Freaky Friday: Swimwear

Finishing up our swimwear week here! It was a super good refresher for me since we're going to Lake Powell (a massive lake that spans over the Utah/Arizona border) next week and I needed to have a reality check before I frolicked pantsless for a few days. I can do this!

I did a lot of online swimsuit shopping before I went and tried anything on, which helped me get my bearings on what I wanted. But that also meant I came across delicious, delicious swimwear that no one should ever put on their bodies EVER. Oh I love my online shopping habit.

Observe:


Even the Little Mermaid would be like "OMG that is SO cliche." And she was a mythological fish who got married at 16. If she has more sense than you, you're in trouble.


Nude swimsuits are NEVER a good idea. Seriously. Especially when they are as crotchtastic and ill-fitting as this one. One time, my best friend and I were camping and we decided to head down to the beach. There was a grouping of people playing volleyball and one older man was in a nude-colored Speedo. That was 10 years ago. It still haunts me.


FINALLY! Swimwear for hipsters! This way, everyone can know how intellectual you are even when you have to dress like anyone else.

PS... suspenders on a swimsuit. It just seems wrong, doesn't it?

Also, has anyone seen this post over at Verbal Vomit? Read both chapters. I woke up this morning to a message from my brother who is living in Botswana and it was to proclaim his love for the girl who illustrates and writes Verbal Vomit. (Verbal Vomit girl... he's siiiiingle!) But it was totally worth being jolted out of sleep for. And to his credit, it was probably like 5pm in Bots.


Oh poor Kesha. Not only does she look unwashed 99 percent of the time, she also chose the most UNFLATTERING swimsuit of all time. I desperately want to push her boobs upward and it's not because I like touching Kesha's breasts. I don't think I do anyway.


In general, I like to keep gingivitis away from by lady business. But that's just me.


I saw that cats were a big trend this summer. If there's anything we learned from the eHarmony cat girl, it's that cat owners are really balanced and normal people.



It took me like, 10 minutes to figure out where this swimsuit actually went. I'm thinking on a lamp? But I could be wrong.

PS I like the bum fringe. It's special.



Quite possibly the most matronly swimsuit I've ever seen. And the matchy hat makes me want to curl into a ball and cry. You know this woman sits on the beach to read parenting books and Twilight because she's one of *those* middle-aged women.


Tan lines! Tan lines! Oh the tan lines!

Now you know what NOT to buy, go forth! Go forth and purchase swimwear that is actually wearable! Then go to the pool and read non-parenting books and snap undercover pictures of bad swimwear and send them to me. Just make sure it isn't actually me you're taking pictures of because I'll be sooooper offended.

Fright-Free Swimwear

So since I went all Oprah on you yesterday, I thought I'd better put my money where my mouth is and give some ideas for cute swimwear. One thing that bugs me about swimsuit shopping is that we're always taught to look for things that minimize problem areas. How negative is that? Instead, look for suits that emphasize your best areas. Have hot legs? Find a suit with high-cut sides (but not 80s high cut because that was vulgar.) Have a great rack? Helllllo halter top. Perky butt? A bikini brief is your friend. I put together a few different styles of suits that I totally loved so you're not flying blind at the blindingly fluorescently lighted superstore.

One-Piece Wonders:

Talbot, $44
Bikini swimwear, $45
Talbots one piece swimwear, $43
Talbot, $43
One piece bathing suit, $20

If your'e more of a one-piece girl, I would like to point out that the choices are so much better than the Speedos of old. One pieces are great for showing off cute legs and an awesome chest. Look for lots of interest around the bust. If you're feeling saucy, a monokini with side cutouts is super modern. I especially love suits with frills up top. Um adorable, let's go tan immediately. Also, remember that patterns are our friends, but as always, choose one in proportion to your size. That zebra is PERFECT.

