Freaky Friday

SO I woke up this morning to see SNOW outside my window. What the what? Luckily, it'll be in the 70s all next week. Way to be, Utah.

Therefore, I am completely hibernating today until the sun comes out again. I shall amuse myself with bad fashion sent by my fave loyal readers. Thanks for the material, guys!



Amy snapped this pic while shopping at Ross. No, that's not her daughter trying on a pair of heels. That's size-7 Amy trying on a pair of size 14 boats. I'm just glad to know that women and drag queens with a size 14 foot can have cute shoes too.


Alexandra posed these on the Facebook page. I don't care who you are, but if your butt is visible, I will contemplate inserting a quarter. I may or may not actually do it, but just we warned. I'm thinking about it.


Lindsay snapped this shot at the zoo with her family. I can only assume that the zoo also features a circus, and this juggler was on her break. Please let that be true.


Meleah sent this pic of Jada Pinkett Smith at the Desperately Trying to Look Younger 2012 Awards. Oh wait, I meant Kids Choice. My bad!

Don't worry Jada, it's not like you're married to one of the most attractive men on the planet or anything. Definitely keep dressing like a deranged 12-year-old with child-bearing hips.


Sara sent me this awesome burger makeup listed on a page called "Looks to Try." I have never once looked at myself in the mirror and wished for more pickles and ketchup.


Deanna and Amy both sent me these picnic pants that open into a for-real table. Yeah, I'm pretty sure God already gave us space to eat off of our pants. It's called a lap. And conveniently enough, you can use it with your legs neatly closed.


Alexandra sent over the world's saddest pirate shirt. Somewhere, Jerry Seinfeld is very worried.


These shoes look like the entire craft section of the dollar store barfed onto a pair of heels. You guys know I love feathers, but not the kind you can buy in a big, multicolor plastic bag. (Thanks Stephanie!)


Just in case these pantaloon-thingies weren't ugly enough on their own, they have a weirdly smooth butt that makes me feel pervy.

Is it me, or does this scream "Unfinished Piece on Project Runway?"

It's almost as good as this:

Whatever you do, DO NOT step away from that wall.

(Thanks Heather!)

OMG you guys, what the duck is up with these shoes Sara sent me?

Bahahahahaha like I actually laughed while typing that. Just so you know. Puns.

Alright, I kind of want to make some hot chocolate and surf the web for cat videos, so my Friday is pretty much all booked up. Maybe I'll do something worthwhile tomorrow. I also need to go to Macy's... I have a gift card. It's not breaking the shopping diet if I have a gift card, right?

Right!?

All Dressed Up and Nowhere to Go

One complaint I often hear from moms is that they have nowhere to wear all the cute things posted on fashion blogs. I mean, really! When you're hauling diapers around, the clutch doesn't really have a place in your life. I can totally understand that. My husband bought me a gorgeous little designer handbag right before I had my first baby and I only got to carry it for like, a month before it was honkin' huge bag time.

Now, I'm sure you already know that I don't like this kind of thinking. It's like only eating fish sticks for a week yourself because that's all your picky two-year-old will eat. I think that stepping it up appearance-wise can make a big difference in how you carry yourself and how you feel.

But how can you make trendier, cuter stuff part of your daily repertoire? I'll tell you right now, it's going to freak some people out. When I started wearing dresses casually like, four years ago, people would always ask me why I was "so dressed up." And I'll admit, it annoyed me to death -- like, is anything but jeans considered "dressed up?" But after a while, people got used to it and I don't hear a peep.

Yes, it's hard to transition and it's a little embarrassing when people make a big deal about your wearing flats instead of sneakers, but it's all for a good cause, right?

Instead of sticking with the same old because you don't really have anywhere to wear something new, MAKE UP A REASON.

Check it out:

Halter neck top, $30
Lauren Conrad slim fit jeans, $35
Michael Antonio white heels, $50
Clutch handbag, $40
Stella dot jewelry, $44
Forever 21 antique rhinestone jewelry, $6.80

Seriously, one of the first things I do when I buy a new jacket or pair of shoes is snag a babysitter and tell my hubs we're going out for a night. Yes, I could go to the movies in a hoodie and sneaks, but it's way more fun to bust out the leopard print heels for a date, even if it's just to the cheap theater (which, in most cases for us, it is).

H m blazer, £25
H&M slim fit pants, £25
Black Paisley Border Top, £15
Wet Seal wedge heels, $22
Magid straw clutch, $50
Chandelier earrings, $20

Or how about a girl's night? I love to go for lunch or din-dins with my friends and wear some of my better stuff that doesn't get much play on a daily basis. I wore my yellow skinnies out to a friend's birthday lunch on Monday and I'm telling you now, women can appreciate colored jeans more than a man ever could.

