Freaky Friday

Hi guys! I am so glad it's finally Friday. I got my hair done yesterday and I'm so excited to show it because it is super cute, but it;ll have to wait till tonight. I'm going to a benefit and get to wear a hot dress so I'll take a pic and you can get the full effect because I'm super vain like that.

I also waxed my eyebrows. It's amazing.

ANYWAY, a bunch of today's pictures were submitted by my super hilarious sister-in-law, Sheriece. She has a knack for finding bad fashion, sending it to me as a .zip file and feeling satisfied.




Honestly, these look like they were made by the Swiss Family Robinson. Like, we're stranded on an island! Quick, fashion some shoes 0ut the sails and my belt! Don't forget a fashionable peeptoe!



Ugh, is there anything worse than drawstrings on shoes? What? You can't tie or buckle? LAZY.



You know it's cold when even your boots need to wear a sweater amiright? AHAHAHAH kill me.


Yes. A gold bubble jacket. For those night that you want to be understated.


I love when Paul Bunyan releases a new line.


The wording on this shirt makes me laugh. First of all, it is the droopiest, most unflattering tank OF LIFE. Then, it's talking about fashion in the 90s. Do I NEED to remind everyone what fashion in the 90s was like??



So... much.....acid wash.....and frontbums....


I can't decide whether this is a shirt or a cape. I think it would be cool if it were a cape for a superhero called "Fat Day!"


Elizabeth experiences that sickening moment when you realize your shirt is on backward... and you've already done your hair.



Hyuk, hyuk! It's Goofy! Say, has anyone seen my spare hat?


Oh! There it is! On a pensive model, no less.

I've been watching WAY too much Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

Welp, I'm off to finish my work so I can spend the rest of the day preening. I miss those days when I was a teenager and "getting ready" with my friends was more of an event than actually going out. These days I spend an hour trying to keep my kids entertained with Diego long enough that I can sneak in a shower and attempt to dry my hair.

Also, my son keeps stealing my makeup brushes. Should I be worried? I should mention that he usually eats them.

Beauty 101: Makeup Brushes

So let's have a little skills meeting today, shall we? Let's talk makeup brushes. I know, it's like seriously, she's going to do an entire post on makeup brushes oh honey, no. But the right brushes make the difference between flawless makeup and looking like you got into your mommy's makeup bag. Just trust me on this one.

The first step to getting to know makeup brushes better is go directly to your bathroom or vanity or wherever the heck you do your makeup, fish out any applicators that have come with your makeup and THROW THEM IN THE GARBAGE. Whoops, I just got a little violent there. But still, obey.

Good makeup brushes will give you much more natural look over the spongey things that they include in eyeshadow palettes. I can always tell when someone has been using those archaic applicators by the harsh line over the eye or stripey blush. Sad.

If you're new to makeup or a beginner, buy a set of brushes altogether and save yourself some confusion. I'm obsessed with Sonia Kashuk brushes, which you can buy at Target (yay, target!) but I've also loved the E.L.F. studio line of brushes and Bare Escentuals. Either way, buying them as a kit can take some of the questions away from what you need exactly. If you already have a few brushes, it may be time to add to your list. Here are my top five essentials for a prettier face.

Kabuki Brush

The kabuki brush is short and stout, with rounded, soft bristles. It's perfect for large areas of smooth and even coverage. I use mine for mineral makeup, but they can also work for applying bronzer. And as an added bonus, they are just so darn cute.


Blush Brush

K, so this is where the skinny little inadequate brush that comes with your blush should be thrown out. It will result in really terrible and stripey makeup and I WILL judge you. Look instead for a puffy brush for moderate coverage. I apply both bronzer and blush with a puffy brush (but not the same one, that's mixing, ew.) To apply bronzer, draw an imaginary number three, starting at your forehead, swiping across the cheeks and down to the chin. Then dab a little blush right on the apples of your cheeks. Yay!


Fan Brush

Now, this fan brush looks weird and ineffective, but it is THE BEST for applying highlighter. If you put on too much highlighter, you're definitely going to look like you're in the movie Burlesque. And that got TERRIBLE reviews, so.... anyway. Use a fan brush to add a teensy bit of highlighter at the top of your cheekbones and under your browbones. Beaut.


