Deciphering Gwyneth Paltrow's Annual GOOP Gift Guide

Yes, it's that time of year again. That time when Gwyneth Paltrow reminds us why we all hate her so. As you fight over toaster ovens in a Black Friday stampede, she's grating Himalayan rock salt and loving her children more than you.

And because I understand that not everyone has the sophisticated palate that it takes to decipher a gift guide of such high caliber, it is I who have made the courageous sacrifice to page through and assign the proper recipient for each gift. I like to think that someone like me–yes, someone who orders double caramel sundaes at McDonalds–truly understands what it's like to live in the lap of luxury to a point where Christmas is when you have the opportunity to make even giving all about yourself.

I feel ya, Gwyn. We're kindred souls, you and I. Cosmic fist bump. Conscious solidarity.

The Canoe Condom Dispenser: $42
Best for: Your Slippery-Fingered Husband

Why not give birth control the same treatment as that crusty nickel holder in your old Geo Metro?

The Hock Design Gold-Plated Dumbbells: $125,000Best for: Anyone with a blatant disregard for charity in general. 

Hmmmm pay for access to fresh water in a third-world country, or grab a pair Richard Simmons-heavy dumbbells so you can mall walk with your friends?

This Crappy Fire Starter Kit: $16
Best for: That one friend who apparently doesn't have 9,000 craft sticks lying around like the rest of humankind. 

GOOP said this would be a great Secret Santa gift. Surprise! Your Secret Santa doesn't know anything about you, nor does she care. Here's a fancy bag of wood chips. Enjoy.

Tracy Anderson Workout Streaming: $90 per month (Or a steal at $475 per year)
Best for: White people. 

Just. White people. 

The Live the Process Unitard: $260Best for: You, while drunkenly recreating your 1994 dance recital to "Good Vibrations." 

Because it's pretty much the last time you actually heard the word "unitard." Extra points if you wear it while flapping wildly, trying to follow along with a Tracy Anderson butterfly workout routine. 

The Impero Toothbrush Cup: $145
Best for: Literally the most boring person you know.

GOOP listed this gift in a guide for "The Doer." I don't want to judge, but if "brushing your teeth" is on your bucket list, you might want to realign your priorities. Reach for the stars. Why not get crazy and floss?

The Himalayan Rock Salt Grater: $29.95Best for: Your pretentious sister-in-law. 

She'll love to grate fresh Himalayan salt while telling you all about her gluten sensitivity. 

A Custom Photograph of One of Your Belongings: $1,200
Best for: Someone who doesn't believe in shelves. 

Why keep a cherished memento when you can give someone $1,200 to take a creepy picture that you could have snapped with your iPhone? 

Ooh, extra points if the item pictured IS YOUR IPHONE.

The Pacha Series Dreamcatcher: Custom Pricing
Best for: The kid who still thinks there are monsters under his bed.

Don't worry Billy, we'll hang this thing that looks exactly like the girl from The Ring above your head. You're safe now. 

The Cedes Milano Toothpaste Squeezer: $245
Best for: The fingerless snob

Ugh, fingers, amiright? They're so plebeian. 

And honestly, anything with the word "squeezer" in the title is not worth more than $5. Ever. 

The Devi Steam Seat: $55
Best for: Your oversharing friend

I'll buy you this if you promise to never say "vaginal steam" again. 

The Vintage Ball and Chain: $1,500
Best for: Your significant other

The perfect way to remind your spouse what a tremendous mistake he or she made in marrying you. 

The Space Exploration Balloon Trip: $90,000
Best for: Anyone you wish would leave and never come back.

Enjoy your trip to space in a hot air balloon, jerk.

That's it for this year, folks. As always, let's thank the Queen of "Why Don't They Like Me?" for her inspired choices.

Christmas. It's about spending.

Trashy Halloween Contest Winner AND What I Wore: Thank All That is Holy October is Over

Yay you guys! The winner of the trashiest of all Halloween costume was actually a tie and somehow that warms my heart! As it turns out, Sexy Ronald McDonald AND Sexy Rosie the Riveter are equally as offensive, so Lauren and Anna, email me at nomoremomjeans (at) gmail to claim your prizes!

My Halloween was awesome, but only because this is what my daughter decided to be:

(Maximize the screen for maximum awesomeness.) She's 9, people. And her life dream is to become a paleontologist and when she this costume, it was over. I was forced to shell out $50 and constantly inflate her all day long to get this to work.

Not gonna lie, that Halloween felt like it lasted longer than Christmas and I'm glad October is over.

Also, because I'm into multitasking, here are outfit details for the month of October. MAN AM I EFFICIENT.

I went shopping with friends and all four of us bought this sweatshirt moto jacket. It was honestly like $17 and it's fantastic for when you want to look a little put-together but also not super fancy. Also, it's SWEATSHIRT material. 

T-shirt: VS Pink (cute!) (similar)

Jacket: CP Lounge via TJ Maxx (similar) (similar)

Jeans: Calvin Klein (here)

Shoes: Nike (similar)

Okay, sometimes I don't do my hair. So sue me. A big, fat bun and a hairband is my go-to when I don't feel like doing anything, ever. This outfit was for a Wednesday, when I had to be to a couple of meetings and also at my kids' school. It was a pretty solid balance. I bought the shirt and vest at the same time  but didn't plan on wearing them together until I noticed how much I loved the plaid on plaid thing, therefore encouraging all Canadian lumberjack stereotypes. 

Short: Gap (here) I loooove the fit of these boyfriend shirts. 

Vest: Okay, it's from Gap too (similar)

Jeans: Calvin Klein (here)

Boots: Frye (12R, here)

I had planned to wear a completely different outfit this day but it didn't work. And when outfits don't work, you throw on a dress and jacket and call it good. Also, I wanted these shoes foreeeeeeeeever and finally got them and now I can't stop wearing them!

Dress; Dorothy Perkins (this one is so cute!) (love this too)

Jacket: H&M (here)

Shoes: Calvin Klein (here, mine are a dark burgundy and they will look sooo good with jeans.)

I'm not normally very matchy matchy, but I couldn't resist when I realized that I had a top and a pair of shoes in the same super-bright orangey-red. Ehhh one time won't hurt anything. Let's just not make it a habit. 

Shirt: Calvin Klein (here) I officially own one million of these shirts. 

Skirt: Urban Wear (it's super old) (super cheap) (so cute I might die)

Shoes: Charlotte Russe (here)

I believe this day was errand-ing and it was probably the most glorious fall day of all time. Naturally, I wanted to drive around with the sunroof down so I had to wear a hat. Also because my hair was messy but we don't need to talk about that shhhh. 

Sweater: Abound (I super love this one) (similar)

Pants: Calvin Klein (do I own anything else anymore??) I bought these last year but they're back at CK outlets)

Shoes: White Mountain (this year's)

Hat: Kate Landry (similar and cheap!)

Off I go to face November. I will not think about Christmas. I will not think about Christmas.