Freaky Friday

Yaaaay Blogger isn't being a big d-bag mess today, which means I actually get to post my Freaky Friday. I've had some accumulating over the last couple of weeks in my "Ugly Fashion/Lady Gaga" folder on my computer, huzzah!


Something about Fergie's tunic seems oddly familiar. I wonder where I've seen it before...?

Aha!!! I see what you're doing Fergie. Tricky, tricky!



Low lady crotch pants make me suspicious. WHY do you need such a long crotch? It's like my brother when he was 16 at the top and me when I was 8 at the bottom.



HEY! Sketchy raccoon coin purse! Where's my money!?



So did you hear that Beyonce's dress was so tight at the Met Gala that she had to be carried up the stairs? BY TWO PEOPLE? I know I'm the only person in the world that ever watched the movie "America's Sweethearts," but it just reminds me of the scene where Catherine Zeda-Jones asks her assistant, "Did we brush my teeth?"

You are officially TOO famous if you don't even have to walk.


YESSSS now I know where the inspiration for my favorite video came from. You must watch. Immediately. Then have nightmares about baby heads.




From the 1990s Kindergarten Teacher collection. Also, WHO IS THIS SQUARE?



NO ONE ASKED YOU, SPONGEBOB!


I literally just had a seizure. Dramatic? Yes. Appropriate? You better believe it.


So APPARENTLY the Rapture is supposed to happen tomorrow, which I'm kind of bummed about since I had PLANS. But if Rapture does happen, I hope all of the people wearing coral doctor's jackets are left behind. Because that is an abomination. (Z SNAP!)


These pants make me lose all will to live. Elastic bottoms? Really? Just wear your husband's sweatpants.



Lady Gaga released her latest album via Farmville this week. And to that I say.... "Nice nipple tape." Also, Facebook friends who play Farmville get an automatic blocking from me. Passive aggressive. I was born this way.

Ask Jae: What to Wear With Navy?

Yay! Having questions to answer makes me a happy person! Because I get to play and make outfits and avoid work all morning long. If you email me a question, chances are I'll just email you back personally, unless it's information everyone can use.

Shanna sent me an email last week about what to wear with a navy cocktail dress:

I am going to a formal/black tie dinner for my husband's work in a couple weeks. I found a gorgeous knee-length navy satin dress that I love. Here's my question... do I wear pantyhose? Everything I read says pantyhose are out, but my legs are seriously pasty white! If I do wear pantyhose, would you recommend nude or black? Also, do I need to wear navy shoes with a navy dress, or would black shoes be ok?

Is there anything more fear-inducing than a husband's work function? It's like we all feel like our hubby's future success at a job lies in our hands. Or clothes, as it were. We want to look put together and attractive so that everyone at work can see how GOOD our husband's have it. And we want our husbands to not be embarrassed by us. I can understand that.

First of all, good on you for finding a dress you love. The outfits pictured here are with A navy cocktail dress, but not THE cocktail dress, but the style points will work with any style. PS it looked a lot more navy on my desktop but black on my laptop. USE YOUR IMAGINATION!

When it comes to legs, bare are king during the summer months. Tights are simply more of a winter thing. Does that mean you can't wear them? Absolutely not. You can totally get away with them in a pattern, rather than a solid. This updates the whole look and keeps it from looking too heavy.

Miss Selfridge pleated dress, 38 GBP
White House Black Market lace stocking, $15
Forever21 stiletto heels, $23
Dorothy Perkins metal bracelet, 3 GBP
Cubic zirconia jewelry, $35

When wearing patterned tights, it's important that you let them be a focal point. I tend to wear my patterned tights with more muted tones, especially when for a fancy schmancy party. You're not going to a rave here, so crazy shoes and jewelry must stay at home. But seriously, how cute and festive are these shoes? I chose black over navy because matching your shoes and your dress may come off as bridesmaid-sy. We do not want that. Also, you're going to need a clutch. I love the idea of a lacy one that mimics the look of the tights to pull it all together. I would say go with this look if you're a little more conservative.

Now if you're willing to bare those legs, you can make your dress look more summery with different accessories.

