If I Had Thirty Dollars...

So the other day a cheque (check for you born and bred Yankees) for $30 arrived in the mail for me unexpectedly. Since the $30 wasn't going to make much difference to my bank account either way, I resolved to spend it on something pretty for myself. (Moi? Shopping for moi? Unheard of.)

There are likely some naysayers who scoff at my $30. "$30!?" They say. "Shame on you. You should only buy expensive designer pieces, or none at all!" Well, I say that is crazy talk. There is a lot of good style that can be bought for a paltry $30. And since I feel like I've been doing a lot of Freaky Friday posts as of late, I am far too chipper about my $30 to rain on anyone's fashion parade. Instead I give you some awesome buys for $30 and below.




I think I've sung my song of love for trouser jeans before, have I not. I got a pair at the Gap for a measly $6 and I LOOOVE them. LOVE. And you wear them and people are like "ooh, what's the occasion?" and you're like "Um, I like wearing pants?" Anyway, I couldn't find mine from Gap BUT I did find these for $20 at Alloy.com.


Ooh, I love a good multiple strand necklace. Yes, they get tangled and then you have to have your sister in law detangle them while you frantically get ready to go out (This may have happened to me once) but they're so pretty! This one from PacSun WILL be mine - $6.


I love a pretty ring. I love a huge ring. A huge, pretty ring? Double love for a mere $16 from American Eagle.

Clutches complete my life. I am looking for a pretty frilly one. The ones that I have are usually pretty structured, but now that spring is coming it's time for some girly goodness. This one is by Steve Madden for $30. Love the non-girly color too.

Ahh! I've been looking for a double strand belt. Yet another in my "things I can wear with my Fryes" arsenal. Asos for $30.


Aw, how pretty is this headband? And how easy would it be to wear it and feel pretty? The answer: very easy. Ans since it's only $7 from Dorothy Perkins, I would have $23 left to spend on myself. Oh, spending money on myself is ever so much fun.



Ah, this sweater conjures up notions of sitting on my chaise lounge and writing in my journal with a feather pen. Since I don't own a chaise lounge, a journal or a feather pen, I'll have to be content with wearing it while shopping. Old Navy, $27


K, so number one gripe with LIFE in general: people who wear vintage tees without really caring about what's on them. Fortunately, I am a big Beatles fan and love me some Strawberry Fields Forever. I also imagine, while I am having American Idol tryout competitions in my car, that I would sing Let it Be for Beatles night. YES I DO THINK ABOUT THIS SERIOUSLY. Anyway, you too can have a piece of my Idol dream with a graphic tee like this... Delias for $15.


Cutest shoes of life. I love the rhinestones on the bow. It makes them not so bo peep sweet. Forever 21,
$23

Such a pretty statement cuff for only $30. I love pearls. My next big jewelry purchase will be a pearl ring, I'm sure of it. I think they are so pretty and classic and they go with everything. I'd wear this cuff with a black tee and jeans and call it good.

Okay, so, as I'm off to hit the mall with my twenty and a ten, if you're feeling up to it, sneak a couple of bills out of your husband's wallet, blame it on his sketchy coworker and go see what you can find on the cheap. Wear it, feel good about it, and return and report.

Baby Steps to Better Fashion

Ah, I know this post was a long time coming. My little boy's birthday was yesterday, and I like to go big or go home, so I spent the last two days doing that. I am so happy it's over. Unfortunately, my daughter's birthday is a week from Sunday. WHO PLANNED THAT? Boo.

Anyway, I'd like to talk about how EASY not looking like a mom actually is. I know there are non-believers out there who don't take an interest in the way they look (which baffles me on so many different levels) and they just don't even know where to start if they were to perk up their style a bit.

The thing is, you don't just wake up one morning like "OMG, I look GREAT! Jae IS a genius." Unfortch, that only happens in the movies. No, you wake up one morning and resolve to tweak something, just one thing, that makes you feel better when you leave the house, drive carpool, walk out to get the mail, whatever.

However, after days and days of this resolve, you look at yourself in the mirror and think "Hey, not bad!" and before you know it, your mom jeans are a thing of the past and you only wear your Keds when you're washing the car. (And even then.... *shudder*)

So try a few easy peasy baby step items that can help you on the pathway to attractiveness. Most are cheap. I don't care if you spend $5 a week... tell your husband it's an investment.



