Freaky Friday: Fun with Keywords

It's that time again! Time to go through my StatCounter to see what kind of crazy Google queries lead people to my blog. Don't get me wrong, I totally love the freaks that search for foot fetish pictures and man unicorns. They are basically half of my fan base. (HI FREAKS! KISSES!)

Anyway, I got a good little crop. And if today's post seems late today, that's because it is. I got hit with a massive computer virus this morning and spent like three hours fighting it off. I'm not sure if it's cmopletely gone. Then I was so keyed up over it I went shopping. I have a problem. I bought a swimsuit. It's been a weird day.

Anyway, here's the latest and greatest from my recent searches!

"When are you too old to wear a side ponytail?"

That, my friend, relies completely on the placement. A high side pony, like Deb?


After age two. If you are using Google, you're too old.

A low pony like yours truly?


I wear one like, every day of my life and I'm 27. I figure I can get away with it till at least 30.

"How can I wear wedges without looking like a whore?"

I actually LOLed at that one. Here's some examples:


These are dirty whore shoes.


These are lovely and lady like.



These have a face and are for whores.



These are colorful and fun.



Whore.

Are we settled? I feel like we should know the difference by now. Please email if you need further help on what constitutes as whore shoes.

"Do capris look good if you have large calves?"

I don't know. Do half-shirts look good if you have a beer belly?

"How to steal makeup."

SHAME ON YOU! Don't come to my blog ever again, Winona Ryder!!

"Mesh shirts."



Yeah, I'm going to have a shower. Like now. You don't even know what I had to dig through to find this picture. So... dirty...

"How to get a flat stomach like Lady Gaga."

Well, first of all don't come here. I generally think she's an idiot and rarely have anything good to say. BUT! I did read in "US Weekly," the fine publication that it is, that Lady Gaga attributes her new skinny body to "whiskey and starving."

So wait... what you're saying is....wait for it....she WASN'T born that way!? AHAHAHA.

What a fine role model for young girls across America.

"Capris and flip flops foot fetish."

Way to set that fetish bar high, random searcher. I just feel like having a fetish for something you see every day at Walmart is a little low brow, am I right?

Plus, ew.

Happy weekend friends! I have big plans to clean the house and then convince myself to go to the pool in said new swimsuit. Wish me luck!

Product Review!: e.l.f. Studio Cream Eyeliner

***Disclaimer: I was not reimbursed for this review. While I think it would be super cool if e.l.f. sent me free stuff all the time, I bought my product on my own and this is all pure honesty. That's how I roll.***

So it's no secret that I'm obsessed with e.l.f. products. Seriously, half the items in my makeup bag are from the brand. It's just that every time I order with them I usually have to meet a certain dollar amount for free stuff, which means I order like, 9 billion products because everything is so dang cheap. You'd think that at a $1 to $3 you'd be getting like, Bonne Bell Lip Smackers and nail files, but all the stuff is awesome.

The last order I did I noticed they had a new cream eyeliner. Have I also told you I'm obsessed with eyeliner? I've been using e.l.f. liquid liner pens forever and had an extra $3 to spare, so I added it to my cart.

Ooooh I am so glad that I did. This stuff is awesome. Now, it's not for the demurely makeuped. If you prefer a super natural (but not supernatural, that's completely different) look, you should know that this makes a very thick line. But if you like a little drama, like me, it's PERFECT.

I bought the plummy purple color because I have blue eyes. As a quick makeup note, if you want your eyes to stand out, wear an eye color that is opposite. Nothing bugs me more than seeing blue eyeshadow on a chick with blue eyes. (OK, fine. Social discrimination bugs me more. But blue eyeshadow is UP THERE.) If you want a quick refresher for eyeliner rules depending on eye color:

Blue eyes: Brown or plum
Green eyes: Brown or red/pink
Brown eyes: Navy blue
Hazel: Brown
All colors: Gray
No one ever: White

Anyway, this cream eyeliner stuff is pretty awesome. I use it to do a heavier cat eye on top when I'm going sans-liner on the bottom. I've also used it to add a little color and definition along the bottom lashes too and I was totally happy with the results. It comes with an adorable little brush that I lose on a near-daily basis, but it's perfect for lining. And I feel like if you have trouble with liquid liner but still want the drama, cream liner is the next best thing. You have way more control over the product so you're not getting liquid liner all over the place. And as a completely unnecessary note, the other day I had one of those massive liquid eyeliner malfunctions where I got it EVERYWHERE and looked like I was in a fight and had to wash my face completely and start over. It was a great day.

Also, this stuff lasts forever. It will not smudge because it dries and then it's on there until you do the scary thing at night when you go from hot mama to pajama-ridden, ponytailed sleep machine.