Old Navy striped shirt, $17
Miss Selfridge skirt, $26
Blowfish ballerina flat, $40
Quiksilver beach tote bag, $33
Miss Selfridge cotton scarve, $25
H&M retro sunglasses, £4.99
Wet Seal beaded belt, $11

Even hanging out with your kids on a trip to the museum gives you a chance to bust out your new scarf or wear a preppy cardigan instead of the same old stuff.

All I'm saying is that you shouldn't be waiting for an invitation to the Oscars to get a little dressed up every now and again. For one, it's probably not going to happen, and if it does, you'll end up wearing Spanx.

NOT FUN.

Instead of biting your lip and relegating cute clothes to the back of your closet, bust 'em out and make 'em work for whatever you're doing. I cannot tell you how much of a difference it makes. I'm not even kidding. Yesterday I did laundry and mopped floors in a maxi skirt. I'd be lying if I said I didn't spin around a little and pretend I was Cinderella. I'm only human. Regardless, I didn't have to avoid my own reflection when I cleaned the mirrors, which is totally what happens when I'm hanging around the house in my husband's basketball shorts and that hoodie I have with inexplicable burn marks. I just can't bring myself to throw it out.

Anyway, I give you a challenge to find an "occasion" where you can get dressed up this week. Hey, I'm not talking stilettos and a cocktail dress to your kid's field trip, I'm talking lunch with the girls, an impromptu outing with your kidlets, or to surprise your significant other for lunch at work. Not only will it inspire you to wear some of the more special pieces in your closet, but it's FUN.

Will you promise? Dooooooooo it. Peeeeeer pressure!

What I Wore: Last Binge

I love these white pants. Love them. But white pants are so scary. I wore these to catch "Mirror Mirror" with my 6 year old and a gaggle of kindergarten friends and I spent the two hours worrying that I would get popcorn butter on them. Scary thought. I did OK, though, despite being the most spill-prone person on the planet.

Because it was a gooooorgeous spring day when I wore these, I decided to team up white with some coral and teal. And flip flops, because that's how I roll.


Sweater: Cotton On
Pants: Abercrombie
Scarf worn as belt: GAP
Flip flops: Ummm I've had them since I got married and can't remember. That was 9 years ago.
Earrings: Buckle
Ring: Downeast Basics

Seriously, is there a more summery combo than white, teal and coral? I think not. It made me want to eat peach snow cones and go for a ride in the Jeep with the top off. But alas, it would mess up my hair.



Local girls, have you checked out Cotton On in the University Mall? It's new and it's adorable. I bought a couple of shirts (including this one for cheap) and some home decor stuff. I KNOW. Home decor, who knew?

I will also point out that the beginning of April begins the start of my annual shopping diet. Since I tend to blow my shopping budget in May, I try not to buy anything in April to pad my account. Think I can do it? I bid a bittersweet farewell to the mall on Thursday. It was sad. We hugged. Tears were shed. Money was spent in binge-style. I'm done now.

Anyone wanna shopping starve with me? It'll be fuuuuun!

Freaky Friday: Fun with Keywords

I just got back from yoga, where I'm happy to say I didn't spend the entire time thinking about pastrami burgers. This time I was too busy agonizing over my freakishly small arms. Le sigh.

Anyway, I signed into my stat counter the other day and noticed that the weirdo search queries were piling up yet again. Time for some more fun with keywords, right?

(If you're new to the blog, "Fun with Keywords" is when I check the search queries that people used to find my oh-so-fine website and then try and figure out how to answer them. YAY!)

-"Volleyball nude."

Um, I'm not a huge volleyball player at all. But that's because I'm 5'4' yuk yuk yuk I am so funny. But seriously. There's a lot of jumping. If nude, wouldn't there be a lot of flopping as well? SHUDDER.

-"Sexy woman wearing half-arm latex gloves."

What an incredibly specific fantasy you have.
Wife: Want to role play tonight?
Husband: Do I!?
Wife: Tell me what you want.
Husband: I'd like you to wear half-arm latex gloves. HALF ARM. None of those unsexy wrist-length. Also, I'd like you to wear three-year-old tennis shoes with purple socks. PURPLE. Then, exactly two inches of belly skin showing. I have a ruler to check. Put your hair in a hairnet and draw a heart on your face while singing Coldplay's Viva la Vida.
Wife: I have a headache.

(In case you were wondering, yes, I did miss my calling as an adult film writer.)

-"Bedazzled jean jacket."


-"Fanny pack abs."

