Freaky Friday: Fun with Keywords

Today is one of those Fridays that I have been off and running since the alarm hit. And I'm super excited because this afternoon I'm heading off to do some prep work for a giveaway on Wednesday, so be excited too!

The more posts I have on my site and the more colorful language I use, the more weird searches I get in my Statcounter. I'm always super amazed at how people stumble across my blog -- like, seriously, people. Besides the completely perverted, I've got an entire new batch for weirdness that came up in the keyword analysis of my website's stats. OH YEAH.

"Kama sutra snuggie."

If tacky infomercial products turn you on, you're beyond my help. Also, ew.

"How to not be like your husband's mother."

My advice would probably be to not be like your husband's mother. Because it sounds like you kind of hate her.

"Padded butt jeans."

Might I introduce you to Booty Pop? Or you can totally have some of my booty, because I'm just nice amd charitable like that.

"Sexy lamp."

I saw this in the Sky Mall catalog the last time I flew and I was like yeah, just what I need. A light fixture that is skinnier than me.

"Pictures of cute hamsters eating pencils."

...........................

I don't even know anymore.

"Foot undies."


Look, I know that these are for dance and stuff but please, they are a foot fetishist's dream.

"Wearing overalls and desperate to pee."

Oh hey, welcome to my site, anyone who has ever worn overalls. It serves you right for 1) wearing overalls in the first place and 2) Googling this instead of just using the washroom. It honestly makes me wonder what is wrong with the human race.

"Worst tube top ever."

I believe that it would be any tube top ever. This isn't "In Living Color," so you can go ahead and put some clothes on.

"Freaky bustier."

I decided to Google that exact phrase and came up with this. I believe it's from "How to Dress Like a Terrifying Russian Spy-Lady."

"Pimp clothes."

Ooh, how about a sexy pimp costume? As a special touch, this was listed for teens and it said it came with "shorts." Let me know if you can find them.

"Why I'll never dress like my parents did."

Because my dad got married in a powder blue leisure suit and that's a good enough reason for me.

"Clever ways to hide a microwave."

Well, it definitely won't fit in your purse, so I'm thinking you should just splurge and buy the popcorn AT the theatre.

"Half skirt half shorts."

These are called culottes. I had some when I was seven. STOP IT.




Well, whatever way people get here, I'm just glad you come to hang out every Friday, you big pervs!

Happy weekend, everyone!

**Please note that I moved the comments link back down to the bottom with my latest bloggy facelift. So click it and use it often or I'll be forced to eat my feelings kthanx.**

Jae Raids the Drugstore: Best (and Worst) Beauty Buys Under $10

Since my family has literally been sick since November, I've had the opportunity to reacquaint myself with a very strange place: the drugstore. You see, when I was a teenager living at home, the closest place for me to buy makeup and hair stuff was the drugstore that was two blocks away from my house. I spent all of my tiny paycheques on massive amounts of eyeshadow and butterfly hair clips and whatever else was cool in 2001. Seriously, I loved that place. I would take hours to pick stuff out and then I'd rush home and try it all on like a demented beauty queen.

Since I've become oh so more mature in my old age (you guys, I was playing in the snow with my kids the other day and I fell and I've been complaining like a granny ever since) I started buying more of my makeup and hair stuff at beauty specialty stores, department stores and online. Honestly, I hadn't been in a drugstore in forever because usually we use a Walmart pharmacy and I'm picking up milk and Pullups with my prescription, not lipstick. But a couple weeks ago, Walmart didn't carry my prescription so I had to head down to Walgreens and since then, all of our stuff has been going there. The result? Hours upon hours of waiting for prescriptions that I have now spent trolling the makeup aisles for new products.

Since I totally understand that not everyone wants to go have their bank account manhandled by the ladies at the Nordstrom makeup counters, I give you some of the best (and worst) products that I've picked up during my drugstore escapades -- proof that you can find totally awesome stuff while you're picking up antibiotics and Advil.