Anyway, totally worth a try if you have $3 lying around and you want to try something new. And I know you do! It's basically the price of a massive Cherry Limeade from Sonic. I totally stopped and got one at like 10:30 last night. I'm staring at the cup right now. My life is riveting.

EDIT!!


Alright, as per request, here's some pictures of the liner IN ACTION! So, I love me some cat eye, but since it's heavy on top I typically leave the bottom alone to avoid closing in the eye. It's super dramatic and retro and a lot easier to do with cream than it is liner.


Herrrrre's the whole effect. And now you know what my hair looks like in the morning. IGNORE THAT. Focus on the eyes. I've also got a layer of mascara on because I die without mascara. Seriously.

Hopefully that makes more sense! I always hesitate when posting pics of myself on the blog because I don't want everyone to be like OMG JAE STOP BEING SO VAIN. But if you need them, ask away and I shall feel validated.

The Shopping Diet

It's no secret that I love to shop. Obviously. And for some reason, it's always on a Friday. I just love the festivity of doing something fun and indulgent on Fridays to signify the end of another week. So that usually leads to my buying things for myself and OCCASIONALLY for my children.

But the month of May is a different story. Every May, I put myself on a shopping diet because I know Memorial Day is coming up. And Memorial Day is like Black Friday except for clothes instead electronics. Plus there's less overall trampling. Since I know that I'll probably go over my monthly shopping budget in one day, I stop buying things completely. For people who hate to shop, it's like "So what?" But for me, it's KILLER.

Yesterday I was getting dressed and I was so annoyed at everything in my closet. I was bugged that I didn't have anything new in rotation and had to make do with what I had. Which I KNOW is ridiculous because if you've ever seen my closet, you know that a lack of clothing is not my problem. And there are bigger problems in the world. At dinner time, if my kids won't eat, me and my husband lecture them that they have starving uncles in Africa. Because my brother legitimately lives in Botswana and is on a gluten-free diet. That is practically starving, in my opinion. I heart gluten.

So, to take up time until Saturday, I'm making a shopping list of the summer things I want to find while I'm out and about and grubbing for deals. It's the equivalent to going to the bakery while on a sugar detox. Basically I stop eating before Thanksgiving so I can binge on candied yams and pie. I don't know why I do this to myself.

On my shopping list:

Super bright summer accessories. I want to wear an arm of these with a plain white tee and walking shorts so it looks like I made an effort. (Cocobelle via Athleta)


Yellow wedges! I MUST FIND SOME. My cute sister in law came over wearing some adorbs yellow wedges and I had some major shoe envy going on. I want some of my own to wear with my white a-line skirt or khaki shorts. Plus, they'll look so cute with a tan. (Nine West)

White casual shoes. I've been wearing this pair of beat-up moccasins for like, four years and they are getting pretty grungy. It's just that I really only wear white shoes through the summer and I never think of getting a new pair when I go to get my mocs out of the closet and realize they smell and need to be glue-gunned together. (Target.)


Pretty summer dresses that I can wear with my cowboy boots all season. I love wearing dresses with scuffy, dirty boots. It's such a classic juxtaposition. Also, my country-boy husband wants to go to the Tim McGraw concert and far be it from me to be underdressed near Tim. (Jigsaw)



A preppy white or cream bag. I love to dress prep and my black bag is starting to look a little heavy for the warm weather. I'm looking for one with tons of detail. Love the two tone of this one EVEN THOUGH it is by Jessica Simpson. The girl cannot give up her Daisy Dukes and I cannot resist her shoes and bags. It's shameful on both of our parts.

I also need to get a swimsuit. I have been busting my butt at the gym lately so I don't feel the need to avert my eyes while trying them on. But I have no idea what I want. Maybe a vintage-y maillot? I shall return and report.

Is anyone else going to be on the prowl this weekend? Am I missing anything on my list?

Do You Have The Excuse Disease??

The number one reason you are not happy with yourself is because of something called "excuses". Believe me I have heard them all. People have told me they don't have the time, the money, the right shoes and I have even been told that they want to lose some weight before they start working out with me. I don't get it!

What I do know is that until you stop feeding yourself with all the reasons why you shouldn't do something it will never happen. Don't wait for tomorrow because it will never come. You will always be busy, believe me as the kids get older the schedule gets busier. There is never the perfect time to start eating right. There will always be BBQ's, birthday parties, work events and so on, so unless you decide to start now you will never start.

In December of last year I started to notice my left foot aching. I didn't really think anything of it, I more or less thought I was running too much so I adjusted my runs. In January when it started to get worse, I discovered that I had plantar fasciitis. I am still dealing with this. My physio says it takes a long time to recover from. I have been trying to do more traditional weight workouts instead of boot camp. I prefer the high intensity of boot camp, but at least I was still challenging my muscles.

