Freaky Friday

Yay Friday! It's my daughter's birthday weekend, so I have to get moving. Did I ever tell you never to have two children in the same birth month? What a terrible, terrible idea. I so want this over.

THEN! I'm going to see my best friend in Canada on Thursday (so you're going to have to do without a Freaky Friday posting) because I will be here. No biggies, it's just my shopping MECCA and I haven't been in like ten years. And it's not like I've been socking money away in my secret shopping account that my husband doesn't know about so I can blow it all on a marathon shopping spree or anything.

Anyhow, onto the post!



I feel like Lady Gaga is going to read my blog and be like "YES! Yes! I have been looking everywhere for an amoeba dress! Thank you, Jae. You've inadvertently helped your greatest enemy." And then she'll snap her fingers, and her tiny purple little people assistants (which I can only assume she has) will run off to their secret golden sewing room and make one while listening to "Bad Romance" on replay, after which she'll pay them in spankings.

Gaga ooh la la, indeed.

There are so many things wrong with this vest. It a SHAWL COLLAR, GREEN CHENILLE, KANGAROO POCKET vest, people. Why even buy this? Just go ahead and sign up for the PTA craft swap now.


Ugh, AGAIN with the harem pants. Am I the only one who thinks they just make you look like you have droopy saddlebags?


But, just in case harem pants aren't enough, invest in a whole harem outfit. You know what? I can respect this as a complete and utter commitment to dressing badly.

PS, where would you even wear this??

Don't you hate it when you're rushing out the door, kids, keys and phone in hand, you get to our kid's school and step out to drop him off, only to realize you've totally forgotten to put on PANTS? So embarrassing, right? Don't worry. It happens to the best of us.


Could this smack anymore of Paula Deen and meatloaf? Sweet mother. Also, I heard Paula Deen was going to be a guest judge on American Idol. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO OUR SOCIETY?


K, are the horseshoes even necessary? I fell like they are just a smidgen too literal.


My awesome cousin in Canada sent me this gem. Get ready for this.

It's a bra.

With prepasted nipples.

So you can look cold all of the time, yet still have the support of a good bra.

Like Demi Moore, on the cover of G.I. Jane.

It was $2000. Or $2,200, for my Canadian friends.

JGFSJHG@#MFKJHGLKJ.

Sorry, that was me hitting my head against the computer.

Big Girl Color Combos

I think that after a long winter, everyone just starts hitting autopilot when it comes to getting dressed in the morning. Even previously super cute clothes become drab daily wear when you never change it up. And I know it gets totally hard to be inspired to look good everyday when all you have is play-doh rolling on the docket.

That's why I find just switching up my color combos to something newer and fresher can take a drab outfit and breathe new life into it. I think so often we get stuck in the "red and black" rut that we can't see past the usual color combos. But switching things up and trying something new totally makes you look like you went shopping, when all you did was rifle through your closet for a while.

Big girl color combos are those that you may not immediately pair together, but they are much more sophisticated. I like to use black as an accent color more than basing my entire outfit from it, so I can claw my way out of the black box we all put ourselves in.

Combo #1: Red and Navy

I love love love red and navy together. It's crisp and clean, and has an awesome nautical vibe to it. Be careful when pairing with white, you may come across as looking very patriotic. Unless of course, that was your point, like me and my daughter were doing here:

It was the Fourth of July, okay? Don't judge me. Plus, I never ever get a chance to wear my white cargo pants.

So anyway, I feel like black is a much more sophisticated way to accent a navy and red outfit:

Items in this set:
Flutter Rosette Top, $16
Old Navy Womens The Flirt Wide-Leg Trouser Jeans, $19
Rocket Dog Capucinedb, $36
Furla 'Elizabeth' Medium Leather Handbag
Pretty In Pearls Metallic Blue Drop Earrings, $18

So pretty and clean!!

Combo #2: Gray and Orange

Did I ever tell you that I ALWAYS spell "gray" wrong? I went to Grade One with a kid named Stephen Grey, and to this day can't remember which is the right way to spell the color.

