Freaky Friday

Happy weekend peeps and peepsters (I have no idea what I Just said.) We've had a bunch of new readers lately, so if this is your first time experiencing some sweet Freaky Friday action, get ready. It's awesome. Then, check out the Facebook page, where we continue the discussion on the Kardashians and how I hate see-through pants. It's fun, I promise.

And for my usual readers, hi! I love you. Let's hang out, k? I have a big mission planned for Friday. Today's "good mom" activity is to take my kids to the doctor because my daughter needs a shot and then to head to the Disney Store to make her stop crying. I'm also on a mission to find some fly accessories for a cocktail dress. Yes, I just used "fly" in a sentence like it was 1993. I also listen to "Push It" a lot and sometimes reference In Living Color. Deal with it.


Janelle sent me this beaut on the Facebook page. THIS is why instead of asking your husband "Does this make me look fat?" you should always ask "Are these non-pants completely see-through to the point that you can see my butt dimples?" You'll probably get a more honest answer that way.


There could literally not be another thing wrong with these pants. They are stretchy, too-short butt-munching overalls worn jumper-style without a shirt by a model who needs a sandwich. It's like someone read this site and decided to marry all the things that I hate on one garment. If only they were acid wash!


WHY did I find this AFTER Valentine's Day!? (Sorry to all of my family members who read this blog.) Changes the meaning of "bacon lover" a little bit, doesn't it? Are you a bacon lover, or a BACON LOVER?



At first I was like "Ew, is that a horse on her head" and then I looked some more and realized I was looking at a tusked pig and everything was right with the world again.




Sara sent this to me with the subject "Breastplate shirt" and I was like hey, we all have to protect our girls somehow, amiright? Bacon bra or tin-plated shirt... tomato, tomahto.


I am totally the kind of person who will stay up till 2 am watching the history channel to learn more about King Tut's wives and whatnot, so I feel like I'm basically an expert. And I also feel like this swimsuit is not historically accurate. Also, I would feel uncomfortable that the graphic on my swimwear feels the need to cover me with his hands. Who knew Tut was such a stickler for modesty?


I saw these on Pinterest and the pinner was like "I need these so bad!" I was like uh, you "need" to have flotation devices strapped to your feet? What is this, Waterworld? I hope you also "need" ankle rehabilitation following a bad sprain after you fall off of your stupid 10" shoes.


Business in the front, lonely cat lady in the back.



If you ever wondered what happens when a carnival clown and a punk rocker vomit concurrently.


Actually, the more I look at this, the more I like it. I would love to wear this during the following times:
-When flying with my children.
-When I put on a jacket that is too small in the fitting room and can't get out of it again. Instant hyperventilation.
-When a store doesn't have a leopard skin skirt in my size (I'm looking at you, F21).
-When I see women in mom jeans.
-When I see men in mom jeans (OMG SO MUCH WORSE)
-When I find out that the next season of Downton (not Downtown, which is what my husband calls it) Abbey doesn't air until next year (seriously, just kill me.)
-When I find out that my daughter ate my last Canadian chocolate bar. Like seriously, I could just put her up for adoption for that.


I love these shoes that Ashley sent me. They're like tiny geriatric walkers for your feet. I would like them more if those little balls were actually tennis balls.


Alright, your Friday awaits! As always, thanks to the friends who send me ugly stuff throughout the week, it warms my cold little heart. I'll keep you up to date on my fly accessories hunt. I know you'll be waiting on pins and needles.

Jae's Guide to Accessorizing

The bulk of emails that I get are usually about how to accessorize an outfit. And while I usually answer those emails on a case-by-case basis, I can definitely give out some basics on accessorizing an outfit in general. Let's remember to not go too crazy with this, mmkay? When it comes to accessories, there aren't a lot of hard and fast rules. At the risk of sounding insane, I think it's kind of instinctual. Like, I lack all maternal instinct but I Have well-sharpened accessories insticnts. If you know what looks good, you know what looks good and can do whatever. Otherwise you can check out this guide on some cheats on how to make it look like you know what you're doing. It's all about faking it.

What? Who said that?

ANYWAY. Below you'll find some OK examples and the better versions of each for your visual enjoyment. Look at the small version for the ho-hum version and the big ones to see how I Jae-ified it. That's totally a word. What did we ever do before Polyvore!?