Last Thursday while instructing a special boot camp for a team of fire fighters on the combat team (very fun workout) I rolled over on my ankle while demonstrating an exercise and sprained my left foot. Now I spent the next three days on crutches and all this week hobbling around.

I honestly was getting sick of resting (like I was told to do). I was feeling very "Blah" and needed to do something. On Wednesday it suddenly hit me, I had an epiphany. I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner really. I decided since I now couldn't put any pressure, or very little pressure on my foot I would ride my bike to work. That way I would get a good cardio session in every day. Brilliant!

Well, the last time I rode a bike for any length of time was about 2 years ago, but I have the sham bike shorts and a really good padded seat so I should be good. It's about a 15-20 minute car ride so I gave myself 30 minutes to get there. I knew I wasn't going to be dilly dallying so I rode as hard as I could. I was only riding for oh less than 5 minutes and my legs were killing me!

I was surprised how quickly I got to work. It only took me 23 minutes. After 2 days of riding my bike I could barely sit down, my butt hurt to even sit on a cushion. But, I'm not giving up, I have made it a goal to ride my bike every day to work (except if its pouring rain).

My point to this epiphany is that I could have used my foot injuries to not continue exercising. That would have been easy. The pain, I should rest and so on and so on, but there are always excuses, so my request for today is to not let excuses take over who you want to be.

5 Tips To A Safe Bike Ride

1) Always wear a helmet. You may feel like you like an idiot but it could save your life. (If you are going to ride at night be sure to have a light on the front and back of your bike and wear reflective clothing.

2) Assume that cars don't see you. When approaching an intersection, don't assume they see you. Be sure to watch them and be cautious.

3) Look where you want to go. If you stare a pot hole that you want to avoid, you are going to hit it.

4) Get a quick tune up. If it's been awhile, it will be worth having someone take a look at your bike and make sure it is functioning properly.

5) Have I.D and some money with you. If you go farther than you plan it might come in handy if you need to stop and re-fuel with a drink or snack.

Enjoy your Victoria Monday holiday:)

Committed to your fitness success,

Kelly Parker
www.fitmommakeover.net

Freaky Friday

Yaaaay Blogger isn't being a big d-bag mess today, which means I actually get to post my Freaky Friday. I've had some accumulating over the last couple of weeks in my "Ugly Fashion/Lady Gaga" folder on my computer, huzzah!


Something about Fergie's tunic seems oddly familiar. I wonder where I've seen it before...?

Aha!!! I see what you're doing Fergie. Tricky, tricky!



Low lady crotch pants make me suspicious. WHY do you need such a long crotch? It's like my brother when he was 16 at the top and me when I was 8 at the bottom.



HEY! Sketchy raccoon coin purse! Where's my money!?



So did you hear that Beyonce's dress was so tight at the Met Gala that she had to be carried up the stairs? BY TWO PEOPLE? I know I'm the only person in the world that ever watched the movie "America's Sweethearts," but it just reminds me of the scene where Catherine Zeda-Jones asks her assistant, "Did we brush my teeth?"

You are officially TOO famous if you don't even have to walk.


YESSSS now I know where the inspiration for my favorite video came from. You must watch. Immediately. Then have nightmares about baby heads.




From the 1990s Kindergarten Teacher collection. Also, WHO IS THIS SQUARE?



NO ONE ASKED YOU, SPONGEBOB!


I literally just had a seizure. Dramatic? Yes. Appropriate? You better believe it.


So APPARENTLY the Rapture is supposed to happen tomorrow, which I'm kind of bummed about since I had PLANS. But if Rapture does happen, I hope all of the people wearing coral doctor's jackets are left behind. Because that is an abomination. (Z SNAP!)


These pants make me lose all will to live. Elastic bottoms? Really? Just wear your husband's sweatpants.



Lady Gaga released her latest album via Farmville this week. And to that I say.... "Nice nipple tape." Also, Facebook friends who play Farmville get an automatic blocking from me. Passive aggressive. I was born this way.

Ask Jae: What to Wear With Navy?

Yay! Having questions to answer makes me a happy person! Because I get to play and make outfits and avoid work all morning long. If you email me a question, chances are I'll just email you back personally, unless it's information everyone can use.

Shanna sent me an email last week about what to wear with a navy cocktail dress:

I am going to a formal/black tie dinner for my husband's work in a couple weeks. I found a gorgeous knee-length navy satin dress that I love. Here's my question... do I wear pantyhose? Everything I read says pantyhose are out, but my legs are seriously pasty white! If I do wear pantyhose, would you recommend nude or black? Also, do I need to wear navy shoes with a navy dress, or would black shoes be ok?