I love orange as an accent color to gray because I feel like orange gets paired with brown to often, and it always looks autumn-y. Which is fine for say, autumn, but not so good the rest of the year. It's unexpected and polished, without being too fuddy duddy.

Items in this set:
Black/white ruched bust shirt, 20 GBP
Orange V Neck Cardigan, 10 GBP
High-waist pencil skirt, $435
Women's shoes/bags: AK Anne Klein Sweet Pea - Black, $50
Merona® Satchel - Black : Target bag purse, $20

Okay, so while this outfit looks conservative, a cool pair of patterned tights makes it current without looking prostitute-secretary. Also, I love that with gray/grey you can play with texture. Tweed shoes? Yes, please!

Combo #3 - Brown and Purple

But Jae, you say, what do I do with all of my brown clothes if I can't wear them with orange? The answer? Purple! Yay! I love purple/violet/plum clothes. They look rich while still being low maintenance, and I have yet to see a person that purple looks bad on. Purple looks fine with gray or black, but parining it with brown brings out the richer tones.

Items in this set:
Asymmetrical Triangle Ruffle Tank, $16
Grey Heart Pocket Blazer, 30 GBP
John Lewis Women Brushed Sateen Trouser, Chocolate,, 27 GBP
Women's shoes/bags: Restricted Ashlee - Cream, $50
Monsoon Accessorize - 3 x Mixed Heart & Flower Brooch Set, 10 GBP

I love the idea of this for a nice date night. And I love pairing it with a clutch that has different variations of the same color in it. Le sigh, I want it.

Combo #4 - Yellow, black and white...with a little red thrown in for good measure.

Black and white never, never, never goes out of style. It ALWAYS looks put together and pretty, and it's obviously easy to put together. Throwing on a few colored accessories when you're wearing black and white makes it look pretty and springy without looking crazy.

Items in this set:
White cuff sleeve v-neck top, 7 GBP
A-line Flower Skirt, $23
Michael Antonio Kerrel Open Toe Pump - Free Overnight Shipping &..., $40
Coquette: 22 posts from May 2008 Lemondrops necklace
Mossimo® Black: Four Poster Tote - Red : Target, $25

I so, so love this skirt. It's floral while still being current. The yellow shoes? I die. This would be so cute going to church, or even doing family pictures in (another topic I plan to tackle next week). It makes the black and white less ordinary.

So, look in your closet and see what colors you can pair together that you hadn't previously thought of. Your wardrobe doesn't have to stop at black, white and red.

Hey!! What's black and white and red all over?

A sunburned pilgrim! AHAHAHAHA.

Faking a Full Night's Sleep

K, so this is much more about makeup than it is about fashion, but wouldn't you agree that they totally go hand in hand?

So, I had a rough night last night. You see, my husband is a very big Utah Jazz fan. And last night, they were losing. Badly. By 25 points. Except in the last THREE minutes they somehow ended up coming back, which means that I was coerced into staying up very late to watch them win. I was passed out on the couch for the last three minutes, which by basketball minutes actually means the last half hour (are all of the timeouts REALLY necessary?) So. I finally got to bed at midnight, only to be woken at six by my very chipper morning baby.

I am not one that functions well on little sleep. When I have a new baby I get that zombie look in my eyes. And while I can talk myself into being a morning person, it doesn't necessarily mean I really want to be one. I need my eight hours, thanks.

So, as I got ready this morning, I pulled out all of my makeup tricks to make me look fresh and awake, because SOMEHOW I deteriorate into a gremlin over night while my husband wakes up looking relatively the same as he did before he went to bed.

UNFAIR.

I think using makeup to make yourself look awake has much more to do with color than it does technique. Observe.