L'Oreal Voluminous Million Lashes

I know I've reviewed this mascara on here before, but I picked up another tube when my pricey brand was out the other day and I remember how awesome it is. For a $8 mascara, this stuff rocks. It's the closest I've found to Diorshow, which is my all-time fave. My favorite part about it is that you can layer it really well. I hate when I go to put a second coat of mascara on and it's all crispy and gross. With this, I put on a layer, wait two minutes and then add one more for superthick lashes. I was wearing it at Christmas and my sister-in-law thought I falsies on. Score!



Revlon Colorburst Lip Butter.

I am a sucker for new types of lip color, just because I'm not a hardcore lipstick girl. I love gloss, but I feel like the color fades super fast so it's kind of a pain. When I saw this I was excited because it's kind of a mix between lipstick and lip blam. Like, it feels like chapstick going on, but gives awesome color like a lipstick. This would be AWESOME if you're new to lip color or want to try a bolder shade (red please?) I bought this color, which is a bright pink in the tube but is just pretty and rosy on my lips and it lasted forever. I also liked that it was all smooth n' stuff.


(I'm wearing it in this picture. LOVE! PS My son looks like a tiny banker.)



Suave Volumizing Mousse

It makes me really mad when spell check says that "volumizing" isn't a word. Um, shut up. OK, I am a sucker for hair products, especially ones that promise to give me big hair. And I'm kind of a mousse-aholic. But I love this stuff. It dries really soft, even when I do scrunchy curls, so I use it for both curly and straight looks, since my hair is pretty wavy in real life. And i think I paid like, $2 for this, so it was totally worth it. I used a Big Sexy Hair version of the same thing and really can't tell a huge difference, despite the fact that BSH cost $24.



Sally Hansen Salon Effects Nail Polish Strips

I would literally rather have a root canal than try and mess with these again. I picked up a box because I hate doing my nails only to have them chip and figured this would last longer. It might have if I'd actually been able to put them on. First of all, each strip is encased in roughly 79 pieces of peely plastic, which means they make a HUGE mess. Second, they're pretty much impossible to apply I gave up and put them on my daughter. She loves them but I don't have the heart to tell her that they're slightly crooked. So I won't. Stab me with a spoon these were annoying.



Maybelline Mineral Power Foundation

I ran out of my precious Bare Minerals right before my trip to Canada, so I rushed to the drugstore since I didn't have a chance to get to the mall. I figured that all mineral powders were created equally, and I was close. This is a really great substitute for the real deal. If you want to try mineral foundation but don't want to fork out $25 for the stuff, try this. The coverage was fine, although I don't think it lasted as long as Bare Minerals. Also, you don't get the range of colors that you do with Bare Minerals, so it wasn't the exact match I usually get. But totally worth it to stash in my makeup bag -- I really liked the supersoft brush that came with it too!



Beyond the Zone Rock On Dry Shampoo

K, this is kind of cheating because I didn't buy this myself. But I went to a "Favorite Things" party with my friends and this is what I won. One of my friends (Hi, Tamera!) brought this to share and I'm glad she did, because it was magical. Everyone knows about dry shampoo, right? It's a powder spray that you can use to revive your hairstyle when it's oily or just flat. You might not be able to find this brand at the drugstore, but I've also tried the Suave dry shampoo and liked it a lot too. Definitely a must for time-crunched mornings.

In the interest of full disclosure, I'll give a pic of me with dry shampooed hair. BUT I literally took this picture as I rolled out of bed and sat down to work for the day and i am not wearing a stitch of makeup. BEWARE.


But see? My face looks tired but my hair looks like it's actually DONE. I sprayed my roots with dry shampoo and then just fluffed with my fingers and got like 30-second hair right out of bed without doing anything special. It's awesome and one of my secrets to faking like I actually put myself together everyday. Totally doable.

Alright, so now I have divulged my guilty pleasure for low priced cosmetics (hence my insane obsession with buying stuff from e.l.f.). What's your favorite budget beauty buy that you can't live without?

What I Wore: Reformed Tomboy

Growing up with four brothers, I was a hopeless tomboy. I feel bad for my mom, who thought that she finally got her girl who she could dress up and do girly things with. At age five, I threw a tantrum about my waist length hair and had it cut to my chin. At age nine, I quit dance class to play soccer. And at age 12, I was wearing my little brother's clothes on a daily basis. Did I mention that my brothers are all freakishly large? Despite me being three years older, my brother and I shared the same shoe size when we were kids. I have this amazing picture of me as a 12-year-old, backwards hat, oversize shirt, cutoffs and high tops. You would NEVER know it was me. I was 16 or 17 before the switch in my head turned on and I started acting like, you know, a GIRL.


