What to Wear: To the Beach

K, so this is reposted from last year. But because its finally getting warm, and finally time to show some skin, we need to discuss swimwear. I'm using the same picture but adding some new commentary aka stuff I've learned since I had my babies.

Lets first get this out in the open. If you've had kids, your body does not look the same as it used to. Even if you were blessed with hyper elastic skin and major six pack abs, your body has totally redistributed, and things are going to have to change. For instance, before I had a baby, I was a hardcore bikini girl, the smaller the better. Afterwards, I realized my butt looked nothing like it's 18 year old counter part, and where I still was pretty happy with my tummy, I had to choose something new in the way of bottoms. I switched to a boy short bottom, and am totally happy and comfortable in them.

You don't want to head out to the beach proclaiming your body issues to the world, obviously. Yet you still want to be comfortable enough to move around without a towel wrapped around your neck. Its a slippery slope.

So, pick the thing about yourself that you are most self conscious about while in a bathing suit, and only worry about minimizing that. You only have time and energy to worry about one, trust me. Not to mention, 1) Every other woman at the beach/pool/waterpark is too concerned about what their body looks like in their swimsuits to care about you 2) Guys are so horny that they are just excited to see so much flesh, stretch marks or no, and 3) Sunlight is so much more forgiving than fluorescent lighting, bathroom lighting, fitting room lighting, etc. So whatever you have pinpointed as ugly there probably doesn't even show up outside.

Can we also make a statement about confidence? I'm not going to lie. I totally judge women who come to the pool wearing like, a snowsuit because they hate their bodies so much. They are just proclaiming to the world their body issues AND pointing them out to everyone. RELAX with the body hatred people! Just find something flattering and move on. No one at the pool cares in the slightest if you have cellulite or jiggly arms.

So I found some super cute suits that aren't scary mommy suits, but will still do enough coverage to make you feel okay about wearing them.


K, I love this one from Venus for general coverage without looking like a grandmother. The one shoulder strap updates the whole suit, while the tankini top and skirt bottom mean you're covered and comfortable. Color is super cute too. I saw a woman at the pool wearing this type of suit and she just rocked it. Like okay, I don't have the perfect body, but I still look hot in this.


If you don't love your tummy, the cuteness of this suit is literally astounding. It's shirred across the stomach, which will camouflage any kind of lump or bump that you're concerned about. And halter top? So feminine and adorable. Cleave will thank you. (Juicy)


If you're like me and are okay with your tummy but don't love your butt or thighs, try out a boy short bottom. It'll give you the most coverage, without those high-waisted scary brief-type bottoms. Ew. Plus the belt on this is so cute. PS, Triangle tops are fantastic for little boobs *cough*me*cough*. (Venus) Lets point out that boy shorts are bad for really pear shaped people.


If you're not in love with either, try a cute little swimdress. Thankfully, because of the vintage '40s swimwear we are seeing this summer, they're actually totally en vogue right now, which is great for mere mortals like us, who aren't super models. I love this one because its spices things up with a cut out near the chest that says "Yes, I may be wearing a swim dress, BUT CHECK OUT THESE PUPPIES." (Nordstrom)

Now, if you're one of those people who does not enjoy prancing around the beach half nekkid, GET A COVERUP. Do not wander around with a towel tied around your chest, or in an oversized t-shirt. Shame on you. There are so many ADORABLE cover ups, I don't know why you would do that. CHeck out some of these beauties. Even if you don't see a cover up you like, head to your nearest F21, find a short short short cotton halter dress and wear it as a cover up. SO CUTE.


Ralph Lauren


Victoria's Secret


Venus


Venus

So moral of the story, you don't need to wear a turtleneck to the beach to feel comfortable with yourself. Get a HOT swimsuit and work it. Don't let it work you.

What to Wear: In the Summer

So sorry for the lacking in posting lately. Last Tuesday I came down with something horrible that had me crying in bed and praying for the sweet relief of death. When I went to the doc to have it checked out, he told me a I had a virus (SWINE FLUUUUU) and sinusitus. Now, sinusitus sounds completely made up, but I assure you it is not. It is the worst possible sickness. Ever. Your sinuses get infected and you just sit around feeling like you have a balloon for a head. And it lasts foreeeeeever. Here it is a week and a half later and I still have it, after a round of antibiotics. I think I'm on the tail end, but I literally stayed in bed for six days straight.

ANYWAYS, I got a couple comments about what to wear in the summer. I feel like for moms, the summer is so tricky because everyone is all "Hey, didn't you know that capris are great?" and I'm like errrr. Boo. My actual reaction to capris is a sigh and a shoulder shrug. I understand why you want to wear them, I do. I just think they make EVERYONE look three inches shorter than they are. I'm 5'4", I can't afford three inches. Not to mention everyone wears too-long capris with some awful flipflops, which makes ANYONE look like they have serious cankles. I used to work with a girl that would wear that exact outfit like, every day and to this day, if I hear the word cankle, I immediately think of her. I'M SORRY but it's her own fault for making her legs look like that.