So I start with gold eyeshadow. Lots of gold eyeshadow. For daytime, a sheer liquid eyeshadow functions much better than a scary Studio 54 powder. I good daytime shadow should make your skin more glowy than it does gold-y, if that makes any sense. I put it all over my top lids, and then in the creases of my eyes, near the tear ducts. It brings a little light in the eyes, and it doesn't have that weird hooker-y effect that white eyeshadow can have in the same application. OMG, remember when all of the easy girls at school would wear white eyeliner? Memories. Anyhoo, this is a Creme Eyeshadow by Yves Rocher that I love.


Curling eyelashes are a MUST. Especially when you feel all droopy and tired. Remember to curl them three times, once at the base, then the middle and then the end. And I went all out and bought what was SUPPOSED to be a very snazzy eyelash curler, but I hated it. I end up using my $1 E.L.F. one every time. It's easily the best that I've tried. And hello!? ONE DOLLAR.


Finish with one coat of mascara. Yeah, you read right. Don't use eyeliner when you already have tired eyes. It just brings all of the attention to them and darkens them and is like "HEY! CHECK OUT MY PREMATURE AGING LINES!" If you're feeling naked without your eyeliner, just wiggle the mascara wand right at the base of your lashes and deposit some color there. Leave the bottom lashes bare, they'll get enough color just from your blinking. You don't want to close your eyes in, you want them to look open and bright. Also, I worship Diorshow mascara so that's what I use. But honestly, drugstore brands are usually just as good.


(Urban Decay)
Okay, onto the bronzer. Totally use foundation if you feel the need to, but I feel like when your skin is tired, foundation looks a lot better with a squirt (hee hee - funny word) of moisturizer mixed in. I always use bronzer since I pretty much look like death warmed over without it. When I apply bronzer, I use a "number three" technique I picked up from heaven knows wear. Starting at the middle of your forehead, draw a number three on the side of your face with the bronzer brush (use a fluffy brush, not the cheap crappy one that comes with the makeup) Does that make sense? So you hit your forehead, the top of your cheekbones and your chin with one swoop. Lovely.

A cheek tint is 100 percent the way to go on tired days. instead of looking cakey and powdery, it makes your skin look like it is radiating color. The trick is to choose a color that is psychotically bright in the tube. I use the one on the left, and I am very fair skinned (thanks, redhead mother). It looks like ridiculously pink, but it goes on very sheer, so you can layer up the intensity. And it smells really good! Anyhow, it's from Victoria Secret and I love. And you'll love looking all flushed and radiant.



(Stila)
Finally, top it off with a peachy lip gloss. It'll bring some light to your lips and peach is pretty much universally flattering because it allows your natural lip color to shine through. You'll look all kissable and lively.

It's basically a universal truth that if you've had children, you can basically kiss your long, luxurious nights goodbye. If I could go back and talk to my teenage self I'd be like "JAE! Go home and get some sleep! What are you doing staying up past two in the morning? One day you're going to be getting up for the third time by two and totally miss having a choice in the matter!"

But, even if the Jazz miraculously win a game and my son is pretending he's a rooster, I can *look* awake, even if I don't *feel* awake.

And on that note, I'm taking a nap.

PS: Sorry no Maternity Monday post. Jenna is pretty much almost done with her pregnancy, so I've invited another one of my hot preggo pals to write for you, and she'll start next week. Be excited!

If I Had Thirty Dollars...

So the other day a cheque (check for you born and bred Yankees) for $30 arrived in the mail for me unexpectedly. Since the $30 wasn't going to make much difference to my bank account either way, I resolved to spend it on something pretty for myself. (Moi? Shopping for moi? Unheard of.)

There are likely some naysayers who scoff at my $30. "$30!?" They say. "Shame on you. You should only buy expensive designer pieces, or none at all!" Well, I say that is crazy talk. There is a lot of good style that can be bought for a paltry $30. And since I feel like I've been doing a lot of Freaky Friday posts as of late, I am far too chipper about my $30 to rain on anyone's fashion parade. Instead I give you some awesome buys for $30 and below.