Mix and Match:

Purple top, $20
Sporty Shirred Swim Skirt | Athleta
Halter bikini, $9.99
J Crew bikini beach swimwear, $35
Roxy bathing suit, $40
Old navy swimwear, $18
H m swimwear, £7.99
String bikinis swimwear, $30


I am forever grateful for whoever invented the method of selling tops and bottoms separately. I am so crazy disproportionate that I can never fit into a regular suit. Small up top and generous in the trunk means that I always buy two-pieces. I'm really into non-matchy swimwear right now. Nothing says you have to be all solid, all the time. My fave swimwear I own are teal bottoms that I wear with a black top. It's so much sportier and fun.


Covering Up

Billabong embroidered dress, $26
Raisins bathing suit, $30
Maxi skirt, £15
Daytrip, $19
GUESS swimwear, $50

So if you're not 100 percent on board with me and my self lovey doveyness, I understand. But there are MUCH better ways to feel covered at the pool than your husband's shorts. They are gross and make me judge you. That's unfair to me. Cute dresses and maxi skirts are SO CUTE when lounging poolside. I also find them super easy because you can toss them in your bag and change fast, allowing you to stand in line at the snow cone shack feeling confident. (Not that I go to the snow cone shack after swimming. I'm just sayin'.) Also, love the idea of a maxi skirt as a cover up. Must do immediately!

And tomorrow, you'll never guess what I'll feature for Freaky Friday!? You guessed it! Bad swimsuits!! Cannot wait.

Freaky Friday: Welcoming Baby

I must have pregnancy on the brain today. Probably because I habitually get pregnant at the end of May. Last month I realized that my youngest is the age my oldest was when I got knocked up again and I swear I broke into a cold sweat. I don't know HOW I thought I was ready then. My youngest is a tiny terrorist and he leaves everything in his path bruised, bloodied and destroyed. I can't have anymore kids just because I shudder to think what he'd do to them.

That's my story today anyway. Anytime someone asks me when I'm having another I like to give another from my list of "1,001 Reasons Why Jae Should Stop Procreating Immediately."

Reason #342: I have a deathly fear of ultrasound machines.

Reason #667: I don't like children.

Reason #29: The Bachelorette is on.

Anyway, I did come across some AWESOME maternity photos while reflecting on my own pregnancies. I warn you: there is a lot of body exposure and even more awkwardness. I will tell you now that I didn't post the worst one because this is a family site. But I might post the link in the comments because it is TOO GOOD.



Is it me or is Halloween and pregnancy the only time women can wear nothing and no one can say anything about it? I understand that the pregnant form is beautiful and you want to preserve the memory, but I really don't see the purpose in the bunny tail. Also, were these pictures done at Sears?


Speaking of bunnies... didn't "being sexy" get you into this mess? Somewhere, Hugh Hefner is turning over in his grave.

What's that? He's not dead yet? Well, then he's turning over in his mid-afternoon nap.

PS the proximity of that man to her crotch befuddles me.


Oh pregnancy! So many cravings! I spent my last pregnancy craving sushi. For some women, it's pickles and ice cream. And the always classic watermelons and handguns. Pregnancy is so SILLY!



Why hello! You just caught us semi-naked walking through the forest! Wanna paint my belly and take pictures?


Just one word: HOW. HOW was this woman hoisted into this tree? Mind = boggled.


Contrary to popular belief, their favorite broadway show is "Phantom of the Opera."

PS, I was reflecting on how women talk their husbands into stuff like this. If I were like "Hey honey, want to go have our entire bodies painted like characters from "Cats" and take pictures?" He would laugh and then nervously walk away to build something.

I wish we lived in a culture where it was OK to get naked and wear a Russian hat and eat pregnant women's bellies. One day.... one day.


Let's play "Spot the Obvious Thing that is Wrong With this Picture!!!" You have 10 seconds. GO!


I hate these types of pictures. Nothing like commemorating your pregnancy and the fact that your husband has completely let himself go in one shot. Oh, memories.


