What I Wore: Under Control

My 4-year-old is probably what psycho-babble parenting experts call "high spirited." He has a ton of energy and typically enjoys pushing my buttons. Yesterday was one of those days that I may have contemplating selling him on the black market.

We were in church and it was supposed to be quiet and he did everything in his power to make noise. He started clapping the sides of a hymn book together and when I took it away he started clapping his hands while staring at me defiantly. He then found a truck in my purse and proceeded to shoot it 20 feet across the floor and into wall. After that, he fake yawned for five minutes and then break danced on the floor for a while. He finally celebrated the end of his debauchery by falling asleep on my husband's shoulder.

I was so exhausted that I was ready to throw in the towel, go home and watch a Four Weddings marathon. Buuuut I had blow dried my hair and was wearing a skirt and it seemed like a waste. I could at least look like I was in control, even if my child completely owns me. 

I mean, after all, this woman looks like she has control of her child, right?

Top: Local boutique (want!) (plus size) (this with a pencil skirt? I die.)

Blazer: Bluenotes - Canada (cheap!) (so cute)

Skirt: modbod 

Shoes: Charlotte Russe (love these) (similar)

Earrings: I'm pretty sure I bought them at a Marshall's and don't know the brand. But these are close.

Charm watch: (similar)

I'm of the "fake it till you make it" variety. It's also how I help my kid look like he's a nice, normal boy when he might actually be the devil.

And don't worry about me saying that my child is the devil on the Internet. I tell him to his face as well so all bases are covered. 

 Yup... I have this kid under control. For the five seconds it took to take this picture.

Freaky Friday: Crimes Against Cleavage

 I'm actually kind of glad that Boob Week is over. I've looked for so many boob-related pictures that I'm probably going to be flagged as a sex offender by the government. It's all for you, guys!

Of course, I couldn't close out the week without some serious boob offenses -- crimes against cleavage, if you will. Luckily, some of your favorite celebs are on hand to show you what NOT to do with your lovely lady lumps.

 Don't go unsupported, ESPECIALLY in this form-fitting of a skirt and ESPECIALLY if you're at the Oscars. Your boobs should never look this depressed.

 Now, I love me some Joan, but even if you have this much of a heaving pirate fantasy bosom, you don't need to push them up so high. You need to breathe.

I literally NEVER want to see the underside of anyone's boob. Ever. 

 That goes for you too, Kate Upton. You have a killer bod, but I see this picture and all I can think is "I bet her back was sore by the end of the night."

 Don't do this flat pancake thing either. It looks like it hurts. And also makes me want pancakes.

 Sometimes I feel like I do when I have to yell something obvious and weird at my kids, like "NO You can not dip your sister's Barbie in the toilet!" I feel like I shouldn't have to say "No you should not dress your boobs up as mouse ears in the world's most unflattering costume," but alas.

And while you should be OK with smallish boobs, let's not pretend they're completely nonexistent. Especially if you're going to WIN that night and immortalize your lack of a chest for.ev.er.


And so our week comes to a close. Verdict? Do we want more themed weeks, like shoe week, work week or "I obviously have a deep seated hatred for Gwyneth Paltrow" week? Let me know. Otherwise, I hope you have a happygoodboob kind of weekend.

Boob Week: Adventures in Bra Shopping

Fun fact: I had more hits on small boob day than on big boob day. Does that mean that most of my readers have small boobs? Questions of the universe...

Anyway, this post isn't about bra advice, because I've already done that here. It's more about the surviving of the actual bra shopping. I am pretty picky with bras because hello, you wear them every day. I'm also picky because I HATE bra shopping. I feel so inept and dumb and frumpy when compared to the sleek girls who always work a lingerie shops and always know way more than me. I've gotten more comfortable over the years, but I still totally procrastinate getting a new bra. Here are some things that make it less vomit-inducing for yours truly.

