Jae's Annual Trashy Halloween Costume Contest 2015

You know I couldn't ever abandon what very may well be the best costume contest in the United States. Maybe the world?

You guys know the drill; we've been doing this for the past five years. Vote for what you think is the trashiest/worst instance of sexifying inanimate objects/children's characters/actual cultures and we'll award the winner a $25 gift card to Target.

And, since I also get annual hate mail from this, can I make a point very quickly? So, I have a (female) friend who works in law enforcement. So I get super annoyed when I see sexy cops parading around every Halloween because I know it makes her job that much harder, especially in a male-dominated industry. Sometimes, it's harmless fun, but sometimes, it's reallllly setting us back a few decades, females. Stop this.

Also, I just think sexy costumes are THE WORST. Like I've said one million times before, if you want to use Halloween as an excuse to attend a party in your underpants, please choose a costume that is inherently sexy so I don't need to explain to my kids why Spongebob isn't wearing his titular square pants.

So there's my shpiel. Hate mail away. Here are this year's entries.

This is Katie's entry. Her name is Donna T. Rumpshaker and is apparently supposed to be sexy Donald Trump. Instead, all I see is Paula Poundstone in hot shorts. Man, that was a really old reference, you might need to go ahead and Google Paula Poundstone. 

Actually, don't. She was super messed up. Just take my word for it. 

Sexy mime from Sarah F. Because, you know, it's so much sexier if women just don't talk. 

IS NOTHING SACRED? As the sister to four brothers, I grew up with Transformers. If I ever tried to sexify transformers, my brothers would probably do this thing where one of them sat on me and the other ones tapped my forehead until I cried which was a common occurrence in my childhood home. So, unless you want to enact that type of torture, you should probably leave Optimus Prime alone. (Thanks, Kara!) 

Sexy goldfish. Spoiler alert: She gets flushed down the toilet in the morning. 

(Thanks, Jenn!) 

Because regular Ronald McDonald isn't enough to give you nightmares. (From Anna!) 

Who in their right mind is like "Yes that orange slice? So sexy right now." 

Like, I know there are a lot of weird fetishes out there but man, orange slices? It kind of makes me worried for the future of our children. (Thanks, Sarah L.)

At first, I thought this was sexy falafel but then I noticed she was wearing the world's tiniest sombrero so I now I see it's sexy taco with just a sprinkling of Latino cultural appropriation. (Thank you kindly, Amy.) 

Who says you need pants to celebrate a feminist icon? Isn't this what we've worked for, ladies? 

(Thanks, Lauren.)

T'is the season to celebrate cultural icons like this Sexy Pizza Rat. I bet real Pizza Rat is just really enjoying his 15 minutes of fame oh wait he's not because he's a rat and doesn't have Internet access. 

(Thanks, BeQui!) 

It took me a minute on this one, but I learned that because of the teeny tiny logo at the hem of the dress that this is sexy Brian from Family Guy.

Yes. That's what it is. 

(From Jessica)

Alright, that's the worst of 'em! Thanks to everyone who played this year! I'll leave voting open until Monday morning because let's be honest, that's when I'll get around to posting again. In the meantime, my kid has a volleyball practice (ON HALLOWEEN WHAT EVEN IS THIS) and then I have to tidy my main floor to assuage the judgement of parents whose kids will trick-or-treat at my house tonight. Worst holiday ever, amiright? 

What I Wore: September Remix

I slept in a hoodie last night, so that means one thing and one thing only: Time to wear fall clothes without sweating. Man you guys I am so excited about that. AND I've been on a month-long shopping diet (which I only broke to buy this, this, and this BUT IT DOESN'T COUNT) and I'm done this weekend. And yes, I am planning to break that shopping fast in a major way on a weekend-long bender. And yes, I am aware that it totally negates any benefit of going on a shopping diet.

I spent the month of September remixing stuff that I already own. I know. The horror. I also lopped off a good five inches of hair and it's been lovely. 

Top: Local boutique but here's a close one. 

Jeans: Jolt (I bought these for dirt cheap on sale and I've been wearing them alllllll the time)

Boots: Frye (here on sale!) These have been, hands down, my fave purchase of the summer. And when I say "my face purchase" I obviously mean "fave purchase my husband made). 

Since school has been back, I've spent a day a week helping with reading in my kids' classes. And one time, I helped with math in my daughter's 4th grade class and afterwards realized I had taught them how to do it all wrong. Thanks, common core. Anyway, I've been living in jeans and boots since I've been crawling around classrooms and sitting on the floor a lot. 

Top: Calvin Klein (here) 

Skirt: F21 (I've had this for like five years and it's still going strong. Similar, similar)

Shoes: Charlotte Russe (here)

I'm not gonna lie, this is the picture that inspired me to cut my hair off. It was just looking super straggly at the ends and needed a refresh, so I made an appointment and headed in the next day. Also, I'm actually wearing lipstick in this picture, which is something that basically never happens. I use Nars Velvet Matte Lipstick Pencil in Cruella. A good red is so hard to find and this one is just dark enough to avoid looking garish. And (don't ask me how I know this) it looks equally as good on my olive-skinned daughter as it does on super pink-fair me. 

I love a good before and after!

Top: Local boutique (here it is in navy) (loving this one)

Pants: Calvin Klein (similar -- I have these and I love them and recommend them to everyone)

Boots: Frye (here)

So I obviously wore this to my hair appointment. When I got there I was like "Ehhhh do you have time to touch up my highlights too?" and it ended up being a blonde overhaul. I'm looooving the ashier tone and plan to go just a touch lighter next time. I told my husband I'll eventually just show up with white hair. Anyway, I brought this picture with me when I got the cut and am super happy with the way it turned out. It's one of the better cuts I've ever gotten, and I change my hair A LOT. 

Top: Arizona (here)

Jeans: Calvin Klein (here)

Jacket: Calvin Klein (this season's is gray and I need it, right?)

Boots: Frye 

Cuff: Frye 

Here's what I've learned about doing head-to-toe black: It really only looks good with high-quality(ish) pieces. I love wearing all black, but there needs to be some variance in texture or you'll look crazy and texture usually comes along with better clothes. The texture on these boots with the smooth jeans and the leather jacket make me a lot happier than my black clothes would let on. It's not something I would do everyday, but it's kind of refreshing and makes me feel just a little powerful. Plus, you know what they say: Once you go black.... you enjoy it immensely and put it on rotation for when you want people to generally leave you alone. 

Also, lob + messy curl = love forever. 

Top: stoosh (here)

Jeans: Calvin Klein (here)

Boots: Ardene (similar)

Cuff: Frye 

Most of my work meetings happen via video call at my desk, so I don't even have to wear pants if I don't feel like it. (I do.) (Usually.) But I do occasionally have to meet with clients in-person, like I did this particular day. Working in a creative career means I get some wiggle room with clothing, so I went with a pleasantly clashy white, black, and brown vibe. I need my clothes to say "I'm detail-oriented, but just weird enough to be creative." 

Alright, that's another month on the books. I think I will probably be back on Monday to talk about what I bought on my binge shopping weekend. It's time for fall clothes and I'm excited to get some jackets back in the rotation. I feel like they missed me.