I think you and I both know there's no such thing. Fanny packs are almost always worn with a pancake butt and tourist belly, kthanks.

-"Mango fantasy clothes."

That really depends on the type of mango.


Either way, things are gonna get exotic.

-"Pikachu jokes."

Um.. OK. Here goes:

Why did the pokémon trainer hide under your bed?
So he could pikachu in the night!

Ba-dum dum cheeeee. (That was drum.)

-"Women cat exercise clothes."

Sorry. This was all I found. But I think it's infinitely more adorable than a woman wearing a cat leotard, amiright?

-"Freaky bunnies."

Please. There's an entire site dedicated to that.


As always, I want to personally thank the perverts, Internet newbies and people who just took a wrong turn at Google to get here. It means endless entertainment for yours truly and plenty of traffic that I probably shouldn't have gotten. Hooray internet!

Happy Friday guys!

How to Hide Heinous Roots

Spoiler alert here people! I'm not *actually* a natural blonde. I know, you're just blown away, right? I apologize for ruining your day.

Seriously though, old-timey readers know that I went blonde at the end of the summer last year because I got into my head that I could pull it off. After three hours in the hairstylist's chair I had scored the perfect shade and I've been overjoyed with the results. Know what I'm not overjoyed with?

The crazypants roots I get after a few weeks! I have freakishly thick, quick-growing hair, which means every couple of months I back, begging my hairdresser for more blonde. I figure I'll go back to dark hair this fall, but for summer, I'm keepin' it (not) real with the lighter color. I actually have an appointment on Friday, so you know it's getting bad.

So, that means I've had to become a prostar at hiding really bad roots until I can snag an appointment. One of the first things you want to avoid at all costs is giving your hair a hard part, like so:

K, you guys know I love you because I'm letting you see my really bad roots. Go ahead, make fun of me. I can take it. And by "take it" I mean "cry in my bed while eating ice cream and watching Sabrina."

But seriously, they look SO bad because my hair is slicked back into a pony. I might as well have made a sign that says "Hey, I'm busy and highlights cost a lot!"

Don't be like me.

Instead, how about these suggestions to get you through till hair day?

1) Tons of Texture

One way that I can usually hide roots is by using a ton of body and texture to trick the eye into thinking my hair is like, you know, done. Going with waves or curls makes the line between your real color and what you tell people your real color is by blurring the hard line of the roots. I just add product to wet hair and let it air dry or use a diffuser. Then I pretend like my diffuser is creature from outer space trying to attack my brains because sometimes I get bored while drying my hair.

2) Slick it Back

I love to have some sweepy bangage (which sounds kinda dirty) but when I have roots, I opt for something a little neater. I'll pull all of my hair back from the front hairline and do a messy bun. Then, I grab a thick cloth hair band and slide it right over the bad roots. You can then take your hair down for a totally cute vintage 70s look or leave it up, which always makes me look like I'm going to play volleyball, but whatevs. I'm not really because I'm a terrible volleyball player. TERRIBLE.

3) Ziz Zag Part

In highs chool, my brother learned the hard way that it's NOT OK to mess up the ziggy zaggy part a teenage girl spend three hours to create. But since we're not teenagers anymore, you shouldn't have to fear obnoxious 16 year olds messing up your hair. Unless it's your own kid. That's something I would totally do to my mom. (A reader pointed out that this originally said "do my mom" which is hilariously awkward/awesome. Oh Jae, when will you learn to proofread?)

Seriously, I love to torture her. Sometimes I like to bodycheck her into the wall when I pass her in the hallway. Is that mean?

I DIGRESS. A messy part can hide some seriously bad roots, so mix it up a little! Try parting your hair farther over than normal or go with a center part. Just let your hair fall wherever and you won't see them as badly. Or, grab a comb and seriously draw a zig zag going from the front of your hairline to your crown, then part. Done!

4) Eyeshadow

I know what you're thinking -- Jae's being drinkin' the crazy juice. But unless crazy juice is peach/mango Crystal Light, I assure you, I have not. Eyeshadow can be your BFF when your roots are showing. Seriously! I've totally done this and my secret is out. People who know me IRL, don't you DARE JUDGE ME.

Grab some eyeshadow close to the color of your dyed hair. I use a goldy color. Spray your hair with hairspray and quickly brush a little eyeshadow onto your roots while the spray is tacky. Hey, it's not going to work every time, but when you only have a half inch showing and you have family pictures, it's totally worth the quick fix.

SO, have I given you hope for the future? If all else fails, wear a hat. I've been wearing one nonstop this week because I know I'm *so close* to getting rid of my roots. Ahhh... hair salon feeling, you shall be mine!

