Freaky Friday: Fun with Keywords

 So my daughter earned a special "show and tell" day at school today, and what does she want to take? Our dog. So I have to go talk our miniature schnauzer into being OK with the fact that lots of small children will be mauling her in an hour. I can only assume it will go well considering all my dog every wants is to be left alone forever.

Poor Lucy. Such a tortured animal. 

Anyway, I'm due in the class in like 30 minutes, so let's make this quick. Luckily, sexual deviants and juvenile delinquents have been visiting my site again, which means I have lots of fodder for Fun with Keywords. As usual, if you're new to the site, you should know that FWK is when I comb through the keyword analysis for my blog and pick the best and brightest search terms for your consideration. It's a good time. 

"How come I look fatter in a sweater than in a T-shirt?"

I don't know. Is it because your sweater has a cheeseburger on it? Because I can only assume that cheeseburgers make people look fat. Just a fun fashion hint for you.

"Pregnant fetish."






Ew I just love that idea that there are guys who are really into pregnant women. I mean, don't get me wrong, pregnancy is super special and magical and whatever else the unicorns tell you, but most of the time you feel fat. And sweaty. And pretty gassy. And also like if anyone touches you, they'll get a punch in the throat. But uh yeah, really sexy too.

"Cheap American flag shorts."

Ah, but aren't they all cheap? Nothing says patriotism by wearing your country's flag emblazoned across your crotch and in acid wash.


















"How to make harem pants." 

You don't.


"What's the best place to steal cosmetics?"

For reals? Where is your mother and why is she not monitoring your computer use better?


"Sexy Care Bears."

There. Now enjoy your day, soul-sucking life ruiner. Hope you have fun decimating what was left of everyone's childhoods!


"Does hair on your body make you look fat or skinny."

Uh, neither. It makes you look hairy.


"How to luk fat."

Yeah, why don't you go ahead and stop focusing on your outward appearance and work more on passing first grade English. Then we'll talk about how you "luk."


"Kameron Diyaz."

K, either this is the same person who wants to luk skinny, or something looking for what I can only assume is an adult film star with really long legs and really inflated lips.


Alright, I'm off to be the Mom of the Year for like, five minutes. Hopefully it makes up for the other 1,435 minutes of the day. Happy Friday, everyone!

What I Wore: Internal Monologue

I had this conversation with myself a few days ago.

Me: Hey, uh, Jae?
Myself: Oh hey, self, how's it going?
Me: Great... just really great. But I did need to talk to you about something.
Myself: Ah. OK. Shoot.
Me: It's about your hair.
Myself: My hair? What's up?
Me: It's just... like, I don't want to hurt your feelings or anything. But it's like, really blonde.
Myself: Durrr. That's the point.
Me: No, like... too blonde.
Myself: But... it's been like this for two years.
Me: I know. And it was really nice. But I think you might have some blonde-orexia or something.
Myself: What can I say? I love the bleach.
Me: I think it might be time to go back to brunette.
Myself: But... Gwen Stefani is a natural burnette and she's been dying her hair for years! It says so in her hair color commercial!
Me: OK, is "Gwen Stefani does it" really that great of an argument?
Myself. Good point. Siggggggghhhhhh fine I'll go back to natural for a couple of years.
Me: Hey, your hair will thank you.
Myself: Whatever. You're a real downer, Me.
Me: Sorry.

And that folks, is how I went back to brown. After looking through some pictures from the past few months, I noticed that my hair was looking more and more damaged and it needed a break or risk going like, banana yellow. And that's not a good look on anyone. So, I'm back to my old self while my hair is in ICU for a while. I'll miss the blonde and will probably do it again, but for now I'm officially on a break.

Shirt: Ugh, I can never remember. I wanna say Paper Tee. Yes.
Belt: Downeast
Jacket: Old Navy
Skirt: F21
Boots: F21

Ring: 1928

I was on my feet and running around alllll day yesterday, so it had to be comfy boots or bust. These are wedges so I felt like they had to be sporty, but I'm still not sure I nailed it with this one. I need to play with it some more. In fashion blogging world it's called "styling." As in "I styled these boots with a leather skirt." I find that pretentious and annoying. You WORE them. Just SAY IT. 