I've seen bow shots that are cute. But bow shots that make the belly look like a Faberge egg? Super creepy.

Hey, it's totally fine to take pictures of your uber cute belly in those last few months of pregnancy. Plus they can act as proof when you go to guilt your kids, as in "REMEMBER WHEN I LIKE, TOTALLY GESTATED YOU? Clean your room!"

But don't overshare.

FINE I'll post the worst one in the comments. But you've been warned. It might ruin your Friday, and Fridays are sacred and precious to me.

Summer Neon Love

Is it any wonder that I'm totally obsessed with wearing neon right now? It's finally warmed up and I get to dress more casually. Add that to the fact that EVERY store is carrying these awesome neons and you have a recipe for a classic Jae obsession.

Here's the problem though. Neons can look reallllly teeny bopper if you aren't careful. Seriously, I have a full on seizure every time I go into Wet Seal or something and it's wall to wall neon colors. It's basically a rave in there. So to avoid looking like you do ecstasy or are 12 or heaven forbid, BOTH, you really need to temper your neon for more grown uppedness. Here's some ideas.

Short sleeve cardigan, $45
Racer back tank top, $20
TOMS canvas flat shoes, $44
TopShop crossbody handbag, $45
Dorothy Perkins beading jewelry, 8.50 GBP
Zara belt, $16

Wearing neon with a neutral reallllly helps to tone down the brightness and the youth of the colors. I especially love neon with gray because it's not as stark and 80s aerobic clothing-like as wearing neon with black. When paired with uber-casual clothes, a neon shirt doesn't look so crazypersonshocking. ALSO! I know that some people hate TOMS. But please, how adorable are they with denim bermudas? I love.

Old Navy lightweight pants, $15
H&M flip flop shoes, 2.99 GBP
Rue21 bow handbag, $17
Rachel leigh jewelry, $50
Dorothy Perkins beading jewelry, 9.50 GBP
Rebel Yell Surf Athletic Raw Football Tee in Neon Pink, $73

My personal preference when wearing neons is to team them up with super crisp whites. I bought a psychotically bright orange shirt while on my Memorial Day shopping spree and I wore it with my white cargos that I never can match to anything. It was bright, crisp and a little boho without being completely overbearing. One of the other awesome things about doing neons, especially for casual wear, is that all neons match each other, so it really doesn't matter what colors you wear together. I recommend going with more monochromatic colors if you want to be ever taken seriously. While the nine year old in me would LOVE to wear neon orange and neon green together, I usually stick with pink, coral and orange together so as not to terrify the general public.

Scoop neck tank, 10 GBP
Old Navy khaki skirt, $23
Zara platform sandals, $100
River Island shoulder handbag, 37 GBP
Peacock necklace, 7 GBP
TopShop wrap ring, $20
MAC Nail Lacquer, $14
MAC Nail Lacquer, $14
MAC Nail Lacquer, $14

Finally, you can make a statement without actually wearing neon yellow pants. Just use neons in your accessories. Are these shoes not AMAZING? They made me die a little. Adding a necklace, a ring, some bright nails, they all work well IF the actual outfit is otherwise demure. Perfect for khaki and white. Scary on neon clothes.


The trick is always balance. If you want to wear neon in your clothes, choose one piece and keep the rest neutral. As accessories, everything is fair game so long as the outfit is subdued.

Now to figure out how to explain to my husband my insatiable need for neon shoes.

Bi's and Tri's

When I ask people what they would like to improve, I have often heard "I would like to have Michelle Obama arms".

We have a fun little expression we say when working out our arms in boot camp....

"Bi's and Tri's get the guys"

We dig deep and keep going even when it hurts. Now whether we are really trying to "get the guys" or if you are lucky enough to already have someone special, having awesome looking arms, not only makes you feel great, but you will look great in a sexy T or tank.