Miss Selfridge pleated dress, 38 GBP
Qupid lace up heels, $28
Star by Julien Macdonald sequin handbag, 28 GBP
Earring, $43
Summer jewelry, 16 GBP

This is a more modern and fashion forward way to style the same dress for a different look. I love, love, LOVE turquoise with navy. It's just enough pop to give the dress interest without looking too kookookachoo. Then, I would prefer nude pumps. These are going to look the most season appropriate. (And are SMOKING hot, I may add. Find them here. I am buying them.) They will also make your legs look superlong.

(This is the back view of those shoes. I might die.)

A note about white legs. First of all, fairness is nothing to be ashamed of. I am SO WHITE. And I am not referring to the fact that I sometimes say "suckaz" like I'm cool. I mean literally, I am white in color. I've learned to deal with my fairness, but I have been known to get a Mystic Tan for special occasions. You can check to see if you have one in your area. If you're pale, go for a level one. It literally takes five minutes and is enough to make you all glowy and pretty. But seriously, don't let white legs confine you to wearing tights all summer long.

Alright, bloggy friends. Which outfit do you think Shanna should go to her hubby's work function in?

Healthy Choices to Guarantee A Flat Stomach

Summer is officially a little over a month away. Do you want a flat stomach and toned body that is beach worthy? You can, and I'm going to help you get it all by summer.

I know you know, you should be eating well, so I'm not going to spend too much time on why you should be eating well, what I do want to do today is give you some examples of exactly what you should be eating to make sure you get that flat stomach and toned body.

Having a very specific plan will help you reach your goals and although it may not be a piece of cake (literally) it will definitely make your flat stomach a reality.

Although this is by no means a complete list, it is a great start. Remember to combine a protein and carb with every meal and load up on your veggies.

Proteins
Turkey, Chicken, Lean beef/pork
Eggs, Egg whites, Sirloin steak
Soy Products/low fat cottage cheese
Low fat ricotta, Haddock Salmon
Mackeral, Shrimp/lobster/crab/tuna

Carbohydrates:
Grains
Whole grain bread (1 slice)
Whole grain pita/bagel/wrap (1/2)
Steamed brown rice (1/2 cup cooked)
Steamed wild rice (1/2 cup cooked)
Whole grain pasta (1/2 cup cooked)
Oatmeal, quick cooking (1/2 cup cooked)
Legumes (1/2 cup)
Vegetables
Artichoke, Asparagus, Beans, Broccoli
Brussel Sprouts, Cabbage, Carrots, Cauliflower
Celery, Cucumber, Green beans
Peppers, Lettuce, Onions, Mushrooms
Peas, Potato (starch), Pumpkin
Spinach, Sweet potato (starch), Squash
Tomato Zucchini

Fruits
Apple, Berries, Pear, Watermelon
Cantaloupe, Citrus fruits (orange, grapefruit etc)

Fats
Avocado (1/4) Extra virgin olive oil (1 tbsp)
Nuts: 15 almonds Saflower oil (1 tbsp)
20 peanuts Flax oil (1 tbsp)
12 walnut halves Pumpkin oil (1 tbsp)

Committed to your fitness success,
Kelly Parker
www.fitmommakeover.net

How to Hide a Superhonkinginormous Zit.

K, whatever. We all get them. Don't be bashful.

I will be the first to admit that my skin sucks. I have super combination skin that is half dry, half oily and super sensitive. (Thanks, redhead mom.) Because of this, nearly everything irritates my skin and I can only purchase products that declare SENSITIVE and FOR LITTLE BABIES LIKE YOU on the label. So I've had to learn to cope with my craptastic skin, and that means covering the zit that occurred as a result of my overzealous facial cream application.

The problem I always see when girls are trying to cover up zits is using WAY too much makeup. Instead of hiding the zit, it creates a neon sign that says "My skin is like a 14 year old boy's!" And we don't want that, do we?

Instead, we're going to use some corrective coloring and a soooooper light hand to hide the zit so you don't feel awkward or suggest that you eat somewhere with dim lighting. Unless you're in to that kind of thing.

Here we go. Let's do some role play and I'll walk you through this. You wake up in the morning because your neighbor's dog is barking outside of your window. Or in my case, the neighbor's chickens. Not barking, clucking. Barking would be weird. ANYWAY. You stumble to the bathroom and see that horror of horrors, you have a zit. CALM DOWN. It will be fine.