Whatever, it got me through a long day and I wasn't begging for sweet mercy by the end. That makes me think WIN.

 I was also wearing cute earrings but you can't see them #brunetteproblems amiright?

Fine, I'll shut up about my hair now. 

Today is my recuperation day from getting over the flu of death. My house is trashed and my medicine cabinet looks like a really low-class pharmacy. Also, my husband is building a new wall in our room -- he has to have his gallbladder out in a week and just HAPPENS to also need a new flatscreen on our bedroom wall during convalescence oh really how convenient. So my house is like a germy construction zone and it must be conquered.

Monday, you's a jerk. 

Freaky Friday

 Alright, lets announce the winner (or, in my house  -- the wiener) of the ModestPop giveaway -- Micha Davis it's you it's you! Look for an email today with your gift card code and buy something pretty!

Good news everyone! I think we're finally over the flu of death. Ahhhhh and it only took 10 days. My daughter finally went back to school today which was huge because she'd missed almost a week. Luckily, we've gone on four trips since school started in the fall so it's not like she's missed a lot of school or anything. MOM OF THE YEAR. It's OK, I'm well aware she'll get by on her looks. Kidding! Kind of.

Anyway, I'm celebrating our rising from the dead by actually leaving the house today. It's exciting. I might buy something.

 The Apple Bag by Hermes. It finally solves the age-old problem of having an apple, but not knowing how to transport it anywhere. Ugh, do you expect me to hold it in my hands like a peasant?

 Polka dots: In. Polka dots and this: Barf.

 Can we talk about leg squidge here? Because it's never a good thing. But leg squidge with acid wash and we're talking that horrible overweight Courtney Love phase.

 I'm not an Anthropologie wearer at the best of times... it's a little twee for me. But especially not when in this chambray ankle skirt. Those flap pockets and buttons are like, Sunday School teacher circa 1992. Chambray doesn't have to be on everything, OK? 

 The "Navajo Hood" Because yes, I'm sure Native Americans just love when hipsters prance around pretending to be wolf gods. Like, I hope you get shot with a reproduction of a traditional Navajo arrow.

 I had a dog groomer once who wanted to name her daughter Arwen and I talked her out of it. 

But this dress? Somewhere, a fanboy is having feelings he's never felt before. 

 "Excuse me, my eyes are up... oh wait. They actually are down there. Carry on then."

 Rebecca sent me yet another fantastic yarn creation. Or you could just wear like, shoes? 

And I'm sorry, do we live in a world where you need something to make flip flops MORE comfortable? They literally attach to your feet with like 6 inches of material. If you can't handle that, then you shouldn't be allowed to own footwear. 

 Other shirts in this collection:
"I Have a Blog for Cooking for One"
"I DVR Shows About Animal Bloopers"
"I Don't Know Why No One Responds to my Online Dating Profile."
"I Crochet Foot Covers for my Flip Flops"

"Please... Someone Love Me. Please."

 Remember when MTV brought back Beavis and Butthead for like, a minute a couple of years ago? And we all realized that it was only funny when you were 16 and hiding in the basement with your boyfriend telling your parents that you were studying really hard for Ancient Civilizations? I feel like even your 16 year old self would be like "Yeaaaaaah no" to this.

Thank Brenda!

Oh, shoot, I missed the memo about cat sweaters being tucked into control top underwear being cool. BOY is my face red.
(Thaaaanks Anna) 

Of course, the day I finally get to venture out of my house is the day we have crazy fog up here on the mountain. But it's OK because I live life on the edge/have really good foglamps.

Happy weekend party people!

How to: Get Inspiration from a Magazine Without Wanting to Cry

So with my kids at home still sick with the evil flu -- I think we're just about finished, hallelujah! -- I've had a lot of time to do lazy things that I don't usually get to do. I read a couple of books -- I just finished Beautiful Creatures -- I played a lot on the iPad and caught up on TV series on my DVR and finally, finally, read through the stack of magazines that were hanging out since the holidays.

Now, I get a ton of magazines because I mostly use them for "work" which also means I get to write them off on my business taxes WOO. But that also means I have stacks laying around the house unread for months at a time. As I was paging through my InStyle, Elle, Allure, Redbook and Glamour, I got to thinking about how depressing magaiznes are if you don't know what you're looking for. It's like "skinny model... skinny model... skinny model... 'real size' model who's still skinnier than me... laughable sex tips... skinny model." I GET IT. But I also think mags are a great way to break out of a fashion rut, so let's talk about how to interpret what's in them into real life.