• Wear a bra. Just do it. When you don't, you make Tina Fey uncomfortable.
• Dress appropriately, especially if you'll be getting measured. You'll be measured over your bra and if you're wearing a huge padded bra, your measurements are going to be skewed. I suggest wearing a thin T-shirt bra. If you're nervous about disrobing in front of a complete stranger, you have two options. 1) Wear a thin T-shirt over your bra and ask the lady to measure over top or 2) Measure yourself at home. Here's how. 
• Measure often. I would say every 6 to 12 months. Your boob size totally fluctuates with weight, skin sag (that's gross to say), pregnancy and age. You are not the same size you were in high school so stop buying your bras that way. 
• Go alone. Bra shopping is not when you want to be wrangling kids in the fitting room or locating your son as he feels up a mannequin (I have a brother who did this as a kid). You'll need some time, so pawn the kids off on your husband. 
• If you have less boobage, you don't have to be as choosy as to where you buy your bra. Most lingerie and department stores will have your size. If you have larger boobs, I would say to head to a department store where there are more than just one brand of bra. That way, you can try on a variety and choose one that fits you rather than being stuck with just one brand and fit. 
• Do the test. When you're trying on a bra, lean forward and see how it looks. If your boobs are totally spilling over like a 1890s barmaid, you may need to go up a side. If your boobs aren't filling the cup at all, you may need to go down a size.You want a nice cleavage bump and that's it.
• Put a shirt on over top of the bra when trying on. You should check to see if any of the bra parts - ie, lace - are visible through the shirt. 
• Buy different bras for different purposes. I have everyday molded bras, going out pushup bras, convertible bras and T-shirt bras. One bra might not cut it for all of the different clothes you wear. 
• Don't over-buy your bra. If you have small boobs, you don't need all the bells and whistles of someone who needs more support. In fact, I am constantly taking underwires out of bras and swimsuits because I don't need 'em. If a salesgirl tries to sell you on breathable mesh and spaceage design, give her the stinkeye and ask for something more basic. 
• Be prepared to shell out. Bras are expensive and it's a bummer, but you're going to be wearing it A LOT. Budget for it. Especially if your bras are typically hard to fit.
• Check your back. A good bra band should be tight enough that it supports you and wide enough so that you don't get back fat. If your back looks kind of sausage-y, you need yo go up in band size. It should feel smooth and supportive. 
• Move around. I've found many a slippy shoulder strap by rolling my shoulders and moving around in a bra to see if I can detect any problems before I buy.
• Stop worrying about your boobs in general. I get it. The bra fitting room is weird. You're forced to look at yourself in harsh lighting and you're intimidated by the lady who keeps flinging other bras over the top of the door at you. But big boobs, small boobs, lopsided boobs, ski-slope boobs -- the point of a good bra is to make them look their best.
• Know that this is not normal. Not only do normal people not look like this when trying on bras, but I have never once just casually hung out with my friends in our bras and undies while taking seductive pictures. Don't compare yourself to the images in the store and feel frustrated when a bra doesn't magically give you huge boobs, better abs and equally hot friends.

 When I was like, 13, I was sitting in my room listening to music when my mom flung a padded bra at me and closed the door and I realized that she was trying to tell me something THANKS MOM. Hopefully your first bra experience was better than mine. And hopefully your next bra experience is less traumatizing. I just bought some, so I'm pretty much golden until like, 2015.

Boob Week: For Big-Chested Girls

OK, those of the big boob variety -- it's your time to shine. I know it kind of seems like  a history professor teaching a science class because I haven't been as blessed as you, but I did get to experience the glory of big boobs with my pregnancies and nursing. And boy was it fun. PS my friends and I just saw Austenland yesterday and now I have a burning desire to use the word "bosom" throughout this post.

But I digress.

But still, here's why it's awesome to have a big bosom tee hee:
1. You have big boobs.
2. No one ever wonders if you're a guy or a girl, even if you have an androgynous name like Alex. I had a waiter like that once.
3. You always have a place to rest snacks.
4. Joan from Mad Men. I girl crush on her so hard.

I totally get where big boobs can be annoying. You end up with guys constantly looking down your shirt when all you really want is a good back massage because those suckers HURT. For me, dressing big knockers isn't about shamefully hiding them, but dressing so that a) people look at your face (I'm not even gonna lie, when boobs are out I don't know where to look) and b) you create the best shape possible for your bod. 

Here's some tips.

