can put some in the comments section though!

 My new most hated pair of leggings. Which is impressive because I hate pretty much every pair of leggings.

 Armadillo purse. How creepy would this be under like, a restaurant table. On second thought, this isn't freaky. It's awesome. I want it so I can scare waiters.

 Methinks a court somewhere has lost its fool, dost thou agree?

Translation: This is stupid, amiright?

 Dawn sent these with the message that they looked super practical for running errands. I thought I'd add to the list of where these pants would be practical.
-While wearing stilts

- A high fashion prison party.
-Housing a flea circus ewwww

-Taking yourself waaaaaaaaaay too seriously. 

 People be like "YOLO" and I'm like "Eat broccoli, watch Wheel of Fortune and go to bed at a decent time." EBWWOFFAGTBAADT, yo! 

  I like my outfits to say "I'm not a woman, I'm a shapeless blob who doesn't want you to look at me."

Do I need to remind you that Valentine's Day is coming up? Why not rev his engine by dressing like the fatty pig meat that he loves!? Meow. 

OK, seriously, I feel like that took up the one last ounce of productivity I had saved up. Time to shirk my responsibilities for the rest of the day woo!

How to: Contour Your Face with Makeup

 

As I prepped this post I realized that I really hate the word contour. Like, it should only be used in commercials for feminine products. "Contours to your body so you can go horseback riding!" But there's really no other word for what we're doing so I apologize to you and my brothers who occasionally read this and don't need to be reminded that their sister is in fact, a woman.

ANYWAY, contouring is a makeup trick that makes your face look way thinner and your eyes look way brighter than they really are. Can I level with you here? I don't do this like EVERY DAY. Just when I need a little pick-me-up or I ate too much chocolate-covered popcorn, which may or may not have happened last night while I watched The Bachelor and wondered how long it would be before Thierra tries to bleed to death for attention.

Contouring (ew) takes a little extra time, but the results are totally worth it. Here's what you'll need.

1) A gray-based bronzer that IS NOT SPARKLY. I repeat: NOT SPARKLY. Trying to contour with a sparkly bronzer will make you look like a teenage vampire.
2) A cream-based (cream colored, not cream consistency. I use powder) highlighter. Cream is just more natural than a white. Can I tell you my dirty secret? The highlighter color I use is one in a total face palette with pinks and browns too. Your highlighter should have a little shimmer.
3) A pinky blush. Pink is awesome. The brighter, the better. We're only using a bit.

Now, I've made a road map on my face so you can see where everything should go and resisted the urge to draw a mustache on myself so I"m feeling very grown-up indeed. Also, there are a ton of product links in this post. These are just the products I actually use, no shady affiliate stuff goin' on here.

 

Hehehe my face looks like Neapolitan ice cream in that picture. 

OK, steps.

1) I start with a primer -- this is my fave -- I use a bit of concealer to hit any spots that I need cleaned up, including my stupidpants skin cancer scar, under-eye circles and a zit. Then, I do my Bare Minerals all over and start with a nice, even canvas. You can start with whatever you like, just give yourself an even tone before you begin contouring.

2) I begin with the bronzer... gray-based is best because we want to create shadows. First I hit right under my cheekbones. If you don't know where to go, suck in your cheeks and use a big, fluffy brush to put it right in those hollows, from the ear to about halfway between your ear and the corner of your lips. I also hit my jawline and my hair line. Finally, I'll use a smaller brush to draw a little line down either side of my nose and then blend out. BLENDBLENDBLEND. See my awesome map for help. 

3) Highlighter tiiime! It's my favorite. I use a clean eyeshadow applicator or a smaller makeup brush (I love these) for doing highlighter because it has to be more precise. I start with the inner corners of my eyes and then highlight right underneath the eyebrows. Then I'll run it right down the very top of my nose and also a little v-shaped area right above the bow of my lips. Then, I grab a bigger brush and dust the center of my forehead. 

4) Blush is last and I just do the apples of my cheeks. Cool trick time! If you're not sure where to put blush, smile and then place two fingers beside your nose. Then, just hit that apple of your cheek and you're dunzo. 

There you go! A totally contoured face that doesn't look all makeuppy. And by makeuppy I definitely mean drag-queeny. My spellcheck is exploding right now.

Once done, it's mascara time and that's pretty much it. It seems like a lot of steps, but it probably only takes about two minutes extra on top of whatever else I'm doing that day. And since I often wake up looking like Queen Imotep of the Undead, I feel like it's two minutes well spent.