What I Wore: Colored Skinnies

So did everyone see The Hunger Games? I thought it was innnnnsane. I'm waiting for my brother to get up so I can gab about it with him. Bah. So good.

Anyway, I declared this last weekend "The Weekend of the Skinnies!" Because I basically lived in them. I posted my yellow pants on the Facebook page -- I wore those on Thursday -- then I dragged out the red skinnies for the movie.

If you missed it, here's my yellow skinny outfit.

I hate camera phone pics but I was home alone so you'll have to deal.
Chambray: Papaya
Skinnies: Local boutique
Socks: Target
Boots: Frye
Necklace: Buckle
Crap on the floor: My bathrobe

Then here's my spin with the reds.

Top: Buckle and c/o mod bod
Blazer: f21
Pants: Same local boutique as the yellows
Wedges: Full Tilt YAYYYY wedge weather!
Earrings: Charlotte Russe

OMG, you guys, check out my hair. I did it as my homage to the movie.


I didn't want to do the whole Katniss braid but something along the same line. Easy peasy.

So I'm officially addicted to the colored skinnies, even if my hubby told me that the yellow ones made me look like Willy Wonka.

A super fashionable Willy Wonka, maybe.

I'll take it. This is coming from a man who once described his favorite color as "neutral."

Freaky Friday

Hey Friends!

I'd be totally lying if I said my entire day isn't revolving around The Hunger Games... my tickets are for 6pm, who else is going? Sorry, I can't do the whole midnight showing thing. I'm too old and I watched a thing on the news last night about people who dressed up for the movie. I wondered HOW on earth you could dress up for it, then I saw I couple. She was wearing fruit around her neck and he was wearing a game of Sorry around his neck. Together they were hunger....games.

I kind of hope they're celibate.

Anyway, did everyone see my yellow jeans yesterday? I'm kind of in love. Especially because if you're a long-time reader, you'll know that this was not my first pair of yellow pants. I had a vinyl pair back when I was 16 and was the complete height of fashion (kill me). I think my jeans are slightly better, but you can be the judge.

But, onward and upward. Let's finish FF so I can go play in my closet and obsess over what to wear tonight.



I definitely won't wear these shoes, since I'm not going to Target beforehand. Also, I feel like if you actually wore these in a Target, the universe would explode. (Thanks Bethany!)


Janelle was shopping last week and snapped this shot of a blazer made completely of human skin. It would be more realistic if it had hair.

OMG, have any of you seen the movie "Ravenous?" When I was younger I used to hang out with these guy friends who loved it and they made me watch it and I've never been more sick in my life. Seriously. It's about CANNIBALS.

I also now own it. I kind of want to wear this blazer and watch it. While eating KFC.


Stephanie sent me these shoes, which automatically made me think of how painful it would be if you kicked some guy in the crotch while wearing them. Weird, right? It's all those self defense classes they made us take in high school. Seriously. These are the new form of pepper spray.


Ami sent these along with the comment that it kind of look like crabs were crawling upward to the crotch area. What is the deal with uterus shapes on the pelvis, people. As long as you took 7th grade health class, you KNOW it's there. You also know that page 17 in the textbook has boobs.


Sara sent me these cat shoes because she knows I *love* when people wear animals on their feet. Other things I *love* sarcastically?
-Slow people in the mall.
-Lady Gaga
-Eating healthy food on the weekend.
-Dubstep
-Waking up because my son has tried to get to the potty in the night, but started peeing in front of the toilet before his pants were down. LOVE IT.
-When the Utah Jazz play back to back games and I have to sit through six hours of basketball.
-Jumpsuits.


You've heard of the maxi dress right? What about the maxi sweater? All I can picture is the smell of patchouli and a lot of waddling.


Speaking of JUMPSUITS! How about a droopy one that looks like it was knitted in your grandma's nursing home?

Also, what are these models doing to their ankles!? Is it weird I always notice that?


Hey, if you don't want to wear pants, that's totally fine. It's a free country. Just don't wear something labeled as "shorts" like they're legit. Hint: if you need to wax before you put them on, they're too short.


Oh, I have such a pure and abiding hatred for anything asymmetrical. Especially when it makes you have a fifth mystery limb.


OK, I know some of you had trouble getting on board with the bacon bra.... but how about a bacon scarf? I would leave it next to the griddle while making bacon so that I could carry around the scent of bacon wherever I went. Then people on the street would wanna smell my scarf too and it would be totally normal.

Plus I love the girl's expression in this pic. Like "Yep. It's a bacon scarf."

Alright, I'm off and running. I'm thinking red skinnies for the movie?