• Define. A. Waist. Big boobs can make you look heavier than you really are when you wear baggy clothes. Shirts that have bubble hems, square hems and the like probably aren't for you. You need more structure so use a belt or buy tops with distinct parts for the bodice and bottom.
• Accessorize with skinnier scarves. I have a friend with waaay more boobage than me (Hi, T!) and she was complaining that big scarves like I wear make her feel like there is A LOT of volume. A skinny scarf will allow you to accessorize without feeling like you're suffocating to death. 
• When choosing necklines, your best bet are scoop and v-necks. They'll help to define your shape and slim you out a bit. Steer clear of sweetheart necklines unless you're Dolly Parton. And definitely avoid anything with a high neck. I'm looking at you, big-boobs in a turtleneck.
• Watch out for skinny straps. Now listen, I don't really like tank tops on anyone over the age of 17. And the skinnier the strap, the bigger EVERYTHING else looks. If you must wear a strap (and seriously, I think there are a bazillion other sleeve lengths more flattering ) look for something that is thicker. It'll give you more support and not show off this huge expanse of skin.
• Go for tailored styles whenever possible. A blazer? Perfect because it gives you a more defined shape. Even if you like  a more boho look, layering a more structured cardi over a loosey goosey shirt will help counteract the unstructured style.
• Make friends with a tailor. I don't have big boobs, but I do have hips that are much larger than my waist. Buying pants a size up and tailoring them back is the only way to get the right fit. With you, it'll be tops -- structured blazers and tailored shirts may need to be purchased a size bigger. For $15 you can have some darts put in so it fits perfectly. 
• Skip anything described as "chunky." Like necklaces and sweaters. They'll only emphasize size.
• Look for tops and dresses with stretch. Stiff fabrics create serious uniboob. 

More inspiration pour vous. 

Jane Norman top, $35 / Mango shirt / Linea elbow sleeve top, $24 / Merona cardigan / Wallis top / Open front cardigan / Boyfriend jacket / Xhilaration Juniors Cinch Waist Sheer Top Assorted Colors

Look: Your boobs are hard on your back, but they are glorious to behold. Dress 'em so that you completely use them at their fullest advantage without like, scarring a small child for life.

Next up, it's all about bras. Check back for some bra shopping tips and that time a girl awkwardly gave me a coupon for free undies in a Victoria's Secret.

Boob Week: Small-Chested Girls

As promised, it's Boob Week here at How Not to Dress Like a Mom, which means we're going to be talking about workin' with what you've got, making your girls look amazing and saying the word "boob" a lot. Sorry, I just can bring myself to say "breast" without trilling the 'r'. Brrrrrreast!

Anyway, we're going to kick things off by talking about little boobs. Yes, I'm talking to you, A and B cups. I am right there with you.

Here's why it's awesome to have small boobs:
1. Clothes fit well.
2. You can wear button-ups without your bra peeking out to say hello.
3. They don't punch you in the face while you run.
4. You can buy cheap bras and it's OK.
5. Buying swimsuits to fit your ladies is easy.

Let's just get one thing straight. While I might suggest ways to flatter small boobs, I think it's important that there is NOTHING wrong with them. You do not need to be Kate Upton to feel feminine and awesome, b'okay? I actually think that having a smaller chest is nice because it's kind of a blank canvas. I can get away with dressing really girly or dressing more androgynous-like. So, these are suggestions for creating a more balanced silhouette, but let's not down-talk the boobs. Ask your husband. He thinks they're great.

Tips for dressing small boobs:

• Look for volume around the chest. I love swimsuits that have frills and gathering around the chest because it makes the ladies a little more shapely. The same goes for shirts -- gathers, embellishment and draping are all your friends. 
• Trick the eye into thinking you have a girlier figure by nipping in at the waist. Peplum tops are great for this, as are wrap tops (I LOVE wrap tops) 
• When wearing dresses, look for frills, pleating and other interesting details. A straight sheath will do you no favors. 
• Belt stuff! It'll define a waist and give you more of an hourglass shape. 
• Patterns are awesome for you. Even horizontal stripes, you lucky dog.
• Take some risks. Because you have small boobs, you can get away with unbuttoning your skirt, wearing a keyhole top or going for a deeper-v because your cleavage won't cause old ladies to tug at their pearls and say "Well I never!"
• Sweetheart necklines are ah-mazing for small boobs. See also: Why I immediately buy anything with a sweetheart neckline. 
• Layer up! Because you're more -- uh, streamlined -- in the torso, you can wear drapey cardigans and jackets and scarves and add a ton of interest to your outfit without any bulk. 
• Chunky necklaces - yes. 