I think I've sung my song of love for trouser jeans before, have I not. I got a pair at the Gap for a measly $6 and I LOOOVE them. LOVE. And you wear them and people are like "ooh, what's the occasion?" and you're like "Um, I like wearing pants?" Anyway, I couldn't find mine from Gap BUT I did find these for $20 at Alloy.com.


Ooh, I love a good multiple strand necklace. Yes, they get tangled and then you have to have your sister in law detangle them while you frantically get ready to go out (This may have happened to me once) but they're so pretty! This one from PacSun WILL be mine - $6.


I love a pretty ring. I love a huge ring. A huge, pretty ring? Double love for a mere $16 from American Eagle.

Clutches complete my life. I am looking for a pretty frilly one. The ones that I have are usually pretty structured, but now that spring is coming it's time for some girly goodness. This one is by Steve Madden for $30. Love the non-girly color too.

Ahh! I've been looking for a double strand belt. Yet another in my "things I can wear with my Fryes" arsenal. Asos for $30.


Aw, how pretty is this headband? And how easy would it be to wear it and feel pretty? The answer: very easy. Ans since it's only $7 from Dorothy Perkins, I would have $23 left to spend on myself. Oh, spending money on myself is ever so much fun.



Ah, this sweater conjures up notions of sitting on my chaise lounge and writing in my journal with a feather pen. Since I don't own a chaise lounge, a journal or a feather pen, I'll have to be content with wearing it while shopping. Old Navy, $27


K, so number one gripe with LIFE in general: people who wear vintage tees without really caring about what's on them. Fortunately, I am a big Beatles fan and love me some Strawberry Fields Forever. I also imagine, while I am having American Idol tryout competitions in my car, that I would sing Let it Be for Beatles night. YES I DO THINK ABOUT THIS SERIOUSLY. Anyway, you too can have a piece of my Idol dream with a graphic tee like this... Delias for $15.


Cutest shoes of life. I love the rhinestones on the bow. It makes them not so bo peep sweet. Forever 21,
$23

Such a pretty statement cuff for only $30. I love pearls. My next big jewelry purchase will be a pearl ring, I'm sure of it. I think they are so pretty and classic and they go with everything. I'd wear this cuff with a black tee and jeans and call it good.

Okay, so, as I'm off to hit the mall with my twenty and a ten, if you're feeling up to it, sneak a couple of bills out of your husband's wallet, blame it on his sketchy coworker and go see what you can find on the cheap. Wear it, feel good about it, and return and report.

Baby Steps to Better Fashion

Ah, I know this post was a long time coming. My little boy's birthday was yesterday, and I like to go big or go home, so I spent the last two days doing that. I am so happy it's over. Unfortunately, my daughter's birthday is a week from Sunday. WHO PLANNED THAT? Boo.

Anyway, I'd like to talk about how EASY not looking like a mom actually is. I know there are non-believers out there who don't take an interest in the way they look (which baffles me on so many different levels) and they just don't even know where to start if they were to perk up their style a bit.

The thing is, you don't just wake up one morning like "OMG, I look GREAT! Jae IS a genius." Unfortch, that only happens in the movies. No, you wake up one morning and resolve to tweak something, just one thing, that makes you feel better when you leave the house, drive carpool, walk out to get the mail, whatever.

However, after days and days of this resolve, you look at yourself in the mirror and think "Hey, not bad!" and before you know it, your mom jeans are a thing of the past and you only wear your Keds when you're washing the car. (And even then.... *shudder*)

So try a few easy peasy baby step items that can help you on the pathway to attractiveness. Most are cheap. I don't care if you spend $5 a week... tell your husband it's an investment.



A non-scary diaper bag. This one is simply a big satchel from Alloy and I love. Try a bag in a pseudo-neutral (I am loving jewel toned bags lately... I just bought a teal one as my main squeeze and it matches brown and black and makes me happy inside) I really don't think that someone should be able to determine your parental status by the bag you carry, do you?