4 Signs that you need to change up your arm program:

1) You notice that your back and chest workouts are falling short because your arms are giving out first

2) You are not seeing the changes that you would like to see

3) Your arms may be getting thicker but you would like to see more definition and shape.

4) You find yourself just going through the motions

If any of these sound familiar to you, it may be time for a change. To avoid falling short in your back and chest workouts, you will probably need to work on endurance and strength. If you are not seeing the changes you would like to, then change up your routine. Change the exercises, how many reps you do, the speed in which you perform them and the weights that you use.
If you are looking for more shape from your arms, you may need to take a look at your eating habits and tighten up.

Don't just go through the motions. Train smarter. Do just walk randomly from one exercise to the next. Make a plan. Know exactly what exercises you want to to, the reps you will perform and the weight you will be using. Don't be afraid to lift heavier weights. You will often find you will see the results you are looking for.

Try some of my favourite exercises and get your own Michelle Obama arms:

TRX Tricep extension.
Be sure to keep your belly button pulled in and as you lean forward your elbows stay close together verses coming out. When you are at the position when your elbows are bent push away to return to the start position.



Tricep Dips on a bench
Be sure to keep your back close to the bench and don't use your legs to help you up. Try and keep it all in the tris.



Single arm cable curls
For this exercise you need to keep your elbows up. Don't let them fall below paraelle to the floor. Watch your weight. Start off light and make sure you do it correctly and then increase the weight. If you don't have access to a gym with a cable system, this can easily be done with tubing and a door attachment. Just do one arm at a time.

Tricep Extension:
Keep your belly button pulled in, knees soft and drop the weight back behind your head. The most important thing with this exercise is to keep your elbows close to your ears. Don't let them swing out.


Dumbbell Curls
Keep your knees soft, belly button in and as you lift the weight, exhale. Be sure to lift all the way up and then lower all the way back down.


Of course with any great exercise program, you need a great eating plan. So drink more water (especially with the warmer weather), cut out that sugar (refined) not those found in fruit and veggies and load up on your veggies and you will be on your way (sooner than you think) to getting your very own pair of Michelle Obama arms:)

Committed to your fitness success,
Kelly Parker
www.fitmommakeover.net

Freaky Friday: Fun with Keywords

It's that time again! Time to go through my StatCounter to see what kind of crazy Google queries lead people to my blog. Don't get me wrong, I totally love the freaks that search for foot fetish pictures and man unicorns. They are basically half of my fan base. (HI FREAKS! KISSES!)

Anyway, I got a good little crop. And if today's post seems late today, that's because it is. I got hit with a massive computer virus this morning and spent like three hours fighting it off. I'm not sure if it's cmopletely gone. Then I was so keyed up over it I went shopping. I have a problem. I bought a swimsuit. It's been a weird day.

Anyway, here's the latest and greatest from my recent searches!

"When are you too old to wear a side ponytail?"

That, my friend, relies completely on the placement. A high side pony, like Deb?


After age two. If you are using Google, you're too old.

A low pony like yours truly?


I wear one like, every day of my life and I'm 27. I figure I can get away with it till at least 30.

"How can I wear wedges without looking like a whore?"

I actually LOLed at that one. Here's some examples:


These are dirty whore shoes.


These are lovely and lady like.



These have a face and are for whores.



These are colorful and fun.



Whore.

Are we settled? I feel like we should know the difference by now. Please email if you need further help on what constitutes as whore shoes.

"Do capris look good if you have large calves?"

I don't know. Do half-shirts look good if you have a beer belly?

"How to steal makeup."

SHAME ON YOU! Don't come to my blog ever again, Winona Ryder!!

"Mesh shirts."



Yeah, I'm going to have a shower. Like now. You don't even know what I had to dig through to find this picture. So... dirty...

"How to get a flat stomach like Lady Gaga."