Need some ideas? OK! For more inspiration, you can look at literally any of my outfit pictures because we are kindred spirits.

Dorothy Perkins collarless shirt / Merona layered cardigan / Minuet Petite bright blue shirt, $31 / Dorothy Perkins cap sleeve shirt / H&M shirt, $24 / Fenn Wright Manson top, $40 / Shirts blouse
 

Count yourselves lucky, small-boobed ladies. You get to try a lot of new trends and don't wear a v-neck and feel indecent. It's awesome.

Big boobed ladies? You're up next! Check back tomorrow.

What I Wore: Shopaholic

Last week, my husband casually made the comment that I hadn't gone shopping in a while. And I really hadn't. Aside from a few purchases here and there, I tend to spend less in the summer because you can only buy x amount of T-shirts before you're sick of everything in the store, amiright? But for some reason, his comment awoke a sleeping beast inside of me. It was old Jae, saying "He's right – you haven't been shopping in a while. He is telling you to go shopping. You should go. Right now."

I'm not even gonna lie – I literally spent the last three days on a hardcore shopping bender and I took prisoners. I dragged my family from store to store on Friday and Saturday and then shopped online Saturday night. In total, my purchases included (but are not limited to):

A cocktail dress (yeah WTH)
A pair of moccasins (My old ones were trashed – like, literally in a garbage can – in Hawaii so I needed them)
Like, 3 chiffon shirts. One of which was leopard (kind of like this one) because I am nothing if not completely predictable.
A pair of olive skinny cargo pants
A graphic tee that I wore with linen pants to the dollar theater on Saturday night like a shlub.
Basically anything I saw that had a leather accent, including a scuba-style top and a cardigan.
Tortoiseshell glasses. Like, to see with. My old glasses were scratched and I can't travel with just contacts, right? RIGHT!?
A boss chambray shirt with a U.S. flag design which I shall wear ironically because I'm not American.
2 tank tops.
2 bras (because you really needed to know)
(I almost bought another jacket, but my husband finally but  the kibosh on it and dragged me out of the store. I have two jackets with the tags still on at home, so I guess he was justified).

And lest you think that I'm a selfish sonofagun, I shopped for my family too. Like, I was in the zone, guys.

This morning I woke up and have had to deal with the damage ie: checking my bank account balance, cleaning up various price tags scattered around the house. But you'll also get to see new outfits! So um, yay for you! Because that's who I did it for.

Also, if I try to go shopping before like, Black Friday, feel free punch me directly in the face. 

On to the outfit!

Remember my rule? If I can't think up three outfits to make with a piece on the spot, I don't buy something. And for full disclosure here, I haaaated this shirt when I first saw it. The pattern was very Bill Cosby / that guy from Reading Rainbow on the hanger. But I gave it a chance and it's turned out to be super cute and versatile one.

So there's another gem for you – try stuff on, people!

Top: Local boutique (aztec design) (love this color) (similar)

Jeans: Abercrombie and Fitch 'Emma' (really old)

Boots: Frye (here) (cheaper)

Wrap watch: Local craft fair (similar) (obsessed)

Pinky rings: F21 (here) (love these too)

Yup, it's finally boot season around here, so get ready to see them A LOT. Anyway, I'm super excited to show you guys the rest of my haul in the next few weeks.

Also, stay tuned for the next couple of days, because as promised, it's BOOB WEEK! Small boobs, big boobs, bras – we got 'em all. So hitch up your girls and check back tomorrow. 

And I promise I will not shop between now and then.

Freaky Friday: Fun with Keywords

For those of you new to the bah-log, Fun with Keywords is when I comb through my site analytics to find the search queries people use to get to my website. And, because I'm a nice person, I try to fulfill as many of these requests as possible. 

Here's some of the latest and greatest from my StatCounter.

"velvet bodysuit"

Oh, hey Donna Martin, glad to see you finally go Internet service in the 90210. I can only assume that Donna Martin is the only one searching this, because she's proooobably the last person past 1991 who actually wanted  a velvet bodysuit.

Don't look so smug.

"Sexy unicorn guy"

Once, my brother thought it would be reaaaaaally funny to post this picture as my Facebook profile picture:



It was. It was funny. But ever since then, sexual deviants have been searching for the same picture on my blog. THERE ARE YOU HAPPY?

"redneck driving gloves"

This is kind of out of my demographic, so here's the best I have.