(Case in point: this is me at age 11, dressed as a hobo for Halloween. Like, really? I HAVE A BEARD.)

But, I still consider myself a bit of a tomboy. I don't mind getting dirty, I have a secret love for video games and I'll always have a soft spot for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. So when I spotted this sweater, it reminded me of my tomboy days and I had to have it. It kinda reminded me of a referee, so I added some super awesome knee socks and paid homage to my weirdly boyish soccer-loving heritage.


Sweater: F21
Jeggs: F21
Socks: Abercrombie & Fitch
Boots: Breckelle's
Necklace: Local


And yes, those socks do have bows on them. I bought two pairs. It was one of those shopping triumph moments. I thought they were $13 and when I went to check out they were only $4 so I was like WAIT I WANT MORE. So I also have them in gray. Knee sock love forever.

I don't think anyone would accuse me from being anything but supergirly now, but aside from the hot pink socks I would say this look is all tomboy. It makes me want to go throw a yellow card at someone.

I won't though, because that would be really weird.

Freaky Friday: Reader Submissions

Hey guys, you all know how much I love you, right? Blogging seriously sucks if you don't have awesome readers and hilarious comments and if I didn't get either I'd basically become depressed and eat more Chick-Fil-A than I already do (and trust me, the entire chain is not ready for that.)

My favorite thing about my readers is that they always take time to send me awesome Freaky Friday posts, which make me inexplicably happy. Let's keep doing that, OK? You can email them over or post them on the Facebook page (see the box to the right) so we can all make fun.

But seriously, let's check out some of the stuff you lovelies sent me over the holidays.



Ohh more droopy pants from Stephanie. She knows how I roll. My favorite part is the loin cloth that ties to the knees for no reason at all.



Anna alerted me to this picture of Jennifer Hudson.

*Awkward pause* Um, look. Jennifer. Jenn. Jenny. I'm really ahppy you're skinny and stuff now, but that does NOT make it OK for you to dress like Drew Barrymore from Never Been Kissed. For one, Drew Barrymore looks HORRIBLE in that movie. Secondly, she was high when she wore the outfit. SO. Yeah.


Stop looking so excited, Drew.


Nat (our former maternity fashion guru) sent me this on the Facebook page because she knows well that I have a peacock obsession.

I just wonder if it's ENOUGH peacock, you know? She could have at least worn a feather in her hair.


Ashley snapped a picture of these shoes when she went to a party over the holidays and I LOVE HER for it. Listen, ladies. If your shoes have eyes, they're probably looking up your skirt and that's weird and uncomfortable.

Andrea sent me this Vera Wang offering. What I love most is that it looks like my face when I really cold and wear a hoodie cinched as tight as it can go to stay warm. Except it is cinched around her crotch. I've never had cause to do that... even when it's really, really cold... but to each his own!

Also, I should point out that wearing my hoodie like that is super unattractive and I look like a small Gremlin and my husband makes fun of me. So I don't recommend it.


Oh, Mina, thank you for sending me these pants. It's proof that your pants don't have to be tight for you to have the droopiest case of camel toe EVER.

Also... those are some gnarly Aladdin ankles.


Like... I don't even dry clean clothes that say "dry clean only." Do you really think I'm going to detangle my dress? (Thanks, Tracy!)


I got these gems in my email from Beth. These 100 percent remind me of when the Beast turns into a human and for a few seconds he has weird foot-paw hybrids. And then I cry even though I'm a grown woman.

Thanks for the submissions friends, and keep 'em coming! I make audible *squee!* noises when I get them and they make us all happy, right?

Good Bones

*** Did any of you miss the most awesome Kardashian photo ever? If you did (and SHAME ON YOU) check out my page and let's all make fun. Also, I saw a headline that read -- not kidding -- "Kim Kardashian replaced by French bulldog in Super Bowl commercial. It was a great day. ***

SO. Today I wanted to talk about something that has always bugged me a little. And since I generally have a short fuse, that category includes things like helicopter parents, people who think that their baby is a genius, people who walk slow in malls, Lady Gaga's shenanigans and people who confuse tights as pants. But you know what really annoys me?