Eyeshadow Brush

K, so this is my fave little trick in my makeup bag. Eyeshadow brushes make applying eyeshadow SO EASY that you cannot fail. Since it disperses color evenly without being splotchy, you won't get the scary clown affect that can happen with sponge applicators. Also, I can get away with wearing brighter colors because the brush makes the pigments less condensed. Buy immediately.

Eyeliner Brush

Here's another trick that I use. Have you ever put on WAY too much eyeliner and looked like a depressed emo vampire? Of course you have. When that happens to me, I wet my angled eyeliner brush and use it to brush out the eyeliner so it looks more like eyeshadow. I also use it to clean up wayward liquid liner, because that stuff is tricky. You can also use it to apply darker shadow to your creases to attain the ever-elusive smoky eye.

Another tip is to make sure that you clean your brushes every two weeks or so. Otherwise they could get germy and bacteria-y and gross. I just suds mine up with hand soap, rinse them and leave them on a towel to dry overnight. They'll be ask good as new come morning.

Is any of this making sense?

Morning Exercise...Is it Better??

Does working out in the morning give you better results? Although exercising at any time of day can bring many benefits, resent research has shown that exercising in the morning can give you an extra push.

One of the first things you may notice is that working out during the day may help you sleep better. Many people find that if they work out at night or too close to their bed time they actually have trouble sleeping. Getting a good nights sleep is definitely important to achieving any weight loss goals so a good sleep is a priority.

Another bonus to working out in the morning is that you increase you metabolism first thing and it will stay elevated for a good part of the day. Many people find it clears their minds and helps them get and stay focused for their busy day ahead.

Even with the best intentions to always get your workouts in, sometimes "stuff" just happens. Kids need to have help with something or need to be somewhere, something comes up at work and you need to stay late or you are just exhausted from a very busy day. The benefit of getting up early is that there is nothing to get in your way.

Exercising first thing gets the blood flowing through the body. This can definitely help you get some mental clarity and help you get all fired up for your work day. Whether you need to be ready for a big meeting or ready for a play date at the park, being "on" and ready you will be.

Being regular with your early morning exercise routine can be no easy task. But by being creative and consistent you can get results and be happy.

Tips for Great Early Morning Workouts

-Nothing beats a great run while the sun comes up. It's quiet, beautiful and you feel like you are all alone, just you and the world.
-Leave your car at home. Try going to work if it is a reasonable distance by bike, roller blades, or even running. Keep an extra change of clothes there so on the days you decide do this you are ready.
-Try something new. If you have never tried canoeing or kayaking or bike riding, give something new a go. You may even find something fun for the whole family.

Committed to your fitness success,

Kelly Parker
www.fitmommakeover.net

Freaky Friday: Fun With Keywords

Today's Freaky Friday is late because it's my daughter's 5th birthday party and I'm gearing up for the invasion of 12 kids. I'm bolting down breakables, duct taping things to the wall... you know, the usual stuff. But I have a few seconds of downtime, so I think it's time to go through my keywords!

If you've never experience a "Fun With Keywords" post before, it's when I look through my site statistics to find out what people are searching in order to find my site. Since I talk about everything from Full House to uterus pillows, I get a lot of weird ones.


Here we go!

--"Winking oil sexy body"

Sweet mother of mercy, get a girlfriend. Also, I want to know how surprised this guy was when he searched what amounts to Victoria's Secret and ended up here, a website for MOMS. I guess, if you're into that kind of thing...

Awkward.

--"Man coin slot."

What? Why?

--"What does a mom look like?"

Here you go!

'
That should be in the Mullet Hall of Fame. You work it, Carol!

--"Faux fur reindeer shrug."

Um, WTH? Who wears reindeer? And how do you explain that to your kid. You know what would be funny? Putting a blinking red nose on your reindeer shrug. Just for kicks.

--"Obnoxious wedding dress."

OMG you guys, how obsessed am I with wedding shoes? The answer is: very obsessed. I watch an average of 300 "Say Yes to the Dress" episodes PER DAY. And nothing annoys me more then girls who describe their ultimate wedding look to be like a PRINCESS.

But.... you're not a princess.

So I'm basically against any dress that is larger than a Mini Cooper. You'll just be bumping into people all night. THAT'S obnoxious.