A non-scary diaper bag. This one is simply a big satchel from Alloy and I love. Try a bag in a pseudo-neutral (I am loving jewel toned bags lately... I just bought a teal one as my main squeeze and it matches brown and black and makes me happy inside) I really don't think that someone should be able to determine your parental status by the bag you carry, do you?



A super-luxe cocktail ring. (Alloy) Even if you're planning on just slumming it in a t-shirt and jeans, you slip on a big ring and SKIDOOSH! Instant fashion-forwardness. Everyone knows I don't like meek, demure accessories. Do it big, make a statement about yourself.



Embellished shirt. Skip your usual tee and jeans for an embellished tee and jeans (This one is from GoJane and I heartily approve) It is JUST as easy. It is JUST as low maintenance. The only difference is that you don't look like a homeless shlub. And that's probably a difference you're willing to make, am I right?

Cute flats (New Look) I wish I could personally travel across America and get rid of all the ugly loafer clod hoppers I see women wearing now. There is literally no excuse for ugly shoes. NONE. Flats are SO cute and SO easy and SO comfy that I don't know why you wouldn't have some. These? With some jeans? Ugh die from cuteness overload immediately.


A flippin' awesome necklace. I love this one from Monsoon. I am a huge advocate of bold necklaces because they allow you to dress down everything else. Even if you are a staunch tee and jeans girl and are in no way intent on changing your style, a necklace makes everything better. Look for luxe details and major heft. I would toooootally pair this with a black scoop neck and call it a day. It also dresses up plain necklines and makes an otherwise casual shirt appropriate for something more semi-formal, so YAY for double duty.

So, even if you don't have the money/time/gumption to throw out your entire wardrobe and start a new, you can easily add easy pieces that update it so you stop looking so darn frumpy all the time.

Freaky Friday: Designer Finds

IT IS STILL TECHNICALLY FRIDAY! Forgive my late posting, I had some Valentine's Day things to attend to today. Namely receiving gifts from my husband, and trotting off to the mall to find that to my dismay, one pound of chocolate dipped strawberries would cost me $15 and I resolved to make them myself instead. I was craving them the other day, and NO JOKE, after surveying the state of my fridge, I ended up dipping raspberries in chocolate pudding and feeling very sorry for myself indeed.

Anyhow, I just got home from the movies and thought, for a laugh, I'd go through some of the most expensive designer items and see what freaky friday goodness I could find. Guess what? It was shockingly simple. For kicks, everything on this page is over $1,000 and HORRIBLE.


Exhibit A: A $4,000 jewel encrusted purse. Exhibit B: My ridiculous looking mini-schnauzer. She only cost $450, and is a living, breathing MAMMAL. Plus she looks better in a butterfly costume.

I KNOW.


I have been trying to think of what purpose this monkey dress serves. The best I could come up with is to wear it when you have really bad PMS. Ain't no one gonna mess with you. You are wearing teeth. On your boobs.


This jacket looks like the inhabitants of Fraggle Rock and the Muppets got a little tipsy at a bad frat party, made out and ended up barfing in the same bathroom. Hideous, yet smells like Fruit Loops.


No, go ahead and rub your eyes again. You are looking at a leather skirt ATTACHED to cashmere bloomers for a cool $2,000. It's a steal! I swear, I tried to make this clickable, because who isn;t always looking for the perfect pair of bloomers, but alas I cannot reveal my sources.


Yup. Wear this. You're guaranteed to be beat up. By me.



Ah! Ah! Wear this with the gorilla dress! Please? Oh it would be so perfect. Who can I get to wear this perfect combination? Oh Ladyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!


Like, this suit was okay, I can get on board with a print, cute cut and the OH SWEET MOTHER WHY ARE THERE TISSUE PAPER SQUARES SQUIDGING OUT THE BOTTOM? What will the kindergartners use for Mother's Day crafts??


Okay, weird nautical shoulder flappy pocket dress.


OKAY! Crazy designer shoe roundup!!!


A weird '80s sweater which I'm fairly sure I owned.


Wicker chairs at my grandmother's house.


Aaaaand cheap office furniture from Wal-Mart.

Thanks, designers, for reminding me that anyone will buy your overpriced and whackadoodle crap as long as your gold studded name is stamped on it somewhere.

Vertically Challenged

So, let's face it. I'll never be on America's Next Top Model. Even the one that they had for short people, I'm fairly sure I would be too little still. At a staggering 5'4", I've learned that the fashion world is not kind to those who don't tower over their peers. Sadness.