The show "What Not to Wear."

I mean, don't get me wrong, I love me a makeover show and I wish Clinton Kelly could join Tim Gunn and be my best gays -- or best... ambiguous sexual orientation friends -- but one thing really bothers me about the show. You know the part when they throw out all of the poor person's clothes? That bugs me.

Here's why. When was the last time a fairy godmother -- or Stacy London -- appeared out of nowhere with $5,000 for you to spend? So there's probably a good chance that you'll never in your entire life have cause to toss out your entire wardrobe and start fresh. So that means you're pretty much workin' with what you have at this point. And while some clothes really need to be trashed, I generally think it's a rare person who doesn't have the good bones of a decent wardrobe already in her closet.

Even if you don't have a ton of money to spend on your clothes, I bet you have a couple of bucks here and there to buy the elements that could update a sloppy tee or your old faithful pair of jeans. Can we talk about this and I'll show you how? While I wish I could go through everyone's closet and yank out the pieces that don't work, you'll have to be satisfied with seeing some of the ways you can work stuff you already own into different, HNTDLAM-approved looks.

A Sloppy Shirt


This Gap tee is one of the most unstructured pieces of clothing I own. In case you haven't noticed, I'm kind of a high-detail super structured girl. While I think it's great, it can definitely look a little sloppy when I wear it with the wrong stuff -- especially my husband's basketball shorts. And who doesn't own a baggy white tee? If you don't, I would say you're probably a martian. Either way, you can totally update it by pairing it with skinnies. These are my beloved red ones and I scored them for $19. I just tucked the shirt in messily and added some heels and it's an instant upgrade. Another thing I sometimes do to make a white tee look more feminine is just roll the sleeves up once or twice. It just makes it look a little less I-won-this-at-a-school-fundraiser-esque,

A Button-Up (Or Button-Down I am So Conflicted)

Abercrombie Fitch long sleeve shirt, $24
Billabong long maxi skirt, $44
Wet Seal flat shoes, $15
Pewter jewelry, $13
Pendant, $15

I confess, I think I like button ups more than the average bear. It's like I'm just drawn to them because I love masculine styles with feminine touches. Yeah, button ups look super cute with boots, but how awesome would it be with something super girly, like a maxi skirt? Totally unexpected but still comfy enough to wear to lunch with the girls. I would wear major jewelry for fun but you could totally ditch the jewels and wear this to something super casual. It's a great way to get more mileage out of one super simple piece of clothing.

A Good Pair of Flats



I use flats to help tone down outfits that might be otherwise too va-va-voomy for regular use. It's like you can always get two outfits out of the same skirt: wear it with heels for superlong legs and to impress your hubby or tone it down with flats and you can wear it to a PTA meeting -- not that I have ever been to one. I wore this to something pretty casual, so out came the flats. Seriously, they are like no-fail footwear and you should absolutely fine a pair that you love. When it doubt, bring 'em out because they're more formal than sneakers but more casual than heels. Win-win, right?

A Pair of Straight-Legged Jeans

Old Navy fair isle cardigan, $30
Old Navy graphic tee, $17
H m blazer, £25
Quiksilver straight leg jeans, $42
High heels, $50
Toms shoes, $48
Fergalicious black flat boots, $40
Crystal earrings, $30

Miss Selfridge circle earrings, £8.50
TopShop white shawl, £22
Dorothy Perkins tan belt, $9

If you only had the budget to buy one pair of jeans, I would definitely recommend a dark wash straight-legged pair. If you already have some in your closet, you need to know how super versatile they are. I'm wearing mine today! Check out the outfits above. They all have the same jeans. But since the leg is straight, you can cuff it over heels, tuck it into boots or even wear them with your super casual outfits (So I love TOMS, shut up.) Most other jeans need a specific type of shoe to look good, but you can get away with all of them if you have a good straight legged pair. Seriously, try and see how many outfits you can put together with them and you might not need to do a lot of shopping.