Glossy magazines are all about excess. When they do a page-spread of "Neon Colors to Rock Your World," that doesn't mean you're supposed to go out and party like it it's 1989. It means that you'll probably see neon at the store a lot more and a bright pair of sunglasses would be fun. When you see a trend report that says "Fringe Benefits!" it doesn't mean you have to start dressing like the Last of the Mohicans, but you can start looking for softer leather accessories to add to your closet.

So, when you're looking through a magazine, focus less on how perfectly airbrushed the models are and the trend barf on every page and focus instead on a couple things that you like from each spread. I snap pictures of pages with my phone while I read so I don't have to go back and search through all the dog-eared pages to remember what I liked.

Observe:

 I loved this white jacket with leopard smoking slippers. Would I ever wear this much white ever? Absolutely not. But I have a white trench and I've never thought to wear it with my leopard loafers. THANKS magazine.

 OOh, I loved the ruffles on this jacket and the cool periwinkle color. I would absolutely not wear this jacket ever, lest I look like Marie Antoinette, but it makes me keep an eye out for girly ruffles the next time I shop.

I loved this model's makeup. Liquid eyeliner + girly peach lips is adorable and something that I hadn't thought of before.

Don't pick up a magazine and then use it to repeatedly beat yourself, your size, your face, your lack of celebrity arm candy and your non-understanding of why everyone is into like Aztec prints or whatever the heck is popular this second. Page through, note what you like, nix what you hate and then use it to get a little closet inspiration. I know some bloggers have like, inspiration boards and dream books, but seriously?

Magazines think they're too cool for school but guess what? They aren't. (Movie reference?) Learn to peruse them properly and you'll have less body hatred and more outfit ideas. YAY!

What magazines do you get? All of mine are fashion-y except for the inexplicable Real Simple. I like to read it and pretend to care about home organization.

What I Wore: Minimal + Another Giveaway

Hey friends! I just spent the weekend hanging out with two kids that have the evil flu of death. Seriously, how did parents deal with sick kids before Netflix? We've just gone into survival mode here -- my kitchen looks like a drugstore and I look like I died from lack of sleep. I am SO glad today is a holiday. More My Little Pony makes everything better.

I thought I'd cheer myself and everyone else up by doing another giveaway. YAY! And, drumroll please -- this one's international, so UK, NZ and Aussie fans, you can enter along with the Yankees and Canucks. Yahoo!

 Top: c/o ModestPop
Jeans: Calvin Klein
Scarf: Urban Trend
Earrings: Nordstrom
Boots: Breckelle's 

So I love shirts that are interesting and can just be worn on their own. ModestPop was kind enough to send over this cute twisty shirt that doesn't need any layering -- hallelujah! I love that I can just throw it on and I'm done. 

Also, if you're sick of seeing jeans and boots outfits you can join the club. So am I. But as it is still frigid here, that's what you'll get.

 

At least they're cute boots, right? I just bought them a couple of weeks ago and they are getting mucho play in my wardrobe. 

Also, when I left the house in this outfit I wore my super cute cream leather jacket but forgot about it for pictures. So just close your eyes and imagine how cool this looked with a leather jacket. 

Anyway, ModestPop is giving a reader a $15 gift card -- and since everything on their site is super inexpensive, you'll definitely be able to get something cute and easy to wear. 

a Rafflecopter giveaway
Let's make it easy -- Like 'em on Facebook and leave a comment here for entry and you're done. You know the drill -- enter until Friday at 12am and I'll announce the winner that morning. Good luck!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with the washing machine and another six hours of Netflix planned for today.

Freaky Friday: Worst 2012 Trends

 Alright, first up is the winner of the Liverpool Jeans giveaway. Head on over to Liverpool's Facebook page at 11am PST to see who gets the skinnies!


 Hey friends! Or at least, people who were my friends until I offended them with this post. Seriously, yesterday I posted about hating bubble necklaces on my Facebook page and I lost two fans over it. I'M SORRY OK? Still, I decided to keep up the streak and post about all the things I hated in fashion last year. It'll help me start 2013 with less rage, I promise.