1) Shower or else you'll feel gross and greasy all day. Wash your face with a mild cleanser.

2) Moisturize. Use something light and allow it to completely absorb before you attempt anything else.

3) Use a green cream concealer and dot the product lightly over the zit. This will tame the redness so it's not so obvious. If you tend to apply too much makeup, use your ring finger or a small brush to lighten up.

4) Dot foundation over your face and place ONE DOT on the zit. ONE. Then blend with your fingertips to cover.

5) Use a brush with short, rounded bristles to apply powder. Instead of swirling the powder around your face, stipple. This is what will make your skin look normal rather than cakey around your zit. Otherwise you just have a weirdly textured bump on your skin and who wants that. Just dab at the area with your short brush until everything's blended and then finish applying powder to the rest of your face.

How easy was that? Five steps and your zit is gonzo. Or at least gonzo until you wash your makeup off at night. But then only your husband can see you, and I feel like after a certain amount of time, they just stop caring about your zits. Especially if you have boobs too. If your husband ever makes a comment about a zit, just say "May I direct your attention to my chest?"

Because boobs are the greatest concealer of all, my friends. See? I even made a diagram. Can you even tell I had a zit in this picture? No. You can barely tell that this picture was inexplicably taken in a pig pen. It's all been CONCEALED!


(PS I apologize to my brothers who sometimes read this blog. I don't think they ever wanted to see a Paint-altered photo of me in which my boobs are labeled. Family dinner will be awkward.)

Makeup Week: Jae's Guide to Corrective Coloring

We haven't had a theme week in so long and I miss it! Plus I just did a makeup buying binge and I spent like two hours playing with it all and now I feel like talking about face paint.

Specifically corrective color. No, that's not what you do when you accidentally dye your hair bright yellow in an effort to look like Gwen Stefani. Corrective color is a makeup technique which uses different colors of primer and concealor in order to camouflage super common skin problems. I first started using corrective coloring when I had my first baby and learned that I looked perpetually dead tired. Even when I wasn't, I looked like the Corpse Bride after months of that time warp that is having a new baby. Once I figured out how to use different colors to my advantage I learned to fake it like I was bright and perky and well rested.

And then we laughed and laughed...

Anyway, it's a super easy concept. A flawless face is evenly toned. In order to fake it like you have an even tone, you need to neutralize problem areas. How do you neutralize dark circles, a zit or rosacea? By covering it with the color that is opposite your problem area on the color wheel. Does that make any sense? For instance, say you have one of the awful zits that sits under the skin and never emerges and makes you feel like punching a baby seal every time you accidentally touch it. Since green is opposite red on the color wheel, a green concealor will neutralize the red before you put on your foundation to cover it completely. Brilliant!

You can use four different colors in order to correct the various flaws on your face. Green is best for red, like zits, sunburn or rosacea. I use yellow to neutralize purple and blue, which usually show up under my eyes when I've been up all night watching basketball with my husband and wishing I were dead. Pink can help neutralize gray, which is awesome if your skin looks sallow from tiredness. You can also use a blue makeup to help tone down yellow and orange tones should you apply a makeup that is too yellowy. (I've also used blue to cover one of those nasty fading yellow bruises on my leg when I was wearing a skirt. That totally makes me sound like a battered woman. I promise it was because I shut my leg into a car door. Who does that?)

When covering flaws that change the texture of the skin, I prefer a cream-based color. It helps to smooth over any bumpy areas while filling in any divots lefts by scarring or anything like that. If I want to just change the color and my texture is fine, I like a powder, like under my eyes. It's lighter.

If you want to try using corrective color, start with a bare face. Apply your color BEFORE your foundation, otherwise you will have a colorful rainbow face and that's weird. So I might apply a mixture of yellow and pink under my eyes to tame the purple and gray areas while using a bit of green around my nose where I tend to be redder. THEN I brush on my foundation (I use Bare Minerals) and I'm good to go. It totally fakes the appearance of smooth, flawless skin without caking a ton of concealer and foundation over the problems, which totally just makes them more obvious BY THE WAY.

As for products, I like something that gives me more for my money. I've liked both Physician's Formula and ELF because both offer kits with several colors that you can blend and brush to my little heart's delight.

Now that we know how to use corrective color, tomorrow we'll discuss using the technique to cover a superhonkinginormous zit. Which I really feel should not be an issue at age 27, but c'est la vie. It happens to the best of us.