I received a really good question from a reader who shared in my frustration. And while she was short, she felt like she had to wear longer shirts to mask the dreaded mummy tummy, making her look only shorter. Boo. I FEEL YOUR PAIN.

Luckily, there are a lot of "work arounds" for this type of thing. Let me tell you right now, I am the queen of all "work arounds". You know, like when something doesn't work right away you find another way to do it? Once upon a time I worked in e-commerce, and I swear my boss kept me on for the sole purpose that I never asked him how to do anything. I would just make up my own way. Process is silly.

It's also the reason I suck at math.

But I digress. Just because you're not an amazon lady doesn't mean you can't have great style. And what's more, you can use it to your advantage to make you look a whole inch taller. While I prefer the four inch heel method, you can even do it in flats, all while camouflaging your less than perfect parts. Ignore all fashion made for models and find stuff for REAL, LIVE people. Plus, have you seen this ? You don't want to look like that anyway. If you thought your playgroup buddies judged you harshly before, show up looking like the corpse bride and see what they think.

WHAT DID YOU EVER DO WITHOUT ME?

AND! I found out that my neato Polyvore tool for making outfits can also give you clickable links to find the items. Soooo get out your wallets, ladies!

Items in this set:
Chiffon Ruffle Tie Top - Women's Clothing and Apparel - Chic Dresses,..., $49
Indigo bootcut jeans, 15 GBP
Sexy! Red Classic Pointed Toe Pumps - Special Occasion, $20
Cole Haan 'Whitney' Zip Hobo Handbag
Jessica Simpson - Leather and Chains Cuff Bracelet (Rust Leather) -..., $48

So why does this work? A few reasons. The shirt is totally embellished and frilly so it covers up problem areas without being fuddy duddy. It stops at the hips, where you get a loooong leg line thanks to bootcut jeans and a pointy toe shoes. Pointy toes extend the foot longer, making the whole effect sleeker so you look statuesque. Plus, how awesome is red and yellow together? Ugh it makes me feel springy and lovely.

Items in this set:
Womens AE Flocked Dot Shirt - White, $35
Grey dog tooth pencil skirt, 23 GBP
Violet glitter platform peep toe shoes, 18 GBP
Carlotta's Large Oval Black Onyx Cocktail Ring, $48
Betsey Johnson - Vintage Vicky Crystal Bow Pendant (Crystal) - Jewelry, $41

Alright, well it's no secret that I have a violent love affair with pencil skirts, but it is my secret that I totally use them to look taller. Because they sit so much higher on the waist, they make the leg line look insanely long. Paired with a cute pump, you get major height. What's more, pencil skirts are a mom's best friend EVER. They flatter everyone and lock your body into this totally flattering, hourglass pin-up girl shape.

Items in this set:
Crochet Cardigan W/ Sash, $35
Womens AE Cut It Out Cami - Dockside Blue, $25
Indigo wide leg jeans, 20 GBP
Monsoon Accessorize - Pleated Satin Ballerina Pumps, 15 GBP
Candice Large Plaid Tote, $16

K, last one. This one is so flattering and easy for running errands or whatever. The cardigan (which I am SO buying) brings your waistline nice and high, and then camouflages imperfections with an attention grabbing satin bow. Pair it with a same-color shirt underneath and your top half looks TINY. Then, trouser jeans. I just bought a pair of trousers from the Gap and oh, how I love them. Paired with flats, it is the best way to look put together, without too much work. I mean, anyone can handle three pieces in the morning.

So, even if Tyra Banks would give you the boot (and who cares anyway? Girlfriend is RIDICULOUS) you can still look hot and put together. The cardigan might have drool on it, and there's likely diapers in your sweet satchel, but no one needs to know but you.

Freaky Friday

Shockingly, it was very easy to find clothes for today's posts. Either I'm becoming increasingly cynical or fashion is becoming increasingly unfortunate. I guess either way my life becomes easier. Hooray for cynicism!


There is so much going on here! Farm plaid slash clown collar slash baglady loose slash French flair? PS for future reference: berets. Always lame.


K, there is good leopard and bad leopard, and this is co very very bad. Another example of something that reminds me of my friend's boozy mom in her leather bustier. *shudder*


Story time! So when we were in the NICU, I had this fantastic occupational therapist that would come in and work on my son's release timeline and help me with breastfeeding. And the first time I worked with her, I hated her. She talked really close, spat a little when she talked, made weird mewing noises when she watched me nurse, and complimented my nipples. I KNOW, RIGHT? Anyway, long story short, I grew to adore her but never quite got over how eccentric and odd she was. My point? She had a shirt just like this. And wore it every day. AND SHE WAS WEIRD. So, we can deduce that in wearing oddly long denim shirts with rounded collars, people will believe that you are also weird.