A super-luxe cocktail ring. (Alloy) Even if you're planning on just slumming it in a t-shirt and jeans, you slip on a big ring and SKIDOOSH! Instant fashion-forwardness. Everyone knows I don't like meek, demure accessories. Do it big, make a statement about yourself.



Embellished shirt. Skip your usual tee and jeans for an embellished tee and jeans (This one is from GoJane and I heartily approve) It is JUST as easy. It is JUST as low maintenance. The only difference is that you don't look like a homeless shlub. And that's probably a difference you're willing to make, am I right?

Cute flats (New Look) I wish I could personally travel across America and get rid of all the ugly loafer clod hoppers I see women wearing now. There is literally no excuse for ugly shoes. NONE. Flats are SO cute and SO easy and SO comfy that I don't know why you wouldn't have some. These? With some jeans? Ugh die from cuteness overload immediately.


A flippin' awesome necklace. I love this one from Monsoon. I am a huge advocate of bold necklaces because they allow you to dress down everything else. Even if you are a staunch tee and jeans girl and are in no way intent on changing your style, a necklace makes everything better. Look for luxe details and major heft. I would toooootally pair this with a black scoop neck and call it a day. It also dresses up plain necklines and makes an otherwise casual shirt appropriate for something more semi-formal, so YAY for double duty.

So, even if you don't have the money/time/gumption to throw out your entire wardrobe and start a new, you can easily add easy pieces that update it so you stop looking so darn frumpy all the time.

Freaky Friday: Designer Finds

IT IS STILL TECHNICALLY FRIDAY! Forgive my late posting, I had some Valentine's Day things to attend to today. Namely receiving gifts from my husband, and trotting off to the mall to find that to my dismay, one pound of chocolate dipped strawberries would cost me $15 and I resolved to make them myself instead. I was craving them the other day, and NO JOKE, after surveying the state of my fridge, I ended up dipping raspberries in chocolate pudding and feeling very sorry for myself indeed.

Anyhow, I just got home from the movies and thought, for a laugh, I'd go through some of the most expensive designer items and see what freaky friday goodness I could find. Guess what? It was shockingly simple. For kicks, everything on this page is over $1,000 and HORRIBLE.


Exhibit A: A $4,000 jewel encrusted purse. Exhibit B: My ridiculous looking mini-schnauzer. She only cost $450, and is a living, breathing MAMMAL. Plus she looks better in a butterfly costume.

I KNOW.


I have been trying to think of what purpose this monkey dress serves. The best I could come up with is to wear it when you have really bad PMS. Ain't no one gonna mess with you. You are wearing teeth. On your boobs.


This jacket looks like the inhabitants of Fraggle Rock and the Muppets got a little tipsy at a bad frat party, made out and ended up barfing in the same bathroom. Hideous, yet smells like Fruit Loops.


No, go ahead and rub your eyes again. You are looking at a leather skirt ATTACHED to cashmere bloomers for a cool $2,000. It's a steal! I swear, I tried to make this clickable, because who isn;t always looking for the perfect pair of bloomers, but alas I cannot reveal my sources.


Yup. Wear this. You're guaranteed to be beat up. By me.



Ah! Ah! Wear this with the gorilla dress! Please? Oh it would be so perfect. Who can I get to wear this perfect combination? Oh Ladyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!


Like, this suit was okay, I can get on board with a print, cute cut and the OH SWEET MOTHER WHY ARE THERE TISSUE PAPER SQUARES SQUIDGING OUT THE BOTTOM? What will the kindergartners use for Mother's Day crafts??


Okay, weird nautical shoulder flappy pocket dress.


OKAY! Crazy designer shoe roundup!!!


A weird '80s sweater which I'm fairly sure I owned.


Wicker chairs at my grandmother's house.


Aaaaand cheap office furniture from Wal-Mart.

Thanks, designers, for reminding me that anyone will buy your overpriced and whackadoodle crap as long as your gold studded name is stamped on it somewhere.

