Maternity Monday: DON'TS

Preggos of the world … this is the most important fashion advice I can give you. This post right here. Please, do yourselves a big ol’ favor and do not fall victim to the following maternity fashion tragedies.

1. Spandex

I firmly believe Spandex was only invented for two purposes: form-fitting undergarments and exercise clothing (and maybe that icky headband you use to hold your bangs back when you’re washing your face). Any other usage of this material is a gross violation of fashion law. And seriously, it just looks bad. So don’t do it.

Case in point:

If you are shopping and come across these bad boys, AVOID. Because in reality, your body is going to be getting a lot curvier very soon, if it hasn’t already. And the last thing you need is skin-tight fabric hugging – nay, suffocating all those curves and accentuating them for all to see.

Alternative:

If you want to run your errands in comfort, try these cute comfy drawstring pants from Old Navy.

Jersey-lined drawstring pants, Old Navy

They come in four different neutral colors and will look infinitely better than Spandex leggings. Pair them with a cute hoodie, like this:

Lightweight pull-over hoodie, Old Navy

and some sneaker flats. Put-together, yet comfortable. And not hideous.

2. Muumuus

Pregnant women have historically fallen prey to the alluring yet vicious muumuu. Muumuus are roomy, and they look sooooo comfortable. But that’s the problem – they contain SO MUCH ROOM, you’ll end up looking like a sumo wrestler wearing a floral tent instead of a beautiful, shapely pregnant woman.

Here’s the trick to looking cute while you’re incubating a human: hide your unsightly flabbiness while simultaneously showing off your belly. It’s tough, but doable. I can help you. A muumuu cannot. So AVOID.

Alternatives:

So, you’re looking for a dress that’s comfortable and casual (like a muumuu) but not gargantuan? Here are some options:

Elbow sleeve tab cuff dress, Motherhood

This too-cute denim dress from Motherhood Maternity. Pair it with some red heels or cowboy boots and a chunky bracelet. Daaarling. I’d probably tie the knot on the side, though. It’s a little much up there in the front.

Not really digging the denim? Try this:

Knot-front dress, Old Navy

Stick a cardigan or a crop jacket over it and it’s ready for fall. It’s easy to wear and versatile.

3.Tent-like tops

Ok, so there may (probably will) come a time at the end of your pregnancy when you think a camping tent is the only thing that will fit over your growing belly. However, I advise you to stay away from “tent tops” (you know, the ones with copious amounts of fabric that usually tie in the back and flare out at the bottom) as long as humanly possible.

Here is an example of such a top. Again, when you see it … AVOID.

Whoa. Did you just go back to 1995 for a second? I did.

Alternatives:

Maternity clothing vendors are starting to figure out that these tops only make pregnant women look huge and feel frumpy, so they’ve come out with lots of slimmer styles, like these:

Short-sleeve ruffle top, Motherhood

3/4 sleeved side-ruched sweater, Motherhood

Side-shirred V-neck tee, Old Navy

Scoop-neck ruffle top, Gap

See? Otherwise normal-looking shirts, just with a little extra fabric in the front. The key here is to buy maternity shirts in your regular size. If in doubt, try it on.

And lucky for us, lots of current non-maternity clothing can keep you covered for most of your pregnancy. Look for tunic-type tops and empire waistlines with some give in the bust area (those puppies are going to get even bigger eventually). Or, if you want something more form-fitting, look for longer tops that stretch a lot. Buy a size bigger than you’d normally wear, and voila! You have a fashionable yet versatile top that will not only work during pregnancy, but afterward as well. And since it doesn’t say “maternity” on the label, you won’t feel bad about wearing it once baby makes his debut.

Other DON’TS:

These, I originally didn’t feel a need to mention because they are usually summer faux-pas and it’s currently fall, but they’re worth noting for those of you who will be pregnant during warmer seasons.