I really feel like these pants don't need an explanation. If you don't know that these are bad, all of my blogging has been in vain.


Again! Leopard! This just SMACKS of single ladies night down at the Kitten Club; a hip place for middle-aged singles.


Well, why NOT have a purple shirt with an elastic arm band and puffy sleeves? Of course! It doesn't make you look disproportionate and giraffe-necked at all!
(or, But I don't want to be a pirate!)


I wonder how one even shops for something like this.
Saleslady: Hi, can I help you with something?
Shopper: Yes, actually. I'm looking for something large, shapeless, perhaps with a completely unnecessary hood. Appliqued sleeves would be a bonus."
Saleslady: Oh! Hmm. You know what? We just had something come in. What about this.
Shopper: Almost. I was just hoping you'd have it in a cat-lady blue.
Saleslady: You're in luck! We do have one.
Shopper: Oh, bless your heart. I tell you, I have had the hardest time finding clothing to hide my body in every way possible. Sometimes I feel like I just look too SKINNY. I need more HEFT.
Saleslady: Oh, honey, we all have those days. That'll be $60.

What to Wear: To the Gym

I know, I know. You're all like "Jae! I don't need to look nice at the gym omg will you lay off the fashion juice for two seconds and LET ME WEAR SWEATS???" and I hear you, I totally do. But I contend that acceptable workout gear will actually make you feel skinnier.

Here's my theory. So when you go to the gym wearing your hubby's sweats and your over-sized shirt from BAND CAMP, you're all sloth-like and hiding under your clothes, right? Like the whole POINT of gym wear is to be comfortable, so why not wear the largest clothes you own, right? WRONG.

See, if there's anything I've learned from my love affair with pilates, is that you get more out of a work out when you keep your abs pulled in and your body tucked...

...which is exactly what will happen anyway when you wear form-fitting gym clothes. You don't want to be the chubby girl, so you suck it in on the treadmill, and VOILA! suddenly your cardio workout is even more effective.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

Seriously though, it makes me sad to see sloppy dressers at the gym. When I have cute gym clothes, it motivates me to work out even more, because I've spent money on the dumb stuff, I might as well wear it. What's more, these are clothes that you can run errands in before hitting the gym, so you can multi-task with your five minutes of freedom for the day.

Put some thought into what you wear to workout in. Does it make you feel good? Does it make your body look good? Will you actually wear it?

Choose clothes that are functional, comfortable and dare I say it: pretty. That way you don't have to spend the whole gym session avoiding the 80 foot mirrors lining all the walls.

Hey! Check out my new outfit making tool just for you! Now I can put them together in ensembles so you can see my vision a little more clearly. I'm actually way more excited about this than I should be, and plan on spending countless hours playing around with it. LOVE!!


If you don't have the world's hottest body just yet, head to the gym in something fashionable but loose-fitting so you can breath. The top is by Gap, the pants and hoodie by Old Navy, the bag by Nordstrom, while the shoes can be anything you want. I don't care if your gym shoes are ugly .These ones are New Balance.

As you progress in your fitness goals, buy yourself new gym wear to keep yourself motivated. TOTALLY an investment in yourself, and I flipping love this outfit. Bra by Nike, hoodie by Victoria's Secret, pants are Old Navy, the bag is Kipling, and the shoes Nike.

I LOVE Stella McCartney's entire Adidas line... all of these pieces are from it. I own a couple pieces and they are awesome for working up a sweat because of the material. It totally helps that they are distinctive and adorable too, right? Like hey muscular meathead. You can totally ogle my body while I do crunches if you want, no worries.

If you're not sure wear to look for gym clothes and don't want to spend a ton, try Old Navy or a Nike outlet store. Sports stores like Gart or Dick's (tee hee) will also have a ton of good stuff for runners and gymrats, and runner's specialty stores are awesome too.

Try and see if it doesn't make you want to head to the gym in all your hotness and glory.

Okay, well now she's just messing with me...

Because WHY ELSE would she sing at the Grammys looking like a deranged Tinkerbell on smack? It's like she's pointing at me and saying "FU Jae. This outfit and my psychotic shenanigans are the only way I keep myself and my music relevant so you can shove it."

All I can say is that on the bright side, at least we know she waxes.