They're waterproof!!


"cheeseburger crotch"

Seriously guys?







I hate my life.


"Canadian flag lingerie"

Oh, didn't you know? Canadians don't wear lingerie. We sleep in parkas in our igloos with pet mooses. Meese. Whatever.

...or this.



Also, I'm headed to Canada in two weeks and I am suuuuuper excited to get all the food in my belly. PIE EATING CONTEST!

"reasons to wear a dress"

OK, here goes:
1. They're pretty.
2. They make you feel girly.
3. You can wear them every day.
4. When you overeat pie in Canada, they hide the results.
 

"dressing like a raccoon" 



 
 ... end scene.

Happy Friday friends!

Fashion Week Trends for Normal People (Spring 2014)

I will fully admit that I have only a passing interest in Fashion Week. Because most of the time, it's one giant pat on the back for fashion and one giant eye roll from yours truly. I kid you not, I was paging through FW pics last week and saw no fewer than four men wearing backwards jackets. And I was like, where have I seen that before?

Date Night! Steve Carell, marry me. Tina Fey, be my Sister Wife.

Anyway, while I'm pretty much over hearing about FW on EVERY blog EVER, I do think it's worth it to take a look at some of the trends. Because you'll start seeing these in stores and then you're going to be like "What am I supposed to do with this?" and I want you to then be like "Oh yeah, Jae already told me."

We're friends.

Anyway, here's some of the stuff I picked up on while looking at pictures of men wearing backwards suit jackets.

1. Lavender

Rare London cream lace dress, $38 / Aéropostale slim fit denim jacket / Hue navy blue tight / Strap boots, $48 / Wet Seal imitation purse / GUESS necklace

Step off, cobalt. There's a new color in town. Lavender is kind of a big deal. And while it's traditionally a spring-y color (duh Spring Fashion Week) you can still pull it off in fall. I'm kind of obsessed with lavender with navy, so I love transitioning the color with some tights and a jean jacket. You could totally wear this to like, to an adorable baby shower or whatnot. PS how mad is Fashion Week that I totally mom-ify all of the trends with normal people activities? Answer: very mad.

2. Slits

Pointelle cardigan, $46 / Boohoo skirt / Qupid tall riding boots / Canvas handbag / Black stone earrings

OK, so the majority of slits for FW were like, up to the navel on leggy models, but that doesn't mean it's completely off-limits to mere mortals like you and me. A maxi skirt with a just-above-knee high slit totally works. Just remember that if you're showing some skin, the rest of your outfit should be covered up, lest I think you're a boozy boylover. Also, it's a fun way to show off super cute boots, but still be semi-warm (OMG today is downright chilly and I LOVE IT).

3. Draping

Topshop top, $29 / Mango dark blue denim jeans / Minnetonka moccasin / Mossimo crossbody cell phone purse / Watch / FOSSIL disc stud earrings / Monsoon scarve

Oh, look who just made the lavender thing come full circle. Yes, it was me! Draping give regular shirts some interest, which means you can totally dress down without a hundred layers. And, in the spirit of telling you guys everything, I will admit I bought this draped dress while prepping this post. A style blog for a shopaholic is a bad combo. Anyway, draping, wraps and whatnot are hyper-flattering and super easy to wear, especially if you want to camouflage some extra weight. This on your next girls' lunch? Perf.

4.Graphic Prints

Quilted faux leather jacket / River Island reversible skirt, $40 / Charlotte Russe pumps / River Island clutch, $40 / Maria Francesca Pepe earrings, $48

Let's be honest, when are graphic prints NOT a trend a FW? But yes, they are back again. Baroque was in like, a season or two ago, but this type of pattern is a little more zoomed-in and Aztec-y, because that's totally a fashion term. I love the jewel tone of this skirt and worn with a moto jacket (also very big for fall) it's like, hot date night material.

5. Non-Average White Button-Ups

Lord & Taylor button up collared shirt / Uniqlo jeans / Charlotte Russe flat / Kate Spade bow earrings / Warehouse bracelet ring, $13

Or is it button-down I NEVER KNOW. Anyway, I love this because roughly 70 percent of my wardrobe is made up of button-ups. My body was made for them -- my lifestyle is not. So I love to see a button-up that is toned-down enough for casual wear. This tuxedo style makes me say squee. Yes, squee. And how cute with colored skinnies and patterned flats? Totally appropriate for casual wear and you could also get away with it in a casual office setting too, so score!