A Skinny Belt



I make no apologies for this: I love my Walmart belt. It was super cheap and it's reversible between cream and white. All I have to do is click the belt buckle around. I wear it SO MUCH. Obviously. If you have a skinny belt on hand, you can update a ton of outfits by just slapping a belt around them. I love the cardigan in this picture, but on its own it can look really conservative and that's just not me. I'll seriously belt anything... cardigans, jackets, pencil skirts, you name it. It's an awesome way to define your waist and look like you know what you're doing in one fell swoop. Just don't wear it to Thanksgiving dinner or you'll feel like it's going to pop open and hit someone in the eye.... not that I know that from personal experience or anything.


So, I challenge you to take a look at your closet and identify it's good bones. You'll probably find that instead of having nothing to wear and being sick of anything, there's a few pieces that can be reworked and worn in different ways to make them look more flattering and current. And since that saves you money, you can send the rest of it to me! YAY!

PS: What is your favorite closet staple? I would definitely say my straight-legged jeans and my beloved boots, but I'll take suggestions!

What I Wore: When I Felt Fat

I hate missing a Freaky Friday post but Friday went completely out of control and I ended up with this instead.

I won't go into the nitty gritty details because after the whole pneumonia post you're probably like "OMG Jae shutup with the health stuff." Let's just say my Friday started off with a trip to the emergency room, a bag of fluid and five doses of morphine being pumped into me via IV and a weekend on straight narcotics. Is that enough information? I'm fine now, just a little dizzy and WAY behind on deadlines, but it'll be OK. Also... my house is a mess. My husband thinks that I'm the catalyst to a messy house, but look what happens after a weekend where I spent all my time in bed drooling on my pillow. YEAH THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

Anyway, I dragged myself out of bed on Sunday morning because I can't stand to be sick for long periods of time. Remember that time I spent a month and a half in the hospital? (Seriously, only click that link if you have 7 hours to read through those posts. I'm warning you now) Yeah, that'll cure you pretty fast from ever wanting to stay in bed, which usually means I push it when I'm still sick and end up sicker. Anyway, thanks to the fluid I had on Friday, I was pretty darn puffy. I probably would have gotten over it except my five year old told me I looked pregnant while I was getting dressed. Um, thanks. So I initiated my patented formula for fat day fashion -- a loose top and a cute blazer.


Cami: American Eagle
Blazer (Is it weird that I'm digging shoulder pads?): F21
Skirt: I can't remember! Somewhere in Canada when I went to visit my BFF.
Shoes: Windsor (Yes, THESE are the ones from my blog that my hubby bought for Christmas. WIN)
Pearls: Nordstrom
Locket: Vintage ca. 1945 (more about that later)
Bracelets: Charlotte Russe
Ring: F21
Pin: Local

So yeah, this is me puffy and on fluids. I am obsessed with this floaty cami because it hides everything. I wore it to Christmas dinner to hide the turkey baby I was carrying around afterward. Add a structured blazer or cami and it looks put together even though I was clearly on Percocet. GO ME.

After taking these pictures I had a four hour nap. Seriously, I don't even remember taking these.



When I wear a really subdued color palette, like cream on black, it means I wear more accessories. Here's a good closeup of everything together. Interesting without being too much.


How pretty is the bottom of this cami? Answer: very pretty. Pleats and ruffles and chiffon - I want it all. Also, check out this locket. It was a gift from my parents for Christmas -- a 1940s era Royal Canadian Air Force locket from WWII. They were called "Sweethearts lockets" because the men would send them home to their girlfriends and wives while in service. Pretty amazing, right? I've resolved to wear it as much as possible.

Anyway, I think I'm on the mend now, but don't be surprised if my next post is "How to Style Your Hospital Gown: 6 Ways to Glam Up the Green!"

Christmas Dish and New Year's Resolutions: 2012

(My house after the festivities. It's clean now and Christmas has been boxed up and thrown in the basement. It feels goooood. I actually missed seeing my floor.)

Now that everything is back to normal, did everyone have a good holiday? Mine was pretty good so I thought I'd better dish on what the hubs pulled out of his hat this year. First off, we decided to scale back this year because we traditionally get a little out of control, especially when it comes to buying for the kids. We set a limit on the number of presents for them and ourselves, which was a first. But we still did pretty well!