Well, first of all don't come here. I generally think she's an idiot and rarely have anything good to say. BUT! I did read in "US Weekly," the fine publication that it is, that Lady Gaga attributes her new skinny body to "whiskey and starving."

So wait... what you're saying is....wait for it....she WASN'T born that way!? AHAHAHA.

What a fine role model for young girls across America.

"Capris and flip flops foot fetish."

Way to set that fetish bar high, random searcher. I just feel like having a fetish for something you see every day at Walmart is a little low brow, am I right?

Plus, ew.

Happy weekend friends! I have big plans to clean the house and then convince myself to go to the pool in said new swimsuit. Wish me luck!

Product Review!: e.l.f. Studio Cream Eyeliner

***Disclaimer: I was not reimbursed for this review. While I think it would be super cool if e.l.f. sent me free stuff all the time, I bought my product on my own and this is all pure honesty. That's how I roll.***

So it's no secret that I'm obsessed with e.l.f. products. Seriously, half the items in my makeup bag are from the brand. It's just that every time I order with them I usually have to meet a certain dollar amount for free stuff, which means I order like, 9 billion products because everything is so dang cheap. You'd think that at a $1 to $3 you'd be getting like, Bonne Bell Lip Smackers and nail files, but all the stuff is awesome.

The last order I did I noticed they had a new cream eyeliner. Have I also told you I'm obsessed with eyeliner? I've been using e.l.f. liquid liner pens forever and had an extra $3 to spare, so I added it to my cart.

Ooooh I am so glad that I did. This stuff is awesome. Now, it's not for the demurely makeuped. If you prefer a super natural (but not supernatural, that's completely different) look, you should know that this makes a very thick line. But if you like a little drama, like me, it's PERFECT.

I bought the plummy purple color because I have blue eyes. As a quick makeup note, if you want your eyes to stand out, wear an eye color that is opposite. Nothing bugs me more than seeing blue eyeshadow on a chick with blue eyes. (OK, fine. Social discrimination bugs me more. But blue eyeshadow is UP THERE.) If you want a quick refresher for eyeliner rules depending on eye color:

Blue eyes: Brown or plum
Green eyes: Brown or red/pink
Brown eyes: Navy blue
Hazel: Brown
All colors: Gray
No one ever: White

Anyway, this cream eyeliner stuff is pretty awesome. I use it to do a heavier cat eye on top when I'm going sans-liner on the bottom. I've also used it to add a little color and definition along the bottom lashes too and I was totally happy with the results. It comes with an adorable little brush that I lose on a near-daily basis, but it's perfect for lining. And I feel like if you have trouble with liquid liner but still want the drama, cream liner is the next best thing. You have way more control over the product so you're not getting liquid liner all over the place. And as a completely unnecessary note, the other day I had one of those massive liquid eyeliner malfunctions where I got it EVERYWHERE and looked like I was in a fight and had to wash my face completely and start over. It was a great day.

Also, this stuff lasts forever. It will not smudge because it dries and then it's on there until you do the scary thing at night when you go from hot mama to pajama-ridden, ponytailed sleep machine.

Anyway, totally worth a try if you have $3 lying around and you want to try something new. And I know you do! It's basically the price of a massive Cherry Limeade from Sonic. I totally stopped and got one at like 10:30 last night. I'm staring at the cup right now. My life is riveting.

EDIT!!


Alright, as per request, here's some pictures of the liner IN ACTION! So, I love me some cat eye, but since it's heavy on top I typically leave the bottom alone to avoid closing in the eye. It's super dramatic and retro and a lot easier to do with cream than it is liner.


Herrrrre's the whole effect. And now you know what my hair looks like in the morning. IGNORE THAT. Focus on the eyes. I've also got a layer of mascara on because I die without mascara. Seriously.

Hopefully that makes more sense! I always hesitate when posting pics of myself on the blog because I don't want everyone to be like OMG JAE STOP BEING SO VAIN. But if you need them, ask away and I shall feel validated.