Ew.

--"Desperate need to pee/"

WHO takes the time to head to google to type this in? JUST GO! I have nothing more to say to you.

--"Sexy phantom costume."

I hate you for making me do this.

Just so you know, every time you search "SEXY" in front of any costume idea, Hitler eats a baby seal.


--"Lady Gaga dressed normally."





*crickets*




riiiiiiight.

Also, with my awesome typing skills, I first typed her name out as "Lad Gag." Hilarious.

Thanks to the freaks who actually search this stuff. I love logging into StatCounter to see what you crazy kids will come up with next.

Now, I'm off to gird my loins for a child party invasion. Wish me luck.

Upping the Ante for Spring Shopping

Now is about the time every year that I get stuck in a rut, fashion-wise. Something about the doom and gloom weather and the craziness of my kids makes me want to hide in my room wearing my husband's sweatpants and that free shirt I got from work. This is when I have to work the hardest to put myself together and get going! Since I have a strict "no staying at home all day rule" it means I usually have to, at the very least, put on pants. So it's time to try a few new things.

I have to admit, I get annoyed when I hear someone say, "I couldn't pull that off," after viewing a style or trend. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? I contest that there's always some element of style that you can incorporate into your current wardrobe so that it looks up to day without you looking like a trend whore.

By taking your cues from a handful of trends, it's a good way to add new pieces to your wardrobe without spending a ton of cash while making things look new and different. Observe:

Something girly:

(Charlotte Russe)

Girly pieces look best when paired with decidedly ungirly clothes. I would pair these with my favorite gray pencil skirt and a structured shirt and cardigan a la Mad Men. If you pair with girly things, it's a tad too sweet... like a Fun Dip. Mmmm Fun Dips. But Fun Dips always give me canker sores. What I'm saying here is that too much girliness is not a good thing. Look for pale, ballerina-esque colors and ruffles. When I went on a search for ruffled things there was WAY too many I wanted to buy. My husband will not be impressed.

Something sexy:


(Alloy)
It hurts my heart when a woman doesn't own anything that helps her to feel smokin' hot. The problem is that sexy is usually perceived to be skin tight and that is no bueno when you're battling post-baby bulge and that Chocolate Cream Pie Shake you had yesterday (Which I learned has 700 calories AFTER I consumed one in like, 3 seconds. Kill me.) Instead, look for form-fitting, with details that make you feel more comfortable. Ruching around the waist? Check. Bouse-y sleeves that hide heavier arms? Check. Deep v-neck so your hubby's eyes pop out of his head like he's a cartoon character (A-wooo-ga!)? Check and check. Can you imagine this with a pair of bootcut jeans and heels? Simple but hot.

Something biker or rocker inspired:


(Delias)
My love for a good biker jacket is well documented. I have five. I just think they make bodies look insane with the seaming and the higher neck. Awesome. Buy one. If you already have a biker jacket, look for other biker/rocker wear to add to girlier pieces. Studded shoes, a leather bracelet, whatever. I like that rock-inspired pieces add immediate texture to whatever I'm wearing. Jeans and boots are just meh, but then I add a corded necklace and everything is tied together.

Something fancy:


(F21)
I love things that look substantial and expensive without costing a ton. This little baby is $5 and I WILL HAVE IT. You should have something equally ornate and expensive in your wardrobe or jewelry box. It's awesome to dress up an otherwise plain outfit. I have a brown wrap dress that I adore but is hard to accessorize. This would be perfect because it lends a pop of color and all I'd need is a pair of stud earrings to finish things off. Plus, aqua blue is awesome on everyone.

Something bright:


(Delias)
It's spring, people! Time to shuck the gray, brown and black for something that doesn't make you feel like a sad emo kid. A super bright piece can anchor a whole outfit. Even if you're wearing the same slacks and flats you always do, add something bright near your face and you're guaranteed compliments. I love the idea of this belted with a brown leather belt too, so it's not so shapeless. Either way, it's a adorable, hence your adorableness while wearing it.

K, so do you have your lists ready. I'm going to have Tim Gunn moment and tell you to make it work. The next time you see a celeb wearing a trend you'd love to try, find a way to do it on a small scale and I promise you'll be able to "pull it off." By updating a few key pieces in your wardrobe you automatically update just about everything else. Super easy and affordable. I wish I could take everyone shopping!