Below the knee dress, £25
GUESS metallic pumps, $50
Principles by Ben de Lisi silver clutch handbag, £28
Carolee jewelry, $50
Gold plating jewelry, $23


Accessories should enhance NOT overshadow your clothing. If you have clothes that have a cool feature (like the shoulder detail on this dress) you could lose the interest if you clutter it up with chunk jewelry right on top as well. Instead of a necklace, earrings are a better fit. They'll bring the attention upward and then it's like Oh, hey look at my cool shoulder detail I'm so fashionable. I also like to put space between my accessories. I rarely wear both earrings and a necklace at the same time because I like my accessories to kind of hold their own. These earrings are major and would be ruined when worn with a chunky necklace too. Also... these shoes own my soul (SOLE!) I kill myself.

Daytrip oversized cardigan, $44
Jersey top, £27
Hollister Co. light wash jeans, $35
Banana Republic ballet flat shoes, $46
Red Herring python handbag, £32
Wet Seal seed bead necklace, $8.50
Facets jewelry, $13
Cluster necklace, $14

Accessories should totally add interest to an outfit. If it's not going to make an impact, leave it in the jewelry box. I mean, I'm totally a jeans and a T-shirt girl during the week, but when those jeans are worn with studded flats and the tee has a chunky necklace it suddenly becomes an outfit. And if you're not into super flashy patterns, just use them in your shoes and bag. It's a super sneaky way to look more fashion-conscious without actually changing your basics. Hello? How easy is a red shirt and blue jeans. ANYONE CAN DO THIS. But OMG you guys, I still see moms in acid wash elastic waist jeans. Did I say moms? I meant Miley Cyrus.

H M wrap shirt, £7.99
Wallis pencil skirt, £20
Red high heels, $44
Navy blue pumps, $30
Teardrop earrings, $40
Amrita singh jewelry, $20
Wallis red ring, £8.75
Betty Jackson. Black stud earrings, £8
Mango black belt, £23
Leopard print belt, £20

Guess what? Matchy matchiness is only OK if you're competing in MotherBoy XXX.

Anyone? Anyone?


Moving on....


But seriously. When you match every part of your outfit, it looks a little newbie-ish, I'm not gonna lie. I like a mix of patterns and colors because it makes an outfit more interesting and it's pretty difficult to go wrong. Unless you're dressing like a complete hobo, in which case I disapprove. But seriously. Instead of doing a singular color theme, mix it up and have fun! I love the two types of animal print in an outfit like this. Because the color palette is neutral, it works. And red shoes match everything. EVERYTHING, I SAY! You should have some. The trick to making this look on purpose is to have a couple of things kind of match. Like the red in the shoes and the ring or the belt and the earrings. Just don't go overboard or you'll look like a contestant on Toddlers and Tiaras.

Hopefully that makes sense. If you keep these three things in mind: Accessory restraint, accessory interest and accessory mixing in mind when you shop, you can totally swing this. And then you can look smugly down upon Miley Cyruses mom jeans like I do.

What I Wore: Hot Date

After all of the craziness of last week, with V-day and my son's 3rd birthday, I absolutely did not want to be a "good mom." You see, every Friday I'm totally a "good mom" and take the mini-me's to do something fun, like when I nearly broke my collarbone at the air gym SO FUN YOU GUYS. It's really just my way of making up for my craptastic parenting skills on Monday through Thursday. But on Friday the only thing that sounded good to me was two hours in a dark theater with a tub of popcorn. Luckily, "The Secret World of Arietty" came out that day and my wish was granted. It was actually pretty good! And that means I didn't just slump down in my chair and cruise Pinterest like I did that time my kids wanted to see "Hoodwinked Too."

So, this is what I wear when I go on a romantical date with my two small children. Mostly, it's my mission in life to prove that motherhood doesn't have to be lame and yoga pants-inducing.


Tank: Tilly's
Sweater: No earthly idea
Pearls: Nordstrom
Jeans: Charlotte Russe
Shoes: Guess
Bag: Guess (I like Guess accessories despite the fact that their clothes make me look like a high-priced escort.)

The heels on these pointy shoes are deceivingly low, so they look way cooler than they actually are. I just don't do anything over 3 inches on weekdays. Speaking of which, I still have yet to wear my new purple shoes because it snowed AGAIN over the weekend. My shoes need to be WORN, mother nature! Don't hate.


I just ordered this shirt and love it. The cuts on the side? Adorbs.


This is easily my favorite picture of the day. My 5 year old was taking pictures (as per usual) and my son decided to ride into the shot on his new scooter. Which is about the same time I started threatening with his life because we were going to be LATE FOR THE MOVIE.

Just so you don't think I live this sophisticated and serene life. I yell. A lot. For every good picture there's seven of me yelling at my son or giving my daughter the stinkeye.