Do You Have Baby Fat To Lose??

Do you think that because you had a baby or two or even three that you can't lose your baby fat?

I have to be honest with you, I have three girls whom I all love to death and wouldn't change for anything but it does take a toll on the body. Be pregnant changed my body in ways I couldn't have dreamed. Did you know that your feet can change permanently while pregnant? Along with my feet I saw changes in my hips, but even though I saw some changes in my body after having children, I didn't allow having children become an excuse. I didn't allow it to become an excuse to eat anything I want or not to exercise because I'm too busy. I have to admit, I had to become a little more creative with my workouts but I always get them in-even if it's only 10 min.

I was recently reading an article about 4 moms who worked hard and lost their baby fat ( I like to be inspired as well) and it confirmed to me what I already know, but it's nice to read about people having great success after going through one of the most challenging things a body can do. It also proved to me once more that with hard work and determination anyone can get the results they want.

I know first hand what having a baby can do to your body, but I also know that after my second daughter who I gained 10 more pounds with than my first, I was also in the best shape of my life after 12 weeks of hard work.

How To Lose Your Baby Fat.

1) Don't wait too long to start getting back into shape. Of course make sure you have the green light from your doctor, but if you keep putting it off it will only get harder.

2)No Excuses. Now that you have a baby in your life, life will never be the same again. Time will never be just yours and you have someone else to think about, but that doesn't mean you get to completely ignore yourself. The best thing about babies is that they will sleep anywhere (most of the time). Take them out in the stroller and do your exercises outside. Join a stroller class. Not only will you get out, you will meet other moms with the same goal as yourself.

3) Workout at Home. The great thing with workouts is that you don't need to go to the gym to get a great workout in. You can invest in some simple inexpensive equipment like dumbbells, a stability ball and some tubes and you have everything you need for a challenging workout in your living room.

4) Just Get Started. Don't wait for the perfect time because it will never come. You will always be tired, and you will always have laundry to do. If you wait for a better time it will never come and you could end up spending years waiting. If you have 10 min. then get it in then. I have do power workouts before and believe me when I say that you can pack in alot in 10 min.

My favourite do anywhere exercises:

1. interval training for cardio. You can walk or run (when you are ready). You can do it outside or on a treadmill or bike.

2. Lunges. As you know, this is my favourite all time exercise. It targets the entire lower body.

3. Burpees. You can do these anywhere and it gets your heart rate really going.

4. Push Ups- A great over all upper body exercise.

5. Bicycle Abs.

Don't give in to the excuses. Just because you have a baby doesn't mean you have to look like you have a baby. You determine what you are going to look like not your baby. Set your goals, be consistent and you will see great results.

Committed to your fitness success,
Kelly Parker
www.fitmommakeover.net

Freaky Friday: Makeup

So next week is going to be makeup week! YAY! I'm excited because it gives me an excuse to buy new makeup. And I thought I'd better preface it with some really bad makeup, so when I do tips and tutorials next week, you'll be like OMG Jae is a genius! It kinda goes with the whole smoke and mirrors thing. Shhhh don't tell.



I'd be scared except for that delightful daisy on his head.


Just in case you were looking to bring the age old clown fantasy to life. It's the nose that turns me on.



I really don't think I like her demeanor.


I don't know what's going on in this picture, but I can only assume it's one of the places that Stefan was talking about. Stefan makes me cry with laughter and a little uncomfortable at the same time.



Hey! Not only do you get to see a closeup of creepy blow up doll makeup, but it comes with a tutorial too! I want to see this at the next PTA meeting, k?


Don't look at me. I didn't paint you like the most depressed clown ever.


Silver eyeliner in the daytime? For shame, Gaga, FOR SHAME. (I've decided that if I don't acknowledge her constant search for shock then she'll start dressing like a human being. Fingers crossed!)


One time one of my best friends had a little too much to drink and then asked me to do her makeup. In the process, she started crying and her makeup ran down her eyes and I convinced her that it looked "Heroin Chic" and sent her back to the party. I haven't the slightest clue as to why the memory was triggered just now.

Alright, so next week when it's all about makeup you can be impressed by my skillz. If not, come back to this post and then read again and I promise you will.