In the end, the capris come down to a length problem for me. Too many women don't pay attention to the length and end up stumpifying themselves. Your capris should not hit you mid-shin. If you MUST wear them, I don't want them to hit any lower than the little hollow under the knee cap. If you can't do that, then put the capris down, and walk away.

However, we have better options. HOORAY FOR BERMUDA SHORTS! I love them to an inordinate degree. Its how a respectable mom gets away with waring shorts and 1) doesn't look trashy in cutoffs and 2) doesn't look like she's completely given up on herself with capris. Here are some styles I love.

K, so this is a casual version of the bermuda short. (Kohls) They are a little looser and have tie details, which lends them to an easier look with this awesome embroidered top from F21. I LOOOOVE an espadrille and these ones from Spiegel will look so pretty laced up a nice, tan leg. GET A TAN. Bag is by Melie Bianco, and its shape is casual and slouchy.

K, but you can also dress up the bermuda shorts. I mean, you're not going to wear this to a cocktail party, but dinner with your significant other, yes indeed. Shorts are from Kohls and are completely unadorned, flat front and cut slim. Then you can do a looser, more blouse-y top with an awesome handbag from Melia Bianco and some awesome wedges from Ann Taylor Loft. Wedges + shorts = happiness.

However, shorts are not your only option for coolness in the summer. Consider the skirt. I know its like really? can I pull off wearing a skirt for everyday? The answer is YES. Just choose more casual fabrics and dress it down with t-shirts, and you can totally do a skirt. I've even been known to travel in skirts, just because they are easy and low maintenance. Choose one that is knee length or shorter, and a-line so you don't veer into more formal pencil territory. Check it out:

How cute would this be for shopping on a Saturday, hitting a Farmer's Market or going to brunch? The shirt is F21, the skirt is Vera Wang, shoes are AmiClubWear( (for $9!) and the bag is ShopSuey. I feel like this is such a new take on the "running around" outfit. Why not?

Remember that the summer is easy, casual and comfortable. I purposely did without accessories on these outfits because in the summer, I get hot and don't want a ton of stuff touching me.

Choose outfits that don't need layering. If you try on a shirt and think it needs a cami underneath, put it back or save it for the fall or winter. And choose light fabrics with a little stretch to them so you can move and do all your fun summery things; you should never have to suffer to look good, UNLESS it's because you bought a new pair of four inch heels. Then it is totally okay to suffer, because they make your legs look hot.

So try a bermuda short or a casual skirt and get unstuck from Capri-land!

Dear Lady Gaga;

K, I have to interrupt our usual commentary on what to wear for a brief, open letter to Lady Gaga, who continues to ruin my life by purposely looking unattractive.

Dear Lady Gaga; (who's real name is Stefani, so lets just get that out of the way)


I have long and silently endured your assault on the fashion industry. When you were sporting the infamous bow made out of HAIR I didn't say anything. When you strolled in around in a flesh colored bodysuit, I kept my mouth shut. BUY OH MY GOSH you are driving me crazy. While I actually do enjoy your music, I find you to be pretentious and kind of douche-baggy, what with your talk about your "art" and how you plan to change the way we hear and experience music.

Lets get something straight; you are a POP artist. You are not the Beatles. You are not Coldplay. Right now, you're not even the Spice Girls yet. You are a random pop artist who's had three hits and suddenly has a ginormous head, which you choose to clothe in HAIR BOWS.


But that's beside the point. My real beef with you is this: Are you allergic to looking attractive, or what? I don't even care if you want to be avante garde with your fashion choices, you just continually make yourself ugly for reasons I don't quite understand. Observe:



Remember when you were a normal girl? And you had pretty hair? And didn't dress like an idiot?


Then you got famous and decided that you were way too remarkable to dress like a mere mortal. So you started dressing like Queen Amidala.


Really? Blunt bangs AND oversized sunglasses AND a shirtless hood AND giant sleeves? Really? I'd say that you are wearing everything but the kitchen sink, but unfortunately you forgot PANTS.


Which is a recurring theme.


K, so enlighten me: When did pants become the enemy?



And then there was the American Idol debacle where you wore a zipper. Over your eye. Like a pirate. So I get it. You're too cool for pants, but not too cool to perform on the MOST COMMERCIAL show on television. I get it. Cool. Fight the power, Lady.


I was willing to overlook all of your smugness and all of your terrible, terrible fashion choices because whatever, I like Poker Face. But then Rolling Stone came out and I couldn't take it anymore.


OH MY GOSH YOU ARE DRESSED IN A NUDE BODYSUIT WITH BUBBLES GLUED TO IT.

And you PERFORMED in this outfit later, causing me to believe you condone this or thought it was acceptable in some way. It's not. You look ugly. And since you're not an ugly girl, I can't imagine why you would do such a thing. In this picture you looked like a cracked out Courtney Love, who is cracked out all the time so lets just say Courtney Love; the cracked out goes without saying. THIS IS NOT A COMPLIMENT. No one wants to look like the failed rocker wife of a rock legend who committed suicide.


I'm just saying. You're a pretty girl. I like your music. How about you stop concentrating so hard on your "image" and stop running your mouth about how you're bisexual and an artist unlike no other and just shut up and sing?


And for pete's sake, buy a freakin' pair of jeans.


Love, Jae