Vertically Challenged

So, let's face it. I'll never be on America's Next Top Model. Even the one that they had for short people, I'm fairly sure I would be too little still. At a staggering 5'4", I've learned that the fashion world is not kind to those who don't tower over their peers. Sadness.

I received a really good question from a reader who shared in my frustration. And while she was short, she felt like she had to wear longer shirts to mask the dreaded mummy tummy, making her look only shorter. Boo. I FEEL YOUR PAIN.

Luckily, there are a lot of "work arounds" for this type of thing. Let me tell you right now, I am the queen of all "work arounds". You know, like when something doesn't work right away you find another way to do it? Once upon a time I worked in e-commerce, and I swear my boss kept me on for the sole purpose that I never asked him how to do anything. I would just make up my own way. Process is silly.

It's also the reason I suck at math.

But I digress. Just because you're not an amazon lady doesn't mean you can't have great style. And what's more, you can use it to your advantage to make you look a whole inch taller. While I prefer the four inch heel method, you can even do it in flats, all while camouflaging your less than perfect parts. Ignore all fashion made for models and find stuff for REAL, LIVE people. Plus, have you seen this ? You don't want to look like that anyway. If you thought your playgroup buddies judged you harshly before, show up looking like the corpse bride and see what they think.

WHAT DID YOU EVER DO WITHOUT ME?

AND! I found out that my neato Polyvore tool for making outfits can also give you clickable links to find the items. Soooo get out your wallets, ladies!

Items in this set:
Chiffon Ruffle Tie Top - Women's Clothing and Apparel - Chic Dresses,..., $49
Indigo bootcut jeans, 15 GBP
Sexy! Red Classic Pointed Toe Pumps - Special Occasion, $20
Cole Haan 'Whitney' Zip Hobo Handbag
Jessica Simpson - Leather and Chains Cuff Bracelet (Rust Leather) -..., $48

So why does this work? A few reasons. The shirt is totally embellished and frilly so it covers up problem areas without being fuddy duddy. It stops at the hips, where you get a loooong leg line thanks to bootcut jeans and a pointy toe shoes. Pointy toes extend the foot longer, making the whole effect sleeker so you look statuesque. Plus, how awesome is red and yellow together? Ugh it makes me feel springy and lovely.

Items in this set:
Womens AE Flocked Dot Shirt - White, $35
Grey dog tooth pencil skirt, 23 GBP
Violet glitter platform peep toe shoes, 18 GBP
Carlotta's Large Oval Black Onyx Cocktail Ring, $48
Betsey Johnson - Vintage Vicky Crystal Bow Pendant (Crystal) - Jewelry, $41

Alright, well it's no secret that I have a violent love affair with pencil skirts, but it is my secret that I totally use them to look taller. Because they sit so much higher on the waist, they make the leg line look insanely long. Paired with a cute pump, you get major height. What's more, pencil skirts are a mom's best friend EVER. They flatter everyone and lock your body into this totally flattering, hourglass pin-up girl shape.

Items in this set:
Crochet Cardigan W/ Sash, $35
Womens AE Cut It Out Cami - Dockside Blue, $25
Indigo wide leg jeans, 20 GBP
Monsoon Accessorize - Pleated Satin Ballerina Pumps, 15 GBP
Candice Large Plaid Tote, $16

K, last one. This one is so flattering and easy for running errands or whatever. The cardigan (which I am SO buying) brings your waistline nice and high, and then camouflages imperfections with an attention grabbing satin bow. Pair it with a same-color shirt underneath and your top half looks TINY. Then, trouser jeans. I just bought a pair of trousers from the Gap and oh, how I love them. Paired with flats, it is the best way to look put together, without too much work. I mean, anyone can handle three pieces in the morning.

So, even if Tyra Banks would give you the boot (and who cares anyway? Girlfriend is RIDICULOUS) you can still look hot and put together. The cardigan might have drool on it, and there's likely diapers in your sweet satchel, but no one needs to know but you.