Oh wells. I was too excited about this pearls/snakeskin/exposed zipper combo to stay mad for long. Also -- proof I do have all of my teeth.

The best parts about taking your kids on a date to the movies on a Friday afternoon? 1) No other kids in the theatre. Mine were the only ones because everyone else was either 16 or 75. 2) I didn't badger my husband into taking me to a movie that he would regret, like the time I made him see "Monte Carlo."

Everyone wins!

Freaky Friday: Shoes

I'll be the first to admit that shoes are kind of my "thing." I buy them way too often and have way too many pairs and I just don't care. My mom is a motivational speaker and she went to an engagement where she mentioned ON STAGE that her daughter had 107 pairs of shoes and she said the all-female audience audibly GASPED. Like really? Is that really gasp-worthy?

But shoes. I like how much they can change an outfit so I make it a point to spend some serious shopping budget money on them. Shoes and books are basically where all of my disposable income lands. Le sigh.

But some shoes are so bad. I know, I have some in my closet. Remember my clodhoppers from my teen years? Yeah, I still have them. I moved them from Canada to Utah for heaven's sakes. Bad shoes are so awesomely amazing that they deserve their own FF post.

Lisa sent me these flotation devices to check out. Is it me, or are these totally Clueless-era 90s? Like, I can picture myself wearing them while paging through my Seventeen magazine and making a homemade face mask out of oatmeal and rocking out to Chumbawumba. Yes, that all happened once.

OK, twice.


(Thanks, Janelle.) I don't understand people who want to get married like, while skydiving or underwater. It's WEIRD and we all know those are the weddings that always lose on Four Weddings. But I guess if you were getting married in a SCUBA suit, these would make you look more feminine? Plus, they would make a sexy "SHLOP SHLOP" noise as you walked down the dock. The honeymoon has begun!


K, not only are these shoes completely HIDEOUS, but they make the model's foot look like little hoofs. Little hippie cougar prostitute hoofs.


Betty Rubble... so hot right now.


I know I've posted some awesome Uncle Jesse denim shoes before, but these once that Leah sent take the cake. I feel like these are way more Bret Michaels than Uncle Jesse, because Uncle Jesse at least had good hair and that redeemed him. These are more like date-skanky-girls-on-unexplainable-hit-TV-show-and-end-up-with-ex-wife-ish.


These were listed as "Eskimo Clogs." Listen, I'm from Canada -- so I basically grew up in an igloo -- and I will tell you a hundred percent that this is a misnomer. For one, we call them Inuits. For two, no self-respecting Inuit would wear plaid shoes. Please.


Is it weird that I want to reach out and stroke this shoe? Is it even weirder that I might have stroked the screen instead? Did I just make you uncomfortable?


Yup, this shoe 100 percent has a tail. I'm the find of person who habitually steps on my husband's heel while we're walking around together. I would go out of my way to step on someone's shoetail. Sorry, that's just the kind of person I am.



I never want to wear a shoe that gives a person the cause to wonder if my ankles need a bit of a trim.


UGH OXFORD SHOES. Burn with fire!! Just for funsies, I was out shopping with two of my single brothers and I brought them to a wall of these shoes and demanded to know their opinions. Mostly, they just made dry heaving noises. I took that as a negative. Seriously. I hate hipster shoes.


Luckily, there are more cute shoes than there are uglies. I almost bought a pair while looking for shoes for this post but I stopped myself. And by "stopped myself" I mean "got all the way to the checkout to find out they didn't have my size."

Self control, people.

Vintage HNTDLAM: Natural Cures for SCFD - Seasonal Crappy Fashion Disorder

Wow, my blog does not work well with acronyms.

I know I put this post up every year around the end of January and beginning of February and for good reason. I'm in the fashion doldrums, you guys. Although, my hubs did take me shopping last night for Valentine's and I got the ca-yootest nautical polka dot shirt and some other stuff that is making me happy. But today, I shall be working and cleaning and getting ready for a birthday party, so it's kind of the perfect day to slough off and repost my yearly reminder to stop dressing crappily just because it's wintertime. Other reasons?

1) It has been dreary and foggy here for the last couple of days and I need something colorful to brighten things up. Speaking of which, did you know I was voted "Most Likely to Brighten Your Day" of my graduating class? I kid you not. I'm a frickin' ray of sunshine. I cannot be contained by crappy February days!!

2) Honestly, February SUCKS for me. With V-Day and both my kids' birthdays all in a row plus some random meetings I need to get to, I can barely keep my head on straight, which means posting has to take a back seat until I can somehow conjure a Lightning McQueen cake. WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?