For one, my husband bought those lace heels in my Glammy Gifts post. YES! The Windsor ones that sold out right after that! He snagged a pair and I can't wait to show you them with an outfit. I'm not gonna lie, I wore them on Christmas I was so excited. He also got me a new handbag, which I needed desperately. You guys, I was still carrying a white cross-body bag after Labor Day THE HORROR. Now I have a super awesome black slouchy satchel with fringe detail and I'm in love. Also, it has leopard print on the inside. Score! But the most romantic he got me BY FAR was...

...wait for it....

A new desk chair! I know it sounds weird, but as a freelance writer I spend about 20 hours a week parked at my desk. My old chair was falling apart and had no padding left on the bottom and liked to fling me backwards at surprising times. My new one has awesome features like LUMBAR SUPPORT. That makes me feel old, but I actually cared about it. I am a big fan.

Anyway, enough about Christmas, it's time to talk New Year's resolutions. Last year I set out to work on being a better "me" and I think I succeeded. I wasn't as hard on myself as I usually was and I took some deep breaths to get through some stressful times in 2011.

Along with the usual eat better, exercise, read more and grow my nails resolutions that I usually set, I decided on another new one.

The other day I was in the shower, where I do my best thinking. I was thinking about how the words "mother" and "martyr" are so similar. I think a lot of mothers become martyrs without even thinking about it. Once you have a child, all of a sudden the old you dies a little death and you're suddenly someone's mom. The result is that you put someone else before you at all times.

Don't get me wrong. I love my kidlets and would do anything for them, but I had a little identity crisis after having my second. My daughter had a friend playing at our house and she kept saying "Addison's mom?" and I was like hold up, wait! I'm someone's mom? I mean, I had been for several years at that point but I'd never thought much about it.

As moms, there's something we all learn about too well from the start: sacrifice. We sacrifice sleep for a fed, diapered baby. We sacrifice careers to stay at home or sacrifice time with kids to work. We sacrifice a nap for a clean house and a clothing budget to keep our kids dressed. We sacrifice the dinner we want for chicken nuggets and macaroni and then sacrifice The Bachelor for another Netflixed episode of Go Diego Go. We essentially become martyrs the moment we become mothers because that's what you do when you have small humans that depend on you for everything.

But there are some things that I don't think are worth sacrificing. I think it's my opportunity and my responsibility to teach my children how to prioritize. Essentially, the things that they see me stressing over and putting first are those values that they'll come to prioritize themselves one day.

So I won't be the mom who brings the creative and healthy snack to kindergarten. But I still make time to go and help out a couple times a month.

I can't be the kind of mom who does a daily craft with her kids. But I will drag out their bikes so they can play outside.

I won't ever be the mom who carpools, brings her kids to piano, dance and flute lessons, but I can let me kids try new things.

I totally suck at baking from scratch, but I'll make sure my kids can help me pour the premade mix into the bowl.

I'm not the mom who plans daily learning opportunities for her kids, so how about a trip to the dinosaur museum and some frozen yogurt?

I've learned that while I might not be the most maternal person in the world, I can raise my kids on my own terms without being a complete martyr to who I really am as a person. I want to raise a daughter who is independent and plays by her own rules and a son who is curious and funny. I don't want them to think that being the best matters as much as doing your best matters. I can't do that if they see me as a complete slave to stuff that doesn't count.

So, my new year's resolution this year is to prioritize. Not only to show my kids what's really important, but to be a better mom because I'm me, not because I've killed off the old Jae to make room for someone who fakes it. I'll sacrifice my time, my energy and my terrible reality shows for my kids, but I won't sacrifice myself.

I know that my children are mine for a reason. No other mom will do as good of a job with them as I can, even a mom who bakes from scratch and does flash cards from birth. So I accept that challenge and will do the best with the tools and talents I have, even if that means the occasional meal from a box in exchange for pillow fights and making a fort with blankets instead. Because that's the kind of mom I am.



Thanks for another great year on HNTDLAM.

Kisses,

Jae


PS: So, now that I've revealed my resolution, what's yours?

PPS: For a great talk on choosing sacrifices and other resolution ideas, check this out.