Shorts. Whatever you do, don’t wear any shorts above knee-length. Teensie shorts are not really meant for adults, anyway, but especially not for pregnant adults. Unless you are Heidi Klum, don’t do it! Go for a knee-length, NON-tapered Bermuda short instead.

Speaking of tapered … don’t ever wear bottoms that are tapered ( meaning they start off big and get smaller as they go down your leg). They’ll just accentuate your hips, which happen to be the widest part of the female body. And that’s never a good thing. This category includes skinny jeans and capris (crop pants).

Also, stay away from tank tops. I don’t know about you, but when I get pregnant, my arms get kinda … jiggly. And big. And not in a good way. Instead, try a cap sleeve or flutter sleeve top. A little fabric can go a long way in making your arms look slender and long. A tank top will only make your arms look larger than life.

Remember – cover your flabbiness but show off your belly.

Fake Lashes: Your Secret Weapon

I have a confession to make.

I am not a very photogenic person.

I know, you're shocked right. And maybe I am harder on myself than the general public, but I see pictures of myself and I generally criticize them until you'd be sure that I was talking about the Hunchback of Notre Dame. I told you I was judgmental!

Anyway, every year the holiday season rolls around, and guess what that means? Yup, family pictures. Now, let me say that I find nothing in this WORLD more torturous than family picture day. My husband's family is MASSIVE and filled with small children who cry, sneeze, antagonize each other and ruin pictures. Which only means more pictures are taken, where the adults have to suck it in YET AGAIN and hope that they don't look hideous. Because it is, after all, all about the children smiling.

Did I mention that we always do family pictures at my house too? Yeah.

I did however, find a way to make every picture of ME a super good one, so that we didn't have to take as many to find one that is holiday card-worthy. And that, my friends, is false eyelashes.

I know, right? Like WHO wears false eyelashes? Am I a showgirl? I assure you, no. Who would pay to see a mother of two shake it? I mean, really, let's be serious here. But a few carefully placed falsies opens up your eyes, and gives you a general better-than-usual look that everyone will notice, without questioning HOW you did it. Which is nice.

False lashes might sound a little scary. You probably see them at your drugstore all the time and don't think twice about them. But they are so easy to use, and make you look a smidgen better. I wear them for pictures, special events like weddings or concerts, and work parties. I'm actually a little sad that people will know my little secret now.

Here's how to use them. First, choose the kind that will work best. You can buy them in strips, which work well if you already have pretty generous lashes, or individual clusters if you're lash-challenges. If using the clusters, ONLY apply two or three clusters to the out corner of the eye. That's all you'll need, and it'll make a huge difference. Use tweezers to hold the cluster, and dip the edge in the lash glue. Place it on TOP of your natural lashes and clamp down for a few seconds. Voila!

With strip lashes, they can look really drag-queenish if you use the whole thing, so cut them in half. It'll give you an extra set, and look more normal. They might come pre-glued, but even still, stick a little strip of glue along the base, and use tweezers to apply them to the top outside corner of your lashes.

When you've got them in place, glued and dried, CURL them. This will make a big difference in how they blend with your lashes. Do the three clamp trick with your curler: once at the base, once in the middle, once at the end to create a nice curve. Then put on two coats of a black mascara to blend them all together so they match the color of your natural lashes.

See how easy it was? It's a tiny thing that you can do that makes a big difference. I took a picture of me wearing them. You can't really tell like, omg she's wearing fake lashes, but it's enough to glam up an otherwise ordinary makeup regimen.



See? Darker lashes define the eyes better. (I was going on a date with my husband the night I took this picture. I basically wear them anytime I want to up the ante, if you will.)

So, make every picture a good picture. I often get asked what one should wear in family pictures. FAKE LASHES. Especially when those pictures are going to be hung in a house or sent to everyone you know in cards.

You don't need to buy expensive ones. Most are for one use only. Just wash them off when you wash your face at night, they'll slide right off, and if you're me, wash down the drain. What? Who said that?

Fake lashes: Cheap and easy. They are the whore of the cosmetics world.