So there's my deciphering skills at work. It's fun reporting on FW when I'm sipping on Crystal Light and wearing workout clothes like a boss (I promise I'm actually wearing them to work out). As always, let's just take a moment to remember that it's *only* fashion. Update your wardrobe on the stuff you love, pass on the stuff that's not for you and let's all move along.

Aaaand We're Back

I swear this is a style blog IswearIswearIswear. I have some awesome posts coming up, which may include outfits for girls with no boobs, outfits for girls who have a lot of boobage (next week is boob week and I am very excited for the search queries I'll get for saying boob so much on my blog. Boob boob boob), fashion week trends and leather jacket eye candy. So stay tuned.

But for now, I just got back from Lake Powell last night, have a wicked case of vertigo and need to do a pic dump before we get back to our regular scheduled programming. Good? Good.

We headed down south last Wednesday and have spend the last 6-odd days in the sun and on our boat. When we bought it a few years ago, my main prerogative was watersports. So we loaded up the tube and my prized wakeboard and seriously did not get out of the water the entire time we were down there.

And, in personal victory news, I went down with the express goal of jumping the wake on my board. It was like my unicorn. It HAD to be done or I would be shamed forever. Finally, on our last morning there, literally 30 minutes before we left I did it! After a million really bad spills I finally got over that wake, rode it for a few minutes and then faceplanted violently into the water. It. Was. Awesome.

Here's some pics of the vaycay. I promise it's my last (until I go to Canada for Thanksgiving in three weeks shhh don't speak)

 "Andrew, make a crazy face." Epic. 

 Naps on the boat are far superior to naps anywhere else. 

 Uhhh. We may have gotten a bit ambitious with the snorkeling after our Maui trip. All you'll see at LP is some carp and that flag I accidentally dropped in the water.

 The rainbow coverup makes an appearance! Any by appearance I mean it was permanently glued to my body all week.

 We checked out some caves and what not. That is not a toy boat. It's a ginormous cave.

 Here's where you'll find me at LP. Testing my mad skills while my husband yells "STOP TRYING TO JUMP THE WAKE!"and circles around to get me after I crash.

Can I also point out that this HAS to be the best workout of all time. Every morning I woke up so sore I could barely walk. That has to be either a sign of a good workout or a sign that I'm not very good at wakeboarding. Either way.

 This kid loves a selfie. He took 40. They all looked like this. 

Wearing a rashguard a) automatically makes you feel like you're hardcore b) stops sunburns and c) looks cute. Winwinwin. 

PS I still got a sunburn. You should see my awesome raccoon eyes. Thank goodness for BB cream.

OK. That's done. Seriously, I'll be around more often -- even when I'm in Canada. So check back tomorrow for some fashion week trends and notes on how I'd like everyone to stop pretending that Birkenstocks are high fashion, and then next week is BOOB WEEK OH YEAH. 

What I Wore: Outtakes

 You guys, I've totally sucked at blogging the past couple of weeks and it's not going to get much better until next week. We are headed out for a little end-of-summer vacation tomorrow so I'm busy getting things together/cleaning our boat/wanting to die. Yesterday I miiiiight have been home for all of 15 minutes, but today I have dedicated to the cleaning of my house, so I had a chance to nip in and post a late outfit. I feel so accomplished!


Anyway, whenever I take pictures and my whole family is around, I get three people yelling directions at me. The result is a lot of awful pictures.

Don't let this lovely picture fool you.

 Top: Paper Doll (similar) (plus size) (so cute!)

Skirt: Local boutique (plus + pencil i die!) (ignore the awful styling - the skirt is cute)

Shoes: American Eagle (awesome basic)

Earrings (F21)

 Aaaaand then my kids are like "Mom! Do this with your hand" and my husband takes pictures before I'm ready and everything else in the file looks like this.

And then my son gets dressed up as Batman/Handy Manny and also wants his picture taken.


It's kind of a process. They are far more invested in this blog than I am. Some people have editors and publicists, but I think I'll stick with my tiny fashion director and amateur photographers thanks.

Anyway, I'm off to clean and do generally unpleasant things for the rest of the day. Boooo.