3) I have a lot more readers this year and I don't want you newbies missing out on valuable wisdom and pretty accessories.

Since this post still applies, I thought it was worth it to reiterate the fact that winter doesn't have to be all Blandsville and Lamestown. While I certainly love a wool skirt, I'll love it even more with a print top.

You guys aren't mad at me for reposting are you? I updated it for this year, so even if you've read it before, take a gander and get with the program again. I swear I'll make it up to you with Freaky Friday, mmmkay?



************************************************************************************************

One thing that you should know about me, other than the fact that I constantly, incorrectly use the words "scratch" and "itch" interchangeably, is that I LOVE WINTER. I grew up in the Great White North, and was conditioned to sub zero temperatures, and now that I live somewhere snowy and mild, I find it delightful.

You don't even understand when I explain the coldness that was Toronto. Only those that live there, have moved away, and come back really realize how bone chillingly, nostril freezing, stay in bed with an electric blanket cold it is up there. Now when I go home to visit, I wonder how I ever survived. And my parents made me WALK to school. Uphill both ways. True story. NO really.

So while I love winter where I live, the snow, the not-too-cold cold and the opportunity to drink a lot of two packet hot chocolate, there is one thing I don't love. In the words of Tyra Banks, I feel like it is an epidemic sweeping the nation.

SCFD - Seasonal Crappy Fashion Disorder.

Those suffering from SCFD may experience the following symptoms: Wearing the same clothes too often because they're "comfortable", stepping outside of the house in sweats at 3pm, wearing parkas ALL THE TIME, and looking unkempt, not put together, and altogether sad.

Luckily, you don't have to visit your doctor to find the cure for SCFD. I offer it free. Which is really, really nice of me when you think of it. Co-pays are high.

To battle SCFD, use bright colors to add to your neutrals to brighten up your clothes and your outlook.


Take one bright, basic green belt from Buckle, and wrap it around a khaki skirt or trench coat to add a pop of color.


Use a yellow trench and wear over all neutrals to spread general SCFD cheer. (PS Plus sized girls, this one is for you!) I totally have a yellow trench and have challenged myself to wear it with red heels in the next week or so. KABLOW!



Sub a soft, orange Michal Kors hobo for your usual structured, basic bag. I'm carrying a black bag right now, but this is inspiring me to dig out my teal bag for funsies.


Grab a pair of red heels that are totally appropriate for winter (Unless you're walking to work! Then use flats or boots.) Wear with all of your black and gray winter staples.



Bring some color to your pale face with a freakin' adorable headband by Charlotte Russe. Bahh I might be buying this I love it so much.



Finish off with a winter-y warm, but still bright and adorable scarf from PacSun.

Prescription directions: Don't go all crazy and wear all of these items at once. You'll look a) crazy and unbalanced or b) like a gay pride parade barfed on you. Choose one at time. Wear with neutrals and all of the outfits you've been wearing all winter long; sweaters, jeans, heavier skirts and slacks. Feel free to share your prescription with others. Seeing people looking drab and boring in the winter makes me want to curl up, watch Titanic and cry. Remember that you don't need to pull out all of your spring wardrobe now, as it is still frigid in most parts of the country.

Do not mix items with puffy hoodies, parkas or moon boots, as the combination will dilute the cuteness of the bright accessories, and SCFD may resume.

Side effects may include: Jae being very happy that people aren't wearing gray anymore, compliments from husband, and a feeling of admiration from the general public, and very rarely, an empty wallet. Empty wallet only occurs when you don't know how to shop properly. Adjust your shopping techniques.

Consult a retail store if SCFD doesn't improve with the addition of better fashion. You might need me to yell at you and say things like, "Oh heading to another funeral, are we?" Because I totally will behind your back.

What I Wore: Mixed Up

How was everyone's weekend? In case you were wondering, I DID go see The Vow (with girls -- my husband has his limits) and then I bought some amazing shoes. I was all set to wear said amazing shoes when I woke up to a foot of snow outside. The shoes I bought were peeptoe. So I have to retool and wear some trusty boots instead.

I've posted about pattern mixing before, and here is how I do it. I love love this wrap dress but it can be a little boring. It fits like a glove so I keep it around and usually use different accessories to make it more interesting. I was doing my laundry the other day and realized that my scarf and tights had the exact same color palette and I was really more excited than anyone should ever be about scarves and tights. REGARDLESS, they worked to make my wrap dress less of a snooze-fest.