Unless you were excited about Gaga dressing in an egg. With an oxygen tank. That is neither safe nor attractive. I would have been more impressed if someone literally gave birth to her on stage.

Oh no... I'm giving her ideas.

Bonus: How to Shop With Kids

Just had some adorbs pictures to post. (YAY iPhone!)

I have two kids, who are two and five. This can mean exasperation when shopping together. My daughter is an awesome shopping partner and totally tells me how I look in things. My son? He'd pretty much rather get immunizations than come to the mall. Unfortunately, their mother is a shopaholic so they end up at the stores with me more often than not. We've learned to deal with. Mama gets the shopping shakes when she hasn't been for a while.

But we make it fun. I shop with my kids by:

1. Bribing with pretzel bites and lemonade.

2. Allowing my son to watch "Go Diego Go!" on my phone.

3. Doing my best to endear my children in the hearts of women who work retail so they don't hate me when my son licks the mirrors.

4. Yelling at my son to stop peeking under the fitting room walls like a creep. Then apologizing to strangers.

5. Parking by the play structure and bribing my children for the entire time.

6. Chick-Fil-A. This is also fun for me. Not so fun when the salesperson informs me that they've run out of the skirt that I want but I can take the size 2 from the mannequin. I have just eaten eight pieces of delicious chicken. Ohhhhhh dear. (PS I totally bought it and then vowed to stop eating Chick-Fil-A..... until tomorrow.)

7. Going for frequent rides up and down the escalator. Sorry, Macy's.

8. Bringing my husband, who can get the kids gumballs while I hum and haw over large purchases. By "hum and haw" I mean purchase without thinking and then panic later.

9. Two words: Disney. Store. Speaking of large purchases.......

10. Employing the buddy system. Yeah, we're like seven feet across and no one can get by us. But I do get audible "awwwws" when people see my kids happily holding hands while we walk through the department store.

Awesome.





We have got this DOWN.

Freaky Friday: Shoes

So I actually keep a file on my computer so save ugly things in. Then, when I have a file full I can do a Freaky Friday. I sit around and worry over my computer crashing and then having to take it into the Geek Squad or something and them being like "Um, what the heck is all of this stuff?" Luckily my brother in law (Hi Shane!) is my resident computer-fixer and he knows my love for ugly fashion. I am saved.




K, so one question. Where does your toe go? Because if you have to jam that golf ball in between your toes it will not be cute. Plus these weirdo hybrid boot sandals ALWAYS remind me of a llama.


See? The tail and everything, right?



I get the whole barefoot running movement thing, but these are an abomination any way you slice it.

Speaking of running abominations, TONING SHOES. Once, I was in high school and I bought these Converse clog-type thingies and wore them to school thinking I was the coolest person to ever walk the earth. One of my friends watched me walk into Ancient History class and then yelled, "Get a load of those clodhoppers!" I was crushed. They looked like this shoe. Also, google American Council on Exercise and toning shoes and see what you find concerning their effectiveness. Your feet are suffering in Frankenstein shoes for nothing.


I hope everyone had a really good Valentine's day. Also, I hope that if you tried to be sexy and wear shoes like this to bed, that you tripped and knocked over a candle and burned your house down. That's how much I hate these. K, fine. Not burned your house down... that's mean. Kicked your husband in the face? We have a winner!



These are actually the newest shoe from Adidas. I can't wait to wear them, play jump rope, trade stickers and play Pogs with my friends while wearing them.

That's funny, I wasn't aware my five year old daughter was designing shoes. Way to go, Addie.


OMGOMGOMG. Has anyone seen this infomercial? It makes me want to vomit every time it's on. Something about the bristles going in between the girl's feet makes me ill. Like... it's a foot fetishist's dream. Also, in one part of the commercial this thing is stuck to the shower wall. Who is that acrobatic? WHO!?

Alright, I'm signing off for another week. I will tell you that my hubs got me an iPhone for V-day and I expect to put it to good use snapping pics of stuff I see when I'm out and about. The other day I saw a woman wearing baggy knee shorts and knee high boots. It was awful. I wish you all could have seen.