Is there anything more fear-inducing than a husband's work function? It's like we all feel like our hubby's future success at a job lies in our hands. Or clothes, as it were. We want to look put together and attractive so that everyone at work can see how GOOD our husband's have it. And we want our husbands to not be embarrassed by us. I can understand that.

First of all, good on you for finding a dress you love. The outfits pictured here are with A navy cocktail dress, but not THE cocktail dress, but the style points will work with any style. PS it looked a lot more navy on my desktop but black on my laptop. USE YOUR IMAGINATION!

When it comes to legs, bare are king during the summer months. Tights are simply more of a winter thing. Does that mean you can't wear them? Absolutely not. You can totally get away with them in a pattern, rather than a solid. This updates the whole look and keeps it from looking too heavy.

Miss Selfridge pleated dress, 38 GBP
White House Black Market lace stocking, $15
Forever21 stiletto heels, $23
Dorothy Perkins metal bracelet, 3 GBP
Cubic zirconia jewelry, $35

When wearing patterned tights, it's important that you let them be a focal point. I tend to wear my patterned tights with more muted tones, especially when for a fancy schmancy party. You're not going to a rave here, so crazy shoes and jewelry must stay at home. But seriously, how cute and festive are these shoes? I chose black over navy because matching your shoes and your dress may come off as bridesmaid-sy. We do not want that. Also, you're going to need a clutch. I love the idea of a lacy one that mimics the look of the tights to pull it all together. I would say go with this look if you're a little more conservative.

Now if you're willing to bare those legs, you can make your dress look more summery with different accessories.

Miss Selfridge pleated dress, 38 GBP
Qupid lace up heels, $28
Star by Julien Macdonald sequin handbag, 28 GBP
Earring, $43
Summer jewelry, 16 GBP

This is a more modern and fashion forward way to style the same dress for a different look. I love, love, LOVE turquoise with navy. It's just enough pop to give the dress interest without looking too kookookachoo. Then, I would prefer nude pumps. These are going to look the most season appropriate. (And are SMOKING hot, I may add. Find them here. I am buying them.) They will also make your legs look superlong.

(This is the back view of those shoes. I might die.)

A note about white legs. First of all, fairness is nothing to be ashamed of. I am SO WHITE. And I am not referring to the fact that I sometimes say "suckaz" like I'm cool. I mean literally, I am white in color. I've learned to deal with my fairness, but I have been known to get a Mystic Tan for special occasions. You can check to see if you have one in your area. If you're pale, go for a level one. It literally takes five minutes and is enough to make you all glowy and pretty. But seriously, don't let white legs confine you to wearing tights all summer long.

Alright, bloggy friends. Which outfit do you think Shanna should go to her hubby's work function in?

Healthy Choices to Guarantee A Flat Stomach

Summer is officially a little over a month away. Do you want a flat stomach and toned body that is beach worthy? You can, and I'm going to help you get it all by summer.

I know you know, you should be eating well, so I'm not going to spend too much time on why you should be eating well, what I do want to do today is give you some examples of exactly what you should be eating to make sure you get that flat stomach and toned body.

Having a very specific plan will help you reach your goals and although it may not be a piece of cake (literally) it will definitely make your flat stomach a reality.

Although this is by no means a complete list, it is a great start. Remember to combine a protein and carb with every meal and load up on your veggies.

Proteins
Turkey, Chicken, Lean beef/pork
Eggs, Egg whites, Sirloin steak
Soy Products/low fat cottage cheese
Low fat ricotta, Haddock Salmon
Mackeral, Shrimp/lobster/crab/tuna

Carbohydrates:
Grains
Whole grain bread (1 slice)
Whole grain pita/bagel/wrap (1/2)
Steamed brown rice (1/2 cup cooked)
Steamed wild rice (1/2 cup cooked)
Whole grain pasta (1/2 cup cooked)
Oatmeal, quick cooking (1/2 cup cooked)
Legumes (1/2 cup)
Vegetables
Artichoke, Asparagus, Beans, Broccoli
Brussel Sprouts, Cabbage, Carrots, Cauliflower
Celery, Cucumber, Green beans
Peppers, Lettuce, Onions, Mushrooms
Peas, Potato (starch), Pumpkin
Spinach, Sweet potato (starch), Squash
Tomato Zucchini

Fruits
Apple, Berries, Pear, Watermelon
Cantaloupe, Citrus fruits (orange, grapefruit etc)

Fats
Avocado (1/4) Extra virgin olive oil (1 tbsp)
Nuts: 15 almonds Saflower oil (1 tbsp)
20 peanuts Flax oil (1 tbsp)
12 walnut halves Pumpkin oil (1 tbsp)

Committed to your fitness success,
Kelly Parker
www.fitmommakeover.net