 K, well I still don't like bubble necklaces. They started with J.Crew and while I love J.Crew I dislike the bandwagon it creates.

 

However, I'm not adverse to Buble necklaces, which reader Jenifer alerted me to. Oh, we have fun on Facebook. I would like these necklaces to become the new fashion blogger piece du jour. Make it happen!

 Harem pants flatter no one. You should never look like you're packing this much weight in your pants. Like, ever. It's suspicious.

 Of course, then there are rompers. Because fully disrobing to go to the washroom is like, so hot right now.

Then, when a romper and harem pants have a love child, I lose all faith in humanity. This model looks far too happy for me. Hey lady -- your outfit is going to be in a pile on the floor of a public bathroom in a mall. Stop smiling so much.

 Hi-lo skirts... especially ones that are this obvious and OB/GYN friendly... offend me. If it can be described as a mullet, it's not for you. EVER.

 Hey, I love me a little pattern mixing. But I mean like, two patterns. Going all koo-koo-kachoo with it and then acting serious is crazypants. It makes you look like a colorblind elf.

I hate when summer rolls around and people start attending music festivals dressed like they're going to Woodstock. Girl, you weren't even alive during Woodstock. You know what I wear to festivals? Pants and a sense of dignity. 

Ugh Lennon glasses are gross. They make everyone look like they have bushman eyebrows. And please don't send me unhappy emails for making fun of both Lennon and Yoko Ono in the space of a month. I won't respond because I'm too busy watching this excellent piece of performance art.

 Sheer skirts. WHY. I have a hard enough time deciding what I'm going to wear without worry about how my undies match.

 Socks and heels. Because you're a short and confused 4 year old.

 I am SO OVER the shaved side hair. I see it way too often, even here in uber-Conservative Utah. It's like ugh, if you want to be rebellious can't you just like buy a motorcycle and rob a bank or something? PS growing this out will be heinous I'm just trying to think ahead.


Alright, sound off. What was your most hated trend? Do you think I'm a jerk. Are you going to defriend me on Facebook? Because I don't think I can take any more of that rejection.

What I Wore: Back in Black + A Giveaway!

So on Friday after I hung out and hid from the snow all day, I started feeling all like, haggy and gross. So I talked my hubs into taking me to dinner and a movie when he got home so I had a reason to actually change out of my sweats for the day. YAY! My fave black skinnies from Liverpool were clean. So I took a picture the end.

Please note that I didn't title this post "50 Shades of Grey" because LITERALLY every fashion blogger ever has done a post wearing gray called "50 Shades of Grey." And we all know I"m not a *real* fashion blogger, so I'll stick to AC/DC, thank you.

OMG, that reminds me -- did anyone watch The Bachelor and that sloppy girl who was obsessed with 50 Shades? And that girl who backflipped out of the limo and fell on her face? I died.

Wait, that also reminds me. Did anyone watch Miss America? The talent portion made my husband so uncomfortable that he had to leave the room and then one of the contestants accidentally said that marijuana should *only* be used recreationally. It was so awesome.

PS I watch a lot of bad TV and then sit around waiting for someone to ask me about it.

Jeans: c/o Liverpool Jeans
Boot socks: Abercrombie
Boots: Breckelle's
Tank: F21
Cardi: Gap
Scarf: Cotton On
Watch: xoxo

Just kidding that's not the end. I wore a ton of layers because the movie theater we always go to usually basically has ice on the walls it's so cold. Luckily I had the toasty warm butter on my popcorn to keep me warn. So.... buttery... heart attack... dead... worth it. 

So, I promised a giveaway and a giveaway you shall have. Liverpool Jeans, who sent me two of my most favoritest pairs of jeans ever, is willing to give away a pair of colored skinnies to a lucky reader! Seriously, these jeans are boss. They fit like a glove and are very true to size. I did that thing where you get a size and then pray with all of your might that they'll fit and then do a massive happy dance when they do. What? You don't do that? For shame. 

Check it! Just like 'em on Facebook, comment over there and then follow them on Pinterest and you are dunzo!

a Rafflecopter giveaway


The winner will be announced on Friday at 11am! So enter. Enter, my friends. Get your colored pants!

(US and Canadian residents only pretty please?)