SO what say you? Is this something you can/already do? Or are you like "Contouring is a dirty word and I won't do it." I can respect that. 

What I Wore: Moody Blues

I consider myself to be one of those annoying people who's generally in a pretty good mood most of the time. It helps that I literally don't take anything seriously, ever, so not a lot really bugs me and I'm usually able to just slap on a happy face. In fact, I was voted "Most Likely to Brighten Your Day" in high school. Oh yeah, that's some high praise that I'll be clinging to way longer than is socially acceptable. I have a plaque somewhere.

But ugh, I always end up a huge grump come February. Suddenly, the snow that makes my teeny town charming and adorable becomes gross and slushy and my slate floors are covered in salt and I had to shovel the walk for the sole purpose of having pizza delivered on Friday. BOO to that, I say! So when LuLaRoe.com offered to sent me a bad mood-busting maxi skirt, I immediately picked out the brightest of the bunch.

Skirt: c/o LuLaRoe.com

Top: Local boutique (Bella Ella)
Jacket: Therapy -- yes, the brand is actually called Therapy and that makes me laugh.
Boots: Fryyyyyyes
Ring: Downeast
Earrings, which you can't even see: My nanny, which I should point out means my English grandmother, not anyone who takes care of my children. Or me.

I heart me some bright colors in February to boost my spirits and help me ignore the salt on my floor. Happy days! I also heart this skirt tooooo much. It's uber stretchy which means I could look like a lady but didn't have to sit like one WIN.Psst... check out the LulaRoe Facebook page for a coupon code.

And I'm sorry the pictures are overexposed. My dang 6 year old took them and left the flash on. Ugh, amateur.

Oh wait! I can see an earring in this one booyah! Also I feel like maxi skirts and leather jackets should always be together like Heidi and Spencer from The Hills. They just deserve each other.

I'm in a better mood today, thanks in part to bright skirts, sunshine and also to the fact that my hubby is having surgery today. Like, I'm not happy he's having surgery, that's sad. But seeing my straight-laced seriousperson husband on drugs should be pretty funny. The doc gave him anti-anxiety medicine to take a few hours before so we're going to be partying around here.

Now, name something that puts you in a good mood! If your answer is "my husband on anti-anxiety medication" we are probably soul mates.

Freaky Friday: Fun with Keywords

 So my daughter earned a special "show and tell" day at school today, and what does she want to take? Our dog. So I have to go talk our miniature schnauzer into being OK with the fact that lots of small children will be mauling her in an hour. I can only assume it will go well considering all my dog every wants is to be left alone forever.

Poor Lucy. Such a tortured animal. 

Anyway, I'm due in the class in like 30 minutes, so let's make this quick. Luckily, sexual deviants and juvenile delinquents have been visiting my site again, which means I have lots of fodder for Fun with Keywords. As usual, if you're new to the site, you should know that FWK is when I comb through the keyword analysis for my blog and pick the best and brightest search terms for your consideration. It's a good time. 

"How come I look fatter in a sweater than in a T-shirt?"

I don't know. Is it because your sweater has a cheeseburger on it? Because I can only assume that cheeseburgers make people look fat. Just a fun fashion hint for you.

"Pregnant fetish."






Ew I just love that idea that there are guys who are really into pregnant women. I mean, don't get me wrong, pregnancy is super special and magical and whatever else the unicorns tell you, but most of the time you feel fat. And sweaty. And pretty gassy. And also like if anyone touches you, they'll get a punch in the throat. But uh yeah, really sexy too.

"Cheap American flag shorts."

Ah, but aren't they all cheap? Nothing says patriotism by wearing your country's flag emblazoned across your crotch and in acid wash.


















"How to make harem pants." 

You don't.


"What's the best place to steal cosmetics?"

For reals? Where is your mother and why is she not monitoring your computer use better?


"Sexy Care Bears."

There. Now enjoy your day, soul-sucking life ruiner. Hope you have fun decimating what was left of everyone's childhoods!


"Does hair on your body make you look fat or skinny."

Uh, neither. It makes you look hairy.


"How to luk fat."

Yeah, why don't you go ahead and stop focusing on your outward appearance and work more on passing first grade English. Then we'll talk about how you "luk."


"Kameron Diyaz."

K, either this is the same person who wants to luk skinny, or something looking for what I can only assume is an adult film star with really long legs and really inflated lips.


Alright, I'm off to be the Mom of the Year for like, five minutes. Hopefully it makes up for the other 1,435 minutes of the day. Happy Friday, everyone!