Scarf: Somewhere in the mall... I think Vanity? lol
Dress: Max Studio
Belt: Walmart WHAT
Tights: Target
Boots: Crystal
Ring: Inspired Silver

In case you haven't noticed, I have pretty specific tastes. I love the idea of mixing patterns but I don't ever want to look like I'm pulling off some uber hipster granny chic thing. So keeping the patterns in the same color family and positioning them on a foundation color like this dusky brown kinda tones down the "quirky" factor. Like, I'm pretty quirky in my personality but I don't like to dress quirky.

Even though we all know I have a Liger shirt.

But other than that...



These boots are my famous "NICU" boots. The ones that I wore the day after having my baby and my legs swelled to massive proportions and I couldn't walk anymore. Oh, vanity, why do you treat me so badly? I ended up having to make my mom run into a store to buy some flats. But when I'm not like, 12 hours postpartum, I love the way they fit.

Alright, I just finished a ruthless Pilates class and kind of want to eat everything in sight so I'd better go get something quasi healthy before I undo my good work. So hungryyyyy.

Is butter a carb? (Name that movie!!)

Freaky Friday

Hey guys!

I did something I NEVER do this morning: I slept in. I'm usually super strict about wake up time because I like to get an hour of work in before the rest of the house wakes up. But my son woke up in the night and after dealing with him I came back to bed and switched off my alarm. Then, I woke up roughly 10 minutes before my daughter's bus comes and everyone else was still sound asleep. So I am completely off schedule and that's weird for me. I've basically spent the morning eating brownies, watching Youtube clips and being generally unproductive. It's completely thrown me off.

But I DID get some freakiness together. So I would say that I got the important stuff done. Brownie eating and Freaky Friday are pretty high at the top of the list.


K, so I watched Kourtney and Kim Take New York and Kim wore this jacket in tan for basically every interview portion. Look, I can understand a little shoulder pad. I don't mind a stronger shoulder. I do mind looking like an alien overlord.


These could be the ugliest pants ever, but they're missing a drop crotch. So they're only like, the second ugliest pair of pants ever. And seriously, whaddup with those ace bandage shoes?


This is basically what my fishing rod looks like after my husband takes me fishing and I spend an hour messing around with the reel and getting yelled at.

My husband is super serious about his fishing. I'm super serious about laying on the boat and reading Cosmo, It's basically a perfect marriage.



HAHA I found this in my FF folder on my computer and I have no idea how or why it got in there but it is EXCELLENT. "He'll look so great his Grandma won't recognize him" might be the best slogan of all time. Almost as cool as dressing your son up as a tiny swinger.


Corinna sent me this little gem. Ugh, I know that I'll catch some flack for saying this, but is there anything more annoying than women who want to make a point with breastfeeding. Yay I'm so excited your have breasts and can feed your baby, can I go back to not caring now? I breastfed both of my kids -- do you know who didn't know that? Everyone ever. Because I don't feel the need to use my baby or my boobs to make a point about anything.

But maybe it's because I didn't have this hat. Heaven forbid I wouldn't get to make a point with my boob hidden behind my nursing baby!

Also, I guarantee -- GUARANTEE -- your baby doesn't want to dress up as a giant nipple. Like, I promise this will become a sore spot when he's 16.


Yes, that's right. You're look at a $100 high-fashion fanny pack. Remember when Sex and the City tried to make fanny packs cool again? It's so awkward. Although, my dad (my BIKER dad who has been known to rock a fanny pack) will be thrilled that they're back. So handy!


Brittney sent over these beauts. See that red sole? Yeah, these are Louboutins. Torturous, torturous Louboutins. The more I look at these the more I feel the need to wear flip flops.


My dear friend Manda sent these to me and they have haunted my dreams ever since. And you thought Vibrams were bad!


Meleah sent me an entire article about trends that we wish would never come back. This one was listed as shorts so short the pockets hang out. Can we change that to "Shorts so short that the pockets hang out worn with the world's ugliest Uggs and bad extensions while having a complete mental breakdown?" I think that is more comprehensive and accurate.

Of course, Britney Spears is totally my guilty pleasure so I can't be too mean.



Both Wendy and Kimberly sent me these, which means they were doubly offensive. On the bright side, they really highlight your gluteus maximus... LITERALLY. HA...ha..............ha.

I don't want to live on this planet anymore.


Alright, I need to go back to being unproductive again. After last week's dalliance with whiplash, I'm staying away from trampolines for the weekend and am planning to go see The Vow tomorrow because I'm girly like that. The reviews were terrible, which is a surefire way to categorize it as a movie that I will thoroughly enjoy and/or sob through. YAY.