Freaky Friday: Mathematics

Sarah and Co. sent me a Freaky Friday submission that just put me on a tangent. A tangent of "upcycling." You know, like instead of buying new clothes, you make something nicer with your old clothes. Now, I've seen upcycling done well. Not often, but it's happened.

Unfortunately, most upcycling results in marrying two different pieces of clothing into a Frankenstein. A Frankenstein of pants and sweaters. Here are some prime examples of what happens when you add two types of clothing together to create a creepy little monster baby.

 Here's the one that started it all! (Thanks Sarah!)

So, basically: Crocheting + Mountain Dew cans = a bucket hat that is cozy AND has really sharp edges and burns your scalp in the sun.

 Socks + arms = A really poorly thought-out purchase.

Sleeves. Look into 'em.

 The crotch of your favorite pants + that old sweater that you've had ever since you broke up with that guy and he never came and picked it up = ultimate Erkel jeans.

Dude never could pull his pants up to his throat.

 Perfectly good shoes + your kid's Lego set = finally a way to stop stepping on all of those motherfreakin' Legos around the house.

Also a good punishment that you can rub in your child's face repeatedly: "I TOLD you that if you didn't clean up I would hot glue your blocks to my shoes DIDN'T I?"

 The world's most depressing sweater + a stethoscope and/or fallopian tubes = probably a really interesting episode of "Grey's Anatomy."

 A really cheap chain + old keyboard keys = journalist pimp.

Your husband's tie + a pair of his slacks = Your fly is down but I can see a boob and now I'm questioning my sexuality.


How about in the future, we just stick to one type of clothing? Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to glue some of my son's Lightning McQueens to a leather jacket. 

Yup...

...I bought them

And after an hour-long kickboxing class, I can declare that they are glorious.

And also that I need an entirely new workout wardrobe.

3 Tips for Buying New Workout Shoes

Okay, I know this isn't a fitness blog, but since I'm currently in the throes of finding new workout shoes that are awesome for you know, fitness and still cute, I thought I'd clue you in. I love the workout shoes I have now, but I can tell they're starting to wear and it's time to kick them to "strictly wear with yoga pants to the grocery store at 11 pm status."

In the meantime, I do have some tips for picking a pair of workout shoes -- both for function and because I'm really vain and like my workout shoes to match my clothes and look pretty. Also, can I point out that while swimsuit season is technically over, working out now shifts from looking good in swimwear to looking good while still consuming copious amounts of fall food, like pie and pumpkin muffins. Ohhh I cannot wait.

Ahem. Moving on.

1. Choose specifically for the sport/fitness you do.


There's actually a pretty huge difference between say, a basketball shoe and a running shoe. Shoes made for specific sports or types of fitness have different features, like supportive sides for lateral movements or light soles for faster feet. Because I vary in my workouts, I look for a good, all-around cross-trainer with light soles and mid to medium side support. Whatever your workout du jour, there's probably a shoe for it -- there's even a line of Reebok Crossfit shoes for those of you working on your WOD every morning. Also, if one of your sports or fitness is running, you'll need a completely different shoe -- don't try to run like, 13 miles in your cross-trainers or weight training shoes.

2. Try them on.



This might sound like "duh," but if you see a really good deal on fitness shoes online, beware. Workout shoes are on your feet for long periods of time and through tons of movement. The last thing you want is a hurt-y tag or lace to drive you insane when you should be focusing on burpees. I only buy online if it's a model I've already worn. Otherwise, it's a gamble -- some fitness shoes fit more snugly, some might have varying levels of arch support -- just trust me and head to a store and actually try some on before you check the Internet for deals.

3. Make it fun.

 My personal motto for workout gear is that the cuter it is, the more likely I am to work out. I know it's completely shallow, but nothing motivates me quite like some new leggings, adorable workout shoes and a new tank top. In the last two or so years, fitness shoes have gone from evil necessity to freakin' awesome accessory. Like, wearable outside of the gym and I love it. Neon is still pretty big right now, as is patterns on your shoes. So make fitness shoe shopping as much fun as shopping for heels and you might have more motivation to actually wear them.

(Not going to lie, I'm leaning heavily to the leopard ones)

Anyway, thought it might help if I Shared my process with you. I love shoe shopping, no matter what type of shoe it is. Now, help a girl out -- do you have a fave cross-trainer that I should check out?